“Should I give them another chance, or should I ‘just know’ if they’re right?”

Hot take: The whole slow burn vs. spark debate might be keeping you from finding a meaningful connection. This episode challenges the idea that a romantic connection needs to fit neatly into a “slow burn” or “spark” to be worth pursuing.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

✨ The pros and cons of Slow Burn vs. Spark—and why binaries rarely help in dating.

✨ Why curiosity is your best guide—offering a healthy middle ground that brings clarity without overthinking.

✨ When you’re just not feeling romantic interest? Bless and release without guilt!

✨ How to know what you want, trust your instincts, and choose curiosity over stressing about instant chemistry.

Get ready to reframe your approach to dating, focus on what matters, and let go of the pressure to decide if it’s a slow burn or a spark from the start. Let’s make dating feel lighter, more fun, and aligned with you!

Links:
Pick up your copy of Thank You, More Please where all books are sold!

Show transcript:

[00:00:00] Lily: Hey, gorgeous friends. Welcome to another episode of the Date Raisin podcast. I am so freaking glad that you’re here because I’m about to dispel a myth that has been floating around in your dating consciousness that is going to eliminate so much stress and overwhelm in your day to day dating life. So the myth that I’m talking about is the slow burn versus the spark.

[00:00:23] I get this all the time. Should I give them another chance? Should I know when I know? Should I just feel it? And what if I don’t? And what if I say no to the right person and I bless and release the right person because I’m looking for this spark, but what if the spark doesn’t exist? And all of this stressful thinking that comes up that keeps you stuck in indecision.

[00:00:48] or keeps you stuck in overthinking about a decision that you think now is the wrong decision. So back in January 2024, I got to be on the Tamron Hall show. It was a highlight of my year. I [00:01:00] got to announce the pre order campaign of my book, Thank You, More Please, which came out in June of 2024. I got to announce that I got to be on the show.

[00:01:09] I got to be on a talk show. I got to get my hair and makeup done. It was so much fun. Dreamy Tamron Hall is quite possibly one of the hottest people I’ve ever seen in my whole life and the most kind her outfit, her energy, like her ability to maneuver through conversations, get out like nuggets of gold from the audience.

[00:01:29] It was a beautiful thing to be there and to be amidst, um, that production and to be on that show. I was on with two incredible women, Elisa Ben Shalom. Who is the Jewish matchmaker of Netflix is, uh, Jewish matchmaking and she was representing like the, uh, slow burn. Okay. And then there was Faith Hill who had written this brilliant article in the Atlantic about the concept of slow burn versus the spark.

[00:01:57] She was representing like. In the [00:02:00] show, because in the show you want to have like people playing characters a little bit, so she was representing this like idea that waiting for the slow burn can, can waste your time, I think, was basically what she was, she was saying a lot of things, but, and I came in as sort of The one in the middle, you know, um, the one who, uh, was getting in the middle of them quite literally sitting in the middle of both of them on the couch.

[00:02:25] Now I wish that I had said certain things on that show. I’m going to say them here on this podcast now. I don’t regret anything. I think I did a great job. I think they did a great job. I think it was wonderful. And there are certain things that I wanted to say that I didn’t say because it felt like, I don’t know how to start a conversation where we don’t agree on this national talk show where it’s being recorded live.

[00:02:49] I just, I, it was my first time. So suffice it to say, I have a lot of hot takes that I did not deliver on that episode. Some of them I did. So let’s get into this.[00:03:00]

[00:03:03] Hey, I’m Lily Womble, former top matchmaker and founder of Date Brazen. After setting up hundreds, I realized that with coaching, women could match themselves better than anyone else ever could. With my unconventional feminist approach, I’ve helped women around the world build courageous and self trust filled love lives, and now, I’m here to support you.

[00:03:20] Get ready, because I’m about to show you the exact steps you need to attract a soul quenching partnership. And feel amazing about yourself along the way. This is the date brazen podcast. Okay. Let’s talk about the pros and cons of both the slow burn and the spark pros and cons. Let’s lay it all out on the table.

[00:03:38] I’m going to outline exactly why you think that each of these options is the right option to go with. Slow burn pro meaning get to know somebody for a long time, go on a lot of dates. Even if you have an inkling of a not of a knowing, like keep going out because quote, you never know. Okay. Advice. I’m getting hot already.[00:04:00]

[00:04:00] But a pro of the slow burn is to get to know somebody beyond a first date when you or they might be nervous. It happens. People are nervous on a first date. The slow burn, like, you know, keep dating, uh, can be helpful if you notice that they were nervous on a first date. Slow burn con, I think is a huge con, is that you spend way too much time with people that you know aren’t right for you because of scarcity.

[00:04:25] Because you’ve been taught to not trust yourself. You’ve been taught that you’re single for a reason and maybe it’s that you’re not giving people enough of a chance and you’re older now and you can’t be more picky because there’s fewer options. And you know, Elisa Ben Shalom says in, in the Jewish Matchmaking Netflix show, like date him till you hate him, it’s literally the title of the first episode.

[00:04:47] And, you know, if you hear Elisa talk about it, she is offering more nuance than just this, like date him till you hate him advice, but I think the problem with, With a lot of short sentence dating [00:05:00] advice is that it becomes a rule in our brains. Let’s think of another short sentence piece of dating advice like you never know, give them a chance.

[00:05:07] Or I think even people might surprise you, you know, if you keep dating them, they might surprise you. Any of those like put in your pocket short sentence piece of dating advice when it comes to supporting the slow burn effect can create some rigidity in your brain and can create a lack of self trust or can exacerbate a lack of self trust, right?

[00:05:29] Oh, I don’t know. I haven’t been in a relationship right by now. Like who am I to set a boundary when this person is in front of me wanting to date me? The slow burn can lead to a lot of like exacerbating scarcity mentality and thinking. Now let’s talk about the spark on the other end of the spectrum.

[00:05:46] The spark is the pro is that it’s so fun to feel. It’s so fun to feel as defining the spark is like attraction, connection, like magic, that magic that’s you’re with somebody like when you’re making a [00:06:00] new friend and you’re just like, Oh my God, we’re going to be friends. You feel it when you’re on a date and you feel like, Oh, Oh my God, this could be something.

[00:06:05] Oh my God, we’re having such a good time. Oh my God, I’m so attracted. I want to jump their bones right now. I want to do it all like, oh, let’s go. That’s fun, period. So fun. So fun. Spark Khan, your hormones are going so wild. That it’s hard to get clarity on whether or not this person is for you, and you can end up spending way too much time for the wrong person, ultimately, for your future, because of the spark.

[00:06:35] The con, if you’ll see, if you’ll hear, the con of both is the same. The con of the slow burn is spending way too much time with the wrong person. The con of the spark is spending way too much time with the wrong person. Alternatively. The con of the slow burn is that you don’t look for attraction if you’re just like, Oh, you know, maybe it’ll grow and when you don’t feel any of [00:07:00] it and this kind of the spark is that you’re over indexing on attraction or that.

[00:07:05] magnetism and the expectation from the first date, you cut yourself off from being surprised. Now, this is complicated. Like, this is why it’s confusing. Cause it’s like, okay, there are pros and cons of both. And what do I do? What do I do? I’m here to tell you, binaries are rarely, if ever helpful, especially in your dating life.

[00:07:25] So this concept of the slow burn versus the spark is inherently false. Like it’s an either or, and if you’ve read my book, Thank you. More, please. Or if you’ve listened to this podcast for any amount of time, you’ll know that either ors are not helpful and they’re leading to stress and they’re leading to a lot of like right wrong mentality when at the end of the day, this is all made up, all of this is made up, all of this is made up.

[00:07:55] And the rules that we’re trying to cling to, you’re trying to cling to them potentially for [00:08:00] organization because dating can be really frustrating, can be really. Vulnerable, obviously, and can be amorphous. It can feel like, well, what the fuck am I doing if I don’t have rules and guidelines? I have some guidelines for you, but they’re going to be a lot less stressful than a binary either or.

[00:08:15] So the answer lies in this magical thing called curiosity. Okay. So instead of Overindexing on it’s got to be the spark or it’s got to be the slow burn. Coming in the middle of those two things with curiosity. It’s very, I think the spark and the slow burn have a similar effect as something that I talk about with preferences and where a lot of people falter with their preferences.

[00:08:39] So on one end of the preferences spectrum we have over functioning. Rigidity must have gone to this exact school, must earn this exact amount of money, Must live on this block of this neighborhood, must have gotten this graduate degree, on and on and on. The effect of that rigidity is that you cut yourself off from being surprised by the right people and you are [00:09:00] dipping your toes in that rigidity or dipping your whole body in that over functioning in your dating life to protect you from settling.

[00:09:06] But the deal is, is that rigidity doesn’t protect you from settling. It just means that you’ll end up in a good on paper relationship that doesn’t feel good inside. On the other end of the pendulum swing is underfunctioning, taking your hands completely off the wheel saying, um, just somebody nice with a job.

[00:09:24] This level of underfunctioning leads to being with the wrong people for way too long. For fear that what you want doesn’t exist. It means playing the numbers game and going on dates with people that you know are not right for you for fear that what you want doesn’t exist. It’s rooted in scarcity, it’s not gonna work.

[00:09:40] Similar to the spark and slow burn, if I could like, equate one to another. I think that the spark can get really like, rigid, right? The rules about like, I didn’t feel the spark or I did feel the spark. Now there is something amorphous with human connection, let’s just admit. Of course there is. However, this like, Obsession with, gotta feel the spark, gotta feel the [00:10:00] spark, can get very much into over functioning like Rigidland and Slowburn.

[00:10:05] I guess I’ll, I’ll just keep seeing them and see what happens, even if you don’t have Any attraction or interest that is getting into under functioning land, not caring enough for your preferences and not, uh, not setting boundaries enough. So coming in the middle, right, we talk about essence based preferences being in the middle of those two poles for preferences in terms of connection and attraction come in the middle with curiosity.

[00:10:30] I think it’s important to note that you need to be attracted to somebody at least a little bit on the first date. You need to be able to imagine a world in which you could make out with that person. You may not feel like, Oh my God, I want to make out right now, but you have curiosity for it. You don’t feel repulsed by it.

[00:10:49] You don’t feel like, Oh, God, I could never, you feel like, Oh, I don’t, maybe that curiosity is maybe okay. Okay. Yeah. Potentially. I need to gather more [00:11:00] information. Curiosity says I need to gather more information versus the very stressful dating advice is like, which is like, you know, when you know, and if I don’t know, does that mean that they’re wrong for me and whatever?

[00:11:14] I will say that on my first date with Chris, I felt Curiosity, majorly. I was, and I also felt a lot of attraction and I felt connection and I think I had been on dates before where the spark was this like, I can’t go anywhere else but your house right now. And, or the spark to me was, I immediately know that we are meant to be together.

[00:11:43] This like, you know, that version of the spark, which was kind of rigid and, and high expectation y and like, Oh my God, this leaning in. I felt leaning in with Chris, but I still was curious. I still needed more information. I still was like, Oh yeah, I do feel, I feel a little thrill when you look at me that way.

[00:11:58] And I’m still [00:12:00] curious about it. It felt a little like, this feels odd how easeful this is. This feels odd how grounded this feels, how calm I feel. I think so often with the spark, you’re looking for the, it’s, it’s sort of frenetic, frenetic in the sense of like, Oh my God, it’s happening. Whereas when you’re with somebody that you’re really leaning in and curious about and that you’re connecting with and you’re attracted to at least a little bit.

[00:12:27] You have that curiosity. You feel more calm than freneticism. I hope I used that word correctly. And if I didn’t, whatever. So curiosity. I think that it’s important to note for the Slowburn folks who have been over indexing on the Slowburn, I’ll know later, whatever. There’s a line, and I think, this is probably not going to be relatable to many of you, but I, one of my favorite movies of all time, if not my favorite movie, is The Sound of Music.

[00:12:51] It is where I get a lot of my culture for if I was on Lost Culture, he says, when I’m on it, I’m going to call it and I will say that [00:13:00] what made the culture that made me say culture was for me was a blend of the sound of music and the music man, the movies, the movies, musicals now in the sound of music, music.

[00:13:10] There’s a line when the captain and Maria first get together, and it’s so beautiful. And they’re singing about like, we got together and how could this happen, and whatever. And she sings, nothing comes from nothing, nothing ever could. So somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something good.

[00:13:31] Whatever. The second part doesn’t matter. I just wanted to finish the musical phrase. Because I’m type A like that, but nothing comes from nothing is something that I really want you to think about. If you have zero attraction, nothing comes from nothing. If you have zero romantic interests, then nothing comes from nothing.

[00:13:49] If you feel like there’s a lot of friend interest, but zero romantic interest, nothing comes from nothing. Bless and release. You can be friends if you want a friend, but like, know what you want if you’re dating [00:14:00] for the right relationship or you’re dating for some fun, sexy hookups, like, know what you want and know that nothing comes from nothing.

[00:14:07] So when you don’t feel romantic interest at all. Bless and release. Release the idea of it’s got to be a slow burn. I need to get to know them more. After the first date, if you do not have some curiosity for attraction, some curiosity for their values, personality traits, if you didn’t have some hint of what you want in there, bless and release.

[00:14:30] They’re not for you. Now, likewise, if you had a lot of curiosity, if you had a lot of leaning in, if you had a lot of like sparkliness fun, thank you more, please. I’m not saying the spark is bad. It’s just be aware of when you’re expecting this like high frenetic energy of connection to prove to you that you have a connection because that excited, Oh my God, every part of me is attracted and I want to jump their bones right now.

[00:14:58] That could be. [00:15:00] That could be a sign that like, let’s keep going. It could also be a sign that like we need to be slowed down and be curious about what values and personality traits that bring it to the table. If you want to date intentionally. That’s why I really love my date feedback compass that I, uh, lead my clients through and main character dating because it is helping them after every single date, whether they felt really sparkly, energized, attraction, Or whether they felt like a slower curiosity or lack of curiosity, you need to sit down and on paper describe what went on in the date.

[00:15:34] What did I like? What felt meh or bad? Asking yourself, how did I see that they had my essence based preferences at least at a level one? Meaning at least a little bit. You’re not going to look for absolute all of the preferences on the first date because that’s impossible to get to know someone deeply at that level on a first date.

[00:15:53] For a long term relationship especially, you’re just looking for level one information that they meet your essence based preferences at [00:16:00] least a little bit. And attraction is an essence based preference. If you want to feel attraction, then that can be an essence based preference. Or, uh, if you’re demisexual and you struggle, you don’t feel attraction before you get to know them intellectually and emotionally and spiritually, then know that for yourself and tune in with yourself depending on what you want and what you know, how you know your body reacts to people.

[00:16:25] When you know you’ll know can be really confusing. For my own Experience. I knew that Chris and my connection was different. I knew that I was safe on that date. I knew that I felt the way I wanted to feel with Chris on that date. I knew knew that he had enough of my essence based preferences for me to be a hell yes to the second date.

[00:16:51] I knew that I was interested enough that it felt, and he was bringing this calming energy to the table that helped me feel just like, [00:17:00] embodied and grounded. And I had done a lot of work to come to the date and to feel embodied and grounded in myself, for myself, both. And he’s his energy, his actions inspired those feelings in me as well.

[00:17:13] After the date, I had an inkling of like, this could be something big for me. I had an inkling, this feeling, I was like in touch with my intuition and I didn’t feel this frenetic, like, Oh my God. I just felt this like. Okay. This is different. And I like this. And not to say that’s how you’re going to feel.

[00:17:30] It’s just, I knew that it was different. I wouldn’t say that after the first date, I knew with absolution that this was going to be my husband seven years later. So just like release the pressure of when you know, you’ll know it’s a both hands, like both. I’m going to gather information and I’m going to be intentional about what information I gather.

[00:17:47] Both. Nothing comes from nothing. And if I feel something and I feel curiosity, then I’m going to go on another date, both. It’s okay. to feel so sparkly and maybe a little bit [00:18:00] intensely, maybe frenetic, whatever, feel your feelings, whatever, that’s okay. And you got to follow that up with, do they meet my essence based preferences with values and personality traits to really ground yourself and not get lost in the exciting hormones so much that you, you know.

[00:18:13] end up spending time with somebody that’s ultimately not in alignment with your future. I hope that this episode felt grounding to you and permissive. I hope that, I think my fear sometimes in engaging the both and, is that it’s confusing. Because it’s so fun to have you. With certainty, a rule that you’re going to follow and it’s either going to be the spark or the slow burn and that creates clarity and I hope that you can create clarity with a both and approach both.

[00:18:44] If I feel curiosity, I’m going to go on another date and. I get to be attracted, period. I get to want to make out with them when I feel attracted. And only you know when that is, right? And if you are demisexual, I hear from a lot [00:19:00] of demifolks who say like, I don’t feel attracted until I get to know them on these, these deeper levels, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually.

[00:19:06] And so I say like, Cool. Great. Know your preferences. Know what you want. Know what questions you want to ask. Know how you want to feel on dates one, two, three. You want to feel belonging. You want to feel held. You want to feel seen. You want to feel maybe challenged in a fun way or you want to feel fill in the blank, whatever it is.

[00:19:23] Know what you want, whatever your sexuality, whatever, uh, you, uh, however you want to feel in your dating life. Like know that go on the date knowing that. And look for curiosity over any like either or binary of Slowburn versus, uh, versus Spark. So the answer to Slowburn versus Spark, it’s in the middle with curiosity.

[00:19:45] You got to have curiosity after a date to keep going. You’ve got this and I’ve got your back. If you liked this episode, download it. Then you are going to freaking love my book, Thank You More Please, A Feminist Guide to Breaking Dumb Dating Rules and Finding Love, out now everywhere books are [00:20:00] sold. I recorded the audio book.

[00:20:01] It’s a rip roar in good time, if I may say so myself. And people are calling it a hilarious page turner. Okay. So you’re going to love. Thank you more, please. So much. It’s going to be this massive permission slip to ask for what you want, get more of what you want and find the love of your life with more ease than you thought possible in your dating life, more joy than you thought possible in your dating life.

[00:20:21] So go grab your copy of thank you more, please. And you can get this extra special bonus. If you go to date brazen. com slash book and type in your receipt number and you’ll get. A podcast listening guide where I have created a gorgeous, robust guide with the 10 top dating issues that I see most everyone facing and the exact podcast episodes to listen to of the date brazen podcast to solve those issues within five to 10 minutes.

[00:20:47] I cannot wait for you to get this podcast listening guide. book and dive into it, especially around the holiday season. It is an amazing gift to yourself. A more easeful, joyful love life on your terms is the best gift to give [00:21:00] to yourself because it’s going to prepare you in the off season for what is to come.

[00:21:04] And that bonus is not to be missed. So go to datebrazen. com slash book and I will talk to you next week.