Should you wait for the slow burn? Or chase the spark?

This question keeps so many late bloomers stuck in overthinking, second-guessing, and dating people who aren’t right for them.

In this episode of The Late Bloomer Show, Lily breaks down the real truth about attraction and connection, including:

The pros + cons of both the spark and the slow burn

Why both approaches can lead to wasted time

What to focus on instead (hint: curiosity > rules)

How to ground yourself with Lily’s Date Feedback Compass

If you’ve ever stressed about whether you “knew” soon enough or felt enough chemistry, this episode will give you clarity and freedom.

🎧 Listen now and find out why curiosity—not binaries—is the most powerful dating tool.

Work with Lily:

→ Free Essence-Based Preferences workbook: datebrazen.com/workbook

→ Read Thank You More Please: datebrazen.com/book

→ Learn more about Main Character Dating: datebrazen.com/dating

→ Learn how to work with Lily: datebrazen.com

Follow Lily everywhere:
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Show transcript:

Lily @ Date Brazen (00:00)
Hey gorgeous friends, welcome to another episode of the Date Brazen Podcast. I am so freaking glad that you’re here because I’m about to dispel a myth that has been floating around in your dating consciousness that is going to eliminate so much stress and overwhelm in your day-to-day dating life.

So the myth that I’m talking about is the slow burn versus the spark. I get this question all the time: Should I give them another chance? Should I know when I know? Should I just feel it? And what if I don’t? And what if I say no to the right person and I bless and release the right person because I’m looking for this spark, but what if the spark doesn’t exist?

All of this stressful thinking that comes up keeps you stuck in indecision or keeps you stuck in overthinking about a decision that you think now is the wrong decision.

So back in January 2024, I got to be on the Tamron Hall Show. It was a highlight of my year. I got to announce the pre-order campaign of my book Thank You More Please, which came out in June of 2024. I got to announce it, I got to be on the show, I got to be on a talk show, I got to get my hair and makeup done—it was dreamy.

Tamron Hall is quite possibly one of the hottest people I’ve ever seen in my whole life and the most kind. Her outfit, her energy, her ability to maneuver through conversations, get out nuggets of gold from the audience—it was a beautiful thing to be there and to be amidst that production and to be on that show.

I was on with two incredible women: Aliza Ben Shalom, who is the Jewish matchmaker of Netflix’s Jewish Matchmaking—and she was representing like the slow burn, okay—and then there was Faith Hill, who had written this brilliant article in The Atlantic about the concept of slow burn versus the spark. She was representing—because in the show you want to have people playing characters a little bit—this idea that waiting for the slow burn can waste your time, I think was basically what she was saying.

She was saying a lot of things, but I came in as sort of the one in the middle, you know, the one who was getting in the middle of them—quite literally sitting in the middle of both of them on the couch. Now, I wish that I had said certain things on that show. I’m gonna say them here on this podcast now. I don’t regret anything; I think I did a great job. I think they did a great job. I think it was wonderful.

And there are certain things that I wanted to say that I didn’t say because it felt like—I don’t know how to start a conversation where we don’t agree—on this national talk show where it’s being recorded live. It was my first time. So suffice it to say, I have a lot of hot takes that I did not deliver on that episode. Some of them I did. So let’s get into this.

Intro Segment
Hey, I’m Lily Womble, former top matchmaker and founder of Date Brazen. After setting up hundreds, I realized that with coaching, women could match themselves better than anyone else ever could.

With my unconventional feminist approach, I’ve helped women around the world build courageous and self-trust-filled love lives, and now I’m here to support you.

Get ready, because I’m about to share the exact steps you need to attract a soul-quenching partnership and feel amazing about yourself along the way.

This is the Date Brazen Podcast.

Okay, let’s talk about the pros and cons of both the slow burn and the spark. Pros and cons—let’s lay it all out on the table. I’m gonna outline exactly why you think that each of these options is the right option to go with.

Slow Burn (Pros):
Getting to know somebody for a long time, going on a lot of dates, even if you have an inkling of a knowing—keep going out because “you never know.” Okay, I hate that advice. I’m getting hot already.

But a pro of the slow burn is to get to know somebody beyond a first date when you or they might be nervous. It happens. People are nervous on a first date. The slow burn—like, you know, keep dating—can be helpful if you notice that they were nervous on a first date.

Slow Burn (Cons):
A huge con is that you spend way too much time with people that you know aren’t right for you because of scarcity—because you’ve been taught to not trust yourself. You’ve been taught that you’re single for a reason and maybe it’s that you’re not giving people enough of a chance, and you’re older now and you can’t be more picky because there are fewer options.

And, you know, Aliza Ben Shalom says in Jewish Matchmaking on Netflix, “Date him till you hate him.” It’s literally the title of the first episode. And you know, if you hear Aliza talk about it, she offers more nuance than just this “date him till you hate him” advice. But I think the problem with a lot of short-sentence dating advice is that it becomes a rule in our brains.

Let’s think of another short-sentence piece of advice, like “You never know,” or “Give them a chance,” or “People might surprise you.” Any of those short-sentence pieces of dating advice, when it comes to supporting the slow burn effect, can create some rigidity in your brain and can create—or exacerbate—a lack of self-trust, right?

“Oh, I don’t know, I haven’t been in a relationship by now, like who am I to set a boundary when this person is in front of me wanting to date me?”

The slow burn can lead to a lot of exacerbating scarcity mentality and thinking.

The Spark
Now let’s talk about the spark on the other end of the spectrum.

Spark (Pros):
It’s so fun to feel. It’s defining the spark—attraction, connection, magic. That magic that you’re with somebody, like when you’re making a new friend and you just feel it.

“My God, we’re gonna be friends.” You feel it when you’re on a date and you feel like, “My God, this could be something. My God, we’re having such a good time. My God, I’m so attracted. I wanna jump their bones right now.”

That’s fun—period. So fun.

Spark (Cons):
Your hormones are going wild. It’s hard to get clarity on whether or not this person is for you, and you can end up spending way too much time with the wrong person.

The con, if you’ll notice, is the same for both:

• Slow burn con: Spending too much time with the wrong person.
  
• Spark con: Spending too much time with the wrong person.
  

Alternatively, the slow burn can mean you don’t look for attraction at all; the spark can mean you over-index on attraction.

This is why it’s confusing—it’s not either/or.

The Middle Ground: Curiosity
Binaries are rarely, if ever, helpful—especially in your dating life. So this concept of the slow burn versus the spark is inherently false.

The answer lies in this magical thing called curiosity.

Instead of over-indexing on “it’s gotta be the spark” or “it’s gotta be the slow burn,” come in the middle with curiosity.

It’s like preferences—on one end, rigidity; on the other, under-functioning. The same applies here.

Curiosity says, “I need to gather more information.”

That’s where the magic happens.

Nothing Comes from Nothing
If you have zero attraction, nothing comes from nothing.

If you have zero romantic interest, bless and release.

If you have friend interest but no romantic interest, bless and release.

You can be friends if you want a friend—but know what you want.

Final Thoughts
When you know, you’ll know—can be confusing. Curiosity is the key.

Ask:

• Did they meet my essence-based preferences at least a little bit?
  
• Do I feel safe?
  
• Do I feel grounded?
  
• Am I curious?
  

It’s not about knowing with absolution; it’s about being open and intentional.

Release the pressure.

Gather information.

Be curious.

If you have curiosity—go on another date.

If you don’t—bless and release.

The answer to slow burn versus spark? It’s in the middle—with curiosity.

You gotta have curiosity after a date to keep going.

You’ve got this, and I’ve got your back.

If you liked this episode, then you’re going to freaking love my book Thank You More Please: A Feminist Guide to Breaking Dumb Dating Rules and Finding Love—out now everywhere books are sold.

I recorded the audiobook—it’s a rip-roarin’ good time if I may say so myself—and people are calling it a hilarious page-turner.

Go to datebrazen.com/book to grab your copy and get the special bonus podcast listening guide with the top 10 dating issues and the exact episodes to solve them.

It’s the perfect gift to yourself this season—a more easeful, joyful love life on your terms.

And that bonus is not to be missed.

So go to datebrazen.com/book, and I’ll talk to you next week.

Bye.