What do late bloomers most want to know about sex? In this episode, Lily sits down with Dr. Juliana Hauser—sex therapist, TEDx speaker, and author of A New Position on Sex—to answer the top 10 questions late bloomers have about sexuality, intimacy, and pleasure.

They cover everything from starting with little or no experience, to disclosing your sexual history (or lack thereof), to navigating body image, chemistry, pain, and more.

Whether you’re 20, 30, 40, 50+ and wondering where to start, this conversation is a must-listen.

🎧 Listen in now and discover the tools, confidence, and compassion you deserve in your sexual journey.

📖 Grab Dr. Juliana’s new book A New Position on Sex: A Guide to Greater Sexual Confidence, Pleasure and Authenticity available now right HERE

💥 Work with Lily:

→ Main Character Dating: datebrazen.com/dating

→ Free Essence-Based Preferences workbook: datebrazen.com/workbook

→ Read Thank You More Please: datebrazen.com/book

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Show transcript:

Lily Womble (00:37)

Hello, gorgeous friends. Welcome to another episode of the Late Bloomer Show. Today’s episode has been hotly requested by most of my clients, a lot of my audience.

Y’all are wondering about being a late bloomer and sex. And so I brought on the expert to talk about sex and sexual agency and power. With over two decades of experience supporting people to discover their own sexual agency, Dr. Juliana Hauser leads conversations about taboo topics like sex and sexuality, menopause, intimacy, relationships, and more with approachability and expertise. I actually have been a client of

Dr. Juliana’s and it was life-changing. She has a PhD in counseling education, has a thriving virtual private practice and is a beloved media personality on screen, stage and in print. And she’s a TEDx speaker as well. Dr. J is also the creator of Holistic Sexuality Courses including Revealed, which I did, and is the author of the newly published A New Position on Sex,

A Guide to Greater Sexual Confidence, Pleasure and Authenticity, which came out in September, literally just a few days ago as of this recording drop. And you can buy it everywhere books are sold. A New Position on Sex is gonna change so much for you in terms of your access to sexual pleasure and agency. Dr. J. Juliana, hello, welcome.

Dr. Juliana Hauser (02:00)

Hello, so good to see you.

Lily Womble (02:02)

I think this is your third time on this podcast, which makes you, I think, the most repeat guest besides, you know, more than Chris. You are now the repeat guest of the podcast.

Dr. Juliana Hauser (02:05)

What an honor. I love it.

That is a place of honor, like SNL. They have their, like, the people who hosted, right? Yeah.

Lily Womble (02:22)

We need to get you a jacket. We need to get you a jacket. ⁓

How are you feeling with the book out in the world as of this recording drop and tell us a little bit about the book, who is it for, how does it help people?

Dr. Juliana Hauser (02:32)

Yes.

Yeah, it’s so exciting. I mean, you know, I love seeing your book behind you. It feels wonderful, something that I have been working on for so long to be able to give it to people that don’t have to be my clients in order to be exposed to it. And ⁓ I’m really loving the feedback and I’m really excited about ⁓ hearing what people think and what they’re drawn to.

And I think I told you about this before, but I put QR codes at the end of the pillars, like these certain chapters in the book. And I’m really excited to see how people interact with that and have that part of it. So it’s been really thrilling. It’s vulnerable to put it out there because in my book, I’m telling personal stories as well as client stories that they gave me permission to share. And so it’s interesting to have some like one-way vulnerability

of what people are knowing about me, but I made the decision that I wanted to go first in sharing things that felt vulnerable and maybe difficult to say so that people, when they read it, they will be able to go to those places themselves because they saw someone doing it before them. You said, who is this for? You know, every, like,

publishing house or agent that I talked to is like, you cannot say everybody because books aren’t for everybody. But I really put a lot of effort into making this be a book that no matter who you are, what your background is, your age, your sexuality, your political views, your race, whatever your identifying information is and experience, that you’re gonna read this book and find a framework that you can fit into your life.

And it is again about agency, which I know you and I have connected on, that it is, the book is written and the framework is constructed in such a way that it’s meant for you to take it on instead of it telling you what’s right or wrong, it’s teaching you how to decide what’s right or wrong for you.

Lily Womble (04:44)

It’s ultimately, just for people that don’t know you, incredibly sex positive, you know, like incredibly — how would you describe the vibe of the book if somebody’s coming from being a late bloomer, doesn’t know much about sex for themselves, hasn’t had much experience? Like, how would you describe what they’re gonna find in those pages?

Dr. Juliana Hauser (04:48)

Hmm.

I really try to make it accessible. So I want sex and sexuality to feel like it’s not this big, huge thing that everyone else understands and is doing it quote, right, and you’re the one that isn’t doing it right or don’t know what you’re doing, or that there are so many possibilities that it feels like you have paralysis and even, where do you begin? And so what I want is for this framework, for the late bloomers, is to say this is,

this is what no one was given. This is the conversation. This is the framework that I think we should have been given a long time ago. So you’re not behind in receiving this. No one has gotten this. And this is a really wonderful way to do a 360 view of who you are as a sexual being and to learn what holistic sexuality means, which is a really elevated way of looking at our sexuality.

Lily Womble (05:57)

So it’s not just sex. It’s like,

what do you mean sexual being? We’re a sexual being.

Dr. Juliana Hauser (06:02)

Yeah, so if you’re breathing you are a sexual being. And it’s one of the two things that we have in common. We all have bodies and we all have sexuality. It is, it’s a birthright. It’s by being born we are a sexual being. What we’ve been told though through really poor sex education is that to be a sexual being is to be somebody who is having sex and that is not the case. And that’s not how I view who we are as sexual beings, which is why I say it’s the evolved way of looking at it.

Excuse me, these nine pillars of holistic sexuality that I came through many, many, many years of research, that when I was looking at what do you need to know about yourself in order to be able to show up for yourself sexually and, if you want to connect with somebody else or other people, what do you need to examine? And sex acts is one of them, but it’s only one of the nine. It’s sensuality, it is desire, it’s pleasure, and there’s other ⁓

Lily Womble (06:57)

Hmm.

Dr. Juliana Hauser (07:01)

Pillars as well. And that wide range of looking at who you are and with the lens of sexuality gives you such a ⁓ bigger entry point into identifying as a sexual being just by breathing.

Lily Womble (07:20)

Yeah, you know what’s so interesting about what you’re saying is that I’m hearing my audience in my ear, or at least some of my audience members, perhaps. And you know what I’m hearing is what I’m imagining people — I can’t hear you right now, but what I’m imagining people might, some people might be thinking is like maybe a little resistance to this idea. And what I know to be true after working with you and after doing this work with you and understanding your book

is this really cool tool to understanding yourself better as a sexual human being, is that sexuality has been defined in our culture as other people’s gaze or other people’s experience, a performance of, right? Like I have clients who will tell me like, I’m not sexy because people don’t find me sexy. And so this definition has been.

Dr. Juliana Hauser (08:10)

Mm-hmm.

Lily Womble (08:15)

You know, sort of projected onto us, given to us by this crappy socialization that says that like, your sexuality is what you perform for others.

Dr. Juliana Hauser (08:23)

And defined by others.

Lily Womble (08:26)

Yeah. So what do you say to that? What would you say to that?

Dr. Juliana Hauser (08:28)

Yeah,

well, I say it’s bullshit. And that is exactly what I’m trying to dismantle and make it accessible. ⁓ What I’ve learned through the years is it’s one thing to keep saying, no, no, no, that’s not how this is. And then everyone’s left with, okay, then what is it then? And to me, this book is the answer. That where I think in some ways it’s also looking at, it’s asking you to start looking at all the different parts of holistic sexuality and say, so what do you think?

Lily Womble (08:46)

Yeah.

Dr. Juliana Hauser (08:59)

Does that fit for you? Do you think you’re sexy? What is sexy? It’s really breaking down all of the messages that you’ve received from birth to where you are when you pick up this book and saying, okay, this is how we got here and now

what are we going to be carrying forward with us? And so when I said earlier that the whole framework is built in agency, throughout the book I’m asking you, does this work for you? Is this a yes or is this a no for you? Which is an act of agency. And some of those opinions, some of that is mindset, some of that is former beliefs and things that you were given. Some of it is former behavior. So when you’re talking about being performative, that is a very common experience that I hear. A lot of it is through those who identify

Lily Womble (09:19)

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Dr. Juliana Hauser (09:46)

⁓

as women, but all genders as well experience that to some degree. And when you’ve had that experience of performing and trying to be a role, trying to be what other people are saying is desirable.

Lily Womble (09:51)

Mm-hmm.

Dr. Juliana Hauser (10:01)

You can become a chameleon. You really do a lot of self-abandonment and you get to this place of like, I don’t even know what I want. What is pleasurable? What is authentic for me? And then next it is, and if I do find that out, will anyone want that? Especially when you’ve had experiences of that being no or feeling invisible. And this book is really meant to say, we’re gonna — like I hear you and I get it.

Lily Womble (10:08)

Mm-hmm.

Dr. Juliana Hauser (10:30)

Me too. I’ve had a lot of those experiences as well and also it’s worth it. It is worth it to ask yourself these questions. It’s worth it to really sink in to that. They’re just the deepest and most simple question, which is: Is this a yes or no to me? Is this belief about sex truthful to me or is it not authentic to what I want and where I’m heading? And the feedback that I get is

is that it ⁓ feels both very healing and also really protective ⁓ and validating moving forward.

Lily Womble (11:10)

Beautiful. So I hear like better — this book will give you the tools to have more pleasure, more consciousness of what you need and what you want and more freedom in that regard.

Dr. Juliana Hauser (11:17)

Mm-hmm.

Yes, and like the subtitle to the book is A Guide for Greater Sexual Confidence, Pleasure and Authenticity. And confidence — you know, we talked about this, about how long it takes to like come up with titles and, you know, the subplots. But those three words felt really important to me. It’s like, what ultimately are you going to walk away with from this book and what do I want? And, you know, I wanted the word agency in it because I believe in agency so much, but it’s not always a well-used word. So we used

Lily Womble (11:42)

Yeah.

Dr. Juliana Hauser (11:54)

authenticity to be more accessible to people. But when I look at it, I was like, yeah, I really want everyone to walk away from this book feeling like they have an absolute right and room for who they are as a sexual being to be defined on their own terms. And in that experience of defining who they are, that will change their confidence in who they are as a sexual being.

Lily Womble (11:55)

Mm-hmm.

Dr. Juliana Hauser (12:23)

And that I want you to be able to remove the shame, the hard stuff, so that you have better access to pleasure that’s just waiting for you on your terms.

Lily Womble (12:31)

Yeah. Cool.

I love it. All right, Juliana, and just for everybody listening, your name is Dr. Juliana Hauser and I have permission to call you Juliana. I just want that out there, like I love that you have doctor in front of your name. And before we hit record, I called you Dr. Juliana and you were like, please, please call me Juliana. So I just wanted to say that for anybody who was like, Lily, address her appropriately. You know, just want to put that out there. Okay.

Dr. Juliana Hauser (12:43)

Of course. Yeah.

Yes.

Yes.

Lily Womble (13:01)

I have polled my community and I have 10 categories of questions, and I’m gonna break it down really simply, of like 10 categories of questions that late bloomers specifically, who feel quote “behind” in their love lives, have about sex. Can we do some rapid fire for these questions? Be as direct as you want to be and like people want…

Dr. Juliana Hauser (13:05)

Love it.

Yes.

Lily Womble (13:29)

…answers. And I know that a lot of these answers are going to go back to what do you want and agency, and I think like giving people your hot takes also — we’re hungry for them. So number one, starting with little or no experience. How do you approach a sexual relationship if you’re nervous about your inexperience, including being a virgin — which, that word, you know,

we can unpack that word as well — but including being a virgin in your 30s or 40s. So specifically in this category, people are worried about how do I disclose my lack of sexual history? Do I need to disclose my lack of sexual history with a partner? How do I begin exploring sexuality at 30 or 40 when I’m so nervous to start? So what are your thoughts?

Dr. Juliana Hauser (14:12)

I’m gonna start with the last one, which is how do I start exploring it if I’m starting at 30 and 40? And I would say I want, I hope that everyone is exploring in their 30s and 40s, no matter where they are beginning. So I don’t want them to feel alone in that process. For those who are really living an embodied sexual life, it is a constant part of your timeline, no matter where it quote “begins.” And so there’s not a “too lateness” to that as well. In fact, there are a lot of people who may have started sexual activity

before then who weren’t doing it consciously, and they are beginning in their 30s and 40s to do it consciously too. And so in some ways there is almost like a step ahead — there are some things that you don’t have to unlearn or that you don’t have to heal from the trauma of because you haven’t been involved in sexual activity. You have different things that you’re dealing with, but I just want to make the note that it’s not necessarily a “behind” place. Next is, in disclosing,

you’re right that there is some individuality to that, but in general, I do think it’s important to be able to own and claim where you are,

in the context of what you need. Not as a confession, not as a shame-filled way of saying to somebody like, “you’re gonna have to deal with this big thing.” But saying, “So, I have not experienced, you know, whatever the sex act is” — usually it’s penetrative sex. Yes, we could talk about the word virgin for a very long time, but usually in this context, it’s about sexual penetration.

I really like to encourage my clients to give it as historical information and again, not as a shame-filled thing. That’s usually what people respond to — they have the harder time responding to the presentation being shame-filled, as opposed to what the information is. And so getting yourself to a place that you can give it and then follow it up with what you need and what you want,

your guardrails to what that person is to do with the information afterwards. And so some people will respond to that and feel like it’s a real honor and it’s wonderful. Others will say it isn’t for them and that’s okay too, is to use your phrasing — bless and release if it’s not for them. And then there’s a lot of people who are like, oh, oh, so interesting, like, what do you need? And I like having an answer ready for them as to what do you need? And it may be, I don’t need anything.

You need to have that information and it may be relevant moving forward or it may not. I’m also asked when do you disclose, and again of course there’s individuality to this.

I think when the information feels like a real pull and tug, like you feel really pulled to share it. Again, not from a shameful place, but as if it’s becoming relevant. So it wouldn’t be, “I’m Juliana and I want you to know that I have not experienced sexual penetration — and what do you want for dinner?” Like not that, but I do think when it becomes clear that you have sexual interest in each other and that that may be something that begins progressing, or it progresses very fast and you need them to know that, then I say go forward with it as soon as that feels like a pull to you.

Lily Womble (17:38)

Yeah. Okay, great. I think that’s beautiful. Number two, shame and sharing. Like when someone feels — this is similar to the first question, but I think let’s make it even more tactical. So let’s say I haven’t had sex yet. I haven’t been naked with somebody yet, or I haven’t done any sexual acts yet. I’ve maybe kissed somebody, but I haven’t, you know, received or given oral sex or even, you know,

when I was in college, I hadn’t been naked with anybody and that felt very foreign and new. So for those listening who resonate with that, whether they’re in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s plus, how do you deal with that shame, if you have it, about your lack of experience so that you can be open to connecting? And then I’d love to do a moment of role play of like what this could look like.

Dr. Juliana Hauser (18:33)

Beautiful, great. So I, you know, I don’t want to minimize the particular detail of the shame associated with having not experienced or not thinking that your timeline of your sexual connections with other people is what you want it to be. I don’t want to minimize that. But I can say it is rare for me to meet people that don’t have some kind of shame associated with who they are as a sexual being. It almost becomes synonymous — shame and sexuality.

Lily Womble (19:01)

Hmm.

Dr. Juliana Hauser (19:03)

And so I say that to normalize the connection between the two and to also say it’s quite damaging, that shame coming into our sexual connection or sexual being can do a real number on us. And we put a lot of stories onto what our shame means to other people. And so the work is in…

You have to identify: this is the feeling that I’m having, this is shame. Because sometimes it’s not even easy to identify what that is. So you name it as shame. And then…

I think it’s important to look at where did that shame come from? Where was the messaging that has led me to this feeling of shame? And it’s usually vast. It’s family. It is media. Sometimes it’s religion. It is cultural norms that you feel different than. And doing the process of saying, does that work for me now? Does that feel right for me? And saying like, this is part of my history, but it’s not where I am or where I’m wanting to be. I think that is a really critical part of this too. And then what can that shame transform into? And I think that when someone can get to the place that they can give history that is like…

This is part of the gift of me. This is part of what has transpired in my life that has made me who I am today, that makes me interesting, that makes me different — instead of different in a bad way, different in a really delightful way. And I like this exercise of writing down your negative thoughts and where they come from, as a way of learning how to stop those thoughts. And part of the category is that, so what is the thought that you have? “It is embarrassing

that I am 32 and I have not experienced oral sex.”

And then the next category is where did that come from? What is it that makes me feel like that’s bad or wrong or different or lesser than? And the third category is what is the benefit of the fact that I haven’t had the experience with oral sex? And you go through a list of like the opposite of that. Then the last category is: so where do I land now on this? And it can be like, “I’m glad that I haven’t had oral sex to this extent because I’ve heard so many people have really awful experiences with oral sex. And now I know who I am so now I know how to advocate for myself so that if I want to do it I’ll say yes and if I don’t want to do it I’ll say no. And I’m feeling more informed about how to do this experience of oral sex so I’m more likely to feel more experienced in the skill set.” So this… and so where I am is, I want to do this now, this feels well-positioned now. So that going through those categories

Lily Womble (22:04)

Mm-hmm.

Dr. Juliana Hauser (22:08)

…can make a really big difference in transforming shame into something that either feels neutral or feels like, yeah, this is part of me and it’s gonna inform me in a really important way.

Lily Womble (22:22)

Yeah, so good. And something that I recommend to my clients is like, you know, shame can’t breed in the light — shame breeds in silence. And so if you could talk to a close friend about your thoughts and feelings about not having had oral sex yet, or, you know — because a lot of my clients are keeping that secret for themselves, even from friends. And so even opening that door up to belonging can be really powerful. One thing is the little role play. Second thing I want to bring up is

Dr. Juliana Hauser (22:38)

Yes.

Lily Womble (22:50)

…before the role play is trauma, because it’s not in the list of 10. But I do want to mention for anyone who has experienced sexual trauma, maybe they also identify as a late bloomer, maybe that has contributed to them feeling like a late bloomer, maybe that’s contributed to them not pursuing sex with folks. How can we really tactically guide them toward their best next step if they have the availability to seek out trauma

therapy or trauma care? And/or if they don’t have that capability, like where do they, where can folks who identify with that begin to start healing?

Dr. Juliana Hauser (23:26)

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, and trauma is actually one of the pillars — it’s power and trauma — because it’s such an important part of understanding how we view ourselves, again, as a sexual being and how our experiences all connect together. And it is the rare person that I come across that doesn’t have some kind of trauma in their past, whether it’s directly sexual or it isn’t. In a lot of ways,

it’s inescapable. And I say that again to normalize it — unfortunately to normalize it — but also to say that a lot of people will think they are the only one or they’re the worst story in the room, which then, as you said, keeps shame and secrets. And so when you’re able to talk about it, when you’re able to say it out loud, it is…

it’s so incredibly healing to hear, “me too.” Or, “yes,” or, “I didn’t have that, but this is my experience.” Because the isolation really amplifies the shame that happens in trauma as well. And in accessing it for yourself, so, you know, just owning it, saying it, being able to find others who have experienced it or something like that can make a very big difference. And then, you know, the work is, as you said, like it’s…

Lily Womble (24:36)

Mm-hmm.

Dr Juliana Hauser (24:50)

Best done with a professional. If you don’t have access to that, then the work is looking at what are your trigger points with the trauma that you’ve had. So is there a sound? Is there a relationship dynamic? Is there something tangible that you know is going to put you into a trigger response? And if you can become aware of that, that can be really very helpful in being self-protective. And if you are entering any kind of sexual relationship with that trauma, talking to your person about it to be proactive in creating safety for yourself. And then the other part of it is really doing work, and there’s so much out there that you can Google and find on how to regulate your nervous system. And there are techniques that are very low-lift and have no expense to them, that have enormous benefits. You may sit there like, really? I’m a huge proponent of cold plunging, which may sound like such a far leap, but it does wonders on nervous system regulation. And that, even though it may not have this direct correlation to your trauma, can make a huge difference in learning how to regulate yourself so that if you’re in a trauma response or if you’re dealing with healing from your trauma, you have that as a basis, which really is what you have to have foundationally to…

Lily Womble (26:17)

Awesome.

Dr Juliana Hauser (26:17)

…to lessen it.

Lily Womble (26:19)

Okay, great. Love that answer. And thank you so much for sharing. Let’s do a little role play. You’re going to be somebody who hasn’t had much sexual experience. You feel too late, whatever your age—maybe let’s say 44 or what have you. And we’re on a date and we’re getting, you know, like amorous, sexy, knees touching, exciting feelings. And it’s getting to the point where we might go home together, but you want to disclose. We’re first going to do what I think listeners’ worst-case scenario is. And I would love you to model a response.

Dr Juliana Hauser (26:54)

Okay, so you want me to tell you? Are you going to start with three?

Lily Womble (27:00)

So disclose. I’m gonna start by being like, “Say you wanna get out of here,” and then you can disclose how you would suggest. And then it’s gonna be like worst-case scenario, and then we’ll do like what probably will happen after that—like a middle of the road, best-case scenario. Okay, let’s go. So Juliana, do you wanna get out of here?

Dr Juliana Hauser (27:15)

Great. Great. Yes, yeah, that sounds great. I did want to say before we kind of leave here and go into the next place, there’s just something I want to share with you because I’m feeling like I would like to make out and, you know, kiss a bit. I have not had sex before and that’s not something that I am going to be interested in doing tonight, but I just wanted you to have that information as we kind of go into…

Lily Womble (27:29)

Okay.

Dr Juliana Hauser (27:49)

…into the next part of things.

Lily Womble (27:52)

Wait, you’re 44 and you’ve never had sex? That’s weird.

Dr Juliana Hauser (27:57)

Wow, that is not what I am. Yeah, that just really tells me something about you that is not flattering. And I think I’ve changed my mind. That’s not where I want to go with you now.

Lily Womble (28:13)

And then stand up and leave, probably.

Dr Juliana Hauser (28:14)

I understand how hard that would be, and most people would be like frozen and then shame-filled and all of that. But I think your point of doing this, us role-playing is—and I do this with my clients too, like, let’s play this out. And a lot of it is just to get to your wording, but also it’s to become desensitized to it. Because what a horrible, shitty way to respond to that. I know stories of people saying that and…

Lily Womble (28:19)

Excuse me? Yeah. Right. Correct.

Dr Juliana Hauser (28:44)

And your point is the way that you set up the scene is so important, because what usually happens is you’re already making out and you’re saying it on the spot while you’re in the midst of it, which really throws everyone out of it. But if you do it out of the context of sexual connection, then you can really see, and you can brace yourself in a safety place. So you can exit in an easier exit.

Lily Womble (29:10)

Yeah, such a good tip. So I guess another question that people might have is like, well, I don’t want to assume that they’re thinking they want to have sex. And especially if somebody hasn’t had a lot of sexual experience before, there might not be comfortability engaging whether or not something will become sexual, right? Like, so you might doubt—they might doubt themselves and say, well, I don’t really know. And I don’t want to bring it up beforehand to be like presumptuous that they do want to have that, right?

Dr Juliana Hauser (29:24)

Yes. Mm-hmm.

Lily Womble (29:39)

There’s a confidence piece there as well. But how do you suggest handling that in your brain? And how to indicate, yes, I wanna make out, but ultimately I do wanna have sex. Like, not tonight, but eventually. How would you do that?

Dr Juliana Hauser (29:45)

Hmm. Mm-hmm. Yes. And that is the part that, like in the best-case scenario, when you say, this is where I am, this is the status of me, and this is where I want to be going, and here are the guardrails of it. So I have not had sex before. I am interested in having sex at some point. My guardrails are it’s not going to be tonight. And if this history isn’t for you, all right, peace out. We’re good. I want to…

Lily Womble (30:19)

Yeah. Would you say that, or would you let them show you who they were? Would you say like, and if that’s not for you… you know, people sometimes wonder about that.

Dr Juliana Hauser (30:25)

Hmm. Right. I think it could go either way. I think in some ways that could come across as like you are handing it to them to say no to. Right. And so I don’t, I don’t…

Lily Womble (30:39)

Apologizing.

Dr Juliana Hauser (30:43)

…want to ever present our history with an apology or with shame attached to it. But also it can be a buffer of like, this doesn’t need to be a big thing. It’s just saying facts. You may have something of your own that you need to tell me before we get in. How I look at it is it’s informed consent. Definitely not the same thing, so I don’t want this to come off that way, but I have very similar conversations with people who have an STI. And it is like, when do I share? Yeah, okay, great. And is there assumption that we’re gonna be doing it? And what I say is, in most…

Lily Womble (31:13)

We’re gonna get to that, number eight.

Dr Juliana Hauser (31:25)

…dating scenarios, there is a thought that at some point we’re going to do something that is sexually connecting. There’s a thought. It’s maybe not assumption, it may not, but there’s a thought that there’s a possibility of it. So getting ahead of it. And again, I’m gonna use your phrasing: you can’t say the wrong thing to the right person. And so you don’t have to get it exactly right. You don’t have to have the perfected script in this. I want you to have a framework that you can then adapt in the moment to how you’re doing and how they’re responding. But I think that showing that you are somebody who can communicate about your sexual needs is one of the sexiest things that you can do. And I think it shows a hell of a lot more sexual competence than having a sexual history. So, why?

Lily Womble (32:15)

Can you repeat that? Can you repeat that, Juliana? That’s so good.

Dr Juliana Hauser (32:20)

I think being able to speak and communicate about a sexual context says a whole lot more about who you are and your sexiness and your sexual availability and your sexual maturity than a résumé of your sexual history.

Lily Womble (32:35)

Boom. There you go. So good.

Dr Juliana Hauser (32:39)

So talking about it—if someone can’t handle it, they say it in some jerky way like that, or they are unable to communicate what their thoughts are in it—then I’m not sure they’re worthy of you. And so I like getting ahead of it as well. And if they can’t have a conversation about sexual history or the fact that you haven’t had a sexual history that mimics theirs, I consider that someone not to waste your time on.

Lily Womble (32:56)

There you go. Correct. I love that clarity. And I think we don’t even need to do the best-case scenario role play because you said it. You know, that person, you would say, hey, this is where I’m at. This is who I am. This is what I want today. And here’s what I want in the future. And they would probably say, tell me more, or, well, like, let me know if you’re ever uncomfortable. I’d love to, you know, keep going. But, you know…

Dr Juliana Hauser (33:23)

Exactly. My best-case scenario in that, and the response, is thank you for telling me. I really appreciate you being vulnerable in that. Either they vulnerably share also something, or they say, basically, what do you need from me with that? That’s the best-case scenario. And it does happen. People do respond well to that information. There’s not an assumption that it’s going to go poorly. But anyway, I think it’s a good showing on your part to have the communication.

Lily Womble (33:50)

Yeah, for sure. They do.

Dr Juliana Hauser (34:03)

Thank—

Lily Womble (34:04)

Well, let’s keep going to number three: shame, anxiety, and body image. So, how do I stop worrying about how I look, quote, performing, or shutting down during intimacy?

Dr Juliana Hauser (34:14)

Mm-hmm. You know, our brain is such a fascinating organ and it does so much good for our pleasure—and it is just the worst, too. And we live in a culture that is not supportive of having a really positive relationship with our body. Often it’s, you know, that begins at a very early age. So one of the things that I like to work on…

Lily Womble (34:27)

Yeah.

Dr Juliana Hauser (34:42)

…in looking at our relationship with our body and who we are as sexual beings is, research shows that having body compassion is one of the most transformative things that you can infuse into your relationship with your body. I personally don’t resonate with the words “body image.” Body compassion and your relationship with your body is my favorite way to determine it. And I think it gives room for us to talk about what we’re really saying, which is: What do I think about my body? What is my relationship? How do I treat my body? How do I project my body? And what do I make of what the world tells me about my body? And that’s complicated—very complicated. And it can be really hard to… you can do all the work on the inside, and then how do you live in a world that doesn’t mimic that and then feel great about walking up and just giving yourself vulnerably to somebody and not knowing what they think and feel? My thought with that is… understand what body compassion is, and where your places of not having the relationship with the body that you want to have are, and spend time there. Spend time having compassion for what your body has been through, how your body works. And one of my favorite things—I have this exercise that I do where I have people write a thank-you letter to their body. And that can be a really painful experience, especially if they stand there like, “I don’t know what to write. I don’t know. Like, I don’t thank it for anything.” And so we start at those places like, well, it carries me, it’s held this. And then we talk about, what has your body been through? My body’s been through this. Thank you for getting me through these periods in my life. And then rewrite it. So it’s like, I love you, body, and fuck you, body. And we put those two together. You get all the things out, because I also think there is—there’s some toxic way of saying that we have to love our body and we have to feel so good about our body. And I think we need to have room to not feel like that, to feel mad at our body, to feel mad that it hasn’t done how we want or looks how we want it to. And that that is a normal way of experiencing. And then you put the two together. And in that integration, that is—it’s not so dissimilar from the role play that we just had, that I think you have to do with yourself.

Lily Womble (36:54)

Yeah.

Dr Juliana Hauser (37:13)

Which is, I don’t think you have to have this beautifully accepting view of your body in order to invite someone into the vulnerability of your body. ⁓ But I do think you need to own what you’re bringing into that as well. ⁓ So some examples that I’ve had with clients are, someone will say that the position of being on top makes them feel extremely vulnerable. They don’t like how their breasts hang, they don’t like how their belly feels, or maybe their knees don’t work like that and they just can’t do that position, or they don’t like being viewed in that way. And my view of that is, with purpose and intention, you can choose not to do that body, do that position. ⁓ But what we don’t want is to avoid things out of the shame of that. We want to say, just…

Lily Womble (37:51)

Mm-hmm.

Dr Juliana Hauser (38:08)

I want my best self when I’m in this position, and it may be because I don’t like the way that my breasts hang. I caught myself in a mirror once and was like, my God, that’s not what I thought it was gonna look like, and I don’t like that anymore. And instead of shaming that, say that isn’t what’s gonna bring me my best self and bring me the most access to pleasure. So it’s not a position that I’m gonna go to first. This is where I feel my best self in, and to me I don’t think there’s anything wrong with working with where you are and being compassionate about that.

So the headline is, don’t think everything has to be fixed. But I do think you need to look at everything with purpose and intention and make decisions on what you’re going to do with the insights that come to you.

Lily Womble (38:51)

Yeah, I also think like, I think about, you know, I’m afraid of a spider and it’s afraid of me too. And I don’t think about how, like, you know, like the spider also feels nervous about… and I think about me being a human being and the person I’m having sex with being a human being, and how we both might have body thoughts. You know, your partner probably does have body thoughts. And ⁓ I think,

Dr Juliana Hauser (39:10)

This the only—

Lily Womble (39:16)

In the moment, what helps me is the reframe: have a body. Just to neutralize in the moment. And if you need to take a break while you’re having sex, if something bursts out and is uncomfortable and you feel insecure, you’re having a lot of insecure thoughts, you can ask for like, can we lay down and cuddle for a second? Like, can we take some deep breaths together? That can be really empowering to sort of do a reset. You don’t have to push through. It doesn’t make you morally higher or more—

Dr Juliana Hauser (39:19)

Yes. Beautiful. Correct.

Lily Womble (39:44)

—evolved, pushed, or less, to push through something.

Dr Juliana Hauser (39:45)

Or less. You’re right. You—

Lily Womble (39:48)

So I love what you’re saying, and I think just like noticing, neutralizing, compassion. Everybody has body thoughts. Everybody.

Dr Juliana Hauser (39:57)

Yes. And the cishet men that I work with, I would say, have more profound negative thoughts about their body and have harder relationships with their body than any other segment of the population that I work with. ⁓ And what I’ve learned is because they often have the least amount of space to share it and to talk about it. There is just not a lot of room to support cishet men in saying, ⁓ don’t love my body. Don’t love it.

Lily Womble (40:10)

Really? Hmm. Yeah.

Dr Juliana Hauser (40:27)

But when they’re given that space, it just comes bubbling out. ⁓ And so what you’re saying too, it’s like even risk-taking and that vulnerability with your partner can make a really big difference as well. And what I say to partners is, you saying you’re beautiful, you’re beautiful, you’re so sexy, doing all the affirmations—don’t stop doing it. But also understand that a lot of times that kind of validation isn’t going to make the difference. Matching them in vulnerability is going to. And you’re not alone. So when you said that, I will say this to couples too, like it’s—

Lily Womble (40:42)

Yeah. Mmm.

Dr Juliana Hauser (41:06)

It is extraordinary anybody’s having any pleasure in sex ⁓ and there’s so much that comes from here to like two humans, or more than two humans, having sex together.

Lily Womble (41:14)

Yeah.

Dr Juliana Hauser (41:20)

One person had the bravery to go first in vulnerability. No matter what the topic of vulnerability is, and you’ve already mentioned multiple ones already, that is such a key to having confidence, to having pleasure, and to being authentic. I say safety is the number one aphrodisiac, and I think vulnerability is the second.

Lily Womble (41:24)

Yeah. Well, let’s move on to number four. How do I approach queer sex for the first time as someone bisexual with only straight experience?

Dr Juliana Hauser (41:53)

My first reaction was like, ⁓ with excitement. Right. But I understand that there often can be some fear in this as well. ⁓ I think education is—like, being armed with information is wonderful, that you just have a base.

Lily Womble (41:55)

I know, so fun. Yeah. Where can people get info that is like a safe place to get info?

Dr Juliana Hauser (42:12)

Right, there’s the caveat of like what I will say. There’s lots, there’s lots that you can Google and there’s a lot of sources ⁓ that are out there. ⁓ There’s even a lot on Instagram, there are a lot of creators that are putting the work out there. And it depends on what you’re looking for. If you’re looking for like the nuts and bolts ⁓ then I actually find TikTok to be one of the best sources of finding people who are saying the things and have figured out the way to talk about it

Lily Womble (42:18)

Yes.

Dr Juliana Hauser (42:42)

without being censored or shut down. Instagram is a little bit harder because there are stricter rules. But then you can Google things and I think there’s just a lot of reputable places out there. So information, just kind of get understanding—like the nuts and bolts of how things work and what your options are of sexual acts. Then I like when you’re educating yourself, I really like to ask people to be embodied in that experience. So how is your body reacting to reading about this? Is it constricting? Is it expanded? Is it aroused? Is it scared? And letting that be a really good ⁓ alert system for where you need to be kind to yourself, where you need to have more energy or to become more resourced ⁓ in the experience, whether that’s getting support, getting modeling, asking people about it as well. ⁓ I also have people ask me, like when they’re expanding into any kind of area in their sexual ⁓ world that is new for them, I like giving this tip: you want to infuse curiosity and fun/humor into the experience. Because at the base of it all, sex is so… wild. I mean like, it’s messy. It’s just this kind of crazy thing that brings pleasure to us. And so when you can have curiosity, then it gives you the ability to be adaptable. Which is, when you can be adaptable, then it really expands your options. When you can find humor, it really brings perspective. And ⁓ when you’re trying something new it can feel a little scary, and ⁓

Lily Womble (44:13)

Yeah.

Dr Juliana Hauser (44:35)

And when you can look at things, like when you can find a no for you, then ⁓ it really gives you a lot of confidence to then really go behind your yeses. And you need that when you’re expanding into something new. ⁓ Being curious ⁓ can really open a lot of doors.

Lily Womble (44:49)

Yeah. Yeah, and I think that self-disclosure, if you feel like we talked about in the first question and the second question, is like—I think that that can be helpful as well. And you can’t say the wrong thing to the right person.

Dr Juliana Hauser (45:12)

One of the things, I don’t know if I can say the name of the app, but there’s an app out there that is meant for people who are wanting to work, to have relationships with couples or are advertising that they could be somebody to work with. And one of the things that I like about it in the profiles, that are different than other dating profiles, is that a lot of people will write: not interested in this, this, and this. Very interested in this, this, and this.

Lily Womble (45:40)

Yeah. We talking about Feeld. Yeah. Great.

Dr Juliana Hauser (45:41)

Yes, yes. And they’ll say like, not interested in first-timers, or we love working with ⁓ helping people get into—it—they’ll call it lifestyle, whatever words they’re using. I love, again, informed consent. Informed consent is so sexy, and knowing what you need and what you want in that is so wonderful. So when I see something like that, or when I advise somebody when they’re on an app like that, if you know it, say it. If you’re new into this, claim that. Like, I’m new into this and I’m looking for somebody that feels comfortable with somebody who’s new into it, that I can ask questions, or that I can find more of what I’m wanting, because I don’t know. And ⁓ that is going to get you a much higher percentage of the chances of having a positive experience than keeping that a secret or ⁓ waiting until the last minute.

Lily Womble (46:22)

Yeah. Right. Right. And I would say you don’t have to be on Feeld, in my opinion, to be seeking out your first queer sexual experience. Both/and—you can start dating somebody and have that conversation very similar to how we had it in the role play a little earlier. Am I getting that right? Awesome. Okay, number five, and we’re just gonna—I could talk to you, Juliana, forever, so let’s—

Dr Juliana Hauser (46:53)

Agreed. Yes, agreed. Yes. Good. Quick. ⁓

Lily Womble (47:04)

Do a speed round through five through ten as much as we can. Obviously we’ll slow down when needed, but ⁓ sexual chemistry and compatibility. Can sexual chemistry develop over time? And, okay, yes, great. But what do you do if it’s not developing, or you feel like you’re always quote directing a partner and sex isn’t improving?

Dr Juliana Hauser (47:07)

Great. Mm-hmm. So yes, sexual chemistry can improve. ⁓ There are some trends that make that more likely, as opposed to if it’s not there in the beginning, that it’s not gonna happen. And that is one: if you aren’t showing up truthfully, like you are afraid—fear is leading the connection, so you’re not being vulnerable, you are performing. If you can reduce that and not show up in fear or in defensiveness, then sexual chemistry can—

Lily Womble (47:35)

Tell us.

Dr Juliana Hauser (47:56)

—can ⁓ grow. Because when you go into authenticity, then you’re gonna know if there is something there. And I have seen that happen. ⁓ Communication can make a big difference in chemistry as well. But there are cases where it is just not there and it’s not gonna happen and you can’t force it. And then the second part was, ⁓ if you’re guiding somebody and they’re not getting it, yes, it’s not getting better.

Lily Womble (48:17)

Yeah, it’s not getting better.

Dr Juliana Hauser (48:21)

This one doesn’t have as high of a success rate, and I’ll just be frank about that. If you are being clear about what you need, what you want—it’s more of this or less of this or try this—and someone isn’t getting it and it’s been multiple times, then the reason why they’re not putting the thought into action is not a good sign. Either they’re not able to do it, it’s threatening to them, they disagree with it, they’re not communicating with it, or it just isn’t in their realm of skill set and capability. ⁓ And that’s really, I think, when you need to call it.

Lily Womble (49:02)

Hmm. How many times do you try, but like at what point would you tell a client maybe, okay, you’ve told them, you’ve directed them, you’ve had conversations, now we need to call it? At what point is that generally?

Dr Juliana Hauser (49:15)

Yeah, I mean, I hate to say it to a certain number because it does vary. I would say, let’s say between three and four times. And if you—

Lily Womble (49:19)

Of course.

Dr Juliana Hauser (49:26)

It could be sooner or later if you are someone who is typically pretty non-reactive to the frustration and you start feeling really frustrated, that time when you’re feeling really frustrated, that’s when you call it. That’s when you say, hey, I’m not sure what the hurdle is for both of us, but I am feeling frustrated that I, in my opinion, I’m really communicating clearly.

I’m handing you the guidebook. I’ve really done my work to bring this to our relationship and I’m not feeling like you’re carrying your weight. I want to hear your perspective about this and maybe I’m missing something here, but I think I’m reaching the end of like, I don’t know if I feel comfortable doing any more work unless I have a partner who is meeting me in that work.

Lily Womble (50:02)

Yeah.

Such a great sentence you just said. I don’t know if I’m comfortable doing any more work. And your part of that listener is knowing what you want and need and being very direct and honest with what you want and need, that authenticity starting from that place instead of, they’re not reading my mind or, I mentioned it four times ago in passing in one sentence that I wanted this and maybe they forgot or they, you know, like you need to be direct. Yeah.

Dr Juliana Hauser (50:45)

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Lily Womble (50:48)

So good. Okay, number six, pain and comfort during sex. What can be done if sex is painful, perhaps due to a condition like lichen sclerosis, and how do you communicate about pain—this is direct quote—without making a partner feel turned off?

Dr Juliana Hauser (50:59)

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. It’s such a good question. And truly, there could be a whole episode just on this. I’m going to keep it. I know we got to keep it fast.

Lily Womble (51:11)

I know, yes.

Dr Juliana Hauser (51:15)

If a partner is turned off by you telling them that you are experiencing pain during sex, then that is the bigger problem. What I see more frequently is not that someone’s turned off, but that a partner becomes afraid. And that they are so afraid of hurting their partner that it is hard for them to—

Lily Womble (51:25)

Hmm.

Dr Juliana Hauser (51:45)

—even want to have sex because they don’t want that to happen. So then it becomes a big cycle of negativity in that. That is actually really serious and it can become a difficult thing. Again, it’s why I keep harping on communication because…

Although sex is something that we see animals doing without communication, the way that humans go about it, you have to have communication skills as a part of who you are as a sexual being. And it’s for things like this too—that if you’re having pain during sex, you want to understand the origin of the pain, you want to be able to say no and not push through the experience unless it’s only like one time just to get data as to what actually is causing the pain so that you can give it to a medical support or a therapist to help you with it. And you need to be able to tell your partner that you’re in pain, that you’re feeling this, so that they don’t feel like you’re keeping information from them, so that they can be helping you to problem solve what’s going on and to problem solve what could make a difference. And if the reason of the pain is pretty significant, you’re going to want their support in figuring out how to get help through medical care or therapy in it and you want them to be partner to you in that experience. The other thing is that sometimes pain is coming from what’s happening with your partner and sometimes it is your body that’s responding to it and it has nothing to do with your partner. You want to be able to identify that difference too and be able to communicate that if you know it with your partner as well because a lot of times when I’m working with couples and some of us self-selected who’s gonna come to therapy, they’re just devastated that this has happened to their sexual life with a person that they like and love and they just want to do something to help their partner. They may not communicate it like that. They may not have the skills to do it, but that’s really where their heart is and they just don’t know what to do because we haven’t been given a lifetime of comfort in knowing how to talk about anything sexual. And when you don’t have a really rich history of learning how to communicate freely about your sexual needs, then we go to the muscle memory of negative behavior almost every time. Sometimes we become, our partners become, their own worst enemy when we’re really conspiring to become teammates. So tell them what hurts and tell them what you know, and you’re aware of what is the origin or what’s the pattern of that pain. Ask them to be a part of it, ask them for any insight that they have, and then ask for the guard.

Lily Womble (54:20)

Mm-hmm.

Dr Juliana Hauser (54:35)

Of what feels okay, what doesn’t feel okay, and if you need to seek other resources, do that. And just be really careful on Dr. Google. I love research on everything. Sometimes it can really scare you and be miseducative. I prefer going to medical or therapist before Dr. Google with pain.

Lily Womble (54:43)

Mm-hmm.

Is there a resource for like accurate information? Because sometimes you don’t even know what kind of doctor to go to. I guess you can start with a gynecologist if you have a vulva. You know, tell me.

Dr Juliana Hauser (55:08)

So honestly, actually what I’m gonna say is I prefer somebody go to a sex educator or a therapist who has expertise with sexuality, frankly, before going to a medical provider, unless one of the things you’ve done with your gynecologist or urologist, if you’re a male or have a penis, is that you’ve already established a relationship that your sexual wellness matters. Because one of the things that has happened is a lot of medical schools are not giving any education about sex and sexuality. Even if you are specialized in gynecology or urology, physicians have to do it themselves. And that is just the textbook information. They’re not given any education on how to approach the topic and not shame somebody or not push somebody down. So I like going with the people who are trained first. They can’t give you medical advice, but they can give you the avenues of: look at vulvodynia, all of these words that you may have never heard before, that then they can guide you to this kind of doctor. And often they will have the network of who is sexually positive in the medical world and what are the specialists that you can go to. That’s best case scenario. I know not everyone knows how to find a sex educator or a sex therapist.

Lily Womble (56:24)

Mmm.

How would they?

Yeah, tell me.

Dr Juliana Hauser (56:32)

I mean, you have to look it up and you have to research sex educator in your town or luckily on the internet, you can do a lot of people online. And a lot of sex therapists will do a one-off. You can look up, you can do like orgasm coach. There are people who—it depends on where you feel comfortable in someone’s training. If you want licenses, then you need to go with someone who’s a sex therapist and there’s an organization called ASECT, A-A-S-E-C-T, that is the American Association of Sex Educators—

Lily Womble (56:41)

Yeah.

Right.

Dr Juliana Hauser (57:02)

—counselors and therapists. They have a really good roster. And that’s where I would start with someone who could do a virtual session with you.

Lily Womble (57:09)

Great.

Dr Juliana Hauser (57:09)

Off.

Lily Womble (57:10)

No, I think like as many resources, like sites that we can send people to because there are so many people on the internet that are saying things that are not accurate or maybe not the most helpful. And so I think that resource alone is golden for folks to start looking into how to get support for like a triaging session, right? Of like how to triage support for yourself. Sev, go ahead.

Dr Juliana Hauser (57:30)

Yes.

So I’ll give two more things then. Planned Parenthood really does have a really great glossary of information that you can go in and ask as well. And you can do it just Googling or if you want to go to your local chapter. And then I don’t know how you feel about this, but I have a lot of clients that are starting to use AI as a part of their regime and looking at things. Although with all the caveats we all know about Googling and adding AI to things.

I have found that people are experiencing really good results with the right kind of worded question as a starting place rather than going to Google. But saying like: these are my symptoms, who are the specialists that I should be talking to? And where are they? Instead of like saying: what is, like what do I have?—which is what most people ask Google—but asking AI to help you come up with your strategy of how to find your support in order to get in.

Lily Womble (58:15)

Mmm.

Dr Juliana Hauser (58:33)

Wording it that way can make a big difference. And then, well, I’ll stop there.

Lily Womble (58:35)

Right.

Huge, that’s so good. Seven, orgasms and sexual response. Three sub-questions, let’s run through them as quick as possible, like we’re at an hour, but I do want to get to all 10. Is it possible to overuse vibrators?

Dr Juliana Hauser (58:57)

You can become desensitized, but you really can’t become addicted. And if you do find yourself desensitized to it, then you just take a break. Your nerve endings will rejuvenate. I mean, it varies body to body. It can even just be a couple of days. A week really does an amazing reset.

Lily Womble (59:08)

How long?

Amazing. How do I actually cross the threshold to orgasm if I get close but never, quote, over the edge?

Dr Juliana Hauser (59:23)

Mm-hmm.

I like looking at hormones to see—sometimes there is a hormonal base to that and it can indicate that you have low testosterone if you are coming to the edge and not going over. So I like ruling out physiological issues and then there is just the mental aspect of letting go. Usually that is a very big association—that someone can be afraid of what it feels like to be out of control or that it feels hard to let go, they’re distracted into it.

And moving into relaxation, addressing any anxiety issues can make a big difference. And then going back to like the two average days there, are you feeling safe emotionally and within yourself, and if you’re doing this with a partner, is your set and setting safe and allowing you to be vulnerable?

Lily Womble (1:00:12)

And how would you ask a provider about that testosterone test?

Dr Juliana Hauser (1:00:17)

It depends on age and you know, there’s lots of caveats with testosterone—

Lily Womble (1:00:21)

Right.

Dr Juliana Hauser (1:00:21)

—but basically you would ask for a blood test and say that I have concerns about my sexual wellness and I’m interested in looking at what my testosterone levels are. Some you won’t have to go any further about it. I mean, you can say, I just want to have a baseline and you may have to say, I’m willing to pay for this on my own. I know it’s not medically indicated and won’t be paid, but there are providers out there that will do it with even just a small answer. And then there’s some that will—you can say it all, say like, I’m not getting to orgasm and I wanna make sure that my testosterone levels are where they need to be.

Lily Womble (1:01:03)

Number eight, sorry, go ahead.

Dr Juliana Hauser (1:01:05)

So a lot of people, and especially in perimenopause and menopause, if you do a vaginal cream that has testosterone in it, they have a high percentage reporting that they can come ⁓ over the edge of orgasm that they didn’t have even with just a week or two of using the cream.

Lily Womble (1:01:22)

So how would you know if that cream is medically advisable or not?

Dr Juliana Hauser (1:01:27)

You just need to talk to your physician about it.

Lily Womble (1:01:29)

Gotcha. It’s not something you can just buy, nor should you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dr Juliana Hauser (1:01:32)

No, no, no. And it’s pretty controversial. There are still a lot of issues. If you want to look up testosterone, the unboxing of testosterone, ⁓ the organization called Let’s Talk Menopause is on a campaign to have the warnings taken off of testosterone ⁓ because there’s a lot in menopause, but it really is for even outside of menopause as well that women lose a lot of testosterone that is so highly tied to our sexual wellness and there’s not enough research and there’s not insurance to back it. But we do know

Lily Womble (1:02:01)

Hmm.

Dr Juliana Hauser (1:02:02)

that there is a lot of benefit in a doddly. It’s just science hasn’t caught up yet so it’s controversial but very positive in a lot of women’s interactions with it.

Lily Womble (1:02:09)

Okay. Gotcha. Okay, number eight. Why can I orgasm solo but not with a partner?

Dr Juliana Hauser (1:02:20)

In some ways it’s because you know your body differently and you can work with the nuance of knowing this is working, this isn’t working, as opposed to someone reading your body. And some of it can be that your partner doesn’t have the greatest of skills or isn’t attuned to it, or that it is…

Some people use a sex toy solo and not with a partner and that can make a big difference as well. There are a lot of reasons, but it’s a very common experience also. And then just the, when you, it’s…

Lily Womble (1:02:54)

Yeah.

Dr Juliana Hauser (1:02:58)

it’s kind of like juggling ⁓ when it’s just you and yourself. You’ve got one ball that you’re dealing with and when you are dealing, like instead of juggling that way and if you’re dealing with somebody else, there’s a lot of extra things going at hand and so that can complicate it. The way that I talk about female orgasm is it’s a little bit more delicate and I don’t mean that as in fragile and awful or precious. Just, it has some complicating factors to it.

that can become quite distracted as opposed to, and this is just obviously in general, some of the male excitation cycle that it doesn’t get as distracted in general. I just want to be attuned to that too.

Lily Womble (1:03:35)

Hmm, hmm. And I just like to say to people who aren’t, who haven’t tried using a toy with a partner, give it a try. Give it a little try. No, like there’s some, I used to carry stigma around. ⁓ I don’t want to bring a toy because that feels reductive to this. And I think it can be additive if you enjoy that.

Dr Juliana Hauser (1:03:45)

Who’s that?

Lily Womble (1:03:58)

Number nine, STI conversations, worries, safer sex. How can I disclose my STI status if someone has an STI? And how can I ask for someone else’s STI status before we hook up in a quote, non-awkward way is the question.

Dr Juliana Hauser (1:04:07)

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. To make it not awkward is to reduce shame and to say it very clearly. I really do understand that the timing of it can feel really vulnerable, especially if anyone’s ever had the experience of disclosing and someone rejects them for it or it changes things. ⁓ But above and beyond. ⁓

the earlier the better for everyone because if it is something that’s a no for the other person then and then I really think it helps to know that a lot sooner than later and the damage that I have seen happen in relationships that someone waits until after they’ve been sexually active with somebody to tell them it’s pretty hard to walk back from, not impossible but pretty hard. So getting ahead of it and again I think it’s shame reduction too. I think I may have told you the story that my, my, my

Mentor Betty Dodson used to joke in groups, she’d say, everyone raise your hand who has an STI. And then when people would raise their hand, she’d look at the people who didn’t and say, I’m so sorry for you all. And she went, I feel so worse, it’s terrible. She said, you must have had a terrible sex life if you didn’t have an STI. And she was doing it just to normalize it. And she was being controversial in the way that she said it. But I really liked the reason why she was being controversial and saying it that way is,

It’s such a shame we meant it such a huge deal. And ⁓ it really shouldn’t be. But it should be something that we do feel.

that we should tell somebody and similar to now that we talk about, you know, if you are sick, we feel the obligation to tell people like, don’t know if I should come to the party tonight. I don’t know if I should come. I don’t want to expose anybody to it. And then they had the option to say yes or no to that. Why is that any different than when we’re saying about STIs? It shouldn’t feel this huge, horrible confession. And it really is. It’s something that happened and it happened because someone probably didn’t disclose to you. ⁓

Lily Womble (1:06:05)

Hmm. Hmm.

Dr Juliana Hauser (1:06:18)

⁓ or you didn’t have the education about it. And so why are we perpetuating that? And the secret of it is perpetuating it. And also, I don’t want to minimize how hard it can be to have one, but I also want to say, I wish it wasn’t that big of a deal in our society that it was, you would have to think about sharing it. And the way that you it is, so I want to let you know this is the last date of my test.

Lily Womble (1:06:34)

Yeah. Yeah.

Dr Juliana Hauser (1:06:41)

These are the test results. These are what was negative. This is what I know that I have. This is how I treat it. This is my comfort level and how I show up for a partner. This is what I expect from a partner. And some people say, I’d like to know your testing. I’d like to know when you do, and like, I’m totally fine with waiting for us to have sex until you go to have your testing. I’ve even had people say, I really need to see, like you telling me it isn’t good. I need to see what your results are. Here are my results also in showing it that way.

Lily Womble (1:07:08)

Hmm.

Dr Juliana Hauser (1:07:11)

or people will go together. I’ve had people that they have a date, they have a date that they go and get their testing done together and they go wait for the results and they make it really, really fun, sexy thing that feels like it’s anticipatory and they can’t wait to have sex instead of it being like this dawn, dawn aspect.

Lily Womble (1:07:24)

Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah. So good. Final question. What do you think is one thing people can do to have better sex in the next month if they are having sex? Or if they’re anticipating having sex, hopefully in the near or far future, what’s one thing they can do to increase the likelihood of that being really fun?

Dr Juliana Hauser (1:07:41)

Okay. Mmm. I ⁓ think it’s really interesting to create, and I call it a fuck it list, but really it is kind of like a dream list of what feels exciting and vibrant for you. And of course the caveat is everyone’s list is gonna be different and there’s no list that’s better or more exciting than the others. It’s just what your list is. Have a list of 10 and have it be a list that has a continuum. That is something that is really fun for you.

let’s say it is, I wonder what it’s like to have someone suck my finger. Okay, so that’s gonna be on my fuck it list and that will be so fun to experience it and I’m gonna look at it as in like, I did not like that actually and that is good to know or like that was awesome, like I wanted to stick my whole hand in you now or whatever that is. And then I want you to ask, I want you to do some research with somebody like find out something that you don’t know. If you hear a phrase or if you hear something on social media that is a joke that you don’t know about.

look it up and don’t be afraid of what you don’t know. Find that to be a fun, curious, almost like a research project or a scavenger hunt of something new. And so a fuck it list and a scavenger hunt of something new can really infuse some fun and lightness to the experience of being sexual.

Lily Womble (1:09:16)

Love it. Bonus points if you do it with a friend or your co-conspirator or a buddy to open up a conversation, if you feel comfortable with that with a friend, you would be surprised at how one question can open up a whole new portal of conversation with somebody that you’ve known for years but never talked about this with.

Dr Juliana Hauser (1:09:19)

Yes. Never does, yes, that’s right. And it doesn’t have to all be sex acts either. It can be like, I’m gonna go into a chat room or I’m going to take this dominatrix ⁓ retreat class, whatever it is. There are so many things. That’s right.

Lily Womble (1:09:45)

Fun. I’m gonna go into a sex shop and ask the sex educator who works there a question about a toy or ⁓ something that I don’t recognize. So good. Dr. J, Juliana Hauser, Dr. Juliana Hauser, how can people find you and work with you and buy your books?

Dr Juliana Hauser (1:09:51)

Yes. Great. Yeah. Great, I am on all social media platforms, Dr. Juliana Hauser, and my website is dr-juliana.

Lily Womble (1:10:10)

Amazing. And people can go pick up your book everywhere online the books are sold, A New Position on Sex: A Guide to Greater Sexual Confidence, Pleasure and Authenticity. We’re going to put the link in the description of this episode and ⁓ on our show notes. Thank you for coming on.

Dr Juliana Hauser (1:10:26)

Thank you.