Stressed about your dating life (and nosy questions) during the holidays? This episode is for you.  Yes, it’s that time of year—when relatives turn the holiday dinner table into a Q&A about your dating life. Lily is sharing how to respond to every nosy question from relatives – that you don’t want to answer! 

This is your guide to handling intrusive questions with confidence while staying grounded and true to yourself. Tune in for the best strategies for setting boundaries, saying “pass the peas” to nosy questions, and finding joy in the season without letting holiday stress or stress about your dating life get in the way.

You’ll learn:

• How to spot the self-judgment trap 

• Why self-compassion is the antidote to self-judgement

• Boundaries that slay: “You don’t owe them your story” becomes your mantra for keeping nosy questions in check

• Active self-care strategies that keep you thriving 

• How to build a joy plan that sticks 

Links:

✨ Register for The Late Bloomer’s Guide to a Confident Holiday Season

Dr. Kristin Neff – SelfCompassion.org
Self-care Activities for Women, Dr. Cicely Horsham-Brathwaite

Show transcript:

[00:00:00] Hey gorgeous friends, welcome to another episode of the Date Phrasin podcast. I’m so glad that you’re here today. We’re going to talk about how to answer every single one of those nosy holiday questions about your dating life. This is coming out before the holidays officially begin. It’s going to be applicable to like literally any time of year with any nosy relatives who are asking questions about your dating life that you don’t want to answer.

[00:00:25] I mean that you don’t need to answer. So this episode is brought to you by my upcoming live free training on December 10th called The Late Bloomer’s Guide to a Confident Holiday Season. In this live training, I am going to teach you exactly how to set all sorts of boundaries with all sorts of questions you don’t want to answer about your love life during the holidays and beyond.

[00:00:49] You’re You are going to also learn how to walk into every holiday gathering, feeling amazing about yourself and confident as hell in who you are and what you’re bringing to the table, which will inevitably [00:01:00] impact how you date as well. I’m going to help you build a rock solid plan for your love life for 2025.

[00:01:06] So that you can make the right relationship inevitable and start finding the right fit dates and the right fit relationship as soon as possible. That training also comes with a workbook, which I’m very excited about. So it’s going to be such a powerful hour together. You’re Get your seat saved at date brazen.

[00:01:25] com slash holiday. And I will see you on December 10th.

[00:01:33] Hey, I’m Lily Womble, former top matchmaker and founder of date brazen. After setting up hundreds, I realized that with. coaching. Women could match themselves better than anyone else ever could. With my unconventional feminist approach, I’ve helped women around the world build courageous and self trust filled love lives.

[00:01:49] And now I’m here to support you get ready. Cause I’m about to show the exact steps you need to attract a soul quenching partnership and feel amazing about yourself along the way. This is the date [00:02:00] brazen podcast. If you are feeling nervous about being single this holiday season and you’re especially nervous at the thought of being asked the question, how’s your dating life going at any holiday table with either a friend who is well meaning, but a little bit nosy and who maybe has been married for a decade and doesn’t remember how hard dating was, or you’re afraid of being asked that question by your nosy aunt.

[00:02:25] who judges you for still being single. Okay. So whatever the question you’re fearing being judged, here’s how to prepare to answer it confidently. Number one, you need to notice where you’re judging yourself. Now this might sound counterintuitive because I’m talking about other people projecting their BS onto you.

[00:02:47] First, you need to notice where you’re judging yourself for still being single. This is deeper than just dating. This is about how patriarchal socialization has impacted how [00:03:00] you see yourself in this present moment, where you are right now, because our world socializes people, especially who are socialized as women to see themselves as less than if they’re not coupled.

[00:03:10] I remember this growing up in the Deep South. Single women were not treated as important. Quote unquote as coupled women and I internalize that at a young age when I was single I felt behind all the time and I was heaping judgment upon myself right every holiday season it was the another holiday season where I was single another holiday season where I was being asked questions about my dating life I felt like I was God, I still don’t have a good answer.

[00:03:35] And I was heaping judgment upon myself, which only made the situation more stressful. So it’s a both and of like their questions might feel really stressful. We’re going to talk about how to handle those and your judgment of self might be even more stressful on top of that self compassion. Self compassion is the antidote for self judgment.

[00:03:58] I’m going to repeat that. Self [00:04:00] compassion is the antidote for self judgment. And I know this from personal experience. And you might be listening to me saying like, Oh God, Lily, here you go again about self compassion. Or, Oh God, Lily, I just started listening to this podcast. What the fuck are you talking about?

[00:04:12] I just want some dating tips. Give me the good stuff. I’m getting there. Self compassion. Is the road to get there. Okay. So how is it the antidote for judgment? It is reducing cortisol, reducing stress and increasing resilience. And this is from a 2014 study out of Stanford. Now, self compassion is a practice like any practice, like a practice of going on walks.

[00:04:37] The more you go on walks, the longer you can walk. Like, Running, the more you go on runs, even if you’re going slowly, the more you can run like a practice of yoga. The more you practice, the more efficient you will be in your practice. The more you will feel the benefits of that practice. Same same with self compassion.

[00:04:56] It is a commitment to yourself. What kind of commitment is self [00:05:00] compassion to yourself, especially if you’re single at the holidays? It’s a commitment that you’re human, that you’re imperfect. And that’s okay, that you’re human, you want things, some of them are not here yet, that’s really hard, and that’s okay, that you get to, under all of that, over all of that, you get to have your own back, that there’s nothing wrong with you for being who you are and where you are right now, and that’s what a self compassion practice is.

[00:05:27] It’s radically turning toward yourself like you are worthy of love and support, which you are. This is your one wild and precious life, and I want you to treat yourself kindly within it, because you deserve kindness. Kindness because it’ll move you forward faster. Here are three things that you can say to yourself that are really self compassionate during this holiday season, no matter where you are, especially if you’re judging yourself.

[00:05:49] Number one, of course, I’m feeling nervous, jealous, conflicted, despair, whatever you’re feeling. Of course, I’m feeling hard feelings about [00:06:00] my love life during this holiday season. Insert context here because I was socialized to believe that being single was wrong. Sucks. Yeah, so just give yourself number one the benefit of your context be kind to yourself number two I’m having a lot of hard thoughts about this noticing your thoughts as thoughts and not facts the thought This is another holiday that I’m single and I’m a failure for it or the thought Everybody’s judging me because I’m single and I should be judged because something is wrong with me.

[00:06:29] Maybe because I’m single and I’m broken, maybe because I’m still single and everybody else is. What do they have? What do they do that I didn’t do? What do they have that I didn’t have, right? All of those thoughts are just thoughts. They are thoughts, not facts. They are sentences in your brain designed to keep you safe, safe from rejection, safe from being put out of the cave and dying of exposure.

[00:06:49] That fear. is normal. Those thoughts are human thoughts and they’re not facts. Noticing those thoughts as not facts is a really important practice [00:07:00] of mindfulness and self compassion. So number one, kindness. Of course, I’m feeling this way. Number two, mindfulness. I’m having a lot of hard thoughts. Number three, bring in belonging.

[00:07:11] I’m not alone. There are so many people that feel this way. Now, this is so hard if you’re one of the only single people or the only single person in your family or in your friend group. This is a hard one because you might look around and see, Lily, no, I am, I am really alone. I’m here to tell you, I coach folks who are single, who are badass, who are amazing, who are bringing so much brilliance to their everyday lives, who also feel difficult around this time.

[00:07:38] I know and I was there. I remember how difficult it was and how I felt just isolated as fuck. If I had this skill then of imagining myself in a collective of other people who are right there with me, I think I would have felt better. And I think you will too. Even if you’re, you don’t have a buddy right now who is single with you, even [00:08:00] if physically you’re the only single person in your vicinity, physically, will.

[00:08:03] I want you to imagine the amount of people just listening to this podcast. Imagine the amount of amazing, brilliant human beings who are whole right now, creating so much brilliance in their lives, who also want a relationship right there with you, who are learning how to date with more joy. I want you to imagine them.

[00:08:21] Us all in a room together. There are thousands of people who listen to every episode of this podcast and you are right there alongside with them. This is adapted from the work of Dr. Kristen Neff. These three pillars of self compassion, kindness, mindfulness, and belonging. Those three things are how you can practice self compassion, integrate those thoughts into your everyday, say them out loud and often to bring in a little more self compassion when you notice self judgment, when you notice yourself freaking out again, it’s going to reduce cortisol and increase resilience and if you’re tired of me talking about self compassion on this podcast, buckle up because we’re not done.

[00:08:56] We’re not done. I think that this is such an important [00:09:00] resource because it’s not toxic positivity. It’s not trying to program your brain to have a positive thought right now. It is working with what is right now, which is the only way to actually move forward. Instead of blaming yourself for having negative thoughts and hard feelings and then saying, I shouldn’t feel that way.

[00:09:19] I shouldn’t think that way. And then trying to map on a positive thought to it. That’s just toxic, toxic positivity. This is working with what is caring for your nervous system and moving forward. I also love the meditations that are free on Kristen Neff’s website, self dash compassion. So first we acknowledge where you might be feeling some self judgment.

[00:09:39] and release that self judgment with self compassion. Now, second, I want you to acknowledge the fear that you have about the holidays and being single, whatever the fear is, and then underneath that fear, there’s probably a desire. And I want you to recognize that desire. Now here’s what I mean by that. You probably have a desire to feel peace [00:10:00] and to not be judged.

[00:10:01] You probably have a desire for a more self celebratory, joyful, peaceful love life and dating life and life in general. And if you’re listening to this podcast, you probably have the desire to find and be with the right partner. You probably have a desire to release the negative thoughts about yourself.

[00:10:21] Like, I’m broken. Or you have a desire, maybe you would put it as, I have a desire to fix the problem, right? I have a desire to fix the dating life, right? What if the desire was to have a dating life with a partner? That was a reflection of how awesome the rest of your life was. What if the desire was to have a dating life that was boundary as hell and in which you were confident as hell.

[00:10:44] All of those desires are wonderful. Welcome them in. Acknowledge the desire underneath your fear. And then write yourself a freaking permission slip to want what you want and to have it. [00:11:00] And if that feels a little grandiose, you can write yourself a permission slip to want what you want and to be figuring out how to have it.

[00:11:07] And with that permission slip, I want you to renew it daily or weekly this holiday season. What permission do you need to give yourself? What’s the desire underneath the surface? And for me, when I have a fear, specifically when I was single, my fear was I’m too much. Everybody can smell it on me. I’m single for a reason because I’m too much.

[00:11:26] I got to figure this out Otherwise, everybody’s gonna think that I’m a loser who can’t find a relationship. La la la la la la all of those fearful thoughts, right? Underneath those fearful thoughts for me where I want to feel less alone I feel like an alien in this, in this situation, in this party, right?

[00:11:44] This like, I’m too much isolation, isolation, isolation. I wanted to feel less alone underneath the fear of I’m broken and I’m never going to find somebody was I desire to feel whole right now. And I desire to have more hope [00:12:00] for what I want in my love life and on and on, right, the desires under the surface are totally normal and great and you get to what would you want and acknowledging what you want underneath the surface of your fear will help you start to figure out how to get what you want instead of everything being clouded by the big fear thoughts.

[00:12:20] Okay, those big fear thoughts are creating a lot of feelings like panic in your body or despair in your body that then create actions like you shut down. Like when somebody asks you about your dating life, you say, I don’t know, it’s fine, it’s fine. And then they only press on more and then you feel shitty for the rest of the day.

[00:12:40] Or create actions like trying to get on a dating app and going on all of these dates that you know aren’t right for you. Okay, bye. Instead of acting from the fear, acknowledge the fear, care for it with self compassion and acknowledge the desires underneath from those desires, we can do a lot of great powerful work instead of operating from a place of [00:13:00] panic.

[00:13:00] What if you integrated the thought or belief? I’m figuring out how to do this. I’m not alone. And then from that place, You could create a little more opening, a little more opportunity. So for this holiday season, before we get to the tactical boundaries, which are coming, how can you experience what you desire to experience?

[00:13:21] Like the desires that you have to feel peaceful, to feel whole, to be on the right path, to finding the right partner. How can you experience what you want right now before you meet your partner? I am Not saying that being single is the same thing as being partnered or that you just need to love yourself more.

[00:13:40] I’m saying that what you want is more available right now than you might realize. And I want to help you generate the feelings of peace, of self acceptance, of self compassion, of, uh, of, of hope. And I want you to help create boundaries from that place instead of creating boundaries from [00:14:00] the panicked place.

[00:14:01] And how do you do this? You do it with three things. Boundaries, a self care plan, and a joy building plan. Boundaries are essentially saying this is okay and this is not okay. Boundaries are centering yourself. They can be really scary, especially if you were raised or socialized in a space where you were taught that you had to care for everybody else’s feelings in order to survive.

[00:14:24] Boundaries are a radical act of self determination, of self centering. But even that, like, I hear you in the back of my head, I’m like, I hear you saying, but Lily, it’s selfish to set boundaries, and it’s selfish to want what I want, and it’s selfish to, it’s self indulgent to center myself. Seriously, so?

[00:14:43] This is your one wild and precious life. You could stand to be more selfish. Especially in your love life, and by love life, I mean how you’re treating yourself, how you’re going after finding the right partner, how you do relationships on the whole. How are you treating yourself in your love life? [00:15:00] You need to be more selfish.

[00:15:01] And untangling the gnarly things that you were taught about what it means to be selfish that you’ll Be alone because you’re selfish or that you’ll, you know, you won’t find a partner if you’re selfish or nobody’s going to want to be around you if you’re selfish. All of those things are like a gold chain, it’s very fine and delicate, that has been knotted up over years of being taught that in order to be safe you need to people please, you need to be perfect, and you need to care give for everyone around you all the time or else, right?

[00:15:27] That’s bullshit. Now I understand that they were safety mechanisms that were keeping you safe and have been keeping you safe until then. Thank you safety mechanisms. Thank you for delivering us to this moment, to this podcast, both and it’s time to untangle that shit. It’s time to start slowly untangling this gold chain and looking at the pieces and being like, okay, this is goes through here.

[00:15:46] This is an unhurried unfolding of untangling what you were taught about it being bad to center yourself in order to belong. This is untangling work. You get to want what you want. You get to be selfish. You get to set boundaries. [00:16:00] You get to be the priority in your own life. It doesn’t mean that you’re saying that everybody else’s needs don’t matter.

[00:16:06] It’s that you’re saying that your needs matter just as much as everyone else’s. In fact, you are the only one who can get your needs met. So they actually matter more because you’re the one in charge of them. So boundaries, let’s get into it. Tactically, if you are asked a question like, how’s your dating life going?

[00:16:25] This is being asked by a person that you’re not in deep trust with. You don’t know them your story. Even if you’re a late bloomer, even if you have just gotten a divorce and you told everyone that you were dating three months ago and now you don’t want to talk about it or whatever the case. You don’t owe anyone your story.

[00:16:44] And what if you integrated this like self compassion and you integrated this desire work You desire to like center yourself and to figure this out You got to answer from that place of just like unbothered energy of like it’s going fine. [00:17:00] Pass the peas Unbothered energy is the goal for you just for yourself, right?

[00:17:07] You don’t have to engage with people, especially people that are not trustworthy to engage with on this topic. Not every friend is the right friend to talk about your dating life with. Not every family member is the right person to to talk about your dating life with. And the problem that I got into when I was single, and I felt such deep feelings of despair in my dating life for feeling like a late bloomer, is that I would look for external validation all the time about my dating life.

[00:17:34] I would say something like, Oh, it’s not going well. Like, haha. Will you look at my dating profile? Like, I think it’s good. Right. Outsourcing my agency. I was trying to get validation because I felt so like, like something was wrong with me. And I’m here to tell you that we’re figuring this out together. You get to talk to people and invite people into your story who you trust, and it will help you move forward.

[00:17:57] You don’t have to talk to people who you know will judge you, or [00:18:00] who you know will say things like, let me swipe for you, and that doesn’t feel supportive. Or people who will say things like, well why don’t you go out with my cousin’s brother’s little nephew, because I heard that he’s really cute and nice, and you’re like, uh, no thank you.

[00:18:13] Don’t even engage. You just say, it’s going fine. Pass the piece. You could also say something like, I’m really believing that what is meant for me will not pass me by. Pass the piece, right? Move on. org. You could also say something like, you know what? It’s going fine. And I’m excited for 2025. Practice being in the habit of protecting your peace with who you open up to about this.

[00:18:41] I think you get to open up about your dating life to the right people. And I want you to be discerning and center yourself and know who those right and wrong people are for this specific topic. Now, if you experience judgment from someone or you get unsolicited advice about your love life that does not feel helpful, you have permission to [00:19:00] leave the conversation.

[00:19:01] You have permission to viciously change the subject of like, they’re giving you unsolicited advice and be like, Oh my God, wait, I love that brooch. That brooch is so beautiful. You also have permission to just go to the bathroom. Oh my God, I just got the urge to go to the bathroom by literally a bathroom break.

[00:19:17] is a great boundary. And then when you come back, they will probably move on to something else. Step number two is the self care plan, right? How are you going to care for yourself actively, right? Do you have a therapy appointment scheduled? Do you, are you in community with anybody who is going through this with you, who you can text?

[00:19:35] I also love the book, self care activities for women, 101 practical ways to slow down and reconnect with yourself by Dr. Cicely Horsham Brathwaite and it’s such a good practical guide for like self care. And lastly, listen to podcasts that make you feel belonging. Finally, during this holiday season, I want you to have a rock solid joy building plan.

[00:19:57] Joy is connective. [00:20:00] Joy, your joy is important to prioritize. So, make a list of five things that you want to do this holiday season that would bring you unreasonable, giddy, playful, childlike amounts of joy. Whether that is getting a gorgeous, sparkly, metallic watercolor set and going to town on some watercolor paper.

[00:20:20] I’m going to do that. Or, Or it’s going to a really fancy hot chocolate shop and getting the fanciest hot chocolate in your town. Or inviting your friends over for a Lord of the Rings marathon. What would bring you unreasonable amounts of joy this holiday season? Make a list of those five things and put them in your calendar.

[00:20:38] Prioritize yourself in your calendar this holiday season. Ask yourself the question, what do I want to do? And do it period. What do I want to do? What do I think about this? Right? This is the process of centering yourself in a way that will move you forward because I know that joy building It’s one of my components of an in person dating plan.

[00:20:59] You [00:21:00] can make eye contact at joy building activities You can say hello to cuties outside of your house just to build that. Thank you more Please hope that there are people who exist I don’t think you have to actively date this holiday season to be moving forward in your love life You I’ve got you in a few episodes.

[00:21:14] I’m going to give you an entire 2025 dating plan so that you can enter the year feeling so solid. And of course, I’m going to help you build your bespoke plan in my upcoming training on December 10th called the late bloomers guide to a confident holiday season. And I hope you join us there as a reminder.

[00:21:34] Pass the peas, move the conversation along. You do not owe anyone your story, both and, release that self judgment as much as you possibly can with self compassion. Acknowledge the desires that you have beneath the fears, and then build a plan with boundaries, self care, and that joy building. You’ve got this, and I’ve got your back.

[00:21:55] Talk to you next [00:22:00] week.