Are you a late bloomer wondering, “How the hell do I even start dating?”

In this episode, Lily breaks down the exact 6-step roadmap to go from anxious and avoidant to confident and aligned in your love life. You’ll learn how to drop shame, claim your essence-based preferences, use dating apps with boundaries, and build your IRL dating strategy—messy and awkward and powerful.

 

Here’s how to work with Lily:

✨ On Demand Training: 3 Steps to Attract the Right Partner as a Late Bloomer

✨ Buy her book: Thank You More Please: https://datebrazen.com/book

✨ Download the free “Create Your Essence-Based Preferences” Guide HERE

 

Follow Lily on:

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✨ Youtube

Show transcript:

Lily @ Date Brazen (00:00.024)

Hey, Gretta’s friend, welcome to another episode of the Date Brazen podcast. I’m so glad that you’re here. Today, we are getting into the next installment of our Late Bloomer series, how to start dating. Because so many of you have questions about like, how do I start dating if I’ve never dated? How do I just get started? Especially if you’ve been avoiding dating or you feel super duper anxious. I’m going to answer all of your questions about how to get dating.

This episode is going to be very direct and to the point because I want you to have the sexiest summer of your life. And if you’re listening to this or watching this after summer, then just insert the season there. I want you to have the sexiest season of your life. You deserve that. Even if you’re a late bloomer, even if you’ve never dated before, even if you don’t have any evidence that it’s gonna work out for you in your dating life, let this episode be the kickstart that you need.

to get going toward your desire. Because I believe your desire is evidence that it exists. I believe that dating is just a skill set that you can learn and do and meet the right person with more ease than you thought possible. When you build the skill set with main character energy. When you build the skill set with self-compassion instead of somebody else’s rigid, like dumb rules. I want you to figure out a dating life that feels good for you and that leads to love. And that’s exactly what I’m gonna help you do in this episode.

Let’s get into it.

Hey, I’m Lily Wonville, former top matchmaker and founder of Date Brazen. After setting up hundreds, I realized that with coaching, women could match themselves better than anyone else ever could. With my unconventional feminist approach, I’ve helped women around the world build courageous and self-trust-filled love lives, and now I’m here to support you. Get ready, because I’m about to share the exact steps you need to attract a soul-quenching partnership and feel amazing about yourself along the way. This is the Date Brazen podcast.

Lily @ Date Brazen (02:01.358)

This episode is brought to you by my book, Thank You More Please. If you have wanted to build a dating life that feels joyful, but you don’t know where to start, or you’ve been so ingrained in dumb dating rules that have you shrinking or people pleasing or playing the numbers game, then you are going to freaking love Thank You More Please, a feminist guide to breaking dumb dating rules and finding love. Inside this book, I have outlined the step-by-step process that I teach.

all of my clients so that they can drop the shame from their past experiences, break all those old patterns of shrinking and self-sabotaging so they can actually show up as themselves, own everything that you want and start dating with freaking confidence online and in person. And in this book, I also share my story of how I went from feeling like an anxiously bloomer to making a ton of mistakes in my dating life, landing in a situation ship that was really toxic for me.

how I got out of it and how I ended up creating a joyful as fuck dating life that led to meeting the love of my life, Chris IRL. You’re going to love this book. It’s being called a hilarious page turner, which for a nonfiction advice book, I am putting that as a feather in my cap. And I know that you’re going to love this book too. You can get thank you more please anywhere books are sold and you can get a special bonus at datebrazen.com slash book.

The bonus is my podcast listening guide where I outline the top 10 dating issues that you’re probably facing right now and exactly what podcast episodes to listen to to fix your dating issue within 30 minutes. You’re gonna love this free podcasting guide because I know I have a ton of podcast episodes and I want you to have a directed focus of like where you’re struggling, what to listen to. So go to datebrazen.com slash book.

Enter in your receipt number and you’ll get that bonus right away. And you’ll have thank you more please. This book is going to change your life and I can’t wait for you to read it. With that, let’s get back into the episode. Step number one of six, just six steps and I’m gonna be very direct with you. You need to drop the shame, okay? Because the reason I have a job is that there are a lot of late bloomers who want to find love without the patriarchal bullshit and the shrinking along the way. The fact that I have a job means that you are not alone.

Lily @ Date Brazen (04:22.713)

And I think so many late bloomers have so much shame about being alone. I remember being a late bloomer. I remember feeling so much shame about I’m behind, I’m alone, I’m the only single friend in my circle. And here’s the deal, if you’re the only single friend in your circle or if you’re the only late bloomer that you know, you need to expand your social circle, my friend, because you are so not alone, you are not broken, you’re not too behind. In fact, there’s no such thing as too behind when you have the skills that I’m gonna teach you in this episode.

and what you want is possible. Okay? So let’s work on dropping the shame. Now, here’s what’s not gonna work to help you drop the shame. The facts that I just shared. It’s kind of counterintuitive. I know that logically, you know, maybe it felt like a warm hug or it felt affirming to hear those facts that I just shared, that you’re not alone, that it’s not too late, that what you want is possible, because I’ve seen it happen again and again, even for Lee Bloomers. But…

facts are not going to help heal your shame. In fact, I don’t want you to try to logic your way out of the shame, because that’s just gonna end up in a sort of a seesaw cycle. The seesaw cycle, the seesaw brain as I call it, on one end you have, I’m a late bloomer, I feel a lot of shame about it, that shame fills your body. And then on the other end of the seesaw, you have, but it’s fine.

It’s gonna happen. Lily said that it’s possible and that I’m silly for having this shame, whatever. I’m not saying that, but maybe you have those thoughts. And that seesaw just goes back and forth, back and forth, that cognitive dissonance. I’m a late bloomer, it’s never gonna happen. Yes, it is. I don’t know everything that’s gonna happen. We need to stop the fighting in your brain, okay? Cause that’s exhausting. Get off the seesaw with the skill of self-compassion. The skill of self-compassion, instead of saying you should be over this by now or you should just start dating,

says, God, shame is really tough. It is really hard. I am sorry that you feel that way. It is really normal to feel this way. You’re human. How human of you that you feel shame. There’s nothing that you could say, do, or feel that would make me want to stop being your friend. I’m here with you. That thought, there’s nothing you could say, do, or feel that would make me want to stop being your friend, is a thought by Coach Simone Sol that I freaking adore. Self-compassion is not toxic positivity.

Lily @ Date Brazen (06:44.548)

Self-compassion is not toxic positivity. Self-compassion is a proven resource out of a 2014 study at Stanford that showed that with a consistent self-compassion practice, which could literally just be a deep breath into your body and saying, ooh, God, that’s so normal, I’m here with you, that’s really hard. Literally that, that practice reduces cortisol, AKA stress, and increases resilience. Two things that you need to start dating as a late bloomer. So to drop the shame, instead of,

toxic positivity in your way out or instead of trying to logic your way out, notice how you are a part of a bigger collective of people figuring this out together. People are listening to this episode that are right there with you. I’m here recording this episode right here with you. So notice that you’re a part of a collective. Also know that shame is part of life. I feel shame sometimes on a daily basis and it is…

my job as a human being to practice processing it, to notice where it is in my body, to breathe into it, to say there’s nothing that you could say to or feel that would make me want to stop being your friend. Like, that’s my job as a human being, just like it’s my job to poop. Feelings are bodily functions, just like poop. Okay, kind of gross, and it’s true. You’ve got to process them and pass them to effectively move forward with your day, week, month, life.

Third piece of this process of self-compassion is just being kinder to yourself. Being kind to yourself like a best friend would be kind to you. You need to increase your tolerance for being kind to yourself because pushing yourself and blaming yourself and feeling shame all the time and not processing it with kindness is actually keeping you stuck in your worst case scenario. If your worst case scenario is I never meet anybody and I die alone, right? Nothing wrong with being single. Being single is amazing.

Both hand, if you want to meet somebody, and your worst case scenario is I’m gonna die alone, you’re already kind of living it. So what got you to here is not going to get you where you want to go, and this is how you effectively process the shame with the skill of self-compassion. Final thing is that you gotta notice that you’re having a lot of thoughts, not facts. A lot of you don’t know the difference between thoughts and facts, and that’s totally fine, because you’ve survived until now with that assumption that your thoughts mean that they’re true. No, no, no, no, no. Your human brain has so many thoughts throughout the day.

Lily @ Date Brazen (09:03.666)

that are just emotional interpretations of the world around you in order to keep you safe and also in order to kind of keep you stuck here, because the brain doesn’t really like to change. So to effectively move through the shame, you’re a part of the collective. Remember to feel your feelings. They’re like poop. You got to breathe into your body. I’m willing to feel anything to be with you. And then notice like thoughts, not facts. You’re having a lot of thoughts that aren’t facts, how human of you, both, and it might be possible to learn something new. So that’s step one.

to drop the shame. It’s really important in this step to expand your social circle if you currently feel really isolated. That’s why I have my program, Main Character Dating, that is opening back up in a few weeks. You’ll hear more about that soon. That’s why I wrote this book so that people could realize that they’re not alone. That’s why I’m hosting this podcast so that you can be a part of a collective of people. You could even find a bestie who comments on one of my posts on Instagram.

And like say hello, like you’re not alone and you need to start dropping the shame by meeting new people, expanding your social circle and engaging this desire for more in your dating life out loud instead of letting it just swim in your brain. Step number two, own your essence based preferences. This is so important as a late bloomer. You might say to me, Lily, I’m a late bloomer. I’ve never been in a relationship. How would I know what I want?

Do you know what you want in a friendship? Do you know ideally what you’d want in a partnership even a little bit? Then you have enough information to create your essence-based preferences. The good news is that they will grow and change with you. This is not a one and done. This is a living, breathing vocabulary of what you want. And as you date, you’re gonna learn more about what you want and your EBPs essence-based preferences will develop. How the hell do you create essence-based preferences? I’m so glad that you asked. And first, backing up.

Why do they even matter? So you probably are doing one of two things when you think about what you want. As a late bloomer, either you go really rigid, I call that over-functioning, must be exactly this height, exactly this location, exactly this kind of job, la la la. That rigidity is in an effort to self-protect because of your fear that you’re gonna end up in the wrong relationship. The problem with that rigidity is that it is cutting you off from being surprised by the right people, okay?

Lily @ Date Brazen (11:28.58)

On the other end, what you’re probably doing, maybe, if you’re not over-functioning, is under-functioning. Taking your hands completely off the wheel, saying, somebody nice with a job, laying on your couch every single night, instead of putting yourself out there powerfully, instead of trying, you avoid taking action, or you get into anxious spirals where you just end up on your couch anyway. That’s under-functioning, because you want something, it’s not here yet, and this is our one wild and precious life, in the words of Mary Oliver, so let’s fucking go.

Okay, that last part obviously is not Mary Oliver, that’s me. Let’s fucking go. You want something that’s not here yet? So come in the middle with Essence-Based Preferences. It is clarifying what do I want in a right relationship with values and personality traits. Then from there, I’m gonna help you with my free guide that is like totally free. It’s 14 pages. It’s going to rock your world at datebrazen.com slash workbook. You can get it right now.

Basically, you’re gonna brain dump all the personality traits and values that you want in a partner. Then I’m going to help you refine. I’m gonna help you come into your root words. So instead of saying, would just want somebody kind, you’re gonna be asked so many questions from me in that guide that you’re going to know, it’s not actually kind. A more concise, like clear version of what I want is compassionately curious, okay? And then you’re gonna have your own definition for that word so that when a friend asks you, what are you looking for? Instead of saying nice,

funny, kind, smart. You can say, I want somebody compassionately curious, and here’s how that shows up in the world. I want somebody joyfully nerdy, and here’s how that shows up in the world to me. Because all of these words mean something so different to everyone. You need to have your own love life vocabulary that describes how you want to feel in their presence, that describes their ideal personality traits and values, so that you can concisely ask for what you want.

And so that you can use those EBPs as your metric to tune in after every single date to know whether or not somebody is right for you. This is subtle proofing your dating life. Essence based preferences for my late bloomer clients is an empowering act of agency to claim. It is saying, I may not have been in the right relationship yet, but I am here to take up space on this planet and I get to want what I want. Wanting what you want and having the vocabulary to describe it with ease.

Lily @ Date Brazen (13:52.688)

is exactly what magnetizes the right people to you. Think about it like a job. If you just show up to a job interview and you say, I just want a job that pays me, you’re probably going to get a shittier job than you want with hours that you don’t exactly want, with pay that isn’t really good. Whereas if you come in very clear and confident, hey, I want this salary range in this type of company with this type of culture, and I wanna feel this type of way at the workplace, and asking questions that qualify and disqualify.

different employers or bosses, whatever, you’re so much more likely to find your dream job. Same, same with essence-based preferences. You need this to be able to clearly articulate what you want, even if you’re a late bloomer, especially if you’re a late bloomer. And this is going to be helpful in being open to being surprised by the package that your future partner comes in. This is when people say, this person doesn’t exactly meet my usual type, but should I give them a chance? My next question is,

Have you asked them qualifying, disqualifying questions to gauge whether or not they have your essence-based preferences? And if they do, even just a little bit, go on a date because you’re curious. They may not be your type, but they may make you feel the way you want to feel. So you got to, bananas. You need to claim your essence-based preferences. And as a late bloomer, I’m issuing a dare to you. I dare you to do your essence-based preferences within one week. I want you to be very serious about getting what you want this year.

and essence-based preferences are the logical next step. Step number three on how to start dating as a late bloomer, claim one to three qualifying disqualifying questions. I talk all about this in episode 182 of the Date Brazen podcast. My qualifying disqualifying question strategy was born out of my experience as a top professional matchmaker. I was having literally thousands of phone calls with.

people for my clients, I counted them up once, it was over a thousand calls that I had made for my clients, to gauge whether or not these people would be right for my clients. I had to ask direct questions that got to the heart of whether or not they met my clients’ preferences on a deeper level than just the surface. So, qualifying, disqualifying questions are as follows. Opening with something like, what’s bringing you joy lately? To allow them to show you who they are. Because in the words of Dr. Maya Angelou,

Lily @ Date Brazen (16:15.964)

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. What’s bringing you joy lately is intentional. It is also going to weed out people that don’t want to be more serious. If that question doesn’t feel like you, you can alter it. You don’t have to use it. And I know that it works. If it feels a little awkward, be willing to be a little awkward, okay? If it excites you, go for it. You could also use opening questions like what’s made you laugh hardest lately?

That’s also a good one to get to know their sense of humor, to get to know what’s bringing them joy. And then a few questions into the conversation. I really want you to ask, what are you hoping to find in your dating life? This is not a check yes or no if you want a relationship, but this is just opening up the conversation in an adult way so that you don’t waste your time with people that are unaligned with your vision of what you want moving forward. There are a list of over 50 qualifying, disqualifying questions in my book, Thank You More Please, and you can pick it up.

anytime at any bookstore. You can pick up Thank You More, Please and have the whole list of qualifying, disqualifying questions or listen to 182, episode 182 for more ideas. But you need to know one to three qualifying, disqualifying questions that you are going to ask to like gauge whether or not somebody has your essence-based preferences, right? So what does this do? This helps you to stop overthinking your communication because you can’t say the wrong thing to the right person.

If you’re worried about the conversation being stilted or whatever, it doesn’t really matter. You can also always just say in a conversation with somebody on a dating app or IRL, I know this is kind of random, but what’s made you laugh hardest lately or something like that, just to be more intentional. One of my clients asked what’s bringing you joy lately, and it was the thing that her future partner, then first date, mentioned as one of the reasons he was so excited to meet with her.

because he had spoken about that question with his therapist the week before. What a qualifier disqualifier. All of this is basically like, what do you want? And how are you giving yourself permission to want it? And how are you asking questions to gauge whether or not somebody has what you want? This is re-centering yourself in your dating life instead of centering the people who are wrong for you or centering your late bloomer anxiety. Because like I said,

Lily @ Date Brazen (18:33.999)

The late bloomer story of I’m too behind, it’s gonna be weird to people, nobody’s gonna wanna be with me because I’m so behind. That story has kept you stuck for far too long. You want something, it’s not here yet, so let’s fucking go. It’s time for you to learn something new and to try something new to get a different result. Number four, step number four, download one dating app and create a boundary strategy. Try it for one month. I don’t want you to get into the download delete cycle, I just want you to try cozy swiping for one.

month and I’m going to explain what that is. I got a question on Instagram. How do I date without dating apps? Because they’re sucking the soul out of me or sucking the joy out of me. That makes total sense. Dating apps are the invention of sort of a toxic tech bro culture that introduced the swipe right, swipe left model. It’s been like 11, 12 years since Tinder has been on the market. I get it. You’re exhausted. You might’ve been dating for that whole time and dating apps really

Present you with all the options which means you have so much more access to the people that are wrong for you than you ever have before then we ever have before as a human species so You do I need to be on a dating app? They’re optional with my IRL strategy that I’m gonna get into next. They’re really optional both and They are a tool there. It’s sort of like if somebody came to me I’m not a carpenter or anything, but if somebody came to me and was like do I need to have

a hammer in my toolkit if I wanna build a table. I would say like, I think you can do most of it with a screwdriver and a drill, but you probably wanna hammer just for those, I don’t know, I’m totally riffing. And I don’t know if a hammer is, maybe I should know that. Maybe that is something I should know. I’ll make a note. But no, I think that it’s just a tool. It can be a very useful tool. It is important for you to.

Practice dating with the tools at your disposal because they’re tools at your disposal. Dating apps are not inherently evil, I don’t think, though I hate them all equally. I think that with the right strategy and plan and community support, you can use dating apps as a tool that you’re unbothered by, a tool that you are the CEO of so that you can more effectively go on dates and have the sexiest season of your life. So here are my quick hitting dating app tips and boundaries.

Lily @ Date Brazen (20:56.385)

One dating app, not five, not two, one, okay? One dating app. They all kind of suck. Just choose the one that you hate the least or you like the most. I usually recommend Hinge or Bumble because their user interface is pretty good and I like their interfaces. If you live in other places where Hinge and Bumble aren’t being used, utilize the app that is being used by people in your area. I know in certain places in Europe.

Tinder is the dating app and not in some places Tinder is a hookup app. Also, if you want hookups, like want hookups and go have hookups that are safe and fun, like period. But, and if you’re looking for a partner or you’re looking to go on intentional dates, just choose one dating app, right? Don’t overthink it. Just try for a month. And then if you want to switch dating apps, you totally can. Number two, 20 minutes a day, no notifications. 20 minutes a day, max, no notifications.

Make a profile that is uniquely you, okay? Don’t overthink it, just put one up. I I get really intentional about dating profiles in my book and in my program, Main Character Dating, but for the purposes of you showing up messily as a late bloomer, just trying shit and starting to date, it’s time to play. Answer your own qualifying, disqualifying questions and use that as fuel for your profile prompts, right? If you answer the question, what’s bringing you the most joy right now,

Use that to fuel a profile prompt like we’ll get along if, yeah? We’ll get along if, if what’s bringing you joy right now is going to Cowboy Carter during the summer of 2025 and going to see Beyonce. If what’s bringing you joy right now are your nephews who are so delightful and wild. If what’s bringing you joy right now is re-watching The Muppet Show because Miss Piggy is such a queen, whatever it is.

then use that to fuel your answer. So we’ll get along if you think Miss Piggy is a queen, you’re game to splurge for pit tickets for Cowboy Carter, and family is important to you, if that’s your nephew piece, and you really want somebody family-oriented. See how much more intentional that is, then we’ll get along if you like tacos, or we’ll get along if you like to bake, or we’ll get along if you like to go on trips, right? Like, be specific, be you.

Lily @ Date Brazen (23:16.933)

So be really specific and you and your profile prompts. Make sure that your pictures are of you looking like you’re in your joy, whatever that looks like with a diversity of shots from here to here. I’m on YouTube. So like from your chest up is your opening shot. Ideally not a selfie unless it’s the best fucking selfie I’ve ever seen in my life. And then for the next pictures like

a wonderful body shot in picture number two or three, just to show somebody how you’re showing up in the world. The right people will be attracted to you and excited to meet you. And then just put more pictures of you and your joy in your profile. So that’s the quick and dirty how to get a profile up in a day. Don’t give it to all your friends and ask them for all their opinions. If you have one close trusted friend, give it to them to see if it feels like you, but as much as possible,

try to avoid the committee-based dating profile because I think that it makes it more essentially them and less essentially you. And again, I get really intentional about dating profiles, even more so than this. In my book, Thank You More, Please, and in my program, Main Character Dating, we literally have you go through our whole process and then submit your dating profile for video review, and then we get back to you with a one-on-one video.

outlining like what we want you to deepen, what we want you to shift, what we want you to do to become even more magnetic to the right people so that your profile is doing the work of qualifying the right people and disqualifying the wrong ones with more ease. So that’s my quick and dirty dating app. You don’t have to use it. It’s optional when you have IRL dating, both and you need to be unbothered about that one tool. The dating app is gonna show you more people than you can meaningfully connect with.

The dating app is gonna show you people that you fundamentally don’t wanna be with. The dating app is gonna show you people who are absolutely wrong for you. And your job is to not make the people that are wrong for you mean everything about what’s possible for you. When you look at a dating app and say, I haven’t matched with anybody in two weeks who I’m interested in, first of all, that’s normal when you’re being more intentional. Second of all,

Lily @ Date Brazen (25:25.379)

If you make that mean that what you want isn’t possible, if you let that dating app be fueled your late bloomer fire, late bloomer anxiety fire about it’s not possible, it’s not gonna work out, I don’t know what I’m doing, whatever. These are wrong people, I’m never gonna meet the right people. Watch your thoughts, go back to step number one, right? Be mindful of your thoughts not facts and process of feelings as they come up. I recommend doing a little dance party before swiping.

I recommend doing maybe a little meditation before swiping, maybe even laying on the floor, maybe even writing a list of 20 reasons you love yourself and try to do it in two minutes. That’s a great pre-swiping ritual. After swiping, I would encourage you to get really intentional and like write, do a thought dump. What thoughts am I having about myself and what’s possible in my dating life? And then take those thoughts and feelings through the framework that I taught you in number one, to get out of the seesaw brain, to get out of the like, it’s not possible. Yes, it is, not, it’s not.

Be intentional, okay? And care for your nervous system along the way. That skill of self-compassion will be everything to how you are able to create, sustain the best dating life possible and how you’re able to attract the right people to you without burnout, okay? That’s a lot. I get it, that’s a lot. Just start messily and awkwardly and be mindful of how your brain and body are reacting.

Notice the thoughts not facts and choose to practice the baby step thought with self-compassion. It might be possible that I’m on the way to meeting my person. It might be possible that I’m just learning something new. It might be possible that I haven’t met everyone yet. Number five, do just one thing IRL for your dating life. I have three options. Option number one, this is the easiest option, joy building. Go do something outside of your house this week that brings you joy. It doesn’t have to cost any money. Could be going to your local community garden and

asking to volunteer or like I did last week and it’s changed my life, I must say. I can’t stop thinking about it and talking about it. This community garden I’ve been going every day is radically changed the quality of my life and it was 0.0 dollars. Going and being in a garden every morning to journal, mean, hello, what a joy. What’s one thing outside of your house that would bring you joy? Going to that community garden, just as an example.

Lily @ Date Brazen (27:42.875)

I’ve already met my neighbors. I’ve already met people and I’ve been in this freaking house and this freaking neighborhood for six years. And it just so happened that I was like, wait, why don’t I go to that garden that I’ve always liked? It could be the simplest thing that you’re not even thinking of. And in that garden or wherever you go, you’re probably going to meet new people. And in those conversations, you can bring up questions. You can get to know them. You can become friends. Those people then introduce you to their friend.

who introduces you to their friend at a birthday party and boom, you’ve met your person. That’s how I met Chris, joy building. went to an improv class. I made a new friend that increased the quality of my life. She introduced me to all of her friends when I moved to New York. They introduced me to Chris, my now husband. Joy building works. It is a strategy that can both work in the short term and long term for your dating life. It’s also a strategy to increase the quality of your existence on this planet. Go do something that brings you joy with some people there that you could meet.

It does not matter if you’re gonna be attracted to them. All you need to do is make a new friend. That’s joy building. Maybe you do one of those joy building activities this week. The second step in in-person dating, co-conspirators, okay? Your friends, if they are good friends, want to help you get what you want in this life. They want to support you. So going to them and saying, hey, I kind of feel like a late bloomer. I’ve had some shame about it. Instant shame reducer, bringing it into the light, bringing it into community.

I’m really nervous. You can even say, I’m really nervous about what you’re going to say because I’m afraid of being judged, but I really want to go start dating. do you think I’ve got the strategy handled, but do you think that we could go to a bar or a restaurant this week and you could help me be my wing person? That’s co-conspiratorship. That’s vulnerability. It’s going to deepen your friendships. That is possible for you. You need to do that.

Episode 204 of the Date Brazen podcast has my complete co-conspirator strategy and it’s also in my book, Thank You More Please. Third and final thing for your in-person dating life, you could start making eye contact with people this week. I dare you to make eye contact with just like one person this week and give a little smile. One of my clients called it a wink and run because she was building up her tolerance for a conversation IRL with a cutie. So she created a ladder of next steps. I’m gonna…

Lily @ Date Brazen (30:03.799)

make eye contact, then I’m gonna make eye contact and smile with somebody, then I’m going to wink and run away, then I’m going to approach somebody and say hello, right? All of these things are how you build an IRL dating life. And you need to do it awkward. It’s going to be awkward, it’s going to be messy. Awkward is the price of admission for connection. Sixth and final step in the start dating framework for late bloomers. You need to celebrate yourself more.

Period. You need to brag more. Because one of the reasons you keep getting stuck as a late bloomer is that you never think what you’re doing is enough. You know what heals that? Self-compassion and self-celebration. Your brain needs to know, hey, we’re doing good. We’re doing a good job. We’re okay. So how do you do that? Celebrate every win, no win is too small. That’s why I literally have a brags channel in all of my programs because

Bragging changes your brain. Bragging allows in more community, allows in more dopamine, and also can be a natural propeller forward. Because you judge yourself for not doing enough, what you need is to drop the shame, be kinder to yourself, and celebrate every win, no win is too small. And you might think, Lily, my wins are so paltry or like tiny, or I don’t even think they exist. They do, you’re just not paying attention.

You’re just not paying attention because you’re used to hustling and grinding and blaming yourself as the way to move forward. And that’s not going to move you forward in your dating life. The way you’ve gotten here is not how you’re going to get where you want to go. And you need to celebrate yourself more. In episode two 11 of the date brazen podcast, I share how to brag more and how it’s going to help your dating life. And that’s a celebration strategy, like owning what you’re proud of. even listening to this episode can be a celebratory thing. You can forward it to your friends, say, I just, maybe they’re dating with you.

Hey, I just listened to this episode. It was really encouraging. I wanna celebrate myself for thinking about dating differently, period, right? Getting out of the negative conversation loop about dating is celebratory. You listening to this episode is celebratory. So forward it to a friend over text and celebrate your dang self, okay? For trying, engaging what you want. Engaging what you want, asking for what you want, learning how to date if you have wanted to find the right partner, but you’ve been feeling like a late bloomer and you didn’t know where to start. Even engaging this topic.

Lily @ Date Brazen (32:30.931)

is an agency builder, a confidence builder. You are building those skills one little baby step at a time and you are moving forward even by ingesting this content. Now all you gotta do is choose one baby step. You could even follow in the six step framework that I shared and take one baby step forward. Be willing to do it awkward, be willing to do it messy. Awkwardness is the price of admission for connection. You’ve got this and I’ve got your back.

I can’t wait to see you next week for our next installment of the Late Bloomer series on how to flirt if you’ve never done it before. It’s going to be a good one. So go out in the world and really like say thank you more, please. That can be an act of self-celebration. Thank you more, please, to listening to this podcast. Thank you more, please, to tiny slivers of evidence that what I want exists. Thank you more, please, to a cute conversation with my barista. Thank you more, please, to doing my essence-based preferences. Thank you more, please, to like fill in the blank.

That is going to help you move forward and help your brain see that there is evidence that what you want exists and that you are moving forward and you are making changes and that what you want might just be possible. Talk to you next week. Thanks for listening to the Date Brazen podcast. If you liked this episode, then you’re going to freaking love my book. Thank you more please. It’s my proven step-by-step feminist guide to breaking dumb dating rules and finding love.

You can buy it anywhere books are sold and then get a juicy bonus at datefrazen.com slash book. The bonus is the dating life fix. My top 10 podcast episodes to get unstuck right now. And be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. You’ve got this and I’ve got your back.