Lily is sharing her complete guide to finding love on a dating app. You’ll hear how dating apps can help expand your social circle, help you get to know your dating personality, your triggers, and how to take care of yourself.

Lily drills down into her fiercest, most direct dating app advice so that you can find more success on a dating app while preserving your mental health and finding joy in the process.

This episode is fire! Take notes and get ready to dive into breaking the dumb dating rules of the dating app advice you’ve heard before that doesn’t work and get a clear path forward.

Episode Hot-takes and topics:

• Dating apps are just one tool in your dating tool kit. 

• Choose the ONE dating app that works for you

• Create a cozy swiping routine and know your swiping tipping point 

• How and why to avoid unnecessary emotional labor 

• Lily’s formula for your dating app profiles – what makes your profile magnetic to people is YOU!

Links:

Pre-order Lily’s upcoming book, Thank You, More Please!
Free Guide to Your Essence-Based Preferences
Episode 89: How the hell to meet someone in-person
Episode 132: Before you swipe, try this meditation

Show transcript:

[00:00:00] Hello, gorgeous friend. Welcome to another episode of the Date Brazen podcast. I am so excited for this episode where I’m going to give you my complete guide to finding love on a dating app. Now, as I hate all dating apps equally. I think that they are all majorly flawed, both, and they can be an excellent resource for you to do two things.

[00:00:22] Expand your social circle and to Really get to know your dating personality, meaning getting to know your likes, your dislikes, your preferences, your triggers, your how to take care of yourself plan. So all of these things are what I’m going to cover in the episode today, but really I’m going to drill down into my fiercest, most direct dating app advice so that you can find more success on a dating app while preserving your mental health and sanity.

[00:00:47] And also finding joy in the process. So this episode is going to be fire. So I want you to take notes, get your notes app out. If you’re on a walk or get a pen and paper out, if that’s your jam and get ready, it’s going to be [00:01:00] so fun to dive into breaking the dumb dating rules of all of the dating app advice you’ve heard before that doesn’t work and giving you this clear path forward to finding more using this really flawed and sometimes powerful resource called a dating app.

[00:01:16] Now if you have been really struggling your dating life to figure out how to find love on your terms, how to build a dating life that feels joyful and that leads to the right kind of dates and the right kind of relationship, and you want a clear path forward with all of the joy and all of the self-trust, then I have something for you.

[00:01:37] My book. Thank you more, please. A feminist guide to breaking dumb dating rules and finding love is out for pre order right now. This proven feminist framework will help you create an epic love life. One that attracts more than you thought possible in my book. Thank you more, please. You will learn how to ditch the self blamey rigid dating advice and [00:02:00] start trusting your gut.

[00:02:01] You will learn how to embrace and celebrate yourself right now and celebrate your singleness. You’re going to learn how to own all your relationship preferences and how to be powerfully picky. You’re going to learn how to date like a feminist to attract the partnership that you crave and more. This book is so funny.

[00:02:18] I must, if I must say it’s a hilarious feminist. No bullshit guide with a joyful, unconventional formula. Thank you more, please. We’ll show you how to ask exactly for what you want and find love exactly as you are, and you can pre order your copy of thank you more, please, with the link in the description of this episode.

[00:02:36] Or you can go to date brazen dot com slash book to order your copy wherever books are sold and you’re going to get our special thank you more please pre order bonuses if you pre order at date brazen dot com slash book so go pre order thank you more please I would be so grateful if you did pre orders mean everything to the success of a book and I am so So excited for you to [00:03:00] get this book in your hands in June, 2024.

[00:03:03] And before then, I can’t wait to change your life. Not only with this podcast, but with our pre order bonus of the thank you more, please club, which again, you can find out more about at date brazen. com slash book. Now with that. Let’s get into this episode.

[00:03:21] Hey, I’m Lily Womble, former top matchmaker and founder of Date Brazen. After setting up hundreds, I realized that with coaching, women could match themselves better than anyone else ever could. With my unconventional feminist approach, I’ve helped women around the world build courageous and self trust filled love lives.

[00:03:36] And now I’m here to support you. Get ready. Cause I’m about to share the exact steps you need to attract a soul quenching partnership and feel amazing about yourself along the way. This is the Date Brazen podcast. For this episode, we are going to use chapter six of thank you more, please the wild west of online dating to really outline how you’re going to find love on a dating app or find more fulfilling, [00:04:00] joyful.

[00:04:00] like experiences, whether or not the dating app is how you meet your person. I think that using a dating app, my pro for using a dating app, is that it is an efficient way to get in the way of aligned opportunity. The difference between you finding your person or your partner this year and not finding your partner this year is how often you get In the way of aligned opportunity looks like putting yourself out there with massive, messy, courageous action.

[00:04:26] It looks like ditching perfectionism and trying, even if you feel nervous to start, it means getting on a dating app with all of the boundaries and all of the plan. that you need to save your mental health in the process and to have more joy in the process that then attracts the right people. So I’m going to teach you how to be in the way of aligned opportunity using a dating app, knowing that, again, repeating myself, I hate them all equally.

[00:04:52] And I know that they can be a powerful resource to meet your person, to expand your social circle, to get to know your dating personality. [00:05:00] So here’s what I suggest. I suggest going in with number one, eyes wide open. So dating apps are mostly all owned by this conglomerate corporate overlord Match Group.

[00:05:13] Match Group owns Tender, Hinge, Plenty of Fish, OkCupid, a lot of the major dating app players. And Bumble is like the one holdout. Bumble is they trade on the New York Stock Exchange. They think they IPO’d a couple of years ago. They’re their own thing. But I don’t think that Bumble is like markedly better than the companies owned by Match Group, but I digress.

[00:05:34] Match Group. Their job, any dating apps job is to make money for their shareholders, which means you need to really take the power back from dating apps in your brain before you ever get on a dating app because so many people download a dating app because they think that it’s going to be the answer to their singleness.

[00:05:51] When Your singleness isn’t necessarily something, it’s not something to be fixed, right? There’s nothing wrong with where you are right now. Both hand, you have a [00:06:00] desire. If you’re listening to this episode, you have a desire for the right relationship. And that’s wonderful. You get to want what you want.

[00:06:07] And that’s why in this episode, I hope, I want to give you all the boundaries and tools that you need to be on a dating app successfully to take the power back from a dating app, because it’s truly just one tool. In your dating toolkit that you’re going to use to pursue your desire is worthy.

[00:06:23] Your desire is you’re like one of my colleagues and friends, Julianna Hauser. I believe she says desire is your birth or she says pleasure is your birthright. And I would go another, in another direction with desire is your birthright. You have desires because you’re human. Your desire for the right relationship doesn’t make you any less feminist.

[00:06:43] It doesn’t make you any less whole right now. So I just needed to issue that caveat that the dating app’s job is to make money, and your job is to pursue your desire. The dating app isn’t going to save you from your singleness. That’s not a thing. The dating app is going to do everything it can to get you to do a paid app upgrade.

[00:06:59] to so that [00:07:00] they can make more money, walk in with eyes wide open instead of what a lot of you do. I hear on the dating streets and in my DMS is that you delete dating apps, you’re in a download delete cycle and you delete them because you’re burnt out. Totally normal. I get it. And then you read, download them because a friend tells you, Oh, I met my partner on a dating app or, Oh, I like just get on a dating app.

[00:07:23] If you want love, like being on a dating app means you’re trying and just put it out there. No. I don’t want you to get on a dating app because you think that it’s the answer to what you want. I want you to be on a dating app. When you feel grounded in approaching this dating app with a strategy.

[00:07:41] And with your intention to find the right relationship front and center. I also want to say, this is an episode, the beginning, full of caveats, Lily, just get to it already. That’s also what’s on my mind. So it’s coming. When you’re on a dating app, it is really important to pursue in person [00:08:00] dating as well.

[00:08:01] So I really want you to go back and listen to episode 89 of the Date Brazen podcast after this one called How the Hell to Meet Somebody in Person to start shoring up your in person dating strategy as well, because it is a both and. In 2023, Pew Research found that 12 to 24 percent of people in a committed relationship met online, which means that the majority of people who are in committed relationships in 2023 met in person.

[00:08:24] In person dating is alive and well, and a dating app is just one tool. Okay, now that I have Edged us for a long time with all of that. Let’s get into my dating app advice. Sometimes I do the mindset at work of let’s figure out what self trust says. In this episode, I’m just going to give you my hottest, most direct advice.

[00:08:44] So take notes, take what you need, leave the rest. This is my hot take working with hundreds and thousands of humans to find love online and also do so with all of the joy and boundaries. One dating app, not five, not three. Don’t have them all on your [00:09:00] phone gathering dust. Just choose one. Lily, how do I choose the one that’s right for me?

[00:09:04] Whichever you hate the least, okay? Whichever feels like you’ve, I like it the best or I hate it the least, period. Whichever user interface you like best, use that dating app. My personal preference for people in the U. S. is Bumble or Hinge. And that is simply because their user interface is better and they have a critical mass of dating app users, generally, in the U.

[00:09:27] S. around the country. Now, if you’re talking about Europe, I would say Tinder is a hotter app. Most people are on Tinder. From my experience and so I think that it’s choose one and know that you can always change your mind. So once you choose the one dating app that works for you, I want you to know these boundaries.

[00:09:44] You’re gonna do 20 minutes a day, no notifications. Let’s start there. 20 minutes a day. What do I mean by that? I mean messaging and swiping. 20 minutes a day. Period. Your brain can’t handle all of the [00:10:00] information that a dating app is serving you, especially if you’re mindlessly swiping. Unintentional effort leads to unintentional results.

[00:10:08] Whereas intentional effort leads to intentional results. So if you’re on a dating app, I want you to be on there 20 minutes max per day, and I want that 20 minutes to be super intentional and cozy. I call it cozy swiping. So when you’re doing your 20 minutes, you’re going to set a timer. You’re going to sit down on your couch.

[00:10:25] You’re going to be intentional about it. You’re going to put a blanket on your lap. You’re going to have your dog or cat on your lap. If that is cozy to you, if you have an animal and then you’re going to like, take a deep breath. I have a podcast called do this meditation before you swipe and it is so good.

[00:10:42] It’s episode one 32 before you swipe, try this meditation. I really recommend that you do that meditation. It’s going to really help you get grounded before you swipe. It’s about envisioning the best case scenario and envisioning the kind of people that will make you come alive and really getting grounded in your own brags before you swipe [00:11:00] will take about five minutes.

[00:11:00] So get grounded, do a cozy swiping session for 20 minutes. If you get activated, I call this your swiping tipping point because what can happen is our brains can get activated sometimes because of past experiences, past trauma. And so it’s important to be onto your own brain. It’s important to notice when you get activated by someone that looks like your ex or literally seeing your ex or seeing somebody that you went on a bad date with on a dating app, like notice when your brain gets activated and be really kind to your brain.

[00:11:30] Be really kind to yourself instead of when you notice yourself getting nervous or frustrated or hopeless, instead of getting down on that, instead of saying shut up, stop being hopeless. We’re going to try this year. We’re going to actually do it this year. Just take a deep breath. Be like, of course I’m struggling right now.

[00:11:46] Dating apps are really activating. Remember Lily said that it was a really difficult place for most everyone to be. And I want to find love and this is really vulnerable. Let me take a deep breath. What do I need right now? It’s an excellent time to use my soft [00:12:00] process. S O F T. Self compassion, right?

[00:12:02] Putting your hand on your heart, taking a deep breath giving yourself like a kind word. Truly, it’s all that it takes to reduce your stress and increase resiliency. Number one, self compassion. Number two, own your needs. What do you need right now? Do you need to put the dating app down? Do you need to close it from your phone?

[00:12:18] Do you just need to put it down for a moment, take a deep breath, and then get back at it for your 20 minutes? Or do you need to go on a walk? Do you need to call a friend? Do you need to listen to another episode of this podcast to get grounded and excited and. And celebrate it again. What do you need?

[00:12:31] Then F, feel your feelings. If you’re feeling shame or frustration or overwhelmed, instead of trying to shut it down, being like, shut up, don’t feel that way anymore. Or that’s Oh God, I can’t believe I don’t want to feel this way anymore. Take a deep breath. Feelings aren’t facts. Feelings are just feelings and their bodily functions like poop.

[00:12:48] You’ve got to feel them to let them pass and flow. So feel your feelings. Then T, thoughts, not facts. Notice the thoughts in your brain that you’re having about dating apps. And notice that they’re not facts. [00:13:00] Okay. For example, if you’ve seen the 15th picture of somebody who has a dead fish in their hand again, and you’re like, Oh my God.

[00:13:09] Every person on this dating app has a dead fish in their hand and there’s nobody out there for me. They all are not my type. That’s a thought that is leading you to probably feel frustration and hopelessness. That feeling is leading you to either over function, try to force correct, try to swipe even more to prove that story wrong.

[00:13:30] Or under function, give up, take your hands off the wheel delete all the dating apps stop trying at all. And then the result is you don’t put your, you maybe don’t put yourself out there or maybe the result is you’re miserable. Okay. That thought is not a fact. The thought, what I want isn’t possible or who I want doesn’t exist, or there are so many people on here with phishing photos and that means that nobody is here for me.

[00:13:54] That’s a thought, not a fact. Notice it. Notice it, the more you can be aware of your own brain and [00:14:00] its own survival coping mechanisms from the past, the more you will be able to rewrite those neural pathways so that it’s not just to have more positive thoughts, which is your thoughts create your reality, I believe, and I know studies have shown and it’s You this is the not just mindset work. This is the mindset work that leads to the practical result happening, which is not the point of this isn’t like how long, how can I make dating apps better in general? It’s like, how can I consistently put myself out there towards my desires? How can I get more of what I want?

[00:14:35] It’s learning how to. Start believing the best case scenario more than you are indulging the worst and and maybe even coming in the middle of those two things, right? A more neutral thought can help you lead to a more positive thought down the line. Don’t try to force your brain to get to the positive it does exist.

[00:14:54] Do a baby step thought. Kara Lowenthal of the Un Fuck Your Brain podcast calls it a ladder thought. [00:15:00] So instead of what I want doesn’t exist or the thought is everyone on this app has a dead fish in their profile. Maybe the thought is. There are a lot of people on this app that are wrong for me, and that’s okay.

[00:15:10] Maybe it’s I’m for the few, not for the many. It might be possible that I haven’t met everyone. It might be possible that I don’t know everything. So instead of indulging the worst case scenario, instead of indulging the thought, What I want doesn’t exist on this dating app because I’ve seen so many people that don’t fit my preferences.

[00:15:27] Notice the thought, thoughts not facts, and choose a baby step reframe, like I just shared examples of just now. That’s a huge sticker that people have sticking point that people have, which is this idea of I’ve seen so many people that aren’t, don’t meet my preferences, or I haven’t gotten a match that meets my preferences.

[00:15:44] And I’m not impressed by that thought. I really, when I hear that, when I hear, I haven’t seen anybody that meets my preferences. I just think number one. Are you watching your brain swiping and are you actually paying attention to the evidence that what you want does exist? Because if your brain is [00:16:00] convinced that what you want doesn’t exist, then it’s in confirmation bias mode, constantly looking for evidence to prove that story right, to be right and safe, because your brain wants to be right and safe over learning something new.

[00:16:12] That’s why my book is called thank you more, please. Cause it’s about notice, giving yourself permission to want what you want and noticing where it exists in the world right now. Yes, even on a dating app. And when you see it saying, thank you more, please out loud, that’s my hot take is that yeah, there are, most people are going to be wrong for you on a dating app.

[00:16:28] And that’s not. A problem. It’s just a matter of fact. When you have more access to more humans, you’re going to see more people that are wrong for you. So the no notifications part, there are so many people who have notifications on and are waiting for that response. Then get back to the person to then hopefully get a get something going.

[00:16:47] The right person for you is also looking for you. And they also will understand that you’re a human being who has a life. So to those people who I’ve heard of folks who, take a few days or a week or two to get back to somebody on a dating [00:17:00] app just because life happens. And then, a client has told me before, Oh, the person I was talking to got back to me after I, I took a week to respond and they said you’re not obviously interested in a relationship because you took a week to respond.

[00:17:12] And to that, I say, bless and release. Dr. Maya Angelou said it perfectly. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. And so they’re showing you that they want urgent responses. Now there’s a difference between consistent communication with somebody that you’re in a new dating situation with once you’ve planned a date and somebody who is just in a new connection on the dating app and you don’t.

[00:17:37] Oh, anybody, anything on that dating app. This gets me into emotional labor. Creating a bespoke message for everyone that you match with is unnecessary emotional labor. Trying to respond to somebody within five minutes or within an hour or within a day, if that feels like too much pressure, is unnecessary emotional labor.

[00:17:55] Now, again, if you’re Getting into seeing somebody for[00:18:00] the first few dates, then yes, consistent communication is important, but don’t pressure yourself to be inhuman or like a robot here. What you want is going to happen without you having to muscle it. What you want is going to happen without you having to muscle it when you show up for a lined opportunity.

[00:18:17] So let’s get into your profile. Here is the formula that I recommend for people’s profile. First, you need to know your essence based preferences. This is your living, breathing documentation of your desires, your love life vocabulary, your, how you describe what you want. In a deeper way than kind, funny, smart.

[00:18:36] This allows you the essence based preferences process allows you to get to know your own desires and what you want so deeply that you can clearly and succinctly describe your preferences to someone and they know how you want to feel in the right relationship. Essence based preferences. We’ll save you from settling.

[00:18:53] They are subtle proofing and they will allow you to be open to being surprised by the right person. And you can download my [00:19:00] free essence based preferences guide, which is complete and totally free at the link in the description of this episode and at date brazen. com. And when you get this guide, it’s really going to help you solidify what you want, how it feels to be in the right relationship, how to ask for what you want more clearly, and you’re going to use that essence based preferences guide to populate your profile with more deep information about you.

[00:19:24] The profile is a really important place for you to be deep as hell. The profile is not a place to talk about how much you love tacos unless that’s a huge part of your life, right? It’s not a place to talk about something surface level. There is room for some froth and fun and wittiness and like silliness.

[00:19:43] Of course, this doesn’t mean you have to be serious, but so many people are trying to be chill in their dating profile and it’s attracting the wrong kind of people. You want your dating profile to be so essentially you that it qualifies the right people and disqualifies the wrong ones. For [00:20:00] example, when I was on a dating app, When I started doing this work for myself, I was my first client, I put information about Gilmore Girls FanFest, like my love of Gilmore Girls and going to Gilmore Girls FanFest twice because I wanted people to know what my joy looked like, that I was intense about my passions and my, my hobbies and my TV.

[00:20:21] And I wanted people to know that. I want, like my client wrote about her experiences at Comic Con. That was very important to her. Another client wrote about her passion for women’s U. S. soccer and their national championship bid and her trip with her family to go see the women’s soccer team from the U.

[00:20:38] S. And it is all so important to know. What is bringing you joy, what you desire from your love life and to bring that into your profile because your joy and your specificity is what will attract the right kind of people to you as opposed to saying things like tell me about the last TV show you binge or tell me about your last travel [00:21:00] adventure.

[00:21:00] I want you to be so much more specific and use that real estate really effectively. Let me give you some examples from my book. Thank you more, please, of really great profile prompts. What makes your profile magnetic to the right people is you. Okay. So my client, she said okay. Women’s soccer is bringing me joy, but that’s boring to talk about in a dating profile.

[00:21:22] And then I asked what do you love about it? And she went on for five minutes and I was like, that’s what you need to put in your profile. So she then transitioned from something more vague. Like I, I love traveling too. I won’t shut up about was the prompt from the profile. And she said the Washington spirit, their championship run, their ownership battle, the awesomeness of women’s soccer and the talent of players looking forward to seeing them in action at Audi field this year with my fam.

[00:21:49] So to the right person, this says that Victoria is passionate. It’s my client. She’s a fan. who invests her time, energy, and money into connecting with her passions. She is close with her [00:22:00] family. They go to games together. She is up on the drama, especially of the ownership battle. She is basically living in an episode of Ted Lasso.

[00:22:07] That is like what she put in her profile that was so much more rich and important than just, I’m going on a trip with my family this year. Or I went to Bali and it was so beautiful. Go so much deeper. Don’t try to be chill. Try to be you. Okay. Here’s another really good prompt and answer from the book that I share from a client experience.

[00:22:26] The way to win me over is by telling me your self care routine, being consistent in your communication, and sharing what sets your heart on fire. So this client, Willa, ended up going through my essence based preferences process. She was my client in the Brazen Breakthrough, so we did this work inside the Brazen Breakthrough.

[00:22:44] And she used her literal essence based preferences. To populate this answer. The way to win me over is self care routine. She wanted somebody who was caring for themselves, deeply consistent in your communication. That was one of her EBPs. [00:23:00] Sharing what sets your heart on fire, that was one of the questions, I call them qualifying, disqualifying questions that she came up with to gauge whether or not somebody was right for her.

[00:23:08] Really go intentionally into your profile, don’t make it fluffy, and then use intentional questions in your messaging process as well. Do an opener like what’s bringing you joy lately instead of asking, like, how was your weekend? Or instead of making a bespoke message for every single person, again, unnecessary emotional labor in terms of pictures, let’s get into my picture rubric.

[00:23:31] So it’s important to let yourself be seen. The right person is looking for you. So my picture rubric, you get six pictures on most dating apps right now. Here’s what I recommend. One to six, one close up, happy smile picture from like middle of your chest up looking at the camera. Direct eye contact is really important to let yourself be seen in the dating app.

[00:23:54] Then one to two joyful burst pictures. Some doing something that brings you joy. You don’t have to have direct eye contact with the [00:24:00] camera on these. One of those needs to include a full body picture. Your full body picture. I want it to be also joyful. Like I don’t love a mirror selfie. Instead, do a friend photo shoot with your best friend.

[00:24:12] Tell them, Hey, will you come out with me? We’re going to do things that bring us joy all day. And will you document the whole day? Bring one or two outfits to do a friend photo shoot. Do one. When the next picture, something that brings you joy. What do you do? All of these are what brings you joy. Are you kidding?

[00:24:28] One picture doing something you enjoy, like maybe it’s eating at your favorite restaurant or reading your favorite book or going on a jog or holding a birthday cake because you love cake so much or going to your favorite ice cream shop. Again, you can do this with your friend photo shoot. If you don’t have pictures like this, if you love travel, then I recommend a travel picture to come after that.

[00:24:47] Unless your travel picture is earlier up, which total, this is a, choose your own adventure. I’m just saying these are the six you want to choose from. And then one to two professional pictures. If I were dating right now, I would include one of me leading a workshop or a conference. [00:25:00] So that’s the picture rubric that I recommend that you use.

[00:25:03] And I would say also you need to do the essence based preferences guide. It’s going to make making your dating profile so much more easeful. So let’s recap. One dating app, not three. 20 minutes a day. No notifications. Do cozy swiping when you’re feeling alive and awake and, pretty good about yourself.

[00:25:22] Do episode 132 before you swipe. Try this meditation. In your profile, be essentially you. Be weird. Be yourself. Don’t pressure yourself to try to be SNL level witty. Don’t try to pressure yourself. Just talk about what you want. Talk about who you are, talk about what you’re looking for. Try to just bring some fuck it energy to your dating profile.

[00:25:42] For messaging open with an intentional question like what’s bringing you joy lately or what’s your hottest opinion, hottest take or who in your family makes you laugh the hardest. Try to be intentional at every single moment of your dating app journey. Know your swiping tipping point. So when you are feeling activated, be [00:26:00] aware of your own brain.

[00:26:00] Use my soft method to be in touch with yourself and then put the phone down when you’re done, right? Practice the belief. I’m for the few, not for the many. I would recommend not to do paid dating app upgrades. I think that they are, it sucks that our dating app puts a lot of the preferences behind a paywall.

[00:26:16] Both hand, you need to be asking direct questions anyway, which I think will save you money in a paid app. I’ve only done one upgrade since, because my clients who do paid app upgrades don’t necessarily find better matches or messages. Instead, be intentional. Ask direct questions about what you’re looking for.

[00:26:33] There you have it. With this method, you are going to find fewer matches that are higher quality for you and know that a dating app is just one tool. And sometimes it can take some time to find the right people for you. So it’s just one tool. And to supplement that tool, I really want you to do the in person dating process found in episode 89 of the Date Brazen podcast.

[00:26:54] I’m excited to hear your thoughts on this episode. You’ve got this and I’ve got your [00:27:00] back. Talk to you next week. Bye. Huh.