193. Owning your preferences is a feminist act
In this episode, we dive deep into the empowering world of Essence-Based Preferences (EBPs). EBPs aren't just preferences but a revolutionary act of self-ownership and empowerment. It's all about embracing what you want without any apologies or self-judgment.
This episode is about defining your desires and creating a bold action plan that aligns with your deepest desires. Join us as we revolutionize the dating game and empower ourselves to attract nothing but the best. Let's do this! 🔥
You’ll learn:
Let's get one thing straight - it's your absolute right to choose who you want to be with
Owning your EBPs is a feminist act. It's about flipping the script and putting yourself at the center of your dating universe. Bye-bye, antiquated norms!
EBPs are the answer to attracting the best partner in your life
Under vs. Over-Functioning Preferences: It's all about finding that sweet spot. Too little? You're selling yourself short. Too much? You're losing sight of your true desires.
Links:
Lily’s book, Thank You More Please, is available for preorder right now and you can grab it and the preorder bonuses with this link!
Show transcript:
Lily: [00:00:00] Hello, gorgeous friends. Welcome to another episode of the date brazen podcast. Before we get into it, I just want to ask you for a favor. If you like this podcast or you love this podcast, it would mean so much to me. If you left a review on Apple podcasts or Spotify, and if you're not following Following the show already, if you're not subscribed, click that follow button because every single week my intention and hopefully the impact that you feel is that you have support in your dating life to attract the right partner as a feminist badass.
[00:00:38] And, uh, so it would mean so much to me if you rated the podcast, five star review would be amazing. And if you would give me a follow as well, so that this podcast can reach even more people and impact even more people whose dating lives currently feel like a soul suck. Whereas this podcast, my job is to literally help you build a dating [00:01:00] life that feels like an act of self care.
[00:01:02] So you doing that means the world. I love reading those reviews and keep them coming. They mean so much. So today's episode is going to be very special because I'm going to read, literally read to you a couple passages from my Upcoming book, Thank You, More Please, A Feminist Guide to Breaking Dumb Dating Rules and Finding Love.
[00:01:23] And if you haven't heard about this book, I have written it over the past three years and it is, I think it's really good. Like I've reread it 15 times and it's being traditionally published. It's coming out June 11th, 2024. And the more I reread it, the more new people read it who don't know me. And I hear.
[00:01:44] I hear the same feedback over and over like this is really actionable. This is a handbook for my dating life. This is something I keep hearing like this is something that I'm going to turn back to again and again and again as a [00:02:00] handbook to attracting the best relationship and being in the best relationship.
[00:02:03] And if you're my client, if you are, if we've never worked together officially, you are going to love this book. I'm going to be talking about this book as your go to resource for the most joyful as fuck dating life possible. And it's on pre order right now. And before I get into the book itself, um, I just want to say like shout out to all the authors.
[00:02:22] Um, myself included, because. The preordering process. I don't know if you know how much preordering means to a book success, but it means everything. And so when you see, you know, shout out to my fellow authors who are coming out with books about the same time. I'm talking about Carl Lowenthal, who is coming on the podcast soon.
[00:02:44] You're going to hear her episode in May. Boehner Jackson, who has a A book coming out in May also called fighting for our friendships, which is so good. And she was on the podcast a few months back. Kara's book [00:03:00] is take back your brain. Both of these books are great. But what I am just saying is shout out to all the authors who are talking about their book because the pre order process.
[00:03:09] is so important to a book's success, but I don't think that people who aren't in the book world know that. Like, I didn't know that before I wrote a book. And so when you see authors that you, people that you love who've written a book talking about pre orders, just know that they mean everything to a book's success and you pre ordering means literally the world to us.
[00:03:30] So I, I hope you pre order, uh, my friend Danielle. Danielle Boehner Jackson's book, um, The Friendship Educator on TikTok. I hope you pre order Carl Lowenthal's book, Take Back Your Brain. Both are excellent. And I hope you pre order Thank You, More Please. You can pre order anywhere you get your books. And hardcover is what's coming.
[00:03:50] It's going to be so pretty. This book is so beautiful. The cover is so pretty. And it's going to be a beautiful mainstay on your shelf. But I think also you're going to be taking it off of the all the [00:04:00] time. Even if you like, meet your person and start a new relationship. This book is going to be so helpful for making sure you're in the right relationship and you're not settling at any point in your love life process.
[00:04:12] If you pre order the book, then you get our juiciest pre order bonuses, which are the Thank You More Please Club, Which is monthly group coaching sessions. And those recordings of sessions last night, I led the co conspirator session for the club members. You just have to order one book, which is 29. You enter your receipt into date brazen.
[00:04:32] com slash book, and you get. the club immediately and all the coaching recordings and dating workbooks that usually are only for my clients. And you get a podcast listening guide where I've identified the 10 top issues that you probably are facing in your dating life and tell you exactly which podcast episodes to listen to, to triage support for yourself.
[00:04:53] And to like literally solve your dating issue in 30 minutes or less with those episodes. So [00:05:00] the the preorder bonuses are so fun and good. You can again go to datebrazen. com slash book to preorder and then enter your receipt and then get access to the club. What are we here to talk about? We're here to talk about how to attract the best relationship of your life.
[00:05:15] Duh. Uh, and I've been thinking about my clients who have found a relationship, a partner within the last two years specifically. And I've been really honing in on like, what unifies them? Like what skills did they really hone in on and, uh, figure out for themselves and, and really like, Own and step into which skills did they master to then attract the best relationship of their life with ease and with joy.
[00:05:45] And I identified three top skills. Number one, essence based preferences, which if you've listened to this podcast for any amount of time, you've heard me talk about it. Number two, blessing and releasing. Okay. Really important to let people go who are not right for you because [00:06:00] holding on to the wrong people is keeping you fucking stuck, whether it's thinking about your ex or, uh, the situationship that you're holding on to right now for your life, you need to learn the skill of blessing and releasing so that your dating time is more available to the right people for you instead of your time being sucked up by the wrong people for you.
[00:06:19] And then the third skill is creating a strategy. A massive, messy, courageous action plan for your dating life, both in person, which I think is, it's got to be the chief part of your strategy and unbothered online. You got to create a plan that works for you and your body and works for the rest of the Like works for you because so often dating advice is about, here's how to do the thing.
[00:06:42] And if you don't do it my way, then it's not going to work out. And you need to play by these rules and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I do not believe that you need to play by somebody else's rules to find love. I want to give you the tools to create a plan that feels great to you, that is boundary as hell, that is joyful, [00:07:00] that is direct and honest with what you want.
[00:07:03] And I want you to figure out. What works for you? How am I going to get epic shit done? How can I get myself out of my comfort zone and care for my nervous system in the process to get more of what I want? So those are the three top skills that my clients who have found relationships specifically in the last two years have really owned and learned to use.
[00:07:23] Fully and embody for themselves to find love. And if you're interested in those three skills today, we're just going to hone in on essence based preferences. And I'm going to read from the EBP chapter of the book to unpack this a little more for us. And if you're interested in those other two skills and you're interested in what it's like to work with me as your dating coach outside of this book, outside of this podcast, then I have a live free training coming up on May 7th, 2024 called three steps to attract the right partner with a joyful as fuck dating life.
[00:07:56] It's for feminist humans who want to prioritize finding the [00:08:00] right relationship with a joyful as fuck dating life on along the way. In the training, I'm going to teach you these three steps. I'm going to unpack what each of them mean, what they look like in practice, and you're going to get a special invitation to join us inside of the Brazen Breakthrough, which I'm so pumped is opening back up in May on the day of that webinar.
[00:08:20] So if you register for this training on May 7th. For my seventh, you can register right now with the link in the description of this episode. You're not only going to get a behind the scenes look at like those three steps and what I recommend, you're going to get an invitation to join us in the brazen breakthrough.
[00:08:35] There's a bonus that you get if you register for the training. So get your butt to the training. RSVP, and you can learn what it's like to work with me as well. And with that, let's get into the episode.
[00:08:52] Hey, I'm Lily Wanville, former Top Matchmaker and founder of Date Brazen. After setting up hundreds, I realized that with coaching, women could match [00:09:00] themselves better than anyone else ever could. With my unconventional feminist approach, I've helped women around the world build courageous and self trust filled love lives, and now I'm here to support you.
[00:09:10] Get ready. Cause I'm about to show the exact steps you need to attract a soul quenching partnership and feel amazing about yourself along the way. This is the date brazen podcast. So let's get into the first of those three steps. Essence based preferences. I'm going to read from, there's a whole chapter in the book called, it's chapter four, want more than the bare minimum, AKA someone with a job who is nice.
[00:09:34] So basically the first page is just like saying, you've got to get more picky. You deserve to be more picky. Choosing who you want is your literal right. Now I'm going to pick up on page 64. This is page 64 of my book. Oh, I'm so excited for you to read it. You might have been told or taught that your preferences were the problem.
[00:09:53] Oh, by the way, you can also pre order the audiobook, which I narrated, um, a few weeks ago. Y'all, it was such [00:10:00] a, it was such a process. I walked in thinking this is totally an aside because you're in my podcast community. I want to open up all the details. I thought, Oh my God. I sit in front of a microphone all the time.
[00:10:10] I don't, I don't know if I've told y'all, but my mom is a professional voiceover actress and she had me in the voiceover booth at age four. So being in front of a microphone feels very comfortable for me. And I thought the audio book was going to be such a breeze coming home. I wrote about it on Instagram, like it's going to be a coming home.
[00:10:30] Um, and I got in that booth and I, it was 10am to 4pm. Three days in a row of just talking and I have sometimes I really had the thought I'm going to be trapped in this sentence with a gurgling stomach for the rest of my life. And I know that my director Tiffany was so great. She was this amazing human who totally loved the book and got it.
[00:10:55] And she really helped me perform the hell out of this book. In a way that I [00:11:00] think you're going to feel is very akin to listening to these episodes. Um, so you can also get the audio book on pre order as well right now. Okay. I digress. You might've been told or taught that your preferences were that quote problem.
[00:11:13] You might believe that all relationships require work. So you might as well settle down with someone who is just good enough. Did you watch the Oscars in 2013? If not, let me catch you up. Jennifer Garner was there with her then husband, Ben Affleck. Ben won an Oscar for his film Argo. And at the very end of his acceptance speech, he turned to Jennifer and in a very sweaty, excited, panicked voice said, I want to thank my wife for working on our marriage for 10 Christmases, it's work, but it's the best kind of work and there's no one I'd rather work with.
[00:11:45] They divorced a few years later. As an adult child of divorce, I know that divorce can be a great thing. It can be a powerful force of agency, especially for women who, until pretty recently, were severely limited in their ability to [00:12:00] make that decision for themselves. But this moment, on live, internationally broadcast television, sent a knowing chill down my spine.
[00:12:07] Maybe I'm just projecting, but to me the vibe was, the only thing I can say about my relationship is that it's hard. What I saw from Gin G and Ben Affleck. My parents are Jewish marriage and women dying on the vine and long term romantic relationships all around me was that all relationships are this hard.
[00:12:25] I thought I might as well settle down with someone who's just okay and do the hard work for the rest of my life. This kind of thinking is what led me directly to settling for that toxic relationship with Dylan. A few years later, that's what I'm Naming my toxic ex, one of my toxic exes in this book, this settle for good enough message was reinforced by my friends and family who said things like, Oh, well, everyone's human.
[00:12:50] Maybe you just need the need to give them another chance. The answer to attracting the right partner isn't a vague, under functioning, open minded list. It [00:13:00] also isn't a rigid, over functioning snapshot of the exact height, graduating GPA or hair length of your future partner. The answer to attracting the right person is defining your essence based preferences, or EBPs.
[00:13:15] EBPs are the living, breathing documentation of your desires that epitomize what would make you come alive across the table, on a date, and in the right relationship. This is your love life vocabulary, and when you define it, This level of clarity will help you find the right person with more ease.
[00:13:33] Without EBPs, most daters are swimming in indecision and self doubt and giving the wrong people way too many chances. EBPs create a clear vision of how it feels to be with the right person for you, like a beautiful impressionist painting. There's this gorgeous impressionist painting by Renoir called Luncheon of the Boating Party.
[00:13:54] The painting features a bunch of women and men eating a woman about to kiss her dog on the mouth. Yuck. [00:14:00] And a bunch of flirting and laughing. This isn't a Polaroid picture. It's not a rigid snapshot, but this impressionist painting gives you the feeling of being there with your EBPs. You'll capture the feeling of being in the right relationship.
[00:14:14] On the right date, you'll know how your future partner shows up in the world, what brings them joy and how it feels to be in their presence. Once you know your EBPs, you'll use them as your standard. They will make blessing and releasing the wrong people easier and identifying the right people.
[00:14:30] Infinitely clearer. Using your EBPs consistently will change everything in your love life for good. Owning what you want with your EBPs is also a feminist act. It's a big fuck you to the systems and people who would rather you shrink, be more pleasing and convenient so as not to disrupt the status quo.
[00:14:51] In this way, you are revolutionizing your dating life to center yourself instead of centering the wants of a [00:15:00] future partner. I've seen that EBPs are the answer to attracting the best relationship of your life. In the process, you'll be attracting the right courageous opportunities, soul quenching friendships, and bold ass boundaries.
[00:15:14] So basically then I go into how I created my own EBPs and how I thought that my checklist was going to get me into the right relationship because I was being like clear, right? But really I was, I was So fearful that I was too much that I was oscillating between this like rigid checklist and open minded pile of mush.
[00:15:36] And then when I met my ex, who seemed great on paper, I was like, Oh, he meets some of my Checklist preferences, and he's, he's really cool and he's, you know, he's nice and, and, and he has a great education, right? All these things. And so I thought, OMG, this is perfect. And picking up on page 67, after this relationship proved to [00:16:00] be a soul sucking mess.
[00:16:01] I was left with thoughts like, do I just have a bad picker? Can I even trust myself and what I want? Are my preferences too much or not enough? Is what I want even possible? I now know that swinging between being really vague and really rigid in my preferences was a trauma response. This is what I call preferences under functioning and over functioning.
[00:16:24] Under functioning versus over functioning is a distinction made by psychologist Murray Bowen and popularized by Harriet Lerner, in her book, The Dance of Anger. It describes these two states of being as normal human responses to anxiety and past trauma. Either we over function by leaning forward, muscling, and trying to control and fix, i.
[00:16:46] e. taking on super rigid preferences, or we over function. underfunction by leaning back or not making decisions at all, i. e. having super open minded preferences. This pattern of under functioning and over [00:17:00] functioning is like the classic pattern of an older child manically planning and micromanaging your mom's 60th birthday party and the youngest child literally just showing up.
[00:17:10] Preferences under functioning means you are defaulting to the, you never know, give them a try camp. Underneath the surface, you're afraid that what you want is too much. Or that it doesn't truly exist under functioning can sound like I just want somebody nice who has a job. I'm not really picky. I just want someone who can have a good conversation.
[00:17:30] If you're thinking, well, Lily, I want to be open to being surprised. That's like saying I want a job and I'll do anything so long as they pay me. You might land a dream job randomly. Or, more than likely, you'll end up at a job with a shitty boss, stale break room pastries, no perks, and a mediocre paycheck every two weeks.
[00:17:49] What's beneath these open minded statements is that you're not giving yourself permission to actually want and have what you want. This negates your agency. You have to actually claim what you [00:18:00] want in detail if you want to find the right person. Speaking of claiming every preference in detail, preferences over functioning Looks like using super rigid preferences in an attempt to minimize the risk of being with the wrong person, wasting your time or being disappointed.
[00:18:18] This could sound like, Oh, they don't have a graduate degree, not the right fit, or they seem to spend all their time with their family. Would they had time for me? Or, they don't seem to value travel as much as I do. Pass. Preferences overfunctioning comes with an energy of self protection, being guarded, and being quick to judge, and for good reason.
[00:18:39] You've been hurt before and or witnessed someone you love get hurt. You haven't found what you want, so the response has been to get very specific. Trudy, a client from my matchmaking days, was the picture of overfunctioning in her preferences. Her checklist was as follows. Must be six feet tall. Or taller, but not over six [00:19:00] foot four.
[00:19:00] Went to a top 10 us university, if not an Ivy works out at least five days per week with cardio and rigorous weight training cooks like Stanley Tucci, but not obsessive about it. Must read at least five 100 plus page books at least per quarter. I could feel beneath the surface of her preferences was a pulsing fear.
[00:19:20] She had experienced so much disappointment in her dating life that she didn't feel emotionally safe. She was looking around every corner for every single red flag, and she didn't trust herself to never settle again. So she over corrected by micromanaging her preferences to hopefully avoid future disappointment.
[00:19:39] So that's like. The two extremes right over functioning versus under functioning and essence based preferences literally help you come into the middle of owning what you want with clarity and helping you to like be open to being surprised by the right person because you know how you want to feel in the right relationship.
[00:19:58] So, in this chapter, and in [00:20:00] this podcast, obviously, there's so many episodes on essence based preferences, but I really wanted to hone in on sharing a bit of this chapter to really reiterate like, essence based preferences are a feminist act. It is owning what you want without apology, without judging yourself, and I really want you to challenge yourself today.
[00:20:19] To start your essence based preferences and you can do that by like right now, I'm going to put a downloadable PDF guide called creating your essence based preferences in the show notes and in the description of this episode. So you can download the guide and start doing your essence based preferences today.
[00:20:39] It's a way to kickstart this process and it's a comprehensive guide. It's very similar to what my brace and breakthrough clients get. So you get a taste of what kind of workbooks are inside and the book. is amazing and is going to help you create your EBPs as well. And I want you to preorder it, but it also comes out in June.
[00:20:57] So I want you to start like the essence based preference [00:21:00] process now, um, so that you are set up for the juiciest dating summer of your freaking life. So go to the description of this episode to download that essence based preferences guide, and you'll be able to join our email list as well through downloading that guide.
[00:21:15] You can unsubscribe at any time. And I also want to encourage you, um, if you loved this chapter and you want more, like, coaching on essence based preferences, you can sign up for the live training on May 7th, Three Steps to Attract the Right Partner with a Joyful as Fuck Dating Life for Feminist Humans.
[00:21:36] So you'll learn more about working with me there. You can pre order the book and join the Thank You, More Please Club and get resources from there. There's just, I'm. Offering all of the poopoo platter of resources for you to get your needs met in your dating life. So you can start attracting the right partnership on your terms right fucking now because you deserve a clear path forward.
[00:21:58] Your dating life, [00:22:00] you are not broken. Because your singleness is not something to be fixed and your desires matter to your wellbeing. So this is go time. This is go time for you and your love life and your desires. It's time to stop taking your desire off the back. It's time to stop putting your desire on the back burner.
[00:22:17] It's time to take it on the front burner, baby. It doesn't mean that you have to make dating your whole life. It doesn't mean you have to obsess about dating all the time. It doesn't mean you have to make it your part time job. This is just an invitation to take. Action for yourself to stop to get off the apathy train to get off the over functioning, under functioning train to finally step into owning what you want, asking for it out loud, blessing and releasing the wrong people without mind drama and to create a courageous, massive, messy action plan that fits your brain and your desires.
[00:22:51] I can't wait to continue coaching your face off. I can't wait to continue sharing more about this book and Essence Based Preferences. You have so many [00:23:00] resources below in the description of this episode to start this journey of Essence Based Preferences, and I can't wait to talk to you more about all of this.
[00:23:11] Let's go. It's go time, baby. You've got this and I've got your back. Bye.