194. From attracting emotionally unavailable men to attracting the most proactive, loving partner with client Mishi
Is it possible to attract proactive, loving partners? Yes! Mishi joins Lily to share her story of how she went from attracting completely emotionally unavailable men to attracting the most proactive partner. They dive into Mishi’s journey - it's total empowerment vibes! From dealing with consecutive breakups to finding self-trust with the help of personal reflection and the Brazen Breakthrough program, Mishi's story is a roadmap to living your best life. They get into the nitty-gritty of self-growth and that ah-mazing moment when you start trusting your gut to attract the kind of connections you desire.
We get into:
How Mishi learned to rediscover herself after enduring two challenging breakups
The most significant difference in Mishi’s dating life today
The act of listening to your intuition and embracing self-trust
Some of the Brazen Breakthrough strategies that Mishi found helpful, including Bless-Release and the Dating Feedback System
What it’s like to be in a proactive and loving relationship
Links:
Lily’s book, Thank You More Please, is available for preorder right now and you can grab it and the preorder bonuses with this link!
Show transcript:
[00:00:00] Lily: Hey, I'm Lily Womble, former top matchmaker and founder of Date Brazen. After setting up hundreds, I realized that with coaching, women could match themselves better than anyone else ever could. With my unconventional feminist approach, I've helped women around the world build courageous and self trust filled love lives.
[00:00:20] And now, I'm here to support you. Get ready, because I'm about to show you the exact steps you need to attract a soul quenching partnership. And feel amazing about yourself along the way. This is the date brazen podcast. Hello, gorgeous friends. Welcome to another episode of the date brazen podcast. I'm so glad that you're here.
[00:00:38] And I'm so glad that my incredible client Mishi is here with us today. We're going to get into Mishi's journey in the brazen breakthrough. Her story is incredible. I can't wait to share it with all of you. So Hey, Mishi, welcome. Hello. Thank you for having me. A hundred percent. How are you feeling about this?[00:01:00]
[00:01:00] Mishi: Nervous and excited.
[00:01:01] Lily: Yep. Good both and. Love it.
[00:01:03] Mishi: Yeah.
[00:01:04] Lily: Thank you for being willing. I know that we've been working together for a while. Has it been like a year ish?
[00:01:10] Mishi: Almost a year. I think I joined the Brazen Breakthrough in early April of last year. Okay. Got it. So I think I
[00:01:17] Lily: have like a mantra. Okay. So tell the people what they need to know about you.
[00:01:21] Like outside of the Raisin Breakthrough, what do you think is important for people to know?
[00:01:26] Mishi: Who is Mishi? I am 36 years old and my favorite place in the world is my studio apartment in New York City. I am an entrepreneur. I run a test prep tutoring business where I prepare high school students for their college entrance exams.
[00:01:43] And, uh, over the last few years, I've been sort of on this journey to figure out what it means to live my life in a way that feels really aligned with my values. Um, that journey's mostly turned out to just be about prioritizing joy and ease and learning how to better trust myself. [00:02:00] So it seems that the TikTok algorithm knew that your outlook would really resonate with me.
[00:02:05] And I guess now here we
[00:02:08] Lily: are. I love that answer. So Mishi, we come together today. We're gathered here together today because you joined the Brazen Breakthrough April last year. You have been a client who like shows up and a human who shows up. We're in. The mastermind together as well. You join main character energy mastermind after joining brazen breakthrough.
[00:02:33] So I just want to start with like touching down on me. She before we met maybe a year and a half ago or two years ago. Like, what was your love life like at that time or your dating life? How did you feel in it?
[00:02:46] Mishi: The short version is I had sort of gone through two big breakups in a row. One sort of completely unexpected, blindsided, someone I'd been with for um, a few years and I thought we were sort of gonna [00:03:00] take the next steps together and instead they decided that this wasn't for them.
[00:03:05] And so that was when I started tapping and I was doing therapy and I I'm like the kind of person where I want to throw everything at the problem. And I sort of intellectually understood this is not linear. This is going to take time, but I still was like, well, if it's going to take time, I might as well try to speed it up if I can.
[00:03:25] And so at that time, I was sort of like on the apps just, you know, for the attention, the validation, but sort of, you know, still doing some healing work. And after about three months, I met someone else. And we started dating for a little under a year and my current self can look back on that and say that that was not a good fit from the beginning, but again, it's sort of like it felt nice to have somebody who is interested in me and who kind of checked off a lot of my sort of demographic preferences or checklist preferences.
[00:03:56] I think you've rebranded the checklist preferences. To [00:04:00] something else. I don't, I don't know what you're calling them these days, but again, it was sort of like, yeah, it felt good to sort of have that attention validation.
[00:04:08] Lily: It was like a good on paper person. Is that what it felt like?
[00:04:11] Mishi: Yeah. Good on paper person.
[00:04:12] And like first few months were sort of like whirlwind, this kind of, it felt nice to kind of be in that situation. And so about five, six months into that, I sustained an injury where I couldn't walk and. To his credit, he was very helpful in sort of taking care of me in that way. But when we ended up breaking up a few months later, it was sort of, I don't want to say I was like at rock bottom, but it felt like, okay, I've got this physical injury.
[00:04:39] I'm here in the same place I was a year ago. Like, you know, my joke is that getting dumped twice in a year sucked, but now I have a lot of data because I was sort of able to like do a lot of reflecting and see what those patterns were because the only other relationship I'd been in was in my early twenties.
[00:04:58] And so just sort of having [00:05:00] two relationships in a row gave me a lot more to work with and find patterns and things like that. And so I just sort of like, again, I was sort of on the apps again and just kind of realized that I was not really interested in meeting anyone and that I was doing it for attention and the dopamine and at some point in that time, I sort of came across your content.
[00:05:25] I started listening to your podcast. And it just sort of was like, okay, this is, you talked about the dating app detox. And I was like, I'm going to do, I'm going to do this. I'm going to take a break, called it like my wintering period. So it was literally winter. I was, my mom lives in Florida. I went to like, stay with her.
[00:05:44] It ended up being like six weeks. So I just sort of was like, I wasn't working a lot at that time. And so I sort of. consider that my wintering period where I was just like, focusing on myself, not putting pressure on myself to get to this healed [00:06:00] place or like be ready to date and just sort of focus on myself and feel like my goal at the time was actually reclaiming my joy.
[00:06:09] And so I was joking with my therapist. I had started working with, to be fair, like, yes, I was wintering, but I was also doing. Throwing things at the wall to see what would stick like I did the time before, but I was finding things that were working better. So, for example, I started with a new therapist and she does this modality called accelerated resolution therapy.
[00:06:29] And that was really, really life changing for me, so that was really helpful. And there's a lot of like, visualization with that. And so some of the visualization we would do is sort of like, you know, you kind of do these eye movements and you visualize something. And for me, I kept, like, I was visualizing my life as, like, a cool girl TikTok montage.
[00:06:49] And so I just kept joking them, like, I want my life to be, you know, like, I see myself doing all these things. And so when I was at home, I have a half brother and sister who are [00:07:00] teenagers. I was talking to my little brother about it. And I was like, you know, I feel like I'm living this TikTok cool girl montage, but I just, I'm not the kind of person to like set up a tripod and like film myself.
[00:07:10] And so my little brother was great. It was like, every time there was like a moment of joy, he'd be like, this would be really good for your montage. And he'd grab my phone and like film me. And so at the end of like that time, I sort of like finally social media is not. Intuitive for me, but I was like, I want to do this as sort of like culmination of this wintering period, really feeling I was coming back to myself.
[00:07:33] I was like wondering if I was going to mention this, but my little brother, he's like, well, I've known him his whole life. You know, he's always had a huge heart high EQ. He said to me once during, I think it was the first breakup. He said, I just want my sister back who had some joy inside of her. Wow. And that just was like, it broke my heart to hear that from like a 12 year old at the time.
[00:07:57] And then also because I really do feel like [00:08:00] I am a person. With a lot of joy and that is the kind of life I want to live, you know, like cultivating a life of joy and ease and pleasure is sort of what I'm going for. And so that was sort of like reclaiming my joy, finding that part of myself, that essential part of myself again.
[00:08:20] Was very important to me. And it felt like a really big milestones. I feel like I have come back to myself in that time. I had started listening to your podcast. I even started like doing some of your exercises because I started episode one and then I started going through. And then I was sort of like, I think I saw that you were opening the program and I was kind of on the fence, but I know myself, I know that like, I do better with sort of extrinsic motivation.
[00:08:47] If there's a workbook to do, I'll do the workbook, things like that. So I think when I signed up, I didn't even realize that there was coaching. I didn't even realize that there was like, you did. Okay. I didn't know this. Yeah, I didn't know there was coaching or if I [00:09:00] did it didn't really like click for me.
[00:09:01] I didn't know that there was like a community for me. It was really about like, I want to do the work. I want to do Lily's program because I had done the dating app detox. I'd done the kind of past relationship. Reflection. Yeah. How do I want to feel based on these preferences? And so that felt very aligned.
[00:09:20] And so then I had from the work I had done on my own through like listening to your podcast and watching some of your tick tocks felt like confident. I'm ready to get back out there. I came back to New York was being much more intentional with my time on dating apps and things like that. And then I got back out there and I was like, maybe I need a little more support.
[00:09:42] Maybe I need to do this work.
[00:09:43] Lily: Yeah. So this is before joining Brazen Breakthrough officially. You like DIY'd what you could, which is awesome. And I want to know what was the point at which you were like, whoa, okay. I was feeling confident. I was feeling detoxed. I was feeling good. What was [00:10:00] the feeling that you got when you were like, whoa, this is tough.
[00:10:04] Mishi: So I had gone on a, a date that was sort of like, it wasn't bad, but it was just like, meh. I kept talking about how, like, I want somebody who, the phrase I kept using is like, ease, but without complacency. So other people call it like a work life balance, right? One of my patterns is like, Dating workaholics.
[00:10:24] And so then I would like go on a date with someone who like hated their job. And then I was like, that's a turnoff too. Right. I kind of felt like I need to dig a little bit deeper. Like, yeah, I'm on the right path, but. I could use a little more, uh, structure, I think, with the work. So, to be fair, it was like, mandate.
[00:10:46] Then I got the email that was like, Brazen Breakthrough closes tomorrow. And I was like, I gotta get on it. I can't, I gotta do it. It just was calling me. How did that feel in your body? Do you remember? So I will tell you what I do. I do remember [00:11:00] that the second I joined, you get the onboarding materials.
[00:11:03] And I looked at the intro PDF and you said in the first page, this is an unhurried unfolding. And I had chosen the word unfold as my word of the year a few months before. And I just thought in my body that felt like I'm in the right place. I've made the right choice because I think sometimes I will make those kinds of decisions a little impulsively, like things like that, where I think the purchase now clicking that button was a little bit out of Fear and scarcity of like, Oh my gosh, it's closing tonight.
[00:11:34] I'm going to miss that opportunity. And then when I opened the PDF, I saw unhurried unfolding and I was like, okay, yes, this is, I'm in the right place. This is the place that I want to be right now. And I think I watched. The whole, like, caring for your nervous system module that night, and that felt very aligned for me because all of this work that I've done in therapy and, you know, the work that I did the last [00:12:00] year before that, I had sort of discovered that framework of listening to my body and, you know, having a, you know, a regulated nervous system versus a dysregulated nervous system.
[00:12:12] So just sort of the more I dug into the work, the more it felt aligned with my view of the world and also aligned with the work that I had been doing up until that point. And so it just felt very much like at ease in the right place. It's time to do the work. Excited to do the work.
[00:12:33] Lily: I'm curious about, cause I've been getting a lot of that question of like, could I just DIY?
[00:12:37] Do I need to join the Brazen Breakthrough? Could I just DIY it from the podcast? Cause I do share a lot of great powerful lessons on the podcast. Like you can change your life with just the podcast. I'm curious for you what felt like the biggest difference in results that you got from the In your love life from DIY to being really supported [00:13:00] with the live group coaching and the daily slack and the course support.
[00:13:04] Yeah.
[00:13:04] Mishi: So I think like, because I had done a lot of the work ahead of time, I think it sort of made it a little bit more streamlined, like going through the workbooks. I also, yeah, I joined in the beginning of April. And then I had this big trip around the world in June. And so I had made the commitment to myself that I was going to do all of the modules and all of the work before I left.
[00:13:27] That worked for me in the sense that I sort of like front loaded all of the coursework.
[00:13:32] Lily: Yeah.
[00:13:32] Mishi: And then I had time to like live it and marinate and integrate it. Yeah, exactly. And so I think sort of Having done, cause I know like from sharing with people in the slack and the community, a lot of people have done it very differently.
[00:13:47] They'll sort of like engage more in the coaching calls and the slack and then be like, Oh, my time's almost up and I haven't done any of the modules or, you know, maybe doing it a little bit more over time. So I think that's one thing
[00:13:59] Lily: you always say, take [00:14:00] what you need and leave the rest. Right. So choose your own adventure in the way that you approach it.
[00:14:04] Yeah.
[00:14:04] Mishi: DIYing it. Like, I think it's possible for somebody who has. a little bit of a different brain than me, maybe, but it was like, it only got me so far. And so having sort of, I think what's useful, I mean, hearing your voice every week, very grounding, very calming. I think maybe like the part of the community aspect that I think for Brazen Breakthrough that I think has been most useful.
[00:14:30] And I will say like, even though I went through all the coursework like a year ago, read every single Slack message. I still go on the Slack every day and I read every single message and I read every single coaching. And so I think just sort of hearing a similar message, but in a bunch of different ways, in a bunch of different scenarios has been helpful to, like you said, integrate the lessons.
[00:14:54] into my everyday life.
[00:14:56] Lily: Yeah. What lesson in particular do you think has been most [00:15:00] impactful?
[00:15:00] Mishi: Definitely, without a doubt, it is the self trust piece. And I think that was another thing that it took me a while to realize the connection. But before I joined, one of the things I'd been working on was this idea of listening to my intuition, that my intuition has never been wrong.
[00:15:17] And I'm really good at talking myself out of it. And that is partially like another, like listening to my body thing. And I think you call it self trust. And so I think that's definitely something that today I trust myself and I find myself in those places where I'm just like, I didn't have to consult the group thread.
[00:15:40] Right. I made a joke once cause my, I have like a group thread with my sisters and my mom. This is kind of a tangent. Tell me, I love a tangent. Uh, I saw a psychic like a year and a half ago.
[00:15:52] Lily: Yes, as you do.
[00:15:54] Mishi: She said something to me about one of my sisters is having fertility treatments and [00:16:00] she's like not telling anyone about it.
[00:16:02] And I was like, these people don't send an email without consulting the group thread. There's no way that somebody in, you know, one of my sisters is like doing a, had a surgery and didn't tell us about it. And so I think that's something that I have been finding myself like, Oh, if it's a work email or it's like a.
[00:16:20] I got this text from a man or whatever it is where it's like in the past, it would be like, what do you think about what I should say? How should I word it? And then it was just sort of like, Oh no, like I know what is right. I know how to say it. Even if it's not how that person would say it, I feel fine about it.
[00:16:35] And so just like, even in those small little moments, just sort of being like, this feels comfortable. This feels, Right. Right.
[00:16:43] Lily: So. How was that for you to go from those past two relationships where, you know, you said something a while ago that I wanted to come back to, which is this idea of fixing. You were like, how do I fix what's going wrong?
[00:16:57] And I'm curious [00:17:00] about that framing and how, what was it like in your love life? to move towards a space of like, I trust my intuition. Like I am never wrong versus where you were before, which was like, there's something I've got to be missing. There's got to be something I need to fix to, does that make sense?
[00:17:17] Mishi: Yeah. So I think like the fixing energy was sort of more around like getting through a breakup versus, you know, fixing something about myself to like, I go into my love life, but I definitely entered, I think this is something we talked about in a coaching once. It took me a while to admit that I desired to be partnered.
[00:17:40] Yeah. I got a lot of messaging that it was like weak to not be independent or weak to desire that. And then also like, again, kind of getting both the message that it's weak to desire a partner, but also pathetic to not have one. And so just sort of like, I remember
[00:17:55] Lily: the moment that you said that in a coaching call, it was like, yes, you just put words [00:18:00] to it.
[00:18:01] Mishi: Yeah, and so I think just sort of, you know, like, I am very independent. I am very, you know, I like my alone time. I started my own business, like how to dance. I've done all these things where, like, I am very proud of everything I've accomplished on my own. And so there was sort of, like, this block to, like, admitting It was almost like if I admitted that I wanted that, that that made me like somehow weak.
[00:18:25] I finally kind of got to that place where I was like, no, this is what I desire. And so just kind of admitting that to myself and then like saying out loud and tapping on it and all of that made space. To go look for it in an authentic and embodied way. And so I think when I started dating again with this sort of listen to your intuition, listen to your body's trust yourself, there were a lot of people I went on a date with that I was like, I know in my gut, this is not my person.[00:19:00]
[00:19:00] And there's this thing about them. That a past version of me would have been a reason to give them another date or to continue seeing them. And so I started keeping a list of like, this is the thing about that person that would have made past me she go out with him again. Yeah. And that helped me sort of say, oh, these are the things that are important to me.
[00:19:21] Why can't I have all of those things and a person that it feels right. Right.
[00:19:26] Lily: Yeah.
[00:19:27] Mishi: And so I think that was the biggest shift for me, the bless and release framework. Very useful. I've always sort of had a no ghosting policy. A mutual fizzle is a different situation, but like if somebody asks me out again and I'm not interested, I will always like say thanks, but no thanks.
[00:19:44] However, I say it, that felt very different where it was sort just recognizing that shift. That a past version of me would have gone farther down this road, even though I knew deep down something fell off or it wasn't my person [00:20:00] or something like that.
[00:20:01] Lily: Well, I think that the bless and release strategy specifically is the most counterintuitively powerful thing for most people.
[00:20:09] I hear the brazen breakthrough because blessing and releasing doesn't seem like something that gets you forward momentum to a partnership because it's just like I'm saying no to more people. How does that lead me to finding more possibility if I'm saying no to more people, but it's counterintuitively this really magnetic strategy to guide you towards what is right for you.
[00:20:32] Mishi: Yeah, I just I'm thinking of this time that your date feedback system was very helpful for me and I used it religiously. And so, you know, one of the questions is like, what's the most useful next step for you? And there was this person that I matched with on hinge. He was very lovely. We had a nice, um, Date at a year bar and he was good looking and tall and nice and we had a good time, but I just sort of knew it was like, this isn't my person.[00:21:00]
[00:21:00] I'm going to bless and release. But we had one of his like simple pleasures on his hinge profile was like a nice candle. And so we had talked about how, like, I have this signature candle that I buy from this boutique in Brooklyn and I'm just obsessed with it. And it's a great candle. It's called the Painted Swan, is the name of the place, and it's like a housewares and a paint store.
[00:21:22] Literally,
[00:21:23] Lily: by the way, down the street from my house.
[00:21:26] Mishi: Okay, go buy one of their candles, they're very affordable. They smell amazing. Okay. And so I had told him, I was like, I'm not a huge candle person, but like, this is my candle. I am like brand loyal to the Painted Swan candle. And so I just had this thing.
[00:21:40] Thought that I was like, you know what? I'm just going to bring him a candle on the first date. And so I was like, I don't know if I'll give it to him. Maybe that's weird. And then I was like, you know what? I'm going to bless and release, but with a candle. And now he has a nice candle and maybe one day he can tell the story of like, yeah, I met this woman and we went out once, but she gave me a candle and that was [00:22:00] weird.
[00:22:00] Or like, that was cool or whatever. Like, I just sort of, it just felt right. Again, self trust. I was like, yeah, this is a little weird to bring a candle to a guy on a first date. But I felt called to do that
[00:22:10] Lily: and I love that and I truly love it because there's so many things that I've done in my life that feel similarly like, why am I?
[00:22:20] What am I? What's happening? Why am I doing this? But just like, no, my body wanted to do the thing and it feels a little weird externally. Maybe it's not like conventional or whatever, that self permission that you're giving yourself, which is very brazen breakthrough, very main character energy, I think leads to, yeah, Energetically like attracting what you want.
[00:22:40] So let's get into the differences that you saw in your dating life and then where you're at now and, and how you got to where you are now in your love life.
[00:22:51] Mishi: Yeah, so I think I would say like the couple of months after I joined, I found myself sort of experimenting in my dating life. [00:23:00] Sometimes I would sort of be I did a lot of joy building.
[00:23:03] I signed up for like a burlesque class. I signed up for roller skating lessons love. Like there was one day where I was like, I want to read in a hammock. So I like, Took the ferry to Governor's Island, where there's like a hammock grove, and I just like read on a hammock for a few hours. So nice. Because I could.
[00:23:21] You know, so things like that, where I was just sort of like, sometimes it's about just going, leaving my apartment, which is very difficult for me to do. And then sometimes it was about, you know, talking to people on a dating app. And I kind of explored the idea of like, is it possible for me, you know, I talked to my therapist about this where I was like, yeah, I feel like I don't know if I'm ready to like be in another relationship, but I also don't want to be celibate.
[00:23:44] So like, how do I explore that, you know, my sex life separate from my dating life? Is that possible? Yeah. Didn't really work out very well, but I tried a few things and, you know, I explored and I listened to what felt right and what didn't, and I had some interesting encounters. And [00:24:00] when I was on my trip, I sort of, yeah, I was just kind of in that energy of that fuck it energy.
[00:24:05] Just sort of yes.
[00:24:07] Lily: Try something as long as it feels good. Yep. Which is what we're talking about in the brazen breakthrough. There's a fucking energy challenge coming up. Go ahead. Go ahead.
[00:24:15] Mishi: Yeah. And so then I had, you know, I came back from my trip and I was still sort of exploring, going out with people, spending time with friends, joy building, all of that.
[00:24:25] Lily: Were you using qualifying disqualifying questions in your dating life? Were you like looking back at your EVPs? Like, how did you use this, the sort of foundation that you laid in your dating life or did you, was it more intuitive?
[00:24:38] Mishi: Oh yeah, absolutely. So my qualifying disqualifying question. My favorite one was, what's something you've read, watched, or listened to recently that you can't stop thinking about?
[00:24:48] Love that. That was like a very, very useful question, especially like on a dating app like Bumble, where you, you know, I'm the first person who has to say the first thing. And so, [00:25:00] you get a glimpse of like, what this person cares about, if anything, because a lot of times the response would be like, Like I had one guy who said, New York, New York.
[00:25:13] And I said, the Frank Sinatra song. Okay. And he said, yes. And I was like, this is not a conversation, but then you'd have people who'd be like, period, you know, in my mind thinking about, or like something that you listen to that you can't stop thinking about would be like a podcast. But then I had a few people be like, Oh, this new album by this artist.
[00:25:33] Oh, I watched this documentary or I read this article or, you know, and I always had sort of like my own version of that. Cause one of the things like answer your own question. It's like, what is the thing that I can't, we
[00:25:43] Lily: do that inside the brazen breakthrough. Yep.
[00:25:45] Mishi: Can't stop thinking about. And so that sort of was like, for me, really useful to, and one of my EBPs is like intellectual curiosity.
[00:25:53] Yep. And so that can come in a lot of different forms. And so if you have an answer to that question, [00:26:00] it usually. You know, signals, what is this person intellectually curious about, if anything? And so, yeah, just sort of like, I think in terms of like talking to people on apps, it was mostly like that sort of where the qualifying disqualifying questions would come in and really seeing if they kind of fit a lot of my preferences.
[00:26:21] But then really like when I was actually in person with people really trying to focus on being present. And paying attention to how I felt because that's something that I didn't have a lot of practice with.
[00:26:33] Lily: And so, And you needed that info to fill out your date feedback system.
[00:26:36] Mishi: Yes, I did. So yeah, so I actually, there were times, you know, you kind of talk about like the seesaw or like the,
[00:26:45] Lily: Either or thinking.
[00:26:46] Mishi: Yeah, like the loop of like downloading the app and then getting jaded and then on downloading it and this that and so I was in this place where I was like I had a few times over those months where I had a lot better boundaries around dating apps than I did [00:27:00] before I stopped. I didn't have them on my phone.
[00:27:03] I had them on like a separate device that didn't leave my apartment. And so just sort of like, okay, when I love that boundary. Yeah. When I'm out in the wild, like I can't pull it, be like, Oh, this is the guy I'm talking to. Like, no, that's like,
[00:27:14] Lily: yeah,
[00:27:15] Mishi: not for the real world. That's like in this other kind of container of, of your life.
[00:27:20] And so I just sort of realized that I felt calmer and happier off the apps. And like, when I didn't have that to go to when I was bored or feeling lonely or wanting attention, I put that energy into. Other things that made me feel more regulated. And so I had sort of decided I need a break from, and that was again, another kind of self trust thing.
[00:27:48] It's not feeling good anymore. I like how I feel and I like who I am more when I'm not engaging in that. Yeah. And that's not to say that I can't pick it back up, but I just sort of [00:28:00] knew I needed a break from it. Yeah. I mean, I guess like I had gone on, um, a date where you gave me some coaching afterward.
[00:28:08] This was like the second time it happened where I was like on the date after like the first drink. I was just like, I'm not having a good time. I'm ready to go home. But I just like, didn't like, I couldn't, I couldn't find the right words to like, get up and leave. And so I remember like that coaching, you were like talking about giving myself self compassion, going to the bathroom and acknowledging this is going to be difficult and all of that.
[00:28:36] And then I was like, yeah, but no, like, I need you to give me the script. I need you to tell me what to say. Like, I get it. I get it. Yes. Yes. And both. And can you tell me what to say? And so that was very helpful because And I
[00:28:48] Lily: told you what to say.
[00:28:49] Mishi: You absolutely did. And it was really helpful too to get Cause it's
[00:28:51] Lily: about giving the people what they want.
[00:28:53] Sometimes people want the mindset. Sometimes people just want the straight strategy. I've got both. But
[00:28:59] Mishi: I do [00:29:00] think the original advice you gave me to pay attention to how I was feeling and go in the bathroom and
[00:29:04] Lily: take a deep breath, blah, blah, blah.
[00:29:07] Mishi: I needed to hear that. And it was helpful sort of like to hear the other people in the room say like, yeah, you don't have to have a reason.
[00:29:15] To leave. You can just leave. You can say, I think what we had landed on was like, thank you for taking the time. I'm going to go home now. And that felt like very revolutionary. Okay. I don't need a reason. Just like, thank you for coming. I'm going to go home now. Yes. And we kind of brainstormed like worst case scenario.
[00:29:31] What would you do? We role
[00:29:32] Lily: played. Yeah. It was great.
[00:29:34] Mishi: Yeah. And so that I think was very helpful because in deciding to like turn off the dating apps, I had like a few other conversations going that I wanted to like, You know, see through. And so I had one more date plans and I was like, so ready to use that.
[00:29:51] Lily: And it was from the dating app, just to be clear.
[00:29:53] Mishi: Yeah, it was from the dating app and it was sort of, I had like paused all my profiles, but like that conversation [00:30:00] had kind of trickled in. And I wasn't particularly that excited about meeting this person. And so I was just sort of like, yeah, I was just sort of like, uh, I'm ready to take a break from this.
[00:30:09] I need a break from this. I wish I hadn't agreed to go out with them from the apps. Okay. Yeah. And so then I was just like, just go. I'm not a flake. I realized like, and he knows all of this.
[00:30:19] Lily: Yeah. But you asked him your EBPs. You had enough. Did you have any intrigue for him at all? Or was it?
[00:30:26] Mishi: Well, that's what's so funny is that, you know, big reveal five months later, we're still together and he's great and we're great and everything's great and we can talk about that.
[00:30:35] But like, He's like the one person I didn't ask my question to. What's the conversation like? So what actually happened was like, I kind of went rogue on my hinge profile right before I turned it off because I had all of my like very thoughtful prompts and answers and so like all of that was still there, but then I sort of like went a little rogue with the pictures and I just like put all of my pictures of [00:31:00] like me with food.
[00:31:01] And so it was like, she's, and I had like a whole story. It was like me with my Thanksgiving dinner and it was like, she's food motivated. And then the next photo was like me with a piece of pizza and it was like, I told you she's food motivated.
[00:31:12] Lily: I love that. Okay. If you had, by the way, given this to me for your dating profile originally, this is what I say when I say people need to just be in their fuck around energy because don't give me what you think you should be putting on your dating profile because we'll work with what we have.
[00:31:29] Now we have this whole like dating profile review process. But if you sent me your food pictures and you were like, this is the journey and I'm in my fucking energy, I would have been like, hell yes. And so you are just trusting yourself, it sounds like, and fully expressing. So keep going.
[00:31:45] Mishi: So like bunch of pictures with food, this like food story.
[00:31:48] I also, I don't know if I ever showed you this. But I made this meme of myself where it's like my hinge dates, like what I ordered, what I got is like, Oh my God, I'm kind of a [00:32:00] weirdo, whatever. I love it. And then the last photo of me is like one that's kind of normal. I put a caption that was like, here's your reward for like getting to the end of my profile is like a normal picture of me.
[00:32:12] And so he made a comment about like my outfit being chic. And I was like, I had worn that outfit for, I don't know if you remember Rat Girl Summer from last summer. And so I was sort of like, I was trying to embody this Rat Girl Summer energy. The creator who came up with Rat Girl Summer was like throwing a party in Brooklyn.
[00:32:31] And actually I went with one of my friends from the Brazen Breakthrough, Jenny, came with me to the party. And both of us were like, the party started at 11 and I was just like, I'm too old for this, but like, I'm doing it. I'm like, I'm committing to the Rap Girl Summer energy. And so we ended up just kind of talking about Rap Girl Summer and the internet and this that.
[00:32:51] And so then at a certain point, he mentioned kind of an Easter egg in my profile. And that for me was the intrigue. One [00:33:00] of my was like green flags. One of my green flags was like, Books by a stare Perel or bell hooks on your bookshelf. And so then he said something about having written a paper on bell hooks.
[00:33:11] And so we started talking about that. And so then I was like, okay, maybe there's something. So
[00:33:15] Lily: let's back it up. Look, you have your EBPs in that right. The intellectual curiosity that you didn't need to ask the question because he made himself a parent. That's the thought that I love. I love passing along to people that they don't believe me with is like the right people make themselves a parent.
[00:33:31] And, uh, there are some clients who open every conversation with their cutie question and it works for them. And they meet somebody amazing who like loves the question and answers and asks back some people like you, you're like, let me just be in my fucking energy. I'm going to be totally my, your profile qualified him.
[00:33:49] Yeah. Because you were just so specific.
[00:33:51] Mishi: We talked about it the other day and he was like, cause I mentioned, I was like, that was like my fucking energy going kind of rogue. And he was like, I love that it [00:34:00] told a story. And it's like, now that I know you better, it's very you. And I'm like, yeah, that's true.
[00:34:05] And, and so it was nice to have like looking back, I'm like, okay, yes. Cause I do have sort of that more. serious side where I'm like answering the questions thoughtfully and truthfully, but like these pictures are telling the story of like the weirdo that I am. Right.
[00:34:17] Lily: It wasn't just like in your prompts, you were like, I like tacos.
[00:34:20] It was like, you did a both and of, you know, like high low, I call it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm curious about how the first date felt. Did you know it was different? The first time you met, what was happening?
[00:34:31] Mishi: Yeah. So again, I went into it being like, okay, I'm totally, thank you for coming. I'm going to go home now.
[00:34:39] Thank you for taking the time. I'm going to go home now. You were prepared. You were prepared to cut it off. I was like practicing it. And then we just sort of, it was one of those things where we had a lot to talk about. And I went to the bathroom at a certain point and I was like, I don't want to say.
[00:34:53] Thank you for coming. I'm going to go home now. I'm having a nice time. I'm feeling that makes me so happy. This feels [00:35:00] good. Yes. And so I actually like I went back and I, uh, after I think, I don't know, a couple of months, I read him all of my date feedback for like the first couple of dates that we've gone on.
[00:35:12] And a lot of it was like, what have you learned from this experience is like, what I want exists, even if this isn't it, it exists and it may come in a package that's a little bit different than I was expecting.
[00:35:25] Lily: How was he different than you were expecting?
[00:35:27] Mishi: So, you know, I always sort of like envision myself with somebody who had sort of like a similar educational background to me in a similar place in life.
[00:35:37] And he is actually, so he's in his late thirties like me, but he's just getting his undergrad now. And so that is sort of, you know, that was one of the things he asked me before we went out. Is he was like, is that a thing? It feels, it's a thing for a lot of women who are like my age. And I sort of was like, I'm actually through the brazen breakthrough.
[00:35:59] I've been like [00:36:00] interrogating, why do I want someone who has that kind of education? Part of that is just conditioning, but that's elitist and I want to unlearn that. And so like, what is it about that that's important to me? And it is sort of like that intellectual curiosity. And so, you know, again, I think it's really interesting to hear that from his perspective because like.
[00:36:22] He is brilliantly smart and he's lived a lot of life and he doesn't have an undergraduate degree yet. And that sort of disqualifies him for a lot of people who are our age. And so I think that's a big thing for me that like, not that I wouldn't have like given him a chance before because I think I would have, but I just sort of always envisioned, Oh yeah, this person would have, of course they would have a college education.
[00:36:47] Yeah. Kind of like the bare minimum and just sort of realizing, like, that is not the thing that I care about, like, I don't I
[00:36:54] Lily: right. It's not the essence of the person.
[00:36:56] Mishi: Exactly. Exactly. And so I think that was part of it. And one [00:37:00] thing that's interesting is that I was a person who like I paid for the apps that I use because I wanted to filter out anybody who was politically moderate or conservative or wanted children because I have known to That's definitely a deal breaker for me is like, I know I don't want children.
[00:37:20] There are a lot of people out there who say they do want children and they'll still like talk to you and waste your time. And I was not having that. And so right before I like closed down all my apps, like my subscriptions ran out and he would not have shown up for me. Because he didn't fit that criteria because he had put that he was like, his political views were other for me.
[00:37:44] That's usually a red flag. Yeah. I was like, what does that mean? That was one of the first things I did ask him before I went out. And he said, well, I just felt like none of the options were like Progressive enough for me, you know, like liberal doesn't feel like progressive and so I was like, okay,
[00:37:59] Lily: [00:38:00] fine, but
[00:38:02] Mishi: that was definitely something like, because of that, he wouldn't have come through the filter.
[00:38:07] And you're always talking about, so interesting. You're always talking about how, like, you don't need to pay. I mean, I think for me, it would have been a little too overwhelming to just have that.
[00:38:17] Lily: Look, it's all when you're using dating apps, there are tradeoffs because of the algorithm that sucks. And because of the paid up upgrades that work sometimes in some ways, but not in others, right?
[00:38:29] There's, it's always this, like, I think the question you were asking yourself was like, how do I navigate these with the most agency possible? And then from there, it just so happened that Alchemizing This subscriptions ran out at this moment. Yeah. You were also about to get off the apps for a detox and other detox.
[00:38:47] It sounds like.
[00:38:48] Mishi: Yeah. And then it was just sort of like every date we went on. So this was another self trust moment at the end of the first date. Like I wanted him to kiss me, but he didn't. And I was like, I [00:39:00] never, like, want that, first of all, but I'm also, like, weird about kissing in public.
[00:39:05] Lily: Yeah.
[00:39:05] Mishi: And I sort of was like, you know what?
[00:39:08] I'm gonna invite him to my place for the second date. And so the sort of intellectual part of my mind was like, you shouldn't do that. It's only a second date. That's gonna send a message. But then I was just like, no, that's what feels good. Good. Yeah. That's what feels right. Yeah. And it took him a while, but at a certain point he said, do you want me to kiss you?
[00:39:28] And I was like, yeah. Yeah. And I thought that was great because I was like, it wasn't like, can I kiss you? It wasn't like permission. And in the past, I sort of, one of the things that I wanted in like my perfect person was a deliberate first kiss. Cause I feel like a lot of times you go for drinks. There's like this sort of, I don't know how to describe it, but like the energy is like a little bit, it's not intentional.
[00:39:50] And so I think that for me was like, Oh, this is like exactly what I meant. It was intentional and deliberate. And. That felt like a nice moment. And so just sort of [00:40:00] like trusting myself to like invite this person into my home. And he kept showing up with like some later dates with a list on his phone of like things he wanted to talk about.
[00:40:10] And so a lot of that, does he fit these EBPs were sort of, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. Because You know, I think some people are, this is a theme that I'm seeing with other members in the Brazen Breakthrough is like, I think you talked about this in your last podcast episode. It was like, it's not like a little intense to like bring that up so early on.
[00:40:31] And so this is actually, wait, this is really funny. I don't know. I'm sure he will be fine that I tell you this, but after our second date, so I was still sort of talking to some other people cause I was like trying to tie up loose ends. Okay. Our second date was excellent, but then I was sort of like, I had gone out with, I was just trying to wrap things up with other people.
[00:40:51] He sort of started texting me and he called me and long story short, he was just sort of like, I kind of want to calibrate because I feel like I like you a lot more than you [00:41:00] like me. And I just sort of want to like get the vibe and like calibrate. I love that clarity moment. He sort of like freaked out and, and it was like, it could have been this moment of like, oh wow, like this is too intense, too fast.
[00:41:14] But I had this moment where I was like, and I even told him, I was like, my dating coach says that you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. And so if I'm the right person, this conversation is not going to scare me away. But I need to like, I need to let it play out because I don't know yet. And so I was just like, very honest.
[00:41:30] Wow.
[00:41:31] Lily: Whoa. That's incredible, Mishi. So you were able to honor that you wanted a little more time to figure it out. And you were able to honor that he might be the right person for you and that you just needed more clarity and time and that he wasn't responsible for creating more clarity. It was like, you have this, you know what I'm saying?
[00:41:53] Like you weren't putting it on him. Yeah. And I think that that's so cool that you were in your agency in that moment.
[00:41:59] Mishi: Yeah. And so I think [00:42:00] like, there is. a version of this story where like that conversation could have scared me away. But because I was paying attention to how it was feeling around him, it didn't.
[00:42:10] And I was like, well, let me hang out with him again. And if it's weird, then I can bless and release. But it wasn't weird. It was great.
[00:42:19] Lily: How would you describe how the relationship feels?
[00:42:22] Mishi: Peaceful. It's like, it feels very safe. It feels very calm. It feels very reciprocal. That was one thing that I sort of, I noticed sort of early on is that like, in my last two relationships.
[00:42:35] There was a feeling early on that something was off, like in my body. And then like my brain said, this person's good on paper. Here are all the reasons why this is right. And in this relationship, it was sort of like reversed where it was like, I feel calm and good and happy. And my brain went like, here are all the reasons why this could be, you know, could go sideways and just sort of like [00:43:00] recognizing that that was just my brain being a brain.
[00:43:02] Surviving. And just like paying attention to how I was feeling is what feels like really, what feels really different. And one of the things that I have said to him is that like, he makes it really easy express. And that's one of the reasons that it works is because there is that sort of ability to say, hey, like this felt bad.
[00:43:24] Can we talk about it? And so what's funny is like in the earlier days, you know, every time I would see him, he'd like pull out his phone with his list of things he wanted to talk about. And I had a list too. And so now it's sort of like all of those things have been talked about and obviously things come up, but there's like a little bit more like space to just sort of enjoy each other and figure out what our lives, how to intertwine our lives and all of that.
[00:43:50] So yeah, it's good.
[00:43:54] Lily: Exciting to hear. And I, like, what's the whole Doing your dishes of it [00:44:00] all, making your bed of it all. Say more
[00:44:02] Mishi: on that. This is something I sort of worry about a little bit. It's like, I don't want him to start resenting me for like doing my dishes or making the bed, but we have talked about all of this.
[00:44:12] So I, Have ADHD. I'm a very messy person. Having my apartment, like, be immaculate is like not super important to me. And so for him, he's just like, that's more natural for him to just be a little tidier and want to have the sink empty of dishes and have the bed made. And so I'll be off doing my own thing.
[00:44:33] And then the next thing I know, like, I'm like, The dishes are done and that is really helpful, but, you know, or like he'll chop all the vegetables and then I'll cook the dinner and I'm like, this is great. Like, that's the worst part of cooking for me. That's so nice. So it's like, it's very sort of like, there's a give and take and we talk about all of it.
[00:44:53] And that's the thing. It's like any of this stuff. That's awesome. You know, I did, I talked to him about coming on this podcast before I did [00:45:00] and made sure he was comfortable with me talking about him and even just like showing him my date feedback system. That's so awesome. These are all the things I said about you before I really knew you.
[00:45:10] Oh my God. It's sort of like
[00:45:12] Lily: reading your journal to somebody. I think that that's so intimate. And yeah. Exciting to have somebody that can hold that with you. And I'm really happy for you. It sounds like obviously I know all listeners know, and you know, I know that romantic relationship is amazing and beautiful, and that it doesn't have to be the center of everything in our lives.
[00:45:37] And you were creating such cool things before you were in this relationship. And when you're in this relationship, so I think you're just living this, like, both end of trusting yourself and existing as yourself, honestly and fully in this relationship, which makes me want to cry. It makes me so happy. And I'm so grateful that you were open to sharing your experience.
[00:45:58] You know, you've mentioned your ADHD [00:46:00] a few times. How did your neurodivergent brain work within a program like the Brazen Breakthrough? How did that work for you?
[00:46:08] Mishi: Yeah, I think I am late diagnosed. I was diagnosed a few years ago. And so I sort of have been on this journey to like, figure out how does my brain work and what works for me.
[00:46:19] I know for me personally, like, one of the things that helps my ADHD brain is having this. A deadline and there aren't really, there aren't really deadlines in terms of like the coursework, but being able to say, okay, like I'm going to block off my calendar for these calls every week just to have that, like, I'm going to show up to that or like the summer dating challenge.
[00:46:40] It was like, okay, I didn't do the reflection after every month, but I did all of them the night of the call. And then I joined the call, you know, so like, yeah, yeah. Procrastinating, but like still getting it done or even like that self imposed deadline of, I want to get. the coursework done before I go on this trip.
[00:46:57] So I think you said it's kind of choose your own adventure. Yeah. [00:47:00] But I think it's really helpful to have those sort of like landmarks of show up to the call, or here's this challenge, put your results in Slack, just to have something that level of accountability has been really helpful for me, which is, again, the reason that I sort of knew that DIYing it wasn't going to be enough for me.
[00:47:20] Lily: What would you say to somebody who's on the fence about joining us?
[00:47:23] Mishi: Just do it. Just do it. You won't regret it. Like I think if you're even thinking about it, then like it's for you. One of the things that you say that took me a while to sort of understand Was the idea that like, your desire is evidence that that is possible.
[00:47:44] Lily: Yeah.
[00:47:44] Mishi: And I don't think I really understood that early on, but I think that's like, what's happening is like, if you have curiosity about this, if any of what Lily says resonates with you, and there's a part of you that feels like this could be for me, there will be a part of it that [00:48:00] you'll get something out of, like, whether it's the coursework or the community or the coaching or all of the above.
[00:48:06] There's something in it, if you're curious. There's a reason for that.
[00:48:10] Lily: Well thank you more please, Mishi. more please. Thank you more please. And I am just so excited for you and this new relationship. I've loved working with you in the Brazen Breakthrough. I remember all of those like inflection points in your journey.
[00:48:25] I remember coaching your face off in these different moments and it's been so cool to get to know you. Now be able to coach you even more in the main character energy mastermind and see what you've been able to create with your main character energy. So we'll have you on another episode if you're game to talk about that and get ready, gird your loins.
[00:48:45] I want to share your story all the time.
[00:48:48] Mishi: Sounds good.
[00:48:52] I was like, I have to emotionally recover from this being witnessed so fully.
[00:48:59] Lily: Well, thank you [00:49:00] for, I think it's an incredibly vulnerable act to allow yourself to be seen and why so many people feel stuck, I think, is because the experience of isolation. Or insular ness becomes a status quo, becomes a comfort zone, and what I've seen from you is just you consistently showing up and allowing yourself to be like, okay, body check, if it's a yes, it's a yes, let's go, even if it's nerve wracking, or even if it's uncomfortable, when you trust yourself, you're doing the right thing, and so, I'm just really grateful that you trusted yourself to get the support that you desired, And trusted yourself enough to have courageous conversations with this human who you're now in relationship with.
[00:49:45] And trusted yourself enough to trust somebody else to show up too. Like, instead of doing all the work or all the muscling or all of the caregiving, right? Like, you have created a relationship, you've co created a relationship that is co that is [00:50:00] reciprocal. And that's not by accident, that's by intention.
[00:50:03] Mishi: Totally. Couldn't have done it without you. You're the best.
[00:50:06] Lily: You're the best. I'm so excited for you. So proud of you. Thanks, Lily. Thank you more, please. All right, y'all, you know where all the links are found. If you want to join us in the brazen breakthrough, check out the description of this episode.
[00:50:18] Thanks, Mishi. And I'll talk to you soon.