We are back with another listener Q&A episode. This week, Lily answers a question about feeling anxious and embarrassed about being “late to the dating party.” The listener’s question went something like this:

“I’m 37 and have no dating experience. I haven’t even had a first kiss yet. It’s been an area of great stress for me. How do I break out of this unhelpful mindset and cycle of inaction and start the process of dating while also protecting my well-being?”

This is such a juicy and common question! Lily offers coaching and advice on overcoming hard feelings about being late to the party, explains how to practice self-compassion, and shares steps to creating a clear and courageous path forward.

Hot-takes and how-tos covered in this episode include:

• What if your no-dating experience didn’t mean anything about you?

• A reminder that thoughts are not facts

• How to take care of your nervous system and feel your feelings effectively 

Links:
The Brazen Breakthrough
Follow Date Brazen on Instagram
Follow Date Brazen on TikTok
How to make dating feel like an act of self-care
Episode 145: Liz’s courageous journey to finding love
Episode 135: How to create your essence-based preferences
Episode 136: Where do I even START?
Burnout, Emily Nagoski

Subscribe to The Date Brazen Podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or Stitcher!

Show transcript:

Hello, gorgeous friend. Welcome to another episode of the Dave brazen podcast. So glad that you’re here. I had such a transformational day, literally just listening to my favorite podcast.

One it was like a business podcast. And I just felt so grateful for this medium that we’re like hanging out with and how much I am filled up by podcasts and my favorite podcasts. And so if the date brazen podcast is one of your go to some of your regulars, maybe even one of your favorites. Would you let me know that would mean it would mean so much to me. Here’s how you can let me know you can leave a review on Apple podcasts for the Date Brazen podcast. Obviously, five stars five stars only. That’s a I’m taking that from another one of my faves. Ask Ronna podcast. Seriously, I just looked at our apple podcast reviews. There are 94 as of the recording of this episode, and so it would mean so much to me if we got to 100 together, over 100. Let’s shoot big. I saw a great TikTok the other day, this is an aside, I found it so funny. And like no disrespect to people who married somebody from their,  hometown. But this TikTok said, shoot for this star shoot for the moon. At the very least you won’t have settled for somebody in your hometown. I just found that hilarious because we’re talking about dating and all that Anyway, leave a podcast review, it would mean so much to me. It can be one word, it can be a sentence could be a paragraph. So it would mean so much. I can’t wait to see your reviews and your your thoughts. And I don’t know if we’re hanging out on Tiktok and Instagram yet, but you can also follow me there at date brazen. And here’s the deal. I am going to answer a question from my voicemail inbox today. It is a juicy one, it is a juicy question we’re gonna get all into it. It is about being late to the dating party or quote unquote late this amazing human has a question that I know so many of you have. And now in the date brazen podcast land we have there are 1000s of us like every week, there are 1000s of us. There are hundreds and hundreds of you probably that feel the exact same way that this human does. And so while I’m answering her question, I just want to give you all if you all have the same like whoever has the same question, I want to give you all of like a hug. This question about being late to the dating party and how that feels and the anxiety that comes along with it. Like let’s imagine for this episode, that we are sitting in a circle around a fire and there’s a gorgeous quilt. And we are wrapping the quilt around all of our collective legs. And it’s like it’s keeping us warm. And we’re in front of a crackly fire and we’re hanging out. And we’re going to create some belonging. In this episode, I’m going to share my hot takes in this episode my coaching in this episode, so it’s gonna be a juicy one. And if you like this vibe, if you want to stay in this gorgeous campfire circle, where you get to be coached by me, you get to create massive permission to want everything you want, and to have everything you want in your dating life. If you want to get out of that overall if you want to get out of that anxious spiral that you have been feeling stuck in. If you want to create a clear plan to not only ask for what you want out loud and often, but to attract the best relationship of your life to you, then you’re going to want to join us inside the brazen breakthrough, the link to learn more is in the description of this episode. And in the show notes. Basically, you’re going to create the most expansive list of preferences ever, like give yourself all that permission, you are then going to build a strategy that is rooted in self care that is rooted in your essence based preferences. And then you are going to attract the best states of your life and ultimately the best relationship of your life with more ease and more confidence and more joy than you thought possible. So the link to join us is in the description of this episode. What are you waiting for come join us our live call is coming up and you get a year of those group coaching calls when you join you get the Slack channel so I can coach you between sessions. The wins and the brags in our Slack channel from the brazen breakthrough are too fucking good. They are so good. I cannot wait for you to join us to hop in to start sharing your wins and your brags from this content because you’re going to start getting results as soon as you join. So link is in the description of this episode.

So now let’s get into it

Hey, I’m Lily Womble, former top matchmaker and founder of date brazen after setting up hundreds I realized that with coaching women could match themselves better than anyone else ever could. With my unconventional feminist approach, I’ve helped women around the world build courageous and self trust filled love lives. And now, I’m here to support you get ready, because I’m about to show you the exact steps you need to attract a soul quenching partnership and feel amazing about yourself along the way. This is the date brazen podcast. So this incredible human left me a voicemail. If you want to leave me a voicemail, if you have a question, then you got to get on my email list. Because about once a month, I send out this special link to send me a voicemail. So you can be on the date brazen podcast so I can coach ya. And so get on my email list, you can do that with the link in the description of this episode, get my make dating feel like self care guide. It’s a free journaling guide, and you’ll be on my email list to know when the voicemail box is open again. So let’s get into it. 

Hi, Lily, I will turn 37 In a few weeks, and I have essentially no dating experience. I haven’t even had a first kiss yet. This is mostly from lack of effort on my part, just years and years of not pursuing dating at all, because it felt too scary. It’s just become really overwhelming and a source of great anxiety and stress. For me. I think that partnership is something that I want. But my lack of romantic experience at my age, it’s pretty embarrassing. And it gives me very little confidence in my ability to manage the dating world for the first time. How do I break out of this unhelpful mindset and cycle of inaction and start the process of dating while also protecting my well being and taking care of myself?

Isn’t this such a good question? Thank you so much for asking. I as I shared in the intro, I know so many other hundreds and 1000s of people struggle with this question. And essentially, what I’m hearing is

this this late bloomer idea or late to the party idea, and that there’s a poopoo platter of stuff happening with a lot of buckets, right? There’s the I’m behind bucket, you know, you when you use the word, essentially no dating experience, essentially, I wrote that down, it felt like pointed, it’s like, essentially, I have no dating experience felt like felt like a little bit. Now I’m going to make some judgment calls because we’re not coaching live right now. So take what you need, and literally leave the rest. Okay, if what I say doesn’t resonate now, what I think is happening, if I were to venture to guess, I would say that you said I have essentially no dating advice, and you have used that as a weapon against yourself. Okay? That there are a lot of reasons why that might be the case. One reason is the patriarchy that says that single women are behind that women who have romantic experience and who have locked down a marriage, or, you know, whatever a long term relationship, that they are more successful, they are more ahead in the hierarchy of patriarchal bullshit, they are ahead of the game you’re behind, right? So I have essentially no dating experience is sort of like beating someone or yourself to the punch of, if I can judge my lack of experience before you then I’m safer. That’s what I’m hearing. And I understand that impulse to to, you know, to sort of beat someone to the punch of judgment, both and I don’t know that your current conception of your love life, I actually know it is not serving you. Well, I wrote down notes. I listened to this multiple times, and I wrote notes, I want you to watch your brain as you think about your dating life as you think about it, what experience or what experiences what experiences you have had, maybe crushes maybe longing for the partnership, maybe going out one time with somebody while you were in college, like you do have experience even if that experience is not been has not been tied to an official like define the relationship, you know, relationship. You have had experience, right? And I think this idea of I have no dating experience. I hear you what I hear what I assume you mean by that is like I have been on dates and I haven’t been in a relationship and I haven’t you know, haven’t had a kiss yet or whatever it is. I want you to first watch your brain and your relationship to

how you think about this. Like when you ask this question, How did you feel in your body? I can tell you probably wrote out some points that you wanted to hit. I’ve done the same thing with asking my coach questions. And I want to you know,

point out this question I wrote this down. What if your quote essentially no dating experience didn’t mean anything about you. Now, I understand that we have been socialized to believe that it does. And that that is a huge problem, both and what if the fact of the matter was that my relationship status or my dating status, or my lack of my experience, or lack thereof, actually means nothing about me? Because what I see the problem is generally is that people fill their backpack full of thoughts like this means something’s wrong with me, or I’m just not brave enough. And that means that I’m a weakling or whatever it is, like who and what you know what, what is in your backpack? Right? What judgment voices what what voices of you’re less than you’re a weirdo? Because you’re not in that experience? What voices are in that backpack that you’ve been carrying around?

And it’s almost like, I think a little bit of self flagellation, perhaps that happens new generally, in people who are later to the dating party. It’s that like, it’s the maladaptive coping mechanism of, I just need to fix this, I need to fix this. So how do I fix this, I look for the problem. The problem is me and my lack of courage, or my lack of consistency, or my lack of trying, or whatever it is. And then you’re like, cool, let me fix all that. And then that creates a spiral of, but how do I try and I don’t know how to try, but how, but I want it but how do I try but how but I want to try, right? It’s like anxious spiral that’s happening. Potentially. Again, we’re not talking live, but I’m just I’m guessing based on your tone, and based on what I’m feeling in your question, and my intuitive intuition, and the long and the short of the answer is number one watch the backpack, watch your brain watch her backpack? What’s in your backpack? Whose voice is in that backpack? Is it your mom’s? Is it your cousins? Is it your first grade teachers who said something about dating or your 12th grade teachers? Or is it your, you know, like babysitter or was it who was who are these voices? Sometimes when I notice an anxious spiral in my brain, I will or I’ve done this in the past. I’m a huge fan of the Muppets, as you can tell by the Miss Piggy and Kermit decorative plate that hangs behind me in my little office. And people always ask about it. I got it from a boutique in Brooklyn. The company does not seem to be in business anymore. I’ve googled them. Anyway, I digress. I love the Muppets. I like to think and Sesame Street as you know, an offshoot of Jim Henson, whatever. I like to think of if those voices were characters, like what would that Muppet be? What would that Muppet look like? If it’s like an old boss or a co worker or my mother or whoever I’ll imagine them talking. And sometimes that can feel weighty and heavy. And then, and then I transposed their voice onto a muppet. Like a Sesame Street muppet. You know, the cute little one with like, pink feathery hair and just got pigtails. Like sometimes I’ll imagine that voice that that voice that’s saying you’re not doing enough, you’re not enough. You just need to push harder. You are the problem. Like I still struggle with those voices for different reasons. And sometimes I’ll imagine them coming from that Muppet, and it just creates some lightness and some separation from the activation of you know, something traumatic or activating in my childhood. I think that’s why therapy is really important to to unpack these pieces in your backpack. And if you feel heavy around them, like assign a muppet to them. And watch that Muppet say these things, because ultimately, people want you people in your life who were gonna assume the good intent want you to be happy, and they don’t know what is best for you. Truly, you’re not a child anymore. Happy birthday, by the way, how do we glanced I wrote on the top of my list, it was happy birthday. Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday. Dear anonymous, happy birthday to you. Happy Birthday! You’re turning 37, You’re alive. So exciting. So watching these like picking apart? Like what are the pieces here? Like what are the buckets here? Who are the voices at play here? What is the self blame happening here? The answer to your question essentially at the very end, the question was, how do I break out of this mindset and start dating with more confidence?

The answer is to get yourself supported friend. The answer is like this is why I created the brazen breakthrough.

Now, you will be for I believe, fundamentally that that nobody needs my program to survive. Like I know that like this is like programs to support your

emotional development and well being like they’re a beautiful nice to have and they can be a life changing force when you feel aligned with the coach when you feel aligned with the program like your question, you know, whether or not you do my program, like your question is why I coach why I created the brazen breakthrough. Because you deserve whether or not you have a long term relationship under your belt whether or not you have like, it’s you know, 10 make outs under your belt, whether or not you have anything under your belt romantically. You deserve a place to belong and be seen, and move through hard feelings, having your own back, be supported through hard feelings. Having your own back my client Liz in the last episode said it so beautifully that she was like, I just needed a space in which my preferences weren’t going to be judged, in which my lack of prowess in this area wasn’t going to be judged. And that is the room inside the brazen breakthrough. So, back to your question and coaching you in this moment whether or not you join us inside the brazen breakthrough. You said this lack of experience is embarrassing. Okay, so another piece of homework for you, is I want you to take inventory of your worst case scenarios in your dating life. Let’s say you do start dating I bet you have thought about it so many times. Because so many people have asked the same question.

What if I show up to a date? And they asked about my romantic history and I have to say I haven’t had any and they’re gonna feel so turned off and they’re gonna think what’s wrong with her? And they’re gonna leave the table and they’re gonna be so like mad that they went on a date with me and they’re gonna think what a waste of my time I wish that they that she had told me that she hadn’t been in a relationship before because that would have told me everything I want to know because something was wrong with her Baba Baba, see the anxious vicious cycle the spiral, take inventory on a literal piece of paper.

Take inventory of these big scary worst case scenarios. Why? Because when you write them, shame cannot breed in silence. Okay, this is why we do group coaching inside every program that I have. Shame cannot read in silence. These are scary thoughts designed to keep you safe, your brain wants to keep you safe from further rejection and harm I get it and thoughts are not facts. Write these thought they are these are thoughts designed to their maladaptive coping mechanisms, write them down take inventory of what is your worst case scenario about your, quote, lack of experience. Now, you also inside the brazen breakthrough, do we start with the relationship reflection guide, after you’ve gone through the dating detox dating up detox? You know, you go through the relationship reflection guide. And even for people who have zero long term relationships or zero relationships, there is still stuff patterns of thought patterns of behavior, patterns of people you were attracted to, there’s still stuff to mine here to learn from, to grow from. That is like that’s just the truth, you do have experience. So you can also give yourself permission to take inventory of your experience that you do have, and not judge yourself for the amount of lines you can write on a paper piece of paper. Okay. So in terms of tactical next steps, right, because you’re going to, you’re going to write down what the worst case scenario is in your brain.

The best next step after that, we’ve talked about a lot of next steps. This is my problem is that I love coaching so much. And I know exactly because I’ve I’ve worked with people for five years who have a very similar problem, and I see where you are right now. And I also see so clearly that what you want is 100,000 percent possible. And so I know and I struggle with like just take it one step at a time Lily don’t vomit all of the action steps they need to go at their own pace. And then then my brain is like no, no, just give it give it all okay?

You’re going to take inventory of the voices, take inventory of the back what’s in the backpack, maybe give a muppet head, then you’re going to take inventory of the worst case you know, maybe even inventory of your past experience, then inventory of your like worst case scenario, okay from there.

This is about nervous system care, my friend. This is about learning how to feel your feelings effectively.

I’m not talking about I feel sad. I’m talking about learning the skill of emotional granularity. Being able to define with granularity it’s a term coined by Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett. We talk about this skill inside the brazen breakthrough. We’re emotional granularity is looking at a feelings wheel identifying where you can look up feelings. Well, by the way, right now on Google, like look up feelings. We’ll look at what am I feeling? Identify with granularity? What am I feeling right now? And then identify where that feeling is in your body. And say out loud, my gorgeous friend, say out loud, I if it feels true. Now if this doesn’t feel true, we do baby steps. I’m gonna give you the baby steps after I give you the the thought that I recommend. The thought that I recommend you practice out loud is this.

I am willing to feel anything to be with you. And then there is nothing that you could say do or feel that would make me want to stop being your friend. And I get that thought from the amazing coach Simone Soul.

Now, if those thoughts don’t feel true, then don’t practice them. Your brains gonna freak out not and gonna want to reject them. So if those thoughts feel true, practice that out loud in this moment of feeling your feelings. Don’t feel true. Choose a baby step thought. A baby step thought sounds like I am here with you right now. You’re you’re feeling your feelings. You’re doing it? Or I’m learning how to be a better friend to you what is like the baby step version. If the I’m willing to feel anything to be with you. There’s nothing you could say do or feel that would make me want to stop being your friend? Does it feel true this moment because thoughts need to feel useful and true to build a new neural pathway. So you’re going to identify the feeling with granularity, name it with the feelings wheel, then you’re going to identify where it is in your body say out loud, I am willing to feel anything to be with you. When you feel embarrassed. Don’t gate that feeling. Feeling that feeling doesn’t make it true. Because thoughts because feelings are not facts. It makes you human. To feel that feeling. Feeling the feeling of embarrassment doesn’t make you embarrassing. It makes you human because you have coping mechanisms and you have feelings and experiences in your body just like everybody else.

Don’t gate yourself from feeling these feelings. So when you talk about how do I not feel embarrassed? Or how do I break out of this mindset, you got to feel your feelings friend. You’ve got to learn how to feel anything effectively. What I mean effectively is how to move through that cycle. How to allow the I did this earlier today. I was feeling shame about something in my life.

I was fighting that feeling tooth and nail fighting it tooth and nail. I was like, I don’t want to feel this. This is inconvenient. I hate this. It manifested me pushing that feeling down manifested in so much frustration and anger.

And what I did was I like I got coaching, I showed up to get coached in a community that I belong to. I raised my hand to get support. I did a tapping meditation Brad Gates on YouTube was great. I did tapping like I searched like tapping for frustration. I think EFT is brilliant and amazing and life changing.

And then I did that on YouTube. And then I was able to like say like, oh shit, I’m actually I’m feeling shame. I’m not just feeling frustration like it’s something deeper. So when I realized that I was in the bathroom, I was washing my hands. I looked at myself in the mirror. I said, God, okay, I’m willing to feel anything to be with you. I really am Lily, I’m here with you. This also really sucks. I don’t like feeling shame. And I was like, Yeah, that makes sense. Shame is sucky.

And then I was like I’m there’s nothing you could do that would make me want to not be your friend. There’s nothing you could feel that would make me not want to be your friend. And then I close your eyes and I breathe deep and I noticed where it was in my body. And I noticed and I said I’m feeling shame of feeling shame. I let it bubble up. I noticed it. I wasn’t trying to fix it. I noticed it. I noticed it. I held myself in compassion. I said out loud. This sucks. This sucks. This sucks. And then eventually, like my body had our physical reaction. I learned about this in the book burnout that it wasn’t abnormal. When you allow yourself to feel your feelings to have a physical reaction like shaking, or like tears or like like your body will have a physical reaction to allowing yourself to process your feelings. They may grow. They may intensify, they may shift and then inevitably they’ll flow because that’s what feelings were meant to do feelings. You know, the the Nagurski sisters talk about in the book burnout, how feelings are like tunnels we feel our way through them to get to the light at the end. So how do you break out of that mindset? You learn how to feel your feelings and then

You can take aligned powerful action based on your values. Now that aligned powerful action, here are three next steps. Okay? Not that you’ve not gotten enough next steps from this episode. Hey, if you leave a voicemail Get ready because like I am giving you the sauce. I’m giving you the homework.

Episode 135 After you like, you process some of this embarrassment and again, you’ll you’ll have to process these feelings often right? They don’t go away once you process them process these feelings nothing no feelings a deal breaker, okay? Then learn about your own essence based preferences with episode 135. Go to Episode 136. Where do I even start and listen to episode 135, essence base preferences. So that’s all of my homework for you dear friend. And if you want support on this journey, if you want me with you, if you want a community who has your back every step of the way, then the brazen breakthrough is going to help you create massive confidence in what you want and how to find it. Whether or not you’ve ever been in a relationship, this program is going to give you the step by step tools to understand all of your preferences to give yourself permission to want what you want to give yourself permission to have what you want. And it’ll give you the tools to date online and in person with joy and prowess and ease. All of those resources that I just mentioned are in the description of this episode in the show notes, which is in the description of this episode. So if you wanted to know about any of the resources that I mentioned, the feelings wheel, the episodes 133 and 135. If you wanted to learn about the brazen breakthrough, go to the shownotes get yourself coached, get yourself supported. I’m so glad that you’re here friend who left this voicemail. Thank you, happy birthday. I love you. You’re amazing. You’re killing it no matter what. And if it feels like the most incredible exciting next step and invitation. I hope to see you inside the brazen breakthrough. All right. Talk to y’all soon. Bye.