Taylor hasn’t been in a relationship since she was 19. Now, at 31, after eight ghostings and countless near misses, she’s wondering: “Why not me?”

In her words:

“Hope is scary.”

Because every time she’s let herself hope, she’s been let down—and she’s started to believe maybe she’s just not worth the effort.

In this raw and powerful live coaching session, we unpack what’s really underneath that fear—and build a brand new belief:

✨ “Massive change happens when I trust myself and advocate for myself.”

In this episode, you’ll learn:

💎 How to move from “I know the tools” to actually feeling them work

💎 What to do when self-compassion feels completely out of reach

💎 The thought error that keeps so many late bloomers stuck in shame

💎 Why practicing hope (even when scared) is the bravest dating move you can make

If you’ve ever felt behind, broken, or like dating is a hopeless slog—this one’s for you.

💥 Work with Lily:

→ Main Character Dating: datebrazen.com/waitlist

→ Free Essence-Based Preferences workbook: datebrazen.com/workbook

→ Read Thank You More Please: datebrazen.com/book

Follow Lily everywhere:
📲 Tiktok
📸 Instagram
📺 YouTube Channel

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Show transcript:

Lily Womble (00:00)

Hey gorgeous friends, welcome to another episode of The Late Bloomer Show. I’m so glad that you’re here. Today, I’m coaching Taylor. Taylor feels like a late bloomer and has experienced eight ghostings recently. And she wrote in her application, It feels like people decide I’m just not worth it, and that’s why they decide to ghost. So I think the belief that I’d like to challenge is that I’m not worthy or worth the effort. She also shared with me that her last relationship was when she was 19,

and she’s now 31, and she feels eternally behind and like nothing is ever going to change. She also really struggles with personalizing rejection. Like obviously, you know, when somebody ghosts or rejects, it feels like it’s because of her.

And if you resonate with that, then you are going to love this episode where Taylor starts out feeling pretty hopeless. And she also feels like even though she knows all the things that I talk about with self-compassion and reframes and new thoughts and believing more positive things about your love life and what’s possible—even though she knows those things cognitively, she’s been in this world for a couple of years of Date Brazen—she has trouble believing it. She has trouble feeling that truth in her body. And so we bridge that gap today,

to where she comes in feeling hopeless, and you’re gonna hear the transformation that we co-create in this session, where she leaves this session feeling hopeful and excited about her dating life and about her future. You’re gonna love this episode. I know I did, and we just finished recording. It’s too good not to miss. So let’s dive in.

Lily Womble (02:12)

Taylor, welcome to The Late Bloomer Show.

Taylor (02:15)

Hello, thank you for having me. I’m a little nervous, but I’m excited. I think it’ll be really fun.

Lily Womble (02:17)

How are you feeling about this?

It is going to be really fun.

I do want to tell people we have met before. We’ve done a little bit of coaching through my book club that I ran in 2024, and so I was delighted to see your name cross my desk again.

Taylor (02:37)

Yeah, I was really excited for the opportunity because I have been following you for a few years and I think that, like, I don’t know, I really jive with your philosophy. I was really excited to do this and get picked. Yeah.

Lily Womble (02:52)

Yay.

Well, I’m asking everybody that I’m coaching: What’s a brag and what’s your intention for this conversation? So a brag could be about literally anything big or small—something you want to celebrate, something you’re proud of. And then intention is: What is a concrete outcome that you want out of this session?

Taylor (03:08)

I’m going to say my brag is I cleaned my whole house yesterday because I just got over like a really bad sinus infection. And so now my house is like clean and beautiful and it feels really nice. And my intention…

Lily Womble (03:23)

I love that.

Taylor (03:28)

I think I just want to come away from this feeling more hopeful. I feel like I try really hard to gather that hope, and it feels like it keeps getting dashed. So I think I wanna find a way to hold onto it for my love life and dating life.

Lily Womble (03:51)

Yeah. So I do want to mention a couple of things that I read in your application. I’ve bolded a lot of what you wrote because I think it’ll be really resonant to people. You shared, I’ve technically been single since I graduated high school, a lot of near misses. I haven’t been someone’s quote, girlfriend since I was 19 and I’m 31.

Taylor (04:09)

Mm-hmm.

Lily Womble (04:12)

How you… like, tell me, I read that and I’m like, unbothered, you know me. I’m like, okay, cool, let’s fucking go. But I can tell you have some feelings about that.

Taylor (04:16)

Yeah.

Yeah, I think the thing that is like the most frustrating about it is that I feel like I have a lot of love to give and I feel like I’d be like a really good girlfriend, a really good partner, and I feel really good about where I am in my life right now. And I just am like, what is it about me that makes people not wanna give me a chance, I guess.

I just feel like I’ve had a lot of like near misses. I feel like there’s been a lot of times where it feels like it’s something that I’m excited about or like I’m seeing someone and it feels like there’s potential there and it just like doesn’t happen for one reason or another. And it feels very like, like it’s not me, but it is me. And, or it’s like not the right timing or like…

And so it’s just like, what is the reason that I can’t like get over the finish line there?

Lily Womble (05:28)

Gotcha. You said, I want dating to not feel so much like a slog and not feel so shattered by every setback. So I’m wondering, like, what would feel most useful in this session—more tactical or mindset stuff? We could also do both.

Taylor (05:32)

Yeah.

Hmm.

You know, it’s weird because I feel like the mindset stuff, it’s a lot of like, I know this, right? Like I know it and I understand it and it makes sense to me, but I can’t like get it to connect to my actual emotions. Because like I said, I’ve been following you for a few years. And so like, I know a lot of the frameworks. Like I feel very comfortable with SOFT and like the idea of it. And I don’t know necessarily if I…

Lily Womble (05:55)

Gotcha. Yeah.

Mmm.

Taylor (06:17)

…have ever been able to really enact that effectively. I’m newly medicated, so maybe I’ll be better at doing it now, but I haven’t… I don’t know, it feels like I’ve had—most recently as an example—I got briefly back on Hinge to try again because it’s awful.

But you know, we keep trying, we keep trying. And so I got back on and I matched with somebody and it was just like a few messages back and forth, but like he seemed very cool and like he responded to my message very earnestly, whatever. And I was busy at a work conference and so I didn’t respond for like a couple of days. And then when I did get back to him, I asked him a question and he just unmatched me. And…

That could be for a variety of reasons, right? That could be literally any reason that has nothing to do with me, but it feels like that happens a lot. And so it’s just sort of like…

Lily Womble (07:20)

You mentioned like seven, eight times. Is that like the number of… Was that about the feeling ghosted? Was that in general people unmatching? Okay, okay.

Taylor (07:26)

Specifically ghosting, yeah.

It’s like a combination of ghosting and, I’m just really bad at communicating or I’m just really bad at texting. I’m like, okay, but if you cared about me or about this, you would put in the effort to try. So it’s been a lot of that stuff, or specifically actually ghosting.

Lily Womble (07:42)

Hmm. Okay.

Yeah. Okay. I’m going to be kind of… I mean, I just want to be really direct with you. I have seen a couple of thought errors in your application that I want to point out.

Taylor (08:04)

Please.

Okay.

Lily Womble (08:14)

So, cause you mentioned SOFT—S-O-F-T: self-compassion, owning your needs, feeling your feelings, thoughts not facts—which is a coaching framework that I put in that acronym. You said there’s a…

Taylor (08:17)

Mm.

Lily Womble (08:26)

There’s a difference between cognitively knowing them, intellectually knowing them, and emotionally feeling them. And I just want to point out some ways that we could bring that tool into your cognition right now and your body. Okay? You said in your application, I feel like I’ve been doing it alone for a long time. I hope that with more specific help, I could figure out exactly what is wrong with me.

Taylor (08:38)

Okay. Yeah.

Did I say that?

Lily Womble (08:54)

Yeah.

Yeah, you said it. You said it. I didn’t say it—you said it. That’s a tough sentence, my friend. That’s a really tough sentence.

Taylor (09:00)

I was going through it that night.

Yeah.

Wow. Yeah.

Lily Womble (09:12)

I also want to point out the “I hate feeling stupid” that you wrote.

Taylor (09:18)

Mm-hmm.

That I do, yeah.

Lily Womble (09:21)

That resonates more today, less so than “I want to figure out what’s wrong with me.”

Taylor (09:22)

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, that still resonates, but it is funny that I was that blatant about it. Yeah. Yeah, no, I hate feeling stupid specifically. It just feels like ⁓ I try really hard not to get my hopes up and get too excited ⁓ when I’m like—

Lily Womble (09:30)

You’re very honest.

Taylor (09:49)

—when I go on a first date that’s good. Or like when I match with somebody at a speed dating event and it felt very cool, or, you know, stuff like that. And then I’m like, but don’t get excited because you never know. Like it might, you know, not work out. And then I try really hard not to get excited. And I still end up being like super down and sad when it inevitably doesn’t work out.

It makes me feel silly ⁓ because I’m like, but you knew, you knew that it was probably going to end up like this and you still got excited and you didn’t temper your expectations, and now you’re like, you know… And so it’s like that constant feedback loop of like, you should have known better because it’s always like this and that makes me feel dumb. And then it’s like on and on, cyclical, so.

Lily Womble (10:43)

How does it feel sharing this with me?

Taylor (10:49)

⁓ It’s like if I don’t think about other people listening to it, totally fine. But I’m also like, I don’t know, I’m like not—I feel like I’m not a person that is ⁓ like… I love a trauma dump. Like I love meeting people and just going out and being like, what’s the most formative childhood trauma? Like, tell me about that. ⁓ Because to me, it feels like a very easy—not easy, but like—

Lily Womble (10:59)

Okay, okay, got you.

Wow, wow.

Taylor (11:18)

It’s like a quick form of connection for me in my head. So that’s like—it’s funny how for me, how people answer that, like, that’s neither here nor there. It’s weird to be vulnerable in general. And like talking to you about it, I feel like is fine because this is a thing that you do. It’s like fully your job. So that’s fine. But then I’m like thinking about other people hearing my vulnerability and that feels a little silly, but also—

Lily Womble (11:20)

Sure.

Taylor (11:45)

—it’s good. It’s like part of it, and I think it’s important.

Lily Womble (11:48)

Well, I do want to bring in—one of the components of self-compassion is this common humanity piece, that like none of us are alone. We’re all in a human soup together of like weirdness, hard feelings, vulnerability. So, you know, thinking about the folks… I’m just thinking about as you’re sharing how many people are nodding their heads. When you’re sharing, like exactly what you’re sharing is so resonant—

Taylor (11:58)

Yeah.

Lily Womble (12:13)

—with so many people, and they are feeling so much less alone. Not that your story has to be in service of anyone else. This time is absolutely about you, Taylor. And we are going to like—I’m gonna coach your face off and we’re gonna come into some hope, and also accessible hope. And I also wanna give you some tools by the end of this where you feel a lot more powerful in this process, and more magnetic to the right people and unbothered by the wrong ones. All of that, like…

I want this to be for you and I also want you to realize that you’re a part of a group of people who really are cheering you on right now.

Taylor (12:50)

Yeah, it’s good to know. A lot of my brain is like, I know this thing, but I don’t always feel this thing. ⁓ And so it’s nice to… I was listening to other people’s coaching sessions on your podcast, obviously, and being like, yeah, I feel like that. And so it is good to know that I can also potentially be—

Lily Womble (13:00)

Hmm.

Taylor (13:18)

—that for other people.

Lily Womble (13:20)

Well, I’m going to point out something that I think might be happening, which is when you say—or I want to be curious about it first and then tell you my hot take. When you say, I know it, but I don’t feel it. Give me an example, because I think that this is related to your dating struggles. Give me an example of knowing something, but then not feeling it. When you say, I’m not feeling it.

Taylor (13:34)

Mm.

Lily Womble (13:41)

Is it sentences in your brain that feel contradictory to the cognitive, to the intellectual knowing that you’re not alone, that this is okay? So like thoughts in your brain that feel judgmental or anxiety-ridden? Is it a literal feeling, vibration in your body? Tell me about that.

Taylor (13:55)

It to me feels like I have the thought that is like, you are not alone in this and other people feel like you and, you know, like a lot of the frameworks and things that you say, like I have a lot of that in my head and I hear it and I’m like, yes, and that makes sense to me and I understand it and I agree with it. And then when it comes to like me feeling it about myself—

Lily Womble (14:12)

Yeah. Yeah.

Taylor (14:25)

—I feel like…

I can know this thing and believe this thing is true, but then there’s something in my brain that is like, but not for you though. ⁓ And it doesn’t—it’s not even like really active. It just feels like I can’t connect past the thought of it. That I’m like, it’s like I’m trying to grab it and—

Lily Womble (14:35)

Mm-mm-mm. Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Taylor (14:52)

—I just keep, like it just keeps moving. Like I just keep missing.

Lily Womble (14:54)

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. So that’s really great information for me as your coach in this session, because when you use—I want to really hammer in the difference between thoughts and feelings, because this will help you to get granular with yourself, help me to understand you better, understand how to help you better. So when you say, I intellectually know it, but I don’t feel it. What I’m hearing is that you have an intellectual awareness that this thought is true for other people—

Taylor (15:07)

Mm-hmm.

Lily Womble (15:24)

—but the thought that you’re practicing is, “Not for me though.” And then that might lead to the feeling of what?

Taylor (15:33)

Like it’s never gonna happen or… yeah. No, this is good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Lily Womble (15:35)

So that’s another thought. So I’m going to be hard on you in this episode because we don’t have time. We need to get into it. We’re in it. So—

⁓ that’s another thought. Which is fine. You have a thousand, tens of thousands of thoughts. But we need to get aware of like, shit, I’m having this thought in my brain that is an assumption based on past trauma, past rejection, past whatever that is, then the thought triggers the feeling in my body.

Taylor (15:44)

Okay. Yeah, yeah.

Feeling.

Lily Womble (16:02)

So thinking of those two things as distinct: my thoughts and my feelings. One causes the other. Now, this model is called “The Model” by Brooke Castillo. It works in things like dating. Like we’re talking about dating, we’re talking about your work life, we’re talking about, you know, friendships. It does not work when talking about things like racism and systemic oppression. So it’s not like, you know, like you’re having a thought and it’s an incorrect thought and then that causes a stressful feeling about like—

Taylor (16:23)

Sure.

Lily Womble (16:31)

—systemic oppression. That’s not how that works. So good awareness of those two things, but now thoughts, feelings, go. What’s coming up for you as we’re talking about this?

Taylor (16:32)

Yeah, no I gotcha.

Feeling. ⁓

Lily Womble (16:43)

So you’re having the thought, “But not for me though,” or like, “That’s nice, but it’s not true for me.” The feeling in your body is what? Anxiety or shame or something tough.

Taylor (16:46)

Yeah.

Yeah. ⁓

Fear. ⁓ Probably anxiety, yeah.

Lily Womble (16:59)

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, okay. And then where do you feel that fear and/or anxiety in your literal body?

Taylor (17:13)

My chest mostly. It’s just like tightness. And then I tend to carry a lot of tension in my neck, and so I feel like when I’m like… just like creeping up, you know.

Lily Womble (17:23)

Hmm.

Yeah, so I just want to invite you to take a deep breath.

Uhhhh.

And then when you get aware of that tightness in your chest, how tight is it? Is it like a slack line? Is it like a tight rope? Is it like a piece of steel? Like, what is it?

Taylor (17:47)

It’s like a ball. I feel like, like a clenched fist.

Lily Womble (17:52)

Okay. How clenched is it? Like nails digging into the skin on the, you know, like that kind of… Okay. Is it physically painful?

Taylor (18:00)

Yeah.

No, it just feels tight.

It’s just like holding tension.

Lily Womble (18:15)

Yeah. So I’m just going to ask you to close your eyes. Nobody’s looking at you. I’m not looking at you. Just close your eyes and breathe into the tight fist feeling in your chest.

Taylor (18:21)

Okay.

Lily Womble (18:30)

I’m gonna offer some words. You can just let them wash over you.

Hey, this is really hard right now.

And I’m having this feeling, and I’m willing to feel it to be with you. There’s nothing that you could say, do or feel that would make me want to stop being your friend.

Breathe into that feeling one more time. Do you notice, has it shifted or changed at all?

Taylor (19:06)

Feels looser.

Lily Womble (19:11)

How’s your neck doing?

Taylor (19:13)

I’m getting like, sort of like, lightness going up, if that makes sense.

Lily Womble (19:19)

Cool. That’s interesting. Have you ever had that before?

Taylor (19:22)

Not really.

Lily Womble (19:24)

Interesting, Taylor. What’s coming up for you right now? I see your brain working.

Taylor (19:34)

I just wanna like…

‘Cause I’ve had, I’ve done some of that self-talk, trying to connect it, and it feels different when it’s coming from you obviously, because I think…

When it’s still my voice, it’s still my voice. And so, like, there’s not the belief there, I guess, all the way. But I think it’s probably a matter of repetition. Like, you just have to keep doing it.

Lily Womble (20:10)

It’s also a matter of accessibility. I don’t think that you have chosen—which is understandable, normal, because our culture sort of tells us a lot of things about how to believe new things—about positive thoughts and manifestation and “you gotta have positive thoughts to bring in positive things.” And if you don’t, then you’re losing at it. And I think that a lot of people miss that trying to force yourself to believe something that does not feel true…

Taylor (20:12)

Mm.

Lily Womble (20:41)

…is toxic positivity. It’s not actually mindset. It’s not actually helping you. Like, if you wanted to get over a fence and you physically couldn’t climb the fence, or you injured yourself on the way up the fence, you wouldn’t be like, “I’m so stupid for not being able to climb this fence.” You’d be like, “Can I get a ladder over here? Can I make this more accessible for myself without judgment?”

Taylor (20:43)

Mm. Yeah.

Lily Womble (21:10)

Other people can climb this fence without the ladder—why can’t I? It’s like, they had accessibility. They did it in an accessible way for them, depending on their height, or whether they’d done it before, or whether somebody had taught them to do it before. And a lot of people—like, everybody—needs accessibility at some level. You’re no different. It’s not a mark against you that you just need to make these thoughts more accessible in order for them to feel actually true.

Taylor (21:37)

Yeah. I think I said this in one of my forms, but I have done it by myself for a long time. And I know the ways in which I protect myself to keep being able to do it. And I think there’s probably a level of like…

Lily Womble (21:47)

Yeah.

Taylor (22:01)

…vulnerability that I have to enact in order to get to where I wanna be. But it’s hard to do that when you keep getting let down. So.

Lily Womble (22:08)

Hmm. Hmm. That is hard. That would be hard.

I hear in what you wrote, like, “I hate feeling stupid.” You only feel stupid because you made this bet with yourself that you weren’t gonna feel excited this time, and it wouldn’t hurt if you didn’t—if you were let down, it wouldn’t hurt so bad if you didn’t feel so excited. Which is like… betting yourself that you wouldn’t be human.

Taylor (22:49)

Mmm.

Lily Womble (22:50)

It’s like, “If I was just a robot about this and I was totally detached from everything that I wanted, then I would feel so much better.”

Taylor (23:01)

I’m laughing specifically because I’ve had a therapist tell me that exact thing—about how I don’t like to have emotions because I hate feeling bad about things, obviously, because everyone feels that. Like no one wants to feel bad. And she specifically has used the robot example of, like, you would be a robot and then you wouldn’t feel anything. And that’s what you want. And that’s not—you can’t want to not be a human.

Lily Womble (23:17)

Sure. And I think you want that, which is understandable. I’ve talked to a lot of you. I’ve wanted that. I mean, it’s very similar to like…

“I wish I’m so busy at work, I don’t have time to take a break and eat a nourishing meal. I wish that I could just eat a pill to where I was full and I was totally nourished and I could live in this capitalistic world where I just, like, bang out more work.” Like, it’s like, we are wishing…

Taylor (23:53)

Yeah. Yeah.

Lily Womble (23:58)

…for something to remove us from our own humanity—you and me in this case, right? You’re talking about your dating life, I’m talking about my work life and some work addiction things that I’m working on, okay? I just love what I do so much. But we’re wishing to not be human in order to be less inconvenienced or to inconvenience others less.

Taylor (24:06)

Yeah.

Lily Womble (24:24)

And neither of those scenarios include our humanity or include the squishy reality that we have in front of us—that we’re just two squishy human beings who have needs and who aren’t on an arbitrary timeline that somebody else created for us. Does that make sense?

Taylor (24:42)

Yeah.

Lily Womble (24:45)

What’s coming up for you?

Taylor (24:47)

A lot of my therapy background—like, I need to be okay with having emotions sometimes.

Lily Womble (24:50)

Okay? Yeah, it’s so human of you. I actually think you would move through them faster if you weren’t judging yourself so hard for having them in the first place. Has somebody told you that?

Taylor (25:04)

Probably. No, but I feel that. Like, I resonate with that.

Lily Womble (25:10)

You totally would move through them so much faster if you didn’t have the thought, “I’m stupid for feeling this way.” And the way you release that thought is by noticing it, having a little bit of compassion for it, noticing where the feeling is in your body—of shame, like feeling stupid or feeling embarrassed, right? Where is that embarrassment in your body? And literally, we didn’t even do that for a minute, Taylor.

Taylor (25:16)

Yeah.

Lily Womble (25:38)

And the only reason it may feel more true coming from me—in terms of like, “Let’s breathe into your body. Where is it? How big is it? What shape is it? What tension level is it?”—is that you may not have practiced a more accessible way of doing that for yourself.

Taylor (25:53)

It’s funny too, because I feel like… I’ve been able to, it’s just this. It’s just like my emotions, I think around dating. Because I lost—two weeks ago I lost my iPad in a car from like a transport car because I was in Mexico with some friends for a birthday and I left my iPad there in the car. And I was like trying to figure out literally anything I could do about it. And once I had enacted a plan…

Lily Womble (26:05)

Yeah.

Taylor (26:27)

…for it, my friend was with me and I just was like, “Okay, I just need to cry for a second.” And so I was just in the airport and I had to cry. And my friend was like, “What do you need from me? Can I do anything for you?” And I was just like, “I just need to feel it for a second.” And I thought about that, and I was like, so I can do this about an iPad. But I can’t enact that for anything that I actually need.

Lily Womble (26:41)

Wow. Wow. That’s so interesting and what a great example. And you know what I hear when you say that? Okay, what I hear you saying is—it’s a little bit of an overexaggeration—what I hear you saying is, “It’s so stupid that I can’t do that for my dating life. I do it for this iPad example.” Is that resonant?

Taylor (27:12)

Yeah. That’s—yeah, I mean, that’s… it feels like this is so much less—like, it’s important, but it’s so much less important than this thing that I have been struggling with for a decade. And yet I’m like, “I just need to feel it for a second.” And then I cry. I had my little cry. And then I was like, “Okay, let’s go eat.” And it was fine. I still don’t have the iPad, it’s lost. But, like, I felt better about it afterwards, right?

Lily Womble (27:28)

That’s amazing. Yes, great.

But what I’m hearing, Taylor, and why I wanted to remark on what I hear your assumption is—which is like, ugh, you said “I can’t do it for my love life. I can’t do it for this thing that I’ve been struggling with for 10 years.” What I’m hearing is like, I have an example of something that I’ve built in another area of my life, it is directly mappable onto my love life as well. I could do it one place, so I could do it another place. Let’s go. That’s what I’m hearing. I’m hearing like, well, we can reverse engineer that.

Taylor (28:06)

There’s potential.

Lily Womble (28:08)

There is. And I think that your language that you’re using to describe the struggle in your dating life really matters. I think using words like “I can’t,” “it’s impossible,” “it never happens,” is actually continuing to perpetuate the idea that it’s a losing game—that you are a fool for continuing to play. Instead of:

“I’m a human being who wants something, and sometimes that’s really vulnerable, and sometimes I have big feelings. I have big feelings when I’m faced with disappointment. Who doesn’t? And maybe I haven’t met everybody yet.

Maybe I have relationships already that are really beautiful. You just went to Mexico with these people. This friend asked you this question, like, ‘How can I support you?’ What a dream to have a friend like that. I have relationships in my life. I can build more relationships. It might be possible that I haven’t been in all the types of relationships that I’m going to be in in this life. Might be possible that I’m not dead yet. So let’s try something new. Might be, just might be.”

Taylor (29:18)

Might be. Maybe.

Lily Womble (29:22)

How is this striking you? What’s coming up for you?

Taylor (29:28)

It feels very possible when I hear it from you. And I just wanna like…

Lily Womble (29:35)

Great.

Taylor (29:38)

…be able to do that.

Lily Womble (29:41)

Okay, what would that look like to do that?

Taylor (29:45)

I think it’s believing that those “might be possible” statements are possible, I guess. ’Cause I can say them, but I think I need to figure out how to like…

Lily Womble (29:57)

Yeah.

Taylor (30:12)

…say them and also believe that that’s true.

Lily Womble (30:15)

Great. Really easy fix—that’s just an accessibility issue. The thought is not yet accessible enough for you. You need to build a new belief. The brain needs to start practicing something that feels useful and true right now. It’s not—you mentioned earlier, “It feels like I’m trying to catch something that keeps moving, this belief that it’s possible. It keeps moving, it’s shifting, and I can’t catch on, I can’t hook onto it.” That’s because it’s not accessible enough yet. So that tells me, as your coach right now…

Taylor (30:23)

Mm-hmm.

Lily Womble (30:44)

…let’s figure out a more accessible baby step reframing. I call it…

Taylor (30:51)

Okay.

Lily Womble (30:52)

So let’s choose one thought that you really wish you believed and let’s reverse engineer it to a more practicable baby step.

Taylor (31:05)

Am I going like high-level thought?

Lily Womble (31:07)

Whatever comes to mind first, just goal thought.

Taylor (31:10)

Goal thought, okay.

Lily Womble (31:12)

What do you want to believe?

Taylor (31:18)

That I am worthy of somebody’s effort.

Lily Womble (31:31)

Cool. Okay, so that doesn’t feel true right now, I’m assuming.

Taylor (31:35)

Mm-mm.

Lily Womble (31:37)

How are you feeling right now?

Taylor (31:42)

I’ve been good this whole time, and now I might cry a little bit.

Lily Womble (31:47)

Yeah, that’s okay. That would be really normal.

So it might be okay to give yourself permission right now to have this feeling.

You can do the taxi cry.

We can pause this. Do you want to take a second?

Taylor (32:16)

No, I think I’m okay.

Lily Womble (32:19)

What do you need to give yourself right now to let your body know that you have your back?

Taylor (32:32)

I think just like… talking through it. Like, it feels good to keep talking about it.

Lily Womble (32:41)

Okay. I wonder if that’s a way to disassociate out of it.

Taylor (32:49)

Ooh. Uh-oh. No.

Lily Womble (32:54)

You didn’t do anything wrong.

Taylor (32:56)

You—

Lily Womble (32:57)

And it’s okay if a feeling rises and falls. It’s okay if something feels really intense, then you breathe into it for a second and then it sort of dissipates. But I just wonder if that’s sort of a microcosm of a bigger thing—of like, “I just need to talk through it, I’m gonna feel better by talking through it.”

Taylor (33:13)

Yeah. I think I’m saying the thing is what brings up the emotion—just saying it out loud, right? And then the further away from it that I get, the more I’m like, “Okay, but it’s okay.” Yeah.

Lily Womble (33:33)

Yeah, it is okay, right? Like, it can be really disorienting to be confronted with a thought error that you’ve practiced a zillion times.

Taylor (33:42)

Mm-hmm.

Lily Womble (33:46)

Especially if it goes against what you believe about yourself. There we have an identity issue, like identity cognitive dissonance of like, I have this thought and belief that I’m not worthy of someone’s effort. Underneath a lot of—if we looked underneath that pile of clothes over there—we’d find this secret that says, “I actually don’t feel worthy of someone else’s effort.” That feels really scary. And as it goes against my core belief about myself, that what?

Taylor (34:05)

Mm-hmm.

Lily Womble (34:16)

Is this resonating?

Taylor (34:19)

It is weird to feel that and also believe that that’s not true. Yeah, it’s like the cognitive dissonance of like, that is fully how I feel, but also like, I know that that’s not true. And it’s why I feel like I keep going, I guess.

Lily Womble (34:28)

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, it’s why you’re—I have kind of a hot take. I think that’s why. Like, you’re trying to prove that belief wrong.

Taylor (34:52)

Gimme. Mm-hmm.

Lily Womble (35:00)

…by finding somebody who proves it wrong.

Taylor (35:02)

Mmm. Yeah.

Lily Womble (35:05)

And that’s why so much power is in the hands of the people that you date and why it feels—one of the reasons it might feel—completely devastating, that they ghost or don’t follow through.

Taylor (35:11)

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Lily Womble (35:25)

Because in that scenario, they are in charge of whether or not you are worthy of someone’s effort—because they have continually proved that you’re not by their actions, in your current brain-scape.

Taylor (35:36)

Yeah. Yeah, that’s it.

Lily Womble (35:42)

Yeah, that’s why it’s so devastating. That would make sense. Makes complete sense why your brain would practice that belief in order to be safe, in order to try to protect you from further rejection.

Taylor (36:01)

Which it doesn’t work anyway.

Lily Womble (36:04)

That’s the thing about thought distortion. It doesn’t protect us from human feelings. It just has this guise of protecting us.

Taylor (36:11)

Yeah.

Lily Womble (36:18)

So my intention right now is to help you reclaim your power because you have been outsourcing to other people’s behavior. Like, they need to behave this way in order for me to believe this about myself. So we need to clean that up so that you’re more in charge and you’re less at the whims of their behavior. Your beliefs about yourself are less at the whims of their behavior.

Taylor (36:40)

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Lily Womble (37:02)

What are you thinking?

Taylor (37:04)

Just like how? Yeah.

Lily Womble (37:06)

That’s why we’re here. That’s why we’re here. Okay. So the goal thought is: I’m worthy of someone’s effort. Okay. Goal thought.

Karl Lowenstein talks about the thought ladder. Like if that’s the top of the ladder, then where you’re at currently is: I’m not worthy of someone else’s effort.

Okay, so we need to start by acknowledging that thought. We’re gonna do A-C-K. It’s like a truncated version of S-O-F-T. A-C-K. Have you tried me talking about this? Okay, cool.

A-C-K. Acknowledge. Hand on your heart, take a deep breath.

Taylor (37:34)

I don’t think so.

Lily Womble (37:44)

I’m having the thought — it sounds like — I’m having the thought I’m not worthy of someone’s effort, and that’s really hard.

A, acknowledge. Instead of being like, oops, scary thought, go away, scary thought, I hate you, don’t come back, — it will come. Like, acknowledge it. Okay?

C, compassion. What might self-compassion say to this version of you who currently has this thought?

Taylor (37:58)

Mm-hmm.

Lily Womble (38:12)

Do you know, or do you want some pitching from me?

Taylor (38:15)

I don’t think I know, yeah.

Lily Womble (38:16)

Okay, self-compassion. Sometimes I need the breakdown of the three components as defined by Dr. Kristin Neff, because sometimes I’m like, this is inaccessible, I don’t know. So it makes it really easy with the three components.

Kindness over judgment. What would kindness say?

Taylor (38:34)

My brain is telling me like, and I don’t think this is right, but the idea of like… that’s not a true belief.

Lily Womble (38:47)

Okay, we’re working with all of it. We’re blue sky solutioning. You can say anything and it’s good information for me. Like, okay, you’re having the thought, your kindness over judgment might say, that’s not a true belief. Okay, anything else?

Taylor (38:49)

Yeah. I don’t know.

Lily Womble (39:04)

Imagine you’re sitting on a park bench with your best friend.

Your best friend that says the right things, that knows what to say, that just pierces you to your soul, makes you feel so much belonging. What might they say to you about this?

Taylor (39:27)

I’d probably say that… it’s not me and that I am great and worth knowing.

Lily Womble (39:43)

Hmm. So you just naturally — what’s coming up for you?

Taylor (39:53)

It’s hard for me to do it about myself because I’m thinking, what would I say to her if it were about her?

Lily Womble (39:59)

Yeah. What would you say to her if it were about her?

Taylor (40:08)

You’re an incredible person and anyone who doesn’t want to know you is missing out.

Lily Womble (40:14)

Yeah. Yeah. It’s like fierce friend energy. And fierce self-compassion, by the way, is totally a thing. Dr. Kristin Neff wrote another book about it. It’s like that mama bear energy. And you can call upon some of that mama bear energy in self-compassion like, No, I am going to build a new belief. We’re not going to let this continue because I know that I am…

Taylor (40:20)

Yeah.

Lily Womble (40:43)

I want more for my life. We can bring in some of that fierce energy for sure. And tender self-compassion is more like the big hug energy.

And you did a beautiful thing that I don’t even think you realized was very much in line with another component of self-compassion, which is mindfulness over over-identification. Over-identification says: I am my thoughts. Uh-oh, I’m having this thought that I’m not worthy. I must not be worthy.

Mindfulness says: I’m not my thoughts. I have thoughts sometimes, but I, Taylor, am separate from my thoughts. I’m just working on a pattern. I’m learning something new, but I am a human being outside of my thoughts.

That’s one of the three components.

Kindness over judgment might also say… that’s mindfulness. The other component, kindness over judgment, might say:

It sounds really normal to struggle with these thoughts, especially if you’ve been single and the world treats single people as behind coupled people. It really makes sense why you would have this thought error that you’re unworthy, because who has taught you to be kind to yourself amidst human thoughts in your life?

Of course I’m struggling with this. Did you have a parent or a loved one who taught you how to be kind to yourself? I don’t know that I did either in the way that I needed. I don’t know that they did when they were babies, you know? Like, it’s this sort of cyclical thing. So maybe it makes sense why I’ve been struggling. Maybe it’s not a personal failing.

Taylor (42:26)

Yeah.

Lily Womble (42:38)

What’s coming up for you?

Taylor (42:40)

Specifically the personal failing thing. All of that resonates, but I think internalizing a lot of the like, I’m not doing it because I’m not enough in some way is really tough.

Lily Womble (42:43)

Hmm.

Taylor (43:03)

But yeah, it’s like small reframes, baby step reframes.

Lily Womble (43:11)

Accessibility — that’s what the whole theme of this call is. Like, how to actually build a new belief is accessibility. It’s not about, I’m failing because I don’t believe this positive thing about myself yet. That’s actually just like an accessibility issue. You need to make this more accessible and smaller in order to make huge leaps forward.

Taylor (43:19)

Hmm. Part of it, yeah. Mm-hmm.

Lily Womble (43:36)

In order to feel more powerful in your dating life, in order to depersonalize these rejections eventually — sometimes it’s because you’re human, the rejection is going to feel personal. And with these skills, you’re learning how to effectively feel that feeling and depersonalize it ultimately.

Lily Womble (43:56)

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Lily Womble (46:06)

So acknowledging — you acknowledge self-compassion: kindness over judgment, common humanity over isolation. It’s like, I’m not alone. Sometimes human beings have hard thoughts. I’m not weird for that.

And then also mindfulness: it’s like, I am not my thoughts. I have thoughts, they are not me. Okay? I need to work on my thoughts, but that’s just like, I’m working on a lot of things in my fucking life. It’s not a… you know.

Compassion. K, kind reframe. A-C-K. Acknowledge, compassion, kind reframe.

Let’s work on a baby step reframe after doing self-compassion. After acknowledging, what thought, what belief feels authentically useful and true that is a step toward I am worthy of someone’s effort?

Remember, we’re working from a lower part of the ladder and we’re building up toward the top of the ladder. In Carlo’s thought ladder framework, I think of it like baby steps.

It might be true that… It might not be impossible that… If it doesn’t feel like, give me one, and then if it doesn’t feel totally true, we’ll work from there.

Taylor (47:21)

It might be possible that my person is looking for me too.

Lily Womble (47:29)

Does that feel true? Okay, good to know. So there we have a step in the baby step. Okay. It might be possible they’re looking for me too.

What would be worthy of — what does it mean to be worthy of someone’s effort?

Taylor (47:57)

I actually don’t know.

Lily Womble (47:58)

Ooh, that’s interesting, right? The desire is to feel worthy, but what even is that? We gotta know. Let’s get to know this desire.

Taylor (48:02)

Yeah, I don’t. Yeah. I guess it’s the idea of like… somebody is putting in time to care about me, I guess.

Lily Womble (48:23)

Yeah, yeah. Huh. Mm-hmm.

Taylor (48:29)

Like I know the way that I feel in my friendships, my close friendships. Like, I know that these people care about me. That’s evident and obvious because of the way that we interact and the way that we talk to each other.

And I think that feeling has never translated to anybody that I’ve dated or tried to date.

Lily Womble (48:53)

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

So in this scenario, your brain has categorized the data of how many people have not ended up being the person for you. Your brain takes that data — it’s been eight people who’ve ghosted me — and if I were worthy, then… makes a conclusion, right? It uses that data to draw a conclusion: If I were worthy of someone making an effort for me, then someone would have made an effort for me by now. Yeah, so…

Taylor (49:06)

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Lily Womble (49:26)

What if that was the wrong conclusion from a too small data set?

Taylor (49:33)

What if?

Lily Womble (49:36)

I think that you’re really — what I see is that you’re struggling with the idea that something could change in your love life. Like you don’t believe that.

Taylor (49:43)

Yeah.

Lily Womble (49:48)

So maybe the belief that we need to start working toward is: It’s possible things can change.

Because you know in your friendships you’re worthy of making an effort. And you know that your friends are worthy of making an effort for because you connect, because you have this deep love for each other and care for each other and mutual support that you offer one another.

And my thing is, if you had met somebody who “proved” to you that you’re worthy of making an effort for, you’d probably be with them.

Taylor (49:56)

Yeah. Yeah.

Lily Womble (50:24)

Therefore, I am drawing the conclusion that you have not met your right people or person yet.

Taylor (50:30)

Yeah, I think specifically that the idea that something can change is like, I feel like that probably is the one.

Lily Womble (50:40)

I agree — something can change. Okay, so how do we make that more accessible? It needs to feel useful and true.

Taylor (50:52)

It might be possible that… I don’t know. Working towards change is useful and true.

Lily Womble (51:07)

Mm-hmm.

Taylor (51:10)

It might be possible that I am different than I was six months ago. Yes, yeah.

Lily Womble (51:17)

Is that true? Does that feel true? Cool. How is that true? Tell me. How are you different than six months ago, Taylor?

Taylor (51:24)

I found medication that actually works for me. So I feel like my mental state is a lot better than it was. And I’m living in a new apartment in a new neighborhood that I really like and I wasn’t six months ago.

Lily Womble (51:28)

So huge. My god. My god, keep going. What else is different?

Taylor (51:53)

In that friend group that I was mentioning earlier, we were having a rift in our friendship with one of the people, and we have since worked through and talked about all of that, and it is better now.

Lily Womble (52:14)

Taylor, it sounds like your entire life has changed in the last six months.

Taylor (52:21)

A lot of it has changed for sure.

Lily Womble (52:22)

Wow, that’s so cool. Some big fundamental pieces have changed in the last six months. Housing being one of them, mental health being another. That’s something that a lot of people — maybe you even as well — struggle to figure out the right things to feel better and to feel more like themselves. Like, wow.

Taylor (52:27)

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Lily Womble (52:47)

It might be true that massive change happens when I — what? Fill in the blank. What allowed you to find the right medication, to find this apartment, to heal that rift in your friendship? What belief and what feeling allowed you to keep coming back and keep trying?

Taylor (53:13)

Massive change can happen when I advocate for myself.

Lily Womble (53:18)

Mmm, okay.

Taylor (53:21)

And when I trust myself.

Lily Womble (53:28)

That’s really cool. Does that feel true?

Taylor (53:33)

Yeah.

Lily Womble (53:34)

That’s your recipe, my friend.

You’ve made a really awesome fucking cake with that recipe several times. And now you just need to trust your recipe.

And guess what happens with this recipe sometimes? The recipe metaphor won’t stand moving forward, need to pivot, but I’m still going to use it. You’re gonna have hard feelings and hard shit happen. It doesn’t make the recipe untrue.

Taylor (54:03)

Mm-hmm.

Lily Womble (54:09)

It doesn’t make you wrong, it makes you human.

Taylor (54:13)

I need to be okay with being human.

Lily Womble (54:18)

I’m learning how to be okay being human. That’s a great thought to try on. I’m learning. Ooh, ouch, shit. This ouch — this speed dating event and this person, as you shared in your application, this person said they fucking wanted to communicate and they wanted to go out. And then like, what? She like ghosts after that whole fucking conversation? And like, what?

Taylor (54:33)

Mm-hmm.

Lily Womble (54:48)

Of course that sucks. Of course you felt upset by that. Of course you felt disappointed. Of course you might’ve felt angry or whatever the fuck. That’s okay. You’re not stupid for taking somebody at their word and being a little bit—or a lot—hopeful after a great interaction with somebody you were into. You’re not stupid. They were out of alignment in their communication.

Taylor (55:00)

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Lily Womble (55:20)

What’s happening?

Taylor (55:26)

It feels true.

Lily Womble (55:27)

What? It does? That’s exciting because at the beginning of this conversation you were like, I know it, but I don’t feel it. What feels true now—what resonates now? What feels true? Tell me.

Taylor (55:33)

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

It feels true that my emotions around being let down are negative.

Lily Womble (55:58)

Mm.

Taylor (56:00)

It feels true that that can be okay.

Lily Womble (56:05)

Yeah.

Taylor (56:06)

I have to—I need to learn how to let that be okay.

Lily Womble (56:11)

Yes, yes, and catch your catastrophic thinking about it. For example, I struggle with health anxiety—I struggle with anxiety in general. I am working on it in a lot of different ways. I struggle when I have a tickle in my throat.

Taylor (56:24)

Yeah.

Lily Womble (56:35)

Not to go down the rabbit hole of like, what’s this gonna be? Will it ruin my upcoming travel? Am I gonna be able to go? Am I gonna get everybody sick? Do I need to let them know? Like, really a lot of catastrophic thinking.

And my practice—and I’m gonna pass it along to you too—is pausing. Allowing the feelings of like, ugh, I’m disappointed that I have a tickle in my throat. I don’t like feeling bad. I don’t like feeling physically down. I love feeling good. Of course I love feeling good. Right? That makes total sense.

But acknowledging that those catastrophic thoughts are not actually true. They’re just trying to keep me safe. And I don’t have to buy in today. Just moment by moment: Okay, I see you. I acknowledge you. It’s compassionate that this is your response, Lily. This is a well-worn neural pathway. You’re trying to keep yourself safe at all costs and you’re freaking out about being out of control in this one wild and precious life—in the words of Mary Oliver.

Kind reframe: I’m okay now, and I’ve always taken care of myself well. To pivot back to this present moment, drag you back into this present moment.

So instead of using this like, this person let me down, this is the eighth person that has ghosted me,—have that experience, that fucking sucks. And you need to get better at letting their shit be their shit.

Taylor (58:05)

Mm. Mm-hmm.

Lily Womble (58:06)

And not personalizing their shit. This person unmatched you—this guy that unmatched you on a dating app. We have no idea what was happening. You’re gonna be like, that fucking sucks, and whoa—that’s your shit, not my shit.

Taylor (58:17)

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Lily Womble (58:27)

And I can have feelings about it, and then I can keep it pushing, like the iPad.

Taylor (58:31)

Yeah.

Lily Womble (58:37)

What’s coming up for you?

Taylor (58:41)

I like having plans.

Lily Womble (58:43)

Cool, so what does that mean in this context?

Taylor (58:47)

Just like…

It’s always felt like even the baby step reframes have been really unattainable because they didn’t feel true. And so now, feeling like I have some that are true, I think will be helpful.

Lily Womble (58:59)

Yeah. Uh-huh, 100%. Yeah. So can you name them for me again?

Taylor (59:17)

Can I? Let’s see…

Lily Womble (59:21)

I don’t know, just choose the one that comes to mind. No need to—no pressure. You’ll have this recording as well.

Taylor (59:25)

Yeah, yeah. Okay, good, good, good. It was…

Lily Womble (59:35)

My life can massively change when I…

Taylor (59:38)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s possible that my life could change when I advocate for myself and trust myself.

Lily Womble (59:45)

And trust myself. Yeah, that is tattooable. That is Notes app home screen worthy. That is mirror-worthy. That is everywhere.

I want you to practice it out loud and often this week as much as you can. I want you to text your friends: Hey, I just did this coaching session. Here’s my new belief that I’m practicing. I just wanted to share with you—it’s really exciting.

And the drumbeat through all of this is accessibility. You’re not wrong—

Taylor (59:51)

Hmm. Okay. Mm-hmm.

Lily Womble (1:00:16)

—for not having caught onto these huge, wonderful goal beliefs yet. It’s just an accessibility issue to get there. Because the more you practice, it might be possible that my life massively changes when I trust myself and advocate for myself, the more it’ll become like, no duh, of course. That’ll become such a default.

And then one baby step forward from that could be—

Taylor (1:00:30)

Mm-hmm.

Lily Womble (1:00:42)

—something like: People show me who they are pretty quick. People make themselves apparent whether they’re right or wrong for me, and that has nothing to do with me. I’m moving forward because I’m trusting myself and advocating for myself. That’s the eventuality of this belief when you take it another step and another step and another step.

Taylor (1:01:04)

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Lily Womble (1:01:18)

How are you feeling?

Taylor (1:01:20)

Kind of excited. Like, there’s a new path, I guess, that I can try.

Lily Womble (1:01:33)

Yeah, because I don’t hear that the problem is your strategy—or like, obviously there’s mindset involved with strategy, of course. But what I’m hearing—and I just want to affirm—is: you are doing in-person dating with speed dating. You are doing app dating with intention. But I know you shut it down after this experience with this disappointment.

What might this new baby step reframe—

Taylor (1:01:57)

Mm-hmm.

Lily Womble (1:02:02)

—what feeling comes up when you practice it in your body? And then what actions might you take for your dating life after practicing that belief? So—what feelings in your body? What actions might you take when feeling that and practicing that thought?

Taylor (1:02:05)

Mm-hmm.

I had taken a pretty big step back after the most recent incidents. And it’s been a busy summer—I’ve been doing a bunch of stuff. And so I just was like, let me put it on pause for a little bit.

And you know, I had this potentiality, and so I was like, that will probably help too. I could probably try doing like another event, maybe a different event…

Lily Womble (1:02:45)

Okay. I wanna pause—what feeling happens in your body when you have the thought: It might be possible that massive change happens when I trust myself and advocate for myself. What feeling happens in your body?

Taylor (1:02:55)

Okay. I’m like afraid to say it. I don’t know if it’s—it feels like it might be true. I’m a little hopeful.

Lily Womble (1:03:02)

Okay? For those listening, Taylor is covering—

Taylor (1:03:12)

I’m like scared.

Lily Womble (1:03:12)

—covering your face. Why are you scared? Why does that scare you?

Taylor (1:03:17)

Because hope is scary.

Lily Womble (1:03:19)

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm. Because it—it what? Why? Why is it scary?

Taylor (1:03:21)

Like, it opens the potential for being let down.

Lily Womble (1:03:28)

Yeah. What if hope and disappointment were not diametrically opposed? What if you could feel hope and disappointment at once?

What if sometimes you felt hopeless and sometimes you felt hopeful—and they were both feelings, not facts? One—hopeful feeling, fun—can lead to more aligned, powerful action, can lead to shooting your shot. The hopeless feeling—it’s just a sign that you need some care—

Taylor (1:03:47)

Mm-hmm.

Lily Womble (1:04:00)

—to come back to center, to come back to your desire, to come back to self. To feel your way through a hard feeling in order to have your own back. Instead of looking at when you do feel hopeless as like a terrible, awful thing that’ll never change—it’s like, maybe this hard feeling will pass.

Taylor (1:04:17)

Yeah.

Lily Womble (1:04:22)

Really vulnerable though to hope, and vulnerability feels scary sometimes because we’re not in control.

Taylor (1:04:24)

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, and I have those issues too.

Lily Womble (1:04:32)

Me too, me too. Everything would be better if I could just control it. Everything—no, no, no, no, no. What you’re learning right now is how to surf bigger and bigger waves. That means that you’re gonna crash out potentially more when you’re learning something new. You’re gonna have moments of disappointment or despair even. Hard feelings will happen. What also happens with learning to surf bigger and bigger waves is that you’re—

Taylor (1:04:38)

If I could just control everything all the time.

Mm-hmm.

Lily Womble (1:05:00)

—access to bigger and bigger views, more pleasure, more connection, more epic experiences in this one wild and precious life—again, in the words of Mary Oliver. That’s more accessible because you’re learning how to surf bigger and bigger waves.

Taylor (1:05:17)

Yeah.

Lily Womble (1:05:20)

But I’m so excited that you feel more hopeful. That is so exciting. It’s so good to feel good. So what actions might you take for your love life when you practice the thought, It might be possible that my life changes when I trust myself and advocate for myself? That’s the new North Star in your dating life. I am going to trust myself and advocate for myself. The feeling is a little more hopeful. The actions are what?

Taylor (1:05:23)

The actions are if I’m dating events…

Lily Womble (1:05:50)

Yeah?

Taylor (1:05:53)

Like, being really upfront and honest about what kind of communication I’m looking for.

Lily Womble (1:06:01)

Cool. Sharing who you’re excited to meet.

Taylor (1:06:06)

And yeah, if I’m getting information from people that they’re maybe not meeting that need, that I need to trust that it’s okay to let that go.

Lily Womble (1:06:31)

Yes. You striving is not going to change them. They are who they are and they are making themselves apparent. They are disqualifying themselves.

And what is that doing? Knowing this is like: I can trust myself. I can advocate for myself. When I do those two things, I have evidence in my life that my life changes. I have a new apartment to prove it. I have a new state of mind to prove it. I have a new phase in my friendships that feels deeper and more connected to prove it.

The good things happen when I trust myself and I advocate for myself. And so, for that reason, I’m out of this situationship or date or moment that isn’t in alignment for me.

Taylor (1:07:20)

Yeah.

Lily Womble (1:07:21)

And what does that do? It helps you be more unbothered by those people so you can meet the right people for you and really connect with them.

Taylor (1:07:33)

Yeah.

Lily Womble (1:07:35)

Yeah!

Taylor (1:07:40)

That feels really good.

Lily Womble (1:07:43)

Good. This is the new chapter. Turning over a new page in your love life. And I would say, like, get on a fucking dating app and try. Connect with people. And whenever you come up against a hard thought and feeling, put the phone down and you know how to process it. ACK. ACK—Acknowledge, Compassion, Kind reframe. Or SOFT, to have a directed step to drop into your body.

Taylor (1:08:11)

Mm-hmm.

Lily Womble (1:08:11)

And I want you to remember the—I believe the word is propensity. I’m hopeful that I’m using this correctly. The pattern that you have.

Taylor (1:08:21)

Mm-hmm. Propensity would be correct, yeah.

Lily Womble (1:08:23)

Thank you, thank you. No, the propensity that you have to say, Just wanna talk through this feeling, instead of, Why don’t I drop into my body, breathe through this feeling? Where is it? Remember using the fist as an example—the one minute: I’m willing to feel this, to be with you. And even offering: This sucks. I don’t have to enjoy feeling this. I’m just gonna be here with you for this one minute.

Taylor (1:08:50)

Like the iPad.

Lily Womble (1:08:51)

Like the iPad, exactly. You’ve done it before, you can do it again. Yeah. But yeah, I would say, like, with this renewed energy, I want you to bring more fuck-around energy to: If I trust myself, I’m doing the right thing. If I advocate for myself, I’m doing the right thing.

Taylor (1:09:06)

Yeah, if I trust myself, I’m doing the right thing.

Lily Womble (1:09:07)

And see, yeah, there you go.

And last thing I’ll mention: you said in your application or in your follow-up, something about joy building. I’ve tried joy building, but I feel a little scared.

Taylor (1:09:20)

Mm.

Lily Womble (1:09:21)

Okay, so with this new framework, what might you do with that fear?

Taylor (1:09:28)

Feel the fear, and then do it anyway.

Lily Womble (1:09:34)

Yeah, feel the fear because that’s like saying, Hey, you’re not wrong for being afraid. This is normal in a new scenario, to feel afraid. And when we trust ourselves, we’re doing the right thing. So like, let’s go shoot the shot, or let’s go do this in-person thing.

I want you to try and do it a little scared, because these feelings are meant to be felt.

Taylor (1:09:55)

Mm-hmm.

Lily Womble (1:09:56)

They’re like poop—bodily functions. Your body’s gonna poop, hopefully. Please God, we need to have a working system to move. I’ve been there; not having a working system doesn’t feel good.

Taylor (1:09:58)

You—

Lily Womble (1:10:10)

You gotta keep the system going, which means feeling your feelings. That’s your consistent life maintenance that you’ve got to do, that you have the skills to do.

Okay, I’m so excited for you. Do you know what your best next step is?

Taylor (1:10:25)

There’s been a couple dating events that I’ve been looking at that I’ve been like, I don’t know if I want to sign up. And so I think I’m going to sign up. I’m going to trust that I can handle whatever feelings come with it.

Lily Womble (1:10:42)

Yes, Taylor. That’s really cool to hear. You’re trustworthy.

And there we have the worthiness again. You’re worthy. You’re living and breathing. You’re worthy.

Taylor (1:10:53)

Thank you.

Lily Womble (1:10:55)

Thank you. I’m so excited to hear an update. What a beautiful session. Thank you for your vulnerability and openness here. And I can’t wait to hear what comes next. Absolutely.

Taylor (1:10:56)

Thank you so much, Lily.

Lily Womble (1:11:08)

That was so good. I want to thank Taylor for showing up and sharing vulnerably and being willing to get coached. I know that so many of you resonated with Taylor’s shares and struggles. And I hope that you also resonated with Taylor’s breakthroughs and aha moments.

You are worthy of what you want. You want something. It’s not here yet. So let’s fucking go. I believe that your desire is evidence that what you want exists.

Desire is—in the words of one of my friends and colleagues, Dr. Juliana Hauser—our birthright. All of us have desires. And your desire for more in your love life, your desire to feel worthy, your desire to feel confident and self-trusting in your love life, your desire to attract more is worthy. And I believe that it is evidence that it exists—that what you want exists.

The Wright brothers—they didn’t know a plane could exist. They desired to build a plane. They went after it. They failed again and again. They went after it. They crashed. They failed, whatever. And then they built a plane. Their desire was evidence that it exists. Same, same with your love life desires. That’s what I believe anyway. That’s what I’ve seen to be true coaching over 400 late bloomers over the last eight years. And I know it’s possible for you too, to find what you want.

So let’s check in with Taylor’s follow-up and see what happened after our session.

Thanks again, Taylor. That was awesome. You are on the right track, stepping into the most powerful season of your love life and life in general. Remember everyone: good things happen when you trust yourself, when you build self-trust, and when you advocate for yourself. Even in small, imperfect ways, you’re still moving forward when you do those two things.

You’ve got this, and I’ve got your back. I’ll talk to you next week.