This episode of The Feminist Dating Show is a juicy one– I’m responding to a listener’s voicemail about feeling completely hopeless after being ghosted…

And after validating the hell out of her (because getting ghosted SUCKS), I got down to answering her question with a tactical action plan:

How do you build hope in your dating life after so much disappointment? Is it even realistic to be hopeful in this dating climate?

If these questions resonate with you, you’re going to love love love this episode.

Links:

Date Brazen on TikTok

Date Brazen on Instagram

127. My response to the question, “Will I just die alone?”

128. The questions you don’t say out loud..

139. Body image and your dating life with Bri Campos

140. My bless and release strategy for letting go

Kristen Neff, SelfCompassion.org

Simone Seol’s Joyful Marketing Podcast

Work with Lily

Main Character Dating: datebrazen.com/dating

Free Essence-Based Preferences workbook: datebrazen.com/workbook

📚 Read my book: Thank You, More Please
A feminist guide to breaking dumb dating rules and finding love. Order HERE

Follow Lily everywhere:
📺 YouTube Channel
📸 Instagram
📲 Tiktok
🌐 Website

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Show transcript:

Lily @ Date Brazen (00:00)
Hello, gorgeous friends. I am so glad that you are here, that we get to hang out every single week, and that you are intentionally focusing on creating a love life that is on your terms, that ditches the patriarchal bullshit for you and your care and your

knowledge of what you want, letting your desires take up more space in your life. Even by just like listening to this episode, you are inviting in that space. And I’m so glad that you’re here. So today we have another speakpipe voicemail from an amazing listener named Allie. And Allie shares a question about the feeling of hopelessness in her dating life and how to move through it. And I thought

This was an amazingly appropriate episode because you might be seeing people around you, you might be comparing yourself, you might be feeling hard feelings. Let this be a place where we can be real with each other and also generate some hope, some care, some belonging for you today,

Hi Lily, this is Allie. I wanted to talk about an experience I recently had that is unfortunately not a new one. I’ve been getting much better when it comes to dating at stating what I want right up front. That I’m looking for a relationship, communication is important to me, I’m ready to be committed, and making sure the other person is on the same page. And I recently had an experience where this person I met on a dating app was.

all gung-ho and on the same page and said he’s really ready for those things as well. And it was going well. And then I noticed he started pulling away and then he ghosted me. And it’s really disappointing. And you know, I’ve gotten to the phase now, which I’m glad, where I no longer blame myself and go back and analyze and and think of the things I could have done differently. And the challenge I’m having, I guess sort of saying without that happening, is I now just feel

Sad and hopeless of, well, if that didn’t work, where do I go from here? I think that’s coming from just the many times it’s happened. So I’m I’m curious about advice you have around staying hopeful and hoping that sort of this approach will work and it will eventually align with someone who actually Okay, so Allie unfortunately cut off there at the end, and I I can imagine she was gonna finish with like

How’s this gonna work? How am I gonna be hopeful that this is gonna work eventually and, you know, say, mm, yes, yes, I hear you if I’m with you, if you resonate with Allie’s share. I know that I do. I know that so many of you listening will as well, just by the nature of dating. It is so incredibly vulnerable. It is so incredibly difficult on our brains and our bodies, not even just like on the dates, like before you go on the dates, being on a dating app or

Working to date in person involves human people on a flawed resource that is very difficult. And then you add in dates, which add in a layer of unknown and lack of control, and it is so tough. So the question, the central question of this episode that Allie posed for me and us to talk about, how to stay hopeful. And I was taking vigorous notes as I do with all of y’all’s voicemails around

Like what was happening, what I heard beneath the surface, what questions I would ask Allie if we were talking. And I also want to recommend Allie that you listen to, if you have not already, listen to episode 127 of the Date Brazen podcast, quote, my response to the question, Will I just die alone? And then 128, the questions you don’t say out loud. This is giving very much that energy. So because you are speaking something so vulnerable out loud.

And it makes me kind of tear up a little bit, Allie, hearing your voice and hearing your question and knowing that you shared this to be talked about on this platform. Cause I’m really honored that you would trust me with this question and that you are here in this community. So thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. Here’s what we’re not gonna do. We’re not gonna say, ⁓ but you know, it happens when you least expect it. We’re not gonna do that. That’s the worst.

We are also not gonna say, it it’ll get better. When you meet the right person, it’ll all feel worth it. We’re not gonna do that either. Cause this is fucking hard. And I think something that coupled people do. I know that I am coupled and I hope to God to never be this person. You know, I don’t want to lose sight of your lived experience. And I think that a lot of coupled people who give advice like

it’ll happen when you least expect it, or ⁓ it’ll all be worth it when you meet the right person. They experienced trauma too. They may not have recognized, they may not have been able to say out loud. And then if they did, maybe they got in the relationship and they were like, it’s easier to disengage from that experience of difficulty than to remember it and to be real with how messy it is.

In episode 139, I had Brie Campos come on and she was talking about body grief and how we expect ourselves to just run like get to body acceptance, which we we forget that grief is this really intense like process, and that there are stages, and that those stages aren’t always linear, they are sometimes messier than that, they’re circular sometimes, like you know. So there’s grief here, Allie.

And grief is a bitch. It is hard. And I think the question, how do I stay hopeful? A lot of times I hear people ask this question, and I always wonder intuitively, is the question how do I stay hopeful? Or is the question, how could I not feel this way anymore? How can I not feel so intensely bad? Right? And there’s also an element of like hopeful.

means something to people. Hopeless means something to people. And and so examine what your brain might be making those feelings of hopeless and hopeful mean, what stories your brain is telling yourself about what feeling hopeless means.

I would venture to guess that when you say, like, I hear it’s happened often, it is difficult to see something different happening, that hopeless may feel like an intermitable sentence, like a life sentence of hopeless. And then there’s the like sort of think it and it happens, the manifestation stuff that says, like, don’t think negative thoughts, and I’m oversimplifying, but I do think that that can veer into toxic positivity really quick. This idea that

Hopeless, a feeling means something about what is possible for you. You have feelings because you’re human. Your feelings do not mean anything about you or about your future. They are feelings. Now, when you create a sort of a story around the feeling of hopelessness.

When I feel hopeless, things are hopeless. When I feel hopeless, what I want isn’t gonna happen. If what I want isn’t gonna happen right now, then it’s never gonna happen. That story can impact your actions in your dating life in a way that I want to support you through. And a feeling is not a fact, it’s a feeling. So what do you do then? You practice feeling your feelings. Now, I kinda wanna vomit giving you this advice, because like I don’t like this advice. I wish that the answer.

To your question was not, you gotta feel your way through it. I wish the answer was here’s the three steps in my formula to never feel hopeless again. Cause it sucks to grieve. It sucks to feel hopeless. It sucks to feel hard feelings. And it sucks to be rejected and ghosted. That sucks. Both and they’re feelings. They are bodily functions. We

Process them by feeling our way through them. And I like, I really highly recommend it. I also recommend you go to self-compassion.org to Dr. Kristen Neff’s website where she has free meditations. Doing a five-minute self-compassion break meditation can really be supportive in a moment of hopelessness.

What Krista Neff’s gonna tell you is what I’m gonna tell you. You’re not alone. That bringing in that common humanity, you’re not alone here. Number two, it’s not uncommon to feel this way, that kindness. It’s not uncommon to feel this way. And number three, mindfulness over over-identification. Wow, I’m having a really hard thought here. you could do the thought dump first or feel your feelings second, or feel your feelings.

Do a thought dump, then continue to be like, wow, this is ⁓ a sharper feeling now that I’ve identified the thought. The thought in your brain, I want you to put it on paper. Like, what thoughts are you having after this ghosting that feel big and dark and scary in your brain? How can you thought dump it onto a piece of paper and say, like, I’m getting to know you better right now? Let me hold you here. So

Do a thought dump, notice, like know your brain, be a loving witness to what’s happening in your brain. And release the expectation of perfection in your feelings. Dating is vulnerable. Vulnerability means showing up when you can’t control the outcome. Not having control sucks. You’re gonna have feelings about it. And engaging this work wholeheartedly, feeling your feelings, is not only gonna give you more access to the depths of the hard shit, it’s going to give you more access to the agency, the self-trust, the light shit too.

The light meaning, the exciting, the thank you more pleases of it all, right? So I want you to bless and release this idea that you have to feel hopeful all the time in your dating life for good things to happen. That’s just not true. And hope will come when you care for your nervous system first. Your brain will make this experience mean something grander than it actually means. This experience, if we look at it just like

Baseline from an outsider perspective, I can say that this person was not ready for a committed relationship. That they maybe didn’t want one with you, and that sucks. Maybe this person had a a breakdown in their mental health. Maybe this person got together back together with their ex. Maybe this person was a complicated human and they don’t mean anything about what’s possible for you. They don’t have that power. And

you get to bless and release them. So also listen to the bless and release episode that I just did. How to bless and release. Okay. So number one, I want you to do a thought dump. What thoughts am I having about this experience of ghosting? Number two, validate the shit out of yourself. That’s really hard. That sounds like self-compassion. Of course I’m feeling hopeless. Of course I’m having a hard time. And then feelings aren’t facts. And you get to feel your feelings. Feel your feelings. That means

Setting a three minute timer, maybe saying out loud, I am willing to feel anything to be with you, and noticing where that feeling is in your body, if the feeling is hopeless. Like where is that physically in your body? Is it in your heart center? Is it in your chest? Is it tight? Is it in your throat? Breathe into it. Notice it does it have a shape? Does it have a size? Does it have a color? Does it have a temperature? Like go there with yourself. Hold yourself. Give yourself that option two energy that I’m here with you. That’s really hard.

This is not self indulgent in a bad way. It’s self indulgent like you get to care for yourself.

And hope will come when you care for your nervous system. Also, feelings aren’t facts. And it’s fun to feel good. It’s good to feel good. So now, part two of this episode, let’s talk about how do you want to like how can you generate the feeling of hope? How can you generate the feeling of hope in your love life and in general? Let’s get into it.

I wonder. I believe that thoughts inspire our feelings, inspire our actions, inspire our results. That’s a flow from Brooke Castillo, who’s a life coach. She calls it the model. The the circumstance is here that this person ghosted you, right? Your thought about that maybe this is the fifth time this has happened. I’m afraid it’s always gonna happen. Then the feeling could be hopelessness.

And the actions could be I hibernate and hide, or I listen to this podcast episode, or I reach out to Lily and ask her a question, or I never date again, or I call my friend and cry, or whatever the actions are. I then I create the result of maybe hiding or maybe hibernating or like maybe getting support, like whatever it is. That’s maybe draft one. That’s what I want you to move through with ⁓ the first part of this episode. Getting to know your brain, being a loving witness. Option two energy.

I’m willing to feel anything to be with you. Then part two, draft two.

What else might be true? What is one tiny rung up the ladder? That’s a concept by Coach Carl Loewenthiel, who has the Unfuck Your Brain podcast, that our brains are gonna freak out if we try to run to the extreme opposite of like, what I want is possible. Your brain doesn’t like that. It’s not gonna believe that, because your brain’s actively trying to protect you from harm and danger. So you gotta go baby steps with your brain to build a new neural pathway here, to create the feeling of hope when it is available.

So what thought might feel useful and true right now that would inspire little baby hope? Would inspire maybe we don’t even won’t like go for hope. Maybe we go for what do you want to feel? You wanna feel calm? You wanna feel grounded? You wanna feel supported? Do you wanna feel you can put hopeful down? Like what do you wanna feel?

And then what thought would feel useful and true and might, if you believed it, inspire that feeling? Maybe the thought is, and this is I love the women that I’ve learned from so much. Simone Sowell, Joyful Marketing Podcast, she taught me the sentence structure of it might not be impossible that. It might be possible that. So this idea, it might be possible that, fill in the blank.

It might be possible that I have my own back here. It might be possible that this person does not determine what is possible for me in my dating life. It might be possible that, in the words of another coach I follow, Serena Hicks, circumstances have changed and so have I. It might be possible that I haven’t met my person yet. It might be possible that I am learning how to advocate for myself more directly.

And that that will change who I meet. It might be possible that even though disappointing things happen in my dating life, it does not mean that the relationship I desire is not on its way. What of those thoughts feels useful and true right now? Maybe even a baby step version of one of those thoughts. Maybe those thoughts feel too grandiose or pie in the sky for you. Pick what feels useful and true right now.

When it feels true, it’ll feel like, yeah, it’ll feel like sort of like a coming home, like a whoa. It’s a getting off of that seesaw of gotta be hopeful, it’s hopeless. Gotta be hopeful, it’s hopeless. The seesaw is not helpful. As somebody who has struggled with obsessive thoughts, the seesaw has ruled me sometimes. That seesaw of negative thought, extreme positive thought, negative thought, extreme positive thought. That didn’t help me. So I want to offer to you that you get to get off the seesaw with like neutralizing this. It might not be impossible that.

And you have to start with the nervous system care and acknowledging the grief in the room and acknowledging that you’re not alone and then you get to practice self-compassion and that your thoughts aren’t facts, your feelings aren’t facts, and your feelings are valid. Let’s feel them together. Then you can ask yourself, what else might be true? So in practice, this could look like three to five minutes of feeling the hopelessness when it comes up. that sucks. I’m feeling hopeless. Where is that in my body? it’s in my chest, it’s tight.

It’s like tightrope. It’s so tight and there’s like feet on it. It’s like I’m hanging off of it. I’m gripping, like whatever image your brain conjures up. And then, like feel those feelings. Inevitably, when you pay attention, they’re gonna get more intense. I’m willing to feel anything to be with you. Ride with yourself here. Then inevitably when you give yourself time, when you practice breathing into it, when you notice it, it’s going to shift and change. You’re giving yourself the loving parental support that you need.

And then you will have the availability to say what else might be true. What might be useful and true in this moment that I could practice that feels available and feels a little more like I want to feel. And then practice that thought out loud. Whatever that thought is. And then one day soon that thought will feel true when you practice it. If it feels accessible when you start practicing, it’ll inevitably feel like, yeah, second nature. I can’t tell you how many thoughts. Like the thought I trust myself, still in progress for me, honestly.

That was like progress, like there was zero progress on that thought three years ago or four years ago. I did not know how to access that thought. So I had to start with, it might not be impossible that I make good decisions for myself. And then that started feeling true, true, true, 100%. Then it was like, I make good decisions. And then it was I ⁓ trust.

that I’m gonna be okay, or I I sort of trust myself, or I am learning how to trust myself. And then it was I trust myself. And then it was I unequivocally, unconditionally trust you, Lily. And that creates a feeling of calm and hope. And that is I love when I feel that way. It inspires amazing actions and amazing connection with myself and other people. And I don’t expect perfection out of my brain.

I know that I do vulnerable creative things all the time. And so my brain is going to have a big reaction to those things that sometimes serves me thoughts like, what you want isn’t possible. It’s not gonna happen. You should just pack it up. Nobody wants what you have to say. Blah bah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. And with this work, I’ve been able to say, catch it and be like, wait, thoughts not facts. I I’m having a lot of human thoughts. Let me care for my nervous system and then ask myself what else might be true.