165. How to start dating as a "late bloomer"
This episode is for you if you think you are “behind” in your dating life. Lily is going to teach you how to start dating with confidence. Your “lack of romantic experience” is not a dealbreaker for finding love.
If you’ve never been in a relationship…
If you’ve never been kissed…
If you’ve never had sex…
There’s ZERO wrong with where you’ve been. There’s only the invitation waiting in front of you to build what you want NOW and move forward.
Don’t NOT go to the party because you’re afraid you’re too late. The best stuff happens at a party once it’s started, anyway.
Hot-takes from this episode:
“If you believe that your lack of experience is embarrassing, then that is holding you back from finding love on your terms.”
“The idea of being a late bloomer rushed me into dating to “fix it.”
“Your assumed late-bloomer status does not have to be your identity.”
Neutralize your dating history with self-compassion. History does not mean anything about what is possible.
Build a strategy that honors your power
Bring on a community that supports the hell out of you
Links:
Transcript:
[00:00:00] Lily: Hello, gorgeous friends. Welcome to another episode of the date brazen podcast. I'm so glad that you're here before we dive into today's episode. I want to share a little story and experience from a recent brazen breakthrough member who shared what it's like to be inside this program. What results she's seen inside of this program.
[00:00:21] Her name is Ellie. She's a badass. And I can't wait for you to hear her thoughts on the brazen breakthrough because we are opening our doors in the brazen breakthrough for new clients starting October 17th for all those who register for my free live training, creating a confident and joyful as fuck dating life that makes the right relationship inevitable and then opening for everyone else on October 19th.
[00:00:47] So. If you have heard about the brazen breakthrough, if this is your first time hearing about it, this program is a feminist as fuck 12 month experience where you will create that confident and [00:01:00] joyful as fuck dating life that makes the right relationship inevitable with all of the speed, with all of the community and with all of the coaching so that you have everything you need To not only find, but be in the best relationship of your life with yourself and with your future amazing partner.
[00:01:17] So again, we're opening the doors to all who register for the live training on October 17th and opening the doors to the brazen breakthrough for everyone else on October 19th. So listen to Ellie's story, feel out this invitation in your body, and I can't wait to see you on October 17th.
[00:01:37] Ellie: Hi, I'm Ellie.
[00:01:38] I've been doing the program since the end of March of 2023. And I kind of decided to sign up after like listening to a bunch of the podcast, seeing a bunch of TikToks. But the thing that really pushed me over the edge was like a woman in some kind of coaching call say she feels like everything is working out in all the areas of her life.
[00:01:56] She's confident in her job. She's doing all this great stuff, but [00:02:00] it's just dating that is like. Left for her to figure out and that is exactly how I feel. I'm like on the outside. I'm like a very successful young woman and I just feel like I feel it less now, but I was feeling like a failure because I have like, such little dating experience and everything.
[00:02:18] So. Yeah, this has gotten me to go on a lot more dates in a way that I feel like happy and comfortable and confident about, but more than that, like, just my mindset around, like, everything in my life has changed. So I'm really grateful for it. It's been like, better than I ever imagined it would be. I kind of think of your 2 phrases as a pair in my mind.
[00:02:38] What's meant for you won't pass you by and you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. I think for so long I was talking to people on apps who I was like, okay, well, they kind of have similar interest to me and they liked me. So I guess I should at least see what's happening because what if they're it?
[00:02:56] And I like. let them go because I didn't give them a chance. And [00:03:00] then I would be like, paralyzed by not knowing what to say, I felt. And I just feel more like, free now. I'm like, I can't make a wrong move because every move I make is gonna like, land me with my person. I'm on this like journey this year. It started with hiring a financial coach.
[00:03:18] I kind of spend a lot of money on her, which I hadn't done before, but it worked out so well. And then as that was coming to an end, this opportunity with date brazen kind of popped up. And I was like, you know, it's a chunk of money and an investment in myself. And I was like, you know what, I'm just going to do it.
[00:03:36] Cause it worked out well this last time. And I just feel like. Something this year is like calling me to dive in to things like this. I'm like, it's worked out.
[00:03:52] Lily: Hey, I'm Lily Womble, former top matchmaker and founder of Date Brazen. After setting up hundreds, I realized that with coaching, women could match themselves [00:04:00] better than anyone else ever could. With my unconventional feminist approach, I've helped women around the world build courageous and self trust filled love lives.
[00:04:07] And now, I'm here to support you. Get ready, because I'm about to show you the exact steps you need to attract a soul quenching partnership. And feel amazing about yourself along the way. This is the date brazen podcast. Hello, gorgeous friends. Here's a question that I have for you. Have you ever heard the dating advice?
[00:04:25] You just need to love yourself more to find a partner. Have you ever heard that? I'm here to tell you, with all due disrespect, that is not it. I think that we all can up our self love, right? We're humans who've been socialized within a patriarchal society. Of course, we need more self love, both and. That's lifelong work and why I love therapy.
[00:04:48] Whether you're single or coupled, the answer to your coupled friends finding their partners wasn't that they just loved themselves more. That's not it. I think the problem with that advice is [00:05:00] that it's somehow blaming you for not doing enough to attract love. It's saying that your soft, squishy, human imperfection is somehow hurting your chances of finding the right partner.
[00:05:11] And if you had somehow loved yourself perfectly or enough, you would have found love by now. And that constant pressure and self blame of like, it's just that you just haven't loved yourself enough. It's exactly why dating feels so shitty. And impossible and it's time to release yourself of that pressure because I know that the answer to finding the love of your life isn't improving yourself all the time and just loving yourself harder.
[00:05:37] The answer to finding the right relationship, making it inevitable is boldly showing up for your own desires. Boldly asking for what you want, allowing yourself to be imperfect in the process and celebrating yourself at every step of the journey. You don't need to love yourself harder. You need a space where you can exhale [00:06:00] with a community of badasses who get you and you need a dating strategy that is aligned with your power and humanity.
[00:06:08] And that's why I am so freaking excited to invite you to my live training on October 17th, where I'm going to give you an. actionable, science backed way to create a hopeful, magnetic, joyful in person and online dating life without the constant pressure or hustle and all of the self celebration. If you heard that and thought, Oh my God, I want this kind of dating life, then And this training on October 17th will change your life.
[00:06:38] It is called creating a confident and joyful as fuck dating life that makes the right relationship inevitable. And in this hour together, I'm going to share how to create a fiercely confident as hell dating life without the self blame, anxiety, and burnout. You are going to learn how to be your human self.
[00:06:54] And make the right relationship inevitable by showing up harder for your desires. It's [00:07:00] October 17th at 6 p. m. Eastern on Zoom. And you can save your spot at datebrazen. com slash joy. And the link to join us is also in the description of this episode. I can't wait to see you there.
[00:07:16] If you have never been in a relationship. If you have never been kissed, if you've never had sex, if you think you are behind in any way in your dating life, then this episode is for you. In this episode, I'm going to teach you how to start if you have constantly been blaming yourself for being behind.
[00:07:37] Okay, you're going to learn how to start dating with confidence in this episode. I'm here to tell you that your lack of romantic experience is not a deal breaker in any way for you finding love. I hear so many clients, so many potential clients saying things like, if I, Reveal on a date that I haven't had a relationship before, and I'm 35, and what does that mean [00:08:00] about me, and is somebody going to reject me because I haven't been in a relationship before, and what does that say about me, right?
[00:08:04] That spiral thought pattern that keeps you in isolation, and keeps you stuck, and keeps you feeling shame. Because you have this thought, I should have figured this out by now. I should have been ahead by now. I should have been in love by now. I should have had sex by now. It's weird that I'm behind. All of my peers have excelled in their love lives.
[00:08:26] You know, I'm gonna say this. You haven't found a relationship yet. You haven't been in a relationship yet, if that is you, because you haven't settled. Period. What if that became your thought instead of, Oh, self blame. I'm the reason I haven't found love and I'm behind all the time, right? What if you just haven't settled yet, and this is your opportunity to start taking action in a way that attracts somebody who would be the opposite of settling?
[00:08:51] If you have a belief that your lack of experience is embarrassing, then that is what is holding you back from taking action and [00:09:00] finding love on your terms. It's what's keeping you paralyzed. And I used to... Be you, if that is you, if that resonates. Like, I didn't date much. I had this constant story that in my head that I wasn't attractive enough, that I was too much, too sensitive, too bossy, too loud, too, like, I grew up in the deep South.
[00:09:21] So it was like, I'm too liberal. I'm too progressive for most people. And that was fine with me, but it just perpetuated this, like, I'm weird. In my context, I'm gonna be alone again. That was fine for me. I would rather be alone than settle both. And there was this sneaky underlying belief that I had that it was never gonna happen for me.
[00:09:43] I had a high school boyfriend. I write a lot about this in my book that comes out next year, which I'm so excited to share more with you about later. But I I had this high school boyfriend and I was deeply in love. I was like decidedly gonna marry him. Like all these things deep South Christian [00:10:00] love waits period of my life, which I'm also glad that I escaped from.
[00:10:05] And when that relationship ended, he literally broke up with me telling me your quote too much. Like literally affirming my deepest, darkest fear in relationships. And so I responded by making my needs smaller, by making myself smaller, by shrinking my personality when around people I was attracted to, to try to be more appealing.
[00:10:29] And that led to really crappy dates, really toxic situationships, where I was putting up with so, so little. I had sex for the first time in my mid 20s. And I felt perpetually behind in that area, too. I remember moving to New York and being a virgin, you know, and like having this fear that I would be found out in my dating life and that immediately somebody would look at me with scorn and be like, what's wrong with you that you haven't had sex yet or you haven't.
[00:10:58] Whatever, right? Like [00:11:00] that fear of rejection in person in that way on a date was so terrifying that I overcompensated for it. And that meant that, like, I haven't thought about this in a while, but like, when on a date and The guy asked me over to his place and I said no and then I like changed my mind and then, you know, like got myself into some situations that I would not repeat that did not feel emotionally or physically safe sometimes because of my own internalized shame that I'm behind.
[00:11:33] I've got to figure this out. I've got to fix it. That guy. I'm really glad that he goes to me and I'm really glad nothing happened beyond that because it would have been. A whole thing, but I digress like the experience of being a quote late bloomer in my love life only perpetuated me settling like the idea that I'm a late bloomer and that means something about my identity as a person in my dating life perpetuated me settling because I just wanted to fix it.
[00:11:58] But the just rushing [00:12:00] in to fix it didn't work either. So what are you gonna do? That's why I'm so glad you're listening to this episode. And, uh, I think this is also perpetuated by being the only friend in your group that is single, right? Becoming the single friend, the making your dating life the butt of every joke, the like feeling of loneliness when your friends are talking about their, you know, celebrations in their life and are not making room for your celebrations.
[00:12:27] Because your celebrations don't include like a romantic partner or a baby, that's deeply painful and hurtful and hard. And I also know that this is figureoutable. You're like, the love life that you want is completely figureoutable. Your late bloomer status doesn't have to be your identity. Like the perceived late bloomer status, I mean, does not have to be your identity.
[00:12:52] When you learn the skill of self compassion that you knew I was going to say it, you knew I was going to say self compassion, self compassion is the skill that I want to pass [00:13:00] along to you. If you identify as a late bloomer, if that identification or that label has triggered a lot of feelings for you or a lot of shame or embarrassment or fear, self compassion is the solve.
[00:13:12] And when you match self compassion with building a dating skills arsenal of how to date online, With all of the bragging and all of the self celebration, when you learn how to date in person with all of the confidence and all of the in progress celebration for yourself, self compassion plus a dating strategy aligned with your power right now leads to you moving forward.
[00:13:42] Because here's the deal. The right person doesn't care that you haven't dated before. I hope that's obvious, but I'm just going to say it if it's not obvious like the right person is a looking for you to and B is not going to care if you haven't had sex yet or haven't found love yet. Like haven't been in a relationship yet.
[00:13:58] The right person is not going to [00:14:00] care because they're going to be like, Oh my God, the best case scenario person is in front of me. They're going to be so excited that you cross their path that you're tomorrow Like, lack of dating experience is not going to matter like you think it will. I think that what you may have been doing, what I did, as a person who identified as a late bloomer and had a lot of shame around it, is that I centered that in my dating story.
[00:14:26] I centered that in my identity as a person who was dating, and that led to actions that were rooted in me feeling less than. When, like, yeah, you haven't had as much experience as your friend in their dating life or in your dating life. What if that was okay? What if that was a neutral circumstance? Self compassion allows that to become a neutral circumstance.
[00:14:48] Of course I have big feelings about it. Of course I have struggled with this, both and. This is just something that I'm working on in my life. Like, people work on a lot of different [00:15:00] things in their life. It doesn't mean anything about you that you haven't found love yet. It just means that you haven't settled and that you get to move forward now.
[00:15:07] There's nothing to fix about your singleness. There's only growing into your desires more, allowing them more. I hear a lot of people in my sphere, especially those who haven't dated much, or who have identified as a late bloomer, say things like, I just haven't found what I want yet, and what does that mean about me?
[00:15:25] Like, you're making that the center of your dating identity, so just neutralize it, right? You may be late to the dating party, like, late, what is late? Here's the deal. Have you ever been to a party? There's a party happening, and you want to go, and you are running a little bit late because you're getting ready, and you're like, having fun with your friends, and you may be pre gaming, or you're like, watching your favorite TV show, or you're like, Binging, uh, The New Love is Blind, and you're like, Oh my God, I just have to finish these three episodes.
[00:15:51] Or Great British Bake Off. These are two shows that I have been indulging in in the last week. And You Show Up Late to the Party. The party is so much more fun [00:16:00] when you show up a little bit later than the start time. The lights are dim, it's not like you show up and there are like five people there, like, you know, mingling about, being like, how long is this party gonna be?
[00:16:08] You show up when it's happening, and it can be more fun, because you get to go in, and like, allow yourself to be yourself, and run around and flirt around, and flit around, and be like, hey, hey, hey, hey, the best part of the party happens when it's already started. So don't let your like late bloomer status keep you from taking action.
[00:16:27] So here's what to do. I've already sort of touched on this. Here's what to do to start dating, especially if you have identified as a late bloomer. Number one, neutralize your dating history. The right person is looking for you to both. And if you have hard feelings around being a quote, late bloomer or identifying as a late bloomer, like shame, you got to process that shit with self compassion.
[00:16:51] Don't push it away. Like, that's what leads to that vicious cycle seesaw brain. I call it where on one end of the seesaw. You have like, it's too [00:17:00] late for me. Nobody's going to want to be with somebody who hasn't had Experience or hasn't ever been in a relationship before. I'm in my mid thirties. I'm in my forties.
[00:17:08] I haven't been in a relationship. Nobody's going to want that. That's on one end of the seesaw. The other end of the seesaw is shut up. No, you're wrong. It could happen. It could happen that like toxic positivity, aggressive, opposite voice. And then it goes like back and forth on the seesaw. The reason why you haven't been able to properly move forward, like and take action in your dating life.
[00:17:27] If those feelings have been, if you've been swimming in those feelings is because you haven't just, you haven't neutralized your circumstance yet. You haven't neutralized that like, yeah, I have dating history. It hasn't been what I had hoped and I'm moving forward. It's a thought, not a fact. that the right person will be turned off.
[00:17:46] Like that's a thought, not a fact. Neutralize your dating history. You have dating history. Even if that's just history of crushes, even if that's history of misconnections, you have a dating history and that dating history does not mean [00:18:00] anything about what is possible. Especially because there's nothing to fix.
[00:18:04] There's only growth. Having somewhere to grow to just means you're human. It doesn't mean you're broken. That's number one. Neutralize, neutralize the, the, I'm a late bloomer of it all. Neutralize it with self compassion. Number two, build a dating strategy that honors your power. So that means that instead of swimming in the feelings of shame, like process those, instead of letting that shame be the fact of your dating life of like, oh, I've got to hide.
[00:18:29] What if. You got to center your desire in your dating efforts without making it mean that you're behind. Like, what if everybody is weird, everybody is awkward, everybody doesn't know how to do this, everybody feels vulnerable as hell about this, you are not alone. And what if you got to own all of your essence based preferences?
[00:18:48] What if you got to date online with all of the boundaries? And all of the self trust and none of the mind drama of, like, saying no to the wrong person. What if you really trusted your [00:19:00] gut? What if you had the tools to date in person with confidence? What if you knew how to approach people imperfectly?
[00:19:09] What if you didn't make bumbling efforts? mean that you're bad at dating? What if it just meant that you're human at dating? And then number three, bring on a community that supports the fuck out of you. This could be a co conspirator that you bring on, a friend who you're like, let's do intentional dating together.
[00:19:29] It could also mean joining my program, the brazen breakthrough, which is full of the most feminist, badass, high achieving humans who are moving forward in their dating lives together. On their own terms in community and belonging in celebration of each other. Those three things, neutralizing your dating history, building a strategy that honors your power and bringing on a community that supports the fuck out of you is exactly what will take you from swimming in the late bloomer stuckness.
[00:19:59] [00:20:00] Two, that doesn't mean anything about what's possible for me. I am moving forward on my own terms. I am finding love on my own terms, period. There's nothing to fix. There's only growth. If that resonates with you, then you are definitely going to want to come to my live training on October 17th called Creating a confident and joyful as fuck dating life that makes the right relationship.
[00:20:17] Inevitable in it. I'm going to teach you my dating framework to go from swimming in the late bloomer overwhelm of it all to I've fucking got this. It will be simpler than you think. It will be more fun than you think. And it is figureoutable. And I'm going to teach you how the right relationship is figureoutable.
[00:20:37] And I'm going to teach you how to attract it with more ease, more joy, more confidence than you thought possible. Because what you want is possible. And I am over here in Brooklyn, believing it for you until you can believe it for yourself. Come on to my live training on October 17th. If you want to take the next step in your dating journey into your power, into your worthiness, into your [00:21:00] most confident badassery to reflect the other parts of your life that are also brilliant.
[00:21:04] This is about creating a dating life that like feels aligned with the rest of your life that is as powerful as brilliant. Come on. Datebrazen. com slash joy to save your spot. You can also go to the description of this episode. The really exciting thing about this live training is I'm going to share my anxiety relieving dating framework.
[00:21:22] I'm going to show you exactly step by step how to make the right relationship inevitable with more joy, more ease, more power. And you are going to be the first, those who register are going to be the first to be invited into the Brazen Breakthrough, which is my proven feminist as fuck program to drench your dating life and belonging and make the right relationship inevitable with ease and with all of the speed.
[00:21:44] So you're going to get an invitation to join us inside of the brazen breakthrough. If you register, you'll be first to be invited. And then if you are like, Ooh, I want to join the brazen breakthrough. If you're feeling it, if you feel like your body is telling you to join us, if self trust is [00:22:00] telling you to join us, then all of those who register who.
[00:22:04] Join us inside the brazen breakthrough will get a live exclusive bonus with me called the thank you more please workshop where I'm going to teach you how to use the thank you more please framework and challenge to attract a juicy as fuck, joyful as fuck date within 30 days of joining us inside the brazen breakthrough, you're going to allow that shit to drop into your lap because of the confidence that you're building the self trust that you're building and the Outro Momentum that you're gathering by taking empowered, imperfect action forward.
[00:22:34] So register for the training. You will be first to be invited into the Brazen Breakthrough. And if you join us within 48 hours of that training in the Brazen Breakthrough, you will get the exclusive Thank You More Please challenge live with me where I'm going to coach your face off. In addition to the live training, in addition to 12 months of the brazen breakthrough.
[00:22:52] I can't wait to see you on October 17th. I can't wait to hear your thoughts on this episode. Start dating. Give it a [00:23:00] try with this framework. You've got this and I've got your back. Talk to you soon.