182. My Qualifying/Disqualifying questions strategy so you never go on a bad date again
Have you ever wondered what questions to ask when you first meet someone? This week, Lily unpacks why qualifying/disqualifying questions are the ultimate game-changer and can transform your dating experience from emotionally exhausting to intentional and amazing.
In this episode, Lily shares the ONE question that will revolutionize how you vet potential partners, ensuring you never waste time on lackluster dates and conversations again. Drawing from the program, The Brazen Breakthrough, and her upcoming book, Thank You, More Please, A Feminist Guide to Breaking Dumb Dating Rules and Finding Love, you get the tools and mindset needed to navigate the dating landscape confidently.
Grab your notepad because this episode isn't just about strategy - it's a journey into reclaiming control of your dating narrative and steering towards the relationships you truly desire.
Episode Hot-takes and topics:
“Give yourself permission to want what you want and start showing up for what you want in your life.”
Qualifying/Disqualifying questions lead to higher-quality dates: you don’t need to cast a wide net. You need to be very specific about the type of person you seek.
“Most people are going to be wrong for you. You are for the few, not the many.”
Stop sending bespoke messages and extending unnecessary emotional labor
Q/D questions that get deeper than surface-level convos allow you to vet people quickly
Ask the right questions and tune into your body to see how the answer makes you feel. You want to feel intrigue or curiosity or excitement. If you don’t, bless and release. .
Other Q/D questions we LOVE and Questions we DO NOT love when you're first texting
Links:
Pre-order Lily’s upcoming book, Thank You, More Please!
Creating a Confident and Joyful-as-fuck Dating Life That Makes the Right Relationship Inevitable
Show transcript:
[00:00:00] Hello, gorgeous friends. Welcome to another episode of the date brazen podcast. I'm so glad that you're here. I have a really special episode for you today that is going hard into the strategy that you need to quickly vet people so that you never go on a mediocre or bad date again, so that you propel yourself forward.
[00:00:22] into the right dates into ultimately the right relationships for you or relationship for you. This episode is going to take you deep into one of my favorite strategies from my program, The Brazen Breakthrough. And from my upcoming book, Thank You, More Please, A Feminist Guide to Breaking Dumb Dating Rules and Finding Love.
[00:00:44] And so I want you to bring out your notes app or a piece of paper and a pen. I want you to get ready to take notes. This will be an episode that you can, and I think would. Really benefit from listening to a second time just to let it sink in [00:01:00] because this is not only getting into the strategy, but the mindset that you need to navigate the dating world in a way that actually propels you forward instead of becoming the victim of dating at burnout or dating app exhaustion like this strategy is going to help you get in control, get in the driver's seat of your dating experience so that you could find the best people for you quicker.
[00:01:24] Okay, so we are getting into, when this episode airs, it's February 6th, 2024, and we're getting into the Valentine's Day of it all. We're getting into the, I don't know how you feel about that holiday, I want, I will talk about that more in another episode, the holiday of Valentine's Day. And what to do about it if it stresses you out, but, and I wanted to come on here and support you with this episode.
[00:01:51] And also I want you to be prepared this year to meet the right people for you and ultimately [00:02:00] make the right relationship inevitable this year. I really, in this podcast, I am serious about your desires. I am so serious about you getting what you want in your love life. I think that there's this sneaky, this cognitive dissonance that might be happening in your brain as a bad ass feminist human that says, Oh, I don't need a relationship to be whole.
[00:02:23] Why do I want one so badly? And then you end up. Either blaming yourself for wanting a relationship or you shut down that desire for a relationship because you're afraid of what it means about you. And I'm here to tell you that your desire for the right romantic relationship doesn't mean anything about you, but that you're human and that you're on this planet and that you have a desire.
[00:02:45] And that I believe I'm over here in Brooklyn, believing that your desire for more is evidence that more can exist. And so my job this year with the date brazen podcast, with every single thing that I do with my book, with my live trainings [00:03:00] is to help you make the right relationship inevitable this year to help you believe your own desire and to take aligned, massive, messy, courageous action to attracting it.
[00:03:12] Because you deserve, I want you to get what you want. And so in that vein of getting what you want, I have a live free training coming up on February 15th that is going to help you get in the mindset and action steps to make the right relationship inevitable this year, to get in the driver's seat of finding love, to get in the driver's seat of realizing your desire for the right relationship.
[00:03:36] It's going to give you the tools and the mindset to make that happen. It is called creating a confident. and joyful as fuck dating life that makes the right relationship inevitable. It is totally free. I am going to coach your face off inside and it is February 15th and inside we are going to coach on how to relieve the overwhelm and exhaustion in your dating life so you can [00:04:00] actually move forward.
[00:04:00] I'm going to teach my anxiety relieving plan of action that will have you on the best dates of your life quicker. And you'll also learn how to make dating apps optional and how to meet someone in person. I'm going to teach you all of this in this live training on February 15th. This is also when the doors to my proven 12 month program, the brazen breakthrough open, and you'll learn more about that.
[00:04:25] You'll get a sense of whether or not this program is right for you and you can sign up and save your seat for that training at date brazen. com slash. joy, J O Y date brazen. com slash joy. And when you sign up, you'll get a confirmation email. You'll get some preparation materials some prep emails to really get your head in the mindset of getting what you want this year.
[00:04:48] And I cannot wait to see you there on February 15th. The link is again, day brazen. com slash joy. This episode is brought to you by that live training. And with that. Let's [00:05:00] get into this episode all about how to vet people quickly.
[00:05:10] Hey, I am Lily Wove former Top Matchmaker and founder of Date, brazen. After setting up hundreds, I realized that with coaching, women could match themselves better than anyone else ever could. With my unconventional feminist approach, I've helped women around the world build courageous and self-trust, build love lives, and now I'm here to support you.
[00:05:27] Get ready 'cause I'm about to share the exact steps you need to attract a soul quenching partnership. And feel amazing about yourself along the way. This is the date brazen podcast. So in this episode, I am going to take you through my strategy to vet people really quickly. This strategy has been built over the last eight years, starting when I was a professional matchmaker, setting up hundreds of dates for hundreds of clients, having thousands of phone calls with potential dates for my clients.
[00:05:56] And if you've been listening to the date brazen podcast for a while, [00:06:00] some of this will feel familiar. And if you are a new listener, welcome. Hey, glad you're here. And whether either you, whether you've been listening for a while or you've just started, this episode has something really important for you and your dating life.
[00:06:15] So get ready to take notes. Like I said at the beginning of this episode, because we're going deep, we're going deep really quickly. And I want you to get the most results possible from this episode, because I know that this strategy can be really powerful when I talk about vetting people quickly, I'm talking about qualifying disqualifying questions.
[00:06:33] So in my dating strategy that I teach my braids and breakthrough clients that I'm sharing in my book. Thank you. More please. A feminist guide to breaking down dating rules and finding love, which is On preorder right now everywhere books are sold there is a there's a flow to my strategy and this is what has helped so many of my clients find the best freaking relationships of their lives with joy and self confidence along the way.
[00:06:58] So first, you [00:07:00] got to start with knowing your essence based preferences, right? So essence based preferences are not a rigid checklist, and they're not an open minded pile of mush. They're in between those two things. They're the love life vocabulary that when you know how to describe your essence based preferences, how it feels to be in the right relationship, what the personality traits and values are, how your logistical preferences feel like when you know these things.
[00:07:28] You can then effectively communicate what you want and you can be open to being surprised by the right person. It's subtle proofing, right? So that's the beginning of the strategy. If you don't have your essence based preferences yet, then I really want to encourage you to start building them. And there's a free 14 page complete guide where you can get the guide to creating Essence Based Preferences.
[00:07:50] In the description of this episode, there is a free guide all about how to create your Essence Based Preferences. And when you sign up for that guide, you'll get it immediately and you can dive in and claim [00:08:00] them. So that's the beginning. I like to think of it as like the mouth of the river. Is that the word?
[00:08:04] I don't know. The beginning of the river. And then down river from your Essence Based Preferences, you can choose your qualifying disqualifying questions. that you can use to vet people on whether or not they have your desired essence based preferences. Do they make you feel the way you want to feel? At least in the beginning at a level one basis, right?
[00:08:25] When you're just getting to know somebody, you're looking for the level one. Do they meet my essence based preferences, EBPs? And you know that by asking the right questions, qualifying, disqualifying questions. Now, that's a river that flows in this strategy. Everything comes from your deeper desires, your essence based preferences.
[00:08:42] Then from there, we create QD questions. Then from there, if you're in the Brazen Breakthrough or you pre order my book, you will then learn how to create an in person strategy and a dating app strategy to attract the best dates of your life with. This flow, right? So everything is deeper than surface level.
[00:08:59] [00:09:00] Today. We're zeroing in on qualifying disqualifying questions because I don't think that enough people are using them. And I think that a lot of people are using them wrong. So we're going to get into it. Let's start with a mindset first. I think a lot of folks that I run into on TikTok or Instagram, a lot of folks who start working with me are asking the wrong questions because they're afraid that what they want doesn't exist.
[00:09:27] So they're asking very surface level questions. With the thought I need to, some people have the thought I need to lure them into a conversation with me, or I need to prove to them that I'm witty enough or cute enough in this messaging conversation to hook them in, right? This underneath there's an assumption that you need to perform an extraordinary feat of excellence.
[00:09:53] And you need to perform an extraordinary feat of hilarity to hook people in because then there's also the thought there are [00:10:00] way too many people. I don't stand out enough, right? So if that's you, just know that you're not alone. And that's a very normal thing to be like asking questions from a Place of fear and scarcity, and that doesn't have to be your status quo.
[00:10:16] Cause then what happens is that you become the victim of this scarcity mentality and this really tangled web of trying to perform a certain way to hook people in. And then when it doesn't work, when you don't get matches, or you don't get messages back, or you don't get, then you internalize that and make it about you doing something wrong.
[00:10:36] When the questions that you ask should just be an expression. Of how awesome you are and how sure you are that you're the shit because you are. And what's magical about that is that the right people will be attracted to you asking bold questions because they too are looking for something deeper than surface level.
[00:10:59] I [00:11:00] think that's what so many people are struggling with asking surface level questions is this idea that the right person that they're not assuming that the right person is also looking for them. They're assuming that they have to do all the work and they have to do all of the asking and they have to do all of the muscling.
[00:11:17] And there we come to another way that the patriarchy has screwed up how we find love, which is again, what I talk about in every single chapter of my book. Which is the idea that, especially for folks who are socialized as women, that you need to do all of the emotional labor, all of the caretaking, all of the working to get what you want.
[00:11:41] That is a very old story that has been socialized. It was socialized into me. being raised in the Deep South, like I was taught that if people around me were not literally cared for with a water, with a snack, with a, if they were not cared for, then I was not doing a good enough job [00:12:00] as a human being.
[00:12:01] If people around me were uncomfortable, then I was doing something wrong as a human being, as a young woman being raised in the Deep South or being I know that isn't just the Deep South. And look, this is. I carry so much immense unearned privilege as a white woman. I know that for women of color, black women, brown women, this problem of being socialized to caretake in order to survive is even more intense.
[00:12:28] And so this. Is something that you need to excavate if you are struggling with the thought of asking deeper qualifying, disqualifying questions or being bolder in your dating life with your question asking, I want you to be curious about why that might be the case and to excavate some of these deep questions.
[00:12:48] Bye. Bye. Burr seeded issues around caretaking around the fear of what you want not existing or the fear of showing up fully for fear that someone else not wanting you or someone else [00:13:00] rejecting you would mean something about you. Get curious about it. This shit is a microcosm of every hope, joy, dream, fear, insecurity, desire that we have as humans.
[00:13:08] This matters to your well being. And that's why I think dating is the final frontier of personal development. Because all of these deeper insecurities, all of these clues about how we were socialized within the racist, capitalist, sexist, ableist, homophobic, transphobic patriarchy are in this conversation about dating and why you're not asking deeper questions and why you're not asking directly for what you want and why you might have had a pattern of settling in the past, whether settling in a relationship or settling for inaction.
[00:13:40] Even the folks who are quote late bloomers like I was settling for a while when I wasn't dating when I was so afraid and paralyzed to date. I was settling for and in the form of not taking action for my desires. And then when I got to starting taking action, I was settling in the wrong relationships [00:14:00] because I was deeply afraid that what I want didn't exist.
[00:14:02] And that's why. To heal that I think it's really important to give yourself permission to want what you want with your essence based preferences and then get to how can I start? How might it be possible for me to start showing up in small ways for what I want in my life? I think that is a great starting point if you're Starting from zero here of what today, what's a way that I can ask a question that is deeper that I, with even friends or coworkers, like, how can I ask in small ways for what I want today?
[00:14:35] That can be an amazing place to start to settle proof your dating life. And then I'm going to teach you this qualifying disqualifying strategy, which is probably really going to challenge you. And I want you to start asking these questions in your dating life. Even if you're puke, pukey, nauseous, wanting to throw up and you're nervous too, I want you to try because you're not going to die from asking deeper questions and you're not going to die from showing up for what you want.
[00:14:59] [00:15:00] And newsflash, you're single right now. Probably if you're listening to this episode and what you want, I just think let's take settling off the table. You have nothing to lose by showing up more fully in your dating life. Because what you want, and I'll believe this until you can believe it for yourself, what you want is going to happen when you start showing up more boldly, start asking for what you want more regularly, and Really cover yourself in compassion as you take more massive, messy, courageous action that makes the right relationship happen.
[00:15:34] Let's show up more. Let's show up for what you want more. The mindset that I want you to adopt, right? We can acknowledge the old mindset of I've got a caregiver. I don't want to make people uncomfortable. I don't want to push people away with the wrong question or if I'm too intense sounding or whatever.
[00:15:50] Okay, that is settling city, right? We're getting into the mindset of I am for the few, not for the many. I'm going to repeat that. I want you to [00:16:00] write it down if that resonates for you. I am for the few, not for the many. This mindset alone is going to settle, prove your dating life and create more ease in your dating life, especially on dating apps.
[00:16:15] If you want to be on a dating app. Even within person dating, I am for the few, not for the many. Now, this comes from Seth Godin's concept of minimum viable audience or minimum viable market. I learned about this when I just started date brazen about six, seven years ago, I quit matchmaking. I was scared shitless.
[00:16:34] About building my own company. I was scared shitless about to people want a feminist dating coach. I was being told by people in my life. Are you sure you want to do this? Like the feminist dating coach to people want that? Like people just want to be set up on a date. And so I was being told these things.
[00:16:48] I was scared and I was going into my new business scared. I was going into my new business with so many thoughts about what it meant about me that people didn't want to work with me. And it [00:17:00] really was that I didn't yet know how to communicate who I was. Yeah. What I was bringing to the table and I didn't know how to embody my minimum viable audience yet.
[00:17:10] And Seth Godin really woke me up to this concept of most people when they start a business or when they're talking about their business are trying to market to too many people. They're trying to talk to everybody because they're afraid that nobody will want to work with them. That was me. I was afraid nobody would want to work with me and nobody would.
[00:17:27] And I was going to, this wasn't going to work and I have to get a regular job again and whatever. I had all this knowledge I wanted to use. But. I, so when I had that fear and that scarcity, I went out into the world and I said, anybody who's single and thinks of themselves as a feminist, like anybody who's single work with me.
[00:17:44] And I didn't have a, I had one client my whole first year of business. My first client ever actually got married last year and I'm so excited for her, but I digress. That one client was a miracle. I was like putting myself out there, but [00:18:00] I wasn't clear on who I wanted to serve or what I wanted to do. And so minimum viable audience came at a time where Seth was like, you need to define the smallest amount of people who would be right for you.
[00:18:10] And when you do that, when you have the language to describe the smallest amount of people who are right for you, you then will attract those people. And from what I got from that is oh, you're for the few, not for the many. There are enough people who will resonate with what you're saying to create a blossoming community and business.
[00:18:29] And it was true. And then when you apply this concept, I'm for the few, not for the many or minimum viable audience to your dating life, it also means that you are going to be attracting higher quality dates that are better for you than if you were just casting a wide net. Casting a wide net is born of scarcity.
[00:18:46] It is not the truth. It is not needed. You don't need to cast a wide net. You need to be very specific about the kind of people that you're looking for, how you want them to make you feel right. What kind of personality traits [00:19:00] values are they bring into the table? How do they make you feel? That's the essence based preferences, the E.
[00:19:03] B. P. S. Of it all. Then you need to start asking questions to vet for those E. B. P. S. You need to start asking questions to determine whether or not that person is Within your minimum viable audience, this is going to be difficult for you. If you're swimming in fear and scarcity, the way that you neutralize fear and scarcity, if you take a deep breath, you put a hand somewhere really compassionate on your body, your chest, your belly, your face, even.
[00:19:34] And you just take a deep breath and notice how you're feeling in your body. Where is the scarcity being held in your body? Notice it, breathe into it. Save yourself. I'm willing to feel anything to be with you. This is literally how you close that feelings. Like how you finish that feeling. You process it by acknowledging it, noticing it, breathing into it for even three minutes.
[00:19:55] This will help to neutralize scarcity because What might be happening when you're in scarcity is [00:20:00] you're, you are in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode. Your brain is trying to protect you at all costs. Of course, other options and other solutions don't feel available because your brain's in tunnel vision trying to survive.
[00:20:11] So what you do to create emotional safety enough to get out of survival mode and into thriving mode, into qualifying, disqualifying questions mode into I'm for the few, not for the many mode. If you take a deep breath. You notice the feeling in your body for three minutes, you set a timer, you breathe into it, you say, I'm willing to feel anything to be with you.
[00:20:28] There's nothing that you could say do or feel that would make me want to stop being your friend. You notice the color of the feeling. You let your brain fill in those gaps. You notice the shape of it. You notice the texture of it. You just are with yourself. Dear friend would sit next to you while you were going through a really hard moment.
[00:20:45] You don't want that friend to be like, Oh, stop feeling that way. Stop feeling that way. You want that friend to just sit there. And I know intuitively, probably, that if the friend just sat there while you cried or while you felt the feeling that it would pass and change. I talk about this a lot in the [00:21:00] podcast, but.
[00:21:01] The teacher, the two teachers, the one, you scrape your knee and you're crying and the one teacher comes over and is like, why are you crying? Oh, just get over it. Oh, it's not a big deal. And you're like, wait okay, go play. The rushing out of the feeling makes it last longer. Versus the teacher who goes over to you, kneels down next to you.
[00:21:20] What happened? Tell me about it. Oh, I'm sorry. That's hard. Do you want a hug? Yeah, I want a hug. Okay. I'm here for as long as you need me to be. And then eventually you're like, okay, I'm done with this hug. I hear my friends playing out there. I'm going to go play with them. Are you sure you're done with the hug?
[00:21:35] Yeah. Oh, I'm good. Okay. Okay. Let me know. I'm here if you need me. That teacher is the voice of self compassion that you need to move through the feeling of scarcity. It is a feeling, not a fact. The thought, what I want doesn't exist, is a thought, not a fact. And the way that you build a new neural pathway to start believing that what you want Is inevitable that it exists is first feeling the panic or [00:22:00] the overwhelm or the shame, whatever is happening.
[00:22:03] It's a feeling, not a fact. Feel that feeling and then ask yourself what else might be true. And here are some thoughts to start filling in the gap and start building a new neural pathway so that you can then use these qualifying disqualifying questions more authentically instead of trying to. Force it or trying to like toxic positivity yourself.
[00:22:20] This is what you do. You say, what else might be true? It might be true that I haven't met everyone yet. It might be true that. Scarcity has been impacting me and I'm ready to build a new story. It might be true that it might be true that what I want exists. It might be true that I haven't been in the right relationship yet.
[00:22:41] It might be true that I have relationships and I build them all the time. So a romantic one might be on the list next, right? It might be it might not be impossible that I get to want what I want. It might not be impossible that [00:23:00] what I desire is maybe coming to me like baby step thoughts will help you build a new neural pathway instead of trying to toxic positivity yourself, which then only create some more a deeper cycle of like toxic positivity doesn't hold up.
[00:23:13] Then you go into scarcity mode again, then you go into hopelessness, then your friend gets into a relationship and you get triggered and you get on a dating app and then you toxic positivity yourself and then it doesn't work out and then you write that site. Goal is exhausting. So instead of doing the cycle again, deep breath, self compassion, I'm willing to feel anything to be with you.
[00:23:32] What else might be true? It might be true that I haven't met everyone yet. Boom. Let's get into the strategy. So that's the mindset and some of the strategy. Of course, I always talk about both at the same time. So now let's get into the hardcore strategy. Here are the questions that you need to be asking.
[00:23:48] You need to be starting conversations with a question like what's bringing you joy lately. I'm talking specifically about a dating app. And in person dating, by the way, it works starting with [00:24:00] what? Hey, Ben. Hey, Leslie, what's bringing you joy lately? You're looking for three things. Number one, you're looking for someone who knows what brings them joy.
[00:24:08] Even if they're going through a hard moment, you want somebody who you date To know what brings them joy. Joy is inherently connective. It is a connector. It is a very powerful emotion, and you probably want somebody who knows what brings them joy. Number one, you number two, you're looking for somebody who is ready to respond to a deeper than service level question.
[00:24:27] And then number three, you're looking for their answer to that question to make you feel similar to how you want your E. B. P. S. To make you feel at least at a level one. For example, if someone answers, what's bringing you joy lately with, you know what, watching re rewatching the office reruns and watching the super fan episodes is bringing me so much joy.
[00:24:49] And then you feel a little, if you were an office fan yourself, like I am, you might feel a little belonging. You might feel a little excitement. You might feel a little bit like, Oh, that's cool. We have that in common. And then you can continue the conversation from there. [00:25:00] And hopefully they ask you the question back, which allows you to talk about your joy.
[00:25:05] AKA inherently connective. Maybe they answer with. Oh, my gosh. I love this question. My nephew. I hung out with him this past weekend. They came into town and I love showing them around the city and getting bagels together. It was so joyful, right? Then you see. Oh. family oriented. If that's one of your EBPs, they enjoy time with loved ones and they do that intentionally.
[00:25:26] Okay. Interesting. And then they ask what's bringing you joy. And you can talk about your love of women's soccer or your deep love of your birthday week. I just had my birthday week. It was January 29th and I had the best time ever. I love celebrating my birthday, but so you see how joy is connective and joy allows asking about what brings you joy, allow someone in the words of Dr.
[00:25:48] Maya Angelou. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. So another example of what we probably don't want, and I'm not like saying that I am saying this, [00:26:00] that if somebody answers, LOL, I don't know, it's probably not a fit, right? They may not be ready for a deeper connection. They're not available for a deeper conversation.
[00:26:09] You can probably confidently bless and release, right? I just want you to know that my clients have used this exact question on dating apps as an opener. With hey name what's bringing you joy lately and it has led to the best dates of their life now They ask other QD questions that I'm going to share in a moment But starting with that QD question again repeating myself.
[00:26:31] You're looking for somebody who knows what brings them joy You're looking for somebody who's ready for a deeper conversation and you're looking for somebody who meets your EBPs At least one or two of them with their answer at least at a level one Now, every QD question may not directly address your essence based preferences, but you're looking for, and you're not looking for a rigid response of this is how they have to respond to qualifying, disqualifying questions.
[00:26:57] You're looking for, how does their response make me feel? [00:27:00] Okay? This is how Maddie Found a date that she knew was different on a dating app and went on a date with the person who is now her partner. This is how Liz found her girlfriend and how she ended up finding the best date and the best relationship of her life.
[00:27:18] So this is really important to emphasize that you need to be asked whether or not, look, maybe this question doesn't fit for you. I encourage you to try it though. Give it a try. See how it goes. And here's what's going to happen. Most people are going to be wrong for you. Why? Because you're for the few, not for the many, baby.
[00:27:36] Yes, you are for the few, not for the many. I feel weird now about saying baby because that is out of my vocabulary, but I felt it because here's the deal. You're going to get a lot of people. I posted this video on TikTok. It's doing pretty well. It has a lot of views and likes and comments. A lot of the comments are saying I get unmatched every time I ask this question.[00:28:00]
[00:28:00] And to that, I would be curious about what your, is your profile doing enough to convey your essence based preferences? I would be curious about, I think though that most people, if they unmatch you for asking that question, they're not the right fit for you. Period. Again, you don't have to hook people in.
[00:28:15] You don't have to perform this magic trick of hooking people in with the perfect, perfect bespoke message. Stop creating bespoke messages for every single match that you have on a dating app. Stop. It is unnecessary emotional labor. This question. What's bringing you joy lately is a perfect way to kick off a conversation with the right people and to not do unnecessary emotional labor because the I need to create a bespoke message for every single match that I really like.
[00:28:47] Is really coming from a place of, Oh my God, I really like them. And it's scarce to find people that I really like. So I need to work really hard to hook them in and get them on my side, because I want them to be, I want them to respond. And I'm more likely to have them respond. If I [00:29:00] send a bespoke message, no, you actually not people are people on dating apps.
[00:29:04] They are going to respond or they're not going to respond. A lot of people on dating apps are not intentional. I would say most people are not intentional. You are not going to get a better result. If you send a bespoke message, a better result than this question. And I've seen it in hundreds of my clients.
[00:29:19] So I just want you to stop obsessing about how to do this perfectly in order to get the best result. I want you to have a plan so that you can take that emotional labor off your plate so that you can know, here's what I'm going to do. Here's, I'm going to show up. Here's what I'm going to ask just to make this process a lot less exhausting for you.
[00:29:37] Okay. You're for the few, not for the many. Another thing that's going to happen is that you will see people and realize when you need to bless and release them sooner when you use qualifying, disqualifying questions, which can freak some people out because they want to go on dates. Maybe they want to find people and they want to go on dates.
[00:29:54] And so it feels like, why am I limiting my chances so much? It's up, right? You're for the few, not [00:30:00] for the many, and you deserve somebody who is. Ready for what you're ready for right now. Period. I just think that what you want is on the other side of you showing up for it more with boldness instead of showing up for it in scarcity.
[00:30:16] What you want is on the other side of you asking for what you want and asking what's bringing you joy lately is inherently asking for what you want. The other thing is some people don't, I've been running a social experiment myself with this question. I ask it regularly when I meet new people, when I'm in a networking scenario, when I am unsure of what to say with a new friend or a new colleague or like whatever.
[00:30:43] What's bringing you joy lately? It is immediately disarming. It is immediately connective, and In social situations with people that I don't know, sometimes they, I perceive that they think it's too deep, too quick. Maybe, look, maybe for those people it is, and that's [00:31:00] totally fine. It doesn't make them wrong.
[00:31:01] In a social scenario, like in person, we're at a, like a party together, and I've gotten the response when I asked, Whoa, that's intense. I have learned to not make that mean anything about me. I'm just interested in something deeper than surface level quicker. And specifically in a social scenario like a new, a party with new friends or whatever, there's a social expectation that we should not go deep as quickly, or some people are uncomfortable sharing.
[00:31:25] And that's okay again. In a social scenario, when I ask this and people are like not feeling it, I don't make that mean anything. Except that maybe they weren't ready for that conversation. I don't make it mean that they're a bad person or that they're whatever, but I do make it mean that I may not want to hang with them at the party because they might want to do chit chat and I don't want to do chit chat.
[00:31:46] That's fine. It's totally fine. I get to want what I want. They get to want what they want. I'm for the few, not for the many, as are you. Okay. So here's some other qualifying, disqualifying questions that I freaking love as [00:32:00] openers or starters with EBPs and my dating app strategy. And I'm going to talk about in person dating with this question as well.
[00:32:07] in a moment, but I like to have EBPs. You're going to have three to five root word EBPs in your definition of them. And then for QD questions, I like to recommend three to five qualifying disqualifying questions to ask in a conversation before you go on a date with somebody. Okay, and they could be anything.
[00:32:25] They could literally be anything. It's just about what you want to know about the person and what you want to gauge and with the right people in the right conversations. It's not going to be an interview. It's going to be an exchange and it doesn't have to be like a stilted. Here's my question. Here's my question.
[00:32:38] It can be a both end of Hey, what's bringing you joy lately? Here's what's Ringing me joy. Oh cool. What about you? Oh, what did you, what about that neon class really made you laugh or made you feel good? What got you into neon? Oh, yeah. What got you into this thing? Like it's a, and then you can get into deeper questions or more questions.
[00:32:54] It doesn't have to be a stilted thing. You can be human about it. Here are other cutie questions that I love. [00:33:00] What's made you laugh hardest lately? What's your favorite way to care for yourself? Who are you in your friend group? What are you hoping to find in your dating life? These are all really good, really juicy.
[00:33:12] Who inspires you the most? What have you learned about lately that is setting your heart on fire or that you can't shut up about? I loved a recent client in the Brazen Breakthrough, which is opening soon, shared her QT question, shared their QT question, and it was like, here, what are your three top TV shows and why?
[00:33:32] And her answer was like, super deep and awesome, and they were fun, frothy. TV shows, but with a lot of meaning for her behind them. So she got to use that question to that people for are they thoughtful about the media that they consume and how are they thoughtful? I would recommend if you want to ask about travel.
[00:33:48] This is a sand trap for service level conversation. So be aware that Like, where are you headed on your bucket list next, or where have you traveled lately that you love can be a sand trap [00:34:00] for a surface level conversation. So if you want to ask about travel, ask them how they pick the places they travel, why they travel, what they love to do when they travel, and look for something deeper than the surface level.
[00:34:12] That's just my one note about travel. So here's how to use these for in person dating. You can share your qualifying, disqualifying questions with a co conspirator, a friend who's going to help you in your dating life to set you up or to be your wing person. You can share them with your co conspirator so they can ask potential dates for you these questions and share your essence based preferences so that your friend or co conspirator can get the vibe of what you're looking for and look for that vibe in this person's answer to your question.
[00:34:41] You can also approach people in person. And say, Hey, really random, but you're cute. What's bringing you joy lately? Ben, Leslie, I'm using these. Oh, I just realized that it's because of Parks and Rec. It was a subconscious thing. Anyway, I digress. So yeah, you use these in person. [00:35:00] You can ask people. I ask people what's bringing you joy lately all the time.
[00:35:05] Chris calls it my superpower because I literally have created so many deeper conversations and connections because of this question. I was at Gilmore Girls Fan Fest. There was just one example of many. There was a panel of not a panelist, but a moderator who was a journalist who I really admired and I wanted to talk to.
[00:35:24] And so I went up to her after her panel and I said, Hey, I love that panel so much. I'm such a big fan. I'm just so curious how with this weekend, is there anything specifically that's bringing you joy? Lately, and she stopped dead in her tracks and she looked at me. She was like, that is such a good question.
[00:35:41] And I have to run to another panel right now, but I'm going to come back and answer because I love that question so much. Thank you so much for that question. And that's what happens on dating apps. Not. As Oh, my God, I love that. I'm going to come back and answer that. But my client, Maddie, like I mentioned, asked this question.
[00:35:57] Jim was like, what a good question because she asked that [00:36:00] question. Jim had a signal that she was looking for something deeper, right? And that person at Gilmore Girls Fan Fest did come back to me and started a conversation. We kindled a connection because I asked that question. It is a magical question, and I want you to start asking more of those kind of magical questions.
[00:36:17] Okay. To bet people quickly. Now I recommend three to five cutie questions that you want to know before a date. And then I recommend you ask them. I recommend you tune in with how their answer makes you feel. If their answers make you feel like blah, especially if it's a one word answer. And they don't ask you questions back, immediate bless and release if their answer is you make you feel don't know about that.
[00:36:41] Ask another question. If they ask you a question back, keep the conversation going for maybe one more qualifying disqualifying questions. See how it makes you feel and then see how their answer makes you feel and then make a decision to continue or to bless and release again. The process to vet people quickly is about asking the right questions and tuning in with your body to [00:37:00] see how their answer makes you feel what you want to be going for.
[00:37:03] is intrigue and or curiosity, maybe excitement, right? That's the very exciting scenario. You feel excitement about their answer. You're looking for intrigue and curiosity first. And if you have that, then keep going. And if you don't, then bless and release. It can be as simple as that. Questions I do not love when you're first texting are how is your weekend, cute dog, what's their name?
[00:37:26] Anything pen pal ish, especially if you don't have a connection with this person yet. Stop texting like, how is your morning? Instead, text like, what's bringing you joy lately to get to the meat and the bones? Get to the stuff that you want to know. This is how you vet people quickly. This is qualifying, disqualifying questions.
[00:37:42] Inside of my book, Thank You, More Please, A Feminist Guide to Breaking Dumb Dating Rules and Finding Love, I share the 100 plus list of qualifying disqualifying questions. I take you through in my book, step by step, this whole strategy with even more [00:38:00] support, even more context to help you find the best relationship of your life on a dating app or in person with a strategy that feels.
[00:38:09] Easeful instead of emotional, labor filled and arduous. This is about attracting the best relationship of your life with more ease and joy than you thought possible, which will then set you up for a more easeful and joyful relationship than you thought possible. It all starts by Stopping, settling right here right now.
[00:38:28] So thank you more, please. It's going to take you through this whole strategy and you can preorder right now at date brazen dot com slash book, buy it wherever you want to buy it and then enter your receipt details. I am doing a bonus called the thank you more please club. Which is four months of live trainings with me.
[00:38:46] And the next live training for the club for only people who pre order is all about the Thank You More Please challenge and how to use it to build hope and to magnetize the right dates to you. That first live coaching session just for people who pre order is coming [00:39:00] up very soon on February 13th. So you can join the club, the pre order Thank You More Please club anytime.
[00:39:05] But if you joined right now, if you pre order now and enter your receipt details now, you're going to get four months. Of live coaching calls with me to propel yourself forward in your love life before the book ever hits your doorstep in June 11th. It's the pub day. And if you don't wanna, if you wanna I think the book is gonna change your life, I think you're gonna love the book.
[00:39:24] And if you wanna work with me now, if you want to create results, right? Freaking now in your dating life. Then I really recommend that you sign up for my free live training called creating a confident and joyful as fuck dating life that makes the right relationship inevitable. This live training is happening on February 15th and it is going to tell you exactly how to create an anxiety relieving plan for your dating life.
[00:39:50] To propel you into the right relationship to make that shit inevitable this year. So that free training is also going to open the doors to the brazen breakthrough where I also teach this qualifying [00:40:00] disqualifying question strategy, where I also teach you the essence based preferences plan, where I teach in person dating and online dating to magnetize the right people to you to have.
[00:40:08] Find better dates than you thought possible. So you can sign up for that live training at date brazen. com slash book. And you can also learn what it's like to be inside my proven 12 month group coaching program, the brazen breakthrough at that training. Ah, it's so good to hang out with y'all. You've got this and I've got your back.
[00:40:26] I dare you to use one of these qualifying disqualifying questions when you're on a dating app this week, or even in person this week. asking a coworker, like practicing being uncomfortable to ask for what you want. I think it's really going to serve you and really going to help you start getting in the driver's seat of finding the best relationship of your life.
[00:40:45] All right, y'all love y'all. And I will talk to you next week. Bye.[00:41:00]