181. Creating a juicy in-person dating life with Brazen Breakthrough member Chloé

Feeling hopeless or panicked about in-person dating? Then, this episode will motivate you to prioritize your desires and step into the path of opportunity to create a juicy in-person dating life. Today, we are getting into the ins and outs of the Brazen Breakthrough and how it changed the game for member Chloé. 

Chloé opens up about what has been happening in her dating life and how she has been showing up differently. You’ll also hear how she now embodies what it means for her to have permissive, joyful connectivity.  We are so excited for you to hear this episode. It is a beautiful example of a human creating the life she desires.

Episode hot takes and topics:

• Chloé on finding partnership: “It is not embarrassing or weak to say that my life would thrive even fuller with deep witnessing and intimacy.”

• The lesson that changed Chloé’s outlook on dating and dating apps 

• “My feelings about dating have shifted dramatically.” 

• How the Brazen Breakthrough helped Chloé create a juicy in-person dating life   

• Breaking patterns that take you out of the path of opportunity 

Links:

Pre-order Lily’s upcoming book, Thank You, More Please!

Creating a Confident and Joyful-as-fuck Dating Life That Makes the Right Relationship Inevitable

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Show transcript:

[00:00:00] Hello, gorgeous friends. Welcome to another episode of the date raisin podcast. So glad that you're here today. We are getting into how you can build a joyful as hell in person, dating life with my client, Chloe, who is in the brazen breakthrough right now. And. y'all. Her story is so powerful. I was in tears in multiple times, uh, at multiple times in this episode.

[00:00:25] This episode is so good. And inside we talk about the ins and outs of the brazen breakthrough and how it changed the game. for Chloe and her love life. And if you're curious about Joining the Brazen Breakthrough or what it's like to be a client of mine, what it's like to create a joyful as fuck dating life, then you're in luck because I have a free live training coming up very, very soon on February 15th called creating a confident and joyful as fuck dating life that makes the right [00:01:00] relationship inevitable.

[00:01:01] Inside this live training, I'm going to coach your face off and I'm going to teach you exactly how to create a fiercely confident as hell dating life without all the overwhelm and anxiety and burnout and patriarchal nonsense. You're going to learn how to become completely dating app optional and how to find juicy dates in person.

[00:01:18] And I'm going to teach you my anxiety relieving plan of action that will make the right relationship inevitable. So in this container of this live free training on February 15th, you are going to join a group of bad ass. single humans who are moving their love lives forward together. I'm going to give you my exact roadmap to making the right relationship inevitable with joy this year.

[00:01:44] And you'll also get a special invitation to join us inside of the Raisin Breakthroughs. So get your butt registered for this live training, creating a confident, joyful, and thoughtful dating life that makes the right relationship inevitable. February 15th at 6 p. m. Eastern, you can register at date brazen.

[00:01:59] com [00:02:00] slash joy. And I cannot wait to see you there live on February 15th. Again, that's state brazen. com slash joy. And the link to register is in the description of this episode. And with that, let's get into this episode with Chloe.

[00:02:18] Hey, I'm Lily Womble, former top matchmaker and founder of Date Brazen. After setting up hundreds, I realized that with coaching, women could match themselves better than anyone else ever could. With my unconventional feminist approach, I've helped women around the world build courageous and self trust filled love lives, and now, I'm here to support you.

[00:02:36] Get ready, because I'm about to show you the exact steps you need to attract a soul quenching partnership. And feel amazing about yourself along the way. This is the date brazen podcast. Hello, gorgeous friends, and welcome to another episode of the date brazen podcast. Today, we are getting into it with Chloe, one of my current brazen breakthrough clients who has been in the program for many [00:03:00] months, and we're going to get into the meat and potatoes of like.

[00:03:03] What has been happening in her dating life? How has she been showing up differently? This is going to be chock full of so many nuggets of wisdom for you to, if you've been feeling hopeless in your dating life or panicked about your dating life, or even like, if you feel like I've given up on it, like this episode is going to help you feel so much motivation to prioritize yourself and your desires.

[00:03:26] So I'm pumped to have her on. Hi, Chloe. Hi. Hi, uh, of, uh, how are you doing today? What are the people need to know about you? Um, Ooh, I am doing absolutely great today. Um, what do people need to know about me? I don't know. I mean, I'm like mid 30s. I live in the Bay Area. Um, I'm basically creating my best life because I decided to opt out of the traditional 9 to 5 workforce.

[00:03:54] I used to work in tech. I quit during the 1st year of the covid pandemic. [00:04:00] Best decision I ever made, um, that actually started me on a growth path. Um, I ended up working with a woman who'd been my friend and then she became my coach. So, yeah, I spent like all of COVID, very grateful, honestly, for a lot of the spaciousness it allowed and the slowing down.

[00:04:17] Holding the reality that it. Was a really tough experience and had major impacts the world over. But yeah. And you know, some, some dating during, you know, the COVID, but, um, yeah, I don't know. I, I am yeah, mid thirties and figuring it the fuck out. Okay. Chloe, let's get the fuck into it because I want to know what my intention with this episode is just to like.

[00:04:47] Excavate how you have really prioritized yourself and created change for yourself in your love life specifically. So I want to get into like, tell me, take me [00:05:00] through your dating life before we met. Take me through like mentally in practice, what was going on? Um, yeah. So before we met, before I came across your content, um, I dated dating was love and dating a relationship in a romantic context were like one of the three pillars.

[00:05:19] I was always coming back to and work with my coach career money abundance. 1 was like health, you know, well being. And then this 3rd 1 was this like, kind of elusive love relationship, but, um, and yeah, before we met, I think dating honestly, for most of my adult Like 20s into 30s. Dating was non existent for me in the sense that I didn't use dating apps.

[00:05:46] I use them sporadically, starting way back with Plenty of Fish. Oh my God. And then OkCupid was kind of the big deal. Iconic. Why sporadically? What was going on? Or like, why, why would you point, look back and say like, okay, I wasn't [00:06:00] dating at this time because It's such a good question. I mean, partially I was super focused in work, you know, kind of high, high commitment tech world.

[00:06:10] And partially because I don't know, it just like did not feel accessible or attractive to me was the dating apps. And the, I hadn't necessarily had like super good experiences and I was just opting out. And then often finding myself becoming emotionally attached to like, People in my life, typically people that were not available.

[00:06:34] And, I had this weird, and I think this power is still with me, it just was in a very different form back in the day. I had this power of like, attracting people without trying. In these like, really like, kind of, Epic moments throughout my life. Now, most of the time, those were like, let's say one and done.

[00:06:57] Okay. Like a fun time. Yes. [00:07:00] A fun time. I met them out somewhere and it was just like, the universe was like, Chloe, here you go, girl. Magnetic. Exactly. And like, I look back on that to remind myself that I have that power, honestly, because I wasn't honestly, I wasn't fucking trying and the universe would like deliver me these like little Um, but they were almost never anything to turn into a relationship or what have you.

[00:07:24] I did have some small sort of shorter term relationship, but oftentimes, yeah, I was coming up against people who were already in relationships and maybe had open open relationships and I was just some sort of component of that mix or one and dones or like people that I became really emotionally invested with that were like my coworker that I could.

[00:07:46] Definitely never date, you know, now he's like married with a child in a home and like, I love him dearly. But like, yeah, I just, I was not open and available for the thing I sought most for so many different [00:08:00] reasons. Did you have any labels going on of like late bloomer or like, not that you should have had that, but just, I, I hear that so often with the people who don't take much in their twenties.

[00:08:11] Early thirties. Did that resonate? Like what was going on? Did you feel like you were labeling yourself? Did it just feel like I'm good? It just hasn't happened yet. Like what was going on? I do not identify with the late bloomer con like persona construct. Yeah. Construct. I did have two like long term relationships, one in high school, one in college.

[00:08:30] And, you know, it sort of had a lot of, you know, One and done. So, like, I definitely feel like I have experience out in the world, but yeah, I think that I wasn't as focused on it or maybe I just honestly, this is the real truth probably is there was a deep, deep on recognition of the fact that I felt unworthy, right?

[00:08:53] Of love period. Um, and much less so in a romantic context. Yeah. I mean, [00:09:00] there's so many things that we experience in childhood. That very much like right. Start to impact your world views even when you don't know they're there. Right. There are these invisible structures and it has taken me, you know, to like mid thirties and lots of growth work and many conversations and excavation to like understand that those things were in the way.

[00:09:23] Yeah. And you know, it's still, it still happens. And that's kind of what I think is the lesson that's really here for me in like 2024, end of 2023, is. Like, you know, the work never ends. We just kind of, it gets somewhat easier and we get more room to breathe, but like, right, we're always going to have feelings.

[00:09:46] And thoughts and so learning how to like, be in the human experience, recognizing that those are always going to happen, even as we like, learn to like, have more grace and [00:10:00] spaciousness with them, they're going to be here. Yeah. Yeah. 100%. I'm curious about this idea of not feeling lovable or worthy of love.

[00:10:12] If you don't mind getting into it. Does that feel okay? Yeah. Yeah. Of course. Um, uh, I hate the phrase open book because it shows up on so many dating profiles and I'm like, Could you try at all? What does that even mean? Uh, you know, I'll tell you what it means. It means I'm not going to do the emotional labor.

[00:10:32] You do the damn emotional labor. Oh, you're right. You know, it's this like, ask me anything. Exactly. You ask me the questions because I'll tell you anything. But like, you have to ask because I'm an open book. I can tell you anything. Ask. Yes. Oh, it is one of my biggest dating profile pet peeves, honestly. I think that's so.

[00:10:54] Astute go ahead. Yeah. Um, okay. So lack of worthiness around love. [00:11:00] Yeah. I mean, I'm the oldest daughter of 3 kids, mostly raised in like a single parent home. There was just like, a lot of expectation of me to be perfect. And in more recent months have come to the understanding that that was like an actual true belief.

[00:11:17] It probably is still a true belief of my mom's that to be safe in the world is only to present like your perfect shell that then was put on me as like the belief. And, you know, to this day, I think that is still, you know, my mother's truth. So then there was a lot of like strife in our relationship around that.

[00:11:38] It was never voiced explicitly, right? There's all these like small cues, all these things that over time, you know, I played sports. I was like graduated eighth in my class. I got a national scholar athlete award. Like I was, you know, I was pretty damn perfect. Excellent. Yeah, an exceller. Um, and I think that kind of carried [00:12:00] on.

[00:12:00] And so with always trying to strive for that, I didn't have the notion that I was like, exactly lovable, just as I am right here right now. Yesterday tomorrow, kind of, no matter the circumstances and that is like, the crux of the work that I have worked through is like, you know, you talk a lot about compassion and that has been actually a new kind of.

[00:12:28] Useful tool for me using that like that concept. I got another coaching, but to bring in compassion and be like, oh, right, like, of course, you feel this way. It's okay to literally be messy. It's okay to like, make mistakes. Making mistakes still sometimes triggers the shit out of me because I'm like, oh, my gosh, I'm going to like, Get fired, or someone's going to hate me, or they're going to write me off immediately.

[00:12:56] Um, especially if I'm thinking about dating, one [00:13:00] of the most useful and favorite phrases of mine of yours is you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. And. In general, I'm trying to hold that to be true, just like with anyone I need in the world. Like, even if it's in a work context, like, I hope that the people in which I engage have so much grace for just being a human being.

[00:13:26] So. Yeah, I don't know if you have any other specific questions about that, but I think, yeah, it's been a lot. It brings up the cot, the, like, intersectionality of perfectionism and lovability and how, um, I, I hear a lot of people who are thinking about joining the reason breakthrough or thinking about doing any sort of coaching program of like, what if I don't?

[00:13:51] Take action or like, what if I, what if my anxiety gets in the way of me showing up? And like, I, I don't, I don't make progress or whatever. And all of these like thoughts [00:14:00] and, and objections are, I think at the root, like, what if I'm not perfect at this and am I worthy of pursuing what I desire? Even if I'm not perfect.

[00:14:10] Yes. Yeah, and to all the perfectionists out there, I definitely would say I came in to the Brazen Breakthrough with a lot of that mentality still, because I'm almost like a career personal growth person in the sense that I spend a lot of time excavating my own shit, you know? Um, and I came in being like, okay, I'm printing off the workbooks.

[00:14:33] I'm going to try to do them like every week and watch all the videos. Guess what? I don't even think I got through the first module and a half for like months and as time has gone on, I've still learned and grown so much. And now, like, my time in the breakthrough, right at some point, it comes to an end and then I'm like.

[00:14:53] Oh, I can see this so differently now, even in the like, you know, many months that I've been here [00:15:00] from month one to month. Now, first of all, my, my personhood is completely different. And now I get to look at the material actually from a place of like, oh, I have so much understanding now, and I don't have to be effing perfect here.

[00:15:17] And guess what I'm doing it many months later, and it's still super, super useful in terms of, like, going through and doing every 1 of the workbooks. Yeah, I love that. And I want to get into that more deeply in a few minutes, but I do want to start like at the beginning of finding each other. Yeah. So, when did we meet?

[00:15:37] Like, even if you, even if it was parasocially, when did we meet? And, uh, what platform? Was it TikTok? No, I'm not a TikToker. So okay. Okay. Instagram. Okay. And I think I probably it was Instagram and then fell into the podcast and did one of your, you know, like kind of live, um, okay, cool. Yeah. So what was [00:16:00] going on at that time and how did you feel about the invitation to join a dating program?

[00:16:05] Cause I think that that is like, I think that a lot of people get nervous about, am I going to invest in this part of my life? Like what was that like for you? So, for me, like I said, I was working with a coach. I've been working with a coach one on one for a long time. I think I was looking specifically personally for support on this particular aspect, right?

[00:16:23] I had those kind of three pillars, growth, career, money, wellness, and then like love and romantic partnership. And I didn't feel that I had the support about romantic partnership that Was working for me, you know, I don't have a lot of my single friends, like, don't live here and we all kind of have the same circular conversations.

[00:16:45] And then a lot of my closest friends were partnered. And so, while a lot of them were lovely and supportive and, you know, very intelligent, wonderful people, like. It's hard to, like, be witnessed in that sometimes by someone not having the same current [00:17:00] experience, even if they've experienced it in the past, right?

[00:17:02] Even if their dating life wasn't that far from them. I also, honestly, I follow a lot of dating relationship growth people on Instagram, and I think, for me, like, your Approach, especially honestly, just say feminist as fuck and talk about the patriarch and I'm like, cool. I'm down, you know, it's the ultimate qualifier disqualifier for me and like my audience.

[00:17:29] For sure. Yeah. Yeah. Um, because I think so much of actually a phrase I like to say often is the patriarchy hurts all living beings and that is, you know, from the animals of the planet to the women to men and boys and girls as well. Um, and so I think just, like, realizing, like, how much ownership and empowerment, like, we can take for ourselves by caring for ourselves and loving ourselves.

[00:17:58] And how that does kind of [00:18:00] ultimately hopefully attract right? Like. The person people in your life that you want at the time I was kind of right, right? I'm, I'm right for any kind of coaching, but I was right for making dating a priority. I guess it was 2022 when we met parasocially and then in the contained early 2023 code was kind of.

[00:18:26] Changing the world was changing. I was like, I am. Done so much work now that 1 thing I really, really seek and want to commit to is like. Finding partnership and I get to want to do that and it is not embarrassing or weak to say that like my life would thrive even fuller with like deep witnessing and intimacy, which is what I like think the container romantic partnership provides.

[00:18:55] Yes. Yes. Yeah. Like humans. The point of being human is to engage [00:19:00] with other humans connection for sure. And the way that our world is currently set up, like community is harder to build and it is harder to get deep, intimate witnessing. I don't say outside of the home and if you don't go to church or you don't go to a religious container that the third place.

[00:19:19] Yeah, exactly. The place I, I always say church is kind of the last bastion of that. And, you know, for me, that's not an option in my world. Yeah. Yeah. Um, so, yeah. And I thrive in one on one, one on one, like, connection. That's just like, that's where, like, my, like, happiest, fullest self shows up. And I get that with my friends a hundred percent.

[00:19:45] And, you know, day to day witnessing. I'm not, I'm not living with my friends, you know. Now do I maybe want to all move to a commune and live in tiny houses? Hell yeah. I'd be so fun, so fun and joyful. And there's a courtyard and there's [00:20:00] a fire, a fire pit. Oh my god. There's tomatoes and eggplant growing. It happens.

[00:20:07] It happens. You know, honestly, I feel like that's a lot of energy for, I'm going to say millennials for like 2024. I know. Yeah. The Aquarius, Pluto, Aquarius season. Sorry for no one that's, I don't, I don't know what that means, but I am an Aquarius and I don't know. Okay, I'll send you a little email. There's like a massive astrological shift happening right now that impacts basically the next generations, the next 20 years.

[00:20:37] And it's looking at, yeah. Big structures, um, and technology, a theme that's kind of coming forth as like a lot of people are going to gravitate back towards like rooted in the land in in community. And I'm all for it. Amazing. Amazing. Well, coming and I want that email, please. I also want to talk about [00:21:00] the experience of joining a group because you mentioned I thrive in one on one.

[00:21:04] This is a group container where you are like, Like, our mission is to hold every single individual as much as they want a need in their dating lives. And it's a group. So like, tell me about that decision to join a group and how the community in the brazen breakthrough has felt. Yeah, it has been unbelievable, honestly.

[00:21:25] I mean, I, I have a local accountability buddy that I met. And I just hung out with her on Saturday and we just had to redo our EB piece and we, we hung out for like hours and she cooked risotto and we listened to incredible music. She's like a music genius in terms of playlists. Um, yeah, through here, that's amazing.

[00:21:47] Oh my God. And there's other people locally in the Bay area and I've also fostered, you know, some other relationships and excited to continue having that. community. [00:22:00] Yeah, there's so much power in Being witnessed and in witnessing others and, you know, I've said community a bunch of times, but this is a very special community, you know, for women who like, want to like, live their best lives and, you know, also desire this thing that is like complicated to talk about in the world out there, you know, because our society upholds coupledom so intensely, there's so many benefits to being in a couple, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and then you have Tons of women who have, like, built lives for themselves that they love.

[00:22:38] And they're right, like, seeking additional things to that for people. For a lot of women, that's partnership and community and community and being witnessed around anything. One of the things I love about the brags and wins kind of component that you have, half the time it's not about dating, you know, it's like, where can we as women.

[00:22:59] Who [00:23:00] like want to live full lives, like be celebrated, be witnessed and vice versa for sure. And I want to shout out the non binary folks and fems in the program as well, they are showing. I just think that it's just, uh, the Bragg's channel specifically. I think everything is. Intersectional, obviously. And so the idea of like bragging on going to a burlesque class because you were so afraid to and you did it anyway and you like, are like so proud of yourself or you know, what's a brag that you've shared.

[00:23:30] You've shared brags recently. What, what have you been bragging on? I mean, this is a huge one for me and I'd still, I could get you still talking about it. So a brag of mine that is non relationship oriented, um, is that I joined a neon class at this really cool maker studio in Oakland called The Crucible.

[00:23:48] I'm obsessed with neon signs. The neon sign museum in Vegas, 10 out of 10, like everyone should go. It's like off the strip, but you just see these massive old hotel signs, just like sitting in the [00:24:00] desert dirt. And it is unbelievable. So I love neon. And I, when I realized like you could just learn to make neon, I was like.

[00:24:09] Right. That's for that's for me. I'm learning to make neon signs. Um, yeah. And it's hard to get into these classes. Um, and I finally got in it, you know, it was an investment, but I was like, this is 100 percent worth it. And honestly, as soon as I got there, everything was just like, Everything was like aligned, you know, and there's like three attractive men in my age range in the class.

[00:24:36] I have no idea anything about them, but I engaged with all of them one on one. I was just like, in my Yes, you did. Yes, I did. Yes, you did. Um, you know, I was just like in my element because I was choosing to do something I was so excited about. Yes. Um, and so that for me is a huge win and I'm like getting to work with my hands.

[00:24:55] Creativity is kind of my thing for 2024. Um, [00:25:00] yeah, it's a huge brag, huge win and I, I mean, I'll probably come out with like, you know, a badly taped star or something that no one's gonna want, but like, you know, I'll mail it to my parents or something. I think that's, well, joy is connective, you know, it's like deeper connection to yourself, deeper connection to other people.

[00:25:17] And that's why like joy is a cornerstone of. Of in updating strategy period. And so I like, I really want people to build that joyful as fuck dating life because it does lead to meeting the kind of people that you want to meet. Like is evidenced by this conversation. Yeah, I mean, it's funny because when I redid my EVPs over the weekend.

[00:25:37] One of the things that came up was like someone that like works with their hands and that's essence based preferences, by the way, ebps, if you don't know now, you know, it's a, it's a cornerstone of the brazen breakthrough. So tell me about, tell me about your ebps and like, did that lesson feel, how did that lesson feel to you?

[00:25:54] How does it feel to you? How did it change the game for you? I think the best thing that came out of that for [00:26:00] me. Was connecting sort of my imagined desires, qualities, traits in a, in a partner's how I want to feel with that person because it is, I mean, thankfully, gratefully for me. So easy to tap into the embodied feeling.

[00:26:18] Of how I want to feel in like safe, deep intimacy and so to remember that as I'm going through and saying, you know, and you know what, my height preference changed over the last year because I had some engagements with men that were like. I'm only 5'4 so like for all the tall women who are like, girl, you don't get to date tall men.

[00:26:44] I'm like, we're not going to do the comparison thing and, and EVPs are about, oh my God, here we go. Are about like, how do you want to feel? Right. And so your EVP changed. Yeah. It changed because I realized like what I want to [00:27:00] feel is to be like safe. And I used to associate that with height. Yes. After having an experience with someone who.

[00:27:08] Who wasn't, you know, that much taller than me, I was like, Oh, that literally doesn't matter. And so for me, that is a huge shift in terms of, yeah, like how I'm like seeing people in the world. Yes. To just ground back. How do I feel? How do I feel? How do I feel? Yes. Yeah. And in some ways I'm like, tell Yeah, go ahead.

[00:27:29] Do I need any of my like logistics checklists? I don't know. . Mm. You know, woo juicy. Okay, so for those that don't know, legi, the essence based preferences are sort of the umbrella. It's the language that you described, like how you wanna feel in the right relationship, and then leg legit under that umbrella.

[00:27:48] Of EBPs, you have like logistics and you have personality traits values and logistics is like measuring stuff on paper. Personality traits values, obviously a little more amorphous, a little more feeling like, but the point is that [00:28:00] even if logistics, even with logistics, which you get to want what you want, you got to know how you want to feel.

[00:28:05] So that is the metric to come back to. And we teach it, I teach it every day in Brazen Breakthrough, but, um, I'm so glad that that tool has been, I mean, across the board, I think it's one of the. Most powerful tools, if I do say so myself, because it gives you the tools to bring language just to a feeling.

[00:28:23] Yeah. And that is something I would think I'm still kind of like working with it in terms of being able to articulate it for others, potential co conspirator conversation. I just feel like really grateful that I know what the embodied feeling is for me. Yes. That's beautiful. Chloe. I'm, I'm so curious.

[00:28:42] What other, is there any other lesson inside the BB that's felt like particularly resonant or life changing for you? Yes. There, there's one that I will, I come back to a lot actually just on my own in my life. Um, I actually, in one of our [00:29:00] calls got coaching. I think I was, Post dating detox kind of early on the program, getting back on the apps, I had it.

[00:29:07] I would say I hadn't in good faith done the full kind of dating profile work, but I had wanted to get back on. It was kind of. It was definitely round 2 of what I used to do and I was finding that I was. Getting frustrated doing the apps, whatever, right? Whatever that might mean. Um, I was on Hinge, the experience was like mediocre.

[00:29:32] I switched to Bumble, the experience like felt a little different, a little bit better for me. Uh, but I was still finding frustration. Even though, right, I brought in the tools. I only swiped for 20, 25 minutes. And I wasn't even swiping every day. But, and I would try to bring that like, Okay, how do I want to feel in my body?

[00:29:50] Okay, I'm going into the app feeling like, You know, like, I haven't met everyone that I will meet in the world, et cetera, et cetera. And I was still getting frustrated. [00:30:00] Um, part of that was just like, what my engagement looked like and then what conversations looked like. So I came to a coaching call to ask about that, right?

[00:30:07] Sort of. And I remember I was like, I've done so much growth work. Like I'm grown now. Why the hell am I still so frustrated? Um, and your response was like, the goal is never to not have a negative feeling again. The goal is to acknowledge it and to feel it and to like, be with it and then it shifts and I remember just being like, mind blown, even though like, I am aware of this information, right?

[00:30:38] But just the realization that I'm going to get frustrated because dating has frustration, right? Just like any kind of thing we do, work has frustration. Even our creative projects, we get frustrated or things can be upsetting to just realize like that's going to be a part of the experience. Now, can I show up differently to having that experience?[00:31:00]

[00:31:00] Yeah. Um, yeah, it was just, I remember you saying like, it's okay to get frustrated. Right. Right. Oh, I'm just feel like I'm never going to be frustrated again. Cause I'm like so empowered and like, no one can, you know, no one can get at me because I know what I'm doing. Well, even the, Ooh, Chloe, even the idea that frustration means somebody is getting at me or that somebody is like, like taking something from me or that somebody is like.

[00:31:28] You know, I think in a dating context, so many people with dating apps specifically are reading into the interactions, obviously 'cause they're human, right. But, and the reading into the people that they're seeing that aren't attractive and like, why, what does this say about what's possible? What does this say about what this means?

[00:31:42] What does this say about my future? And then there's frustration and then the thought might be, oh, like people are do in, in sort of a way, like, people are doing this to me. Mm mm You know, when. You're having a vibration in your body of frustration because you're [00:32:00] having thoughts about people having power over whether or not what you want as possible.

[00:32:05] Right? Totally. Yeah. And even, um, oh, there was something that happened the other day where this felt similarly trying to think what it is. I'm totally blinking. You can cut that. Um, yeah. Oh, oh, this, this is. Also, something that's been really huge that I came to on my own and I'm actually, this is like just a bragger when I feel like so proud of myself for this was what you were just talking about.

[00:32:39] This is what spurred my thought was, whereas other people are doing this to me, I actually internalize it. I haven't done enough growth work for my person to show up and that is so deeply painful. And comes back to my worthiness wound, you know, [00:33:00] you haven't, it's like, I know I don't need to be perfect anymore, but I still got to do something got to climb the ladder or like open up this wound and get into and get real messy until like, right.

[00:33:12] And to realize, like, I don't have to do anything or fix anything to like, be worthy and deserving. It's massive for me. It shifts, it shifts everything for me. Yeah, I think that's so good, Chloe. Yeah, I'm really proud of you. Thank you. And I think that it's so it can be so counterintuitive with a dating context and program and conversation because I hear a lot of people, you know, before they join, or maybe they're not a good fit or whatever, but they say, like.

[00:33:52] If I, if I tell them there's nothing to fix, there's only growth, or if I tell them there's, and then some people are like, but then why would I join a program if [00:34:00] there's nothing to fix? You're like, well, and I, and my response is like, growth is a different thing than like, it's a totally different thing than fix.

[00:34:13] Yeah. Yeah. Fix assumes that there's somewhere to go somewhere to be that you're late. That you're, you're behind, right? And growth is like, yeah, you're where you this, like a, like a, like a plant that's growing. It's like, you wouldn't be like, you're wrong for being where you are in the growth process. You'd be like, oh, yeah, they're where they are in the growth process.

[00:34:37] That plant, right? I mean, with a plant, there is a life cycle and there's, I guess, like a tree, you know what I'm saying? Like an oak tree or something like that doesn't stop growing. Not like a plant that. I'm too deep in this metaphor to turn back. I'm too deep. Yeah. Oh, my God. That is, um, [00:35:00] I more recently, I feel like came across that phrase of yours and it totally aligned with this experience I had of.

[00:35:07] Oh, Chloe, like, you don't have to, like, yeah, fix this thing within you, like, you know, and that comes from other people's fucking dating advice, right? Like, just, you know, love yourself and like, love will come. Love happens when you least expect it. All that stuff. I'm very impacted by those larger stuff. Sort of aphorisms.

[00:35:33] Is that the right word? I don't know, but we'll go with it. Like, like, um, those platitudes, platitudes. Yeah, platitudes feel better. Um, I'm very impacted by them. Um. And probably part of it is like early on, um, kind of, uh, exposure to the concept of manifestation without, without what I think now we're figuring out the crucial, your nervous [00:36:00] system needs to be regulated and you need to write, figure out your next best thought and then.

[00:36:07] You start to bring in things, right? Like that magnetism is always there, but if our nervous system isn't regulated and we're not open to and able to feel our feelings, the things that we're trying to manifest, like, there's going to be, you know, energy in the way. And again, that's not a fixing. It's a, like, coming home to yourself and I'd be safe in my body.

[00:36:31] Can I experience my thoughts and feelings? And then turn to the world with my, like, you know, sunny magnetic self. Yeah. Um, and so that's why those things impact me because I was exposed to that early on. And that also further made me think I had stuff to fix. Cause I'm out here trying to manifest shit and it's not coming to me.

[00:36:52] Right. Well, and that gets into a thought that I've heard a lot amongst. Brazen breakthrough members, which is this idea of like, [00:37:00] well, I've been told that there's some deeper resistance that I have. And if I didn't have this deeper resistance, then it would have happened already. So if I didn't have something to fix, then I would have had it already.

[00:37:11] Right. But that's presupposing that everybody who's in a relationship, right, is, is doing something that you're not doing instead of Romantic relationships happen in their timing, sort of randomly people meet people and sometimes they're the right people, whatever that means. Sometimes it's a season.

[00:37:32] Sometimes it's a lifetime. Sometimes it's like, you know, whatever there's no, I think that for me, the point of this work, this conversation is to help people create freedom from the, like the chains of the belief. That there's something wrong with you and that you need to fix it in order to find love and in fact, it's the it's the inverse that I think love will happen.

[00:37:58] It's inevitable when [00:38:00] you allow yourself to be human, show up and ask for what you want, because I think what happens with the resistance narrative and tell me if this is like tracking for you, but with the resistance narrative, I think people are more likely to shrink. And more likely to take up less space, not ask for what you want because there's something to fix.

[00:38:17] And I, how dare I ask for what I want versus showing up asking imperfectly eliminates any sort of resistance to being a human and being in the world and eventually getting what you want because of it. Does that make sense? A thousand percent. I'm like sending you a bunch of a hundred emojis, you know, thank you.

[00:38:37] Yeah. I, I love the concept of the shrink versus the like open and expand because I think really resonates for me to be messy is the open and expanded thing. And it's actually like, it's a little scary, but it's a little fun, you know, yes. And, and to think that, yeah. There's something wrong with me. It's like, okay, I got to hunker down and fix it versus, yeah, let me [00:39:00] go take my neon class.

[00:39:00] Cause that sounds really cool. And I'm, it's going to be hard because I'm doing a new thing. I haven't learned a new thing in so long. Right. So, so, I mean, even as we were doing this one small task, I was like, Oh, I literally like, I cannot do this. Yeah. Your muscles are like, wait, what? Um, and I mean, the resist, I think the shrinking to makes me think of the perfectionism again is closing inward.

[00:39:29] I got a fix to be the perfect thing before I can open and something I'll go back to talking about working on my E. B. P's with, um, my accountability buddy this weekend. I was feeling really resistant to going over to her home to work on this. Um, and actually after our call on Thursday, I sort of had this like, kind of.

[00:39:48] Yeah. Downshift for like a few days and then I realized I was resistant because I was afraid of going and doing my EBPs again and them not being perfect. [00:40:00] And as soon as I acknowledged that I was like, guess what girl? Like, they don't have to be perfect. They're probably going to be pretty damn good. Yes.

[00:40:09] You know? Yes. Yeah. And that, it just like released me from the anxiety and the fear, which comes with like a, Oh, do I have to get this word exactly right? And like, does this align with like, you know, this person's like belief about X, Y, and Z? It's like, no, how do I want to feel in my body? And like, Even if I don't even have the right words, which I feel like I have some pretty good words or, or ideas.

[00:40:36] It's how I want to feel in my body. And that for me is truth, period. Amazing. Yes. And thank you more, please. Yes. So, oh my gosh. Thank you. Thank you more, please. Like all over the town. All the, like literally coming all over the place. I'm, I want to talk about what is dating look and feel like for you now.

[00:40:56] Yeah, let's start there. Yeah, so I'll say it used to be a mix [00:41:00] of non existent versus stressful, hopeless, and then full of situationships. And now I feel like situationships, I'm just, I, they are not in like my vocabulary, my worldview anymore in the sense that I know how to like stand firm in my truth when it's not good in my gut.

[00:41:23] And let's say, like, move on or what have you. Um, and I think the biggest thing is that I just feel a lot more calmness, a lot more ease, and honestly, a lot more trust. Trust is actually my, like, word for 2024. Trust. Um, trust in myself. Trust in the people that I already love in my life, my friends, my family, um, and trust in, yeah, that what I want is fucking possible.

[00:41:57] Yes. And that, [00:42:00] yeah, the right relationship, I mean, I'm pulling this out of your brain swag, but the right relationship is like on its way to me. Um, and. Yeah, so I think it's just the feelings of the experience of dating have shifted dramatically over the course of, yeah, effectively, right? Like a year, um, am I on the dating apps right now?

[00:42:20] Nope. When I started on the dating apps? Nope. Cool. Like, you know, and I, this is, they're optional in this process. Yeah. And I think that's, that was honestly a huge relief for me. To like, get, get that permission, you know, I had, I told you earlier, like, I sporadically use them in my life. They've never been a big part of my life, but I found that when I did use them, they weren't like supportive in the way that I wanted to feel.

[00:42:49] Now, I've used them somewhat over the last year. Maybe I'm ready again to try them again. And they might just not be the tool for me. Instead, I'm gonna take neon class [00:43:00] and like, talk to three hot dudes. Like, you know. Fun. So fun. And if it's not them, then you could become friends with their cousin. I don't know.

[00:43:10] Like, it's, it's all, your social circle is expanding and that's exactly what a dating app. is good for. So you're already doing the things and making the connections. Yeah. And I'm, and I'm trying to just, yeah, like be myself fully and doing things that make me happy, which, you know, I think is something that you talk about a lot.

[00:43:33] So my dating life, yeah, it feels calm. There's way less pressure. I don't feel. Yeah, I don't feel a sense of hopelessness anymore that I think, again, that fix, Chloe, you're just on the edge, you're on the edge, like, just fix that one thing. That is gone. Yeah, do I still experience hard feelings? Hell yeah.

[00:43:50] Like, right, I'm going to get frustrated, sometimes I'm going to feel lonely, and sometimes I'm going to feel sad about that. And I get to just, like, [00:44:00] turn to myself, acknowledge that, and be with the feeling, and then, you know, it shifts, and then I get to go and be joyful again. Something else I think in general, I mean, this is a big win too, that I shared on Brags and Wins a while ago, I, I've been, like, playing around in the kink community for Honestly, since the beginning of coven, which was a great time to start being in the King community, because everyone was like, well, we just live in our houses now.

[00:44:27] So it started off for me kind of in this, like, interesting online way. And then, as, you know, the world kind of shifted again, I was like, I want to be. In the community, locally, in person, because that is endless opportunity for new people. Um, in the kink community, it is like, generally very In SF, it's very vibrant.

[00:44:48] I mean, right. People, like, do classes at the organizations that are here online, like, all over the world, right? The Folsom Street Fair is the hub of all of the kink things. Right. [00:45:00] Yeah. Continue. So, yeah, I'm actually very Bless and lucky for my like kink life that I'm in the Bay Area. But I, so I kind of have, I've had probably a goal to go to what's called a munch.

[00:45:11] It's like a social kink event, usually at a bar. Sometimes there's like a given, right, like let's say appetite and people that have that particular kink might gather or it might just be completely social for everyone in Oakland or everyone in San Jose or whatever. I've been trying to go for at least a year, but to go solo was intimidating.

[00:45:32] Even though I'm an extremely outgoing kind of don't give a fuck what you think about me person. Um, and then yeah, I think probably eight or nine months into being in this container. I was like, fuck it. I'm just going to go. Um, and there is an event that happens once a month. It's called the elegance munch.

[00:45:52] It requires semi formal, formal. Oh, I remember this. Yeah. Yes. I remember this. And it's in the most casual location ever. It's like [00:46:00] fake grass and picnic tables outside. But, you know, we show up on mass like dressed in the nines and so I showed up like an hour and a half into start time. I'm wearing like 5 inch platform heels.

[00:46:09] My alter ego dress, which is moody princess vibes. Um, I was just, I felt so good. I was so excited. And I got there and I saw the people and I was a little intimidated. I went and got my name tag and then I went back inside to get, um, a frozen kombucha, which is delicious, by the way, and then I kind of took a moment when I was inside.

[00:46:32] I texted my friends. I was like, okay, I'm kind of nervous. I'm a little intimidated and I was kind of shaking, you know, and I was like, but I'm just going to go. And then I put my phone in my bag and went back out. I just sat down at the picnic table and then had like the best time. The best time I was just, yeah, it was just totally like myself engaging with new people, learning things, whatever.

[00:46:56] And then there had been a [00:47:00] gentleman who made eye contact with me kind of early on. And I remember kind of. Something resonating in my body, but. I didn't really see him again because I was way over here and there was quite a lot of people and then about an hour in I was like, you know, this conversation with this group of folks for me is like kind of winding down.

[00:47:16] I see 2 men about my age sitting over there by themselves. I'm going to get up and pop myself over there. And I did and that was just like, so fun. Um, and then it ended up being me and the 1 guy who I had made eye contact with earlier. Um, yeah. Yeah, we ended up having the most wonderful conversation. He was not available for the same thing I was desiring in the world, but we had a wonderful conversation.

[00:47:41] You know, at the end, he was like, I'm at, so he was in town visiting from somewhere else. He's, uh, married with kids in an open relationship and he was like, I'm going to a bunch of other events while you're here. I'd explained to him. This was my 1st and that I had been intimidated to go. He was like, I'd love to go to other events with you.

[00:47:57] Yeah, my phone number, which for me, that's a huge [00:48:00] thing. I want someone to approach me to ask for my phone number, right? To like. That's like a desire for me. That just feels so nice. I'm to have to what I kind of call put the burden down of doing all the work. Um, so that just felt really nice. And then he ended up driving me and pausing.

[00:48:16] You co created that opportunity to receive right? So I think that that gets misconstrued of like, that the total, like, take your hands off the wheel and you put your hands on the wheel by showing up to the event and by Chloe, I'm going to get in there and by approach it by. Okay. Receiving the eye contact, noticing how you felt in your body, and then going to the table.

[00:48:38] A thousand percent. You're right. I, I did not give that enough credit and you're right. And I, in hindsight, afterwards, I realized I was doing the things that like I want to do, which is to put myself in the path of opportunity. Correct. And then for me, it often is to then step back. Yeah. That's what feels good to me.

[00:48:59] [00:49:00] Yeah. I co created it. It was a co creation. Okay. So keep going. So you, he got your number. You got my number. But then I had Ubered, uh, cause it was, I didn't want to drive. And so he drove me home. And that again, also felt so nice. I was like, yes, I will take a ride home. Thank you so much. Um, and we were kept chatting in the car.

[00:49:17] He's like, you know, I really, I don't, I just want to keep hanging out. And I was like, again, that feels so damn good. Thank you. And I felt like a little, I was kind of a little tense. Like I said, my history has been full of situationships, oftentimes with people that aren't available for the thing that I want.

[00:49:31] Um, and he drove me to my house. We were in my car and he was like, I don't want the night to end. And I was like, Honestly, if you'd met me probably even four or five months ago, I'd invite you in right now. Um, but I have a headache. I'm tired. I think I just want to go inside. And he was like, okay. And he was so respectful.

[00:49:49] He was like, can I get out and give you a hug? I was like, yes, please. He got out, gave me a hug. We parted for the night. And for me, that, that last [00:50:00] moment was like the biggest win. That's probably my biggest win in the work here in this container. For me, that is like a 15 year. Oh, that's it. I just got goosebumps.

[00:50:13] That's a 15 year pattern that I broke. I literally, I checked in with my body and even if I hadn't had a headache, like my body was saying, no, this person isn't available for the same thing you are. You've had a really good connection, you know, let you guys could go to some events, but tonight I'm saying no, because I know that that won't serve like my heart.

[00:50:36] Yeah. Um, and that was a huge win. Oh, thank you more, please. Oh, it was so much. Thank you more, please. That's amazing. And then the next day, you know, I hadn't told him I just want to be friends. So the next day I did, cause I was really anxious. And then as soon as I did, he was like, totally respectful of that.

[00:50:57] Then we ended up having like, You know, [00:51:00] a connection that I then got to make an even more empowered choice to do because I listened to myself the first time I got to break my pattern. And then I had this amazing experience where I got to feel in an embodied way what it feels like to be in connection with someone who feels safe.

[00:51:17] And caring and a good communicator, like all the things that are like, basically in my essence based preferences, I got to experience with this person. But first I had to do an insanely hard thing. And that was that was magic to me and it's different than the hard thing of forcing yourself to be on a dating app.

[00:51:36] Right? Oh my gosh. Because the hard thing, the hard thing started with you pursuing joy. Yeah. Exactly. That's why I love this example, this experience. I come back to it again and again and again, honestly, for my own self. And now I'm going to like kink events. Like there's so many, I could go to two a week.

[00:51:56] Oh, my God. And that's probably so much more in person connection [00:52:00] and eye contact and like potential sexy time. Like, that's so fun. Yeah, I mean, and a lot of kink is play. Yeah, it is, yeah. That's actually one of my essence based preferences is play. I don't even, well, I do use kink in my I know, I was gonna say, no, you do Chloe, I remember it.

[00:52:18] But so much of it is play. Like, there's an event in February that's like carnival themed. And I I'm going deep down like this whole of creativity I didn't know, which was dressing up to the damn nines. Yeah. It's your cosplay. It's like literally, yeah, I did not know that was something that brought me joy, but it brings me so much joy to stand in front of the mirror and like put together six things and like fun heels and like, no, I don't wear that every day, but it is a creative, delightful.

[00:52:44] Sing for me. And had you not explored, why do you think this inflection point happened of even exploring the kink more deeply? The kink of it all, not the kink as in a singular thing, but like the kink of it all. Like what, what was the [00:53:00] inflection point? Being in the container and like just having, I think a lot of the like kind of concepts just like resonating and coming back at me and reflected to me.

[00:53:14] I had met someone on a dating app, the experience. was like interesting. I learned so many things. We did not move forward after our first date, but after that I put the apps back down because I was having this experience. Like the apps don't, they're, they don't feel good for me. They don't feel aligned to my body.

[00:53:30] So I said, all right, if we're putting down the apps, we got to like ramp right in person here. Yeah, and I think I just like was starting to feel confident that I can hold my own. I've been holding my own since the jump, you know what I mean? Like I like was the captain of my soccer team. Like I am like, you know, just like I know how to be that person.

[00:53:54] Well you can yourself. Exactly. And it's like, you know, COVID I'm sure impacted a lot of people and trusting [00:54:00] that feeling or knowing that truth about them. And it certainly had, for me, I thought I was an introvert. No, sorry. I've been an extrovert my whole life and then COVID arrived and I was like, I guess I'm an introvert.

[00:54:10] Incorrect. It's because I wasn't getting access to the extroversion to other people I needed actually, that made me sink down. And so for me to recognize that, I literally have it in my, like, my Daily, weekly, monthly kind of goals. I have to go and do two to three social things a week. Now I can't do much more than that.

[00:54:30] Cause then I get overwhelmed and tired. That is how I sustain my wellbeing. And so it was just like coming into that truth about myself helped me. And then as soon as I was at the event, I was like, I'm great at this. Oh my God. Thank you more. Please. I love that so much. And, and you're embodying like the in person.

[00:54:52] Dating life that I hope for everyone of this, like permissive, joyful [00:55:00] connectivity. And I'm so excited for you and to see this all unfold. Thank you. Me too. That's the best part. Like 2024 is just like shining excitement. Honestly, I haven't felt this way in a really long time. I think a lot of things are coming together for that to be true.

[00:55:17] And it's like week over week, day over day. I'm like, Oh, I feel good. And like. I get to like go pursue stuff and I put down the perfectionism. I get messy. I'm like, oh yeah, and then I get to still say no to stuff. Ooh, I am going to title this episode like, like something about in person dating, because I think that that's like the, I think that that's the externalization of the deeper work that you're doing.

[00:55:45] And I'm so excited for you. And I'm just curious to wrap up, what would you say to somebody on the fence about joining the Brazen Breakthrough? Jump off the fence into the container.[00:56:00]

[00:56:01] I mean, when I think don't hesitate, trust yourself. Take the leap. Like Lily always says, I like you, I've got your back and that's 100 percent true. And so does everyone else in the container. And then you in conjunction with this group of amazing humans. Gets to like, learn what it means to have your own back and how, for me now, 2024, my word is trust.

[00:56:28] That's amazing. Yeah. It's not something I think I believed was possible before. I love hearing this so much. I'm, I'm emotionally like overwhelmed, dear listener, because I want to like. Cry. I'm so excited for you, Chloe. I'm so proud of you. You have really allowed yourself to be supported as evidenced by even, you know, the other coach you work with, like the, the stuff that you've done to listen to yourself and to get support.

[00:56:55] And I think that what a beautiful example [00:57:00] of a human who is creating the life that she wants period. To be doing that is a revolutionary act. Um, I know. So actually it's revolutionizing. It's breaking like not only your situationship pattern, but like the patterns and the legacy of the women in your life.

[00:57:18] Potentially totally. I think about that a lot. I'm almost 2 year old niece. Um, and she is joy personified in us being, I think about her a lot, actually. She's, I mean, she's lucky to have you in her life and she's going to be looking up to you. You know what I'm saying? Like for sure. Yeah. Well, I am so grateful for this episode, Chloe.

[00:57:42] Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and words and heart. And I, uh, I just am so honored to be your coach. It's been, it is the, it is a joyful experience. Thank you so much. This was so fun. So fun. And I just, [00:58:00] I appreciate and value this container in the space and being in connection with you.

[00:58:06] Awesome. Well, friends, you can check out the brazen breakthrough. We're open in a matter of days. We're opening the door. So you can check that out in the link in the description of this episode. Chloe, thank you for coming on and friends. I will talk to you next week. Bye You

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