196. How Julianne attracted a feminist man and is building an epic partnership
If you date men and have ever wondered if the feminist partner you want exists, this episode is for you! This week, we explore the Brazen Breakthrough tools, mindset shifts, and strategies that Client Julianne applied to attract a feminist man and is now building an epic partnership with him.
Lily and returning guest Julianne dive into the evolution of Julianne's love life since her last podcast appearance. They discuss the importance of self-trust, essence-based preferences, and the empowering shift from muscling through dating to co-creating a fulfilling relationship.
This is a must-listen episode for anyone wondering if their ideal partner exists.
We get into:
How Julianne used the Brazen Breakthrough tools to attract a proactive, feminist man her way
How attraction is an essence-based preference
Co-creating a relationship with someone can be fun!
Links:
Lily’s book, Thank You More Please, is available for preorder right now and you can grab it and the preorder bonuses with this link!
Show transcript:
[00:00:00] Lily: Hey, I'm Lily Womble, former top matchmaker and founder of Date Brazen. After setting up hundreds, I realized that with coaching, women could match themselves better than anyone else ever could. With my unconventional feminist approach, I've helped women around the world build courageous and self trust filled love lives.
[00:00:20] And now I'm here to support you. Get ready because I'm about to show you the exact steps you need to attract a soul quenching partnership and feel amazing about yourself along the way. This is the Date Brazen Podcast. Hello, gorgeous friends. Welcome to another episode of the Date Brazen podcast. Today's guest came on in the green room before the episode started.
[00:00:40] And I was like, no, no, shut up, shut up. We have to, we have to hit play. We have to, I can't, we need to save this for the podcast because it's so exciting and juicy. Today we have a client of mine named Julianne, and she is going to come on to talk about What's going on in her love life right now? She's done the brazen breakthrough.
[00:00:58] We did work before the brazen [00:01:00] breakthrough. We're going to get into all of it. She was on the podcast a few years back and this is her update episode. So Julianne, hello. Let's, let's just get right into it. No more intro. Hello. Yeah. Yeah. Let's, let's do it hot. We're just going to dive right in. What did you say to me?
[00:01:14] Before we hit record when I was like, shut up, we have to start.
[00:01:18] Julianne: So I'm in a, I guess like tragically new relationship, although like we're four months in and it just, um, I was just telling Lily how it feels so like calm and anxiety free and just like fun and wonderful. Um, he actually, uh, he met my parents this past weekend.
[00:01:33] So, um, yeah, that went well. And my mom, um, My mom called me actually just a few hours ago to say, like, I know you're on lunch, but I just wanted to, like, see what he thought of us. It was like, he thought you guys were nice. Like, what did you think of him? And she's like, I thought he was a very nice guy. Like, I don't know.
[00:01:49] They're, they're being like a little, it went very well. It was just, yeah, I'm super happy like weekend. And yeah, I'm like, can I tell you, I'm so excited to be on because I had the [00:02:00] episode. For, um, where I was like, very still single having already done, um, reason breakthrough. And so I'm so excited to, like, come back on now.
[00:02:09] Not that, like, it's like, oh, the. You know, this is the, this is the singular goal that makes, like, the, the doing it as success, but it's just, um. It's been so wonderful to enjoy, like, you know, the, the results of this via this. You know, relationship, but also that the stuff that I did before was all just as important.
[00:02:28] And also, especially because I'm somebody who I did brazen breakthrough 2021, right? Yeah. I'd be like, mine's a story where did brazen breakthrough you and I worked together for a while when I went after, but it wasn't like this immediate, Oh my gosh, I did it. And then there's the person like, right. So I'm really, really excited to like talk to other people about what that's like and how it's still, you know, even when I was single having done it, I felt like, you know, this stuff was really felt like the right stuff for me [00:03:00] and, uh, and like the.
[00:03:01] The relationship is wonderful and it kind of it grew from there. Right. But it's, um, yeah, it's kind of all part of it.
[00:03:07] Lily: You know that I'm all about that both and and I wanted to, you know, I, for many years, I think Julianne struggled with bringing on guests of the pot, like my clients who had found love because I, you know, was conscious of the comparison that can happen sometimes or a lot of times when single folks see coupled folks in the, you know, that, that narrative of like, why not me now?
[00:03:33] You know, and, and, um, that makes total sense to me. So this episode is not to say like, Julian is ultimately successful because blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, right? Oh my gosh. It's I think it's this just acknowledgement and celebration of how you have stepped into having your own back more and more and more over the last three years and how [00:04:00] that produces bonuses, including a relationship, including I know updates in your work and updates in all sorts of places in your life.
[00:04:09] So. Let's get into it.
[00:04:13] Julianne: Yeah. Yeah. And can I say on that too, that, um, on like the, you know, the, the relationship and, and the hesitancy, um, because yeah, you know, I know, um, I was single for a really, really, really long time. And I mean, and I guess part of my goal too, going on today is to, um, um, you know, to You know, for everyone, obviously, but especially for, for women who have experienced being like single for a long, long, long time, just making them feel like seen and supported.
[00:04:43] And like, you know, I, one story that's like, you know, things are going very well for my love life right now. But, um, I, you know, basically my entire adult life, I was not in like the, the stable, happy, you know, Normal relationship that I [00:05:00] wanted. And so this is like being in that now is wonderful. This, this is after like a long, long time.
[00:05:06] And I know I had lots of thoughts for a long time, which working with you helps manage around, like, you know, is this ever going to happen for me? Um, Oh my gosh. Like I'm hearing a story of somebody that happened so easily for eventually I met someone and it did feel easy, but the road to get there did not.
[00:05:22] Feel easy. Um, and something I'm just so grateful for is how, like, working with you helped me just like manage that and find happiness and find like confidence. Right.
[00:05:30] Lily: And
[00:05:32] Julianne: how I was going about it. Yeah,
[00:05:34] Lily: well, let's take people back to like, what, how would you describe, you know, you sure you were single for a long time just for the people listening.
[00:05:41] Did you feel like. You were a late bloomer. Did you feel like I have been in a ton of the relationships or a few relationships that don't feel good at all? Like, where, where were you at?
[00:05:52] Julianne: Yeah. Um, so I didn't feel like a late bloomer necessarily, but what I did feel was that like, I just had not found something that worked.[00:06:00]
[00:06:00] Um, I was, I think in my twenties and a lot of like brief relationships or situationships more, more accurately that like, We're not what I wanted or, or I thought I wanted them, but it turns out that they were missing like big things that are definitely like deserved. Um, and. So, and that those situations just that were punctuating, like, long, long periods of being single, like, I think the dominant, like, state of my adult life has been, um, being single, being on my own.
[00:06:31] And when I was in my. Twenties that really hurt, um, and I didn't know what to do to change it. I saw friends getting into relationships and thought like, why, why isn't this happening for me by the time I turned the corner into my thirties, I did feel as though I was starting to settle more into some ideas around like.
[00:06:53] Okay. I'm going to like, keep out like, you know, emotionally people who aren't kind of giving me what I deserve. And I [00:07:00] want to kind of pull back a bit more, but I didn't feel like I had a roadmap to like, how do I do that? And I live in Brooklyn. I was doing the very, you know, the 30 something women in Brooklyn.
[00:07:13] Like I'm, I'm single. Several of my friends are single. Like how, what's happening here thing. And just, Was increasingly feeling like I don't know how to, how to find this person. I don't know how to manage myself in the interim. Um, and that's when I found your stuff. I think my therapist suggested was the one who suggested to me that I, um, work with like some kind of dating coach outside of just regular therapy.
[00:07:38] And so I Google around, I found your website. It had tons of like, you know, feminist, uh, messaging that I loved. And I just felt like, oh my gosh, like her description was absolutely like, this is, this is me. This is how I feel. So in 2021 was when I did the brazen breakthrough and I was 33 at the time. So it was like 33 coming out of like the [00:08:00] worst pandemic year, like, you know, on the, um, on the backside of that and very ready to like, find my person.
[00:08:06] Lily: Tell me about what do you remember of that time? Like the first phase of our work.
[00:08:11] Julianne: I remember being just really ready to, to do the work. And I had this sense of, I will admit that it was kind of like, well, nothing else is working. Like, I don't know. And I think there was secretly this hope inside me as we were starting that session that like, you were going to reveal some big like secret that was going to be like the thing that was going to like attract the person.
[00:08:37] To me in this very predictable, like, you know, all of a sudden, like everything would be wildly different way. But I remember you emphasizing to us this thing around when you start dating again, dating will be the same. You are going to be the thing that's, that's different. Um, and so once I really like oriented myself around that too, like, okay, this is what it is.
[00:08:57] I remember embracing it. Um, I [00:09:00] remember generally feeling like. This is kind of a great process to go through. And also my sense at the end of it, at the end of the official brazen breaker, the program was like, like, this feels essentially right. You know, I, I also, I really appreciated that the way you talked to us about it, like, all the time was that, you know, you said, like, we don't control the timing.
[00:09:21] Like, I, we don't know, like, when, like, When certain things are going to happen, or, you know, this is not like a do this program. And again, in 3 months, like, there, he will be kind of thing because, like, and I actually made me feel more secure about it because I was like, oh, she, she knows that, like, this isn't we can't guarantee those.
[00:09:38] Like, I know that. If you could have like snapped your fingers and like back in 2021, I'm like, guess what? He's going to be there. Like, I'm sure you would
[00:09:46] Lily: have for sure. Or that like, if there was that person, everybody would be going to them, right? Like they like that thing. Yeah.
[00:09:56] Julianne: Like, like, you know, nothing that's like pretty easy sell.
[00:09:59] Right. Yeah. [00:10:00] But I remember coming out of it and feeling like, well, there wasn't any like magic. Answer, but also of course there's no magic answer, duh. And this thing that I've been doing, like this kind of like long term game plan feels like essentially correct. Right? Like I had a set of like ideas and principles about how I wanted to go about this, that I was, that I used for the next like two and a half, almost three years as I was looking for, for someone.
[00:10:31] I can't claim that in the interim then that like. Every single moment of that journey, I felt like every teaching and just like, you know, Oh, I'm like completely Zen and like, I definitely have my moments of like, Oh my gosh, it's still never happening. Uh, um, but I think that like, what was so important was that I always like, I always had it and I knew it was there.
[00:10:50] And I just continually kept bringing my brain back to it as like, like all of the, all of the answers that you wanted, like, they [00:11:00] are They are, they're here, um, and you don't control the timing either, but this is, you know, this feels like the right stuff to, uh, take care of yourself and your journey before you get to him.
[00:11:13] Right. Basically.
[00:11:14] Lily: Right. Yeah. Well, and, and I think that what unites all this. Work doesn't negate your brain being a human brain. Like it doesn't mean that you're you're no longer going to be a human being. You're now going to be a robot. Congratulations. And the the desire and the goal and what you are living, I think in what you're reminding me of is like the tools.
[00:11:37] To comfort yourself to manage to manage your mind through a freak out and like allow yourself to be human without spiraling without making it mean everything right? Like those tools are essentially center you and your desire over making the fear into a fact, right? Like you can have a moment of thinking like, Oh my God, this fear [00:12:00] is, is, means that it's not going to happen or whatever, but it sounds like you were, had the skills then to like, come go through those moments and have your back more and believe your desire more instead of getting in the download, delete cycle all the time and never, and like settling.
[00:12:17] For the wrong people again.
[00:12:18] Julianne: Yeah, it was definitely afterwards. You know, like, it was not a constant spiral of Oh, my gosh, because dating is so hard. It's so hard. And I like, no one knows that more than you with like, the clients you work with every day, and everybody's just struggling through it. And it's I like, I would never want to present it as like, Oh, it's like, it's so easy.
[00:12:38] I did it. Like you can too. Like, Oh my God, it was, you know, there were times still when I was, um, upset or just feel like, Oh my gosh. Like, where is he? Um, I like put it out in the universe. Like I'm ready to meet you. Where are you? I'm stuck. I'm sick of waiting for you. But I felt like the difference is that I didn't spiral all the way down to [00:13:00] the bottom of the shoot.
[00:13:01] Every time on that stuff, I was able to like. Step back and say, okay, like, this moment feels really difficult right now. The framing around, um, you know, it might be possible that was something that I used all the time. Like, okay. Things feel hopeless right now. It might be possible that there's somebody out there who's going to be just as excited to meet you as you are to meet him.
[00:13:23] Like it's not. Moving possible that could be somebody who's equally attracted to you and him you to him like it's just even sometimes. Um, so I will admit I'm not the biggest like, we're journaling person. It's just like a personal, like, I, but I feel like in my thinking all the time, sometimes it helps me to think of him as a real person before I met my current partner, like, instead of being like, oh, the universe has no one to give me thinking of him is like, okay, I'm going to just like, take a leap of faith and trust that you exist and kind of be like, Hey, I, Can't wait to meet you.
[00:13:55] It's going to be great. Just like, let me know when, but you know, like, which is [00:14:00] it puts you in a different mindset from just this total, like scarcity. There is, there is no way. Yeah. Yeah. Like this idea that. Like the world is big. The planet's big. Like what if there is somebody walking around the planet who could be a good match for me and just like, and of course that's true.
[00:14:19] Lily: You know I, I just know too much. I've seen too much. I get DMs all the time from you, from other people like, Hey, didn't think it was going to happen, but oh my God, we're like a few months in, we're a few years in and it's so amazing. And like, Oh, my God, didn't know it. And I'm like, of course. Yeah. You know, right.
[00:14:40] Yeah. I, I want to know what skills you look back on as like core to your ability to date with intention and to like, ultimately find somebody who feels really aligned. Like, can you point to any skills that you learned? In the Raise and Breakthroughs specifically, but you know, whatever [00:15:00] comes to mind, like, were there any tentpoles that feel important to share?
[00:15:03] Julianne: So a big one for me was the Bless and Release. I don't think I talked about this in the podcast last time, but it still happened after that podcast, right? Where you and I crafted a couple of really like wonderful Bless and Release messages together in our one on one coaching. Um, and it feels like a skill that I, I got really Not just good, but just comfortable, comfortable using.
[00:15:24] I didn't feel like it took away from, I didn't think I was being like an uncool girl by sending these kinds of messages. Like I felt the opposite. I just felt like, Hey, like I am modeling like a better kind of standard of. Behavior and compassion for pushing this whole dating thing for basically, like, every guy that I did that to it was like, hey, this is you don't have to ghost.
[00:15:47] You don't have to be a jerk. Like, this is you have the option in the future. If you want to use this to, like, do something like I did. And I just feel like I was so much clear with myself around. Okay, I don't think this is the [00:16:00] person able to process my disappointments around that, but also like, do what I needed to do to just like, keep keep looking.
[00:16:08] Yeah, right before I met my boyfriend, there was like a blessing release kind of like that a situation that like, you know, you know, Needed a lesson release of somebody that I was disappointed that like, it wasn't going to work out with when I went on my first date with my current boyfriend, I was still very much in like, oh, man, like, I'm still feeling like the effects of this person that I knew wasn't going to work out.
[00:16:32] I think it's not just like the technique of the blessing release. It's this mentality that says that like, you, this is not good enough for me. Like I, I need something different or more. And it's perfectly like, you know, normal and like, understandable that I want this. So I'm just going to keep looking my ability to take this previous person and say to myself, you know what, like, this isn't, this isn't him.
[00:16:59] And [00:17:00] I'm in the mean, what time I'm going to. Like, take an action that says, I am putting myself back on the apps this week, and I am going to, yeah, this guy seems, you know, he seems nice. We have a couple of things in common, you know, good, good guy. I'll say yes to a date with him. Yeah. And so I was on the way to the date, just like, proud of myself for, you Here's another thing, actually.
[00:17:21] Um, I was proud of myself on the way to our first date just for the very fact of like going on a date. Yeah. I was like, how do I, the idea of like, how do you make this a win without it having to like be the, be the person? Yes. Yes. And so I was, remember sitting in the cab on the way to the, um, to the bar thinking, I'm really proud of myself that I, I know what I want.
[00:17:44] I, you know, am, you know, managing my feelings around this other person. And here I am still like, It is a win just to go on this. To be out here on this date, I don't remember before my friend and Chelsea, clearly the audience. It's not like I was [00:18:00] like, on a Bumble or hinge date every other week. Like, that's my 1st, like, update in months or something.
[00:18:07] Like, I just hadn't really been on it. Um, and I, I hadn't really been on that many updates that year. And it just was like, okay, and then he wound up, like, being, being my person say that he hadn't been the person. Um, and I'm, I'm going back home after that date and just kind of like, I still would have had my back in a way that was.
[00:18:26] Like, stronger and way better off than I would have been if I had never, like, worked with you, right? It just was a totally different, like, Well, I'm
[00:18:33] Lily: hearing so many juicy nuggets here of, like, you didn't allow somebody who was wrong for you, the bless and release before your boyfriend, You didn't allow him to define The next season of your dating life.
[00:18:49] Mm-Hmm. , which I think happens with a lot of people who haven't yet, you know, gotten practiced at the skill of blessed and release. And the mindset of blessed and release is you actually [00:19:00] put, like, this is to help you bl like release the wrong people without the mind drama because it's not that nobody else exists who's better for you.
[00:19:08] It's that the mind drama of, or did I just, is that the best that I can do? Is it gonna happen for me? Is that possible? The mind drama is what a lot of times shuts people down because they're fearful that those thoughts are true. And what I love is that you were very mindful of like, these are thoughts, not the whatever thoughts I have about this act, this person that I'm blessing and releasing, like, They're hard thoughts.
[00:19:33] It might be possible that more is out there. And then you defined a winning results, which we do every single month now in the brazen breakthrough in a special like winning result call where you're like, what am I in total control of? I'm in control of being proud that I am going on this date. That is that I am winning because I'm going on the state.
[00:19:53] And then the bonus of showing up in that way was you were open to somebody who was actually really [00:20:00] right for you.
[00:20:00] Julianne: 100%. Can I, like, keep going and add on to that because I feel like another dimension of this whole, like, you know, first date thing, second date thing was, um, The self trust that I built up in the program and also just like working with you afterwards and still being part of the slack.
[00:20:17] And we talked about it in on the podcast a couple of years ago. So I was just listening back. Um, and and it came into play here because, um. I, so I went on this. First date and it turned out was a very good first date and we had a lot in common and it was just really easy to talk to him. I'm like, kind of noticing like, like, Oh, I think he's actually pretty cute.
[00:20:36] Like, I think, um, he jokes, like, you know, I was like, I was going for the under cell. Like I was going for you to, you know, be, I don't know, like, um, but you were, were you expecting him to just be like passable? No, I was expecting him to be like, fine to like cute looking. And then he was. Yeah. He was more cute in person.
[00:20:57] Okay. For sure. Yeah. Yeah. I wasn't like, oh my [00:21:00] gosh, like, I don't, but then I got there was like, oh, oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Love. Love that. Yeah. Okay. Um, but, uh, yeah. So I I'm thinking to myself, okay, we just had like a few hours of really like easy, fun. Like, conversation, and it got quite deep at some points that I think we both weren't expecting, but it just felt like natural to go there.
[00:21:23] But the end of it, I started not after the date. I started thinking to myself, basically, like. Uh, is it's almost like I was afraid of. Oh, my gosh, like, is this actually it now? And how do I how do I know that? And how do I say yes? To it if it is. Um, 'cause it's almost as though you felt that after the first date I felt so I felt like this could be something, but it was like, how do I, how do I know that this is what I really want?
[00:21:56] And I'm not like saying yes, because he seems [00:22:00] like a really nice guy. Yeah. Who like checks a bunch of my boxes and everything. So what did you, and he's also because Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, so what I did, actually, what he did was. I asked you a question, a coaching question in the slack, and I said, like, this whole situation with this other guy, you know, I'm feeling kind of emotions.
[00:22:19] I probably need to bless and release him. And I mentioned at the end that there was this other guy that I just got into a first date with that, um, felt really good. And the question was like, how do I, how do I know that I'm like, making the right call on, on how to like, move forward with him? And you just said, like, what if you couldn't fuck this up?
[00:22:36] What if you. Yeah. What if you just trusted that, like, you're, you're gonna, if you pay attention to yourself, like, you will notice how you're feeling and reacting to him. And it's not as though I needed to, like, know everything after the first date about how it would unfold. It's just like, oh, here's how you felt on this date.
[00:22:58] And then you, do I want to go [00:23:00] on the second date? I said, absolutely. Yes. So, okay. What if you just paid attention to yourself and how he's making you feel? And it was also a couple with, you know, all of the essence based preferences that we'd worked on and that I felt just very strongly about and was very confident.
[00:23:15] And I think, um, by that time. That, like, feeling like a, like, a real, like, spark of attraction was so important to me, and I feel like the 1st date, it was perfect. And we had a good time, but I was like, I don't know if, I don't know if like the spark spark was there for me, but I was like, okay, he's like, he's cute.
[00:23:33] Interesting. Like there are good things here. Why don't I go on that second date? Um, because I want to. And then I did. And I think within the first like minute or two of sitting down on the second date, it was like, Oh, I, my body felt like, Easier and happier, like sitting down in the booth across from him, like starting to talk to him again.
[00:23:54] It wasn't like, Oh God, I'm on this date and now I gotta, you know, I gotta figure out my exit plan for an hour from now. It was, Oh no, [00:24:00] I'm happy to be in this presence of this person again. Um, and the second date was like amazing. And, um, yeah, it was like, I, uh, gave myself enough space to say like, let let's like, see if this is there.
[00:24:14] I think while also remaining true to my desire, the like. I want to spark and I need to spark, you know, it was like, I, if I hadn't been there, I would have said, I'm, I'm really sorry. But like, you know, after the date, like, this is a. Going anywhere, but it was from day two. It was pretty like day three was great too.
[00:24:33] Uh, but day day two was like, okay, like this is really when my brain switched on to like, Oh, this could like, you know, this could really be something a person. Yeah. My God.
[00:24:44] Lily: Well, what I'm hearing that I think needs to be said, we haven't really talked about it on the podcast yet is this idea of, okay. So the idea of the spark can freak.
[00:24:53] People out, you know, like what, what is the spark? What does that mean? Is it a slow burn? Is it a spark? I mean, this [00:25:00] is like, I went on Tamron hall because they in January, because that was like the theme of the episode. Is it the spark or the slow burn? Whatever. And my answer is always like the nuanced, but not very, uh, tick tockable.
[00:25:12] Like it's in the middle. Like it's, it's nuanced. It's whatever. But I do think that attraction is an essence based preference. Yeah, and we talked about this privately probably are in the brazen breakthrough, but like on the podcast, I don't think we've really talked about you get to feel full body attracted to somebody which gets to be an essence based preference.
[00:25:35] It's not like that's shallow or like, no, it's part of what you desire. So you get to want it. And as evidenced by this story, you get to have it.
[00:25:46] Julianne: Oh, 100 percent and that was something that, um, specifically for me that, like, I really worked on when I was in the brazen breakthrough. And then in our coaching, I knew I wanted someone that I felt this, like, very genuine attraction to where it wasn't [00:26:00] like manufacturing something in my head that just for the sake of this other project.
[00:26:04] Other boxes being checked, you, um, really helped me reframe that as like, yes, like I get to, I get to want this. I get to ask for it. I get to hold out for it. It's not something that is like, yes, I'm being shallow. And therefore I should just like, you know, date somebody who there's other things like preference type stuff and like language and dating world that.
[00:26:27] I feel like boils down to, oh, if like, if he's all of these other things that you really like, like, maybe you should overlook how you feel about him. Like, Physically and, you know, I didn't have like a specific, oh, he must be exactly like this fill in this, whatever in mind, but I knew that I wanted to feel that attraction.
[00:26:47] Like, the difference was like that. This is how I want to feel when I'm around this person. It was so important for me to, like, to know that that was something that I wanted so that I could go into those states and say, like, okay, I have, I'm [00:27:00] going to, you know, Open myself up emotionally enough to say, like, let me kind of test and see if that's there.
[00:27:05] Um, and then, uh, and then if it's not, then, like, it is still a no go. Um, and then it turns out with this person who's also like, wonderful in other ways. It was, which is great. Yeah, thank you more. Please. Thank you more. Please. I want to know.
[00:27:20] Lily: Did you ask any qualifying disqualifying questions? Was that a piece of the puzzle for you when you were talking or like figuring out like what?
[00:27:28] How did that conversation go?
[00:27:30] Julianne: You know, I don't know if I did. It feels though. The conversation with us once we started like talking in person was just so easy that it wasn't like I didn't have a strategy at that point. Or if I had before the date, it was very quickly like, oh, I'm just going to kind of go with it.
[00:27:49] And I also felt like. When I thought of my essence based preferences, 2 of them were not just like, being smart, but being curious and interested in just vividly [00:28:00] remember. Yeah. Yeah, another 1 was kind of being like, you know, fun and a bit outgoing and 100 percent extrovert, but somebody who likes experiencing the world.
[00:28:09] Um, and. Very early on in our conversation, I felt like there was strong evidence of those. So it's like, I didn't even have to ask the question because it was just there. So good. Um, but then the, the physical attraction part was another part that like, it was kind of like for the second half of the first date, I, my mind, I was just kind of trying to gauge like, okay, like, and I almost think some of my reaction to him on the first date was that feeling of when you meet someone who's, From an online dating app and this you've never seen this person before you've never, you know, heard of them before.
[00:28:45] Um, there's a bit of, like, mental orientation around like, oh, like, do you do I find them attractive? Like, I don't I don't even know kind of like what you're doing. Deal is whereas, um, like many other people, I'm sure I always find it much [00:29:00] easier, had found it much easier to can meet someone in person. And then over time you start to notice little things that you find attractive about them.
[00:29:07] And you have this like, aha, like light bulb moment, like I'm attracted to you. But, um, but yeah, the, the dating app doesn't work that way. So I think, yeah, it was like, Oh, these are, these are the first three hours that I've ever spent in this person's company. And. Trying I don't know. I was trying to assess it.
[00:29:23] And at the same time, I think that on the 1st date, I might have been like, asking myself that question in my head a little too much. Like, what do we think? What do we think? Well, I attracted. I hear
[00:29:31] Lily: that. I interpret that as like hyper vigilance. Yeah, because especially because of your history and like what you've been through and this is the part of like, give yourself the benefit of your context.
[00:29:41] Like, of course, I was trying to figure out everything because you had these thoughts and questions, but I don't hear that you like indulge the hyper vigilance. I hear that you just like you acknowledged it. They were thoughts in your brain. They were like questions in your brain. Totally fine.
[00:29:58] Understandable. And then you [00:30:00] got the information you needed from another date.
[00:30:03] Julianne: Right. And again, I think the coaching was so, um, helpful right there because I, you know, I was, I was thinking these things and there's part of my brain going like, okay, we know based on everything we have learned that like this, this first aid doesn't have to be like the single answer to this whole problem.
[00:30:18] And like, I'm kind of like, what do I, what do I do? How do I approach this? And so just getting the nudge via the coaching Slack to say, you do not need to have all the answers right this second. Like, what if this is an inherited unfolding? What if you couldn't fuck this up? What if he and you are really going to be a good match?
[00:30:37] Like that, that answer will show itself this. I do believe, actually, I do believe that it will show itself sooner rather than later. I think that what's sooner is kind of a personal, like everybody gets to find, like define that for themselves. But I had a sense of, you know, for me, for example, I was like, it's not going to take 10 dates for me to like, have a sense of [00:31:00] which way it's going for me.
[00:31:01] It will reveal itself. Like it's not like a puzzle that I need to figure out. Like it'll, it will show itself to me and I just need to like kind of be there paying attention, like being engaged and like see if, see if it is. So good.
[00:31:16] Lily: That's the co creation. Yeah, right. Versus the muscling, which is the muscling is like, I need to know all this stuff and da, da, And this may sound counterintuitive to what I teach with qualifying, disqualifying questions and asking questions, but I do think there's a difference between muscling and trying to like, make it happen yourself, whether yes or no.
[00:31:36] Versus co creating and like asking a question and show it, seeing how they show up in their answer and like trusting that this will unfold. And sometimes you're going to freak out about it and that's okay. Like the both and of it all sounds like it was very present. Like both. I'm unsure on this 1st date totally of whether or not I'm going to be with this person and then, and I'm going to go on a 2nd date.
[00:31:58] Julianne: Yes. Can I say [00:32:00] something about the co creation too? Because like. Okay. My boyfriend is so the co creation was just there right from the beginning in a way that I had never experienced before. Um, and. I think that was also something that, that not only was wonderful, but it just like really emphasized for me, like, Oh, like this is, this is different and this could be the right one.
[00:32:24] Um, and I know I, there are several things that I remember you saying to me throughout either brazen breakthrough or, or our coaching that have wound up being so true for my relationship that I remember you saying then to me and me thinking. Oh, I really want that to be true. Wouldn't it be so nice if that's true, if that winds up being true, but you know, I'm going to try my best to believe as much of that as I can.
[00:32:51] And then as you would say, like, I'm like, you're doing, you're believing that for me, like you're holding that belief for me, like if I can't do the rest of it, the idea that, uh, [00:33:00] that a man that I felt found really attractive could just show up and so calmly and confidently, like co create a relationship with me was just.
[00:33:09] Like I had, I had had so many experiences again, like two week deals, like, you know, four week things like interspersed over like a decade and a half of somebody not doing that. And me thinking, Oh, I, I like him. Um, this is cool. Well, I sent him a text and say, Hey, you know, fun stuff. Do you want to get together next week?
[00:33:29] And it's a really long delay. And then there's a, Oh yeah, I'm not sure. And you're just thinking like, why is this, why is this so hard? And then with Sam, he just. I just knew, I knew from the very kind of jump, the start of our relationship, how much he wanted to spend time with me and how much he kind of Liked me and respect me was just really excited to have met me and did all these little things to, uh, get to know me [00:34:00] better and to, um, try to see, like, what I cater things to, like, what I would like, you know, like he, um, I told you, he.
[00:34:10] He sent me like menus, like date menus for the first few dates of like, Oh, here are four, four different interesting ideas that I think we could do, like, which one do you want to do? And for a second, when I said, I want to go ax throwing and he said, okay, like that was my favorite too. Um, but, and I feel like in some ways that was, that was a version of a qualifying, disqualifying question for me, right?
[00:34:32] Because I had this essence, these preferences, like I want somebody who like enthusiastically embraces. The world and the city we're in and sees life is kind of an adventure and wants to do things. So for him to be like. Oh, and I, I didn't have to ask like, oh, like, we're like, oh, like he's just, he just, he had a list.
[00:34:49] He had a, he had a, yeah. And I actually, this is really cute, but I asked him later, like, did you just have a list of like date spots or was that, he goes, [00:35:00] no, I built those lists for you.
[00:35:02] Lily: Oh my God. That's if you could go back three years and be like, there's going to be a man who builds menus for you for dates and menus.
[00:35:12] Julianne: Yes. Day menus, except, um, co creation, um, so our third date, we went to, um, a hockey game, um, because I'm a huge Philadelphia sports fan. My, my Philadelphia Flyers were in town, um, and we went to see them play in Jersey. He asked me on this date in the middle of the second date that, Hey, what are you doing next Tuesday?
[00:35:36] I said, I don't know. And he said, do you want to go see the Flyers play? They're playing in Jersey. He had picked up information on the first date of how much of like a sports fan I was, how much I loved Philly sports. He apparently went home, Googled, like, when my basketball and hockey teams are going to be in town, saw that the Flyers happen to be in town the next week, and then showed up to the second date thinking, like, I have the third date idea.
[00:35:58] I just need to find the right time to propose [00:36:00] it. And again, like, it's, uh, he's a, he's a, he's a super planner. Um, I am. So lucky in that regard. He's just like, I'm like, like, what are we doing six months from now? I don't know.
[00:36:11] Lily: And that is sometimes just people's personality. You know what I'm saying? Like, like, uh, you know, I, I think in my relationship with Chris, he is a planner and he also Is not a planner.
[00:36:24] And sometimes I'm not a planner either. We have to kind of nudge each other. Like, Hey, can you do this? Hey, can you do this? Like, that would be fun. That'd be fun. So with that, you know, but I love that Sam is a proactive planner.
[00:36:37] Julianne: Yeah. That's extremely his personality. Right. But, but at the same time, it was, um, it was so much like, he was just always looking for ways to get to like, really know me better and to find like different ways to like, get us to see each other and, and like, Deepen our connection that we're so I didn't experience it before, but it was, [00:37:00] yeah, it was like, this is, this is what it feels like when somebody is like, showing up to your, you know, the new relationship that you're starting to build.
[00:37:08] Um, this is what it feels like to bill. something with someone.
[00:37:11] Lily: I'm so excited that you are able to show up in this relationship and allow yourself to be seen, allow yourself to be vulnerable. It sounds like allow yourself to ask for what you want and receive it. That is a testament to you really working out the receiving muscles in the last couple of years.
[00:37:33] Yeah. Of like, not, you know, I think that receiving muscles, receiving is a skill. And if you haven't been receiving what you want for many years, that skill can atrophy of like, is it possible? And then the doubt of, is it possible? Like, makes your like expectation of receiving kind of smaller.
[00:37:52] Julianne: Mm hmm. Yeah.
[00:37:54] And so then
[00:37:54] Lily: when somebody gives you like a crumb, that's when you're, because you're receiving muscles are smaller and they're a little bit [00:38:00] like, More atrophied, you'll be like, Oh my God, a crumb. Great. You know? Yeah. But you over the last three years have in coaching and in, you know, all of your work that you've been doing to shore up your, what your preferences shore up your boundaries, shore up your plan, shore up your blessing and releasing skills.
[00:38:19] You've been like really working out those receiving muscles to be practiced at expecting more.
[00:38:27] Julianne: Yes, although, yes, I would still say it was still kind of hard at the beginning of our relationship because of course, all of a sudden. Yeah. And that was something that I, I don't think I expected, um, the, of course, had everything to do with me and nothing to do with him because when you're somebody who has been single, basically your entire adult.
[00:38:50] Life and all of a sudden, this wonderful person, um, is in front of you and you're kind of starting this thing. Um, I found it. [00:39:00] Um, I found it weird sometimes, right? It's like, why are you bringing me a cute little gift that you picked out for me? What? Like, what is that doing there? Right? Yeah. Or, uh. Yeah, like I was, I was very used to being so independent and I was so proud of the, um, kind of the independence and the self sufficiency that I had, I had built.
[00:39:20] So I definitely needed to adjust, like how I receive love and affection from this person. But I think that it was coming from that foundation, right. That we built, like, I never had the thought at any point in our relationship of, oh my gosh, like, this is. This is too much, like, he's too good and I don't, I don't deserve this or, oh, like I was never scared of it on that dimension.
[00:39:44] I actually very much felt like this is wonderful and I deserve every bit of it. Good. Yes. So good. Yeah. Um, but yeah, I just had to, I just had to get used to. Because I think in all like, [00:40:00] previous little situationships, I was so used to giving, I was so used to being the one who like, gave more. It was always invested more.
[00:40:07] It was always trying harder to push this thing along that ultimately was not going somewhere. And then so to like, somebody who's kind of giving a lot back to you, it was an adjustment, right? It was a, um, it was a very different, different dynamic. And I think I had to, I had to learn I alluded to this earlier, I had to learn, like, how to, how to know that my yes was the right yes to this relationship when there wasn't that dynamic of like, oh, like, he's the 1, I can't have.
[00:40:36] And therefore I want, like, somebody who's unavailable to me. Um, it was like, oh, this, this great person is in front of me and therefore. Yeah, like, I think I can have this, how do I know that this is what I want as we continue to deepen this in a way that's fair to, to both of us. And I think, um, like, essence based preferences, [00:41:00] trusting yourself, like, not you need to know every answer at every step it's like, um, and, you know, it's been 4 months, but I just feel like it just deepens all the time, you know, it's, uh, there's something, I also feel like, you know, long time single person, There were these assumptions floating around in the back of my brain that, um, I'd meet someone and it would be instantly like, oh, my gosh, I am just like flooded with happiness all of the time and every single day will just be bursting with joy.
[00:41:34] And instead of what I was, is I was like. Very, very happy sometimes and just regular happy other times. And for some reason, my brain couldn't, I was like, I thought I was supposed to be like, this must be the most like this. This isn't the joy experience that I, that I expected. Um, and so realizing like, oh, like, I'm, I'm happy all the time.
[00:41:53] This is good. And also that, um, that it could just like keep building and building and that like there'll be things that like [00:42:00] month three and a half that you go like, Oh my gosh, like I'm just feeling a new, how happy I am with this. Yeah. That it didn't have to like be a week to spike that, you know, sustained over the rest of your life.
[00:42:11] Yeah. Well, turns
[00:42:14] Lily: out when you find an amazing romantic relationship, you're still a human being with a life. You know, and so it's like, you're seeing that there was a lot of hope and anticipation. A lot of that prep work that you did to prepare to know what it would feel like with your essence based preferences, like, sounds like it's aligned and sounds like it was a Spot on what you ultimately received, whether or not it was in the exact package that you expected.
[00:42:42] That's why I say, I love the work that we get to do in the brazen breakthrough, because dating is really activating. And you know what else is really activating finding. the right partner or an amazing partnership. Like that's really activating. So we do this work to prepare to [00:43:00] find, to find and to be in, to prepare, to be in the best relationship of your life.
[00:43:04] And so I'm just happy that you were willing to come and share a bit of your story in progress. Right. And, um, I am so, I mean, like throughout this conversation, just flashes of our coaching over the last three years have popped into my mind. I still vividly remember so many conversations and I. I'm so glad you took me up on the challenge of owning what you wanted blessing and releasing without apology and trusting your desire.
[00:43:32] Julianne: Can I say like maybe one or two final things? Like one is like, I remember, I want to say, I remember a conversation that we had one on one, um, where I was very emotional and saying, I've been single for so long. I'm having a hard time conceiving of a person who will be as excited to meet me. Like, I'm just assuming this man's going to be out there somewhere.
[00:43:53] Men's life is fine, but he'll like be, I guess, happy he met me, but I will be the one who's like that much more excited and [00:44:00] it will mean more to me. And you were kind of telling me, I don't think that's what's going to happen. Like, I think that you will experience it in the same way. Um, and so even though my boyfriend, Had a different story.
[00:44:11] Very different story relative to mine. Um, that was so true. We are both just like equally excited to, um, to be together and be in this. And it was like, Oh, like Lily was right. I remember that vividly. And the final thing is that like, I guess the program gave me, and I think like sustained me for the two and a half, three years before I met someone, um, was like, I feel like I, I learned how to be open to hope in a new way.
[00:44:37] It was like, let's. Because it is hard and you're acknowledging all the hardness and how to and how to work through it. But, um, I, I understand why people might feel like I'm done with this. This is this is too hard. I want to, I want to shut down. I don't want to engage in this part of myself and my emotions, but, um.
[00:44:56] I don't know. I, um, I just hope that for people out there, if [00:45:00] they're been trying for a really long time, if you've been trying for a short time, if you, if you feel like it's, it's hard, like, it definitely is. Of course it is. But, um, I think, and it's not as though I felt incredible. Wonderful hope every single second.
[00:45:15] I definitely did not, but I think it was about for me, like continuing to come back to that hope with like the program that our work is a foundation to say that I am not going to perpetually exist in this place, in this mindset where like, you know, there are no good feminist men I'm doomed to be alone forever.
[00:45:33] They're like, I'm going to continue asking the universe to say, like, I know that people like this are out there and I am going to like, take care of myself, take breaks sometimes, but ultimately like keep going until I find one of them. And I did. So thank you.
[00:45:48] Lily: Thank you. More, please.
[00:45:49] Julianne: More, please.
[00:45:49] Lily: More, please.
[00:45:50] More, please. More, please. Thank you, Julianne. I'm so grateful you were game to come on and share part two, many more updates to come, I'm [00:46:00] sure in your love life. And I'm so excited to just witness your journey. And it's my honor to be your coach and having you in the brazen breakthrough over these past couple of years has just been a joy.
[00:46:14] And I'm really grateful that you're in this program and that you're in this space in life that we get to talk about. Thanks.
[00:46:22] Julianne: Me too. Me too.
[00:46:23] Lily: Y'all. The brazen breakthrough is open right freaking now. You can join with the link in the description of the episode or the link in our show notes. You can also go to date brazen.
[00:46:32] com to find out more about brazen breakthrough doors close very soon. And I would love to be your dating coach officially. Let's do this. Bye, [00:47:00] Julianne.