163. Breaking dumb dating rules
Today, Lily is sharing an incomplete list (because the list keeps on growing!) of the dumbest dating rules. She also offers her hot takes on how to break them. The ”rules” covered in this episode include:
Dumb Dating Rule #1: You have to be on a dating app to be trying
Dumb Dating Rule #2: Playing the numbers game - by constantly going on dates.
Dumb Dating Rule #3: “Give them one more chance. You NEVER KNOW”
This episode will help you free yourself from standards, rules, and pressure not serving you or your love life.
Some Episode Hot-Takes:
“A dating app can be a really powerful tool when you use it with boundaries, specifically when you see it as a tool and not the answer to your dating life.”
“Know your preferences deeply and choose dates intentionally. You get to trust yourself.”
“Pursuing the numbers game myth in your dating strategy is a quick ticket to burnout.”
“Hold your expectations to growth, not perfection.”
Links:
SAVE YOUR SPOT for Creating a Confident and Joyful-as-fuck Dating as a Burnout Feminist Badass
131. How your coupled friends can help you
135. How to create your essence-based preferences
162. The complete dating detox guide
Transcript:
Lily Womble:
[00:00:00] Hello, gorgeous friends. Welcome to another episode of the Date Brazen podcast. I am so freaking glad that you're here because today you are going to get an incomplete list, but a list nonetheless of the dumbest dating rules. And, uh, how I encourage you to break them, I say incomplete list because this is a conversation that I started with myself when I started date brazen and, uh, the dating world, as you know, is full of patriarchal.
[00:00:31] conventional bullshit that is encouraging you to shrink in your dating life and beyond, especially as a person socialized as a woman, if that is you. And, uh, so the list of dumb dating rules keeps growing and I keep, uh, discovering them and making more content about them. So that's why I say incomplete list.
[00:00:49] And I know that this episode is really going to help you to free yourself from standards and rules and pressure that is not serving you. [00:01:00] or your love life. It's not serving you. It's not serving. These rules aren't serving you. They're not serving what you want. They're not serving, uh, you, you in attracting what you want.
[00:01:09] Like let's get free of the bullshit that is not serving you. I also want to, before we dive into this episode, I want to tell you about my live free training that is coming up. on October 17th called Creating a Confident and Joyful as Fuck Dating Life that Makes the Right Relationship Inevitable. In this free training, you are going to learn my anxiety relieving dating framework so that you can create a dating life that is as brilliant.
[00:01:40] As successful as the rest of your life, you are going to be in a community of bad asses in that room who are moving forward in their dating lives together on their terms with all of their power, with all of their feminist values. And that's what I'm going to teach you how to do inside of this free training.
[00:01:59] This [00:02:00] is a one time free training. It is going to be there or be square. What do I mean by that? I mean, you are going to want to get your butt there. If you want to learn how to meet somebody in person without a dating app, you're going to want to be there. If you want to relieve the pressure and the overwhelm from your dating life and actually create a dating life, that is an expression of your agency and your joy and your power.
[00:02:26] You're going to want to be there. If you identify as a late bloomer, potentially, like I. Did if you have been feeling overwhelmed by the, the idea of even where to start in your dating life, or if you're just out of a longterm relationship and you're like, I don't know how to even go about this shit. I don't ever want to settle again.
[00:02:47] How do I not do that? Then you're going to want to be at my free live training on October 17th. Again, that title is creating a confident and joyful as fuck dating life that makes the right relationship inevitable. I [00:03:00] know that when you do this work with me, when you learn this anxiety relieving dating framework with me, you are going to have a clear path to the best relationship of your life and you're going to be able to date with more joy and confidence than you even thought possible.
[00:03:15] So go to datebrazen. com slash joy to sign up for this free live training. You can also go to the description of this episode to sign up for this free live training. And with that, let's get into this episode.
[00:03:33] Hey, I'm Lily Womble, former top matchmaker and founder of Date Brazen. After setting up hundreds, I realized that with coaching women could match themselves better than anyone else ever could. With my unconventional feminist approach, I've helped women around the world build courageous and self trust filled love lives.
[00:03:48] And now I'm here to support you. Get ready because I'm about to share the exact steps you need to attract a soul quenching partnership and feel amazing about yourself along the way. This is the Date Brazen [00:04:00] podcast. Okay, let's talk about the dumbest dating rules on the top of my mind right now. I'm thinking about them all the time, obviously, because I'm coaching hundreds of badasses in my programs inside of the Brazen Breakthrough specifically.
[00:04:13] These dumb dating rules are so pervasive that you might not even think of them as Something that you can question. You may not even think of them as something that are optional because the way that we've been taught to date specifically folks who are socialized as women is still stuck in the dark ages.
[00:04:35] It is still stuck in the patriarchal dark ages for so many reasons. I think that the way that the Um, people socialized as women have been taught to get educated and enter the workforce and how they've been taught how to negotiate. Like that conversation has shifted majorly in a way that the conversation about dating has not in the past 50 years.
[00:04:55] There is still, you know, one of my clients said the other day, something that I thought was [00:05:00] so poignant and well put, she said, I was taught that it was weak to desire. a relationship and pathetic not to have one. I thought that that was so powerful and well put. It was, I was taught that it was weak to desire a relationship and pathetic not to have one.
[00:05:18] And it puts single people into this catch 22, put single people into this, uh, into this like trap and dumb dating rules that hold up. That standard of either or either you are weak for desiring or you're pathetic for not having like that's why dating feels like shit. That's why you're dating life feels impossible.
[00:05:42] So I want to reveal these dumb dating rules to you and share what my hot take would be in breaking them. And then I will inevitably like have more hot takes as we go along because this this is just such a juicy conversation. So dumb dating rule number one that I'm going to teach you how to break [00:06:00] is it.
[00:06:00] You have to be on a dating app to be trying. You have to be on a dating app to be trying. This is such a dumb dating rule. Dating apps have been around for about 10, 11 years. That's when Tinder first came on the scene. And, uh, because they have become so ubiquitous in our culture and because these marketing campaigns, um, have been so successful.
[00:06:24] I'm thinking about like the designed to be deleted marketing campaign. I'm thinking about You know, Bumble being positioned as this like feminist dating app, whether or not it actually is feminist in practice is, uh, hotly debated. And uh, so I'm thinking about like all of the money spent in marketing designed to, um, convince you that dating apps are necessary to finding a relationship.
[00:06:50] And then I'm also thinking about the older folks in your life who may not have had access to a dating app who've probably said things to you like, Oh my God, if I had had a dating app in my day, it [00:07:00] would have been so much easier, right? This idea that because you have access to this tool, that dating should be somehow easier.
[00:07:09] Or your options should be more plentiful somehow. This is a dumb dating rule. And the idea that you have to be on a dating app to find love, that you have to be on a dating app to be quote trying is it. Actively keeping you stuck in a cycle of overwhelm and burnout and pressure that is not necessary to actually finding love.
[00:07:33] Now, I think a dating app can be a really powerful tool when you use it with boundaries, when you see it as a tool and not the answer to your dating life. And get this Pew Research 2023. Found that 12 to 26 percent of adults in the U. S. met their partner online. That means that the overwhelming majority of folks in relationships [00:08:00] met in person.
[00:08:01] Okay. Let that sink in. A dating app is not necessary to finding love. It is just a tool that you can use if you want. Like the, I think the opposite of dumb dating rules are. It is your self trust in your agency. And so when I'm going through this list, like if you like dating apps, cool. Two truths can be held at once.
[00:08:25] I know that the majority of my audience finds them incredibly difficult to use. And I know that the majority of my audience finds them like really triggering for their brains, bodies, nervous systems, which is why I want to give you the permission to break this dumb dating rule and to examine whether or not you actually want to be on a dating app.
[00:08:43] I really recommend, um, the last episode that I recorded, uh, The Complete Dating Detox because, uh, I, I, it really will help you reframe how you think about dating apps and how you think about how you're using dating apps. So, [00:09:00] uh, like, the, the, Answer to like not being on a dating app and still finding somebody.
[00:09:05] Cause then I hear the question, like, but how am I going to meet somebody in person? I never, right. In person strategy is a whole episode of the date brazen podcast that I'm going to get into very, very soon in person dating strategy. The basics of it are joy building. So doing things that bring you joy.
[00:09:22] And while you're in person. Making eye contact with cute people, making new friendships. I met Chris, my now husband, because I pursued my joy. I went to an improv class. Like I didn't know anybody in the city that I was living. I was living in San Francisco. I was like, it sounds really fun to do improv. I went and did improv.
[00:09:41] I met this amazing friend at this, uh, improv place. That friend then connected me to somebody who connected me to somebody that introduced me to Chris and that, that's the power of joy building. When you pursue your joy and you pursue intentional connection, beautiful opportunities flow from that. So number one, joy [00:10:00] building for in person dating strategy.
[00:10:01] Number two, use your friends, like go to my episode on how your coupled friends can help you. Um, we'll put that episode in the description of this episode. Um, as in addition to the detox episode, we'll put it in the description. So go check it out for more recommended listening, how your coupled friends can help you as an episode that I did about how to bring in co conspirators to your in person dating life.
[00:10:24] The other thing is like doing courageous things like. Going up to somebody and saying hi at a bar or a restaurant when you think they're cute and creating safety in your body enough to do that, right? I hear a lot of people say like, but I get paralyzed and approaching people. Yeah, it's nerve wracking.
[00:10:42] If you haven't practiced, then of course you wouldn't be good at it yet. You gotta practice. So that is how to solve for the dumb dating rule. You have to be on a dating app to be trying. Okay. Um, I also, uh, want to say like set boundaries. If you are on a dating app, 20 minutes a day. This is [00:11:00] my hot take 20 minutes a day.
[00:11:01] One dating app, not three, not five. Don't just download a dating app because your friend met their partner on a dating app. Like I'm giving you full permission. Be in your agency, in your self trust. Do not do shit in your dating life just because it worked for somebody else. You are on your own path. in your own timing and what is right for somebody else may not be right for you.
[00:11:23] That's why I love inside of the brazen breakthrough that we really get clear on what are your standards. What are your preferences? What are, how do you show up? How do you want your joyful as fuck dating profile to look? Because I go through like how to use a dating app joyfully, how to do so with boundaries and how to do so authentically to you.
[00:11:45] You know that thing where friends like grab your phone and they're like, give me your dating app. Like I want to see, I want to like make it over. Like maybe you haven't met somebody because you know, your, your profile isn't good enough. That's bullshit. Number one. Number two, if you give your dating [00:12:00] profile to your friend to make over, they're just going to make it over to be more like them.
[00:12:04] Okay. So you need to with all of the love set the boundaries. Because you know what's best for you and that's why I also love teaching people how to come into their best decision making how to come into their most joyful authentic profile that doesn't need outside validation because you know that you're the shit with.
[00:12:25] This process. Okay. Let's talk about the numbers game. Dumb dating rule. Number two, playing the numbers game by constantly going on dates. This is a dumb dating rule. Why? Because the numbers game is inherently exhausting. It was designed to, it is designed with the idea and the intention that you need to raise your odds by going on more dates.
[00:12:48] And that in doing so in quote, raising your odds by going on more dates, you are then more likely to meet. the right person for you because you're going on more dates. Okay. Uh, [00:13:00] this is not true. I have seen again and again that perpetually pursuing the numbers game myth as your dating strategy is a quick ticket to burnout.
[00:13:13] It is a quick way to burn out from dating, to stop dating altogether, and to stop putting yourself out there altogether. The numbers game, while the intention might be good, like, I want to meet my person. I want to put active effort in. You're used to, you know, your work life where you put active effort in, in this one way that you've been taught, and then you get a result, right?
[00:13:33] That project management, uh, of your dating life that you might have been doing. That's why I work with high achieving people. people to create strategies in their dating lives that feel more easeful for them for their dating life. Cause the way that you've achieved in your work life is not necessarily going to be the way that you meet your partner.
[00:13:51] You got to rethink that shit. If you want your dating life to feel joyful and confident, and if you want the right relationship to become inevitable, my solve [00:14:00] for the numbers game is because another piece of the numbers game is that. It's exhausting. And when you're exhausted, you're less likely to make the highest decisions possible for yourself.
[00:14:10] When you're exhausted, you're more likely to settle. So I'm also not saying like never go on dates. I think that that's the, that people are like, but if I'm not playing the numbers game, then, um, am I going on dates? Am I going to meet anybody? And to that, I say, you get to find the sweet spot in the both and because I get that.
[00:14:32] Your brain wants to know what to do to meet your person and your brain has, has either like shut down dating or been dating times a billion. Finding the sweet spot in the middle means getting really intentional with your essence based preferences, which I teach you how to create for yourself in episode one 35 of the date brazen podcast, creating your essence based preferences and letting those [00:15:00] essence based preferences drive your dating decisions.
[00:15:04] Drive your dating decisions, meaning getting really intentional with asking people questions before deciding to go on a date with them. That means if somebody asks you out immediately and you aren't sure if they meet your essence based preferences, at least on a level one basis, because, yeah, you can't know if somebody meets all of your essence based preferences for a long term relationship before a first date, you got to get at level one of understanding.
[00:15:30] So for example, if your essence based preference was compassionate. And your definition of compassionate was, you know, they, they treat people with kindness and they really care about social justice in this particular way. And they also like, um, have close relationships with their friends and family or friends.
[00:15:51] Then you would ask questions to gauge whether or not that person had close relationships. Like when you travel, who do you go with? Or what is your ideal [00:16:00] Saturday look like? Or what's bringing you joy lately? And looking for them to display their level of connectivity and compassion in how they answer those questions.
[00:16:07] And then looking for how do they ask you questions back can very easily gauge. Whether or not they have like level one compassion based on your essence based preferences. I hope that makes sense. So being intentional in that way, not just jumping into a date and also not pinpalling forever. How can you be super intentional with what are my essence based preferences?
[00:16:32] What questions am I asking somebody to gauge whether or not they have my essence based preferences on a level one basis? And then how am I said, how am I either asking somebody out intentionally? And making an empowered first move and seeing if they like co create a date with me, I don't have to project manage.
[00:16:49] I don't have to micromanage this. It's a co creation. And then when somebody doesn't meet my preferences, how am I blessing and releasing? Those are the questions I want you to be thinking about as you go [00:17:00] about breaking this dumb dating rule of playing the numbers game. I would, you are for the few, not for the many.
[00:17:04] Your job is to define the smallest number of people possible that could be right for you based on your essence based preferences, and then going after those kind of people with abandon, with fierceness, with confidence. This is also something that you're going to learn how to do inside of my free training on October 17th, plug, shameless plug, and you can register at datebrazen.
[00:17:26] com slash joy. You need to get there. Okay. Last dumb dating rule for now, because I love this conversation. I'm sure I'm going to do a part two. Oh my God. I have a list here. Let me pick the one that I think is the hottest. Give them one more chance or you never know. This is keeping you in a cycle. of distrust of yourself, because you know, at the end of the day, most people that I speak to do not have trouble.
[00:17:54] They say things like, I don't know how to trust myself, or I, I, I have trouble or I with trusting [00:18:00] myself, or I was in a bad relationship and I trusted myself in that. So how can I trust myself to know who's right for me and wrong for me? Look, I'm raising my hand. Same. I was in a really toxic romantic relationship in which I had convinced myself that I was, my needs were being met and that.
[00:18:15] It was fun to be in this relationship, even though it was exhausting and really hurtful and hard because my needs were not being met, but I was trying to convince myself that they were because I wanted to be in a relationship to prove to myself that I was worthy of one. So really taking a step back from that, the way that.
[00:18:33] I healed my relationship to self trust slowly is by engaging self compassion and by holding myself to the expectation of growth, not perfection. So self compassion might say to you, like, of course you made decisions in the past because you were doing the best you could and you were really trying and, uh, I'm here for you.
[00:18:53] I understand you and you're growing and that's okay. Deep breath.[00:19:00]
[00:19:02] Don't have a problem with having self trust, like having that instinct, you have a problem acting on it, I would guess like I did, you know, you get to trust yourself, like, you know, at the end of the day, if somebody is the person for you or not. And sure, maybe there are some times where you need to gather more information to get more clarity.
[00:19:26] That's very different. That like very intentional framing of, um, I don't know if they meet this essence based preference. So let me go on another date to see, to gauge, to ask them questions, to be intentional. And then afterwards, let me reflect, let me get clear on whether or not I felt the way I wanted to feel on that date, right?
[00:19:43] That's very different than, I just don't know, like, let me go on another date. What that was really saying to me when somebody says, Oh, I'm just, I'm going on another date because they were nice and they liked me, is that you are, are struggling with scarcity. And struggling with the [00:20:00] idea that what if what I want isn't possible, so I need to settle.
[00:20:02] What if the kind of relationship that I want isn't possible? What if nobody has that kind of relationship? What if, what if I just need to settle for good enough? I'm here to tell you, you gorgeous, brilliant creature, that what you want isn't possible. Is possible because you want it. I do not believe that you would have a desire for the kind of partnership that you desire if it didn't exist, and I know that because I have seen too many people, too many of my clients come in saying, I don't know if what I want is possible.
[00:20:37] Maybe I need to settle. Working on their essence based preferences, working on their boundaries, working on shoring up their, their self compassion practice, working on being courageous, even if they're nervous and scared, working on being in community, even when they might tend towards isolation and, and shame, but really choosing that they get to be in belonging, that they get to, uh, want what they want, [00:21:00] like that consistent work then makes the right relationship inevitable because you're finally believing yourself.
[00:21:06] You're finally putting yourself in situations where you get to. Be the decision maker. I had a client say this in a brazen breakthrough call, and I've never forgotten it. She said, I'm finally at the place where I know that my desire is evidence that it exists. And if you are struggling to believe that, then I am over here in Brooklyn, believing that for you until you can believe it for yourself.
[00:21:27] That is the. Non comprehensive list of dumb dating rules. I can't wait to do a part two. Let me know on Instagram at date brazen, what you thought of this episode. You can DM me, please screenshot and share this episode in your stories. If you liked it and be sure to sign up for my free live training on October 17th, creating a confident and joyful as fuck dating life that makes the right relationship inevitable at date brazen.
[00:21:50] com slash joy. Talk to y'all soon.[00:22:00]