If you want to date IRL and find your person, but you see someone cute and your body locks up, this episode is for you.

Freezing is a somatic response. It is your nervous system protecting you from fears like: What if they reject me? I’m definitely not their type. They’re probably coupled. Why even try?

In this episode, I’m naming each of these fears for what it is, and giving you the reframes and in-the-moment tools to move through the freeze. Fall and winter are a high value, high opportunity season for your IRL dating life, so this is the moment to start.

In this episode:

• The reframes for the fears that keep you frozen: fear of rejection, fear of not being their type, and the fear that they’re coupled
• Why you need to stop being your own helicopter parent
• The somatic tool I learned that helps you move through the freeze
• What to do in the bathroom the moment you see a cutie
• The five parts of a rejection resilience plan
• Client brags from Main Character Dating, including the client who made a credit union teller blush

Work with Lily:

🌟 Join my free 3-day live challenge, Stop Freezing, Start Flirting (Oct 25-27): https://datebrazen.com/challenge

📖 Get the book, Thank You, More Please: https://datebrazen.com/book

🌟 Join the Main Character Dating waitlist: https://datebrazen.com/dating

✨ Download my free Essence-Based Preferences Creation Guide: https://datebrazen.com/workbook

📸 Follow me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/datebrazen/

🎵 Follow me on TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@datebrazen

▶️ Follow me on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@DateBrazen

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Show notes:
lily (00:37)
So you see someone cute, your body locks up and you don’t know why. Freezing is a somatic response. It is your nervous system protecting you from these kinds of fears. What if they reject me? I’m definitely not their type. They’re probably coupled. Why even try? If this is you, this episode is for you. I want you to name each of these fears for what it is, just trying to keep you safe.

But something that is keeping you stuck from trying to date IRL and find your person.

I remember having this freeze response around cute people, and it was really debilitating. It was, it made IRL dating feel impossible. it made me feel even further like a light bloomer because I felt like I don’t know how to talk to cute people. I’m so awkward. I’ve I I trip over my words. And that only perpetuated me feeling more awkward, me feeling more un unavailable to IRL flirting, IRL dating, talking to cute people just in general.

Because I didn’t have any practice. So the fear created more stuckness, which created no like opportunity for advancement in my practicing the skill set of flirting or talking to cute people, which then became a self-fulfilling prophecy of me never dating, never talking to cute people, never never thinking that I was worthy enough to talk to cute people because of my own insecurity and fear. So I just want to point out that your fear is a self-fulfilling prophecy here.

That if you feel like a late bloomer, this episode is for you to help you start overcoming your freeze when you talk to cute people. So let’s talk about the fears and the reframes that I want to offer you. So the fear of rejection. Okay, you see a cutie, you freeze up in your body, it’s a somatic response. no, I can’t, I can’t talk to them. I can’t talk to them. Like I can’t re fear of rejection is very, very strong. Why? Because we as humans fear rejection like we fear death. It makes sense. But

You could reframe it to the thought, what if I try and it does work? What if they are interested in talking to me? And what if, if it doesn’t work, I survive it? And that’s evidence I can do brave things and connect with cute people, even if it doesn’t end up exactly how I’d hoped. If you have the fear of not being their type, not being attractive enough or whatever, what if you practice the reframe? It might be possible that I’m for the few, not for the many.

And that I can’t say the wrong thing to the right person. What if it was possible that I am a human deserving of connection? And whether I’m attracted or not, especially if I’m attracted, I can connect with people. It’s not that deep. Right? There are people for whom I will be their best case scenario, and I never know until I try. I think that another piece of this is the fear that your looks disqualify you, or that your the way you show up disqualifies you.

And I get that, especially if you hold one or multiple marginalized identities. The world is a a white supremacist, fat phobic, ageist, homophobic, transphobic, right? There might be many reasons why you feel like you’re not someone’s type that have nothing to do with your personhood, that have everything to do with the bullshit that our society is steeped in.

Both and this episode, this podcast, my work in general is about you reclaiming your desire, recentering yourself as the main character in your love life and everywhere, and going after what you want to connect with the right people.

So in this way, what if I’m not their type? What if it doesn’t matter very much? What if the right people make themselves apparent and the wrong people see themselves out? What if for the right person I am their best case scenario? What if for the right person they’re also looking for somebody to make eye contact with because they feel awkward at this party too? Right? I I I think like what of those reframes feels most resonant? Write it down, put it in your notes app, say it out loud and often.

Okay, the fear that they’re coupled. I can’t approach somebody, I can’t talk to somebody. I they’re they must be coupled. They’re cute, they must be coupled. Their relationship status is none of your business until they tell you what their relationship status is. Then it’s not even really your business. It’s just a piece of information. How would you know if someone is coupled just by looking at them? Unless they have like a ring on their left, ring finger, whatever. Like, you can’t know.

It’s human to go up to cute people and talk. How human of you that you’re going up to a cute person to talk. I’m giving you these reframes to help you imagine what it might be like to overcome the fears that are creating the freeze. The freeze.

So somatic response. It is not in the moment going to be logical, nor is it going to be solved necessarily by logic. What do you need to do to solve the freeze? In part, you need to find your feet, friends.

I got this phrase from Bea Victoria Alvina, who is an incredible practitioner and coach. And she talks about find your feet, find your feet, find your feet, find your feet. Like finding your feet can be a really accessible way to move through the freeze because the freeze is sort of this like disembodied, frozen somatic response. So if you just had the thought, I’m gonna find my feet, you might feel a little less frozen, a little more in your body, a little

more accessible to trying something brave. But before you try, I do want you to build some new neural pathways that move through your fear. Because right now, if you aren’t talking to cute people, if you’ve never flirted IRL, if you’ve never dated IRL,

You are probably letting your fears run the show. You are probably believing your fears, lock, stock, and barrel, that there’s nobody out there for you, that no one will be interested in you, and that you’re too awkward to make connections with cute people and it’s just impossible and it’s never gonna happen. And dating apps are the only option. Y’all, you’re like this dating thing, it’s a microcosm of every hope, joy, dream, fear, insecurity, desire that you have as humans. It is a place where you get to be well.

And if you are stopping yourself because of these fearful assumptions, then I need you to reset and start questioning them with this self-compassionate lens that says, Of course I’ve struggled with these fears. Both and they might not be telling me the whole truth. Both and they might just try to be keeping me safe. And what do we know about things that only exist to just keep you safe? Let’s talk about a helicopter parent, okay? helicopter parent does not allow.

Their child to do anything, does not allow their child to be free because of the hypervigilance of like, gotta keep them safe at all costs, gotta protect them from all of the dangers in the world. But in doing so, yeah, they might be protected from scraping their knee a little bit, but they are also gated from experiencing so much more joy, play, connection, freedom, self trust. Stop being your own helicopter parent and believing these fears, lock, stock, and barrel.

And instead start questioning them with a self-compassionate, of course, I’ve struggled with this. And it might be possible that it’s not that deep. And it might be possible that no matter what, I’m gonna have a rejection resilience plan, which I’m gonna help you build in a second, to move through these spheres to stop freezing and start flirting or talking to someone. Okay? So

That’s the like the why behind this and some reframes and the somatic thing that’s gonna actually help you move through the freeze and the moment, let’s say when you’re at the bar and you see the cutie and you’re like, cutie, Lily, Lily wants me to go approach them and say hello. That’s bare minimum. I just want you to go approach somebody and say hello and strike up a conversation to prove to yourself that you can.

Even if you’re awkward, awkwardness is the price of admission for connection. Okay, so I want you to, when you see a cutie, breathe. Find your feet, find your feet, find your feet, find your feet, find your feet. Before you say, I need to go over there, just find your feet. Just find your feet. Another thing that you can do is take a bathroom break. Okay. When you see someone cute, go to the bathroom immediately. Like, cutie, go to the bathroom. Make it like a trigger for you. Like,

See a cutie, go to the bathroom quickly. I don’t want you staying in there long, unless you have to go. But I want you to go in the bathroom, lock the door, and I want you to put a hand on your heart and your stomach. And I want you to take three deep breaths. When you’re breathing out, you might shimmy shake. If possible, I want you to do five beats in, hold it the top for three, ten beats out, three times. Find your feet while you’re in the bathroom.

Then, when you are about to leave the bathroom, you’re gonna say, I’m practicing courage. I’m proud of you. Or I am that person who approaches people. I am becoming my most fearless self. Or you could even say, the fear of talking to somebody cute is a fear, not a fact. Let me go do it. Then what do you do? You use 10 seconds of courage to do the scary thing. We are gonna go so much deeper on the

Practice of moving through your freeze and getting into connection, getting into your flirt with people, IRL. We’re gonna do so much more of this at my upcoming live challenge for three freaking days of coaching. I’m gonna teach you my feminist sporting roadmap, how to move through the freeze with even more practices and homework and reframes for you in the challenge than there were in this episode. And we’re gonna come up with the party action plan because the fall and winter are the absolute best times to.

Flirt and date IRL because of the possibilities with your co-conspirators, with your friends, inviting people to their parties, the possibilities of meeting new people and expanding your social circle, at social engagements, at work functions, at all sorts of things. People host parties at this time. So it is a high value, high opportunity season for your IRL dating life. So you can eliminate the dependence on dating apps and actually start meeting the right people for you with more courage so that you can start shedding.

The label of late bloomer, the the the feeling of feeling so behind irreparably, you can start shedding that and stepping into your most courageous magnetic dating season. I’m gonna teach you how to do this at this live free challenge for three freaking days. And you need to go to datebrazen.com/slash challenge to go get your butt signed up. And in the sign up,

there is a form that you can fill out. Ask me literally anything. And I am using people’s.

Anonymous responses and questions for me to make content, to build out the challenge, to make podcast episodes. your question might be picked to create part of the challenge around. So go register, ask me anything in that registration form that you will get after you RSVP. And I want you to celebrate yourself more.

This is what’s gonna create the dopamine hit to keep you moving forward, to keep you connecting with people. I want you to celebrate yourself even for thinking about this differently. Like, do a little shimmy shake, like good for me for listening to this episode, because your desire matters. Your desire is evidence that what you want exists. And I get that there might be a lot of fear in the room because this stuff is scary and new for you, probably, and vulnerable.

This idea of you becoming this version of yourself who flirts IRL and moves with the freeze to connect. I want you to celebrate yourself more. Celebrating yourself teaches your body that it’s safe and celebratory worthy to try new things, and that it’s okay to be scared, and that you can do hard things while you’re scared. So, the the final piece that we’re also going to talk about in the challenge that I wanted to mention on this episode, I’ve done a whole episode on it before, but it bears repeating.

Your rejection resilience plan is a necessary part to overcoming your freeze. Because when you plan, it’s kind of counterintuitive, but when you plan to be rejected, instead of hyping yourself up by saying, I’ll never, okay, I’m gonna try, and this time I won’t be rejected, like you might be, right? Let’s just be honest about when you are more courageous, it is opening up to the possibility of more rejection. It’s also opening up to the possibility of getting exactly what you want.

So, my job in this challenge and in this episode, and with all of my work, is to help you increase your distress tolerance so that you have more rejection resilience and more bounce back. The rejection resilience plan is essentially five things. Number one, in your notes app of your phone, you’re gonna plan what your brain will serve up after experiencing a no or a rejection, you go up to somebody and they turn away from you, right? Ouch.

Serve up the thoughts that your brain is gonna tell you. Like share them with yourself. Write them down. My brain is gonna have the thought I’m not pretty enough, I’m not desirable enough, who would ever want me? Okay, when you plan for your brain to be a human brain that just wants to be safe, it is going to be easier to move through those thoughts. Then the next four steps are SOFT, self-compassion, owning your needs, feeling your feelings, thoughts, not facts. And thoughts not facts

Will end with useful and true reframes that reconnect you to your why of why you moved through your freeze, why you approach somebody to connect, to flirt, to become my most courageous self, to ultimately find my partner, reconnect to your desirability and your power. Like it might be possible that this rejection moment doesn’t mean anything about me. It just means they were the wrong person for me, and I get to move on now with more courage. So I want to share.

A couple of examples from my clients who have used the tools that I’m gonna teach you in this live challenge because they’re just so good. My clients brag every single day in main character dating about their wins related to overcoming the freeze and flirting, even if they used to feel like a late bloomer, they’re doing it and successfully. This client said, I made a man blush. I’m scared, but I did it anyway.

She was depositing a check at her credit union and the teller was really cute. So before leaving, she asked for his name and then said, Thank you. I think you’re really cute. He was taken aback, stammered a thank you, and visibly blushed. She dashed out before he could say another word. And then she said, My hands were shaking. What a high. I really wanted to vomit, but I really enjoyed getting that reaction from him. I love it. Another client talks about like the 10 seconds of courage.

she planned to go to a singles trivia mixer, then decided last minute she wasn’t up for it. Then she took herself out on a solo dinner date to a restaurant she’d wanted to try and sat at the bar. One of the bartenders was good looking and super kind. She left her number on the receipt and she said about this: it took 10 seconds of courage to write my number, and she counted it as two dares in one evening, solo sit-down dinner and giving her number out.

another client, like the overcoming scarcity mindset. She met a cute guy at work and said, for the first time in I don’t know how long, my brain did not automatically go to I’m sure he’s taken. So the thought, I’m sure he’s taken, is a tool of disconnection, like with yourself and another person, potentially. Like, why not try to connect? She was proud of herself, even if nothing came of it, because her brain didn’t skip to the worst case scenario.

So the final one that I want to share a brag from our clients in main character dating is titled Imperfect in Person Flirting. And it’s this idea that awkwardness is the price of admission for connection. There was a guy at her gym who always wore cute bandanas and danced to his music and he always brightened her day.

She noticed he’d started working at the coffee place next to the gym. So she got a coffee after her workout to say hi. She said it felt so awkward, and the sign-off was definitely awkward, but at least I did it. I think that these are excellent examples of what it is like to overcome the freeze and to connect and to celebrate yourself for it. So I think that you’ve got the mindset work that you know is like.

You gotta do it to overcome the freeze before the freeze even happens, to acknowledge your fears and move through them compassionately with a reframe that is accessible and and useful and true feeling. Then you’ve got the freeze response mitigation in the moment. Find your feet, bathroom break, using 10 seconds of courage and then celebrating yourself afterward. And I’m gonna leave you with this: like, who would you become?

If you could effectively overcome your freeze response in the moment with someone cute or in the moment of an opportunity in general, how much bigger could your life be? How much more confidence could you embody? How much more self-celebration could you withstand? And I want you to come to this challenge because I want you to know for yourself: like, how supported can I stand to let myself be, to overcome this freeze response, to start flirting and dating like I

Like I and my desires matter because they do. Again, dating is a microcosm of your well-being and becoming the version of you who flirts without apology and doesn’t fear the freeze but knows how to move through it. And who knows who doesn’t fear rejection like you fear death anymore and actually knows how to move through it effectively and bounce back quickly to connect with yourself and others, that version of yourself makes the right relationship inevitable.

That version of yourself dates confidently, finds the kind of people who want to be with them too. They exist, you just haven’t met them yet. And so I’m really excited to lead this challenge. I love this content. I love teaching people how to flirt and specifically flirt like a feminist, which means like shooting your shot, owning your power, occupying space. And so I want you to go to datebraison.com/slash challenge to get yourself registered and ask me anything in that post-registration QA form.

And this week I want you to go notice when you freeze and find your feet. That’s it. I can’t wait to talk to you soon. Bye.