Jackie was burnt out to a crisp. She was in a job she felt trapped in, because the story was that she had to be of service no matter how she felt. She had taken a sabbatical that was supposed to be two or three months, and it took her a couple of months just to relax. She came back and was immediately depressed. She couldn’t see the forest through the trees. She had no vision. She just wanted to lay down.

She also knew she was a background person who wanted to be a main stage person, and she couldn’t say that out loud without shame about abandoning her community.

Inside Episode 282 of The Feminist Dating Show, Jackie shares her story of how she quit people pleasing as her default inside Main Character Era Mastermind (formerly Main Character Energy Mastermind), and what happened in the six months after. She left the job. She started her own company. She moved abroad, got the apartment she wanted in Edinburgh, and started dating with a lot more freedom.

Inside episode 282:

→ The difference between rest that hides burnout and rest that heals the burnout

→ How the skillset of self-trust changed Jackie’s dating experience for the better.

→ The micro inflection points where your brain wants to dress rehearse tragedy instead of claiming that it’s working, and how to catch yourself and redirect toward the best case scenario.

→ How Jackie built a self-care action plan she runs the second she notices herself spinning, instead of waiting until she’s already spiraled

💎 TONIGHT: Join my free live training, Quit Being the Best Friend: How to Stop People Pleasing and Finally Get What You Want in Love, Friendship, and Work Without Overthinking and Anxiety.

You’ll learn how to stop people pleasing, build rock solid self-trust, and become the main character of your life: https://datebrazen.com/best-friend

Work with Lily:

💎 Get the book, Thank You, More Please: https://datebrazen.com/book

💎 Join the Main Character Dating waitlist: https://datebrazen.com/dating

💎 Download my free Essence-Based Preferences Creation Guide: https://datebrazen.com/workbook

💎 Follow me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/datebrazen/

💎 Follow me on TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@datebrazen

💎 Follow me on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@DateBrazen

---

lily (00:00)
Hey, gorgeous friends, welcome to another episode I’m so glad that you’re here. I am thinking of you wherever you’re at right now, whether you’re listening to this on a walk or on your drive or sitting at your desk looking at your computer, should be doing something for work, but instead you’re hanging out with me, and I am just so thrilled that you’re here. So I have been thinking about you as I am want to do.

And I’ve been thinking about this idea of shooting your shot. I’ve been thinking a lot about this idea of main character energy, especially as our world and our country, I’m in the US, feels so uncertain and hard. Like, how can main why does main character energy matter and how can it change your life and the lives of those around you? And I think that this idea of

That I always talk about that dating is a microcosm of our well being. It’s every hope, joy, dream, fear, insecurity, desire that we have as humans. Dating matters to your well being. I think expanding even further your main character energy, whether or not you are people pleasing, whether or not you are shrinking yourself in your desires, whether or not you are settling in your life right now, in love or work or friendships or elsewhere, that matters to your well being.

And how you show up in the world matters to how you can make change in the world. And I know that a lot of y’all are probably struggling with burnout at work or in life in general. You might be struggling with people pleasing, this like constant nagging voice in the back of your head saying, Don’t upset that person or or do this thing because they’re gonna have this reaction and you really need to measure for that because

If they get upset, then you’re gonna you know, you you’re gonna be unsafe emotionally or whatever. Like this idea of people pleasing, I’ve noticed as I really untangle it from my psyche. It is pervasive in ways that you may not even realize right now. People pleasing and perfectionism have wormed their way into how we’ve learned to survive for good reason, right?

it makes sense why you are people pleasing. It makes sense why you might be stuck in cycles of trying to be perfect in order to survive. Both ends. I think this moment is an enormous invitation, an enormous invitation for you to get really real and really honest with who you want to be moving forward, what kind of life you want to live moving forward. Because, in the words of Mary Oliver,

What are you gonna do with this one wild and precious life? That question I think is more important right now than ever before. And if you are struggling with that nagging people pleasing voice in the back of your head, if you know that you are shrinking yourself and playing small in order to keep safe and in your little heidi hole, if you know that perfectionism and that high achieving tendency that you have is just making your life miserable.

lily (03:17)
Then I have a free live training coming up for you tonight called Quit Being the Best Friend: How to Stop People Pleasing and Finally Get What You Want in Love, Friendship, and Work. It is happening literally tonight, September 15th at 6 p.m. Eastern. And all those who register will get the recording, but being there live is where you’ll want to be. And at that live training, applications open for the first and only time this year to my proven mastermind, main character, Era.

lily (03:45)
So if you’ve been feeling behind, if you’ve been feeling constantly self-doubting, or if you have just been standing in the sidelines as sort of a background character in everyone else’s life, this training is for you. It’s time to become the main character of your whole fucking life.

without guilt, without overthinking, or holding yourself back. So if you’ve wanted to work with me not only on your love life, but on your life in general, to become the main character, to learn that skill set of main character energy.

This is the mastermind for you. In this program, the mission and the promise is that you are going to learn how to stop people pleasing, build rock solid self-trust, and become the main character of your life in six months or less with our people pleasing detox, and our hundred dares project, where you’re going to claim a hundred dares and start stepping into your most main character life possible in your love life, in your friendships, in your career.

In every domain, every facet of your life, you’re gonna step into main character energy. And it’s not only gonna change your life, it’s going to heal your burnout so that you can start showing up more impactfully for others. And that’s what you’re gonna hear in Jackie’s story, how she went from feeling so burnt out to a crisp, to where she didn’t even like resting didn’t even resonate. She was like so burnt out. She was like, I don’t know what to do, but I feel completely stuck

And exhausted and laying down on a vacation is not helping, to building the skill set of main character energy, leaving that job that was burning her to a crisp, starting her own company, moving abroad to the place that she’d always wanted to live, building new friendships and and and dating more joyfully with more freedom. and you’re gonna hear that in Jackie’s story today about how main character energy not only will change your life.

But it has the capability to change how you show up in the world and make a deeper impact in the world as well. So just know that the mastermind is coming. And if you’ve wanted to work with me at a higher level, in a more intimate space, this is for you. And we open at this free training So you can sign up right now at datebrazen.com or you can look at the description and in the show notes. And with that,

Let’s get into this episode with Jackie.

Today I have one of the sparkliest humans. I told her before we hit record, she literally is giving like main character in a romance novel energy at the end of the book. You know what I’m saying? Like the feeling that I get off of her is magnetic, and I’m so excited to talk to her. She was a part of main character energy mastermind. She was one of our members. and I’m so excited to.

jackie (07:09)
to chat. Hey Jackie. Hi. Hi. Hi.

lily (07:13)
What feels important for people to know about you before we dive into the mastermind?

jackie (07:18)
I am, I mean, just constantly in transition, but a recovering environmental justice consultant and current researcher of Joy looking for ways to support women, in particular racial justice advocates, through my work with VG Veritable Good Consulting.

lily (07:44)
Amazing. And tell the great people. I know where we met first and I know how that you know how that how it felt and how much of a joy it was to meet you at the very beginning of our journey together. But c let’s go back, let’s turn the clock back a little bit and start at when how did you like come upon main character energy mastermind and what

drew you to apply and like what was that like for you?

jackie (08:18)
Yeah. So I found you during the pandemic and I Googled feminist dating because I wasn’t sure that that was a real thing. And popped up and I can’t even remember the specific episode that it was, but I think that you know you were doing a deep dive on it and yeah, your values, everything that you were saying just really aligned with my own.

And it was just such a beautiful space to happen upon, especially during the pandemic. And so I would listen to it while I was walking around the Capitol in in Sacramento. And I was listening for a while. and romance is definitely an area of my life that I’m interested in focusing some attention, but I recognized that there was some repair that needed to happen in in some other areas.

maybe not necessarily before, but definitely in tandem. And so while I was hating all of your beautiful advice, when I heard the main character energy mastermind, I was in Los Angeles at that point and was trying to figure out where I was going to go next and what I was going to do next. And you seemed to be offering a space that was built specifically for women who were trying to figure that out.

And who wanted to level up and to transition in their lives. And yeah, it was that the one on one call that we had that really sealed the deal for me. That I don’t know, even in that one on one call you make me feel very, very sane. Do

lily (09:58)
Remember how you were feeling? Take us back to what what was going on for you at that point.

jackie (10:05)
I laugh because, you know, I I feel like there’s a part of me that wants to be like, that was so long ago and I’ve grown so much and I’ve changed so much. But I mean, it’s just been nonstop transition. It’s been really big decisions, really big changes, and most of them have been terrifying, but also just being able to trust myself in those choices and in those spaces has brought a lot of unexpected joy.

a lot of unexpected experiences and a lot of unexpected pleasure. You know, I feel good about the decisions that I’m making. Yeah.

lily (10:45)
Do you

mind if I share a little bit of what I remember from our conversation?

jackie (10:50)
I am horrified.

lily (10:55)
I think that you’re doing this thing where you don’t remember I I don’t know that many clients who have had a a big transition for over a six, eight month period would necessarily remember or want to touch down on some of some of the harder moments before deciding to get support. So I just want to be sort of a a witness to Jackie, you know, eight months ago, maybe a little bit longer now when we first

Had our call one-on-one to see if this was the right fit for you. I remember that you had an idea of where you wanted to go and who you wanted to become, but I also remember that it felt impossible.

jackie (11:42)
Right.

lily (11:43)
Do you what what comes up when I say that?

jackie (11:46)
a hundred percent. I was so burnt out and exhausted and I was unable to really process everything that, you know, had happened over the course of the pandemic, the things with work. And, you know, I couldn’t see the forest through the trees. Yeah, I just remember, especially in our one on one, I

couldn’t stop talking about how I was a background person and that I wanted to be a main stage person. I wanted to be at the front, but that I just I feel comfortable. I feel the most comfortable being being backstage. but yeah it’s the it’s the transition and it’s the it’s the growth. And yeah, I’m I remember that feeling extremely hard and extremely painful.

And even I think once I got to Glasgow and we had our one on one session, I think before we the the program even got started. And I know I cried.

lily (12:59)
As most does

jackie (13:00)
Yeah. Right. But it was just feeling like I couldn’t see anything. I just couldn’t had no vision. I was just exhausted and I didn’t have the capacity to see anything for me anymore. I just wanted to lay down. Yeah.

lily (13:18)
And I a as I recall you gave yourself a lot of permission to lay down.

jackie (13:23)
I did.

lily (13:24)
And you also you just threw the Glasgow thing in. The people at home do not know that you decided to make an international move at the near the beginning of your you think you had already decided like that’s what you wanted when you joined, but there was a lot of like pressure and voices from a lot of different places that were like, Why would you do that? That’s not stable, that’s not a good decision, that’s not gonna serve you, that’s not gonna

You need a a career and you need a job and you’ve done this nonprofit thing for so long. Why would you ever, ever stop doing this exhausting job that you’ve had forever?

jackie (13:58)
A hundred percent. And there is something to be said. I mean, it’s a privilege to do the work that I do, a hundred thousand percent. But I think that also as a black woman, that there is a sense of obligation that’s ingrained culturally and that like we are to be of service. And so when I was even having this conversation about the things that I wanted to do, a lot of the pushback was.

you know, abandoning people, abandoning communities and abandoning the work, which just made me feel a thousand times worse because I knew that where I was at and what I was doing wasn’t working and that I wanted to do something else and I wanted to be somewhere else, but I just felt so torn up inside about this idea of, you know, abandoning my community.

lily (14:55)
How did you move through that? It sounds like some shame and sounds like some just like pressure. Well, how did you move through that?

jackie (15:03)
I mean, I it’s still a struggle every single day. because that’s it is intrinsically a part of who I am as a person. And I’ll never stop being an advocate and I’ll never stop doing the work. But you have to take some time and some space to figure out how to take care of yourself in that, because you can be in service of no one if you can’t take care of yourself.

lily (15:25)
So pausing right there, Jackie, that sentence that you just said, I can tell you believe it now, right? But there were like months that it did not feel true. That, like, yeah, that’s true for other people. Other people get to put themselves first. But I don’t. It’s not possible for me for these, you know, very valid reasons, you know? Right. So what gives? What how did you what do you how do you think you transitioned? I think this is helpful for everybody to hear.

Just whether it’s about the mastermind or not, but you have been on this journey of like truly believing and transitioning from that sounds good on paper, not for me, to this is what I believe now and it’s a struggle, but it’s what I believe and it’s what I’m living. How did you get there?

jackie (16:10)
I mean it’s a lot of deprogramming. And

lily (16:12)
Yeah.

jackie (16:15)
I mean it took me the I mean the sabbatical was supposed to be two or three months. Yeah. Yeah.

lily (16:22)
And I remember you were when we first talked you were in were you were in California, but you were at a friend’s home and you were like, I’m going on this sabbatical, like I don’t know what it’s gonna be. I don’t know how long I’m gonna be cut to eight months later, you’re all

jackie (16:38)
Yeah.

At that point, I had come back from the sabbatical and I was having I was having a difficult time staying. So I was trying to figure out what it would look like for me to come back to everything. And I it the resistance was just so strong. It took me a good couple of months just to relax.

Once you have experienced a state of burnout, I mean, it’s a different amount of time that takes everybody to recover. And I mean, you could spend a lifetime recovering, but it was a good couple of months before I could even relax, which was, you know, just the first portion of the actual sabbatical. And then I was back and it was just I was immediately just depressed and I felt trapped. I felt a lot of shame about wanting

wanting something else about thinking about something else. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Well, I had been traveling. I mean, Scotland is not anywhere that I thought would resonate in the slightest, but it it did something. You know, like I keep giving back.

lily (17:52)
Yeah. Well, I’m I’m curious. Okay, so let’s get to the point where, okay, you’re just to set the scene. You had gone on the sabbatical, you’d come back, you were in this job that you felt like, wow, it’s a place where I’m observ of service, but I don’t think that this is my long-term fit. But I but I don’t know what to do. You and I had a conversation. What led you to and I wanna acknowledge that your journey to right now.

Is because of the myriad of things that you’ve done to pour into yourself, this mastermind being one piece of a larger, larger puzzle of figuring out what your agency is telling you to do. So just want to put that out there as an acknowledgement. as an acknowledgement. And so, what led you to decide to invest this amount of money, this amount of time, this amount of energy into a program, into the mastermind?

jackie (18:48)
Well, let me say first of all that it has been a large piece.

lily (18:53)
Great.

jackie (18:54)
The main character energy program anchored me. You know, like I was still kind of grasping. I was still kind of searching. I was still kind of spinning. I was trying to figure stuff out. and it anchored me in a way that I really, really, really needed. And the community that was built in that space just incredible.

You know, I had a call with Mishi and Ashwini. I it was either yesterday or the day before yesterday, just checking in and catching up. And yeah, yeah, it was not a small piece. It was a large piece. I wanted to join the brazen breakthrough, but I wanted to focus on more than just the romantic aspect. I wanted something that was going to allow me to breathe into and to grow into the spaces that.

I needed to regardless of what my romantic ambitions were. Yeah. but I also loved that during our one on one, you were like, that’s cute, but also like we’re not gonna forget about romance. Yeah. And love is a very important piece and component to this. So I want you to grow in whatever way that you’re gonna grow, but also like be thinking about this and yeah.

lily (20:13)
It gets to take up space too.

jackie (20:15)
Correct. Yeah.

lily (20:16)
So what led you to invest that amount of money, time and energy? Like what was the impetus for like, okay, this is for me?

jackie (20:23)
Truly it was the one on one. Yeah, I’d been a longtime listener and there really wasn’t much that was preventing me at that point. I wanted to level up. Yeah. And you were offering a space to do that while also healing. So that makes sense.

lily (20:44)
Yeah, makes total sense. Makes total sense. And it’s such a an expansive program and then it’s six months. It’s like we’re going deep. It’s such a what what are you thinking?

jackie (20:56)
So I try to explain this to my friends, right? Because I’m like, you bitches need to do this. Like because I recognize in each of them it’s really strong feminist, independent women who don’t feel like they’re being met by romantic opportunities that meet them where they’re at. And they’re

Spit in their wheels and they’re upset and disappointed by the experiences that they’re having. And not to say that that’s not a space that you should focus on, but if you what was helpful for me was shifting that attention towards me and focusing on what I want and what I need and how I want to grow instead of trying to keep myself small.

And making myself appealing for, you know, whatever’s out there. Yeah. I mean, online dating is just a hot mess. Such a hot mess. Any of the platforms that, you know, have been created with the intention of developing spaces for safe spaces for women inevitably get overtaken or dominated by all of the systemic issues that, you know, we see white supremacy and

Misogynist and, you know, everybody, racist and it just it’s not a h hospitable place. When that’s the pool, the dating pool that you’re swimming in, you know, that’s that’s a lot of pee. That’s a lot of pee in the pool.

lily (22:39)
That’s a lot of pea in the pool and that’s a great analogy. I love it.

jackie (22:44)
Get out. You gotta get out. You gotta get out and you gotta find some other way to find that level of relief. Again, like I think about my my friends who are going through this, and it’s so hard to explain it because I’m like, this is probably everything that you’re looking for. It’s most of the things that you need. They’re also a lot of them are independent.

not necessarily contractors, but they certainly work independently. And again, like not having community while you’re trying to figure out all of these things is a really tough place to be. I know what you think that this might be, but in actuality, like I guarantee you that it aligns at least, you know, like a heavy percentage, if not a hundred percent, with what your values are. Yeah.

hundred percent with what my values were. Yeah. And it is it’s a safe space. It’s a good safe space to I don’t know to find something better, to do something better, to get the level of support that you need so that you stop thinking of yourself as the problem.

lily (23:59)
I think that’s exactly it, right? Like you when I think back to your story and obviously not disclosing anything that we haven’t already, you know, hinted at, we’re not gonna tot I’m not gonna totally like this is a safe space as well. I’m not gonna, you know, talk about the things that are confidential. And I do want to mention, you know, when you were in the job, that felt like the only thing that you could do because of the structures and the

the the system that you live within that says you must be serving other people, you must be giving back all the time, no matter what, doesn’t matter how you feel, the the feeling of trapped, I’m trapped in that, and nothing else will feel better. Like it’s actually not possi I remember you saying things like, I don’t think it’s possible for me to create the job that I really want. I don’t think it’s possible for me to get funding for the thing that I really want to do. I don’t think that’s supposed to

So in that it’s not possible, you’re centering that which was wrong for you in whether or not you believe what you want is possible in the future.

jackie (25:09)
Yeah.

lily (25:11)
Very normal, but what what are you thinking?

jackie (25:14)
I, you know, I both wish that the program was longer and happen to be happy that it was only six months. You know, like I’m the kind of person who likes to leave a situation wanting more. And that’s definitely how I felt in that space. The absence of it is very apparent. Like I’m happy that I have those relationships and those connections that I built, and I have the workbook that I can still reflect on and go back to.

But it’s a very potent space. It’s a very potent space.

lily (25:47)
Well, I’m I’m honored that you feel that way. That’s the intention, you know? And I think as Oprah said in the Making Oprah podcast, in the Oprah show was deep because I intended it to be. The the main character energy mastermind was deep because I intended it to be. And the group that is attracted to that container is going to co-create a really magical once-in-a-lifetime space. It’s happened every single time we’ve done it.

jackie (26:16)
And you get a hundred percent of what you put into it. I really appreciated the fuck the workbook at the beginning, giving yourself some permission on how you want to participate. But I’ve never seen such a successful model of you get what you put into it. You get out you put into it. Like is exactly that. However much growth you are looking to make, if you put in the effort, like that’s what’s gonna come out on the other side of that. Yeah. And it was

It was amazing to see what we were able to accomp accomplish over the course of just six months. Yeah. I mean, ’cause it’s it’s a lot and it moves really, really quickly. And it doesn’t feel it’s there’s nothing about it that feels heavy and there’s no sense of obligation. And you move through it so quickly, like at least for me, like that you don’t realize within the first couple of months sort of how quickly you’re moving and how much you’re processing. but the yeah.

The reflection certainly is like, well, goddamn.

lily (27:20)
In I, you know, at the beginning of the mastermind for those listening, we create a list of things that you want to believe by the end. You know, what what are things you want to believe about yourself, about your main character energy, about your future, about who you are? And about halfway through the program, we we did an exercise where they went back, the members went back to the beginning of the workbook, saw what they wanted to plan to believe. And all of you were already at at the point you wanted to be at the end right now.

Like at the in the middle, you know, and then we could just go into bonus golden hours, you know, because the work that you had done to believe like maybe I am worthy of a job that I feel supported by and good within. Maybe I am worthy of a love life that feels equal and sparkly and and sexy and reciprocal. you know, like you were already there and then

what we had to do is just like put actions in place to continue to bolster those beliefs and bolster the worthy action you were taking is the main character of your story.

jackie (28:25)
A hundred percent. I had a really difficult time getting my brain to step away from work because like obviously like what I have to come back to and I have to figure that out. And so that was a struggle for me throughout the entire process. But what happened was my relationship to it improved in such a way.

that I was able to make that into a joyful space because I got to imagine what it could look like when I enjoy it, when it’s fun, when it’s giving, which ironically or unironically is also still me supporting other people. Like that doesn’t go away. Yeah. But it’s just how I do that and how I live and operate in that space is also included.

Yeah. And the other thing is I don’t know, like and this is sort of what has happened since the program ended. But the reflections that I’ve been having on the way that I’ve been participating in romantic relationships has definitely shifted. I’m aware of it because I have friends, like I said, who I’m like, girl, you gotta get into this program, you gotta do this thing.

Because I’m watching them go through and experience the same thing. And, you know, I’m like, I know what it feels like to operate and to think about these things from a place of scarcity. That, you know, like what you want doesn’t exist. And that’s just a it’s a reinforced experience based on you trying to, you know, play in the pee-pee pool.

I’m sorry.

lily (30:17)
Don’t play in the pee pee pool. You gotta get out of the pee pee pool. The funniest thing that has been said on this podcast ever. Continue.

jackie (30:28)
The level of clarity that I’ve had more recently around my own intentions has just been apparent. And it’s not even something that I’m specifically trying to focus on. Yeah. But I’m just, yeah, there’s just a different level of awareness that I’ve been experiencing around what I want because I’ve had some practice. I’m building some muscle memory around what that looks like in the other.

life. And so now that like work is kind of coming together, the living situation is kind of coming

lily (31:06)
Wait, wait, wait, wait, excuse me. I’m sorry. We have to coach. We have to coach right now. Jackie, how is it just kind of coming together? I thought go ahead.

jackie (31:21)
Nothing’s permanent, but I did find out today that I got the apartment that I wanted here in Edinburgh. So thank you, Morpley.

lily (31:34)
Thank you, more pleased. No, like that’s an example. That’s it, Jackie. It’s kind of coming together. And then I I pushed back. And then you said, but nothing’s permanent. It life isn’t permanent.

jackie (31:46)
Right. You get to

lily (31:48)
Claim, and this is why I love coaching, is because there are little these little micro inflection points where our brain wants to be safe. It’s gonna dress ahearse tragedy, it’s gonna make sure that we’re like everything is 100% figured out before we take action, and then da-da-da-da. And then we end up paralyzed and not taking action because we were waiting for things to be perfect. You’re engaging in imperfect action, and

jackie (32:11)
Yeah.

lily (32:12)
all you have to do now is claim that it’s working out because it is.

jackie (32:17)
Yeah. And it is uncomfortable. It is uncomfortable.

lily (32:23)
Say more.

jackie (32:25)
I mean, yeah, it’s but I don’t think that I would be trying, you know, if it was if it was comfortable. I was comfortable. I was, you know, doing okay. But pushing myself is it’s fucking terrifying.

It is absolutely terrifying. It’s scary to want things. It’s scary to desire things. Yeah.

lily (32:51)
Yes.

jackie (32:53)
And fear of rejection and you know, all these other things. And so I just find that I have an easier time coaching myself through these things now. still love to be in your mastermind.

lily (33:10)
Well, we’re re-signing soon. So it’s it’s all good. No, but I love that. I mean, main character energy to me is about imp imperfect action towards what you want, which imperfectly admitting what you want, and as you’re sharing, it’s uncomfortable. and you’re you’re I mean, I just want to reflect back to you, like from the outside in, and I know nothing is ever completely perfect. It sounds like to me.

You’re getting everything that you want right now.

jackie (33:42)
This is true. And I have a date.

lily (33:47)
So thank you more, please.

jackie (33:50)
Thank you more, please.

lily (33:52)
How does that feel?

jackie (33:53)
It feels good and and it feels different. I the being able to be reflective, being able to access that tool is very helpful. And I think like that’s what I got out of the program was just a really good fucking toolbox. And I know like when I start spilling, I spinning, I call it my my scat.

My self-care action plan. So

lily (34:21)
Love?

jackie (34:23)
I block out some time on my calendar like once a week where it’s like you gotta you gotta do it. And it’s

lily (34:31)
What do you do?

jackie (34:32)
meditation on younger you. yeah. It is

lily (34:39)
which is in the portal for everybody who is listening. In the portal for the mastermind.

jackie (34:44)
How to feel your feelings.

lily (34:46)
Mm-hmm. Also in the portal, yeah.

jackie (34:48)
There’s another one. It’s an exercise that you did, but I have four. I have four activities that I include. And so I know, like when I start to spin, it’s like, all right, like let’s come back, let’s check in. Thoughts or feelings are not facts. You know, it’s a really good toolbox. It’s a really good toolbox. Yeah. And like being able to be reflective.

I like even this week, this date I’ve been very nervous about because you know, I’m like, I want it.

lily (35:26)
Yeah.

jackie (35:28)
But I have also just been thinking about the experiences that I’ve had that have gone well, that I’ve really enjoyed and that have taught me something about what I like and what I want and what I need. So I feel prepared to identify those things and to I have a metric through my own experience through which I can measure like however this is gonna go, which makes me feel a lot better about it.

Well I don’t know how this is gonna go.

lily (35:59)
Yeah. Yeah.

You have your own back.

jackie (36:03)
Right.

lily (36:03)
This is different because you have your own back. It’s not that I like to say like dating like people in the dating world don’t necessarily change. Like the wrong people for you are gonna be the wrong people for you. It’s also not that dating apps are gonna be like amazing after you do No, your brain is the one that’s changing. Your self trust is the thing that’s changing. Your

you know, lens through which you see the world and you give yourself permission is changing. And that in turn does change everything because you’re in control of what you’re in control of. Instead of trying to control things that like the pee-pee pool that you’re not in control of at all.

jackie (36:45)
Correct, correct.

lily (36:48)
What lesson stands out to you in the six months?

jackie (36:54)
I mean just one?

lily (36:57)
What was one of your favorites or one that you like think about often?

jackie (37:01)
I feel like it’s hard for me to parse this out because I I keep thinking about my self care action plan.

lily (37:07)
Yeah. It does feel like one one thing, doesn’t it? Like there were weekly lessons, but it does feel I’m here hearing that as well. Like it sounds like it feels like a a a a conjoined unit.

jackie (37:22)
Right. It isn’t one thing and all of the things build on each other. Yeah. Each one is better. And you eventually get to like self gratitude. Yeah. Self appreciation. Yeah. I mean, I’m just honestly I’m just grateful for the toolbox. Yeah. Having all of those resources and having have been in a space

Where I mean it’s just such an incredible group of people. Anytime you can get incredible humans together, you know? Yeah. Who are oriented around similar goals, similar values, you’re gonna get really dynamic results. Learning all of those things on my own would have been nice, but it would have been like, okay, yeah, I read that. Thanks. But

Hearing the experiences of everybody else in the group, getting the coaching, watching the coaching, just really helps to bring everything together. You know, it’s a it’s a recipe. There isn’t one ingredient in there that for me at the very least, it’s not one ingredient that I want to take home with me. I’m like, I want the whole cake.

lily (38:42)
And there you are with wanting things.

jackie (38:47)
What did Ash Winnie say?

lily (38:48)
I mean what didn’t she say? Facts. Truly the most quotable person I’ve ever had in a group coaching program. I think but what you’re mentioning is about like hearing other people engage and embody and belong to their own main character energy.

jackie (39:09)
That was huge. Like from where she started in the beginning. Yeah. I can’t. I can’t. I am unmatched or I am irreplaceable or it was something.

lily (39:21)
Well and I every there wasn’t a single person in the cohort who I can’t tell a story about, you know, how they you included f just like so deeply because I I would love you to tell the the listeners like where are you now? Like what is your what is your work life look like now? Obviously you have a sexy date tonight, today you got

approved for an apartment in Edinburgh which you have now like decided that you’re like kind of permanently moving to. I like I what? Like okay, continue. Where are you now?

jackie (39:59)
Right. well, I was in Portugal for two months and I spent a month in Lisbon and a month in Porto. And that was really to do some deep digs, some deep dives on how I want this next phase of work to come together. Yeah. like I said at the at the top, I’m really interested in trying to figure out how to spread the gospel.

how to support women speci

lily (40:30)
Of

what gospel? Just to be to be extra clear.

jackie (40:34)
of rest, of self-care, joy, of thank you more, please. Yeah. Yeah. Whatever is the world feels like a terrible place all the time. And there’s lots of that information. I think that being able to find your own joy and happiness and self-care in the middle of all of that.

allows you to amplify whatever impact it is that you’re trying to make. And I mean that’s just that’s how I feel is yeah, I don’t want to stop what I’m doing. I just want to I want to be better at it. I want to have a larger impact around it. Make sure that the people who are doing it a little more specifically around the women and women of color. But I want to make sure that they are resourced. You know, racial justice advocates

The level of burnout, I mean, before the pandemic was gnarly. Post pandemic is just, I mean, I’ve never heard the word sabbatical more times in my life. I just want to figure out how I can support folks. And, you know, I adjust when I say that I’m an, you know, amateur researcher of joy, but I’m I’m kind of serious about it.

lily (41:53)
You’re not an amateur researcher of joy, I don’t think. No. You’re doing a whole full fledged like project with proposals and funding, right? Tell us more about this.

jackie (42:06)
Well, I mean it’s sort of backwards because the the research project that I’m doing right now originally was built around the concept of examining the mortality rates of environ environment of racial justice advocates. But we decided to shift our focus to burnout. Yeah. because it was like, well, let’s talk about stress impacts. Let’s not not just talk about what happens at the end of their lives, let’s talk about these conditions. And it’s largely burnout.

So we’re conducting some research right now with the UC Davis Center for Regional Change and having conversations with racial justice advocates about what their experiences are, how they are coping, what coping skills they have, what what they need, what’s absent. And none of it would be unremarkable to hear. It is probably already what you imagined and probably more severe. But all of these people, all of them.

you know, just deserve some rest and some joy and some peace. And so I am initiating some conversations around what it yeah could potentially look like to build some some support around however many of these folks I can get to. But this next phase of whatever we’re going to be doing to engage with the world and to engage with all the things that are going on.

We better be rested. Right. Better be caring for ourselves. Right.

lily (43:39)
Right. And how does joy play into that? I know joy is a part of a study, if not this study.

jackie (43:45)
Yeah, because we’re we’re hoping to make recommendations on what that can look like in in terms of the support that they need. Community is a really big one. Even just in the conversations that we’ve had, just being able to see each other and talk to each other. You know, like it’s and literally at this point we’re just having these are just conversations like do you want to share? Yeah. But they they know each other and it’s you know, it’s a community. It’s a community of folks who do.

And so I’m like, how do we tap into that? Yeah. The community piece. Spaces. Yeah, where they can talk to each other and rest with each other and play with each other and eat delicious food. And like, how do we tap into that? Imagine what these people who are already doing such incredible work could accomplish if they were also getting mental health, physical health.

Childcare support. They didn’t have to worry about housing. Like if we invested in them the same way that we do in, you know, some of these other CEOs. Just think about the level of impact. Arrested woman, arrested racial justice advocate.

lily (45:04)
Yes. Well, Jackie, I’m I’m just so excited for what you’ve created in a relatively short amount of time. I mean, if you think about, you know, we probably spoke in August. It is currently end of March. So September, October, November, December, January, February, March, like seven months. You truly have created a container to support, just to reflect back and like verbally.

you know, affirm the shit out of you, you have created a completely different life for yourself that sounds like from from my perspective as your coach and and and cheerleader and I just am hearing you’ve created a job that suits your life. You’ve created opportunities to change other people’s lives.

Because you are now more well rested. You are living in the space that you want to live in. You are figuring it out, even though it’s messy and scary and unclear sometimes and unsure. Sometimes I mean you are sharing it’s been a a journey to get this apartment that has been difficult. Like it doesn’t negate the hard that still exists. But I just am so excited for you and so proud of you.

jackie (46:23)
Thank you. I’m excited too. I’m excited. Well because we were talking beforehand and I was telling you like all the things. Yeah. And it is. It’s hard. It’s hard. This didn’t make things easy, but it made it made it more joyful. It made it easier for me to see. Like I couldn’t see more.

I can get a lot of things done if I can visualize what they look like and how they need to come together. I was just, I couldn’t see anything anymore. And I was like, I don’t want to see anything anymore. I just want to lay down. Come find me if you need me. I’ll be, you know, laid out. Yeah. so it was really nice to be engaged in a way that allowed me to both see myself.

in a life that I want to continue participating in. I don’t know, just being able to imagine. Like, that’s that’s the fun part. The hard part is building it and actually getting it done. The fun part is realizing that you can make it look like whatever you want. Mm. Yeah.

lily (47:38)
What would you say to somebody who is interested in doing the mastermind, main character energy mastermind, and is on the fence?

jackie (47:45)
Get off that fence. Get out of the pee-pee pool. Yeah. I know it’s a tough decision because it’s a considerable amount of money. You have to decide on how you want to invest in yourself. And I have not seen many actually where dating is because I haven’t seen feminist dating anywhere else. You were literally the only thing that popped up when I Googled it.

But I haven’t I haven’t seen anybody else who is taking this approach, who is trying to get things accomplished in the same way that you are, which is really rooted in building community and the space and ability for women to believe in themselves. It’s hard because it sounds it sounds like a dream. It sounds like, yeah, okay, right.

lily (48:43)
Yeah, good for Jackie. Good for Jackie, but not for me. And maybe when you were listening to a podcast episode of another mastermind client before you signed up, you were like, good for them, but not for me. I’m trapped.

jackie (48:55)
Definitely. Well, and I was like, I don’t have that kind of money. You do that because you have that kind of money. But I did just get to a point where I was like, I need something different. Yeah. Something has to be different. I need to be different. And it resonated with me. It resonated with me. And it was worth more pennies than I gave.

lily (49:20)
Well, I’m so glad that you trusted yourself into that decision, right? Like you listened to yourself, you trusted yourself. And I I love to I mean, this is true of every client I’ve ever worked with. If you trust yourself into your yes, then you are guaranteed to get massive results that you can’t even plan for. Like, could you have planned for this life that you’re living at this current moment, right now, eight months ago?

jackie (49:45)
Not even a little bit. I was so terrified. I was just like, I didn’t know where I was gonna go. I didn’t know what I was gonna do. I didn’t know where I was gonna live. I just knew that I couldn’t stay where I was and I couldn’t keep doing what I was doing. And no, like I I could not I did not have the mental, emotional, physical capacity to entertain anything like this.

I just didn’t have it in me.

lily (50:16)
Have changed to have it in you to try.

jackie (50:19)
It was the healing and I was using rest as a hoping mechanism. I was using rest like don’t talk to me, I’m laying down or I’m zoning out. I’m, you know, like I was using rest in a in a not so great way. And I through this process I’ve started, I’ve been able to use rest as a as a

gift to myself and as a mechanism of healing, some of that it has to be permissive. You have to give yourself permission for that. Because if you don’t, there’s some shame in it that like you don’t deserve to be resting or you don’t want anybody to know that you’re resting, you know. but when you can give yourself some permission for that, then it shifts the way that you engage in that. You’re not trying to hide and you’re not like

Laying down until you have to get up again, it is gonna take some time. Yeah.

lily (51:24)
The permission piece. Yeah.

jackie (51:26)
Right.

lily (51:27)
Well, I am so excited to hear about this date that you have tonight. And I’m so excited. Please post pictures of your new apartment in the Slack channel if you feel available if that feels good. We all want to celebrate and see. And I’m so grateful that you came on, Jackie. Thank you for sharing your story and thank you for being vulnerable enough to to say yes to yourself.

And to say yes to what you wanted in general, right? That’s what led you to here is being supported, being in community, saying yes to what you wanted. And now you’re like we talked about so often, the identity of I get everything I want.

jackie (52:09)
Right.

lily (52:10)
And I think that you’re an embody of that, embodiment of that.

jackie (52:13)
That was a tough one. Yeah. That took me that took me quite a bit of time to get around and I had it on a post-it note and I would take it down when people would come over because I didn’t want anybody to know that I was thinking that.

lily (52:27)
Yeah.

I said it on mic at my wedding and I like literally was like, I’m so grateful to be here. I’m so grateful you all are here and aren’t I lucky that I get everything I want? And then I like overthought it. I I was like, shit, I shouldn’t have said that. Like, my god, who who are gonna people think I am? Like, god I overthought it for a week.

I was like thinking about it and thinking about so it it is a it it it is for those listening it’s not saying that hard shit doesn’t happen life is still 5050, 50 great, 50 shitty. And it’s a belief that shapes your reality,

jackie (53:05)
But right?

lily (53:08)
that is difficult to employ. But when you do, you could be like Jackie going to fabulous date and getting an apartment in Edinburgh where you exactly where you want to live and building a business that’s gonna change millions of lives. I don’t know.

jackie (53:22)
Everything’s possible.

lily (53:23)
well thank you, Jackie. So grateful for you.

jackie (53:25)
Thank you. Thank you more, please.

lily (53:28)
Thank you, More Please. If you want to join main character energy mastermind, go to the link in the description of this episode and you can find out more. Talk to y’all soon.