You want dating to feel like something you’re in charge of, that is going your way, not something that’s happening to you. That shift– from anxious hustle to magnetic momentum– is what this episode is about.

This week on The Feminist Dating Show, Lily breaks down the three levels of dating energy and exactly how to move from bothered and stressed to unbothered in your love life.

Inside episode 272:

• The three levels of dating energy– student, bothered CEO, unbothered CEO– and the specific behaviors that tell you where you actually are right now
• Why the bothered CEO over-personalizes rejection and outsources decisions (and how to stop)
• The SOP system that removes anxious decision-making from your dating life entirely
• How to use jealousy and comparison as a compass pointing toward what you want instead of proof that you’re behind
• The ACK method: a three-step framework for getting back to unbothered when rejection happens

Work with Lily

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Free Essence-Based Preferences workbook: datebrazen.com/workbook

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A feminist guide to breaking dumb dating rules and finding love. Order HERE

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Show transcript:

Lily @ Date Brazen (00:00)
Let’s talk about why now is the best time for you to date. I know you might be thinking, oh my God, dating has never been more of a dumpster fire. Oh my God, dating apps have reached a critical point where they like don’t work and they actively drive everybody wild who uses them. And these tech companies are profiting off of our addiction more than ever. Lily, Lily, Lily, how could this possibly be true? That’s what we’re going to get into in this episode, friends. So buckle up because I’ve got a good one for you.

Let’s get into

This episode is brought to you by my live free training, which is coming up on June 9th called,

How to attract the right partner, zero experience needed. How you can date without shame, burnout, or settling and make the right relationship inevitable. It’s gonna be so good, it’s gonna be a party. You’re gonna come, you’re gonna be alongside other feminist badasses who are learning with you exactly step by step how to build a joyful dating life that makes the right relationship inevitable. You’re gonna learn how.

It’s not too late. I’m gonna give you evidence to that You’re going to start unlearning all of the patriarchal BS that says you shouldn’t be so picky. You should just be in your divine feminine that you should be somehow different, lose weight, be less intense, ⁓ want less. In order to find love, you’re gonna unlearn all that patriarchal bullshit so that you can, step three,

build a feminist dating strategy rooted in what you want that makes you a magnet for the right person. You’re gonna learn how to be magnetic to the right people. So all of that, you’re gonna learn on June 9th with me in that Zoom room. And I cannot wait to see you there. You can go to datebrazen.com slash let’s dash go to RSVP. It’s totally free. And if you RSVP, you get the recording or you can go to the link in the description of this episode to get your butt in this room.

It’s gonna be a party, like I said. And on this call, the doors to main character dating open. And if you register, you get a special bonus when you join within 24 hours that I have never offered before. That is going to change your dating life for good completely in just 10 So come join us in the training and let’s get into the episode.

Why is now the best time for you to be dating? Now, we could outline the ways why it’s not the right time to be dating, right? That there are so many men, if you date men, who are not filling that emotional skills gap, right? They’re not going to therapy, they’re not looking for a relationship. We could say that, you you have a sea of other single friends who have never found love either.

or haven’t found a right relationship either. And so like, why would it be a good time to date if none of us have found love? And like, why would I be so audacious as to think that I could find what I want if my friends haven’t found what they want? Or you could have sort of the opposite happen, which is I’m the only single person in my friend group. Doesn’t that mean that I’m just somehow uniquely broken and trying to date right now would be like sort of admitting defeat? Because in your mind,

it’s safer to assume that it’s not going to happen because it hasn’t happened yet. Or you’re just out of a 25 year relationship that wasn’t that great potentially that you now look around at the dating scene and you’re like, hell no, I’m not gonna get in that horror show of a dating is trash experience. I’m good on my own.

Now, all of you are whole right freaking now. I know this to be true. Your romantic status, relationship, not a relationship, doesn’t say anything about your worth as a human being. And you might want a relationship. So when you…

ask me or when I’m talking about this subject of like why this is the best time to date, my immediate answer from the bottom of my like soul into your soul, like I just want you to hear you want something.

Desire is your birthright, like Dr. Juliana says. And I believe that your desire is evidence that what you want exists. So what’s the alternative? You give up on dating, you don’t date, you don’t try, you say to yourself, don’t really want a relationship that badly, or I shouldn’t want a relationship that badly because I’m a feminist after all and I’m powerful and I’m independent and I don’t need a man or a woman or a person to come in my life and save me. You don’t need a man, a woman, a person to come in and save you. And you want…

a partnership that is equitable and sexy and vibrant and alive and that makes you feel comforted and seen and held and safe. You want something. And desire is your birthright. You want something, it’s not here yet, so let’s fucking go.

I believe that pursuing your desires in this one wild and precious life, in the words of Mary Oliver, is of the utmost importance if you want to get the most juice out of this squeeze, right? We are all gonna die one day. All of this is made up and we’re all gonna die one day. So why wouldn’t you go after what you want? And I’m not talking about going after what you want, like just like throw spaghetti at the wall, try dating.

Like do it even if you are, you know, bleeding from the fingers and like swiping until you’re numb and going on dates that aren’t right for you. No, no, no, no, no. I’m not talking about that kind of dating. I’m talking about powerful fucking dating. That is an expression of your agency. That is an expression of your power and your feminist values. But I will get to that kind of dating in a moment and what that will look like.

I want to talk about the major problem with this argument that I’m offering to you, that you want something that’s not here yet. So let’s fucking go. And your desire is evidence that what you want exists. The problem with this argument is that women and people socialized as women are socialized not to want things. And so when I use this argument as a coach in life, I mean, I know how powerful it is in my own life to want things and then go after them and get aligned support to attract them, right?

I’ve gone to coaching for all of the things that I want in life to get what I want faster. that’s just something that I know works and accelerates my journey in this one wild and precious life.

The problem is that most of y’all were socialized not to want things. And so wanting something, especially something that is like for your pleasure, because what would a relationship be that is right for you, but for your pleasure and for your heart? Wanting things just for your pleasure is something that y’all are taught not to do. I was taught not to do. Hell, I settled in.

romantic relationships that felt so fucking shitty because I thought that relationships take work and that if I was suffering in a relationship that I was doing it right and and look where that got me in a situation ship where none of my emotional needs were met because I was listening to the patriarchal socialization that said that relationships take work specifically that they take work from the woman in the relationship

or rather take work from you to like lay yourself bare at the feet of this relationship to serve it and care take until it grows, even if it’s difficult and arduous and even if you’re not being met and even if co-creation isn’t happening, like keep going because you never know.

But it’s hard to make this argument of like, desire is your birthright. It’s okay to want what you want. Let’s fucking go. Because of the patriarchal socialization that has been really drilled into every one of us women and people socialized as women that you shouldn’t pursue your desires, that it makes you selfish, that it makes you frivolous, that it makes you less than, right? Somehow less intellectual or somehow less whatever.

And so I’m gonna take a different tact. I’m very passionate about your desires. I still believe they matter. I still believe that following them makes you a more powerful human being overall. But I’m gonna talk about something different. Why dating matters right now. Why it’s the best time for you to start dating right now.

because the way you do one thing is the way you do everything, I believe. And if you look around your dating life, maybe you’ve never dated, maybe you’re paralyzed with fear to start, maybe you really don’t know what to do next. And when I say dating, you’re like, my God, your whole body tenses up. Maybe you are scared shitless to start shooting your shot, to start flirting, to start doing these things, because it feels petrifying.

The fear of rejection is there. The fear of death is there, right? If you track all your fears, a lot of them lead to death, right? And social death, meaning rejection, right? Let’s take the fear of ⁓ being rejected, Our ancestors that lived in caves, if they were socially rejected, then that meant dying from exposure. And so in neurobiologically, it’s appropriate for you to fear rejection like you fear death. It’s normal.

I also think the fear of like, oh, I’m not gonna know what to say. I’m gonna be so awkward. It’s the fear of I’m gonna be proven right that I’m just too awkward and too much and nobody’s ever gonna wanna be with me and I’m gonna be awkward in a conversation and they’re not gonna wanna be with me and so it’s always gonna be that way. And then I will never go on a date again and I’ll never meet anybody who wants to be with me and then I will die alone.

It’s similar to like fearing the conversation that your boss wants to have with you. Maybe immediately they email you, they say, I want to meet and your brain immediately goes to, oh my God, I’m going to get fired and then I’m not going to be able to find another job and then I’m not going to be able to make rent. Then I have to move back in with my family and then I’m going to never get what I want and I’ll never have a job again and I’ll never have money and then I will just die alone.

All these roads lead to death. That makes sense neurobiologically, but I want you to be aware that you’re having a lot of big fears that are not rooted in reality so much as they are rooted in a very vicious safety mechanism that your brain has been employing up until now that is not serving you anymore.

The way you do one thing is the way you do everything. And so if you are desiring the right partnership and petrified to start, you’re not shooting your shot. You’re not approaching cute people when you see them. You ruminate on the what ifs all the time. You ruminate anxiously on what if I never meet someone and I could never meet somebody because they’ll reject me anyway, right? It’s costing you time, energy, sleep.

and money in therapy sessions where you’re just circling the drain and dating without any meaningful steps forward.

It is costing you to play small in your dating life. It is costing you big time,

Powerfully dating. Powerfully dating means coming to the table owning what you want, even if you’ve never had it before. It means coming to the table knowing your value, even if you’ve never been in a romantic relationship before. It means not using your past exes or people who were wrong for you as evidence that what you want doesn’t exist because that’s centering them in whether or not you believe yourself. That’s not powerfully dating.

and it’s impacting how you believe your desires elsewhere, which is impacting your work life, your friendship life, right? A lot of my clients come into main character dating, my signature high-touch group coaching program, with the question about dating, but they leave with deeper friendships because they realize that they were not asking for what they wanted in their friendships for fear that their friends would leave them or judge them.

They were fearing judgment so much by the people in their lives, even the ones that loved them already, that they were playing small, not setting a boundary or not asking for what they wanted down to like, where they vacation, how often they see their friends, how often they talk on the phone, how often they get help with something they actually need help with. They heal that hyper-independent pattern of like, I’ve got to do everything by myself. And they really start to live a more…

⁓ wholehearted existence with people in their lives because they learn how to powerfully date. My clients who come into me character dating only thinking like, I’m gonna fix my dating life. They end up asking for the biggest raise of their life five months in three months in because they realize that they’ve been playing small at work. Why? For fear of other people’s judgment, for fear of wanting things.

because of our patriarchal socialization to not want things, it’s very normal when you start being invited into wanting what you want with this powerful dating framework to realize other places in your life where you have been playing small, where you have been telling yourself to want less because it doesn’t exist and how dare you ask for more, don’t be selfish, don’t be self-aggrandizing when you’re invited into a space where you are

taught how to powerfully date by owning what you want without apology, everything changes. Not to mention, right, that if we think of like owning what you want is just the bare minimum, then on top of owning what you want, which is actually a revolutionary act, by the way, because think about the legacies of women in your life, in your ancestry, who were not afforded the opportunity to ask for what they want.

This is legacy breaking work, owning what you want. It wasn’t until very recently that a woman could get a credit card without her husband or father’s permission.

So this is one of the first times in human history that you have the opportunity to not settle in a lackluster romantic relationship, that you have an opportunity to own what you want without apology and to powerfully date to find it, Instead of settling

Powerfully dating is living powerfully. It’s going to affect everything. It’s gonna save you time and anxious spirals, not only in dating, but everywhere because you’ll have a framework to care for your anxiety with like a powerful practice of self-compassion. That’s what powerful dating can look like.

It’ll save you money circling conversations about dating in your therapy sessions with somebody who, like I used to train therapists as a part of date brazen. They don’t know what they’re talking about generally in dating. They know how to help you heal. They know how to help you work on family of origin stuff. Like I love therapy. I love my therapist. And therapists don’t really know what to do with your dating life in terms of changing it.

powerfully dating means knowing what you want, knowing how to go outside of your house and approach cuties with more ease, knowing how to center your desire as evidence that it exists and be more unbothered by the wrong people. It means you can move on to other stuff in your therapy. It means saving you sleep because powerful dating, powerfully dating means knowing how to calm those worries.

which are not facts, and instead center your desire as evidence that it exists, and instead have a plan. You’re worried about dating? Okay, well, I have a plan that I’m working right now. And with this plan of powerfully dating,

It means you get more of what you want in dating and everywhere.

You might say, Lily, I can powerfully date, but there are no people out there for me that meet my preferences. You don’t know that. You don’t know that. And you playing small in that way, having a failure of imagination to imagine that there are more people out there than you could have possibly met yet. If you date men, there are more men out there who are going to therapy, who want an equitable, sexy partnership with someone just like you, who you have not met yet. If you date women,

Same thing, if you date non-binary folks, same thing. There are people you have, you have met 1 % of the people you’re going to meet in this lifetime, including romantic potential partners. And so why would you limit yourself? Why would you decide that it’s over? You’re not dead yet. And I believe the way that you’re doing one thing is the way you’re doing everything. So I want you to take inventory in this episode. How might playing small in your dating life, either with hustling and going on

the wrong dates for you, playing the numbers game, exhausting yourself, not trusting your preferences, or by not taking action at all for your desires. How might that be impacting your life beyond just dating? I’m sure you have this brilliant life. how good could you stand to let it be?

Could it get better? Could you get even more of what you want? Take inventory of how you might be shrinking your desires and friendship at work within your family system.

take inventory of how this might be true, that the way you do one thing is the way you do everything, and that dating gets to be a part of your powerful fucking life with this new way of thinking about it. Powerfully dating, showing up without apology, owning what you want, asking for it out loud and often, having a dating strategy where you show up unapologetically and more unbothered.

And if you think, Lily, this is just so not me. I am feeling really anxious as you’re talking. I don’t even know what I would do. That’s okay. You don’t have to know the how. You just have to be inspired by the why. If this resonates with you, if you’re like, wow, this needs to be something that I do because I resonate and I need to, this why of like, I want to powerfully date. I want to date to find the right partnership.

⁓ I want to embrace that my life isn’t over and I don’t know everything and I haven’t met everyone and I want to do dating differently and I want to see how it impacts the rest of my life. Let that why guide you and we will figure out the how together. That is my job. That’s what I get to do every single day with my clients inside of main character dating. And that’s what we talk about on this podcast. That’s what I’ve talked about in my book, right? Like the how is figure outable. It’s a step by step process, y’all. It’s not that complicated.

It just requires you to show up for what you want and to allow your desires to take up more space in your life without thinking of yourself or judging yourself as too much, too self-indulgent, too frivolous, whatever. You want something that’s not here yet, so let’s fucking go. And the way you do one thing is the way you do everything. So how can you let powerfully dating, change the rest of your life too? Because this isn’t over.

and more is possible than you currently realize. So let’s fucking go. If you’re interested in a step-by-step howl, then you’re definitely gonna wanna get your ass to my live free training on June 9th called, attract the right partner, zero experience needed, how to date without shame, burnout or settling, and make the right relationship inevitable. You can go to dateraising.com slash let’s dash go to sign up, or you can sign up in the link in the description of this episode. You’ve got this and I’ve got your back. Bye.