In this episode, Abby shares her late bloomer story with so much honesty and clarity. We talk about what it was like to be in her mid-30s, never having been in a serious relationship, carrying a loud “I’m behind” and “I’m weird” narrative, and feeling totally unsure how to talk about her dating history without spiraling.

Abby opens up about moving to a new city, trying to date while feeling embarrassed about her experience, and struggling with the not good enough voice that made her avoid connection. She also shares what shifted for her as she started to process shame, build community, and trust herself enough to take up more space at work, in dating, and in her daily life.

Inside this episode, you’ll hear:

• how Abby learned to identify and quiet the “I’m weird” and “I’m behind” voice
• how belonging helped her stop self-isolating and start connecting
• what helped her ask for what she wanted (down to “I need 25% more texts”)
• how she advocated for herself at work while doing two jobs
• how she built friendships, community, and eventually a healthy relationship
• what she wishes she could tell her past self, who felt so far behind

This is a powerful example of what can happen when you stop avoiding your desires and start trusting yourself enough to move toward them.

Work with Lily

✨ Join the live training: Stop People-Pleasing and Build a Stupidly Joyful Life live training– December 3rd:  Sign up HERE

✨ Apply to Main Character Life, my 6-month mastermind where Abby did this work — the space to release people-pleasing, build self-trust, advocate for what you want, and go after the life you’ve been circling for years. Apply HERE

✨ Get my Book — Thank You, More Please, Buy the book + grab your bonus HERE

Follow Lily everywhere:
📺 YouTube Channel
📸 Instagram
📲 Tiktok
🌐 Website

---

Show transcript:

Lily (00:37)

Hello, gorgeous friends, welcome to another episode of The Late Bloomer Show. I’m so glad that you’re here. Today, I’m talking to an incredible human being, Abby.

who ⁓ is, was a client of mine inside of main character dating, formerly Braids and Breakthrough, and inside of main character life, my six month mastermind to release people pleasing, build rock solid self trust, and become the main character of your whole life in six months or less. So I’m so excited to talk about what went down, how Abby’s doing, because her story, your story, Abby, is so incredible.

And I know that people, whether or not they are interested in joining a program like this, they’re going to get so much out of listening to how you have changed your own life in the last two years. So welcome, hello.

Abby (01:27)

Thank you. Hi. Hi, Lily. So delighted to be here with you, to be chatting.

Lily (01:33)

What feels important for people to know about you.

Abby (01:36)

Abby. I am calling in from Washington DC where I have lived for like two and a half years now. So pretty much the length of time that I’ve been connected to you in this work, which feels relevant for why I decided to join and work in the events world. I work at a media company doing live events. so

I travel all over the world really doing events. I have been a very career focused gal and really enjoying my job and my time. now I’m in a newish relationship. So that feels relevant for this part of the conversation, not necessarily my typical get to know you icebreaker, but yeah, that feels relevant for this. I’m originally from Pittsburgh. Yeah.

Lily (02:20)

Cool.

Amazing. Okay, take me to before we started working together, like tell me about what was going on, how are you feeling, what was your inner monologue like on a daily basis? Tell me.

Abby (02:28)

Yanga!

Yeah.

Let’s rewind the clock, huh? Okay, so I feel like I had just moved to Washington, D.C. I moved here unexpectedly. I moved here for a job, and I had a few friends here, but was really kind of, it felt like starting over, it felt like starting over in a career-focused way, which was good.

But one of the things that I had felt at the time was that my love life had continued to take a backseat. So I was here for work trying to make community and struggling a little bit and struggling to date. I at the time would have been like early 30s, mid 30s and had never been in a serious relationship, really wasn’t dating and was just looking to make a change.

Found you on TikTok, as the people do, and explored the program and I decided to join the dating program at the time, Braids and Breakthrough, and that was a great experience, but I was looking for even more. And so then I joined main character like Mastermind like a year ago and ⁓ was really looking forward to the sort of like focused time to spend on some of my life goals, which were

having a life beyond work.

Really where, that was with the impetus for beginning the journey.

Lily (04:05)

Yeah, so I wanna touch on something that I think that so many people listening can probably relate to. And then I can relate to, which is that, you mentioned I had never been in a long-term romantic relationship and I was in my 30s and like, tell me about your mindset as it related to dating, feeling perhaps, not to put words in your mouth, like behind.

Abby (04:16)

Yeah.

Oh, so behind, always behind. I still feel behind in so many ways. But yes, so I was in my early to mid 30s. Everyone around me was starting to get married and start to have kids, all of those close to me. And I felt behind for not having those things, not having those things that I thought I should have, but also wanted.

Lily (04:32)

Hmm.

Abby (04:58)

Also I would say a lot of shame, a lot of shame being in my, you know, being whatever age and feeling like I did not have experience that came so naturally to other people. And I would also say like a lot of, I don’t know, anger or regret at a past self for

you for missing out on experiences and this idea of wishing that I could rewind the clock to, you know, like be a braver, bolder version of myself. yeah, so those were, think, were the prevailing feelings and then not like wanting to move forward in a way that was totally joyful about my life and kind of without that any regret.

To figure out a way to kind of move through those feelings and move past.

Lily (05:44)

Yeah.

Yeah, that makes sense. I think I’m wondering how that shame, how that behind narrative was playing into your dating life and your life in general before we started working together. How did that impact you?

Abby (06:02)

Yeah, I mean, I feel like it was probably on dating apps when we started, maybe, but probably not using them very, yeah, it wasn’t really dating with any like focus or commitment or intentionality. That’s the word I want to think one of the things that I felt was,

Lily (06:17)

Mmm.

Abby (06:25)

I would run through the script in my mind of what I would say when past relationships came up on a first or second date and like, what do I do? How do I say? That’s such a hard conversation. People are gonna think I’m weird. I had such a deep belief that I would be on dates or talking about my love life with friends and the prevailing thought that people would have is like,

Lily (06:30)

Mmm.

Abby (06:53)

What’s wrong with her? Why is she weird for not having this experience? And that’s really how the shame, I think the shame had just become of a voice in the back of my head that was loud, really loud and holding me back.

Lily (06:54)

Hmm.

Yeah.

How is it holding you back? Tell me.

Abby (07:09)

Probably being scared to have that conversation made me not want to go on first dates, made it feel impossible to go on first dates because there were two things, either I didn’t want to have that conversation or I felt like I had to be perfect in that conversation. I had to know exactly what my elevator pitch was going to be.

Lily (07:16)

100%.

Yeah.

Abby (07:32)

To explain why I had never been in a serious relationship or any sort of relationship. I think that sort of carried forward the feeling that I’ll figure that out later. I’ll figure that out in the future. I need to work on that. And then was just preventing me from doing the things I wanted to do.

Lily (07:52)

Yeah, and connecting with people.

Abby (07:54)

And connecting with people, right?

Lily (07:55)

Yeah, and you were in a new city and I’m sure that felt like kind of scary to double bind of like, I wanna meet people, I wanna connect with people, I wanna date, but at the same time, that feels like a nightmare because then I’ll have to have a conversation that makes them think that I’m weird and then they will not wanna go on another date with me because I’m so weird.

Abby (08:14)

Totally.

Lily (08:16)

Yeah, I think this is something that I hear all the time and you know this because we’ve talked about it, but like people really struggle with the belief that their experience or lack of experience is a deal breaker for people. And then you try to solve the deal breaker by trying to get into a relationship. But then you end up in the same vicious cycle of like download, delete or burnout or being with the wrong kind of people because of this self

Abby (08:28)

Yeah.

Lily (08:45)

This like shame that keeps coming up. It’s so normal. And when we started talking and like working together, I just saw this so clearly. This like, ⁓ Abby, this is actually, I mean, it’s not simple, but it’s actually so simple. We do this every day and like, it’s possible to process the shame, to move through it, to think differently about yourself. What do you remember your reaction to that?

Abby (08:49)

Totally.

Lily (09:13)

Being at first.

Abby (09:15)

⁓ I think I hoped that I believed you. think I, do this exercise at the beginning, certainly of main character life, ⁓ about what do you hope to believe about yourself. And I think I probably hoped that it was something that I could move through or really normal the shame and there was a way to not be limited by these thoughts that I’m weird anymore.

But certainly it took work with you. I think the other thing that is, like you say all the time, but is so true is the power of the community around me in the program and just hearing other people talk about shame in exactly the same manifestation as mine, but also in different iterations of whatever they’re working through that they think makes them different or weird is so helpful.

Lily (09:55)

Yeah.

Abby (10:11)

Is like incredible just to have, yeah.

Lily (10:12)

Isn’t it so,

Belonging is so life-changing. And the thing about shame and specifically people who feel like late bloomers or who feel behind and no matter what area of life, it’s such a shame breeds in silence. And of course, when you assume that you’re weird, you’re gonna wanna be by yourself, you’re gonna wanna self-isolate because who wants to continue to be socially rejected for being weird? And so your brain’s doing this like calculus of how do I remain the safest possible?

Abby (10:16)

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.

Bright.

Lily (10:43)

And what belonging does and why I love that the mastermind is in this small group community is that simply by sitting on a call and hearing about other people’s stories and hearing other people be coached through processing that shame, I mean, how did that feel?

Abby (11:03)

So powerful. And the thing that I was thinking about as you were talking is like the voice, when you’re in isolation, the voice of shame can get really loud and can feel, for me, can get, had gotten pretty loud and had gotten like the most pervasive and true narrative was the thought that I was having, that I was weird and embarrassing. Embarrassing was really the word that I used.

Lily (11:12)

Yeah.

you

Abby (11:28)

that had gotten, it felt so true and it felt so loud and talking through it with you and listening to other people talk through very similar ideas just kind of quieted that voice and made it more easier to just ignore and to see in the past. And if I can jump to like a something good that has happened,

Okay, so I’ve been in this relationship for just about a year and I remember having a relatively innocuous conversation with my boyfriend about feeling not necessarily behind, but one of the pervasive feelings that I had felt in college and in my early 20s was just very shy and unsure of myself, which was a kind of microcosm of this feeling shamed and behind. I knew so. It felt easy to have and he was great about it.

Lily (12:12)

Hmm.

Abby (12:17)

He was like, that makes me feel sad for you and that version of you. And it was such a beautiful conversation. And it felt easy because that voice of like, don’t do, don’t say that, say it the right way. Otherwise you’re gonna be embarrassed was quieter. And that was because of him and the relationship, but also because of the practice that I had done for the past two years.

Lily (12:32)

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. So beautiful. And we’re going to get into your relationship and how you met and all of that stuff in a minute. I want to go back to like, okay, so you join main character dating because you identify like, I want to make change in this area of my life. Again, it was called Braids and Breakthrough at the time. And then so what did you find helpful about that? And then how did you know you wanted to move beyond just main character dating into main character life, which is a smaller group?

Abby (12:41)

Okay. I don’t got it.

Yes.

Lily (13:04)

more, you know, a group that you’re going together through the material for six months in a pretty intensive way. What made you know, like, what did you like about MCD or Brazen Breakthrough at the time? And then what made you know you wanted to do something with main character life?

Abby (13:20)

MCD, main character dating, I think it was the perfect entry for me because there’s something so powerful about, it’s like 100 plus women in the cohort. Everybody, it’s asynchronous, so everybody is working through things at their own time. And because this talking about my dating life felt new and scary, it was really… powerful and helpful to see women at all different stages of the work, at all different comfort levels and talking about what they were navigating. And I really enjoyed the community that MCD brought. Also, there were a healthy handful of DC-based women that I got to meet in real life through that program. And so that sort of idea of friendship building and belonging came to fruition and that was wonderful.

you know, I worked through the modules and I, but I don’t know that I actually ever asked for coaching, Lily. I probably didn’t. I was probably a silent observer and that’s okay. But I reflected on myself that I am probably a person who thrives actually in this smaller group format in doing dedicated work with other women who are at the same timeline as me. So I learned a ton from MCD, but then learned about myself that I really craved the small group. So I explored and I had a exploratory call with you, which was great to like actually make myself known and talk out loud with you.

also at the time, the timeline felt perfect for me to join main character life because It was the fall and my boss was just about to leave for a six month maternity leave and her dates aligned literally precisely with the dates of main character like Mastermind and I was tapped to fill in for her. So I was about to have to do my job and her job for the next six months. Two very big jobs. I was working independently on a huge project. She had a big job.

⁓ and I was really nervous that work was going to take over my whole life. If I didn’t make a boundary and be dedicated in some other area of my life. And I wasn’t dating at the time and I wanted to be dating and I knew I needed this focus and accountability and the dedicated time. And there was a moment when I was thinking about signing up. had read the materials and I was at work.

Lily (15:32)

Yeah.

Abby (15:53)

I think I was at my boss’s baby shower and I had a thought in my head that was like the way that she is talking about herself and this new journey of her life, she’s the main character and it is supported by me, the supporting character, doing her work. And I’m happy for her and her next chapter, but I don’t want to feel like the supporting character. I want to feel like the main character. And a couple of days later we had our call and I knew that it was time to join.

Lily (16:09)

you

Abby (16:22)

And I’m lucky that I could. And so I had my boss’s job and my job and this work. ⁓ And it was exactly the kind of reminder to set boundaries and advocate for myself at work and advocate for my personal life that I needed at that time.

Lily (16:40)

Wow, what a beautiful like moment where you were at this baby shower and you were looking around and you’re like, I’m happy for her, but I want my own story too, in general.

Abby (16:50)

Crack.

Cracked. That’s exactly what it was.

Lily (16:55)

And how did you navigate? You I think a lot of people have this awareness that they like the idea of this work. They like the idea of this program. They may have explored different avenues of support. This just feels really aligned. then, you know, spending money on yourself brings along with it complicated feelings sometimes. Do you remember how you navigated that?

Abby (17:18)

Mmm, yes. I would say that for me it manifested in… worry, should I spend the money on this? Do I have the money to spend on this? And sort of an analysis of my own budget. And then when I knew that I could make it work, of course, you know, based on when I was cutting back into certain areas to spend, I just thought that it was really exciting. Like I had an opportunity to really focus on myself in a new way and to use my own hard worked for money to do something brave and bold and different because the program did feel brave to me to sit for six months and really talk with new folks about who I was and who I wanted to be felt brave and I remember feeling like it was an exciting like gift that I could join this program and and and the exact right way to spend my money.

Lily (17:57)

Mmm.

Hmm, I love, love that approach of like looking at your numbers. I always advocate for like, if it’s between this and rent or any bill that keeps your life running, don’t do this right now. And if it calls to you, if you feel that heart pull and you can make it work.

Abby (18:35)

Right.

Lily (18:42)

and you really want to do it, then giving yourself that permission to do what that what you want to do is the first main character energy step because it’s about choosing what you want to do and doing it.

Abby (18:55)

Yeah, yeah, that’s exactly how I feel. And so now I’ve done this however many months of this great program and maybe I’m still wearing my boots from two years ago, but that’s as it should be. What exactly as I should.

Lily (19:07)

Yeah,

tell me about being in the program, what do you remember standing out in terms of breakthroughs or lessons that you experienced pretty quickly, let’s say.

We can say like short-term changes and then longer-term changes, because it’s been a little while.

Abby (19:22)

So.

It has been a little while. I was fortunate enough to do two back-to-back cohorts. And again, the timing is so fortuitous. Tonight is the final call of our second cohort. ⁓ So it has been some time, but okay, I remember it took me a couple, it took me a bit to sink in ⁓ because in typical perfectionist fashion, I really wanted to know.

Lily (19:36)

is the final call.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Abby (19:52)

Was I doing enough? Was I doing my homework right? Was I showing up to the calls right? And I think that that was the first thing to ease. So this idea of doing the program correctly or doing it enough, doing it well enough, that I remember being some pretty quick gains where I was able to just sort of settle into myself and find this inner like peace that going to be okay. Here I was alone for this ride and I would sort of absorb whatever it was, whatever I was meant to absorb from it I would and I think that that sentiment of like just sort of relax into things has stayed with me. I think that that is like really well I maybe it’s self-trust maybe you would, maybe it’s both,

Lily (20:33)

Hmm.

No, I think that what I hear from my perspective as your coach is that the big umbrella was of our work was how can I release this shame and get on with living a bigger life where I’m not embarrassed to take up space?

Abby (21:01)

Sure, yeah, sure. Yes, that resonates a lot. The other thing is this idea that I just said, but I can say with a finer point of not being good enough, which I think is bound up in shame, was pretty pervasive. This idea that there was something to fix, something to solve, something that I wasn’t good enough at to really get the…

Lily (21:04)

If that, does that resonate?

Yeah.

Abby (21:29)

relationship but the life that I wanted. that became a really powerful thing for me to break down why does that exist? Why have I always felt like a problem solver? And what does not good enough even really mean?

Lily (21:43)

Yeah, I think we were talking about that in regards to like how you felt comfortable or uncomfortable asking questions.

Abby (21:51)

Yeah. Yeah.

Lily (21:53)

And I think that that’s the beauty of being held accountable to your desires and being held accountable to what you want in community is like, I can see the ways that this is showing up for you and all these different, like how you ask questions, how you give yourself permission to be messy or not, how you take action or not based on what you wanna do, how you judge yourself or not, right? And I’m wondering for people listening, like…

Abby (22:11)

Mm-hmm.

Lily (22:20)

How the fuck did you do that, Abby? Like, how did you release the voice that, or rather take it out of the driver’s seat, that you weren’t good enough or that something was embarrassing or that something needed to be fixed? How did you—do you remember something that turned the tide for you?

Abby (22:38)

I think I just tried to verbally process it as much as I could. So I think I just tried to talk out loud about feeling not good enough as often as I could in a safe container, which was this cohort and with you, and sort of name every time that like, that voice is my not good enough voice, that that narrative is me telling myself that I’m not good enough or there’s something to solve. And so I guess by shedding light on that, that was the story that was coming up over and over. I don’t remember a flashpoint moment, but I do remember being able to identify the not good enough voice and then kind of like figure out when it was talking to me loudly, whereas before I think it was more subconscious.

Lily (23:22)

Yeah.

Where are you now? Like in terms of your inner—you’re perfect, everything’s great. But how would you compare your inner monologue now to two years ago?

Abby (23:43)

I have—yeah, it’s really beautiful to think back about actually and to have this moment to pause. My inner monologue is a lot more trusting. I say a lot more to myself and out loud, “I’ll figure it out. I’ll just do it like this.” I say that a lot at work about various problems at work, and it makes me great at my job. And I may have always been like that at work, but now I say it more in my day to day. I can give you a clear example. As part of the second cohort of Main Character Life Mastermind, we have this dares project. It’s amazing. And we write down as many dares as we can and we do them. And I had a moment a month ago where I said to you, “It’s not feeling that fun or fruitful for me to be chipping away at dares in exactly the way that everybody else is.” And I think that that’s part of the point—that I am going to move forward on a path that looks a little bit different, but still makes sense for me and is still doing work. And I feel—I said to you like, that is my progress and that that is where I should be right now.

Lily (25:06)

Mmm.

Abby (25:06)

And I think I probably actually said, “Is that OK? Are you OK with that?” And you said, “Of course. You are advocating for what you want and need and what you think is right.” Yeah, I think that that is more the energy that I bring than ever before. It doesn’t feel like some sort of grand fireworks in my brain all the time. It just feels like a lot more peace and a lot more kind of contentment, which is so nice. Which is so nice. Yeah.

Lily (25:34)

Yeah.

I love that for you, Abby. And I loved hearing you ask like—or say, “This isn’t feeling right for me. Here’s what would feel right for me. I’m going to do it.” Even if you said like, “Is that OK?” Of course, my job as your coach is to support you to take up space with your desires. And when I see you doing that so effectively, I’m always a hell yes. Period, you know? And I wonder, so those are the internal shifts that I think that people sort of downplay—how big an internal dialogue shift can change the external. Tell me about some external shifts that you have co-created by showing up with this level of main character energy.

Abby (26:26)

Yeah, I guess there’s been a lot. Which is great. I… Okay, so I did two jobs for six months and then at the tail end of that I got a promotion.

Lily (26:38)

Congratulations.

Abby (26:51)

Thank you. It had to happen, was necessary to happen, but I still had to advocate for it and I still, you know, wrote my own promotion paperwork as you do. You know, that was part of my journey—that promotion and that raise. I feel like that was just knowing that I deserved those things because of how I had showed up at work, you know, was really powerful for me. The level of responsibilities that I have taken on since being in this program, since being in my job for two and a half years, since doing both jobs, is greater than I think I had imagined when I first started this job. So that’s really exciting. I feel at home and settled in DC, which was also a big part of my early journey here. I feel like my initial question to you was like, why am I not dating anyone and should I still live in DC? So just, yeah.

Lily (27:32)

You were so like, I…

Uh-huh, verbatim. Yeah.

Abby (27:48)

So I feel more at home here. Yeah, I feel really settled. And, I mean, part of my journey was I had tried to move back to New York, and I ended up getting a job in DC. And so at the beginning, the first however many months of our work together in my time here was, “Should I be there? Am I in the wrong spot? Will I ever kind of live the life that I want to live if I’m living here?” So happy that that is not a part of my monologue anymore. Just at work and the community that I’ve built, some of the friends that I’ve made—honestly some of the friends through this program have been important DC cornerstones to me, and that’s really lucky. But yeah, just feeling really settled in this city and in my home. ⁓ And then I got this boyfriend. I’m in this new relationship which is the longest and most serious of my life. So that’s been a big shift and an exciting bit of work.

Lily (28:44)

Well, tell me about, you know—well, bravo to everything that you have created. You know how I feel, and the listeners probably know, that the relationship is the cherry on top when you are living in your main character energy. I also want to name that it sounds like everything had a shift. You know what I’m saying? Like, it’s so funny.

Abby (29:14)

Yeah, it’s amazing. And it’s very powerful to be able to sit here and tell you and sort of reflect on where I have been and now where I am. And I don’t know, it reminds me of the important work that is a part of this program and that I hope to carry on, which is regularly reflecting on and celebrating brags and wins because it’s so cool to hear them and to say them out loud.

Lily (29:37)

Yes.

And I remember when you first started, did it feel difficult for you to brag about yourself? I remember that being a thing—that it was like, “I shouldn’t, I don’t want to, I’m gonna share gratitude today.” Do you remember that?

Abby (29:47)

Yeah, yeah. Well, I can’t even think of what a brag would be. Yeah, or I can’t even think of what a brag would be. I know I’ve done things, but what am I supposed to brag about? And just exercising that muscle—the more you brag out loud, the more I have bragged out loud, the more I have found things to brag about, which is so fun. So fun.

Lily (30:00)

Yeah.

Yeah.

Cool.

The well fills back up, you know? And I also think, you know, when reflecting how many things have changed in your life, both internally and externally, I just want to reflect back that you did that. You know what I’m saying? Like, you can really—it sounds like you are—and I just want to encourage, you can stand in, “Wow, I really learned how to fiercely show up for myself and not hold myself back with shame.”

Abby (30:21)

Let’s see.

Lily (30:47)

And like, and the shame isn’t ours, right? It’s like—it was given to us by this society that tells women and people who are socialized as women that they’re wrong in some way for being who they are, wanting what they want, asking for, you know, all these things. Like, you get to give that back and you did, and really operate from a different—doesn’t mean, I know you know, but I’m saying for the audience, doesn’t mean shame doesn’t come up again. It’s just a human emotion, like poop, that’s just like, comes up, you gotta process it, pass it. But it’s not driving the car anymore. And I think for so many people who have a hard time imagining what a different kind of life would look like, maybe shame is feeling like a driver.

Abby (31:34)

Yeah, yeah, or just—yeah, and just that the, like the not-friend, the opposite of the friend that kind of lives in your brain with you and is loud. And just having the ability to—I have found the ability most often to turn that volume down. ⁓ And that’s pretty incredible.

Lily (31:36)

More days than not.

Yeah.

Yeah.

How did you meet your boyfriend?

Abby (31:57)

We met on Hinge. Yeah, we met on Hinge.

Lily (31:59)

Yeah. Did you—

remember, did you do the date profile review process in Main Character Dating?

Abby (32:09)

I didn’t. I never had my profile reviewed. If I’m honest, I never did it. However, what I will say is my profile was heavily influenced by this program and the work that we did and my EBPs and the qualifying, disqualifying questions, like all of that and just how to be more myself and more, I don’t know, like

Lily (32:16)

Nah.

Mm-hmm.

Abby (32:38)

bigger in my dating profile was like founded in this work.

Lily (32:40)

Yeah.

I love it. Okay, so what do you remember about connecting and messaging and going on your first date?

Abby (32:54)

Okay, so we actually have an interesting story because we matched and messaged for a bit and then he ghosted me. And then, I know. And then I probably, and I can’t remember kind of, no, no, no, no. We were just messaging. So I don’t know if we consider it ghosting. Yes.

Lily (33:05)

What?

Wait, did you go on a date before he ghosted you or was just messaging? Just messaging, okay, date plan. Well,

just wanted to clarify if it was like a first date after first date ghosting feels different than like couple messages back. Okay, keep going, keep going. He didn’t follow up.

Abby (33:21)

No, no, no. Yes. Good clarification. We never met up.

He didn’t follow up. Thank you. And I can’t remember where that was in my journey of this process. But at some point I deleted Hinge and then re-uploaded it with all of my powerful MCD learnings and we matched again. And I remember thinking, this guy, what’s he up to this time? But I gave him another

shot and we matched again and we went out and okay.

Lily (33:52)

Did he,

just breaking this down, did he acknowledge that he had dropped the ball? He forgot, okay. When was that said?

Abby (33:57)

No, he forgot. No, he didn’t. didn’t. Totally forgot.

When did I bring it up?

Lily (34:05)

Yeah!

Abby (34:07)

I can’t remember, but I’m sure it was in person and I’m sure it was in the context of giving him like a jokingly hard time. Like you, you know, what did, what happened, man? Like you are the one who, you know, ditched me. ⁓ Okay, yes, okay. We can go back because what I really, what I want to say out loud to acknowledge first is that we actually had a big hiatus. We…

Lily (34:20)

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you messaged you went on a first date. Tell me more.

Abby (34:35)

Okay, and the timing is even better because we matched and went out on our first date last August. So when we are recording this, it is November, so a year and a few months ago. We went out on five or six dates and the timing and then I ended it. And the timing was that I ended it right as I…

was kind of freaking out about having to do two jobs at once and there being too much going on at work and me starting this program. So my old patterns of, can’t handle this, I have to focus on work. And his communication style wasn’t giving me everything that I wanted, meaning he just wasn’t texting me enough. I didn’t feel considered enough because he wasn’t texting me enough, but I didn’t tell him that. I just said, I’m busy at work.

Lily (35:13)

Hmm

Abby (35:30)

and need to take a pause. And then I started this program. We did three months of make of I started main character life. We had done about three months. I had it was now January. I had finished a big project at work. I was feeling I was working on my promotion stuff. I was feeling peaceful and more sure of myself. And he reached back out to me out of the blue. And I was very

curious and intrigued about the timing. And we, was feeling more, I was just feeling myself and I was very curious. And so we went on again last year, February, and we’ve been dating since.

Lily (36:02)

Mmm.

⁓ my goodness.

Abby (36:19)

And I finally told him early in that second administration that I said something along the lines of, I need you to text me 25% more. Something’s not working for me here. And he did. And he did it early and he did it well. And I’ve been able to sort of communicate my needs to him thus far ever since.

Lily (36:43)

That’s so cool. Thank you more please. And I think that that

skill of identifying what you want and asking for it is direct, is that’s your main character energy.

Abby (36:55)

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Lily (36:58)

And I also think that texting is really interesting with dating because a lot of people that I work with say like, wish my new partner would text more. And Chris, my husband, who is the best person in the whole world, in my opinion, is, ⁓ and it’s factual. He is a lousy text.

Abby (37:19)

or sure.

Lily (37:20)

And I remember he uses periods, not exclamation points. He will say, okay, you know, with nothing else, you know? And at the beginning, I was really freaked out by that. And he was busy with work. He was in his own, you know, he just wasn’t a natural texter. And there’s a version of this story for me that would have gone like, well, you don’t text in the way that I need you to. And so this isn’t gonna work. But in other ways, he was showing up.

with more communication and more openness and fun and honesty and connectivity than I’d ever experienced before over the phone or on dates and like that I realized in the process sort of it totally outweighed the texting piece. And I love that you asked for what you wanted, which was like, hey, here’s an ask 25% more. That’s what I want. And I’m going to ask for it. And let’s figure this out. And for me, it was

Abby (38:09)

Thank you.

Lily (38:14)

Hey, I’d love to talk on the phone every night after you get home from work. And we did that, and it was great. ⁓

Abby (38:17)

Yeah. I can’t imagine something like

that to anyone every night, but good for you.

Lily (38:24)

Well,

then that became a conversation because I wanted to talk for an hour and a half every night. He was working, you know, in nine hours, nine hours, then coming home and being, he was exhausted. And then I was like, to me for an hour and a half. And he eventually, a couple of weeks later said, hey, that’s a lot for me. I can’t give that to you. Can we talk for this amount of time? I love you. I can’t wait to connect with you. we, you know. So anyway, I think that that’s.

Abby (38:29)

That’s it.

Lily (38:53)

open adult communication can do wonders for the right relationship.

Abby (38:57)

Yeah,

that, yeah. Thank you for sharing that with me. Yeah, I think that’s so true. And I was really proud of myself for advocating for 25% more. And when I broke it down the first time around, I struggled to feel like momentum was building because we were kind of going out once a week and we weren’t really talking in between. our dates were good.

and we, you we talked for a long time and the conversation felt easeful, which it has always felt, ⁓ which is a beautiful part of this relationship. but I wasn’t sure. I was scared. I was scared and I was scared of, experiencing something that I felt like I had never tried before. And so.

Lily (39:29)

Wonderful.

Abby (39:43)

I don’t know, those things got conflated in my head of like, you’re not texting me, we’re not building momentum. I don’t know if this is going as good. This is scary. I’m just going to end it as I had done, as I had been comfortable doing in the past, just sort of things early and him reaching back out and reconnecting and me having the tools to say, going to give this a shot. I’m going to have some of these conversations that

Lily (39:58)

Right. Yeah.

Abby (40:10)

I want to have and advocate for some of the things I want and being less bogged down in the shame and the just like allowed it to blossom.

Lily (40:20)

Beautiful. I’m so excited for you in all of the ways, right? Like in all of these ways that you show up for yourself in this new way. And I think that the relationship again is just like really cool extension. How you show up in that relationship feels like such a cool extension of how you are trusting your own self and main character energy.

Abby (40:37)

Mm-hmm.

Lily (40:48)

And I, inquiring minds want to know, Abby, how did that conversation go about women’s last relationship?

Abby (40:56)

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Thank you for asking. it actually happened in the, and it did happen, of course. It happened early. So I think it was our third date, you know, the first go-around. This was a while ago, and I can’t remember exactly how it was asked or how it came up, but it certainly did. And if I could…

I promise this isn’t a plant, this is really true. I had your voice in my head being like, you can’t say the wrong thing to the right person. And I just had some little thing that I said actually haven’t been in a relationship longer than a handful of months. I wish I could remember what I said, but it doesn’t matter what I said because I said something. It doesn’t matter. had some, some.

Lily (41:42)

Okay. It literally doesn’t matter. Yeah.

Abby (41:46)

line I think that was like actually haven’t been in anything longer than a couple of months because and I said two like insignificant little things and he was like okay. He didn’t care. He didn’t care and he

Lily (41:58)

Like what?

Wait, what were the little insignificant things that you said because

Abby (42:06)

Like I said little and insignificant because what I’m trying to communicate is things that to me felt like the biggest deal in the world ultimately weren’t. So basically my things like I’ve been focusing on work a lot. I moved around a couple of times and I had a family thing. Now my family thing is that I lost my dad and so I was like hyper focused on grief and family for a while. Thank you, Lily.

Lily (42:16)

Right.

So sorry. Yeah.

Abby (42:35)

Just can’t remember if I told him that then or just said a family thing, but it doesn’t matter. Um, so I think I said like, oh, those three things happened and here I am. And things that felt like, yeah, he was great.

Lily (42:38)

Yeah, family thing.

And he was like, okay, I think that that’s so mind blowing to people.

Abby (42:54)

Paging clear.

I guarantee you he didn’t remember either. He certainly knows by now that there’s not people that I talk about having dated forever and ever, but he does not remember that conversation, I’m sure, and he doesn’t care.

Lily (43:00)

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Well, it’s not significant with the right person. It’s like, and the wrong person would be like, what, what’s wrong with you? Why haven’t you? What’s the matter? But the right person is just gonna be like, tell me more or okay. And that’s pretty consistently the truth from everybody that I’ve worked with and who’s met partners who haven’t been in relationships before. So Abby, as we’re coming to an end in our convo, I…

Abby (43:26)

Yeah.

Yeah.

Lily (43:40)

…wonder what you would say to two things. What would you say to yourself before starting this work? And then what might you say to somebody who is thinking about joining the Mastermind?

Abby (43:57)

I think to someone who is thinking about it, I would just encourage how worth it it has been, how important this work has been in the last year of my life, whether it’s been like on the front burner or has receded into this sort of general wash of my life, because it has allowed me to reflect and celebrate and quiet some of the voices in my mind that I had wanted to quiet forever. And just like what a cool opportunity. I feel really lucky to have been a part of this experience. It’s such a, it’s something that not everybody does and it has been so valuable and important. And so that is what I would emphasize to people. It’s like such a cool thing that you offer and that we get to do.

What would I say to myself, like who I was before or on the precipice of doing this work? I don’t know. The thing that comes to mind is something about like, I don’t know that I’m not a totally different person than I was when I started, but I didn’t need to be and I didn’t want to be. And…

Lily (44:58)

Yeah!

Yeah.

Abby (45:15)

Just learning how to really feel peaceful with who I am and the way that my mind works and the gifts that I bring to the world and learn how to work through some of the things that are harder but normal is the whole thing. And I’m the same person that I was when I started, but I’m just more confident and less shameful version of that that’s how it should be. Like I’m lucky to be who I was before and I’m lucky to be where I am now. That’s it. Yeah. Yeah.

Lily (45:47)

Mm, yeah, I love that. Yeah, less shame-filled and more self-trusting and confident is what I hear. And that allows you to take bigger leaps in your life and feel safer doing so.

Abby (45:55)

Yeah.

Totally, totally. That voice is like, it’ll be okay, you’ll figure it out is the loudest one. And that’s so cool. It means I can go and do lots of stuff. I can go and do whatever.

Lily (46:04)

Ugh, well…

Yeah.

So cool.

It means this is just the beginning, yeah? So cool. Well, I’ll see you in 30 short minutes for the wrap up call for this round of main character life. If you, and Abby, I just want to, you know, again, reflect back, like I’m so grateful to have worked with you and I am so honored to have born witness, to bear witness, born witness to your journey in this experience and.

Abby (46:17)

Yeah.

Lily (46:42)

Thank you for being so open and vulnerable you for allowing yourself to be supported at this level. Like what a gift it’s been to walk through this with you. So thank you and thank you for sharing today.

Abby (46:55)

Thank you, Lily.

Lily (46:58)

All right, everybody, if you want to join main character life, you can join us at the upcoming live training, which is happening tomorrow when this drops December 2nd, 2025. It’s called Stop People-pleasing and Build a Stupidly Joyful Life. You can go to datebrazen.com to sign up right now. And if you’re listening to this afterward and before December 12th, I believe, then you can apply for main character life right now. We can hop on an unhurried sales call to talk about whether or not it’s the right next step for you. And we kick off in January 2026.

So it’s the perfect time to join us if you are ready to step into your main character energy this year and live a bigger, bolder, more confident, more self-trusting life. Talk to y’all soon.