Think dating apps are the only way to find love—but secretly hate them?

Same, friend.

In this episode of the Date Brazen Podcast, I’m sharing my complete, no-BS guide to using dating apps in a way that protects your sanity and increases your chances of finding the right relationship.

Inside, you’ll learn:
→ Why deleting and re-downloading apps keeps you stuck
→ The exact rules for stress-free swiping (hint: 20 minutes a day)
→ How to write a profile that qualifies the right people—and filters out the wrong ones
→ Why you should never, ever try to be “chill” in your dating bio

Plus, I’m revealing my personal photo rubric and conversation starters that actually spark connection.

Dating apps are flawed—but with this episode, you’ll know how to make them work for you.

Work with Lily:

Learn about her signature program, Main Character Dating: datebrazen.com/waitlist

Book: Thank You More Please

YouTube Channel

Tiktok

Instagram

Show transcript:

Lily @ Date Brazen (00:00.536)

Hello gorgeous friend, welcome to another episode of the Date Brazen podcast. I am so excited for this episode where I’m going to give you my complete guide to finding love on a dating app. Now, as you know, I hate all dating apps equally. I think that they are all majorly flawed, both and they can be an excellent resource for you to do two things, expand your social circle and to

really get to know your dating personality, meaning getting to know your likes, your dislikes, preferences, your triggers, your how to take care of yourself plan. So all of these things are what I’m gonna cover in the episode today, but really I’m gonna drill down into my fiercest, most direct dating app advice so that you can find more success on a dating app while preserving your mental health and sanity and also finding joy in the process. So.

This episode is going to be fire. So I want you to take notes, get your notes app out if you’re on a walk or get a pen and paper out if that’s your jam and get ready. It’s going to be so fun to dive into breaking the dumb dating rules of all of the dating app advice you’ve heard before that doesn’t work and giving you this clear path forward to finding more using this really flawed and sometimes powerful resource called a dating app. Now,

If you have been really struggling in your dating life to figure out how to find love on your terms, how to build a dating life that feels joyful and that leads to the right kind of dates and the right kind of relationship, and you want a clear path forward with all of the joy and all of the self-trust, then I have something for you. My book, Thank You More Please, A Feminist Guide to Breaking Dumb Dating Rules and Finding Love is out for pre-order right now.

This proven feminist framework will help you create an epic love life, one that attracts more than you thought possible. In my book, Thank You More, Please, you will learn how to ditch the self-blamey, rigid dating advice and start trusting your gut. You will learn how to embrace and celebrate yourself right now and celebrate your singleness. You’re gonna learn how to own all your relationship preferences and how to be powerfully picky. You’re gonna learn how to date like a feminist to attract the partnership that you crave and more. This book,

Lily @ Date Brazen (02:17.498)

is so funny, must say. It’s a hilarious feminist no-bullshit guide with a joyful unconventional formula. Thank you more please. We’ll show you how to ask exactly for what you want and find love exactly as you are. And you can preorder your copy of Thank You More Please with the link in the description of this episode. Or you can go to datebrazen.com slash book to order your copy wherever books are sold and

you’re going to get our special Thank You More Please pre-order bonuses if you pre-order at datebrazen.com slash book. So go pre-order Thank You More Please. I would be so grateful if you did. Pre-orders mean everything to the success of a book. And I am so excited for you to get this book in your hands in June 2024. And before then, I can’t wait to change your life, not only with this podcast, but with our pre-order bonus of the Thank You More Please club, which again, you can find out more about

at datebreason.com slash book. Now with that, let’s get into this episode.

Lily @ Date Brazen (03:22.99)

Hey, I’m Lily Wonville, former top matchmaker and founder of Date Brazen. After setting up hundreds, I realized that with coaching, women could match themselves better than anyone else ever could. With my unconventional feminist approach, I’ve helped women around the world build courageous and self-trust-filled love lives, and now I’m here to support you. Get ready, because I’m about to share the exact steps you need to attract a soul-quenching partnership and feel amazing about yourself along the way. This is the Date Brazen podcast.

For this episode, we are gonna use chapter six of Thank You More Please, the Wild Wild West of online dating to really outline how you’re gonna find love on a dating app or find more fulfilling, joyful experiences, whether or not the dating app is how you meet your person. think that using a dating app, my pro for using a dating app, is that it is an efficient way to get in the way of a lined opportunity.

The difference between you finding your person or your partner this year and not finding your partner this year is how often you get in the way of aligned opportunity. Aligned opportunity looks like putting yourself out there with massive messy courageous action. It looks like ditching perfectionism and trying, even if you feel nervous to start. It means getting on a dating app with all of the boundaries and all of the plan.

that you need to save your mental health in the process and to have more joy in the process that then attracts the right people. So I’m gonna teach you how to be in the way of a lined opportunity using a dating app, knowing that again, repeating myself, I hate them all equally and I know that they can be a powerful resource to meet your person, to expand your social circle, to get to know your dating personality. So here’s what I suggest.

I suggest going in with number one, Eyes Wide Open. So dating apps are mostly all owned by this conglomerate corporate overlord Match Group. Match Group owns Tender, Hinge, Plenty of Fish, OkCupid, a lot of the major dating app players. And Bumble is like the one holdout. Bumble is, they trade on the New York Stock, they think they’re, they IPO’d a couple of years ago, their own thing.

Lily @ Date Brazen (05:34.562)

But I don’t think that Bumble is like markedly better than the companies owned by Match Group, but I digress. Match Group, their job, any dating apps job is to make money for their shareholders, which means you need to really take the power back from dating apps in your brain before you ever get on a dating app. Because so many people download a dating app because they think that it’s going to be the answer to their singleness. When your singleness isn’t necessarily something, it’s not something to be fixed.

Right? There’s nothing wrong with where you are right now. Both hand, you have a desire, if you’re listening to this episode, you have a desire for the right relationship and that’s wonderful. You get to want what you want. And that’s why in this episode, I want to give you all the boundaries and tools that you need to be on a dating app successfully to take the power back from a dating app because it’s truly just one tool in your dating toolkit that you’re going to use to pursue your desire.

Your desire is worthy. desire is, you’re like one of my colleagues and friends, Juliana Hauser, I believe she says desire is your birth, or she says pleasure is your birthright. And I would go another, you know, in another direction with desire is your birthright, right? You have desires because you’re human. Your desire for the right relationship doesn’t make you any less feminist. It doesn’t make you any less whole right now. So I just needed to issue that caveat that the…

Dating apps job is to make money and your job is to pursue your desire. The dating app isn’t gonna save you from your singleness, that’s not a thing. The dating app is going to do everything it can to get you to do a paid app upgrade so that they can make more money, walk in with eyes wide open. Instead of what a lot of you do, I hear on the dating streets and in my DMs, is that you delete dating apps, you’re in a download delete cycle, you delete them because you’re burnt out, totally normal, I get it.

and then you re-download them because a friend tells you, I met my partner on a dating app or, I like just get on a dating app if you want love. Like being on a dating app means you’re trying and just put it out there. No, no, no, no, no. I don’t want you to get on a dating app because you think that it’s the answer to what you want. I want you to be on a dating app when you feel grounded in approaching this dating app with a strategy.

Lily @ Date Brazen (07:49.966)

and with your intention to find the right relationship front and center. So I also want to say, this is an episode of the beginning full of caveats. Lily, just get to it already. That’s also what’s on my mind. So it’s coming, it’s coming. When you’re on a dating app, it is really important to pursue in-person dating as well. So I really want you to go back and listen to episode 89 of the Date Brazen podcast after this one called How the Hell to Meet Somebody in Person.

to start shoring up your in-person dating strategy as well, because it is a both and. In 2023, Pew Research found that 12 to 24 % of people in a committed relationship met online, which means that the majority of people who are in committed relationships in 2023 met in person. In-person dating is alive and well, and a dating app is just one tool. Okay, now that I have edged us for a long time with all of that, let’s get into my dating app advice.

Sometimes I do the mindset work of like, let’s figure out what self trust says. In this episode, I’m just going to give you my hottest, most direct advice. So take notes, take what you need, leave the rest. This is my hot take working with hundreds and thousands of humans to find love online and also do so with all of the joy and boundaries. One dating app, not five, not three. Don’t have them all on your phone gathering dust. Just choose one.

Lily, how do I choose the one that’s right for me? Whichever you hate the least, okay? Whichever feels like you’ve, you know, I like it the best or I hate it the least, period. Whichever user interface you like best, use that dating app. My personal preference for people in the US is Bumble or Hinge. And that is simply because their user interface is better and they have a critical mass of dating app users generally in the US around the country. Now, if you’re talking about Europe,

I would say Tinder is a hotter app. Most people are on Tinder from my experience. And so I think that it’s like choose one and know that you can always change your mind. So once you choose the one dating app that works for you, I want you to know these boundaries. You’re do 20 minutes a day, no notifications. Let’s start there. 20 minutes a day. What do I mean by that? I mean messaging and swiping 20 minutes a day, period. Your brain.

Lily @ Date Brazen (10:09.55)

can’t handle all of the information that a dating app is serving you, especially if you’re mindlessly swiping. Unintentional effort leads to unintentional results, whereas intentional effort leads to intentional results. So, if you’re on a dating app, I want you to be on there 20 minutes max per day, and I want that 20 minutes to be super intentional and cozy. I call it cozy swiping. So, when you’re doing your 20 minutes, you’re going to set a timer, you’re going to sit down on your couch, you’re going to be intentional about it, you’re going to

put a blanket on your lap, you’re gonna have your dog or cat on your lap if that is cozy to you, if you have an animal, and then you’re gonna take a deep breath. I have a podcast called Do This Meditation Before You Swipe, and it is so good. It’s episode 132, Before You Swipe, Try This Meditation. I really recommend that you do that meditation. It’s gonna really help you get grounded before you swipe. It’s about envisioning the best case scenario.

and envisioning the kind of people that will make you come alive and really getting grounded in your own brags before you swipe. We’ll take about five minutes. So get grounded, do a cozy swiping session for 20 minutes. If you get activated, I call this your swiping tipping point, because what can happen is our brains can get activated sometimes because of past experiences, past trauma. And so it’s important to be onto your own brain. It’s important to notice when you get activated by someone that looks like your ex or literally seeing your ex or

you know, seeing somebody that you want on a bad date with on a dating app, like notice when your brain gets activated and be really kind to your brain. Be really kind to yourself. Instead of when you notice yourself getting nervous or frustrated or hopeless, instead of getting down on that, instead of saying like, shut up, stop being hopeless. We’re going to try this year. We’re going to actually do it this year. Just take a deep breath and be like, of course I’m struggling right now. Dating apps are really activating. Remember Lily said that it was a really difficult place for most everyone to be.

and I want to find love and this is really vulnerable. Let me take a deep breath. What do I need right now? It’s an excellent time to use my soft process. Soft, self compassion, right? Putting your hand on your heart, taking a deep breath, giving yourself like a kind word. Truly, it’s all that it takes to reduce your stress and increase resiliency. Number one, self compassion. Number two, own your needs. What do you need right now? Do you need to put the dating app down?

Lily @ Date Brazen (12:30.104)

Do you need to close it from your phone? Do you just need to put it down for a moment and take a deep breath and then get back at it for your 20 minutes? Or do you need to go on a walk? Do you need to call a friend? Do you need to listen to another episode of this podcast to like get grounded and excited and celebrate it again? What do you need? Then F, feel your feelings. If you’re feeling shame or frustration or overwhelm, instead of trying to shut it down, being like, up, don’t feel that way anymore. Or that’s so, God, I can’t believe it. I don’t want to feel this way anymore.

Take a deep breath, feelings aren’t facts, feelings are just feelings, and they’re bodily functions like poop. You’ve gotta feel them to let them pass and flow. So, feel your feelings, then T, thoughts not facts. Notice the thoughts in your brain that you’re having about dating apps, and notice that they’re not facts, okay? For example, if you’ve seen the 15th picture of somebody who has a dead fish in their hand, again, and you’re like, my god, every person on this dating app has a dead fish in their hand and there’s nobody,

Nobody out there for me. They all are not my type. That’s a thought that is leading you to probably feel frustration and hopelessness. That feeling is leading you to either over function, try to force correct, try to swipe even more to prove that story wrong, or under function, give up, take your hands off the wheel, delete all the dating apps, like stop trying at all, right?

So, and then the result is you maybe don’t put yourself out there or maybe the result is you’re miserable, okay? That thought is not a fact. The thought, what I want isn’t possible or who I want doesn’t exist or there are so many people on here with phishing photos and that means that nobody is here for me. That’s a thought, not a fact. Notice it, notice it. The more you can be aware of your own brain and its own survival coping mechanisms from the past,

the more you will be able to rewrite those neural pathways so that it’s not just to like have more positive thoughts, which is your thoughts create your reality, I believe. And I know studies have shown. And right, this is not just mindset work, this is the mindset work that leads to the practical result happening, is not, the point of this isn’t like how long, how can I make dating apps better in general? It’s like,

Lily @ Date Brazen (14:46.456)

How can I consistently put myself out there towards my desires? How can I get more of what I want? It’s learning how to start believing the best case scenario more than you are indulging the worst. And maybe even coming in the middle of those two things, right? A more neutral thought can help you lead to a more positive thought down the line. Don’t try to force your brain to get to the positive, like it does exist.

do a baby step thought. Carla Lowenthal of the Unfuck Your Brain podcast calls it a ladder thought. So instead of what I want doesn’t exist or the thought is everyone on this app has a dead fish in their profile. Maybe the thought is there are a lot of people on this app that are wrong for me and that’s okay. Maybe it’s I’m for the few, not for the many. It might be possible that I haven’t met everyone. It might be possible that I don’t know everything. So instead of indulging the worst case scenario, instead of indulging the thought, what I want doesn’t exist on this dating app,

because I’ve seen so many people that don’t fit my preferences. Notice the thought, thoughts not facts, and choose a baby step reframe, like I just shared examples of just now. That’s a huge like sticker that people have, like sticking point that people have, which is this idea of like, I’ve seen so many people that don’t meet my preferences or I haven’t gotten a match that meets my preferences. And I’m not impressed by that thought. really, when I hear that, when I hear, I haven’t seen anybody that meets my preferences. I just think like, number one,

Are you watching your brain swiping and are you actually paying attention to the evidence that what you want does exist? Because if your brain is convinced that what you want doesn’t exist, then it’s in confirmation bias mode, constantly looking for evidence to prove that story right, to be right and safe, because your brain wants to be right and safe over learning something new. That’s why my book is called Thank You More, Please, because it’s about notice, giving yourself permission to want what you want.

and noticing where it exists in the world right now, yes, even on a dating app. And when you see it saying, thank you more please out loud. That’s my hot take is that like, yeah, most people are gonna be wrong for you on a dating app. And that’s not a problem. It’s just a matter of fact. When you have more access to more humans, you’re going to see more people that are wrong for you. So the no notifications part, there are so many people who have notifications on and are waiting for that response, then get back to the person to then hopefully get a

Lily @ Date Brazen (17:05.58)

get something going, the right person for you is also looking for you. And they also will understand that you’re a human being who has a life. So to those people who I’ve heard of folks who, you know, take a few days or a week or two to get back to somebody on a dating app just because life happens. And then, you know, a client has told me before, the person I was talking to got back to me after I, you know, I took a week to respond and they said, well, you’re not obviously interested in a relationship because you took a week to respond.

And to that I say, bless and release. Dr. Maya Angelou said it perfectly. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. And so they’re showing you that they want urgent responses. Now, there’s a difference between consistent communication with somebody that you’re in a new dating situation with, once you’ve like planned a date, and somebody who is just in a new connection on the dating app and you don’t owe anybody anything on the dating app. This gets me into emotional labor.

Creating a bespoke message for everyone that you match with is unnecessary emotional labor. Trying to respond to somebody within five minutes or within an hour or within a day, if that feels like too much pressure, is unnecessary emotional labor. Now, again, if you’re getting into seeing somebody for the first few dates, then yes, consistent communication is important, but don’t pressure yourself to be inhuman or like a robot here.

What you want is going to happen without you having to muscle it. What you want is going to happen without you having to muscle it when you show up for a lined opportunity, right? So let’s get into your profile. Here is the formula that I recommend for people’s profile. First, you need to know your essence-based preferences. This is your living, breathing, documentation of your desires, your love life vocabulary, how you describe what you want in a deeper way than kind, smart.

This allows you, the essence-based preferences process allows you to get to know your own desires and what you want so deeply that you can clearly and succinctly describe your preferences to someone and they know how you wanna feel in the right relationship. Essence-based preferences will save you from settling, they are settle-proofing, and they will allow you to be open to being surprised by the right person. And you can download my free essence-based preferences guide, which is complete and totally free, at the link in the description of this episode.

Lily @ Date Brazen (19:29.318)

and at datebrazen.com. And when you get this guide, it’s really gonna help you solidify what you want, how it feels to be in the right relationship, how to ask for what you want more clearly, and you’re gonna use that essence-based preferences guide to populate your profile with more deep information about you. The profile is a really important place for you to be deep as hell. The profile is not a place to talk about how much you love tacos unless like,

That’s huge part of your life, right? That’s not a place to talk about something surface level. There is room for some froth and fun and wittiness and like silliness, of course. This doesn’t mean you have to be serious, but so many people are trying to be chill in their dating profile and it’s attracting the wrong kind of people. You want your dating profile to be so essentially you that it qualifies the right people and disqualifies the wrong ones. For example, when I was on a dating app,

when I started doing this work for myself, I was my first client. I put information about Gilmore Girls FanFest, like my love of Gilmore Girls and going to Gilmore Girls FanFest twice because I wanted people to know what my joy looked like, that I was intense about my passions and my hobbies and my TV. And I wanted people to know that. want, like my client wrote about her experiences at Comic-Con that was very important to her. Another client wrote about her

passion for women’s U.S. soccer and their national championship bid and her trip with her family to go see the women’s soccer team from the U.S. and like it is all so important to know what is bringing you joy, what you desire from your love life and to bring that into your profile because your joy and your specificity is what will attract the right kind of people to you as opposed to saying things like

Tell me about the last TV show you binged. You’re like, tell me about your last travel adventure. I want you to be so much more specific and use that real estate really effectively. Let me give you some examples from my book, Thank You More, Please, of really great profile prompts. What makes your profile magnetic to the right people is you. Okay, so my client, she said like,

Lily @ Date Brazen (21:46.166)

Okay, women’s soccer is bringing me joy, but that’s boring to talk about in a dating profile. And then I asked, like, what do you love about it? And she went on for like five minutes and I was like, that’s what you need to put in your profile. So she then transitioned from something more vague, like, I love traveling to, I won’t shut up about was the prompt from the profile. And she said, the Washington spirit, their championship run, their ownership battle, the awesomeness of women’s soccer and the talent of players.

Looking forward to seeing them in action at Audifield this year with my fam. So to the right person, this says that Victoria is passionate, this is my client. She’s a fan who invests her time, energy and money into connecting with her passions. She is close with her family, they go to games together. She is up on the drama, especially of the ownership battle. She is basically living in an episode of Ted Lasso. That is like what she put in her profile that was so much more rich and important than just.

I’m going on a trip with my family this year or I went to, you know, Bali and it was so beautiful. Like go so much deeper. Don’t try to be chill. Try to be you. Okay, here’s another really good prompt and answer from the book that I share from a client experience. The way to win me over is by telling me your self care routine, being consistent in your communication and sharing what sets your heart on fire. So this client, Willa, ended up

going through my essence-based preferences process. I mean, she was my client in the Brazen Breakthrough, so we did this work inside the Brazen Breakthrough. And so she used her literal essence-based preferences to populate this answer. The way to win me over is self-care routine. She wanted somebody who was caring for themself deeply, consistent in your communication. That was one of her EBPs.

Sharing what sets your heart on fire. That was one of the questions, I call them qualifying, disqualifying questions that she came up with to gauge whether or not somebody was right for her. Really go intentionally into your profile. Don’t make it fluffy. And then use intentional questions in your messaging process as well. Do an opener like what’s bringing you joy lately instead of asking like, how was your weekend? Or instead of making a bespoke message for every single person, again, unnecessary emotional labor.

Lily @ Date Brazen (23:57.632)

In terms of pictures, let’s get into my picture rubric. So it’s important to let yourself be seen. The right person is looking for you. So my picture rubric, you get six pictures on most dating apps right now. Here’s what I recommend, one to six. One close up happy smile picture from like middle of your chest up, looking at the camera, direct eye contact is really important to like let yourself be seen in the dating app. Then,

One to two joyful burst pictures, doing something that brings you joy. You don’t have to have direct eye contact with a camera on these. One of those needs to include a full body picture. Your full body picture, I want it to be also joyful, right? Like I don’t love a mirror selfie instead, do a friend photo shoot with your best friend. Tell them, hey, will you come out with me? We’re gonna do things that bring us joy all day. Will you document the whole day? Bring one or two outfits to do a friend photo shoot. Do one.

The next picture, something that brings you joy. Like what do you do? All of these are what brings you joy. Are you kidding? One picture doing something you enjoy, like maybe it’s eating at your favorite restaurant or reading your favorite book or going on a jog or holding a birthday cake because you love cake so much or going to your favorite ice cream shop. Again, you can do this with your friend, photo shoot if you don’t have pictures like this. If you love travel, then I recommend a travel picture to come after that. Unless your travel picture is earlier up, which total, this is a…

you know, choose your own adventure. I’m just saying like, these are the six you wanna choose from. And then one to two professional pictures. Like if I were dating right now, I would include one of me leading a workshop or a conference. So that’s the picture rubric that I recommend that you use. And I would say also, you need to do the Essence-Based Preferences Guide. It’s gonna make making your dating profile so much more easeful. So let’s recap. One dating app, not three, 20 minutes a day.

No notifications, do cozy swiping when you’re feeling alive and awake and pretty good about yourself. Do episode 132 before you swipe, try this meditation. In your profile, be essentially you, be weird, be yourself. Don’t pressure yourself to try to be SNL level witty. Don’t try to pressure yourself. Just talk about what you want, talk about who you are, talk about what you’re looking for. Try to just bring some fuck it energy to your dating profile.

Lily @ Date Brazen (26:17.262)

Before messaging, open with an intentional question like, what’s bringing you joy lately? Or what’s your hottest opinion, hottest take? Or who in your family makes you laugh the hardest? Try to be intentional at every single moment of your dating app journey. Know your swiping tipping point so when you are feeling activated, be aware of your own brain. Use my soft method to be in touch with yourself. And then put the phone down when you’re done, right? Practice the belief, I’m for the few, not for the many. I would recommend not to do

Paid dating app upgrades, think that they are, it sucks that a dating app puts a lot of the preferences behind a paywall, both and. You need to be asking direct questions anyway, which I think will save you money in a paid app upgrade sense, because my clients who do paid app upgrades don’t necessarily find better matches for messages. Instead, be intentional, ask direct questions about what you’re looking for. There you have it. With this method, you are going to find fewer matches that are higher quality for you.

and know that a dating app is just one tool. And sometimes it can take some time to find the right people for you. So it’s just one tool. And to supplement that tool, I really want you to do the in-person dating process found in episode 89 of the Date Brazen podcast. I’m excited to hear your thoughts on this episode. You’ve got this and I’ve got your back. Talk to you next week. Bye.