How do you date men when you hate men?

It can be a tough question, especially if you’ve never seen that what you want and who you want exists.

Both/and in this episode, I’m your feminist dating coach. And especially if you date men, I’m here to show you how to attract the feminist, emotionally intelligent, fights-for-women’s-rights kind of man you desire.

You are for the few, not the many. And this kind of man is rare. But rare things exist. And I’m here to help you find them.

I would tell you what I’m gonna tell you in this episode.

In this episode:

• Why it’s ok to hate men AND date to find your man.
• You can be a feminist and want a relationship.
• A complete dating system that vets for not only what they say, but how they behave
• ACK: acknowledge, compassion, kind reframe
• If you date men, you’re not just looking for any man, you’re looking for your man. This episode is the pep talk you need to double down on your boundaries, your vetting process, and your high standards.

💎 Join my free 3-night challenge, Stop Freezing, Start Flirting (Oct 25-27): https://datebrazen.com/challenge

📖 Get my book, Thank You, More Please: https://datebrazen.com/book

✨ Download my free Essence-Based Preferences Creation Guide: https://datebrazen.com/workbook

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lily (00:00)
How do you date men when you hate men? Today, we are gonna get into answering exactly that question. So call me your feminist dating coach today. We’re gonna get into it. And I really hope that this answer that I believe in my body and my soul helps free you from really stressful either-or thinking.

that says either I have to trust men or I don’t trust men. Either I can date or dating is impossible. Right. This is about integrating in the both end by centering yourself and understanding that you can date men and hate men at the same time. So let’s get into it.

Here is how you date men when you hate men. You allow yourself not to like men and you allow the right men for you to prove themselves to you. Gorgeous friend, you have to have really high standards of connection. That’s why I want you to have your essence-based preferences created. That’s why I want you to have your qualifying, disqualifying questions. That’s why I want you to have a date feedback process that allows you to tune in with your dating intuition, not just what somebody says, but writing down how they make you feel.

All of these things we do inside of main character dating, which is about to open for enrollment, but I digress. And I’ve done podcast episodes on these things, but I want you to have an incredibly high standard for connection and for the men in your life if you’re someone who dates men, especially. And in general, like if you have men in your life, I want you to be able to have a high standard for them, whether romantic or otherwise. You get to want to be with a feminist, emotionally mature.

Fierce advocate for women’s rights kind of man. They exist. And they are in fewer number because of patriarchal socialization and toxic masculinity. So your job in dating, if you want to find a relationship, which I believe your desire is worthy, I believe that your desire is your birthright, in the words of Dr. Juliana Hauser, I believe that your desire is evidence that what you want exists.

So the more you downplay your own desire, say, I don’t want a relationship that bad. I’m a feminist. I don’t, I don’t really want to. You can be a feminist and want a relationship. You can want a relationship and know that it doesn’t mean anything about you, that you don’t have the right one yet. That’s where a lot of people get tripped up. They think that, well, a relationship is either a marker of my value because somebody else found me valuable enough to be in a relationship with, or it doesn’t matter at all. No, like want what you want and

Uncouple this idea that you’re somehow less valuable because it because you haven’t found love yet. Right? This is about centering yourself instead of centering the men and or people who were wrong for you. And it’s okay that you don’t like men.

You’re not just looking for any man, you’re looking for your man. He is special. The person that I was gonna end up with was going to be special, whether the no matter their gender, right? Like and if I was going to be with a man, which I am, my standard was going to be really, really high because I would rather be single than be in a relationship with a man who did not see me as his equal, who did not respect the hell out of me and all women. Okay.

And this is not just about talking the talk. I I posted this on TikTok and Instagram, this like, how do you date men when you hate men? thing. And I got a comment about like men who purport to be feminist and emotionally mature and are fierce advocates for women’s rights out loud can still treat women like trash. That’s true, but this is why we have a complete dating system that vets for not only what they say, but how they behave. This is why I think trust is built with somebody to know whether or not they’re worthy of your hard time.

date by date, why you need to come in discerning, being the decider instead of feeling like I hope they pick me.

So again, you’re not looking for any man, you’re looking for your man. This is a really important distinction. It’s okay to be angry at men. And you know who’ll understand that feeling and join you in that feeling? The right man for you. Okay. So if you’re a feminist dating and you date men, you’re and you’re looking for the right man, I wanna offer you a few reframes that I offer my clients. Okay. So here’s some reframes. I want you to write them down.

I want you to practice them out loud and often, right? When you catch yourself in the thought, the kind of man that I want doesn’t exist, I want you to ACK, acknowledge compassion kind reframe, to start to recenter yourself and to decenter the men who are wrong for you. Acknowledge the hard thought. Ooh, I’m having that hard thought again that the kind of man that I want to be with doesn’t exist. Compassion. Of course I’m having that thought. That thought makes complete sense given my past experience with trauma or rejection.

That makes sense. And act of kindness with self-compassion. I’m proud of you for looking at this. I’m proud of you for questioning this belief so you can re-center your own desire and and and and actually go after what you want instead of centering the people who are wrong for you and whether or not you believe what you want is possible. And then kind reframe, you offer yourself one of these thoughts that I’m going to share right now.

It might be possible that my work is about decentering men in my dating life, even if I date men. And when I focus on my well-being and focus on vetting people effectively, I find the few people who are right for me. I let them prove themselves to me. It’s true that a lot of men do suck. And I’m not just looking for anyone. I’m looking for my person.

And they have done their work. I just haven’t met them yet. The right people, the right men, the right man will make himself apparent. I have met 1% of the people that I’m gonna meet and could fall madly in love with who are my kind of people. My job is to date like I am for the few, not for the many. So let’s fucking go. And you don’t need my permission, but I did want to give you full permission to tune in with your self-trust right now.

And to give yourself permission to either like not date right now, if you don’t want to. you also can can and need to give yourself permission to center your own desire to actually admit it to yourself. I want to find the right relationship. I’ve never been in a relationship, or I haven’t ever been in the right one. Like you have permission to admit your own desire to yourself, and you have permission to de-center men in this dating process so that you are fiercely vetting people and understanding what you want.

And going after it clearly and blessing and releasing the wrong people even more quickly without mind drama. What you want is possible. If you feel angry at men, if you don’t like men, allow those feelings. They’re valid human emotions based in hard experiences Understandable, right? Allow your anger. Allow your feelings. And allow yourself to want what you want.

That’s what I meant in the beginning of this episode by saying it’s all a both and. I’m gonna repeat that. What you want is possible. And allow your anger and allow yourself to want what you want and go after it with an empowered plan. Vetting along the way, blessing and releasing along the way, and dating a few people who are worthy of you and your time. So if you like this episode, then you are going to love my feminist.

Flirting challenge coming up at the end of October. You can go to datebraison.com slash challenge to learn more. Why I created this challenge is because I saw that a lot of people who felt like late bloomers felt like flirting was impossible, It felt like dating apps are nothing.

I want to give you a roadmap to joyfully dating in person, which starts with the building the skill set of feminist flirting. So you can send do what I’m talking about on this episode, like center yourself, shoot your shot without so much self-judgment, and attract the right people for you with a really solid dating strategy that centers your desires. so come to the challenge. It’s gonna be so fun. I’m gonna give you special like

Action steps after each night, and you’re gonna be in a coven of cheerleaders learning how to do feminist flirting right by your side. This is especially for you if you’ve never flirted before, if you’ve never been in a relationship before, if you don’t even know where to start. I’m going to teach you how to do IRL dating with the skill set of feminist flirting so you can decrease your dependence on dating apps, build your confidence in what you want, and attract the right partner as soon as freaking possible, whether you date men, women,

or human beings this challenge is built for you. And I cannot wait to be your coach in that room and coach your face off soon. Datebrazen.com slash challenge or go to the link in the description of this episode to learn more. And I will talk to you next week. Bye.