You don’t have to be on dating apps to be “trying” in your dating life. This episode gives you the alternative strategy that has worked for hundreds of my clients (and worked for me to meet my husband). In this episode, you’ll learn exactly how to date IRL.

Inside episode 284:

→ Why “I don’t chase, I attract” is one of my least favorite pieces of dating advice, and how it is negatively impacting your IRL dating life

→ My rule for feminist dating that I’ve seen work for hundreds of people who felt too behind, too late, too much, not enough

→ What to say when people tell you they don’t know anybody single

→ Why awkwardness is the price of admission for connection

💎 Register for my free live 3-day coaching challenge, Stop Freezing, Start Flirting (Oct 25-27): https://datebrazen.com/challenge

💎 Listen to my Vox Explain It to Me interview: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/explain-it-to-me/id1042433083?i=1000789331580

Work with Lily

💎 Get the book, Thank You, More Please: https://datebrazen.com/book

💎 Download my free Essence-Based Preferences Creation Guide: https://datebrazen.com/workbook

💎 Follow me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/datebrazen

💎 Follow me on TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@datebrazen

💎 Follow me on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@DateBrazen

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lily (00:00)
Hey, gorgeous friend, welcome to another episode of the Feminist Dating Show. I’m Lily, your host, and I am so pumped because today I’m gonna give you a roadmap to quit dating apps and to attract the right relationship. So let’s get into it.

This episode is brought to you by my upcoming live three-day coaching challenge called Stop Freezing, Start Flirting.

Inside, late bloomers who have felt behind in their dating lives will learn how to confidently flirt and attract a date IRL. So inside, you’re gonna learn three things. You’re gonna learn the feminist flirting roadmap, how to flirt and how to do it in your voice without changing who you are, plus exactly what to say, scripts about what to say when you are flirting, to how to talk to someone cute without freezing. You’re gonna learn my simple step-by-step plan to move through the freeze.

And the fear confidently with our rejection resilience plan and the 10 seconds of courage tool, getting you out of fear and overthinking and into action and connection with the right people for you. And then finally, on day three, you’re gonna learn my party action plan. So this is where you’re gonna put the plan into action. You’re going to make a list of places where you’re gonna go to flirt and find a date IRL.

Starting with the parties that your friends will be inviting you to in the next few months over the course of the holiday season. So we’re gonna create a concrete plan for you to stop freezing, start flirting, and attracting the right dates, IRL. and then doors open to main character dating with some super special gifts and bonuses only for people who are registered for this live free coaching challenge for three days with me. So

Go to datebrazen.com/slash challenge to get yourself registered. You are going to want to be in this room to learn how to stop freezing and start flirting immediately to make dating apps optional and to step into your power and into your magnetism in your dating life this fall and winter, because it is the best time to date IRL.

Because of the community connections that are possible, because of the ways that you’re gonna learn in this challenge how to ask for more support with your IRL dating life, and because of the skills that you’re gonna learn of flirting, even if you never have before, even if you’re shy, even if you’re an introvert, even if you fill in the blank reason why you think this isn’t for you, come learn how to stop freezing and start flirting with me. And I cannot wait to see you there. With that, let’s get into this episode.

So I get this question all the time on Instagram and TikTok about like how do I get off dating apps? They are so freaking exhausting. And I actually was just interviewed by Vox Bragg for the Explain It to Me podcast with JQ Hill.

And it was a really great episode. We’ll link it in the description. in it I was interviewed about how people can actually do IRL dating in the age of disconnection and social media and I’m gonna get into some things that I didn’t mention on that podcast and tell you how to make dating apps optional officially so that you can

reduce your dependence on them, relieve yourself of that stress and anxiety of that like false belief that I have to be on dating apps to be trying. You don’t have to be on dating apps to be trying. Both and if you want to get something new, you have to be willing to do something new, which is where this flirting plan, this IRL dating plan comes in.

Get your notes app ready to take notes. This is the part of like doing something new. Okay. Because again, to get something new, you have to do something new. How many of you have tried to go to a speed dating event and felt frozen from flirting at that speed dating event? Or have tried to go to a bar and see a cutie and don’t approach them, or they you approach them and

Like you don’t know what to say. and then it feels really awkward, and it feels like more confirmation that dating apps are the only way to meet somebody, or you’ve approached somebody in the end of being married, and you feel like so embarrassed, and you feel like everybody’s looking at you, and and everybody knows that you just shot your shot to somebody that’s married, right? And so it just goes on the heaping pile of evidence that dating apps are the only option, that you know, you’re you’re not qualified to find somebody in person, that it doesn’t happen anymore. That’s false.

I have clients meeting people in person all the time. I’m gonna give you a couple examples. One of my clients ended up going through main character dating, building the IRL dating plan, building the fearless flirting plan, where, you know, in the program we teach you to flirt like a feminist. I’m gonna teach you a lot of this in the live coaching challenge that I have coming up. But she ended up joining a club, engaging one of the IRL dating plan,

pieces, which is like go do joy building. I’ll get into the three pieces in a moment. But she went and did joy building. She met a cutie at a bird watching club. She saw him for the next three weeks consecutively. They were flirtatious. She asked him out. They went on a date and it was an incredible date, right? Like she created an opportunity by putting herself in the way of opportunity and shooting her shot. This is why I say finding love is about two things. It’s about proximity to opportunity.

And courageous behavior in the face of that opportunity. Because if she had just gone to the bird watching club, yeah, he could have asked her out, maybe, right? But she was in the way of opportunity. She was in proximity and she decided to take action to just be in the flow of opportunity instead of waiting around for someone else to decide. Right. and then that date was co-created. It wasn’t like she did all of the work to create the date. It’s just she made the first move and then he made the second move, and then she made the third one. It’s co-creation.

This is why I think that like I don’t chase, I attract is a faulty piece of advice that needlessly stresses people out, specifically feminists who are dating because they feel confused. I don’t want to chase, I want to attract, I don’t want to do all the work. I get the function of that advice is to relieve you of all of the unnecessary emotional and tactical labor that you have been doing to plan dates, go on dates.

follow up with the date. It’s i in an effort to weed out unintentional or immature people who are not interested in dating. But here’s the deal: it is a lot of pressure to figure out like, am I chasing? Is this chasing? Is this move chasing? I think they’re cute. I shouldn’t say anything because, right? Then the thought becomes if I say that I like them, if I say I have a crush on them.

If I say they’re cute, if I make a move, they’ll think I’m chasing and I won’t attract a person who is as interested in me and I’ll have to do all of this work. It’s a lot of pressure on just like saying what you want. And it’s it’s vilifying you from really saying what you want and allowing the other person, right? Like negating that other person of the opportunity to respond to what you want when you follow the I don’t chase, I attract sort of piece of advice, which I think is needlessly pressure-packed.

But I digress. Another client ended up on a sidewalk, I think it was a crosswalk actually. Saw Cutie, went up to him, and said, Hey, I think you’re really cute. do you want my number? Or can I get your number? I don’t remember which it was. But they ended up getting into a relationship from her shooting her shot. This is why I say, and this is a real big switch for y’all who are in the chase don’t attract community. Okay.

but here’s my rule for feminist dating that I’ve seen work for hundreds of people who felt too behind, too late, too much, not enough, right? Shoot your shot 100% of the time. That’s what this IRL dating plan is predicated upon: is being in the flow of opportunity by shooting your shot 100% of the time. And then expect co-creation. It’s not about doing all of the muscling and all of the work.

It’s about being in the flow of opportunity, saying what you want out loud and allowing that other person to show you who they are by like how they respond, right? So the three steps to IRL dating, to decrease your dependence on dating apps. And honestly, you can get them out of your life when you do this plan, rinse, repeat. Three steps. Number one, joy building. I’ve mentioned a few of these already. Get outside your house and do things that bring you joy. I’m talking this fall, this is September.

28th, 2026. Get outside. Make a plan. I have a, I get it. You’re busy. I get it. You have a high pressure job. I get it. You’re, you’re living your best life in a lot of ways by doing crafts in your warm, cozy house. Me too. Okay. I have a sticky note in front of me that says cider donuts. I this fall have an intention to get outside my house and go find some fresh cider donuts, preferably in upstate New York.

Okay. This is my plan. I need to get out of my house and do things that bring me joy. And if I were you and I was wanting to decrease my dependence on dating apps when I was going to that cider donut festival or whatever I’m gonna get up to this fall, if I were you, I would have the goal of approaching three people. They could be cuties or just people that you’re not even attracted to, but get in the flow of making new connections, saying hello to people.

Starting conversations. If you’re shy or introverted, I want you to stretch your connection muscles by trying to say, hi, how you doing, to like three people. Giving an authentic compliment can be a great way to kickstart this because it’s magnetic energy. Okay. People want, people love to receive compliments. You could make someone’s day and then inevitably they feel like they want to repay the favor in some way. And it’s not about doing it for something back, but it is.

A generative activity that creates reciprocity sometimes as a bonus result. So give compliments, like set the goal of joy building. That’s the proximity piece. Go to the club, go to the class, go to the event, proximity, plus courageous behavior. You must, if you want to decrease your dependence on dating apps, say hello and connect with at least three people when you’re at that thing. Now you can.

Mix and match these rules, right? Make it work for you. If you’re really low on energy and you just want to receive the cider event, right? Receive the cider donuts, right? Don’t push yourself beyond your capacity, both. And you need to be aware that this is stretching work, stretching your comfort zone. And what is stretching? It is embracing healthy discomfort for the betterment of your life. Okay. So joy building.

Proximity means going to the thing outside your house. And then courageous behavior means saying hello, giving three authentic compliments, connecting with people. Now I hear you saying, Lily, but there’s nobody that I’m gonna be interested in at my quilting event. Okay, especially if you are a woman who dates men specifically. For queer folks, go forth to events with other queer folks and shoot your shot, please.

I have a client who just volunteered at this incredible queer-led space and that was so community-driven and beautiful and ended up like finding somebody amazing at that event. But if you are a woman who dates a man and you know that your craft leaning hobbies don’t generally attract men to

The craft leaning hobby, fine. I don’t care. This is about step two, co-conspiratorship. This is allowing people to help you. This is teaching people how to help you more effectively. Okay, what do I mean by this? this is telling people that you’re single and tell them that you’re open to a setup.

And bonus points if you know your essence-based preferences, which you can create your own by going to datebraison.com/slash workbook for free. This is how you want to feel in the right relationship, what values and personality traits this person ideally has. so I, you know, bonus points if you share, like, hey, I’m looking for somebody who is really joyfully nerdy, and here’s what that means to me. And I’m looking for someone who is also like really generous and curious, and this is what this means to me. bonus points again, if you say, and

If you see them and they’re single, can you ask them the question, what’s bringing them joy lately as sort of a qualifier-disqualifier? Or are they looking for a relationship, right? As one of your qualifier-disqualifier questions. But those are bonuses. All you need to do for the meat and potatoes of this strategy is tell people you’re single and ask for a setup. If you want to decrease your date dependence on dating apps, you must do this step. You want to get off dating apps? Great. Let’s learn the lost art of IRL dating. That’s what this is.

Now, I also hear you in my ear, Lily, it’s gonna sound desperate. Lily, no, it doesn’t have to. Now there is a version of that that sounds desperate, sure, but when it’s coming from the thought, I’m desperate for asking this. Then you feel the feeling of anxiety, then you take actions like asking in a desperate tone. If you practiced the reframe, I deserve to connect with people. This gets to be fun. People enjoy setting people up.

I might be exactly who someone in their life is looking for, and vice versa. Right? And then you might have the thought, well, I’m not somebody who people set up, I’m not cute enough, or in the right body enough, or I I fill in the blank, whatever not enough story you have. I want you to be really kind to that version of yourself who is just fearful of rejection, like all of us are, and and understanding that like dating can be.

more complicated because of our racist, homophobic, transphobic, fat phobic, ageist society.

So I’m not here to like say that dating is the same for everyone, or that everyone is right for you, or that everyone’s gonna have all an idea of who is right for you all the time. I’m just saying, let’s practice the thought I am uniquely qualified for the love of my life, which you are. And the right person is gonna feel so lucky that they met me, which they will, and I am expanding my social circle and encouraging,

The flow of opportunity. I am in the flow of opportunity by asking for support from the people that I meet day to day, which you are going to be in the flow of support and the flow of getting what you want by asking for it. Okay. So co conspirators. Now, the other thing that I hear you in my ear saying is like, but Lily, they’re gonna say they don’t know anybody single, which you will have a response to. This is about having a plan. This isn’t about like winging it. On a dating app, you need a plan if you wanna be on a dating app.

If you want decrease your dependence on dating apps, you also need a plan. The plan, when you hear somebody say, I just don’t know anybody single. I don’t know how people are dating these days. And I’m so glad that I’m not dating in this day and age of dating apps. You can say, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don’t know any single people either that I’m interested in. And I know that they exist. So are you game to do some creative problem solving with me? Like if you know anybody at work, if you go to a work conference.

I had two clients who lived in separate states become each other’s co-conspirators. One visited the city and state of the other, and met a guy in the airport who was cute. And she struck up a conversation. asked this guy the qualifying, disqualifying questions, asked him if he was single, at like really cued it up, right? And then pitched the date to her co-conspirator, set them up, they started dating.

Okay. So even long distance, this can be something that can work for you. if you have a long distance co-conspirator, they can also you know, be a debrief, date debrief buddy when they visit, they can be your wing person at an event, right? There are so many creative solutions. And that’s what I’m talking about. It’s like getting off dating apps means embracing creative solutions and embracing the belief that you don’t know everything and you don’t know everyone yet. Okay. And this is all

Expanding your social circle so that you can meet the right people for you. Here’s how I met Chris. I went to an improv class for my joy building. I met a new friend who is still one of my closest friends to this day. She introduced me to all of her friends when I moved to New York. We were in San Francisco. And then those friends introduced me to Chris at a party. Boom. It happens. I was expanding my social circle. I was open to new friendships. I was open to new connections. And I was open to telling people that I was single and looking. Okay.

So now let’s get into the third and final step of my IRL dating plan: flirting. messy eye contact, saying hello to people, giving, giving compliments. Flirting is essentially joyful, courageous connection. It is not rocket science. It is not something that you need to be perfect at. In fact, awkwardness is the price of admission for connection, folks. So flirting.

Is essentially practicing the act of awkward, courageous connection Because why? You can’t say the wrong thing to the right person. And the right person is what? Also looking for the right person for them. Okay? So, flirting 101, I’ve talked about it on the podcast before. I am diving deep into this lesson in my challenge. Stop freezing, start flirting,

You need to get your butt registered so you don’t forget right now because it’s very easy to deprioritize your dating life. It’s very easy to forget. It’s very easy to say, this isn’t gonna work for me, so why even try? I dare you to come to this live-free challenge. It’s three days. I’m gonna coach your face off live. You’re gonna get action steps each day to start flirting, so that it can become like

A part of your rich life that you know how to flirt, you know how to connect. And this is a central piece of being able to get off dating apps, to being able to make them less of a need in your dating life, because you’ll be flirting more because of this live-free challenge. So flirting, again, essentially awkward, joyful, courageous connection. It is seeing someone going up to them, opening a conversation. Again, we’re going back to the rule: shoot your shot 100% of the time. The wrong people will not want to talk.

The wrong people will express that they are coupled or that they they’ll their body language will turn away from you. You need to bless and release them. And that’s why on one of the days of the challenge, we’re also building a rejection resilience plan so that you bounce back faster after rejection, whether actual or perceived rejection, we’re gonna help you bounce back from it faster so that you can be in the way of opportunity and stop using the people who are wrong for you as evidence that what you want doesn’t exist.

What you want does exist. You’ve only met 1% of the people that you’re going to meet in this lifetime. And therefore, it stands to reason that you can get what you want when you build this proximity and courageous behavior in the face of that proximity. So flirting again, going up to somebody, starting a conversation with a compliment, a hello. If they want to flirt with you, they will have their body language point towards you. They will pick up the ball of the conversation with you. They will

Co-create a conversation. Yeah, I I I do love this book. You know, I I’ve read it a couple of times. And your job will be to come up with follow-up questions and chat with them and to be in your body. This is an important part of flirting. Embodied feminist flirting is being in your body and knowing that you are safe to connect with new people and that you are worthy of connecting with people you’re attracted to. So deep breath, unclench butthole. This is a practice. And then

You know, as you’re building the skill of flirting, you might run away the first couple of times, you might bail. Who cares? You’re building the skill set of flirting. And in the live rechallenge, I’m also gonna teach you the flirting ladder, which is like step by step how to build up your distress tolerance in flirting so that you can have longer and longer conversations with cuties without freezing, but you gotta go one step at a time. So let’s say you’ve practiced, you’ve gone up the flirting ladder, one step at a time, you’ve

Made eye contact, you’ve run away. Step one completed. You have you know, said hello, run away. Step two completed. You have said hello, stuck around for one minute, step three completed, right? On and on. Let’s say you’ve gotten to the point where you feel comfortable, and it’s not comfortable, it’s stretching, but it’s embracing that healthy discomfort to grow. You’re more available to having a longer conversation, about five minutes in, if you’re romantically interested, then you are going to ask, so random question, are you single?

That signifies to the person that you’re talking more than just friendly talking. Okay. And they’ll say either, no, I’m not single and you’ll feel embarrassed and you’ll run away. And then you’ll use a rejection resilience plan that I’m gonna teach you in the live free challenge. or you’ll feel okay and you’ll, you know, walk away, say thanks for chatting. Or they’ll say, No, I’m not single, but I’m not interested. That will sting really bad. Again, you’ll employ the rejection resilience plan.

Going back to, doesn’t it feel better to have a plan instead of just winging it and letting these fears just run rampant in your brain? Or, best case scenario, they say, Yeah, I’m single, are you single? And then you’re like, my God, yeah, I’m single and I’m looking, and I would like to yeah, you want to exchange numbers, and you’d exchange numbers, then you could text and make make a date happen. This is the practice of flirting, being in your body, taking deep breaths, releasing your clinched butthole,

Really creating safety in your body to be able to flirt. It is a skill, it is buildable, and that is why I am here to help you build this skill. All of this, this three-step plan, rinse, repeat with proximity plus courageous behavior in the face of it, means that you decrease your reliance on dating apps. You become somebody who is fearless, even if you have a ton of fear, even if you’re nervous, even if you’ve never been in a relationship, even if you’re, you know, fill in the blank reason that you think that you can’t do this.

and you you can learn this. Yeah. You can learn this, you can do this. I do want to say, like, this does not mean that you can’t listen to your safety cues in your body when you aren’t in a in a

good space to flirt, especially if you have one or multiple marginalized identities, right? I don’t want you to downplay your intuitive, like this is not the right time to be flirting. And I want to help you identify what is that healthy fear that is keeping you safe versus the fear that is keeping you stuck. Cause I do think there is a distinction to be made and an opportunity for you to learn how to shoot your shot fearlessly, even if you think you can’t right now.

to expand your social circle, meet the right people, and ultimately find the right relationship. So that is the three-step IRL dating plan. And to get something new, you need to do something new. So I dare you to do one of these three things this week and let me know how it goes on Instagram at date brazen. DM me if you listen to this episode. bonus points if you share it in your stories because you like it so much. That means so much to me.

And go over to datebrazen.com/slash challenge to sign up for my live free challenge, which is happening at the end of October. But again, you need to just like sign up now so you don’t forget. Do it right freaking now. So it’s in your calendar. And when you sign up, you’ll get a little form to fill out that you can ask me anything on. And I might just make a podcast episode about your question. It’ll be anonymous, or I might even respond to it in the live challenge as well.

so go to datebreakson.com slash challenge to get yourself registered. And I can’t wait to coach your face off soon. Talk to you next week.