If you feel like a late bloomer, and you’re fearful that will come off like a “red flag” when you start dating, this is for you.

This is a live coaching session with Dana, a healthcare worker who’s never been in a long-term relationship and is wondering if it’s too late for her. In one hour, Lily helps her build a full dating system from scratch.

Inside this episode:

💎 Why you’re for the few, not for the many, and how that one reframe changes how you see every dating app profile

💎 How to build essence-based preferences live, so you know exactly what you want before you swipe

💎 The vetting questions that surface emotional maturity, shared values, and real adventure before you ever meet in person

💎 A dating profile makeover that starts with what you love, not an apology

💎 Why “I’m a late bloomer” isn’t a “red flag” 

Dana left this session with her preferences on paper, a vetting system, a rebuilt profile, and a completely different relationship to her own love life. You will too.


Work with Lily

Main Character Dating: datebrazen.com/dating

Free Essence-Based Preferences workbook: datebrazen.com/workbook

📚 Read my book: Thank You, More Please
A feminist guide to breaking dumb dating rules and finding love. Order HERE

Follow Lily everywhere:
📺 YouTube Channel
📸 Instagram
📲 Tiktok
🌐 Website

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Show transcript:

Lily @ Date Brazen (00:00)
Hey gorgeous friends, welcome to another episode of the Late Bloomer Show. I’m so glad that you’re here. Today I’m coaching Dana, who is a badass who also identifies as a late bloomer. And ⁓ this episode is one that you’re not gonna wanna miss, okay? So Dana in her application said the biggest challenge is constantly making excuses and not prioritizing dating. And this is a vicious trend, time and time again. She also said, When I sacrifice my joy.

Front time with friends, hiking, biking, doing yoga for a blah date. I just get annoyed, discouraged, and then go months and without dating. Dana has never been in a relationship before that is long term. And she is wondering if it’s ever gonna be possible for her, if it’s over for her. And if she was gonna date, how would she do it considering all of the men who are really wrong for her? Inside this episode, I not only help her blast past those mindset blocks.

We co-create her essence-based preferences. We get them on paper. It is a really concrete coaching session. I then help her come up with a vetting system to help her vet dates to know whether or not they’re in alignment with her preferences. And then we make over her dating profile intentionally and with all of the self-knowledge. And we make over her dating profile together with so much joy and alignment and power. So this is an episode that you’re not gonna want to miss with Dana.

And she left feeling completely different after this episode, after this just hour together. And I know you will too. Hey, I’m Lily Womble, former top matchmaker, turned feminist dating coach, and founder of Date Frazen. I was a late bloomer. I know how isolating that can feel. And with the tools I now teach, I built a joyful, epic love life. Since then, I’ve coached over 400 late bloomers to own what they want and attract it with confidence. And now it’s your turn.

In a world that’s told you you’re too late, too much, or not enough, this show will help you settle-proof your love life, celebrate who you are, and help you attract more than you thought possible. Because it’s not too late, and this is just the beginning. This is the Late Bloomers Show.

Hey Dana, welcome to the podcast. Hi, Lily. Thanks for having me today. I’m asking everybody that I’m coaching before we get into it, what’s a brag? Any sort of celebration? And what’s your intention for this session? What do you want out of this? A brag. A brag is that I I made it here and you see my background in my healthcare setting career. I’m passionate about my job.

But I am ready to deep dive into the into the dating industry of everything you know as a late bloomer and all the things from your podcast, you know, perfectionist career goal setting. Yeah. But dating has been a back burner my entire life. Yeah. And so what’s your desire for this session? Like if you could ask for magic wand, really concrete outcome, what do you want?

Well, ⁓ I would say long term concrete outcome would be a a partner, a life partner. Short term goal would be really to get back into the gate the dating game because I am there’s a wall right now. I have I’m just resistant to get back into it and I wanna enjoy it, I wanna look forward to it, I want to do it so it’s not something that I feel like is

dreadful right now in my life. Yeah. Okay. Not dreadful. Okay, great. That’s a great, great minimum goal. Yeah. So I want to read from your application a bit, you know, with with your permission, obviously. You said the biggest challenge is constantly making excuses and not prioritizing dating. And this is a vicious trend time and time again. You have a mentally demanding job in healthcare. And the last thing

you want to do after work is shoot the shit with a random tech bro. Tell me about this vicious cycle that you have found yourself in. How long has it been going on? I would say most of my career, which has been my medical career has been about 10 years, so a decade. I went full on. I moved from the East Coast to California. So that was a big transition.

To start a career. So it was like the big move, starting my career, really demanding first job at Planned Parenthood, which I didn’t realize this, but my friend thinks I have a lot of trauma from that. Seeing a lot of shit working as a PA at Planned Parenthood. And so that made me like I was always a feminist, but that made me more of a feminist. Like, you know, boys suck. Like I’m gonna be single.

Whole life, but really I didn’t want that. ⁓ and then after that job, I did ⁓ I moved still in California for a fellowship, so I just focused on that, and then I moved to Oakland, which I’m now living in Oakland to start a new job there, and was only here for a year before COVID hit.

So I I just always think there was like a lot of transitional changes and ⁓ you know, I d I dabbled with dating, would go on a few dates, but nothing really stuck. And then I I do prioritize fun, ⁓ on the weekends, but I call myself a weekday grandma and a weekend warrior. So the weekdays I’m just always tired after work and then the weekends I’m just like going nonstop and so it’s

Finding the space to date between that. Okay, got it. Like living for the weekend kind of vibes. Yes. Okay. Normal, normal, normal, especially as a healthcare professional, ⁓ and a PA. Okay. So I just want to touch down on something that you said about feminism and working in Planned Parenthood and just realizing di how how much deeper that feminist value system goes for you. And you know, you said

I’m a feminist boy suck, and you know, I but I really wanted a relationship. And I think there’s a really common mindset that a lot of folks get into, which is that the very understandable anger toward a lot of men who do suck. They exist. And the sort of like hegemonic, like power over dynamic that our patriarchal culture.

continues to espouse and like like continues to socialize this within which is like ⁓ male dominance and like then that trickles down into all sorts of behavior that sucks. We can I want you to hate like that sucks. We need to imagine and build a different world. And I think that that, you know, easier said than done, but like one step at a time as a collective both and feminism to me does not mean hating men.

Or not wanting or and does is not mutually exclusive with wanting a relationship. Wanting a I’m just saying this for you and everybody listening. Wanting a relationship does not make you a trad wife. Yeah. We are human beings who exist in community with one another. We crave more community. We crave more belonging. Why wouldn’t you want a romantic partnership? Sounds fun. Yeah. Yeah. How does this land for you?

It sounds fun when you meet that right person. And when I like observe relationships, whether it’s friends or patients, I’m like I would say more times than not, I’m like, I don’t want that, but there are some relationships where I’m like, Yes, they are it. They’re doing their thing, they’re vibing. This is a great couple. And I I loved I would love that. Like that’s my goal is to

Find that relationship that is healthy and fun and just beautiful. Yeah. Have you been in a relationship before? No. Tell me about that. How do you relate to that? Yeah, it’s I think it’s definitely an insecurity for sure. Feeling, you know, the whole late bloomer that I don’t know what I’m doing and that, you know, in my like advanced maternal age, where

I do want a family and yeah, feeling like, you know, will I know what I’m doing when the time comes? Will I feel will I dismiss it? Will I just feeling, you know, behind. I think Yeah. And I’m hearing kind of the fear that you’re cursed a little bit. Like you won’t even if it comes, you won’t know what to do with it, or you’re gonna miss your chance. Does that make does that resonate? Mm-hmm. Tell me about that. Like what comes up when I say that?

You know, there’s fear there for sure. When that conversation comes up, and I think you just actually had a podcast about this, is like when I have that conversation, when was your last relationship? I kind of like freeze. And it’s kind of like why are they gonna second guess that? Are they gonna look at that as a red flag? For me, if if someone were to tell me that, I wouldn’t necessarily think it’s a red flag. I would just

be more inquisitive to want to learn more? Like, did you prioritize your career like I did? Did you, you know, have family issues or whatever it is? But I just think, like looking from the male perspective, that they might look at that negatively. Yeah. It sounds like this the the character of men in your mind is sort of like they’re they’re not a great group to

On the whole, it sounds like you your brain has sort of decided that it’s unsafe to to tr or un unwise to trust that some might be kind or understanding like you are kind or understanding. Does that feel like kind of impossible in your current mindset? Not impossible, but hard. Why is that what w tell me about that? I think it’s changing. I think my generation, the men are changing and are becoming more like

emotionally intelligent, but not all of them are. Correct. Not all of them are. And so it’s it’s like when a a male is vulnerable on a first date, I find that attractive. When they say like I’m struggling with this or I I spoke with my therapist about this. It’s like that’s a green flag. You are absolutely absolutely so are you vetting for that before you meet somebody?

No, I don’t I don’t know. I mean, I don’t know if anyone in their profile would be like, hey, I’m in therapy. Okay. So here’s what I’m here’s what I’m listening for, Dana. Cause I I just wanna give you really concrete next steps today so that you can get back into dating and start pursuing your desire wholeheartedly. Yeah.

Because it sounds like this has been on your mind for a really long time. And that you’ve, as you’ve expressed, felt like you’ve been a vicious circle, vicious cycle. And I want to pop you out of there. Like this is what you want is possible. It is not too late. And it will require you to do something different. So are you willing to do something different? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Great. Great. When you here’s what I’m listening for. I’m listening for friction in your love life, in what you want and your

difficulty believing that it’s possible. I’m listening for friction. Whenever I hear friction, for example, I what I’m hearing you say is that you want to find somebody who’s emotionally mature, who is a man you’re dating men, it sounds like, ⁓ and that you want to date men who’ve done emotional work. Maybe they’ve gone to therapy, or maybe they are reading, you know, great self-help books, or they’re ⁓ getting coaching or they’re listening to a podcast about male friendship and and building them, right? Like that’s the kind of man in one like

In one of your essence-based preferences, you want to feel inspired by and seen by this person who is doing their emotional work, like I imagine you have done and are doing your emotional work. Yes? Mm-hmm. What I listen for is like friction for you, is that you don’t believe that you believe that they are very they’re very few, maybe really rare, that you’re not gonna meet them. Yes or no? Yes. And that even if you

Are dating, you can’t vet for that early because it’s too it’s too intense a question to ask, or they’re not gonna put it in their profile. So do you see how that’s like a double bind you’re putting yourself in? You want something, it’s a struggle to believe it, but then you’re not vetting for it before you’re meeting somebody because you don’t think you can. So of course you would be in a vicious cycle of going on mediocre dates. So vetting for that, yes, micro, macro. I want to hear.

everything that you find friction forward in your dating life and there’s a fix for it. If the friction is, you know, you said in your application, when I sacrifice these joys, which is weekend time, friend time, hiking, biking, doing yoga, when I sacrifice these joys for a blah date, I just get annoyed and discouraged and then go months without dating. So let’s increase the quality of the dates you’re going on by shoring up your preferences and your vetting process. Do you see how we’re looking for the friction?

And coming up with a solution, which is rooted in self-permission rather than, well, this is just impossible and you have to the needle in the haystack thing of like, I gotta go on all these bad dates to find a good one. I have to kiss all these frogs. No, no, no, no, no. You don’t have time for that. Yes. What are you thinking? Give me like I I I thrive on on your thoughts and feedback. So tell me. I I love that idea, vetting them and

I like I sort of want to cut through the bullshit with like the quick back and forth when we met, but I also but and I feel like a lot of men are not honest in their profiles. And that is a struggle for me too. I feel like they’re when I meet them in real life, it’s they’re not who they portray themselves to be. Tell me in what regard?

Is generally coming up as it height, is it age, is it something else? Well, one thing like I’m very passionate about I’m I call myself an adventure athlete, so I love to travel and I love to be an athlete. And so like people pretend they’re outdoorsy in the Bay Area, but they’re really just working at their startup, you know, 12 hours a day, and they are not that’s not their priority.

And so like I actually I think it was your podcast that mentioned to ask them what brings you joy. Yeah. Pretty early on. And so even just like a few quick messages, I’ve I’ve started asking that. I think that’s a great vetting question. And then they don’t have a response. And so I’m just like, okay, next. Yeah. Well that’s a good I don’t know. I don’t know. I’ve been working so much.

Or, you know, life’s been stressful. Yeah, no shit. It’s it has. Yeah. Well th they they are automatically disqualified. Coming from my perspective, I know it’s easy to say from somebody who’s not in your shoes, and I’m gonna say it anyway.

Your job is to become unbothered by the wrong people for you. And what I think might be happening now is that you are perceiving a lot of people who are wrong for you, especially on dating apps. And then with your perception of how many people are wrong for you, it becomes a an assumption that you’re making that this is all this, there’s nobody for me. It hasn’t happened now. Why would it happen?

I don’t like any of these people. Why would I continue? When I’m coming from the perspective of like a dating app is just a silly little tool that has the potential to connect you with somebody cool. But you’re for the few, not for the many. So most people are going to be absolutely wrong for you. Most people are not that I think of like everything is a spectrum. So outdoor adventure is a spectrum. You might be a nine out of ten. Yeah. On outdoor adventure. Tech Bro.

Who works 12 hours at his desk might be a one out of 10. You probably need a six plus, seven plus out of ten. So it’s a spectrum, and people don’t know, like this is why I love essence-based preferences and helping you like def create your own bespoke definition, because they might really believe that they’re outdoor adventurous.

But their definition would be very different than yours. So you’re looking for somebody who’s an aligned definition like you, like a six, seven plus, which is why we need to vet for that. And those people are going to you’re for the few, not for the many. How is this striking you? No, I yeah, that makes perfect sense. Yeah. So let’s get to your let’s let’s talk about your preferences. Like are you game if we like banging out right now? Okay, cool. Do you have essence-based preferences yet?

Have you created those? I thought about it when I read your book, but I, you know, now that I’m on the the hotspot seat, I can’t remember it, but I’m sure I could think of some now. That’s okay. We’ll come up with some together. If anybody listening wants to do this with us, you can go to datebrazen.com slash workbook to get the essence-based preferences creation guide. So for anybody that doesn’t know

Essence-based preferences are like beneath the surface of a checklist. It’s your living, breathing documentation of what you want. So, what would make you come alive across the table? Not just on a logistical level, though we can talk about like, okay, you want this logistical age range. How do you hope that makes you feel? But putting that aside for a second, the values and personality traits that you want, we need to create your own definition of those that is full of how you want to feel in the presence of somebody with that trait or value.

So that you can more adequately know what vetting questions to ask, and so that you can more adequately like find better people for you. So everything builds on itself. Let’s start with the adventurous outdoor piece, because that feels important to you, no? Mm-hmm. Yeah, definitely. What is a root word or phrase that we could use to describe this preference? Is it like outdoor athlete or like adventure? And do you need somebody who is also an athlete? Do you want that?

necessarily I would say I would say adventure traveler. Okay, got it. I want I like traveling to like international traveling. What kind of adventure do they pick when they’re picking a travel adventure? Like what ideally if you asked them what was the last trip you went on and they gave this answer, it would really make you see that you were kind of aligned in this preference. Like a cultural immersion.

Outside of the country doing something physical, whether it’s backpacking or hiking or biking or even like a yoga retreat, maybe. Mm-hmm. Cool. Love it. And then how do you hope to feel in the presence of somebody who is this kind of adventure traveler?

What I hope to feel with them doing this. Yeah. How do you hope this preference makes you feel in their presence, right? When you meet somebody who is similarly like really aligned in this, how do you feel in their presence? Like a best friend, like a best friend adventure buddy. Amazing. So what I’m hearing is like seen safe, inspired. Mm-hmm. Right? This isn’t somebody that you’re like neutral about or like, yeah.

Do some cool things. You’re like actively turned on by their interest in this. Does this resonate? Yeah, totally. Cool. And then I think we should put something in there about like the spectrum of like what’s the minimum acceptable number on the one to ten spectrum of outdoor adventurer or adventure traveler that would be right for you. If one or zero on the spectrum is a no shade.

People, all people differ have different preferences. There’s no judgment toward anybody, but maybe a zero is somebody whose ideal vacation every year is like a trip to a resort and like staying at the resort and sitting by the pool for a week. That’s maybe one or zero. And ten is like Victoria Falls, Kilimanjaro, like you know, going and skydiving, like whatever. Where are you and where do you ideally want somebody else to land?

I would say I’m pretty h I would say like nine for me. Yeah. And I would want them to be at least a six. Cool. What does six look like, maybe? They’re passionate about traveling. They like to have an active lifestyle. Yeah. They might not need to be as extreme as me, which might actually be nice. Like I actually did kill a Manjaro last year by myself.

But ⁓ someone who’s like, hey, like well then I did a beach thing in Zanzibar, but like, hey, let’s let’s do this, but like we don’t have to be so extreme all the time. Yeah, so a little bit of balance. I love that. I love that. Okay, so now we have I’m holding up the sticky note that I took notes on. We have your first EBP, essence-based preference. I want to get to three to five root words. We may not get to them today, but I want you after this call separately.

To complete that workbook and I can send it to you. It’s also in the the, it’s in my book, Thank You More, Please, as well. But I want you to have this love life vocabulary for yourself because I would imagine that you haven’t spent much time on the best case scenario. Mm-mm. And it’s time to your worst case scenario planning has had a lot of exercise. It’s like if you were to work out just your quads, you know, like they’d get really big and other parts of your body might feel weaker. You have not spent enough time.

Thinking about what you want and your best case scenario because of the fear that it doesn’t exist. But here’s the deal, you’re not dead yet. One day you will die. One day you will die. I will die. We will all like die. But you’re not dead yet. So I’m not gonna let you live like you’re dead in terms of like, it’s over. It’s not over. You don’t know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like it. Okay.

Let’s talk about your second essence based preference. I think we should do something around emotional maturity or conf grounded confidence with emotional like some emotional work. Like how do how are we gonna what do you want in terms of the emotional awareness pieces? I don’t I mean the I don’t know if this is sort of a side tangent, but humor is important to me. Yeah. Tell me. I would want someone to to make me laugh.

And it sounds cliche, but I think humor is a a big part of like if someone can make me laugh and through the ⁓ when I think of like long term like partner that I’m gonna die with, a notebook couple, I want someone who can keep me on their toes, keep me on my toes and make me laugh. And yeah, cool. Yeah.

What type of humor do you like? What comedians, podcasts, TV shows? Like what’s your brand? I don’t know. I don’t know. I d I would not say dark, like just silly, goofy, like spontaneous, like quick witted person. Whoa. Like not trying too hard to be funny. Uhhuh. That’s why I loved improv because you know, you have to think on your feet. You have to ⁓ just be spontaneous versus

You know, a stand-up, it’s like it’s pretty rehearsed. Mm-hmm. You know what strikes me about improv and how you bring it up and how I I love improv too, as you know, but it’s connective. Yeah. It’s it’s not a monologue at you, it’s a conversation between you. So it’s like somebody who listens well, who’s asking good questions, who’s like following up with something funny or clever or witty. ⁓ that in just kind of a fun, silly way, you know? Yeah. ⁓

So it’s connective. So I’m writing that down too. Like you feel can this, like, how do you want to feel? Connected, right? Like joyful in their presence, like taken care of. When you’re in an improv scene with somebody that you don’t trust to land the plane or who is not who is not very generous as a player, it can be very stressful. But when you’re with somebody who you trust to like that you know that you’re in this together.

That you’re gonna be okay, like you’re doing something scary together. That’s connective and that’s like you’ve got some ground level trust. What so are there TV shows or like anybody specifically? Do you like Perks and Rec? Do you like the good places? I actually don’t watch TV. Okay, this is good to know about you. So you don’t watch TV. Do you do you watch any media or listen to podcasts? Not much. Not much. I very much, I mean What are you doing for fun? I’m just curious.

⁓ being outside, ⁓ traveling, amazing exercising, you know, do you read? I listen to audiobooks. ⁓ when I usually I’m hiking with an audiobook or spending time with friends. But as someone who is addicted to TV, I’m just like I’m like, ⁓ fun. This is so ⁓ kind of unplugged. ⁓ I’m a fan.

I’m like the person where I like I’m rarely in a hotel room, but I was in a hotel room in Boston in June and I was like, I don’t even know what to watch or what to order and I’m like Googling like, is this a good movie? I’ve never heard of it. Okay. So somebody who yeah, okay, this is so good and interesting. T V and like pop culture of somebody’s like very pop culture y it may not resonate for you. Yeah, not so much. Yeah. Are you on any social media?

I do, yeah. yeah. I do Instagram, Facebook, you know. But like someone who’s on video games all day might not be my vibe. Cool. Okay. this is really good information. This is really good. So the disqualifier for the humor piece would be I would imagine somebody really dark sarcastic. Yeah. would not be your vibe. Okay. Well, sarcastic is funny. I ⁓ like I like the banter. Like I like bantering.

In a fun, in a fun, loving way. Are you looking for somebody who is generally seeking out the fun, seeking out the optimistic viewpoint versus you know, more nihilistic? Yes. Okay, cool. This is all good to know. So, like maybe more optimistic grounded understanding of the world, I would imagine. Yeah. But optimistic ish. With a healthy dose of realism, maybe.

I’m I’m I’m saying things now. Okay, got it. No, we also realism. Cool. And by the way, I I have several nihilists in my life who I love very much. No again, no shade. I’m just I’m reacting based on what I’m hearing you share. Okay, let’s talk about the feminist piece and the emotional awareness, emotional maturity pieces. Are those one and the same, like values wise? Like tell me about tell me about which one you want to talk about first.

Emotional maturity. Okay. What does that look like to you? I think someone who is willing to be vulnerable. Yep. ⁓ how do you know when someone is willing to be vulnerable? What does that look like? Yeah, they’re they’re open to having a conversation. They don’t just avoid.

And they’re open to new perspectives. So yes, you can always listen and but if you’re not willing to hear the other side or to hear other people’s point of views, then you know, you have to be just like your mind has to be open. So I would say the great vetting question for this preference might be like, What’s your favorite hot take? What’s your favorite unpopular opinion or something? And if you see if you like disagree on something, how is it handled?

Right, right. Even if from the beginning of like just light and light heartedly, but that can tell you a lot. I would also say willing to be vulnerable. Do you want to sort of ideally this person has been to therapy or something like that? Because it shows yeah. Yeah. Because it shows what? Tell me. Because it shows again like emotional maturity or them wanting to better themselves. Self awareness.

Yes, self-awareness. Yeah. Something that you can ask about with this preference before even a date is like, what’s your favorite thing you’ve learned about yourself this year? I love it. Yeah. Or what ⁓ what’s your favorite like thing that your therapist says over and over and over again? Like something you can add it like lightheartedly, but it it it doesn’t have to carry with it like, do you go to therapy? Yes or no. But I do think that from the beginning, you are intentional about what you want.

You, Dana, you know that you need somebody who has this like connective humor. These are all the root words that we’ve got so far. Adventure traveler, emotional maturity. And you’re gonna vet for this. We’re gonna figure out this. I’m gonna help you with a system to vet for this after this. Is there anything we’re missing that you can think of? The indep independence too. I do not like codependent couples. Yeah.

I I do think it’s important for any couple to have, you know, their separate friends, their separate hobbies, being able to do things on our own without needing to be attached to the hip at all times, without needing to ask everything like, Hey, is it okay if I go out to dinner with my friend? Is it okay if I do this? Like just having our own likes and hobbies and lives outside of each other.

Yeah, cool. I think it’s important. I’m hearing the vetting things within this category. Friend group. So do you like to travel with your friends? When’s the last time you did something with your friend? Like making sure that they have friends that they care about and how do they care about them? Tell me about that. You know, on a first date, you can totally ask something like that. Hobbies, they must have something that brings them joy and that they invest their time in. I think that goes into the self-awareness and self-care questions. Another question that I love.

People to ask is how do you take care of yourself after a long, hard day? Yeah. What do you like to do to decompress? Right. So these are how you vet for somebody who is the self-aware, independent, emotionally mature, adventurous traveler, humor piece. Now, values-wise, just like a feminist man, you know, especially with the context of you previously working in Planned Parenthood, I think it’d be really important. Does that feel resonant to you or not so much? Yeah. How would you describe that?

Yeah, I mean I again being politically aware, like I don’t really like to talk about politics. this is sort of a side tangent, but also I think understanding the nature of my work and how tolling it can be. And so having emotional support with that. Like you know, seeing 16 patients a day, dealing with emotional trauma, physical trauma.

all day long having someone to come home to and being able to comfort me and being like, right, you know, I know you had a hard day. I know so I don’t necessarily need a date a healthcare worker. I I might not even prefer that, but someone who understands the nature of my work and what I do. This episode is brought to you by my free guide called the Essence-Based Preferences Creation Guide.

You can get it at datebrazen.com/slash workbook. Inside this guide, I take you through step by step by step through creating your essence-based preferences. EBPs or essence-based preferences are beneath the surface of your checklist. They are your love life vocabulary that describes exactly how you want to feel inside of the right relationship. And they make you magnetic.

Toward that which is right for you. They help you vet people who are wrong for you out of your dating pool. They help you recognize when someone is right for you. So it eliminates any of that like overthinking or anxiety and self-doubt in the process of dating so that you move forward faster. You can fill out these essence-based preferences along with Dana and I in this episode by going to datebraison.com slash workbook to get your hands on this free guide. And you’ll also be on my email list where you get my feminist dating hot takes.

weekly. It’s a great place to be. So go get your preferences workbook. Start creating your essence-based preferences because it’s your magnetic season. Okay. And let’s fucking go. Now back to the episode. So I like this like politically aware understands the nature of your work and also like I would imagine pro choice, pro abortion is healthcare vibes. Is that resonant? Yes.

Yeah. Yeah, cool. Somebody who wouldn’t like actively hear about what you do and share like their fucking hot takes about it, right? Like they’re just they hear what you do and the only appropriate response is, my god, you’re a hero. Do you know what I’m saying? Like you’re helping people. Yeah, I love that. Anything else here that you that feels resonant to share or express for this preference? You know.

Back in twenty twenty we were considered heroes. I think that sort of has dissipated. Now we’re just, you know, you know, back of the line workers that still do the same thing, but it’s even worse in my opinion now than it was. You know, if if he were in a industry of service like a teacher or social worker, I find that or some

type of feel that is helping others. That’s a that’s a huge green flag for me. Well, we need to add that to the one of your preferences or make a new one. So I think like helping others could go into emotional maturity, but it also could be its own separate thing of like generous of spirit. Like that’s in the way that they have friendships, how they donate their time or and or money, how they think about the world and themselves within it.

how they are aware of things going on in the world and how they actively care about things going on. How does this resonate? Yeah. Being woke. Yeah. Being like I I think just like if you doing something to make a difference. Like even if they’re not doing it for their career, you know, they’re in tune to like, you know, maybe volunteering for a non profit or or just having, yeah.

Having some awareness of what’s going on. What kind of nonprofits ideally would they donate their time or money to? ⁓ I don’t know. You don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to, but I don’t know. Yeah. For example, for me, I would want them to be like donating to Doctors Without Borders for the humanitarian crisis in Gaza. I would love that. Or that like like a environmental. I’m like a big environmental.

sustainability. So like that goes into the adventure traveler, right? That you’re not exploitative in the you’re trying, I would imagine, trying not to be exploitative in the way that you travel of the earth. Yes. Yes. Yes. And you’re you’re thinking about that. Somebody who’s thinking about this, right? There are some people who are who you would ask this question and they’d be like, huh, I’ve never thought about it before. Those people probably wouldn’t be for you. Mm-hmm. Exactly. Like ecotourism. That’s that it’s it’s sort of this

sustainability type of mindset when you’re traveling, like looking for the company that might have better sustainability practices. Or, you know, when I hiked Kilimanjaro, there are certain companies that are approved by the, you know, trans the society to say that they’re credible and they’re employing local porters. So yeah, having some eco mindedness. Yeah. Cool. Okay.

Okay, so I think we’ve got a great lineup of essence-based preferences. We’ve got the connective humor, adventure traveler, emotional maturity, independence, or like grounded confidence, something about that. We can you can fine-tune after this. Politically aware or like pro-human, like human rights or something. Like we need to come up with a a great, like I think that’s like empathetic to the world and doing something about it.

Yeah. In smaller empathy to others, maybe. Empathy to others. Cool. We can make that empathy. And like I think the personal is political. So I think like empathy can also be political, it can be interpersonal. It’s all of the above. And then the helping others could fit into one or more of these categories, but it could also be its own category. I love How do these feel?

Feel good. I hope you write this down for me. I I’ve written down some notes and you can also you’ll also be able to listen to this again and again. ⁓ yeah. Okay. ⁓ and we’ll we’ll have the transcript and everything. So you’ve got we’ve got you. And I want you to go into each of these categories after our call or at some point soon and like flesh out like what does this look like ideally for them to be connective and improv y on dates. Not that they have to do improv, but like what kind of questions are they asking you?

How are they showing up for you? All of this is is is ultimately about co-creation, Dana. That the wrong men for you will not co-create. They will not ask questions back. They will only do one-word answers. They put all the emotional labor on you to carry a conversation, carry a date, ⁓ check in afterward. They’re not for you. Let’s let the right people rise to the occasion. Yeah and allow them to show you who they are.

And this will be, by the way, in person and online. So let’s talk about the vetting process because the original friction that you had expressed was that the needing, you know, you you said, I need guidance, advice, a dating coach to navigate the complexity of dating, one who respects a woman’s independence, feminism, understands late bloomer mentality, and helped me get clarity and bring joy to a non-existent dating life. So let’s make your dating life existent. What do you want to do about it?

⁓ what’s your what’s your advice to to to dive in and feel optimistic about it? Great. Have so two-pronged approach, IRL dating and in and online dating. We need I’m gonna encourage both for you because especially for people who are healthcare workers or teachers or people who are single mothers, your your schedule is very busy. And so dating apps are a space that is very imperfect.

That is not the answer, but it’s a space for you to meet somebody and set up a date. I would love if you chose like one week night a week to set aside for pleasure love life night. On the nights where you don’t have a date, on that pleasure love life night, you are taking yourself on a date. Okay. To stop only living for the weekend. You do pleasure love life night. And when you get on a dating app, that will be your night to go on a date if and when it comes from a dating app. Does that

Resonate? So the the one night a week should be a date. With yourself. Okay. Or with another human being who you meet through a dating app or IRL. So let’s just like carve out like you’re making a night for your love life. Yes. Okay. I like it. With your self dates, you can work on your dating mindset. That’s another piece of this. It’s like

The strategy and the mindset have to go together. So, how to not be so hopeless all the time. You can lean on the tools that I teach in this podcast, like SOFT, self-compassion, owning your needs, feeling your feelings, thoughts, not facts. Do a brain dump of all your hopeless thoughts and take it through SOFT to like coach yourself through more hopeless moments to bring more aliveness to this area. You get to be kind to yourself, own what you need, notice where it is in your body, like allow it to.

Rise, breathe into it. I’m willing to feel anything to be with you vibes. That’s a thought from Simone’s soul. And then thoughts not facts. What else might be true? I’m trying something new. Yeah. I’m learning how to have an alive dating life. I’m learning how to build more experience. I’m getting more clarity by showing up for myself. I’m not dead yet. I don’t know everything. So let’s fucking go. Mm-hmm. I love it. Yeah, I love it. Yeah.

And then strategy wise, I want you on a dating app and I want you to do one, not three. Let’s decide right now. D does this I don’t want to force you to do anything. I’m thinking of myself right now as like the consultant to your CEO. Okay. So tell me what do you want? I think I think I like the one night idea without without the pressure of it having to be a date. So like, you know, I’ve set

goals for myself where I’m like I have to go on one date a week and I have to put I have to go on a dating app every night so I would like put it on my phone and then most nights just not do it. So I think one night a week just to prioritize dating whether that’s myself or IRL is doable. Good. Good. I

Why did you not why did you avoid getting on the dating app? Things to do. Yeah, sure. We’ve talked about how it felt like your perception of the wrong people really slowed you down. Yeah. How do you think our conversation might impact how you how you interact with the dating app differently?

I think the vetting process too. I mean, I I feel like earlier this year I vetted everyone and was like nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. But like really having more intentional early conversation. Yes. Yeah. Can I see your dating app profile? Do you have it? I do. Okay, for everybody listening or watching on YouTube, I have Dana’s profile now pulled up in front of me. Let’s talk about your profile, Dana, to make it

reflect your essence-based preferences. Okay. Okay. So this is why it’s important to start with preferences because everything builds on itself. So you start with preferences, then you figure out what vetting questions you need to ask, then you kind of answer how I do it with my clients inside of main character dating is then they answer all of their own questions. Yeah. Like what’s bringing you joy lately? We have you answer that. And then that data

Becomes great stuff for your prompts to make them intentional and really direct. Love it. Okay, cool. So I think your pictures look so great. I do want a picture with you like more chest up. I love the full body. I love the adventurous, but I want one of just like seeing you and ⁓ like headshot.

Yeah, like headshot, but not stiff. Like get a friend of yours, go on a friend photo shoot and at brunch or on a walk, have them like take a hundred photos of you. Okay. Smiling in a joyful moment, ideally. ⁓ and that’ll be great. So one thing you should know about me, can you read this to me? Because in the screenshot I see like a little ellipsis. I don’t see the full thing. So read to me what you have.

This is so I I need to update this, but it says one thing you should know about me, I have a high pressure job during the work week. With that said, one of my life mottos is work hard, play harder. Okay. So we need this to be more intentional. Everything in your profile is really valuable real estate. And so I think that one thing you you don’t have to choose this prompt specifically. And are you on hinge or bumble? Tell me I can’t really hinge. This is hinge.

So one thing you should let’s just keep this one for the sake of, you know, going through it and and figuring out your best next steps. I think that saying one thing you should know about me should be about I am an adventure traveler. Okay. Who deeply cares about my patients, if you want to talk about that. Like I am an adventure traveler who cares deeply about my patients and their well being.

I’m really passionate about like and you could even say, I’m an adventure traveler, passionate about climate change, caring for my patients, and being really silly in an improv class. Do you see how different that is? Yeah. Yeah. Because you are starting with what you’re starting with, sorry, I have a high pressure job. Sorry, I’m busy. When it’s like, okay, you’re busy.

You have a high pressure job. Great. What’s great about it? Why do you love it? What’s a what what and I’m not saying that has to be your final answer, but but we don’t need to start with an apology. Yeah. Yeah, I like that. Yeah. So I I think that the energy that you bring to your profile is important because it can qualify and disqualify people. And sure, people aren’t as truthful about their profile or whatever. You’re gonna snuff that out with your qualifying, disqualifying questions. Mm-hmm. Or on a first date, if someone’s not right for you, you’ll be able to bless and release.

More unbothered because of this new energy. Okay. Try to guess this about me. Which of the seven continents I have not been to? Okay, this is getting to the adventure traveler piece, but I don’t think it’s a valuable use of real estate. Got it. Because it’s not inviting dialogue. It’s like play this game with me, and I want it to inv to say more about you. Right. Okay. Here are my favorite hinge prompts.

Here are my favorites. This year I really want to. My simple pleasures, typical Sunday. My friends ask me for advice about. I feel most supported when. To me, relaxation is. If loving this is wrong, I don’t want to be right. The key to my heart is my favorite favorite is I won’t shut up about because that gives you a chance to like really Yeah. Let your let yourself out there. Together we could.

Okay, all good ones. I have to think about these, but yeah. To me, relaxation is would be a really great one for you because that would qualify, disqualify someone who has a different view of relaxation. You could say, like, to me, to me, relaxation is finding a hammock in a beautiful place and then going on a 10 mile run or something like that to really like showcase that you are about an adventurous, very, very active lifestyle.

And that you are a nine, you’re a nine out of ten looking for a six out of ten. Like that’s not something I would say on your profile, but we need to exemplify that in how you answer these questions. So I put my favorite, the ones that I just read out in the chat for you. But I mean, this is just the beginning of like we just used that first one, the one thing you should know about me, and I shifted your approach. I think we should change the prompt, try to guess about me to something like the key to my heart is or I won’t shut up about.

So, an example of a great I won’t shut up about is my client who said, I won’t shut up about the Washington spirit, their championship run, their ownership battle, the awesomeness of women’s soccer, and the talent of the players. Looking forward to seeing them in action in Audi Field this year. So it’s showcases her passion that she travels for her passions, that she cares about women’s soccer, showcase her values. Here’s another example. We’ll get along if.

You seek personal growth, are serious and playful, have integrity. You take care of yourself and knowing your way and know your way around your emotions. Practicing yoga is a plus. Love that. Wow. Good. Do you see how different this is? Yeah. Yeah. And then your final prompt that you shared. I’ll brag about you two, my friends, if you have a sense of humor, can give a killer massage. What else did you say? Because it’s got a little ellipsis. ⁓ let’s see.

Have passions and hobbies that align my own. You are not afraid of vulnerability, international travel, and epic adventures. That’s a great start. I think that like I’ll brag about you to my friends if you love cultural immersion, travel with cultural immersion. You are game to like go to an improv class, something if that’s if that matters to you, it doesn’t have to.

You have an amazing friend group of your own. Mm-hmm. And you go to therapy, right? Like you could say that in your profile. Yeah. And then something that I love encouraging folks to add to their profile is I’m looking for saying something like, looking for a partner to live fully with side by side, then hopefully we go scuba diving on six continents. Something like that. So I think after you make those shifts, that you will have a ⁓

you’ll have a more robust profile that’s more you. And that’s going to be really important for your confidence and feeling authentic and feeling like I’m putting it out there. And then in terms of like the fear of I have less experience, I mean role playing that just goes like with the right people, it’s like, tell me more about that. With the wrong people, they’re gonna be like, that’s weird. Which is an immediate qualif which is immediate disqualified. Do you think so someone actually another coach at one point

said I should hint to that inexperience in a sort of a different way, but to put that on my profile and ask to like hint like is this something you’re okay with? No. Or no. I t I disagree. I disagree. Okay. I think that’s the least interesting thing about you. Why would you put it on your profile? But like it’s not it’s it’s like I don’t like if you really wanted to, we’d figure out a way to do it. But I don’t really want to.

Don’t. It’s not something that is a disqualifier for the right people. It’s like if you had a kid, I would say that’s a different story. Let’s let’s put your kid on your let’s mention somewhere that you’re a single mom. Yeah, no. But if you but it’s not like this is I mean, this is just a temporary circumstance. Like you when you meet somebody, you’re looking for a a an emotional, physical connection. You’re not looking for a perfect match and level of experience.

Okay, I like that answer. Yeah. Don’t worry about it. Cause I don’t I think that that person was saying that more like, well, you want to protect yourself because some people wouldn’t be okay with that. Well then they would be disqualified. Yeah. Good. Okay. Awesome. Yeah. I’m excited for you. And then IRL, ⁓ we get we are at the end of our time. We could talk literally for five more hours. This is why like I love coaching on this.

But I want you to set up an intentional dating app practice that is like 10 minutes every other day or something like that with one dating app. And I want you to celebrate your wins more and bring more collective belonging to this area of your life by like texting a friend, hey, I’m intentionally trying dating for in a new way. And open with your what’s bringing you joy question. And then in the conversation, have a cutoff point.

Of like after five days, we I either ask them out and then we need to co-create a date. They need to be equally interested, or I bless and release. But like set a cutoff point. It could be five days, could be four days, could be ten days, but just know for yourself what’s your boundary so that you can be more prepared to cut it off when somebody’s a pen pal or not right for you. And you can also like shoot your shot. And then if they say yes, then their job is to help you co-create a date. Yeah.

Love it. Love it. I can’t wait to re-listen to this because I’m trying not to take too many notes. Well, it’s gonna be so, so ⁓ exciting to step into this new era of your love life. And also sometimes it’ll feel like like I’ve backslid or the dating app still sucks. The dating app is not changing. You are changing the way you set boundaries, the way you ask for what you want, the way you show up for what you want. And this is just one expression of showing up for what you want. In person dating, joy building.

Asking a friend to help you educate a coup conspirators and making eye contact in the wild. And you have chapter eight, chapter seven of the Thank You More Please book to help you with that strategy or my podcast episodes. Awesome. Cool. Well, thank you, Dana, so much. This was so fun to work with you. And I can’t wait to hear your update. Thank you so much. I’m so honored this to meet you like in real life. You’re you’re exactly how

How you portray yourself in your book and your podcasts. well, it’s amazing. So nice to meet you. Same back at you. And we’ll talk soon. Thank you, Dana, for coming on the podcast to talk with me. And thank you for your willingness to be vulnerable and to be coached. It was an honor coaching you. I had a blast, and I hope that you feel more powerful in this process. I hope that you know that what you want is even more possible than you realized.

And I am so excited for this new main character energy chapter of your love life. Dana sent us a video updating us after this session on how she felt, what changes she implemented. So let’s get into that update. Hey Lily, it’s Dana following up after our podcast on Wednesday, ⁓ answering the follow-up questions. The first question: what did I take away from the session?

Definitely to focus on the essence-based preferences and feeling more optimistic about that when I actually sit down and think of those things and hopefully that will help with my my dating and figuring out what I really want. ⁓ number two, I have completed the challenges. I updated my profile after we talked a little bit about it. I actually

found long story, but there was ⁓ someone who I met hitchhiking on ⁓ in Yosemite and I’ve been trying to find him because I gave him my wrong number by accident and I found him on the app so I liked him and it’s just a matter of time. Hopefully he’ll like me back. But ⁓ that was a huge win. So getting back on the app, updating my profile and getting back into the game.

And then how am I proud of myself after the session? I am proud to have one been chosen because that was awesome to to be on your podcast and two to be vulnerable to the world and to feel a little bit more hopeful after we took a deep dive ⁓ together and I’m really excited to see what comes next.

Thanks again, Dana. And I want you all listening to go out and make one intentional change for your love life because you get to re-center yourself and your desires starting right now. And that will make you more magnetic toward the right opportunities and right people for you. You’ve got this, and I’ve got your back. Talk to you next week. Thanks for listening to the Late Bloomer Show. If you liked this episode, then you’re going to love my book, Thank You More Please: A Feminist Guide to Breaking Dumb Dating Rules and Finding Love, which you can buy anywhere books are sold.

And I did the audiobook, which I think you’re gonna like a lot. Go to datebrazen.com slash book to get your hands on your copy and get a special bonus called the Dating Life Fix. I identified 10 top dating issues you might be facing and exactly which podcast episodes you need to listen to to solve those issues within 30 minutes or less. You’ve got this and I’ve got your back. See you next week.