If approaching a cutie in the wild makes you nauseous…
If you “aren’t the type of person” to make eye contact with hotties in the wild…
If the thought of asking someone out in-person makes your butthole clench up…
If you want to try in-person dating, but feel overwhelmed and anxiety-filled at HOW to start.

This episode is for you. 

Links + Resources:

📚 Buy Lily’s book Thank You More Please: datebrazen.com/book

💖 Work with Lily: datebrazen.com

🎥 YouTube Channel

📱 TikTok

📸 Instagram

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Show transcript:

Lily @ Date Brazen (00:00)
Hello, gorgeous friends. Welcome to another episode I am so glad that you’re here. Today, I am going to teach you how to approach people in person. If that sentence made you want to vomit or made you nauseous immediately, don’t worry. I’m going to take you through step by step how to build the confidence to become the version of yourself who approaches people in person often who they find attractive.

This act alone of having the embodied confidence to approach people in person is going to help you make the right relationship inevitable. Because you are going to be showing up for your desire for the right relationship in a new way instead of hiding because you’re fearful of what is gonna happen. Instead of hiding because you are living in the worst case scenario in your head, dress rehearsing it over and over and over again. I’m gonna help you get out of that.

And into empowered action in person in your dating life with this episode. I hope you’re ready. I’m ready. I’m so excited. Let’s get into it.

So a couple of days ago, I posted a video on TikTok and it is going viral. I did not expect it to go viral. I was like, this will just be like, you know, responding to a comment. The comment was I get shy around anyone I find attractive and I look away in person. And this comment was echoed again and again and again in the comment section. I would die from embarrassment if I went up to somebody in person or

What about when I turn red like a 14-year-old? Or I always freeze up around people I find attractive. There’s this consensus or that or a large group of people in my community who are having trouble even imagining what would it be like to approach somebody in person and to say hello or to ask somebody out. And so I made this video about how to do this. And so this episode is an expansion of that, of that video.

And I know that this episode, The Advice Inside, is going to help you in the next 30 days approach somebody in person and either say hello or ask them out. So take out your notes app, start taking notes, get ready. You might want to listen to this episode again if you want to build that level of confidence.

The problem with the the reality that you find yourself in, that I can’t do it. I’m I would be so embarrassed, I would turn so red, is the underlying assumption that you are uniquely bad at this.

The problem is that you are blaming yourself and saying, I am uniquely bad at this, I am uniquely bad at in-person dating, or I am uniquely bad at dating, or I am uniquely embarrassed because fill in the blank. Maybe you are playing an assumption in your head to protect yourself from rejection that is like automatically assuming that somebody’s going to reject you, automatically assuming that you’re going to get hurt in some way if you do in person dating or if you do dating at all. And yes, dating requires a

Heavy amount of vulnerability. And that is scary as hell. And when you show up for yourself and your desires more consistently, it will mean rejection happens. So what are you going to do about it? If you want to move forward and you know that rejection is going to happen, what are you going to do about it? Well, number one, you need to give yourself permission to be in progress. Stop blaming yourself for being bad at in person dating or bad at dating in general.

First of all, nobody’s like really good at this stuff. It’s vulnerable. It’s awkward. It’s nerve-wracking. And what is so brilliant about my clients when they start to find more of what they want, when they start to attract the juiciest dates of their life, when they start to like enter the right relationship, they’re doing so messily.

They’re doing so messily. They’re giving themselves permission to want what they want, and they are giving themselves permission to be in progress, and they are not allowing themselves to be slowed down by self-blame. How do you get out of self-blame? Self-compassion. my God. I love self-compassion so much,

Self-compassion is not just going easy on yourself for the sake of going easy on yourself, though that would be cool too. Self-compassion, there was a study out of Stanford University a couple of years ago that showed that self-compassion reduces cortisol levels, so reduces stress and increases resilience to things that you definitely need for a dating life that leads to extraordinary love. Self compassion says, I’m here for you, is a really kind voice.

Self-compassion also says, wow, I’m having a lot of thoughts that are kind of kind of stinging. They kind of hurt. Ouch. I’m having the thought that I’m so bad at this. Who would want to be with me? Ooh, ouch, that hurts. That’s a hard thought. It’s not a fact. Self-compassion also says, I’m not alone. That’s why I love group coaching and love doing these live trainings where there is a robust group of other single badass feminist humans who have each other’s back because when you do this in belonging,

That isolated, that isolation, that shame voice gets a little bit quieter, gets to be a little bit more comforted because you’re really freaking not alone. Okay. So, number one, to build the confidence to start in-person dating is to give yourself permission to be in progress. Stop blaming yourself for where you’ve been or for how embarrassing this concept is to you. Because you’re in progress. You’re going to learn how to do this. Nobody’s like,

Really good at this all the time. Nobody’s really good at approaching people in person unless, number two, you commit to getting messy and practicing. You are not good at in-person dating yet because you haven’t practiced. You know what practice requires of us? An immense amount of vulnerability and resiliency and like

Self-compassion, hopefully. That’s what propels you forward in your practice. I for an example of how fucking hard practice is. Cause I think a lot of people that I speak to, they’re like, but it’s I tried and it was so hard and it didn’t end well. And I tried in person dating, it didn’t end well. I I approached somebody and they chuckled at me, or it was so it was so not what I had hoped, and it just took me back weeks and I was not wanting to take action for weeks because it was so hard. Yeah.

That’s sometimes what happens when you practice. Both and the problem is that you’re making that one instance mean everything about you and what’s possible and your abilities.

deep breath, self-compassion. Of course I’m struggling with this. Who would have taught me how to practice resiliently? I get to I’m learning how to have my own back. Those are things you can repeat to yourself. An example of how practice is necessary. I was in French for years. Years and years, eight years of French in school. And I decided to study abroad in Cameroon, which is a a francophone country in West Central Africa.

And I was gonna be speaking French. And I thought, I’ve had eight years of French. I will show up and I’m gonna know I’m gonna fall in and I’m gonna like speak French and I’m gonna be good at it. Only to show up in Cameroon and realize that I was the worst French speaker in my class. I was the worst French speaker that my it felt like the worst French speaker my host mother had ever hosted. Like I felt so much shame that I was not better at French when I showed up.

I had so much shame. I I remember replaying the scenarios of how many like homework assignments I didn’t take seriously, how much I was bullshitting myself through those tests. It was very difficult because everyone around me was speaking this language and I I couldn’t speak it. And then when I would speak it, it was so embarrassing because I would say the wrong thing. I remember thinking that the word ex you know, I’m very excitable and very enthusiastic. And I thought that the word excited in French.

was excité. And I thought that, not because I had any proof, but because I just was like, it sounds like it would be similar in French. Turns out Excité in French was sexually turned on, which makes sense now looking back. But I was my ass was like up in class being like Je suis très excité. Like I am very excited, meaning I am very turned on in French, but didn’t know it until my host mother said, You know you’re saying that you’re like

Turned on, right? And I was like, my God, what? Je suis enthusiaste is the is the way to say it. Anyway, practicing was very deeply embarrassing for me. And it wasn’t, I wasn’t making progress in my practice until of French, until I allowed myself to be in progress, until I stopped blaming myself for not being good at French yet.

And actually started allowing myself to be vulnerable, allowing myself to be bad at it. That’s the other part of in-person dating, is like you’ve got to allow yourself to be bad at it first, to then start making progress. What if you had your own back no matter what? So the feeling of embarrassment didn’t throw you off your game. It was just like a hard moment. You practiced self-compassion through it, you were resilient enough to move on. So.

You aren’t good at in-person dating yet because you haven’t practiced. Everybody is awkward. Everybody is weird. Just show up. Just show up and start. Allow yourself to be read. Allow yourself to to look, you know, feel embarrassed like a 14 year old version of yourself. Because at the end of the day, you get to have your own back. Doing this with a approaching somebody in person with a friend also helps. So you have somebody like

actually reminding you of these things, maybe even send this episode to your friend who you want to be your co-conspirator so that they can know how to support you best in the moment that you’re practicing in-person dating. Practicing in-person dating looks like approaching somebody cute at a bar or a restaurant and saying, Hey, how’s it going? You’re really cute. Wanted to say hi. Or you could say, hey, I love that watch or I like give a genuine compliment and be like, how’s your day going?

Or you could even say like, hey, I know this is like this is really intense, but I just wanted to come over here. You look like you’re having such a good time. What’s bringing you joy today? Like use a qualifying, disqualifying question. Those are ways to practice in-person dating. Other ways to practice in-person dating are to make eye contact with somebody that you’re walking past that is kind of cute and like smiling. I have clients who practice this so much that they get to the point where they can like wink at somebody and feel super proud of themselves.

And it keeps their in-person dating life moving forward. It keeps dates coming to them when they show up for their desires in this way. The third and final step of building the confidence enough to do in person dating, to approach people in person, is to celebrate yourself. To celebrate every single time that you attempt to do in person dating. Cell self celebration is a freaking strategy.

Self-celebration is not, I was gonna say self-indulgence, but if you listen to this podcast, you know I love self-indulgence too. Self-celebration is not haughty, it’s not like braggadocious, it’s like it’s literally a strategy to keep your human body doing something that is uncomfortable. So for example, when you set the when you set the goal of like, I will celebrate every win, no win is too small.

I will celebrate even when I’m embarrassed because that means I’m trying. And that celebration, plan it. What will it look like? It will look like me texting my best friend and saying, like, my God, I just did this. I just made eye contact with a cute person. I want to celebrate it. Or it could look like treating yourself to something, or it could look like literally just doing like a shimmy shake or a little dance. Celebrate every win. No win is too small. Self-celebration is an in-person dating strategy.

This dating lesson of like how to do in-person dating is not to encourage you to micromanage your dating life. It’s not to say that somebody else is not gonna show up and co-create the right relationship with you. It’s saying you first have to show up and co-create to then expect somebody to be drawn into your universe. Right? So, like showing up for yourself and your desires in your dating life.

Means doing so outside of your home. Means doing so outside of your room. And if that again, if that thought scares you going back to the beginning, then number one, give yourself permission to be in progress. Practice self-compassion. Stop blaming yourself for where you’re at. Number two, commit to getting messy and practicing. What if you just took one action step? You get better at in-person dating when you practice.

The the end story to my Cameroon journey is that I got really freaking good at French. I was damn near fluent by the end of this semester. And that’s due to my incredible teachers and my host families who were so patient with me and who really guided me through. And it was due to me allowing myself to be vulnerable enough to try.

And number three, get celebratory of yourself. This work will lead to you having an in-person dating life by the end of 30 days of trying. Like if you try for 30 days, these three steps, you will have an in-person dating life. You will be better at in-person dating. You will have committed to your desires in a new way. And it will lead to you co-creating some awesome shit in person in your dating life.

The bonus of this is that it also will impact how you do dating online because the more robust your in-person dating life, the less likely you are to settle online because of the fear that nobody else is out there for you, because of the fear of like, this dating app is the answer because I’m not good at in-person dating. No, take the power away from a dating app. Start practicing in-person dating more.