If you’ve ever feared that you’re not attractive or desirable because it’s never happened before, this episode is a must-listen.

Lily breaks down the internalized fears many late bloomers carry—and how to reframe those thoughts with compassion, context, and confidence using her signature ACK mindset tool (Acknowledge, Compassion, Kind Reframe). You’ll also get a powerful challenge to reconnect with your body and spark self-trust this week.

Links + Resources:

📚 Buy Lily’s book Thank You More Please: datebrazen.com/book

💖 Work with Lily: datebrazen.com

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Show transcript:

Lily @ Date Brazen (00:00)
Hey, gorgeous friends, welcome to another episode I’m so glad that you’re here. Today we are talking about the question that might be on your mind if you feel like a late bloomer. Who is ever gonna find me attractive because nobody has before? Who’s gonna find me desirable because nobody has before? I’m gonna help you address that fear so that you can start thinking about putting yourself out there, start actually putting yourself out there with a little bit more confidence.

And eventually a lot more confidence because this is a thought, not a fact that you’re not desirable. We’re gonna unpack this fear in this episode. We’re gonna tactically, I’m going to tactically give you a challenge to start feeling desirable for yourself in your body this week so that you can start becoming a magnet for the people that are right for you, for people that want to be in your life. So let’s get into this episode.

So let’s talk about the fear that you’re not desirable enough for a partner, because that

Fear is a thought trying to protect you, trying to beat the universe to the punch of rejection. It’s not a fact. That fear is an understandable response to a patriarchal, racist, transphobic, homophobic, ableist, fat phobic world. It is an understandable response. And of course, that thought feels true. I’m undesirable, both probably because as a late bloomer,

You might have felt like, I have a lot of experience with feeling undesirable. I go to a bar and my friend is hit on and I’m not. You might have years of rejection under your belt. And so your brain is organizing that data to say, I know what’s going to happen to in the future, and I’m going to beat the universe to the punch of believing that nobody wants to be with me. So I hold I cut myself off from that opportunity to be hurt even more. That thought, I’m undesirable, is a thought, not a fact. It is an understandable thought.

A thought, not a fact, still the same. Now, our thoughts, I believe and have seen, they trigger emotions in us, right? They want to protect us. Those feelings are like bodily functions, like poop. They come up. You’re having a bodily function in response to an emotional interpretation of the world around you, a thought. So you’re having a thought and then you’re having a feeling, maybe shame, maybe the feeling of isolation, maybe the feeling of sadness, right? And then you take actions based on that.

Thought that you’re having and based on the feeling you’re having. So those actions might look like under functioning, like laying on your couch all the time instead of going outside your house and trying something new and instead of dating. Maybe it’s overfunctioning, hustling for your worth, trying to go on dates to prove to yourself that someone will find you desirable, but you don’t feel like it in your body. That’s what happened to me, and it led to me settling for years and years and years. Those actions then create a result. I create I created the result of settling.

In a toxic relationship where he met none of my needs, but I wanted to feel desirable. I wanted to feel chosen. I thought that would never happen if I didn’t settle. You might be creating the result of hiding from opportunity because of that original thought. I’m undesirable, right? And I’m here to tell you, even though there might be myriad forces that are telling you otherwise, you are desirable as you are right now. You get to feel desirable for yourself right now.

You are desirable to the right people, period. As you are right now, the size you are, the place you are, the brain you have, the desires you have. You are enough and worthy and desirable, and you get to be desirous of the right relationship for you. So I don’t want you to objectify yourself in the way of like, I must be XYZ in order to be desirable. So I want to act.

That fear. This is my mindset tool, A C K, that you’re not desirable, in order to reprogram your brain around a thought that creates a little more positive feeling, a little more active actions, and a better result, like you meet people. So ACK is a mindset tool that stands for acknowledge, compassion, kind reframe. Acknowledging might sound like acknowledging when you have that.

Hard thought, I’m undesirable. Acknowledge it. Hey, I’m having a hard thought, not a fact. Compassion might sound like that’s a really hard thought, and I’m not alone. And it’s really normal to think this about myself because of course I do. I was taught XYZ, give yourself the benefit of your context. I’m not alone. Compassion doesn’t say, shut up, you’re wrong, you are desirable. That’s the aggressive opposite, and it’s not gonna work. It’s not like you can eject a hard thought and insert a good thought in in response.

No, you need to work with your nervous system and work with your brain to create a new neural pathway baby step by baby step, which is why you acknowledge why you practice compassion to get on your own side and not like swim in that cognitive dissonance of I’m direble. No, I’m not. Yes, I am. No No, get off the seesaw. Hey, I I’m just human. This is a human thought pattern. And then kind reframe. Here are a few kind reframes.

That might feel useful and true for you to practice right now, out loud and often. I have a face. Maybe that’s a kind reframe you say after acknowledging the hard thought, practicing compassion for it. I have a face. I have a body. These can be just like radically neutralizing thoughts that I practice sometimes when I have moments where I look at a picture of myself and I have old default thought patterns about the way that I look that are kind of mean to myself. I can acknowledge it, practice compassion.

For that version of me who just wants to feel beautiful and safe and not be rejected for the way that I look. And then kind reframe, I have a body. It can be a really good reset. Another kind reframe, I haven’t existed in a system that celebrates my beauty. I haven’t existed in a system that celebrates my humanity. That’s really hard. So of course my brain is having a hard thought in response. Another kind reframe might be, I haven’t met everyone yet.

It’s possible that I don’t know with certainty that no one is going to be attracted to me. It might be possible that someone is attracted to me in the future. It might be possible that fill in the blank, right? These are kind reframes that you need to practice out loud and often when you catch yourself in the default thought, acknowledge it, practice compassion for it, and kind reframe. Rinse and repeat all the time. And suddenly, with practice, this new kind reframe feels more like the truth. So here is your challenge for today’s episode.

I want you to practice ACK, ACK anytime you can this week. When you catch yourself in the default thought of I’m undesirable, catch it, acknowledge it, be compassionate toward it radically, and then offer a kind reframe. Then I want you to go outside your house and do something that makes you feel alive. That vibrancy and aliveness is what will help you to practice these new baby stuff reframes even more effectively.

It’s what g like desirability is essentially coming into your body, trusting and like trusting that you are enough as a human being who is imperfect, just like everybody else, and then putting yourself out there messily with emotional safety. And ACK will really help with that too. And then as you do those things, putting yourself out there imperfectly, doing things that make you feel alive and at home in your body, I love Zumba for that reason. Like find yourself a great Zumba class. You like

Have the blast, or you might like yoga, or you might like stretching, or you might like going on a long, luxurious walk. Doing something to come back into your body and to really fill your cup in that way will help you feel more vibrant and alive. You can even practice while you’re moving your body the useful and true baby step thought, the kind reframe. I have a body. I’m proud of how my body moves. I’m proud of.

Who I am and where I am right now, if that feels useful and true. It might be possible I haven’t met everyone yet. It might be possible that I am desirable. It might be possible that I am beautiful to myself and to the right people. It might be possible that I’m for the few, not for the many. It might be possible that I don’t know everything. As you’re moving your body, you can practice these kind reframes to sort of come alive for yourself and to get off that like dusty, crusty neural pathway of like, it’s never gonna happen.

Nothing’s gonna change. I am this person and you know, who’s gonna want to be with me? Acknowledge it. Be compassionate toward it. Of course, I think that. That sounds really normal in a world that has taught me not to love myself. And I get to choose again and then kind reframe. It might be possible that I am desirable. And it starts with like desiring myself, as corny as that sounds. I know y’all want a a thought that is different than that, but it really does start with you.

And coming home to yourself in this way and being alive in your body in this way. So if you are able, go do something to feel alive in your body today. And even if it hasn’t happened before, I know and I’ll hold for you until you can hold for yourself that there are people who are going to be so excited that you exist because they’ve been looking for somebody just like you, just like you’ve been looking for someone just like them.

You are uniquely qualified for the love of your life. Even if you practice ACK 2% more of the time, that is a practice that will have a huge ROI on your love life, on your relationship with yourself. And I can’t wait to hear how this goes for you. Practice ACK this week and go do something that makes you feel alive in your body if you are able. And while you’re there, practice the thought, I’m proud of you. Practice the thought, I’m here with you.

Practice the thought, I am uniquely qualified for the love of my life. Talk to y’all soon.