221. SOFT practice for tough times
I’m diving into how to care for yourself when life feels heavy. If you’re feeling drained or disappointed post-election—or really, after any tough experience—I’m here with a simple but powerful framework to help you reclaim your energy.
In this episode, I’ll guide you through the SOFT practice: Self-compassion, Owning your needs, Feeling your feelings, and Thoughts, not facts. I’ll share practical tools, like Dr. Kristin Neff’s self-compassion meditation, to help you navigate challenging times with more grace.
This episode is for anyone who needs a reminder that you deserve care, kindness, and support.
Links:
Free 5-minute self-compassion medication from Dr. Kristin Neff: https://self-compassion.org/self-compassion-practices/
The Loveland Foundation: https://thelovelandfoundation.org/
Show transcript:
[00:00:00] Lily: Hey, gorgeous friends, Lily here. I am excited to bring you this teeny tiny episode and I just, I'm gonna peel back the curtain a bit and tell you that I wish that I had the energy or the enthusiasm to record a whole ass episode about how To vet people post election, how to thrive post election in your love life.
[00:00:29] But I, I'm not there right now. Uh, I will be, uh, I'm sure that a lot of you feel similarly. I'm feeling real low after the election. I, you know, obviously voted for Kamala. Uh, I thought things would go differently. I don't have anything to say on that topic. I'm, I'm listening to a lot of people on like. Best next steps.
[00:00:54] And I think, you know, this week, I just wanted to bring you a little shorty quickie on what [00:01:00] I'm doing to care for myself and what I hope you do to care for yourself in this time that might feel uncertain or painful for, you know, the, the election reason or any other. Reason in your life. So I'm here with some resources.
[00:01:21] I'm here with some Links, linky loos, and I'm here with a shit ton of compassion and belonging Um, so however you're feeling, um, I just want you to know it's it's very human of you
[00:01:41] Hey, I'm Lily Womble, former top matchmaker and founder of Date Brazen. After setting up hundreds, I realized that with coaching, women could match themselves better than anyone else ever could. With my unconventional feminist approach, I've helped women around the world build courageous and self trust filled love lives.
[00:01:56] And now I'm here to support you get [00:02:00] ready. Cause I'm about to share the exact steps you need to attract a soul quenching partnership and feel amazing about yourself along the way. This is the Date Brazen podcast. Here are a couple of resources that I'm using to move through difficult feelings this week.
[00:02:18] And I think that these are going to be helpful whether you are listening to this, um, the day it comes out on November 12th, 2024, or whether you're listening to this at another point in time, the point of this little shorty, these resources, the point of them is to Help you move through any hard shit and of course as you're dating and building a new relationship Hard stuff is gonna come out to come up to so these are very applicable resources.
[00:02:47] No matter the moment I have four ideas for you. Number one And you've heard me say this again and again and again, practice self compassion. In the description of this episode, [00:03:00] we have linked a free five minute self compassion meditation from Dr. Kristen Neff that helps me in hard times remember that I'm not alone, right?
[00:03:09] There are three components of self compassion. Um, and self compassion isn't just going easy on yourself. It's not just wasting time with going soft. It is, Clint, it is proven. Out of a 2014 study out of Stanford to reduce cortisol, which would be very nice, thank you more please, to reducing cortisol, and it's proven to increase resilience.
[00:03:29] Two things that we definitely need to move through this time and step into aligned action after caring for ourselves and our nervous systems. So the three components of self compassion are as follows, and this is adapted from Dr. Kristen Neff. Number one, kindness. So just saying even to yourself, like, this is really hard right now.
[00:03:46] What would the most kind friend say to you right now about how you're feeling or where you're at? Number two, mindfulness over, over identification. Over identification is, uh, Oh shit, [00:04:00] I'm having, uh, I'm, I'm having a thought and it's a fact and it's always going to be a fact. And I am that thought. Like, you know, I'm always going to feel hopeless and it's always going to feel hopeless.
[00:04:08] It's always going to feel that over identification is just, is looking at the thoughts in your brain and being like, oh shit, this is everything. When, when. In fact, your brain is a survival, it's like trying to survive and trying to predict the future in order to be safe. It makes a lot of sense why we over identify with our thoughts in our brains, both and mindfulness is saying, Hey, I see you're having a lot of hard thoughts.
[00:04:32] And that's really hard. And whether or not any of those catastrophizing thoughts, if you're having catastrophizing thoughts will come to pass, we don't, we don't know. And it's hard to be in an uncertain moment. It's painful, which is another reason why we need self compassion. And I think mindfulness just doesn't have to be a 10 minute meditation necessarily.
[00:04:52] It can just be, Hey, I'm having some really hard thoughts right now. Mindfulness over, over identification. The third and final pillar of self compassion [00:05:00] is self discipline. Belonging over isolation. Isolation says, and, and, and, you know, might believe, uh, I'm alone. I'm alone in feeling this way. I am alone in, in, and being here right now.
[00:05:12] And, and you're not, you know, let this podcast episode be, be a sign that you're not alone. And I hope that as a part of that self-compassion practice of, you know, doing those three things that you reach out. To close loved ones right now, text them, send out a bat signal if you need it, make IRL plans, make proactive plans to see people that you love and care about.
[00:05:35] It's okay to reach out to get some belonging. It's okay even mentally to imagine someone that you love. Or someone that you resonate with sitting with you. Even imagining that can bring in some belonging in your mind's eye. For your dating life, if you feel really lonely and you're one of the only single people in your group and maybe you're in a space where your values don't align with other people's around you, maybe your families are different or whatever, like you can imagine me sitting next to [00:06:00] you.
[00:06:00] We can hang out for a moment on a park bench. Literally, just imagining can bring you some of that, the benefit of self compassion. So there's three things, kindness, mindfulness, and belonging are the tenets of a self compassion practice. And again, there's a five minute meditation that is free from Dr.
[00:06:18] Kristin Neff, um, that I use in hard times. So that's number one, self compassion. Number two, own your needs. So this is basically the S. O. F. T. practice that I've spoken of in another um, podcast episode. Owning your needs could look like, you know, what are my physical needs? What are my emotional needs? Do I need to do something with my body or hands that brings me joy?
[00:06:39] Do I need to make proactive plans? Do I need to text a friend that I'm struggling? Do I need to lay on the floor for a second? Do I need to close my laptop for the day? Do Part of this owning your needs is owning where you can help and can support people if that is available. One of the things that I've been doing is donating to the [00:07:00] Loveland Foundation, which provides free therapy for black women and girls and free resources for mental health for black women and girls.
[00:07:07] If you can, I invite you to join me in donating. Donating can be a thing that you need to do to just get in motion, and then you might need to just like lay down on your couch and put on the office and, uh, and, and sit for a while. What do you need? Make a list. Start doing the things. F, feel your feelings.
[00:07:26] Uh, this is a tough one, cause the feelings in our bodies can be, uh, intolerable and difficult. And I know that I don't like to feel a lot of things in my body. I know that I, sometimes I'm like, shit, I feel so shitty. What am I going to do about it? I'm just going to feel shitty for, well, Lily, if you sat down and you notice where it was in your body and you took five deep breaths into it, I imagine it would feel different.
[00:07:51] And that's exactly what happens with feeling your feelings. You sit down, you take a deep breath, you You notice where it is in your body, get granular with it. Maybe look [00:08:00] at a feelings wheel, put a name to it. I'm feeling despair or I'm feeling hopelessness or I'm feeling anxiety, whatever it is, notice it in your body.
[00:08:10] Notice where it is. Take some deep breaths into it. Notice. Does it have a texture? Does it have a color? Does it have a size? Does it have a weight? And the more granular with it, you know, Lisa Feld, Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett, um, coined the term emotional granularity and she found that the more aware you can be, the more granular you can be with your, what you're feeling and naming it and then using self compassion as a tool to turn toward that feeling and acknowledge it, the, the more effectively you can move through that emotional experience.
[00:08:41] Set a three minute timer. If you're feeling something big in your body, take some deep breaths into it. Notice where it is, notice the color, texture, shape, weight, and inevitably, as you breathe into it, it will shift and change. And two sentences that I offer myself that I borrow from [00:09:00] Simone Soule are, I'm willing to feel anything to be with you, and there's nothing that you could say, do, or feel that would make me want to stop being your friend.
[00:09:10] I offer those to myself out loud, and I think that'll help you too. And then the final step in SOFT, which is a practice that, um, I use to coach myself and use to coach my clients is thoughts, not facts. Now, this is one that I struggle with because, um, my catastrophizing thoughts, especially in this time and after what has already come to pass in a previous administration, it's hard not to believe every single catastrophizing thought that passes through my brain.
[00:09:40] Both and. My brain, again, your brain. It's job is to predict danger and to protect us from danger. And so it's not very good at actually predicting the future. It's good at protecting us from any possible outcome. And, and, and unfortunately, uh, then those thoughts create [00:10:00] hard as hell feelings that then can spur actions like I'm paralyzed.
[00:10:05] I don't do anything or actions like I doom scroll or actions like, um, I do things that are not. Productive for me caring for myself and moving forward, and then it creates the result of being miserable all the time, period, right? So, thoughts not facts, the final step in S O F T, again, S O F T is self compassion, owning your needs, feeling your feelings.
[00:10:29] Um, so in terms of time, how long will this take? Uh, self compassion, try five minutes owning your needs. Do a need dump on paper. Um, where am I going to donate? What do I need to do to care for myself? Do I need to lay on the floor? Do I need to call a friend take two, three minutes, then feeling your feelings, set a three minute timer.
[00:10:47] Um, so it doesn't need to take that long. And then thoughts, not facts. I would encourage you to brain dump everything that you're thinking on paper, even the big scary thoughts. Instead of engaging in toxic positivity, [00:11:00] I would just do a really like simple baby step reframe for one of those thoughts at a time.
[00:11:07] So if your sort of default thought right now is all is lost and I've got to figure this out right now, Otherwise, danger, danger, like whatever the thought is, or the world is falling apart and I'm still single, I'm never going to find a partner and the world is falling apart. Whatever it is that you're having, the thoughts that you're having.
[00:11:29] These are normal human thoughts designed to keep you safe, right? And we don't know the future. So a baby step reframe could be, I have permission to be in the suck right now. This is a moment of uncertainty and that's really hard, right? Instead of engaging in this is something's going to come of this or instead of engaging in like everything is hopeless forever and always and you know, amen.
[00:11:55] It's like, what if this was just a really uncertain moment? And [00:12:00] human beings go through a lot of uncertain moments and I'm not alone. Like a baby step reframe instead of engaging in toxic positivity. That's what I'm doing of like, this is really hard right now. And I. I'm here for you, period. And then once you go through the sucker, once you allow these hard feelings, once you, you know, acknowledge these hard thoughts and, and engage self compassion, engage owning your needs, engage feeling your feelings, and do a little bit of a baby, baby step reframe instead of toxic positivity, I think that you're all feel a nano bit better.
[00:12:35] And I think that you will be more resourced to come out the other side of this day, this hour, this week, this month. Ready to use your main character energy to not only support yourself, but support people around you that really need your support, right? The, the, my why behind this moment of kind of going into a little bit of a cave for myself and doing SOFT daily and, and, um, [00:13:00] laying down a lot and calling friends and checking in with people that I love.
[00:13:04] And my why is, uh, there's a lot to do. And I deserve care and support and so I hope you can hold that both in for yourself that yeah, there's a lot to do that you can do soon to help people and to start fighting for and with those most marginalized, both and you deserve care and support right now to no matter what.
[00:13:28] All right. I love you. I'm grateful that you're here. I hope that you do an SOFT practice today if that feels supportive or available, and I will talk to you next week. [00:14:00] Bye.