Show transcript:

[00:00:00] Lily: Hey gorgeous friend, if you have been overthinking everything that you say and do in your dating life, if you have been questioning all of your dating decisions to go on a date or to not go on a date, if you’ve been in the cycle of download, delete, download, delete, if you have been stuck in feeling behind in any way in your love life, Then I have something for you.

[00:00:25] This episode is brought to you by my brand new live training coming up on August 13th called three steps to attract the right partner as a late bloomer. It is going to be on zoom. All who register will get the recording. And if you feel behind in If you feel behind in any way in your dating life, whether you have never been on a date, you’ve never been kissed, you’ve never had sex, or you just got out of a 10 year relationship and you don’t know where to start and you feel so behind your peers, or you’ve been in five situations and you feel behind your peers who are in relationships, if you feel behind in any [00:01:00] way, these three steps will help you attract a feminist partner with your main character energy.

[00:01:07] In this live training, you’re going to learn. How to release embarrassment and how to claim everything you want, even if you’ve never been in a relationship to magnetize the right people and disqualify the rest. How to actually attract dates and bless and release the wrong people with ease and without scarcity and mind drama.

[00:01:25] And finally, you’re going to learn how to build an unbothered, joyful dating strategy that eliminates overthinking and overwhelm and attracts the right partner to you. I can’t wait to teach this powerful framework to you at my live training on August 13th. Again, this episode is sponsored by that training, so you can get your seat saved with the link in the description of this episode.

[00:01:48] And I can’t wait to see you there.

[00:01:56] Hey, I’m Lily Womble. Former top matchmaker and founder of [00:02:00] Date Brazen. After setting up hundreds, I realized that with coaching, women could match themselves better than anyone else ever could. With my unconventional feminist approach, I’ve helped women around the world build courageous and self trust filled love lives.

[00:02:12] And now I’m here to support you. Get ready because I’m about to show you the exact steps you need to attract a soul quenching partnership and feel amazing about yourself along the way. This is the Date Brazen podcast. Hey, gorgeous friends. Welcome to another episode of the Date Brazen podcast. I am so glad that you are here.

[00:02:31] Today we are going to talk about the nine myths that you have been believing about yourself as a late bloomer, quote unquote, late bloomer, and exactly how to release those myths to step https: otter. ai

[00:02:49] Okay. So these nine myths were taken, sort of, I summarized them from my clients inside of my proven feminist as hell group coaching [00:03:00] program called Main Character Dating. And in Main Character Dating, formerly known as the Brazen Breakthrough, we are really creating joyful dating lives for our clients. We are helping them step into the most easeful, joyful, love life season that is epic and subtle proof.

[00:03:17] And it magnetizes the right people to them with both mindset and strategy work. So inside of that program, there are people who, uh, feel like they’re shedding their late bloomer identity. There are people who just got out of a 10 year relationship. And, uh, what I have seen across the board with my clients and honestly with Everybody in my community is that they feel behind other people in their lives who are coupled.

[00:03:44] They feel like in their love life, like the rest of their life is so brilliant and they’ve created so many amazing things, but in their love life, it’s like the one area that they can’t figure out the one area that they feel so behind in. And especially. Especially for those who feel like late bloomers, as I did, [00:04:00] I didn’t date much as an adult.

[00:04:01] I didn’t have sex until I was 25 for a lot of people who feel like late bloomers. There’s so much shame and like isolation because there’s a message, a couple of messages out there that are rooted in patriarchal conditioning. One coupled women are ahead of single women. Okay. Then we have the message that you should have figured this out by now.

[00:04:25] This is so quote, easy for other people. Why haven’t you figured it out? Right. When I hadn’t had sex and I was 25, I was like, I felt a lot of shame. I felt like it’s embarrassing that people have figured this out and I haven’t. And that shame did what shame does, which is try to keep you safe from rejection by making you shrink.

[00:04:46] And making you go into your little hidey hole. And so I hope today’s episode helps you bring your fears into the light and feels like a warm big hug from me and also gives you a little pep talk or a [00:05:00] big kick in the pants to get you moving. Because in this episode, I’m going to debunk the nine myths that you are currently believing about being a quote, late bloomer.

[00:05:08] And again, that means to me, anybody that feels behind in any area of their love life. So we’re going to talk about the myths. I’m going to debunk them. And I’m also going to give you very practical solutions for these fears and myths to start moving forward and to start shedding the late bloomer identity.

[00:05:27] So thank you to my clients who shared your thoughts. Obviously all of, you know, all of these are, um, more generalized and less specific to individual clients. These are just the, like the. Themes and trends that I’ve seen from gathering data from my clients and community members for the last seven years being a feminist dating coach.

[00:05:48] So myth number one, I worry about talking about my lack of prior long term relationships and spend a lot of energy on this. They’re going to find out and think I’m [00:06:00] weird. This theme came up again and again and again. They’re going to find out and think that I’m weird. They’re going to find out and think that I’m weird.

[00:06:06] What’s happening there? Okay. You are beating. people to the punch of rejecting you by rejecting yourself by calling yourself weird. But that fear is doing a very good job of protecting you because you what haven’t been putting yourself out there and that’s okay. It’s understandable based on how you were taught to date.

[00:06:26] Of course you would want to hide. Of course you would want to shrink and think, Oh, I’m weird. I better not talk about my past romantic life or lack of romantic life because that’s going to mean Here’s the reframe of this myth. Everybody has romantic History. You have romantic history, even if that romantic history is just a crush.

[00:06:45] And yeah, some people may have had five relationships, 10 relationships by age 30, age 40, age 50, whatever. What if these timelines were all made up? What if I don’t have experience and that’s weird? [00:07:00] What if you gave yourself more credit here? You have relationships with people. You have created relationships in your life and kept them around friendships and colleague relationships, right?

[00:07:11] Your romantic life. It is optional to shrink from dating because you think that, like, it’s weird that you don’t have experience. The right person is going to be so excited that you came into their life. The right person, let’s imagine, even in, let’s neutralize it with a friend example. Let’s say you meet somebody and you just click as friends.

[00:07:31] You just have a connection and you feel so connected. Care for in their presence and you feel just like, Oh my God, I can’t believe I feel like I’ve known you for my whole life. And of course we’re going to be such close friends. That kind of person, whatever they’ve been through before they met you, you feel so lucky that they’ve entered your life.

[00:07:48] Same same with the right romantic partner. Rejection of self that’s happening when you label your, quote, lack of experience as weird and it’s the reason they’re going to reject me. That kind [00:08:00] of rejection of self only perpetuates a cycle of you playing small, shrinking, and not taking messy action for your desires.

[00:08:07] And I’m saying, yeah, all of us are weird. There’s, like, we’re all, we all have these experiences in our lives that, you know, feel complicated to talk about with a new person, especially romantically, like, what if you just normalized that shit? And said, like, I get to share my romantic experience or my, um, even like neutralizing lack of romantic experience, just saying like, I get to share my romantic experience, my romantic history when I feel comfortable.

[00:08:35] And then also something that I really do with my clients every single day is helping them prepare to tell someone about their romantic history, especially if they don’t have very much of it. And so what we do, we do a little role playing inside of my program and we say like, okay, let’s, let’s, let’s play.

[00:08:52] Let’s play. I’m, I’m the person you’re on a date with and you’re you. And I ask like, Oh, cause to tell me about like when you last went out with somebody and [00:09:00] they are so nervous and they’re like, Oh my God, I don’t want to, I don’t want to do this Lily. And I’m like, you got to practice. You got to say it out loud to practice.

[00:09:05] So it doesn’t feel as scary. And then what they say is like, I actually haven’t had much romantic history. I, I haven’t dated very much. And then I respond with like the worst case scenario, which is like, Oh, why is that? That’s weird. Why don’t you have much history? And then they realize that most people are not going to respond that way.

[00:09:22] And if they do, they are immediately disqualified. They are immediately disqualified. They have seen themselves out. They are not worthy of your hard time, bless and release. Then we do the second scenario where it goes fine. It goes as it will most of the time when you’re across the table from the right people, which is.

[00:09:41] Why, you know, tell me about your romantic life. Like how’s it been going? And then they respond and say, Oh, well, I haven’t had a ton of experience. And I say, Oh, well, you know, tell me more. Why is that? And then they say, Oh, well, you know, I’ve really been focusing on my career or dating felt scary because of how I was raised or, you know, I, I just didn’t [00:10:00] get around to dating, but I’m excited to be dating intentionally now.

[00:10:04] Boom. There you go. If you just give yourself permission to be a human being in this process. To be figuring this out, then you can release the self judgment of, I’m weird, they’re going to reject me because I’m weird. So that’s myth number one, debunked. Number two, fear of looking ridiculous, like I should know how to do this by now.

[00:10:28] I’m worried there’s a secret language I don’t know. If I don’t know, I’ll be ratted out as some kind of imposter. So good. I hear this all the time. First of all. There is a skill set to dating. It is a learnable skill set. Why are you shaming yourself, gorgeous friends, for not yet knowing a skill set? If you had a skill set, now I know why.

[00:10:50] It’s because the message has been permeated into our culture and society that you should have known how to do this by now, that you should be partnered by now, that there’s something weird about you, right? Those messages, I [00:11:00] want you to like, acknowledge them, but also acknowledge that they’re not, they don’t belong to you.

[00:11:05] They are not the capital T truth. They are the impact. Those messages of you should be coupled by now are the impact of a culture that treats single women as behind coupled women. They’re the impact of a culture and a patriarchal society that is a very heteronormative, very, um, you know, honestly, homophobic, transphobic, ableist, racist.

[00:11:30] Right? All of these forces of oppression have sort of combined in a blender to create a culture in which single women are treated as there’s something wrong with them if they aren’t coupled yet. And I felt this in growing up at age 20, 21. It’s weird that I haven’t had an adult boyfriend yet. It’s weird that I don’t have that physical experience yet.

[00:11:51] It’s weird that, right? So in terms of the like secret language, you don’t know, it’s just a skill set. Okay, so let’s neutralize it. It’s like saying, I [00:12:00] want to learn how to speak French and then you could respond if you lived in a society that everybody speaks French, you could be like, oh, I’m behind and it’s not, I’m, I’m just so behind and it’s embarrassing and there’s a secret language, I don’t know, or if you’re living in another place where you’re not like, just neutralize it, like, oh, I just need to take French class.

[00:12:20] It’s a skill set, period. Um, and ratted out as some kind of imposter, look, what are you making it mean that you haven’t found the right relationship yet? You’re probably making it mean that you have something wrong with you, which is, you know, where shame comes in the feeling of shame. And so what I’d offer to that is like, self compassion will heal that.

[00:12:41] Self compassion is not just a fluffy saying, it is a proven resource out of a 2014 study at Stanford that has proven to reduce cortisol and increase resilience. And those are two things that you definitely need to build the skill set of dating effectively. And the skill set of dating is essentially the skill set of main character energy.

[00:12:59] Main [00:13:00] character energy is just owning what you want, giving yourself permission to want it, trusting yourself, or learning the skill of self trust. When I sh when I show up and trust myself I’m doing the right thing, or it’s possible and I I’m I’m okay if I trust I have my own back, right? Self trust. And then three, massive action.

[00:13:16] Those three things make up main character energy, also make up a dating strategy. Now there are like tools within the dating world that I teach every single day that I teach on this podcast, but essentially the quote secret language you don’t know is the skill set of main character energy, which you get to learn right now.

[00:13:34] And by the way, other people may not, may have like done dating, may have landed in a relationship randomly. They may have figured this out at age whatever, but there are other skill sets that those people are learning. Maybe if they’re in a relationship, they’re learning the skill of self trust right now, or they’re learning how to practice self compassion because they beat themselves up in their brain every single day, or they doubt themselves so hardcore and they feel anxious all [00:14:00] the time, and they’re working on neutralizing that anxiety.

[00:14:01] This work that we talk about in the podcast is preparing in the off season for what is to come. Myth number three. If I was attractive, if I was really attractive, wouldn’t they have asked me out by now? Oooo! This is so juicy. If, this is basically saying, if it were gonna happen, why hasn’t it happened already?

[00:14:24] And then your brain makes up a story to protect you that there’s some bigger reason at play that it hasn’t happened for you. And then your brain makes up a story that you’re broken or that something’s wrong with you. These are thoughts, not facts. These are thoughts, not facts. Okay, why is your brain having these thoughts to literally survive?

[00:14:44] Why? Because our culture treats coupled women as ahead of single women and you have learned to survive by fitting in and being single at your age or whatever age you are at feels like Kind of like a life sentence of loneliness in some ways. That’s how I felt. Anyway, when I [00:15:00] was told like, you’re too much, you’re going to have a hard time finding a husband at age 12.

[00:15:04] I felt like, Oh, I’m a late bloomer immediately. I’m already behind because my personality is too much. And then that led into late bloomer identity as an adult and not having found a relationship or founding love and finding love and not having sex yet and feeling so behind and trying and failing. And, and there were literally y’all two separate times when I was going out with a guy and, uh, before I realized I was bi, before I came out to myself and my loved ones, when I was dating guys and literally two of them in a row expressed interest, asked me out on a date.

[00:15:46] We had a great time. Or they, whatever the date didn’t happen eventually, but both of these guys, like, were like, I’d love to like hook up and like, and I was like, well, I haven’t had sex yet. I shared, I was honest. I was open. I was like, I feel like a late [00:16:00] bloomer. I haven’t shared yet. I haven’t had sex yet.

[00:16:02] And then they were like, we got closer to. Hooking up. And then they literally were like, no, I’m good. I don’t want to do this anymore. Two times in a row. So I get the thought, wow, something must be wrong with me that this has now happened two times in a row. Wow. I must be repulsive because two times in a row this has happened.

[00:16:22] Why is this happening to me? I must be the problem. I must be broken. My personality must be too much. My brain defaulted to those self protective old thoughts and old neural pathways. In order to keep me safe, the truth was much more vulnerable and scary because it felt out of my control. When I blamed myself, I felt more in control, but the truth was you just haven’t met the right people yet.

[00:16:49] The truth was this is just really hard right now and those people were wrong for you. The truth was this exact moment isn’t the exact moment that you’re going to shed that late bloomer identity and [00:17:00] that’s okay. That was the truth. Right. But my brain wanted to be more in control. And so it defaulted to the self blame.

[00:17:08] So to the myth, if I was attractive, wouldn’t they ask me out by now? The truth is you just haven’t met the right people yet. The truth is your fear and potentially your shame has been keeping you stuck in a cycle of shrinking and hiding from opportunity. And that is the pattern that you get to rewrite with main character energy and with this coaching.

[00:17:30] Number four. I literally think if they show me or tell me that they like me, there’s probably something wrong with them. Oh my god. I thought this too. I thought this too. When I got to know my now husband, Chris, and uh, we, Started dating and he was like, you know, before we started dating, he had expressed that he had a crush on me to our mutual friend and at the time I was ending a toxic situation ship.

[00:17:58] It was not going [00:18:00] well. I was needing to heal like all those things. But I heard that he had a crush on me and I was like, okay. not trusting of it. I was like, what’s wrong with exactly what this says. What’s wrong with him that he wants to be with me. Okay. What’s wrong? Because I know that I’m the thought in my head was, I know I’m too much.

[00:18:17] I know that I am a lot like who would want to be with me. There’s probably something wrong with them if they like me. This goes back to the self judgment piece, which is judging yourself for being a late bloomer creates an environment in which you don’t trust anybody who wants to be with you. So what do you do?

[00:18:35] You just got to neutralize that late bloomer identity and step more into a baby step reframe of it might be possible that people want to be with me, period. It might be possible that I’m attractive to the right people. Now, then my clients and people I speak to get kind of caught up and like, but nobody’s been attracted to me yet.

[00:18:59] And to that, I say, [00:19:00] you actually don’t know that you don’t have the data on every single person you’ve ever interfaced with as an adult human to know that. So sure, somebody might be attracted to you and you’re not into them, right? That also doesn’t mean anything. It just means somebody was attracted to you.

[00:19:15] Okay. Thank you. More, please. Not this person. Bless and release. But to heal that thought. If someone likes me, there’s something probably wrong with them. You first have to, like, really soften your own reaction to your brain. And stop being so dang hard on yourself. Stop judging yourself for being a, quote, late bloomer.

[00:19:36] And you’ll start opening up to the possibility of somebody being into you and start opening up to even more connection, even deeper connection with yourself and others. Because the right person is going to be so freaking into you. And it’s time you start envisioning that. It’s time you start, just like your friend who you met and it felt kismet and you were like, Oh my God, I can’t believe we haven’t known each other before now.

[00:19:57] Feel so connected to you. I love being around you. [00:20:00] Let’s go to Disney world or let’s go to Montreal or let’s go on a, like a big trip together. I love hanging out with you, right? Just like, you’re like, Oh my God. This feels so good. I feel so easeful. I feel so connected to you as a friend. Let us, may we all have a friendship like that.

[00:20:15] And if you don’t, there are episodes on building friendships like that. And I also recommend the work of Danielle Bayer Jackson and Blake Blankenbeckler. They have both been on the Date Brazen podcast, but I digress. Just start envisioning what it will be like to be around somebody who loves being around you romantically.

[00:20:34] Just give it a little one minute vision. One minute. What does it feel like on that date? When you’re having a great connected time? What does it feel like to be in their presence? How are they looking at you? How do they smile? How do they laugh? Right? When they feel lucky to be around you, how do they act?

[00:20:53] When you start envisioning it as if it might be real one day, It will start becoming real one day, [00:21:00] and you will start to notice the evidence around you that people do actually enjoy being around you, that people actually are attracted to you, and you can say thank you more please. And again, a lot of people who are attracted to you, you might not be attracted to.

[00:21:12] That’s not a problem. It’s just life. So, what do you do? Say thank you more please? There might be more of this. More is possible. This is evidence that more exists of me being attractive and for somebody to be like a good fit for me. Maybe that exists. Number five. I’ve never had sex and that’s embarrassing.

[00:21:32] The idea that penetrative sex or that sex in general means something about you as a human being is, is, is false. Now, it might be reflective like it was for me of a purity upbringing that I was deconstructing. Um, the, the, I, for me being raised in this like love waits, abstinence only Alabama culture, I had a ton of ideas about [00:22:00] sex and intimacy to deconstruct and unpack in therapy with friends.

[00:22:04] And that was really hard and worthy work for me that allowed me to come into greater freedom. In my sex life as an adult later on now, I think that that was my reason for not have had not having sex. But then when I entered my twenties and I started like dating and trying to date, I was I felt like a late bloomer.

[00:22:22] I was doing it unsuccessfully. I was like bumbling around like, Oh, Like meeting people and wanting to go on a date, but not knowing how to like ask them out or they asked me out and then they changed their mind and then they ghosted. And it was just like, so confusing. I always felt like I was doing something wrong and I felt like I was getting it wrong.

[00:22:40] And, and so in that case, I was like, I’m ready to have sex. I want to have sex. It just, those opportunities aren’t presenting themselves. Do you know what I would have said to myself? If I could go back to that, Lily, I would have said, Lily, figure out how you want to feel with the right person. That’s essence based preferences.

[00:22:55] I have so many episodes on that. If you haven’t listened already, figure out your [00:23:00] boundaries. Okay, what is okay? What is not okay? Get prepared for people to be into you and then start taking massive, messy, courageous action with people IRL and online to ask them deeper questions, qualify and disqualify them, like ask them on dates, get in your fuck around, main character energy, and it will come.

[00:23:22] So if you think about this idea of like connecting with others and knowing if you want to have sex with them or not and, and, and moving forward in your love life, like if you just think of it as a skill set that you are building and not the old patriarchal skill set that your mom tried to impart upon you, not the weird like rigid rules that your coworker said you should follow, but your best path forward based on your brain, your needs, your body, your past, your self compassion, like that plan.

[00:23:51] Is the skill set that I’m going to help you build. So I’ve never had sex and that’s embarrassing. I would ask you to like, obviously feel the feelings, you know, all [00:24:00] about, if I’m willing to feel anything, then I become unstoppable, right? My favorite Simone soul quote, uh, I’m willing to feel anything to be with you.

[00:24:07] There’s nothing you could say to her feel that would make me want to stop being your friend, feel the embarrassment. It’s just a feeling. It’s not a fact both. And it might be possible that this is just a skill set that I’m learning on how to connect with people, the right person. It’s going to be so excited to be naked with me.

[00:24:24] The right person is going to be so excited that I just entered their life. And when I tell them, Hey, I haven’t had sex yet. Yeah. It might be a conversation about like, Oh, why is that? You know? Oh, if you’re 35 or if you’re 25 whatever it is, you might talk about. Why that is, if you feel comfortable, like why it felt nerve wracking to have sex or what led to, you know, sort of a, um, you having sex for the first time at this point, but neutralizing the, like, I’m behind of it all will really allow you to take more empowered action forward.

[00:24:55] Because in my experience, I was 25 before I had sex. And yeah, it was a conversation with [00:25:00] people. I disclosed upfront if I wanted to have sex with somebody, I wanted them to know so that I could better be emotionally taken care of for myself. That was my path forward. It doesn’t have to be yours, but I just think that like, it’s, I’m not going to say it’s not embarrassing because your feelings are your feelings and you get to have them as my friend Megan Saxelby says, but I am going to say I’ve never had sex both.

[00:25:22] And I’m learning how to release embarrassment about it. That’s what I want to impart to you as a baby step reframe. Yeah, the next one, number six. Sometimes I wonder if people can sense my feeling behind and judge me for it. Look, some people might judge you for it and they’re the wrong people for you.

[00:25:39] Bless and release. What if you just allowed the wrong people to be the wrong people for you and didn’t internalize their thoughts about you? Now look, easier said than done. As a recovering people pleaser, as somebody who has very much Often, I was going to say on occasion, obsessed about what do people think about me?

[00:25:55] What do people think about me? That’s normal. Why? Because we want to be safe. And, [00:26:00] note it. When you are out and about, here’s how to solve for this myth. Here’s how to debunk it. Here’s how to release it. When you’re out and about, you need to notice when your brain is having the thought. Can people note, can people sense that I feel behind and they judge me for it?

[00:26:12] Notice that thought and say, That’s a thought, not a fact. Like literally just say that to yourself. That’s a thought, not a fact. And I, I’m going to be very honest with you. Everybody is the main character of their own movie and people aren’t thinking about you that much. Okay. People are not thinking about you that much.

[00:26:30] And the right people again, are going to feel so lucky that they found you. So lucky to be with you. Number seven, other people naturally know how to have or how to deepen romantic relationships. And I’m just missing that information and skill again. So it doesn’t mean anything about you. It just means that you want to learn something new, just like somebody who is miserable in their career for the first 15 years of their career.

[00:26:59] realizes [00:27:00] that they were taught that they needed to be miserable in their career in order to succeed. They’ve been hustling. They’ve been really working up the ladder. They’ve been neglecting their own self care and neglecting their own boundaries. They’ve been viciously running up the, running up the hill toward what they think they want with the promotion and whatever.

[00:27:17] And maybe it is what they want and that’s totally okay. But when they reach that mountaintop of the promotion, they look around and say like, Oh shit, I didn’t learn the scale of boundary setting and now I feel miserable. Right? So they might judge themselves for getting to the top of the mountain without any boundaries and without any like self care or self trust.

[00:27:35] So then they have to learn that skill in order to build the next phase of their career that they want. Same, same with your love life. This is just a skill set that you get to learn. And who the fuck would have taught you it? Who would have taught you how to own your preferences, how to ask for what you want, how to release embarrassment and shame, how to have your own back in your dating life?

[00:27:59] How to ask people [00:28:00] out and just be in your main character energy. Who would have taught you that? Especially considering the legacies of women in your life, in your family who literally had to settle in order to economically thrive or survive, who, who potentially had to, no, maybe they didn’t have to settle.

[00:28:17] Maybe your parents got together and they’re deeply in love, what have you. But I just want to point out that it wasn’t until 50 years ago that a woman could get a credit card without her husband’s permission. Shred. That’s just one example of how economic mobility was limited for single women. And if we just use that one example and extrapolate from there, of course, there has not been enough conversation about how women cannot settle.

[00:28:46] Adding another factor in, if we look at why might our culture be pressuring people to be coupled, specifically women? Especially with cishet men. Why might our culture be pressuring women into doing that? Why might, you know, [00:29:00] Oh, because we need more labor for the workforce. It might feel a little conspiratorial, but I’m just saying that there’s a reason that our culture has pressured you into knowing what to do by now and who would have taught you a more easeful way forward that is rooted in you trusting yourself and being your own answer.

[00:29:17] Nobody. So, no. It’s time to just like really bless and release all of the rigid, dumb dating rules that you were taught. Really work on processing and releasing that shame with the skill of self compassion, with the skill of like feeling your feelings. I talk about it in so many other episodes so that you can actually move forward on your terms.

[00:29:40] Okay. Number eight, dealing with other people’s bullshit, meaning people who like foist upon you. You’ve only slept with one person. You’ve only been on one date. Bless and release those people. Don’t talk to them about your dating life ever again. They are disqualified from supporting you. They are just in your dating life.

[00:29:56] They are disqualified from supporting you. Um, maybe [00:30:00] anywhere. And that judgment is not yours, it’s theirs. And so as much as you can, imagine them like giving you a gift that is like something you really don’t want, like, like a, like a plastic blow up dinosaur doll that is really ugly and not cute at all.

[00:30:20] They’re giving you this thing and you can like literally imagine giving it back to them. That’s you giving back their bullshit to them and saying like, that doesn’t belong to me. Their judgment is their judgment. And like, Sure, in our culture, single people should have, should have quote, figured this out by now.

[00:30:37] Should have figured out dating, should have figured out sex, whatever. As we have discussed at length in this episode, of course, a lot of people suck when it comes to being kind in response to your experience. A lot of people suck in response to, um, hard, vulnerable things that you share and, and it feels like, ouch, like, ouch, your response really hurt my feelings.

[00:30:59] And those are [00:31:00] valid feelings, like. If you feel hurt by that person saying you’ve only slept with one person, you’ve been only been on one date. The problem is when you take that one moment and make it mean everything about you and what’s possible and see that thought was right, that I am behind. It is embarrassing.

[00:31:16] I should just shrink and hide. They were just the wrong people for you. They were just the wrong friends for you. Bless and release. Okay, let me and the legion of other badasses in this community be evidence enough that where you are is okay, that you’re not broken, that it is possible to stop self judgment in its tracks.

[00:31:41] It is possible to actually celebrate every win. No one is too small. It’s possible to learn this skill set without shame or self judgment. Like, it’s possible. You’re not alone. And I hope this episode feels like that validation. Final myth, number [00:32:00] nine, that it won’t happen. I will never bloom. Do you feel this way?

[00:32:07] If you do, you’re not alone. Literally somebody, many people have told me this, but what if I’m never, what if I’m a never bloomer? What if I, it’s just never going to happen. And then people say to me, like, but Lily, like, there are just people who don’t meet somebody and like, that’s their life. And that’s like, that’s totally fine.

[00:32:23] And what if I’m one of those people that never meet somebody? Sure. Yeah. I hear you. Both and most people have a love in their life. And why not you? There’s nothing wrong with you. Maybe you haven’t bloomed because of shame. Maybe you haven’t bloomed because you feel so alone, right? If we imagine what conditions a flower needs to bloom, there’s timing.

[00:32:48] Every flower’s timing is its own. Now we’re getting into a little bit of a cheesy metaphor, but go with me. Every flower’s timing is different. It can be frustrating when you look around and it’s like, why have all these flowers [00:33:00] bloomed? And I haven’t, I feel like a little bud still, which is where I would point you to where we’re going to like bounce off of this flower metaphor and exit the flower metaphor.

[00:33:12] There are places in your life where you have bloomed, where you have learned new skill sets. Where you have seen change happen, where you have stepped into a new paradigm, where you have attracted something that you didn’t think existed, whether in your career or in your friendship life. Why is dating so different?

[00:33:30] It’s not. Odds are in the right environment, you will bloom. And blooming to me means allowing yourself to take up space with your desires, allowing yourself to know what you want, allowing yourself to ask for it out loud and often, allowing yourself to take messy action. So maybe your expectations of blooming have been met.

[00:33:53] Sort of warped by our culture’s expectation of women and people socialized as women. Maybe you need to [00:34:00] rethink what blooming will look like for you. Blooming doesn’t necessarily mean landing in a relationship tomorrow. Blooming means how can I be the main character of my love story? Period. What support do I need?

[00:34:14] What affirmation do I need? What mindset work? What strategy do I need? Period. So that won’t happen. I’ll never bloom. Not when you show up and just look at other areas of your life where you’ve shown up for something different and something different has happened, right? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over again and expecting a different result.

[00:34:40] So if you continue to do the same thing in your dating life, yeah, you, you, you might not feel like you bloom. However, if you listen to this episode and you take notes and you like. Start implementing some of these strategies like self compassion, like noticing your thoughts as thoughts, not facts, like learning the skill of main character energy, like [00:35:00] learning the skill of in person dating or online dating.

[00:35:02] If you show up for your desires. You are blooming. So that’s what I’ll leave with you with today. When you show up for your desires, you are blooming. And the right relationship is the bonus that comes as a result of that. That’s what happened for me. Thank you more plays to conversations like these. I hope that this episode felt like a sigh of relief in a way, and also galvanized you to take action for your own desires right now.

[00:35:30] So, You can either register for my live training coming up on August 13th called How to Attract the Right Partner as a Lake Bloomer, or you can go see what it’s like to work with me at datebrazen. com. I can’t wait to support you. You can also pick up my book, which just released on August 13th. June 11th called Thank You More Please, A Feminist Guide to Breaking Dumb Dating Rules and Finding Love.

[00:35:53] It is so good. And especially folks who have considered themselves late bloomers has said it is such an [00:36:00] affirmation. It has helped them release so much shame. It gives them exact action steps and I know you’re going to love it too. So go to datebrazen. com slash book or buy it anywhere you buy your books.

[00:36:09] I love you. I’m grateful for you and uh, I’ll talk to you next week. Bye.