Nervous about sending a DM to a cutie or asking somebody on a date? If you answered yes, then this week’s episode is for you.   Lily explores the mindset shifts and practical steps needed to step out of your comfort zone and shoot your shot! Whether sliding into those DMs or asking someone out face-to-face, this episode is your guide to overcoming the nerves and getting what you want. 

Grab your pen and paper, and get ready to take notes. By the end of this episode, you’ll be ready to revolutionize your approach to dating. Asking for more of what you want leads to more of what you desire. This episode is part strategy and part hype. You’ve got this, and Lily’s got your back! 

You’ll learn:

• “The only thing separating you from getting what you want is your willingness to ask for it out loud.”

• Shooting your shot is about giving your permission to be the main character of your story

• How to get over the paralyzing fear of asking for what you want

• The role permission, self-trust, and courageous action play when shooting your shot

• It’s not about doing it perfectly. It’s about doing the thing.

• Your job is to pursue what you want, trust your desire, and take messy, courageous action toward those desires.

Links:
Pre-order Lily’s upcoming book, Thank You, More Please!

Show transcript:

[00:00:00] Lily Hello, gorgeous friends. Welcome to another episode of the date brazen podcast. I’m so glad that you’re here today. We were talking about shooting your shot. We’re talking about how to shoot your shot. And, uh, I’m going to get into the mindset of shooting your shot. We’re going to get into how to in actuality, do something courageous that feels super scary for your love life.

[00:00:25] And, uh, ultimately like how to get you more of what you want. By shooting your shot more often. So if you’re nervous to like send the DM to the cutie, or if you’re nervous to ask somebody on a date, or if you’re nervous to fill in the blank in your dating life, this episode is for you. And it’ll be another note taker.

[00:00:45] So get your notes up, ready, get a pen and paper ready, like get ready. Cause this episode is going to change the game or how you show up in your dating life. And speaking of changing the game. I am so pumped that Thank You More Please is on [00:01:00] pre order. You’re going to hear me talking about it because I love this book so much.

[00:01:03] Thank You More Please, A Feminist Guide to Breaking Dumb Dating Rules and Finding Love is available now everywhere books are sold for pre order. It comes out in June 11th, 2024. And the amazing juicy thing about preordering is that I have the best preorder bonus, if I do say so myself, called the thank you more, please club, where we do live coaching calls every single month, me and the thank you more, please club members.

[00:01:31] I am teaching about. Thank you more. Please challenge how to attract a juicy date in person in 30 days, how to build your essence based preferences so that you settle proof your dating life, how to this upcoming month’s training. Is all about co conspirators and how to do in person dating with the right co conspirator, how to ask your friend to be a co conspirator, how to really help them be an expert matchmaker for you.

[00:01:57] I’m giving you the secret sauce that is [00:02:00] also inside the book because I want you to get results in your love life before the book hits your doorstep. And so you can sign up for the Thank You More Plays Club, which has these live calls. You have the recordings from the past live calls and the Juiciest workbooks.

[00:02:14] You also get a podcast listening guide with the top 10 areas that I am seeing people really struggling in their dating lives and what exact Date Brazen podcast episodes to listen to, to triage support and move forward fast. So go to datebrazen. com slash book to pre order anywhere. Books are sold and then come to datebrazen.

[00:02:36] com book to sign up for the preorder bonus. It is super simple to do. It takes about five minutes. And once you buy, thank you more, please. You get immediate access to the thank you more, please club and the podcast listening guide and the recordings from past calls and the workbooks and the calendar for upcoming live calls all in our portal.

[00:02:55] When you enter your receipt details at date, brazen. com slash book. And [00:03:00] with that, let’s get into the episode.

[00:03:07] Hey, I’m Lily Wanville, former top matchmaker and founder of date brazen. After setting up hundreds, I realized that with coaching women could match themselves. Better than anyone else ever could. With my unconventional feminist approach, I’ve helped women around the world build courageous and self-trust, build love lives.

[00:03:22] And now I’m here to support you. Get ready ’cause I’m about to share the exact steps you need to attract a soul quenching partnership and feel amazing about yourself along the way. This is the Date Brazen podcast. Today I am talking to you about shooting your shot. I believe to the core of my being that the only thing separating you from getting what you want is your willingness to ask for it out loud.

[00:03:48] Think about a job that you really want. If you went about that job and you’re like, I don’t know, maybe, or you were like, I’ll, I’ll let them come to me. I don’t know if I’m right. That’s [00:04:00] about deeper fear or deeper fear that I’m not worthy of what I want or that somebody is going to think you’re not worthy of that job or you’re not qualified enough for that job.

[00:04:09] And those thoughts are very normal human protective mechanisms, especially in in person dating, especially in shooting your shot anywhere romantically. The thought that you might have is, what if they laugh at me, or what if they look me up and down, I’m not their type, or what if they’re not single? What if I shoot my shot and they’re coupled?

[00:04:29] That’s so embarrassing. So I’m here to first give you permission to neutralize all of that shit. None of that is your business. What your business is, it’s living your life in this one precious life, your business. So what if they’re coupled and you ask them out and they say, Oh, I’m married, sorry, whatever, whatever.

[00:04:53] Thank you. More pleased to being courageous. If you think about the job that you want. When you ask for what you want out loud, you ask [00:05:00] your mentors, you ask your network, you ask your, you ask people in interviews, like, Hey, I want this. Here it is. Put it on the table. And what are your thoughts? Right? When you open the conversation with, here’s what I want, or here’s what I’m bringing to the table.

[00:05:12] Here’s what I’m after. Here’s what I desire. You’re so much more likely to get the kind of job that you want, right? Because you’re audacious enough to ask for it. Same, same for romantic shooting your shotness. I want you, I’m going to get into like the framework of shooting your shot and how to actually do it.

[00:05:30] And I want to challenge you to do it starting this week, starting like today. When you listen to this episode, this episode is part strategy, part item here to fucking hype you up. There is nothing I love more than hyping people up to shoot their shot because you know what happens when you shoot your shot?

[00:05:50] What happens is either you get what you want, a date, a cute conversation. a relationship, a flirty, [00:06:00] fun, frothy thing, a fling. Either you get what you want or you shoot your shot and it doesn’t lead to exactly what you want, but you feel really freaking proud of yourself. When I was single before I met Chris after one of my toxic relationships and I broke up and before I met Chris, like in the time between I left my number for a really cute waiter and I was doing this work on myself.

[00:06:25] I was my first client. I was feeling free and flirty and in my main character energy and I wanted to vomit. I literally had to go to the bathroom to like take deep breaths because I felt nauseous. I had been flirting with this waiter. My friend was like, you should leave your number. You should leave your number.

[00:06:38] You should leave your number. And I literally was like, Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God, what am I going to do? And I did it and I left my number. He ended up texting. We ended up going on a date. It did not lead to a love connection. Totally fine. But I became, I had never done something like that before. And in that moment of leaving my number, I became [00:07:00] the version of myself who gave herself permission to want what she wanted and take action for it.

[00:07:05] I became the main character energy version of myself who trusts her desires and who takes massive, messy, courageous action towards it. I became the version of myself in that moment. Who doesn’t give a shit about the response, but does it because it’s for me. It was for me to leave my number. It wasn’t necessarily like, this is the last shot that I have.

[00:07:27] No, shooting your shot is about giving yourself permission to be the main character of your story. I think so many folks are paralyzed by the fear. So let’s get into how to get over the paralyzing fear of shooting your shot. This is the my main character energy framework. I teach it in some of my programs.

[00:07:45] I teach this inside main character energy mastermind. I teach it inside of the brazen breakthrough. I talk about it in my book Thank you more, please a feminist guide to breaking up dating rules of finding love. So main character energy is three things It’s [00:08:00] not like someone has it and you don’t It is a practice.

[00:08:03] It is a set of skills. It is an engagement. It is not a static state of being. It is not that you are somehow less a main character than someone else in your life. It’s just your thoughts. And belief about yourself that is separating you from actually being the main character of your story. And luckily, that is figure outable, friend!

[00:08:26] So, three things to main character energy. Number one, permission. Number two, self trust. Number three, massive, messy, courageous action. These are the three things that you need to shoot your fucking shot. Asking people out. Leaving your number for the waiter. Having a flirty conversation and saying thank you more, please, under your breath afterwards.

[00:08:43] DMing somebody. I had my client, Karen, DMed a guy she found cute on TikTok and it led to a flirty conversation. Didn’t lead to a date because she got the information she needed that, oh, this is not for me. But she got that information because she shot her shot. You know what she didn’t do? [00:09:00] Think about it forever.

[00:09:02] Worry about whether or not the person would respond. Worry about whether or not their lack of response said anything about her or her worthiness or whatever. No, she was just like, fuck it, I’m gonna shoot my shot. That’s another piece, overarchingly, that I am teaching my clients inside of my Brazen Breakthrough program.

[00:09:19] That I want you to start living in your life. You need some fuckaround energy. Yes, I’m all about intentionality. Yes, I’m all about you knowing your essence based preferences, knowing how to bless and release with ease and without mind drama, and then going out and being intentional. Fuckaround energy is additive to intentionality.

[00:09:39] When you have the intentionality, it’s sort of like, I used to play the flute and I really want to play the flute. Side note, I really want to get a flute and play the flute. When you see me online playing a flute that I own, you know, I’ve really made it in my own head. I’ve really made it now. I feel great about where I am, but I really want a flute.

[00:09:56] Anyway, I digress that I’m picky. I’m a snob about the flutes because I knew what [00:10:00] it was like to play a nice one when I was a kid because I used to the girl who was the first year I used to play your flute. But this is major digression. Is that a word? Okay, so when you learn music, you got to learn the arpeggios.

[00:10:11] You got to learn the scales. You got to practice them all the time. You got to know the basics. You got to know the foundation. You got to know those basics before you can start improvising and fuck around energy is sort of the improv of after, you know, your essence based purposes, the foundation, the blessed release strategy, then once you know those things, you could start improvising and fucking around to see what your fuck around energy, what your main character energy feels like.

[00:10:36] Can be so freeing to be in fuck around energy, and it’s not necessarily like messy in the way of like chaotic. It’s not talking about putting yourself in harm’s way. I’m literally just talking about like, what if you were like, fuck it, I have everything to gain here. Let’s go. Okay, so let’s get into permission, self trust and massive, messy, courageous [00:11:00] action with the blanket of fuck around energy on all of this.

[00:11:02] We’re just in play mode. This gets to be playful, finding love, finding the best relationship of your life. You know the strategy, you know the foundation, and now you get to add play on top of it. Permission. What permission are you not giving yourself? If you’re nervous to shoot your shot, you are saying maybe to yourself, I’m not worthy of it, or, that’s too weird, or That’s too intense, or maybe I’ll look too much, or I’m, I’m not enough for that.

[00:11:28] Or like, I don’t know how to do that. I’m not that person who chooses to. What permission do you need to give yourself then? because you’re in charge. This is your life. It’s my life. It’s now or never. Okay. That was another digression because I’m so excited. I’m not like feeling the hype. Permission. You need to give yourself permission.

[00:11:48] Write a goddamn permission slip for yourself right now. What permission do you need to give yourself to shoot your shot? Permission. Here are some examples. I have permission to do it. Messy. [00:12:00] I have permission to do it even if it’s not perfect, meaning shooting your shot, wherever that is. I have permission to ask for what I want.

[00:12:10] I have permission to take up space. I have permission to be a freaking human in this. I have permission to fill in the blank. What permission do you need to give yourself? Giving yourself permission is a radical act of agency. I have permission to enjoy this. I have permission to fill in the blank. What do you need to give yourself permission for?

[00:12:33] That is the first step to main character energy. So giving an example, let’s say there’s a cutie walking towards you. You see them down the way you could tell they’re cute. Maybe you’ve seen them in your neighborhood before. You see them walking towards you and you’re like, Oh my God, am I going to make eye contact with this person?

[00:12:51] And am I going to say something, am I going to say hi or am I going to say, how’s it going? Or have I met this person? If you’ve met this person like [00:13:00] randomly before and you find them cute, like let’s just imagine something’s coming towards you and you’re like, Oh my God, am I going to shoot my shot? The first thing you need to do is in your mind and the more you practice this, the more second nature it will be.

[00:13:11] What permission do I need to give myself? I have permission to make eye contact. I have permission to find them cute. I have permission to ask a question. I have permission to shoot my shot. First step. Second step. Self trust. Now this can be very difficult, but it is a learnable skill and it is a learnable skill.

[00:13:29] The more you, you know, Brené Brown talks about trust being built in marbles with her daughter who had a marble jar. I’ve talked about this a lot on the podcast. I believe this story is from Daring Greatly. Brené previously thought that trust was built in these grand gestures from friends who, you know, swept in and came and did these big things.

[00:13:48] But in actuality, she found in her research that trust Was built in small moments, like when her daughter’s teacher would put a marble in the jar if they did something good that [00:14:00] day and would take marbles out of the jar when they misbehaved in class. Self trust is built the same way. Little moments, little things that you do to trust yourself, to give yourself permission, little things that say, Hey, Yes, I do believe you.

[00:14:13] I believe that your desire matters. I believe that what you want is possible putting the trust marbles into that jar. Similarly, if you have been in a toxic relationship like I was, maybe that toxic relationship kind of scooped a bunch of the self trust marbles out of the jar. And you’re like, Wait, how do I trust myself?

[00:14:32] I was in a bad relationship. I How to build the self trust is just by small moments of giving yourself permission, taking little baby action towards your worthiness. Give yourself permission to get what you want, even for yourself and your own house first. I have permission to eat what I want. For lunch today, I have permission to put on those cozy pants and feel good.

[00:14:55] I have permission to lay down in my bed, even though it’s seven o’clock. I have permission to [00:15:00] go to that pickleball class, even if I don’t know anybody or those moments of, I trust you. I hear you. You want something moments of reaching out to a friend and saying, instead of like glossing over what’s going on, like I trust you.

[00:15:13] I want to talk and saying, I need support. These moments are adding trust to your self trust jar. And self trust in the moment where the person is coming towards you, you give yourself permission. Like I have permission to make eye contact. Then it’s about like grounding in a deep breath. If that’s available and just being like, okay, I trust this desire to make eye contact.

[00:15:35] Fuck it. I trust this desire. Fuck around energy. The third and final step is massive, messy, courageous action. That’s when you do the thing imperfectly. That’s when you make eye contact with the cutie imperfectly. That’s when you smile and you feel like you’re going to vomit or feel like you’re so awkward or whatever.

[00:15:52] Like, give yourself permission. Trust that desire. Take massive, messy, courageous action towards that desire. And then the, [00:16:00] the bonus after all this is celebrating yourself. Your brain needs to know that it’s safe to take big action. Your brain needs to know that you’re on your own side. You have your own back.

[00:16:10] This is why I teach the concept of feeling how to feel anything in my programs and in my book, because if you are willing to feel any feeling, like think about it, you’re stopping yourself from shooting your shot. Because you’re afraid of feeling a feeling. And why are you afraid of feeling that feeling?

[00:16:29] Because you’re afraid of what that feeling is going to mean about you. Maybe if you shot your shot and you made eye contact and the person laughed, or, you know, didn’t look back or whatever, maybe you’d have the feeling of shame or embarrassment in your body. And maybe you’d make that mean like, I did something wrong, I am wrong, I’m not attractive enough, I’m not enough.

[00:16:51] Fill in the blank. You’re afraid of having a feeling because you’re afraid of what that feeling means about you. Instead of an alternate version of this [00:17:00] in your main character energy and your shoot your shot energy and your fuck around energy is like noticing, wow, I’m having a really hard thought about this, about them, you know, in this scenario where they like laugh or don’t remain in eye contact for as long as you had hoped or whatever, if they like glance at you and they’re like, Oh, and that glides away.

[00:17:19] Instead of being like, Oh God, I did something wrong. Or, Oh God, this confirms that I’m not attractive enough. Whatever. Just notice that thought and then notice the feeling. Shit. This is a hard thought and a hard feeling. I’ve got your back. I’m here with you. And then you can be like, and I celebrate you for shooting your shot.

[00:17:39] This is what leads to getting more asking for it. Asking for what you want and shooting your shot doesn’t have to be verbal. It can be a gesture. It can be a glance. It can be a body language moment. And when you’re willing to feel anything, when you’re willing to feel the feeling of shame, which is just trying to keep you safe, it’s a normal human reaction.

[00:17:58] When you’re willing to feel the feeling of [00:18:00] embarrassment, willing to feel the feeling of nausea, willing to feel. And when you’re willing to feel it, it’s not going to last forever. It’s going to pass when you have your own back in this process, when you give yourself permission to feel it, when you trust that you have your own back and you take massive messy courageous action towards like, okay, that’s a thought, not a fact.

[00:18:15] What would self compassion say? Ooh, that’s really hard. I’m here for you. That allows you to swiftly move through the hard moment and bounce back and be in your resiliency, be in your main character energy because you’re having your own back. This main character energy thing, this shooting your shot thing, isn’t about doing it perfectly.

[00:18:35] It’s not about feeling amazing about it all the time. It’s about doing the thing and being willing to feel anything to be with yourself and then getting back up afterwards. And by the way, a lot of times your main character energy or shooting your shot moment will lead to what you want. Sometimes it won’t because that’s just human.

[00:18:58] And your job in main character [00:19:00] energy is to not make those moments mean anything about you or what’s possible. Your job is to pursue your desires full stop your job in this desires or your birthright Your job is to pursue what you want in alignment with your values and alignment with your main character energy Right and in doing so like you’re giving yourself permission and with your loved ones with people around you You get to give them permission to be in their main character energy by you living in yours What you want is possible and there’s enough to go around This thing, this main character energy thing, it’s not a zero sum game.

[00:19:35] It’s a force, I think, for, for good, for collective good. You get to be in your main character energy. Think about the kids in your life, the little girls in your life, the little boys in your life, who are watching you and watching you be in your main character energy, watching you shoot your shot. Think about how inspired they’re going to be seeing you do that.

[00:19:53] And then anybody who would judge you for shooting your shot, bless and release them from your brain space. Okay. [00:20:00] You get to be in your agency in this life period, which means you get to give yourself permission to want what you want. You get to trust your desire and you get to take massive, messy, courageous action towards those desires.

[00:20:13] So I want you today to write yourself a permission slip. What permission do you need to give yourself to shoot your shot? What shot can you shoot today? Whether that’s asking a friend to be your co conspirator, or whether that’s eye contact with a cutie, or whether that is a flirty conversation with your barista, or whether that is asking somebody on a date that you’ve been talking to for a while and co creating a date with them, hopefully.

[00:20:39] Probably, because you’re asking for what you want out loud. Is it blessing and releasing somebody who you’ve been holding on to? What is your shooting your shot moment? And then how can you, after doing the permission, self trust, massive, messy, courageous action, celebrate the fuck out of yourself for it?

[00:20:54] That’s your assignment for today. I can’t wait to hear how it goes. DM me at datebrazen on [00:21:00] Instagram. Let me know how your main character energy is going. Let me know how your shooting your shot is going. And we’ll call this the shoot your shot challenge. Let’s do it. Let’s go. You’ve got this and I’ve got your back.

[00:21:11] And I’m so excited for you to ask for more of what you want. Cause I know it’s going to lead to you getting more of what you want. I will talk to you all next week. It would mean so much to me if you left a review on Apple podcasts or Spotify of this podcast, if you’ve been enjoying it, if you’ve gotten value from it, that would mean so much to me, it would also mean so much if you pre order my book.

[00:21:32] It means so much to the book process, to the future success of this book, to its ability to be in bookstores and libraries when it comes out in June. So you pre ordering means so much, and I can’t wait to see you in our pre order club, the Thank You More Please Club, so I can coach your face off soon.

[00:21:47] Again, you’ve got this and I’ve got your back. I’m over here in Brooklyn believing that what you want is possible until you can believe it for yourself, and I’ll talk to you next week. [00:22:00] Bye.