210. From feeling "behind" in dating to confidently shooting her shot 100% of the time with client Allyson
What does it take to go from feeling "behind" in dating to confidently making your move every single time? This week, Lily welcomes client Allyson, who shares her journey from feeling behind in dating to embracing self-compassion and taking control of her love life. They chat about the game-changing power of self-love, shaking off society's BS standards, and how stepping into a main character mindset has leveled up not just Allyson's dating game, but her whole life.
Tune in for some real talk on how to attract meaningful relationships while staying true to yourself, taking your shot, and feeling all kinds of empowered.
We get into:
The struggle of feeling behind in dating – "It felt like a mountain I couldn’t climb."
Why it's okay to be uncomfortable, and how to find safety even in the discomfort.
Owning the fact that you are in complete control of your love life.
How Allyson found the courage to shoot her shot and ask someone out
Allyson’s new beliefs about her future, and how it’s all coming together
Links:
Main Character Dating (formerly known as Brazen Breakthrough)
Lily’s book: Thank You, More Please
Show transcript:
[00:00:00] Lily: Hey, I'm Lily Womble, former top matchmaker and founder of Date Brazen. After setting up hundreds, I realized that with coaching, women could match themselves better than anyone else ever could. With my unconventional feminist approach, I've helped women around the world build courageous and self trust filled love lives.
[00:00:20] And now I'm here to support you. Get ready because I'm about to show you the exact steps you need to attract a soul quenching partnership and feel amazing about yourself along the way. This is the Date Brazen Podcast. Hello, gorgeous friends. Welcome to another episode of the Date Brazen podcast. I'm here with a gorgeous person and, uh, you are going to, uh, soak in her story and I'm so excited for you to Experience her main character energy with me because today we have Alison on the podcast.
[00:00:55] Alison has done, uh, what is now main character dating, what [00:01:00] was called the brazen breakthrough. And we're going to get into like her love life and what has, what it has looked like for her to join us and do this work. And I know that you're going to leave, whether or not you're interested in working in this program, you're going to leave feeling inspired and like what you want to do.
[00:01:15] is that much more possible and close. So hello, Allison.
[00:01:19] Allyson: Hello, Lily. Good to see you.
[00:01:21] Lily: How are you feeling about this?
[00:01:22] Allyson: I feel great. Just can't stop sweating, but that's the weather, not the podcast.
[00:01:27] Lily: Me too. Um, can't, can't stop, won't stop sweating. And just for anybody listening, I don't know if you did this, but I turned off my like AC and turn off my fan and therefore it is.
[00:01:38] Even worse. Yeah.
[00:01:40] Allyson: We're cooking.
[00:01:41] Lily: We're cooking. Um, what feels important for folks to know about you?
[00:01:46] Allyson: I'm, my name's Allison. I'm in my mid thirties. I live in Washington DC and just a house, a group house with some other girls that I just adore. And I have two cats, um, and I work in magazines.
[00:01:58] Lily: Like Jenna Rink from [00:02:00] 13 going on 30.
[00:02:01] Allyson: Oh, sure. Yeah. I actually work for a children's magazine, so not as, um, chic. Like a highlights. Yeah. I think like my full time job is writing about dolphins. So
[00:02:13] Lily: it's great. Are you kidding? No. It's
[00:02:15] Allyson: incredible.
[00:02:16] Lily: Yeah. Wait, what's the most interesting thing about dolphins to you?
[00:02:20] Allyson: Dolphins are actually, I shouldn't have said dolphins cause they're really violent.
[00:02:24] They're the most like similar animal to us or one of the most. And so they like. Um, they do bad things and they know they're doing bad things.
[00:02:34] Lily: Oh, they're kind of naughty.
[00:02:35] Allyson: They're pretty naughty. Yeah. Yeah. But they're also capable of like love and friendship. So that's, they're not all bad. Some of them will put sponges on their noses when they're digging around in the sand so they don't get cuts on their noses.
[00:02:47] That's pretty cute.
[00:02:48] Lily: Very cute. But, but as you mentioned, somewhat violent.
[00:02:52] Allyson: They are somewhat. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, they're too like us. Yeah.
[00:02:56] Lily: They're really smart. Really, really smart. I also might mention, and you'll [00:03:00] see this in the little clip we put on social, we showed up in the exact same outfit and I'm, and, and, and we were like, should we change?
[00:03:07] No, no, we're not changing. This is perfect alignment. Okay. Take me back before we met. What was, obviously you have this beautiful, rich life that you have cultivated, you live with people you adore, you have this beautiful career that it sounds like, like, makes your life feel fulfilled in the ways that work can, I'm assuming.
[00:03:31] Yeah. Yeah. Based on how you talk about dolphins, I love. So you have this beautiful, you have this beautiful life and I'm wondering how the dating piece was feeling before we met.
[00:03:40] Allyson: I would say everything about dating just felt so hard. Every piece of it felt like an uphill battle. Like just getting on the app was like so dysregulating, so anxiety inducing, forcing myself to be on it.
[00:03:54] Like I would just feel like I was going to puke the whole
[00:03:57] Lily: time. Yeah.
[00:03:58] Allyson: Scheduling a date was a nightmare. [00:04:00] Getting on a date, you know, I would feel so anxious leading up to it. Leaving the date was anxiety of when can I leave? When is it socially acceptable to leave? And then if they liked me and I didn't like them, that was a nightmare.
[00:04:14] If I liked them and they didn't like me, devastation, every, just every part of it was pain and like a mountain I could not climb.
[00:04:25] Lily: That sucks. I'm so sorry it felt that way. And it's so common. You have to, I mean, you know now, but I'm curious if it sucked that hard. And I know, I know the answer. I'm just asking just to hear it from your, in your words, maybe I don't know the answer, but in your words, like what?
[00:04:44] Was the reason you kept doing it or trying if it felt so dysregulating and horrible?
[00:04:51] Allyson: It felt like something I had to do socially as a woman. It felt embarrassing to not [00:05:00] do it. And it also did feel like There was this like magical pot of gold at the end of this nightmare rainbow. Yeah, just get through the really bad stuff.
[00:05:11] Like something really good could be on the other side. And
[00:05:14] Lily: I
[00:05:15] Allyson: will say I wasn't dating often. I would go on a couple dates and then take a year long break, you know,
[00:05:21] Lily: got it. Got it. And had you been in relationships? Before. Yeah.
[00:05:26] Allyson: I had a few, a few relationships. I had one significant relationship in college that has like kind of haunted me and I was struggling comparison and then a few others that weren't as satisfying and I really struggled with letting those go.
[00:05:42] That was another thing of, um, and I'm sure this would come up, you know, later in this Discussion, but I followed a lot of other dating advice people as well. And so,
[00:05:52] Lily: and
[00:05:53] Allyson: a lot of the advice circulating around is like, you need to stop being such a piggy bitch. And [00:06:00] that was like the last thing I needed to hear because I was already beating myself up.
[00:06:04] Wow. So much. I needed someone to say what you have said, which is like, you can have preferences. Alison, it's
[00:06:11] Lily: time to be a picky bitch. Truly. Yeah. There's actually nothing wrong with it. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. So did you find this work and me on Tik Tok or was it wild?
[00:06:26] Allyson: I remember you just like walking down a street in Brooklyn with the hottest hot takes ever heard.
[00:06:30] I was just like, this girl knows something.
[00:06:34] Lily: Oh my God. Let's go back to like, okay, you, you find me on Tik TOK. Your dating life has felt so arduous. It sounds like you're haunted by these past relationship, this past relationship. Like there's a lot of comparison going on a lot of like stopping, starting vibes, a lot of like download, delete, I would imagine.
[00:06:53] And. Take me through the point at which you're like, I'm ready to prioritize this part of my life [00:07:00] intentionally with my time energy finances. Take me through that decision.
[00:07:04] Allyson: It was definitely a feeling of finding your content and finally feeling inspired by what someone had to say about dating and feeling like.
[00:07:14] This is a safe place and that's energizing and that I want to do this work versus, as I said, I, I found other dating coaches that I thought about like joining their programs, but that just seemed like work and like more of the same. And so when I found your content, it just suddenly felt like this could be possible.
[00:07:34] It could be. Yeah. You could know the path forward here that I, it hasn't occurred to me yet. And I definitely sat on it quite a while. I think it took me a full year of consuming your content. I listened to the podcast a ton and you were closing the doors and I just. It felt like so moved and, you know, it was clearly the right, the right choice.
[00:07:57] Yeah.
[00:07:58] Lily: Mm. Okay. So let's get [00:08:00] into like, you join, how did the program shift things for you? Like what, what lessons stick out? What moments stick out? Let's get into it. Okay.
[00:08:08] Allyson: It's so hard to say because like in a thousand ways, things have shifted, things have changed so much. And it's hard to pick out one thing in particular, but.
[00:08:16] You can say a thousand things. We can
[00:08:19] Lily: choose as many as feels resonant. Like what totally like open, like white space here.
[00:08:25] Allyson: I started the program. I immediately made a friend that lived down the street from me randomly and we've become very close. So we kind of have been doing this together. And When we started, we were both like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:08:36] Self compassion, like, no, no, no, no, no, like, let's take the dating part,
[00:08:40] Lily: you know? Like, Lily, Lily talks about this a little too much. Like, yeah, we're like, okay, but
[00:08:44] Allyson: where's the dating stuff? And so we kind of rushed through that and then we were noticing like, wow, we're really not seeing results. Um, so maybe a couple months in, we both sat down and we were like, we're committing to the self compassion and, [00:09:00]
[00:09:00] Lily: Which is like literally step one, like module one, step one.
[00:09:04] There's like this, like caring for your dating nervous system. And so you dove into that, it sounds like.
[00:09:10] Allyson: Not even, not only dove in because I had, we had done the modules. We just weren't really like. Of course,
[00:09:15] Lily: you're high achievers. You, you, of course you would watch the videos.
[00:09:17] Allyson: Yes. Yeah. I did the homework.
[00:09:20] Um, but we started doing self compassion Sundays. So kind of making it a ritual of like every Sunday I'm going to do a self compassion meditation. And that is the key that unlocked me. The rest of the work and we both have said, like, I wish we had done that at the beginning, but whatever we had to learn.
[00:09:35] So in doing that, it like unlocked the rest of it. And then it was like releasing societal expectations of what, being in a relationship and what it says about me that I'm not. And releasing that has just taken all the pressure off. So now I don't like, you know, be in a frenzy and I can have fun with this.
[00:09:56] So that, that's a huge part of it. The idea that it's okay to be [00:10:00] uncomfortable, and even when I'm uncomfortable, I'm still safe, has been huge.
[00:10:03] Lily: Yeah.
[00:10:05] Allyson: Like, it's gonna feel weird to make eye contact with someone for the first time, or striking up a conversation, but it's only weird for like, 0. 5 seconds, and then it's fine.
[00:10:15] And then also the idea that just I'm in control of my love life. I'm in complete control. Like I can leave a date when I want to leave a date. I can ask someone out or I cannot, I can say hi to someone who's cute. Uh, you know, and it's all just feel, feel, I feel so much calmer about it. Cause I'm like, Oh yeah, I am in control of this.
[00:10:35] Lily: That's so cool. That's so cool. I wanted to go back to the self compassion piece because even though you say that I don't know that you in the past might have believed you, you know what I'm saying? Like, I don't know that, right? Like, and that is representative of so many people, myself included, when, before I learned about self compassion, I was like, uh, yeah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
[00:10:56] I'm an anxious mess. And like, stop being a, like a [00:11:00] wild, anxious mess in your brain, Lily. Like, just shut up. Like, keep going. Like, that was my default until I learned self compassion. What would you tell The you that like was sort of skipping past it. What would you tell that you in your own words? Like, why is this important?
[00:11:15] And what impact will this make this self compassion practice?
[00:11:21] Allyson: Dating? I would think, I would say that dating is so much more about your internal headspace than it is about external factors. It obviously is also about that, but being in control. And, and by in control, I just mean like, you're like, you're sitting with yourself, you're understanding yourself, you're, you're taking care of yourself.
[00:11:43] It means you can handle all the external stuff that's going to come. There is no like magic bullet with dating, you know, this is the work. And also I will say that the self compassion work has all these enormous ripple effects [00:12:00] in my life that have changed, like relationships with family has shifted relationships with friends.
[00:12:06] It's, it's so much also more than dating, you know, talk about how dating is a microcosm, but yeah, it's just. It's, it will, it will build your, build your life in other ways more than just, yeah, yeah,
[00:12:20] Lily: yeah. I love it. Well, I, I just, and back up to even further back for a moment, what was your brain like now that you know, the self compassion practice and you're practicing and you're like, it's a learnable skill that you have been working on and like sharpening and like making a more of a default in your brain.
[00:12:37] It sounds like. When you look back, what was your brain saying to you before that? Like, what was your brain landscape and what thoughts was it serving up as like the quote truth?
[00:12:48] Allyson: It was just constant, like, there's something wrong with you. There's a million things wrong with you. And here they all are.
[00:12:54] Yeah. And you should do this and you should do this. And the right thing to do [00:13:00] is XYZ. Mm. What I want to do is whatever.
[00:13:05] Lily: Right.
[00:13:06] Allyson: And I still do quite that stuff sometimes, but yeah, anyway. Of
[00:13:08] Lily: course, of course, because we all have human brains that serve up a lot of thoughts that are protective and not true and really difficult and crummy sometimes.
[00:13:18] Okay. So when you said, what I want is not what I should do, isn't that just a microcosm in and of itself of patriarchal conditioning? Yes. Of like, what I want as a woman is wrong and that it's actually not, somebody else has the answer and that like, what I want is, is, my intuition has led me astray maybe in past relationships.
[00:13:45] So why the hell would I trust what I want? And then that like, spiraled, that sort of extreme thought of like, I must be wrong. What I want must be wrong. I must go against my instincts to find love then leads to a spiral of settling in all of the ways.
[00:13:59] Allyson: Yes. [00:14:00] Yeah. And as you've said, it's like, it's radical to want what you want and to not settle.
[00:14:07] Lily: And a hundred percent. And I love hearing that it's spiraled into other areas of your life, this work, how would you characterize that impact outside of just dating?
[00:14:20] Allyson: I think it's been huge to just. Recenter myself a little bit and not a selfish way, but. Or, you know, maybe it is a little bit selfish, but to remember that my needs and wants matter, even in the context of, like, friends that I adore needing something and or.
[00:14:38] Family. Whatever, what I want also matters. And that's been really helpful. And me taking that time and being comfortable with myself makes also me a better family member and a better friend.
[00:14:52] Lily: What was it like to claim your essence based preferences?
[00:14:55] Allyson: I found that. Process to be pretty easy because I was like, well, yeah, I know what I [00:15:00] want, but this person doesn't exist.
[00:15:03] Lily: Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So like this is pointless because this person doesn't exist. Okay. So that process
[00:15:11] Allyson: of writing them was kind of like, hmm, this feels like a fantasy, but it has ended up. And I've revised them. I revised them once or twice within the program, and they've been so useful to reflect on going on.
[00:15:27] How so tell, you know, I, it's just very easy to be like, okay, this person doesn't meet me here and that is something I want. And so I can bless and release without guilt. And I could have anyway, but, you know, it's a clear compass of like. Yeah. That's not the one.
[00:15:43] Lily: So keep a question. So
[00:15:46] Allyson: what does your dating life look like now?
[00:15:47] My dating life feels really organic to the rest of my life. And by that, I mean, I'm not on the apps. They're not for me. They, I will come back in October because I think we [00:16:00] talked about this. I love Halloween's my favorite and I do a, uh, I started last year doing like a special Halloween theme profile. We loved that
[00:16:09] Lily: profile.
[00:16:10] Allyson: We all got to see it in the program. It was so good. Yeah. So I will get back on for October because you know, the guys that get it, get it. And that's great. My life is already like busy and full and it's joy building is like my priority. And my dating life is just a natural extension of that is like, I go do things that make me happy and I meet people.
[00:16:31] That's been amazing. And nothing's like worked out. But yet I've gone on a lot of dates. I've met a lot of people organically. I'm just, I'm so happy because for me, it doesn't work to have like my regular life and then my dating life where I'm on apps and I'm like going on these dates that I like, I don't love going to bars over and over, so this is just so great.
[00:16:54] Cause I, you know, I love. Ships, you know, I like old timey ships and there was, my [00:17:00] bookstore was having an event about a book about a ship. And I met another guy who like loves ships. And then we talked about that and it was great. Or
[00:17:08] Lily: I love thank you more, please.
[00:17:10] Allyson: So proud of myself. But I joined the DC Audubon Society, which has been renamed to the DC Bird Alliance, but I joined the board.
[00:17:16] And through that, I like met someone who was cute and I had a crush on him and that's been great. Oh, wait, can we pause that and tell that
[00:17:24] Lily: story? Can you tell that
[00:17:24] Allyson: story? Yeah. I, so I, yeah, I joined this board and it was on my list of like goals was to have a crush cause I hadn't had a crush in a long time for the, for the, for the program.
[00:17:34] Yeah. It's like someone again, what does it feel like? And I joined the board and there was a guy on the board with me and. You know, it felt kind of flirty. And so I asked him out, we went out and then he asked me to go. Wait, pause. Okay. Before this, before this process,
[00:17:51] Lily: did you ask people out? Never, never, never.
[00:17:54] Yeah. Why? What thoughts created the not asking [00:18:00] a thousand fears? That I like
[00:18:02] Allyson: would be bothering them or that I'm too like weird or ugly or whatever for, you know.
[00:18:09] Lily: A lot of thoughts. A lot of thoughts, a lot of thoughts. A lot of us. Now, what helped you? We got to break this down for people because I know you're like, you're glazed.
[00:18:17] You're like, Oh yeah, I asked this guy out at this. I joined the board because I wanted to. And then I asked this guy out and then like, Oh cute. Like we like, whatever we need to break this down for the people because so many folks are where you were feeling a thousand fears, having a thousand thoughts that feel true.
[00:18:35] Like I'm not attractive enough. I'm not interesting I'm not the kind of person that people want to go out with. And it's so important to slow this down, to show people that it's possible to be the main character of your love life, that you don't have to take a back seat because of fear of rejection or fear of whatever.
[00:18:55] And it's actually possible to rewire your brain in the process to actually believe [00:19:00] that you're worthy of getting what you want and that people actually want to be around you. So what helped you create the results of asking this guy out?
[00:19:09] Allyson: So many steps, but let me try to see if I can remember. It's like, Releasing a layer of shame around being unpartnered at all.
[00:19:16] Maybe that was like step one and then releasing the shame of there's something wrong with me. And how, again,
[00:19:26] Lily: you're going to find me so annoying. Yeah. How did you release the shame? What was there a coaching moment? Was there a lesson? Was there a process that really helped?
[00:19:34] Allyson: I think it was just like coming back over and over to the coaching calls and just like, you kind of really pound the message in of like, You know?
[00:19:44] Yes, yes I do. And also the community aspect of the group is that you are with a bunch of other awesome people that are just like amazing, cool, awesome people that are also single for a thousand reasons and it's just not logical anymore [00:20:00] to, you know, Believe that there's something wrong with you. And then I think also, you know, it's, it's the self compassion work is the, you know, part of it is like giving yourself grace.
[00:20:11] And then, and when you, when you have a feeling or a thought like that, of like, I'm undateable and I'm too ugly to date, which still comes up. I, you know, And tell myself like, that's a thought. That's a hard thought. Like, doesn't mean it's true. Doesn't have to be true. You know, it still comes up. I can just say like, yeah, it's not necessarily true.
[00:20:30] And I mean, for the record, so, so I went out with this guy and then he did ask me out to go, it was so sweet. He asked me to go watch Baby red tail hawks learn how to fly, which was just the best thing ever, but it did not work out. Like we have not pursued anything. We're still on the board together and it's normal, but for whatever reason, it's not working out.
[00:20:49] Thankfully again, have my back in this. It's, I had, I had to have like a cry day and we're okay. You know, we'll, we're trying. Yeah.
[00:20:59] Lily: First of all, that, [00:21:00] that sounds like it was really tough. Yeah. For it not to work out. And I think for some, and, and by the way, also does not mean anything about what's coming. It just like to me, in another world with a you that may not be in community or may not like normalize your experience in another world that, or for other people, that experience of building up the courage to ask somebody out, going on a date and it not leading to.
[00:21:29] A relationship. And in fact, like it not being the person might be a year
[00:21:38] Allyson: grieving process for sure. Me two years ago, it would have, yeah, it would have taken the wind out of my sails for a year.
[00:21:44] Lily: And that would have been understandable because this is so fucking vulnerable. What helped you, what thought or what practice or what community moment helped you sort of be like Celebrate.
[00:21:57] your courage and your main character [00:22:00] energy and then also be like, okay, next.
[00:22:02] Allyson: I think it's been the, one of the things has been the, the, the thank you more please reframe of where everything that I do that I am proud of, like goes into this bucket of like, Okay, well, whatever. Like, this guy doesn't like me, but like, look how awesome I am.
[00:22:17] I did these three things, and I get to put it in my notes app. And I can do it again. And the more that I ask people out, because this has been maybe like, The fifth person I've asked out recently again, but yeah, but the more you do it also, you just kind of, I, I have realized that the universe continues to offer me opportunities or rather maybe I keep, I keep doing things that push me forward.
[00:22:46] Push me out into the world, and then I keep meeting people, I don't have to feel like this was it, this was the one chance, because I have this evidence that there's gonna be something new, you know, if I keep doing this, if I keep being in the world, like, [00:23:00] yeah.
[00:23:01] Lily: There already has been and will be more. So the thank you more please really adds like it's the stockpile of evidence that like the opportunities exist and when I shoot my shot, I am closer to finding the right people in person.
[00:23:14] What beliefs do you have now about your, the future of your love life that feel true? And, and by the way, it doesn't have to be like, You don't have to have the perfect answer to this. I'm just curious, like what feels true now.
[00:23:27] Allyson: This is maybe like an insane answer because I don't know if like it's the answer people listening would maybe want to hear.
[00:23:34] But something that's come out of this whole process is me being like totally okay, whether or not I find partnership and also pretty sure that at some point I will, like, I don't know, maybe I'll be in my 60s, maybe, who knows, but I'm also fine. I'm so happy my life is so full because of a lot of this work is like really [00:24:00] leaning into joy building and prioritizing that.
[00:24:02] I feel confident that my life will be wonderful either way. And I'm just open to like, I don't know. I'm open to having kids. I'm open to not having kids. I'm open to like marriage and partnership, but I'm open to being like just a really great aunt, you know, that probably like mindset might not work for everybody, but it just.
[00:24:24] It's taken all the, all the pressure off and now it's just pure like, enjoyment of connection and like, who, cool, what cool person could I? You
[00:24:35] Lily: know what that is to me, your knowledge is bringing it down for you and anybody listening from my perspective is like, you're acknowledging your desire for partnership.
[00:24:45] You have released any of the suffering that is associated with the thought, I'm too late. There's something wrong with me. You've like, really. radically reclaimed your agency in your [00:25:00] own life by saying like, uh, actually this thing partnership will be great. It'll, it'll add value to my life when it happens, but like, it's not going to determine my identity as a human being.
[00:25:15] You've done that. You've also held it like Really? It sounds just like you're really honoring your own life as an expansive thing. This one thing is a piece that doesn't define you. It's just an extension of your agency. I know I'm over here. Like, you know what I say? I like, I believe it for you, you know, and I really like, and clients, you know, anybody who needs to.
[00:25:43] Need somebody else to believe that it's possible for them until they can believe it for themselves. Like I, I totally beyond the shadow of a doubt know that it's possible. Most people find a partner in this life that they love. Most people have a love, if not several loves that are grand and [00:26:00] it's go. I just know that because of how you're showing up.
[00:26:03] Um, You're magnetizing that which is highest for you?
[00:26:06] Allyson: Mm-Hmm mm-Hmm. . Yeah. That was another like radical, like radical thought in my brain that you had that was like the right person will be attracted to me and I am attracted Right person. Yeah. And I can kind of release this anxiety around not being attracted to like whatever.
[00:26:23] Whoever isn't attractive. Yeah. Well, the right person will be so .
[00:26:27] Lily: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:26:28] Allyson: So I don't have to worry. They will
[00:26:29] Lily: be. They will be. And I also think that for the future of your love life, you know, that there are a lot of dating programs that exist, period. Each one is distinct and like unique. And when. Mm. Mm.
[00:26:45] Discerning like what kind of support you desire, I would just say that that statement that you said that you're like, I don't know if people are gonna like that, but here's my answer is like, I think that's what sets this community apart. We are about [00:27:00] releasing the pressure. And also acknowledging the desire.
[00:27:03] I think that that's and moving toward it with courageous messy action. So I think that that both and is like really unique. Yes,
[00:27:11] Allyson: for sure. Do you feel that way? Oh my gosh, absolutely. Absolutely. There's no, no other dating coach person has ever been like, It's also okay. Like, you're going to be okay. You're great.
[00:27:24] Yeah, and you're fine as you are, and you don't need to, like, beat yourself into submission or force yourself to go on five dates with whoever because what if, you know, whatever, yeah, yeah.
[00:27:37] Lily: Well, and here's what I don't want. I don't want anybody in my world Or in my sphere in my client, but like client group of amazing human beings to land in a relationship and stay in it because they think it's because they think that it means something about them that they're single in a bad way.
[00:27:56] And so they stuff themselves into a relationship that doesn't feel [00:28:00] like the best fucking relationship of their life. Like, I don't fucking care. If you find a relationship that could happen tomorrow, that could like, if you wanted that, you could get that tomorrow. We care. About you attracting the best relationship of your life and cultivating that with yourself first.
[00:28:16] And by the way, this is life work. For sure. Like everybody, you know, like a lot of people who are in romantic relationships do this 10 years in.
[00:28:26] Allyson: Yeah.
[00:28:27] Lily: Because they just don't know. They land in a relationship. They don't know that they need to cultivate self compassion or self trust or that like main character energy or that they don't need to know what they want.
[00:28:37] And they just sort of like, Oh, well, ho hum stumbled into. And this work is like a subtle proofing force that also, you know, really I think is you're doing so much beautiful and true work. And I love even that you're like dating apps aren't for me, like that choice. Yeah. Is also what's going to magnetize that, which is highest to you.
[00:28:58] It already is. [00:29:00]
[00:29:00] Allyson: Yeah. I used to be so before I found the program, the dating apps, again, so much anxiety. And I, I would try to maximize how many people would find my profile attractive. So, you know, I would choose particular photos that were like bland. I don't know. Like they, they just. Or like, I was holding a beer, like, who doesn't like beer?
[00:29:20] Or, you know, and I would give answers that were pretty, you know, not my like weird self. And then through the program, I've been like, no, you need to actually be weirder on your profile and more yourself.
[00:29:31] Lily: Yes. Um,
[00:29:32] Allyson: yeah. And that's how you, and same thing of like, when I'm out and about is I need to be exactly myself because that's the only way I'll find someone who likes exactly myself.
[00:29:43] Yeah.
[00:29:43] Lily: A hundred percent. And what I'm hearing you say is like joy building has become a huge part of your life, which is our part of our in person dating plan and that you're shooting your shot all the time, which has led to some fun dates [00:30:00] and will ultimately lead to you. Again, attracting exactly what is meant for you.
[00:30:06] Yeah. Which is cool, pretty cool shit that is meant for you. I believe.
[00:30:11] Allyson: And it's also just like, attracting like, Well, new friends and like cool new hobbies. So like I'm, I'm picking up all kinds by just being more in the world. And yeah, I
[00:30:22] Lily: love it. I love it. Alison, what would you say to people on the fence about joining?
[00:30:27] Allyson: If Lily's whole deal speaks to you, then the program will speak to you and that's, it's aligned, you know, you're, you're there and this is what you need to hear. And this is the radical. Feminist, as you say, but it's the radical work of our lives to claim what we want. And, you know, I, I often think so many women in my lineage and, you know, everyone's lineage, like didn't have a choice, you know, they didn't, they had to get married or they, [00:31:00] they, they were partnered with someone that didn't make them happy or terrible circumstances.
[00:31:05] And I get to make the choice. What a gift. Just the best thing in the world that, that I get to found, found this work and stop beating myself up mentally over going on dates, which also like, yes, it matters, but also having some perspective. It's like, also, they're just dates, you know, they're just.
[00:31:24] Lily: It's not that deep.
[00:31:25] Allyson: Two hours, you know, with somebody. If that,
[00:31:28] Lily: 45 minutes. Yeah, yeah. You can, you can get out of there if you don't want to be there. Right, right. Well, I am so proud of the work that you have done. I'm proud of you for showing up for yourself and with others in this process. You've been such a champion for, for yourself in the Bragg's channel.
[00:31:46] And for other people, like lifting them up in the slack, I'm just like, so honored to have been your coach. And I know really good things are on the way and I've already happened [00:32:00] because of your main character energy. And so I'm, I'm just so excited for what comes next.
[00:32:05] Allyson: Thank you. Me too. Yeah. Thank you more, please.
[00:32:07] If
[00:32:09] Lily: y'all want to join main character dating, the info is in the description of this episode and y'all I will talk to you soon. Bye!