192. From hard breakups to a joyful AF dating life with client Danielle
Ever wondered how to bounce back after a significant breakup? This week, Danielle, one of our Brazen Breakthrough clients, opens up about her journey through healing and self-discovery. She reflects on her past relationships and how she redefined her intentions and boundaries to rediscover herself. This episode is a testament to self-compassion, offering dating insights and profound thoughts on personal growth and finding joy.
We get into:
How Danielle realized she wasn’t getting what she truly wanted in dating
Breaking patterns of complacency and shrinking away from what you want
Shifting from second-guessing yourself to trusting your intuition
The lessons and takeaways from Brazen Breakthrough that help Danielle show up and support others (and herself)
The impact on Danielle’s dating life, including creating stronger boundaries and dating with intention
The act of reclaiming your sense of Self
Links:
Free Training With Lily Womble on May 7th! 3 Steps to Attract the Right Partner With a Joyful as Fuck Dating Life
The Brazen Breakthrough Waitlist
Show transcript:
[00:00:00] Lily: Hey, I'm Lily Womble, former top matchmaker and founder of Date Brazen. After setting up hundreds, I realized that with coaching, women could match themselves better than anyone else ever could. With my unconventional feminist approach, I've helped women around the world build courageous and self trust filled love lives.
[00:00:20] And now, I'm here to support you. Get ready, because I'm about to show you the exact steps you need to attract a soul quenching partnership. And feel amazing about yourself along the way. This is the date brazen podcast. Hello, gorgeous friends. Welcome to another episode of the date brazen podcast. I'm so glad that you're here today.
[00:00:40] I'm joined by brazen breakthrough client Danielle, and we are going to get into all things, her dating life, her love life, how it's feeling, what's going on. We're going to have a great time and I know that you're going to be inspired. So let's get into it. Hey, Danielle.
[00:00:58] Danielle: Hi. Hi. Thanks for [00:01:00] having me on. How are you feeling?
[00:01:02] I'm good. I'm excited to, to chat about my experience.
[00:01:05] Lily: Good. Okay. Amazing. Now tell, tell the listeners, like, what are, what do they need to know about you? What feels important to know?
[00:01:11] Danielle: What feels important to know is this is the first time I've been single in many years and because of this program, it's been like the best year ever.
[00:01:21] Lily: Oh my God. Okay. Well, let's, let's like dive all the way in. Um, tell me about. Yeah. Yeah. Like you haven't been single in many years. What did that look like for you
[00:01:30] Danielle: to take a step back for like what brought me here to the brazen breakthrough? Um, I, since I was a teen up until like 31, I was in, I was in relationships.
[00:01:42] Um, I, my last significant one was seven years and we dated from 23 to 31. And I thought that was something that was going in, like, the marriage direction, but that didn't end up happening. So I found myself single at [00:02:00] 31 and in a whole new world of dating apps and just things I've never had to experience before.
[00:02:07] Because prior to that, I'm pretty sure it was like Plenty of Fish and Match. com or something. We're like the only ones out there. I feel like when they first started, it wasn't a big thing yet. It was like people paid to be on them. It was a different thing. So I was like, Oh, I didn't even know how to use them.
[00:02:22] So it was kind of like overwhelming to be in that world. The same time that happened. I also was going through some family personal stuff. So it was like a big. Year of like shedding and letting go and of change, it was like a big change year. So after kind of working through all that, maybe almost a year later, I was like, I'm going to try the apps.
[00:02:46] I'm going to test it out and see how this goes. And it was almost like that thing, you know, like beginner's luck. Like, I feel like I was lucky. I did find someone really great on there. We dated for a couple months. Okay. I realized also from this [00:03:00] program, like looking back on that, I realized that I was kind of looking for all the things I was missing in the other person.
[00:03:06] It wasn't like what I actually wanted. It was just like, Oh, these are all the things that that person didn't give me. Let me go find them.
[00:03:12] Lily: Oh, interesting. Do you mind sharing a few of like, what didn't you get that you were looking for in the next person?
[00:03:18] Danielle: Yeah. The, what I wanted at the time, what I thought I wanted.
[00:03:22] Was someone who was like super stable financially secure a good cook was important to me for some reason and someone who like didn't want to go out all the time and was happy being
[00:03:32] Lily: yeah and I could guess if I were to guess that was like here's what I'm a no to I'm a no to financial instability I'm a no to out all the time I'm a no to all these things so you sort of swung in the like well let me just get the opposite of that.
[00:03:49] Danielle: That's exactly right. Like, it wasn't like, what do I truly want? It was like, what am I not going to accept? And I'm just going to, you know, it was totally that attitude. And there was [00:04:00] not that that guy was great. Like my ex was a good guy. There was absolutely nothing wrong with him. I realized once, once I got the things I thought I wanted, it was like extreme.
[00:04:10] It was like on the other side, it wasn't aligned because it wasn't what I, I. Was wanting it was more like you said, kind of going towards what I did. Yeah. It was like the wrong energy around
[00:04:21] Lily: for so many of us and myself included. Like, we date as I have in the past dated in reaction to an X or a story or, uh, uh, uh, the preferences that I didn't get in the right.
[00:04:36] So totally normal.
[00:04:38] Danielle: Yep.
[00:04:39] Lily: But it's very reactionary. As opposed to, like, maybe proactive towards what you do want. So how did you realize that you weren't getting what you truly wanted?
[00:04:50] Danielle: Yeah, I think once he started talking about, like, getting really serious and, like, which again was another thing that made me Almost [00:05:00] depressed.
[00:05:00] Like that's kind of what pushed me to, I need something else outside myself to help me. Like, you know, to help me get aligned, meaning the reason breakthrough, when you started talking about getting super serious, I think it kind of scared me a little. And that's also when I was like, okay. This is so, like, it's, it's an interesting relationship because he was giving me everything I thought I wanted, including the ring, including the, the commitment that I thought I was wanting.
[00:05:26] Lily: And pause. This is the guy after seven year guy. This is the like, Uh, sort of having luck on a dating app, started dating. He gave you a ring. He committed. Well, tell me, we talked
[00:05:39] Danielle: about
[00:05:39] Lily: it. Okay. Yeah. Like he did not give me a ring,
[00:05:42] Danielle: but he was going in that direction and he would talk about like, that should be our future.
[00:05:47] And like looking at houses and like wanting to move in that direction. And I think that kind of woke me up like, Whoa, like, is this what I really want? Can I see myself forever with this person? And I think I realized. [00:06:00] No, it's not what I want and that that's kind of when it clicked for me that I'm like, I feel like I, I was just looking for the nose, like I was, and I was getting exactly what I had asked for, but it wasn't enough in my head.
[00:06:15] So looking back at, like, my journal entries and everything, I can see how I was very, like, self shaming and like, very like, oh, something's wrong with me. Like, I got what I wanted, but it wasn't enough. And what am I going to do? Like I'm the problem. That's kind of where it, where I was when I discovered brazen.
[00:06:35] Lily: Wow. Okay.
[00:06:37] Danielle: Yeah.
[00:06:37] Lily: So yeah,
[00:06:38] Danielle: we ended up break. We ended up breaking up and then you
[00:06:41] Lily: break up with him.
[00:06:42] Danielle: I did.
[00:06:43] Lily: How was that for you?
[00:06:45] Danielle: It was hard. And he was upset and I felt horrific, but I also felt really proud of myself
[00:06:53] Lily: because
[00:06:53] Danielle: I tend to be on the side of, we just like, like, I just get in this [00:07:00] comfort and we just stick with it.
[00:07:01] And it's easier to not like say what I really want because then I start second guessing myself and I'm like, Oh, but this guy, he's such a good guy. Like, why would I want that when I have this?
[00:07:11] Lily: Danielle, let's get into this because I think it's so. Relatable for so many. What? Okay, because in the past you had done this like comfort zone.
[00:07:21] It's easier than second guessing myself. Right. Second, guessing yourself felt more tolerable than speaking up in this relation in other relationships.
[00:07:34] Danielle: Yes.
[00:07:34] Lily: Speaking up felt intolerable. I'm assuming based on that like logic, right? So what was the inflection point or the change for you? To say, like, no, actually, I'm going to break that pattern of complacency and of shrinking from what I want, even if it means making a decision that I might second guess myself on.
[00:07:55] Like, what was that difference?
[00:07:57] Danielle: I think that I had so much time [00:08:00] to reflect on the relationship before that, the long one, where I realized It's very easy for me to feel like, oh my God, that person was the one I that's the direction I was going. But in reality, I wasn't feeling my best self. I did feel that there were problems, but I didn't speak up on them because I was so afraid of what the answer would be.
[00:08:21] Or like, if he would choose to, it wouldn't be in a grants and we would break up like it was. I just never wanted to live that way again, like, and I made a promise to myself when all that happened was I will always do my best to live in alignment with myself and to, to like, follow my intuition on all things, because I never want to get in a place where I'm kind of like on autopilot in life.
[00:08:48] Lily: This is so good, Danielle. What made you shift from, I'm second guessing myself all the time, which sort of, it's, it's, I don't trust [00:09:00] myself, right? Like I don't make the right decisions for myself. So like, why would I know what I want or why would I be able to get, have the preferences because who am I to say what I want?
[00:09:08] Right. Maybe if it doesn't resonate. No, that sounds right.
[00:09:11] Danielle: That's how did you go
[00:09:12] Lily: from that to like, I'm no longer willing to live out of alignment. I'm going to trust my intuition. Like, how did you get there?
[00:09:18] Danielle: I was so shattered. Like when, when I don't mean to keep, well, I guess that's why we're here talking about it, but yeah, when that, when that breakup happened, my entire world crumbled.
[00:09:29] Like I was
[00:09:30] Lily: seven years. I was nothing.
[00:09:32] Danielle: Yeah. And it was, Looking back, like it was unhealthy for me, like the way I was in that relationship was unhealthy because so much of my identity and like my self worth was baked into that. So when we did end up breaking up and falling apart, regardless of how it happened, it wasn't a, he wasn't a good guy at the end of the day, I was shattered and I had all of my self worth.
[00:09:58] Wrapped in that, like I, there was [00:10:00] no more autonomy, if that's the right word, like there was no more just me and my life and what am I doing? I became very dependent on like us as a couple and it was no doing of like, now I've had all the time to reflect. It wasn't like he was making me be that way. It was just for some reason I got into this creature of comfort mode.
[00:10:20] And stuck with it. And I, I think after seeing all that and feeling like, wow, like, and I know timeline, does it matter? Age does not matter, especially after going through this mind blown, how much my, my thoughts changed around it. But in that, at that time, my thought was, Oh my God, I'm 31. I wasted so many years where.
[00:10:42] If I really look back, when did things start going sour? I could have been 27 and single then and dealt with this then, then being 31, like, and now I realize, you know, age means nothing when it comes to this stuff, but that's where my mind was. And I think going through that and then having to build myself back up and getting to [00:11:00] do that, like being, being, feeling really good again.
[00:11:03] feeling like I myself, I didn't want to lose that ever again. So I'm like, no, if this isn't going to align, I can't stay like,
[00:11:10] Lily: well, and how long was that span of time after the seven year relationship ended to being with someone new and breaking it off with him? Like, what was that span of time? Cause it sounds like a really formative time.
[00:11:22] Oof.
[00:11:23] Danielle: Yeah. So But the, the seven year one, we broke up for a full year and then I met the next one and even, and, and Lily, even looking back to, I realize I probably wasn't fully ready to date the second guy, but it helped me so much. Like it, he helped, it helped me. Become more of me by dating him to be able to stand up for, like, to speak for myself for what I wanted.
[00:11:49] And I don't want to say that and like, you know, I feel horrible for him, but at the same time, I don't. He's dating someone new and I hope they get engaged. Like it'll, it'll be fine, but it was a rough road.
[00:11:59] Lily: So [00:12:00] when did we meet and like, how did that go down and how do you remember feeling at that time?
[00:12:06] Danielle: Ooh, yes.
[00:12:06] Okay. So I met him on Bumble actually. Okay. And, um, I liked his profile. I remember he had like a picture of the moon. He was a photographer. So I really liked that. Um, and we went on our 1st date and I was excited. It was like, the 1st time I was really excited about a person because I did go on 2 dates.
[00:12:28] before that, like within the time period and they were horrific. And I was like, what is it? It was helping feed my story of there's no one else. He was the right one.
[00:12:36] Lily: Right, right, right, right. So this was like a respite of like, Oh my God, there is a good date. Like, Oh my God, there is a good person who I can date and who is stable.
[00:12:44] And yeah,
[00:12:46] Danielle: exactly. Yeah. It felt, it almost felt like it needed to happen to like, Rest my soul for a minute, if that makes sense, because the other piece too, was like, while all that happened with breaking up with, with the seven year one, like that [00:13:00] meant I lost my dog. I lost my apartment. I lost my, my dad passed away that a couple of months later.
[00:13:05] It was like, it was a really rough year. So I almost feel like meeting my last ex. It was like a nice. It's just time period to rest for a minute, but yeah, so I remember feeling really excited and we did, we had a lot in common and yeah, I was like attracted to him and I felt like this is fun. I want to see you again.
[00:13:25] Lily: And then how long were you together?
[00:13:28] Danielle: Um, 11 months, almost 11 months, almost a year. Yeah. Okay.
[00:13:32] Lily: So after you broke up with him. Tell me when you and I met and like how you were feeling at that point and what that was like. I remember the DMs.
[00:13:41] Danielle: Oh God, I'm sorry.
[00:13:43] Lily: Why are you sorry? I loved it. So tell me, tell, tell, yeah, go ahead.
[00:13:47] Danielle: Yeah. You helped snap me out of it a little bit because I remember I, I I'll step back in a second, but when I did DM you, you already like closed the doors to BB. I had. And I was like, I, my sister who joined like [00:14:00] two weeks before me was like, just ask her, like, maybe she'll let you. And I'm like, all right, I'll try.
[00:14:04] So I DM'd you. You literally were like, I remember something like, as long as you're not coming from like a desperate energy. I don't know if that's the exact word you said, but you were like, as long as you're not coming from like a A desperate place. Then I think this could be good for you. And it kind of snapped me out because for a minute I was coming from a desperate place.
[00:14:22] I kind of was, I was like, I need help. Like I, I just felt like I needed something more, but what I really love about you, like about this program is you're kind of like, I'm here to help with your dating, but like, you should also get support through a therapist as well. So really for the first time I got a therapist too, which has been helpful.
[00:14:42] But yeah, so, so at that point we broke up and I feel like it was probably a month after that breakup. I just felt so hopeless. Again, the age thing was a big factor for me. Like I felt like I always imagined I would have been married already or engaged. And all my friends around me [00:15:00] were going through the total opposite of my life.
[00:15:02] Like they were all getting engaged or they were all like, it was a year coming up of bachelorettes and, and marriages and, Soon to be babies like it was total. I felt very isolated like in my friend group and it wasn't them doing it. It was my own mental thoughts about it.
[00:15:19] Lily: Well, and there's also the practicality of that, right?
[00:15:22] There is a practical aspect of like, I'm spending all of this money and time and energy celebrating my friends in this place in life that I want to be. I mean, that can be really difficult. And of course, it's isolating.
[00:15:37] Danielle: Yeah, no, exactly. Yeah, it was. It was really hard, but I also felt proud in a way of like how I showed up for them.
[00:15:46] And it, it, the other thing I should mention here is BB helped with this too. But I think my, my own reflections before BB also, I realized that Wow. Like, how was I showing up to my [00:16:00] friends during, like being in that other relationship because that during that time is when most of them were single and doing their thing, like, you know, dating and everything.
[00:16:07] And how was I showing up and, and helping to support them. And after I had broken up with the seven year one, I, I kind of like went around to my friends and almost did an apology tour because I felt so deeply about. Wow. Like, I feel like I hope I was able to support you enough during those moments of being single and like finding it hard because of course I had friends who would like be upset some days because they just didn't have anyone.
[00:16:33] And I'm like, I, I hope I showed up enough for you. And I've had really good deep conversations with my friends about it. And of course, most of them were really like, Danielle, like you, you did everything you could in that moment. Like no, no one felt like I wasn't showing up, but. Yeah. There was one of the, the coaching sessions and BB that
[00:16:51] Lily: brazen breakthrough, by the way.
[00:16:53] Yep. Sorry.
[00:16:54] Danielle: Brazen right there. It's our,
[00:16:54] Lily: it's our shorthand. Yep.
[00:16:57] Danielle: Yeah. Uh, someone was asking about [00:17:00] like, it was something about similar to that, like showing up and friends supporting you. And like someone mentioned that, Oh, their friend, like sometimes they'll want to like take my phone and like swipe for me or something.
[00:17:10] And. I died inside a little because it was like, oh my God, like, I used to do that to my friends, like, I'd be like, oh, I used to do some of the things, not intentionally to be any certain way. You don't realize how you're coming off sometimes. And I think that that's what was happening. Like, I'd be like, oh, let me swipe for you or.
[00:17:28] Kind of dig around like, well, that date didn't go great, but maybe you should just give them another chance. Like giving that type of energy. And that's why I'm so grateful for this course, because I never want to be that way again. And not only with dating, but also with like, just people, you know, my friends who are job searching or doing whatever it is they're doing.
[00:17:50] It doesn't matter what I think it matters what they, like, how do they feel about it?
[00:17:54] Lily: So being able to,
[00:17:56] Danielle: to support people better just in life. Yeah. Is a [00:18:00] big thing I got out of this and for myself, like, how do I show up for myself during these hard times? Because going in to baby, I had an intention of, oh, I'm going to get a boyfriend by the end of this.
[00:18:13] Like, that's, that's the goal. Like, I'm going to feel good and I'll get a guy, but it's so much more than that. Like, I, I didn't even know what to expect with what I got out of it. Um, and it's, it's all about like, yeah. For me, anyway, it's like the, the self compassion piece. How do you show up for yourself?
[00:18:31] And you can't control when you're going to need someone. But how are you living your life in the interim? Because that's what's important. Um, and, and you can't escape like the hard days. Like, to be honest with you, I had a cry day 3 days ago about like. Really just about, like, being single and, like, feeling, like, lonely, not in, like, a desperate way, but just feeling lonely, like, not having a person.
[00:18:57] I feel like holidays do that sometimes, like, Easter just [00:19:00] passed, but I was able to show up to myself for myself, like, with self compassion and. Being able to, like, feel it out rather than be like, Oh, I'm going to go back to old habits or, Oh, maybe my ex was the one for me or have these other thoughts that I know aren't true.
[00:19:15] Lily: I think that what you did and having a cry day and doing it with compassion because you learned that skill, you practice that skill, you went hard on that skill, which it sounds like changed the trajectory of like micro change the trajectory of your week and month. Because if you hadn't. Allowed yourself that space to be human.
[00:19:35] And instead we're like, shut up. Okay. We just did a jump into action or like, shut up. Stop. Stop being upset. Like, we'll figure this out. Or like, oh, my God, everything's hopeless. Like either the overfunctioning micromanaging, getting back into old habits or the under functioning. I don't want to do any of this anymore.
[00:19:51] I'm not going to pursue my desires. I'm not going to date right. You Instead of bottling that up and, and delaying the inevitable big cry, you [00:20:00] allowed it, didn't make it mean anything about you or your future. You just like allowed yourself to be human. And then we're like, okay, it sounds like you were like feeling more aligned afterward.
[00:20:11] Danielle: I absolutely was. Yeah. Like I felt, I felt really good after actually, I was just like, these days happen and I still, like, I have belief that eventually I'll meet my person, you know, it'll happen, but I feel like again, more than anything out of this course, it wasn't even like related to dating for me.
[00:20:30] Like I was in such a place where. I wasn't, I, I didn't know who I was. Like, I, I was always in relationships to where I like, just was popped out as an adult, I feel like, at like 31. And I was like, okay, what is, what do I like to do? What am I? You know, how am I going to make new friends? And I was almost in this position where I needed to go out and, like, have the support from the community and brazen, which was my, my sister who joined 2 weeks before was very like, Danielle, [00:21:00] you'll get so much out of the community piece.
[00:21:02] And that really was my favorite piece seeing other people being like. You know, all my friends are, are married or whatever, but I want to go do this thing. So I just went on my own and I did this. Being that in the Slack channel was like huge for me. It was like therapy every night that I would read through.
[00:21:18] And it kind of made me feel like a lot better, less shame around like, Oh, I want to go do this thing solo. There's nothing wrong with it. And it's also like, again, the community of like, well, other people are doing it too. So it's all good, you know? So yeah, I just feel like it's helped me live my life. More fully and not feel bad about it or feel like I'm not married.
[00:21:41] So that means something about me or I'm 34 and I, you know, whatever, like I should be somewhere farther along in life. I feel like what I realized is. Marriage doesn't make you happy. Like that's not what makes you happy.
[00:21:59] Lily: So [00:22:00] good. Okay. Say more.
[00:22:02] Danielle: Yeah. Like, uh, just the other day, two weeks ago, I went to do like a candle making class and there was a girl. It was, it was all women. And I noticed everyone was like, had a ring and like, I just, it's something I still notice she was the girl across from me was complaining to her friend about her husband.
[00:22:20] And like, I don't know exactly what she was saying, but she just, that she was annoyed with him and they've been in a fight for like two days. And the friend next to her was like, honestly, like, I'm so happy I'm single. Like, I don't ever want to feel that way. And like, although it's not, it was a, just for the listeners, like in, in brazen breakthrough, we do like the thank you more, please challenge and stuff like that, it was almost like a twisted.
[00:22:41] Thank you more.
[00:22:43] Lily: Right.
[00:22:43] Danielle: It wasn't like where you would think, which would be like, Oh, someone loving their husband. Oh, thank you more, please. It was more like a, it was like a validation of, see, you don't need to have a partner to be happy. Like that, that friend who is single in this moment is happier than [00:23:00] the married person.
[00:23:00] Like for me personally, that's the kind of stuff that I need to see considering like my relationship history. Like, I feel like that that's what helps me a lot.
[00:23:09] Lily: Finding
[00:23:09] Danielle: this sense of like. Self and not needing another person to define me in any way.
[00:23:13] Lily: Yeah,
[00:23:14] Danielle: it's funny because it's like, this whole course is mainly about, you know, it's dating, but it's like I said, it's, it's not though it's, it's more about like you and how you take care of yourself and, and I just got so much out of it, but
[00:23:29] Lily: I'm so grateful to.
[00:23:30] Hear all of that and I just want to go back to our initial conversation and something that you said, like that. And I don't remember what words I used either, but what I could hear from your messages at the time was this sense of like, can you fix this? This isn't fixable. Right? Like, please, like, you're like, this is one of the last things that I can think to do to fix this problem.
[00:23:55] Right? Like my sister says that it's good, but I don't know if it's right for me. And I don't know [00:24:00] if that and, you know, and it's by the way, okay to feel desperate. It's a feeling.
[00:24:06] Danielle: Yeah. And
[00:24:06] Lily: so, uh, I wanted for you and everybody who joins us to not make a decision. I think like. Make a decision in that moment that you feel desperate to care for yourself when you feel desperate is not the time to like, I think that standing in your power to make that decision in whatever way you can.
[00:24:34] Is what creates like the most powerful brazen breakthrough experiences, and it's okay to feel desperate. But what I wanted to do, and it happened in a moment. We shifted that desperation. You shifted that desperate desperation and just like one moment. It wasn't like a whole week. It wasn't like it was like.
[00:24:50] So what helped you shift from feeling like. Desperate. Like this has got to be, it's got to fix my problem to like, huh. Okay. Maybe this would be [00:25:00] helpful and supportive. Does that make sense?
[00:25:02] Danielle: Yeah. I think I just like you kind of saying, like, as long as you're not coming from this desperate place, then this could be good for you.
[00:25:08] Like it almost like snapped me out of the, this isn't the end of the world. Like it made me feel like I'm kind of spiraling for, I don't want to say no reason, but like it's a little bit. I don't want to say dramatic either, but
[00:25:22] Lily: I'm really grateful that you allowed yourself to be bare, right? And to like, be honest.
[00:25:27] I don't want anybody to mask the feeling of desperation. If that's what they're feeling. I want them to come to my dms or come to the webinar or come to the open house or come to my email inbox and like, put it on the table, put it out there so that you can be coached through that into your fiercest.
[00:25:45] Yes or no.
[00:25:46] Danielle: No, that makes total sense. And I'm, I'm so happy I took the leap because, because of me doing that I've done, I've made a whole list of things that I've done here. And
[00:25:58] Lily: tell me, wait, like, [00:26:00] wait, let's go. Let's do the list. What's on the list that you've created inside of the brazen breakthrough?
[00:26:04] Because I do, I want to hear about the mindset shifts. I want to hear about the practical dating shifts. I want to hear about the life shit. Like, tell me all of it. What did you do inside of brazen breakthrough?
[00:26:13] Danielle: Okay. So, well, the, the physical things is like, I went, like, it's made me become more open to strangers when I say that, because like, you know, to go meet new people.
[00:26:24] Um, so I joined a meetup group and attended solo. And I went to a couple of those events. I traveled solo, which was big for me. I'm a big anxious traveler.
[00:26:34] Lily: Okay. Where did you go?
[00:26:35] Danielle: To see my friend in Charleston.
[00:26:37] Lily: Love.
[00:26:37] Danielle: Um, I joined a book club, which I'm still, you know, I've been doing, I got way more creative, it's.
[00:26:43] I don't want to go too far down a hole, but creativity has always been like, a difficult thing for me. And I know that's so strange because most people find it easy to be creative. And
[00:26:53] Lily: I wouldn't say so, but continue.
[00:26:55] Danielle: Yeah. So, so I did a lot of creative things [00:27:00] like, um, You know, went to a candle holder maker class and did a like six week mosaics class, um, zip lining.
[00:27:08] I did a mind travel event. Oh my God. I totally recommend it to anybody. They usually come through. Well, they're in all over the country, but they'll go to the beach usually. And like put sunflowers everywhere, live piano, you put on headphones for two hours and it's just live piano. It's like a two hour meditation.
[00:27:24] It's really cool.
[00:27:25] Lily: Wow.
[00:27:26] Danielle: I did some solo cooking classes, joined a writing group. Wait, pause it
[00:27:31] Lily: here. Put a, put a, put a, put a pin in that. Okay. Like where you are in the list. What the fuck helped you get from? Creativity is hard for me to, you know, like generate. It's hard for me to get there. I don't get to want what I want.
[00:27:48] I don't know who I am to after these relationships to this list. Just what you've shared right now for a lot of people. They'd be like [00:28:00] half of that a fourth of that in a year. It would be like, yeah, I did these things this year. You're like knocking them off the list. What's happening? How did you get there?
[00:28:07] What what lesson or what? What? Um, yeah. What turning point helped you get there?
[00:28:13] Danielle: Yeah. Honestly, a lot of it was the community, like seeing so many other people doing it, I was like, I'm going to go do these things with or without someone. Um, so it was kind of like seeing what you want as possible through someone else.
[00:28:29] Yeah. So it was a lot of love that, yeah. And I think it was a lot of too, like one of your, as you know, one of your like main quotes is like, I'm willing to feel uncomfortable, like those kinds of things, I'm like, As you know, I mentioned I'm like a creature of comfort or was a creature of comfort. Um, so I had to like push myself a little bit, like it's okay to feel uncomfortable if I want to change how I feel, if I want to change my life, not even just in the dating world, like in general life.
[00:28:57] I'm going to have to sometimes feel uncomfortable. [00:29:00] So I was like, I'm doing that.
[00:29:01] Lily: Yeah. Yes. Okay. So what else did you do? What continued your list?
[00:29:05] Danielle: Um, I did a somatic, like a 30 day somatic healing program, which was just like a 30 day, like exercise program, which was amazing. I started therapy
[00:29:16] Lily: and
[00:29:18] Danielle: I have some things coming up.
[00:29:20] Like tomorrow I'm going to Philly to see, I don't know if you've heard of Esther Perel.
[00:29:25] Lily: Yeah. I
[00:29:26] Danielle: love her. She's speaking. She's going on a speaking tour. So I'm going to Philly. And then later this month, Felicia shout out one of the XBB members. Um, we're going to a TEDx talk and. And in May I booked like a solo, it's solo, but like with a group Contiki tour trip through the, uh, like Nashville, NOLA, Houston, like all over, like a nine day trip.
[00:29:54] Lily: Fun. Oh my God, Danielle, if, if Danielle, you know, 12 months ago. [00:30:00] 13 months ago could see you now, like, what do you think she would?
[00:30:06] Danielle: She would be like, Hey,
[00:30:07] Lily: about where you are right now.
[00:30:08] Danielle: I think that she'd be like, really shocked that I did any of this because I was so cocooned and so like, I'm just going to see like the same friends I always see and like not ever venture outside of my comfort zone.
[00:30:23] That's really where I was living. Yeah. I just feel so much more fulfilled in life now. Like, like I said, of course I still have hard days where I could be upset about something, but the whole point, at least for me with this is how you get through the hard day. Like, are you going to treat yourself with self compassion or are you going to be like, Oh my God, there's something wrong with me.
[00:30:44] Lily: Right. Which, yeah. And tell me about the, I want to hear about two things. First, I want to hear about the in person friendships that you built with the Brazen Breakthrough.
[00:30:54] Danielle: Yep.
[00:30:56] Lily: So let's start there. Tell me about like in person meetups or, you know, [00:31:00] like meeting up with people from the brazen breakthrough.
[00:31:01] Danielle: Yeah. So I, I forget what we call it and maybe like accountability buddy or something, but that was Felicia. She's awesome. So we still hang out every now and then we've gone to a concert together. We're going to the Ted talk together. Um, we'll text all the time. Um, so it's been amazing to meet someone who.
[00:31:21] That's what's so great is to meet people who are like kind of in your same boat. Same boat, but a little bit different too. So it's been awesome to just have someone to like text about how dates go or I'm feeling kind of lonely today or whatever it is. So it's been great doing that. And then I'm just going like doing my solo things and like.
[00:31:41] meeting people, you know, whether or not they turn into like a true friend, I'm gonna go like, hang out with Solo. Like, I still see them at all the events and it's, it's just nice to like, build a community for myself.
[00:31:55] Lily: Yes. I'm wondering about the dating impact. Like, what has dating [00:32:00] felt like for you? What is, what, how are you thinking about it differently?
[00:32:04] Yeah. Have you been on any great dates? Like, tell me about it. Oh,
[00:32:07] Danielle: I have. Yeah. So I want to say like, the first five months. Uh, BB, it was kind of. Growing pains. It was hard. I was like, I wasn't really going on dates and I was still kind of in that, like, not great headspace, but getting better because I was in the program.
[00:32:25] Um, but once I went through the, I forget what modules, what, but once I like defined what my boundaries were, that has been really helpful. That probably was one of the biggest things for me, like with the apps, having a boundary around it because I found myself. At one point, just like checking it almost like social media.
[00:32:46] And, um, one of the things we do and the program is create boundaries around, how do you want to feel when you're using the app? Like maybe set a time limit. Um, maybe there's tools like do a meditation before to like, feel [00:33:00] really present. So for me, some of those things are like, I, there was one point where I really would set a timer for like 10 minutes.
[00:33:08] Now I don't do that. I don't do that anymore, but I. I just check in with myself. Like, how am I feeling? So usually it's like at the end of the day. After I'm done with everything I need to do, and I feel relaxed and I feel like I want to go on the app, you know, I don't do it every night because I'll check it and I'll be like, do I feel like doing this?
[00:33:25] What's my energy? So, um, yeah, I'll go on and just I usually still only spend like, 10 minutes, but I'll just kind of go through really like, be intentional about profiles. Do Does this person sound intriguing? Am I attracted to their look? You know, so, um, having that. And once I do start the conversation with the person, I love the voice noting.
[00:33:47] That's been a thing. And it's funny. I shouted that out in Slack and some people DM to me like, wait, how do you approach this? Like, how do you actually do this? Cause that's a good idea. Because for me, I feel like your voice says so much about you, [00:34:00] your tone, how you talk, the words you use. Like, I feel like I can.
[00:34:04] I need a vibe check before I meet you. And a
[00:34:07] Lily: voice is a great like level one vibe check for sure.
[00:34:10] Danielle: Yeah. So I, I've been doing that. It's kind of been like my rule, I guess, where like, I want to, I'll send a voice note and usually they just send it back. It hasn't been trouble yet. Um, but I'll just send a voice note, they'll voice note back.
[00:34:22] And then we just kind of continue in, in the voice note conversation. And then we might switch back to text, but at least I kind of feel like, okay, I got that vibe check because I don't like giving my number out before a date. Like before, yeah.
[00:34:33] Lily: And and I love that. Okay. So that in and of itself is a boundary.
[00:34:37] A lot of people overthink that boundary as well. And they're like, Oh, like, what does they think that I don't want to get my number and you're just like, no, this is what I do. Yeah. Period. I also hear the very boundary. Like I do voice memos. It's my rule. This like reclaiming of. Your rules for yourself that serve you based on what you want and need instead of the rule of like, [00:35:00] Oh, I need to care, give for them, or I need people, please, or I need to do whatever.
[00:35:03] It's just like, no, like I'm doing this on my terms. I love that energy.
[00:35:07] Danielle: And I had to learn that the hard way because one of the dates, one of the first dates I went on and BB, I. This is kind of how this rule came up for me. I, I was chatting with this guy for a couple days and he ended up, he asked me out to dinner and I was like, sure, but there was a piece of me that wanted to hear his voice.
[00:35:26] Like I already felt these things, but wasn't acting on them. I didn't act on it. I went on the date and overall, like the date was okay. I knew kind of right away. This wasn't going to be like, it wasn't going to work for me. That first date within the program, I feel like made me realize, okay, this is why we're doing what we're doing to like better weed people out.
[00:35:44] And to make sure I like have my QD questions, which I don't have right in front of me, but like whatever my QD questions are
[00:35:52] Lily: qualifying, disqualifying questions. Everyone we have, we have shorthand to the best,
[00:35:57] Danielle: sorry. Yeah. Um, no, it's fine. [00:36:00] That like, I, I actually, you know, they have the core. Intrigue that I need for a first date.
[00:36:06] Yep.
[00:36:06] Lily: Yep. Rather than just going out with
[00:36:08] Danielle: whoever asks kind of thing, you know,
[00:36:09] Lily: and just want to point out to listeners. We in the brazen breakthrough, I, I coach on like people can get very overwhelmed with like, what's the right decision? Who do I go out with? Who do I say no to? Who do I bless and release?
[00:36:20] And so just to make it simpler, the, the sort of guideline is if you feel intrigue or curiosity, then keep it, keep it moving, keep it going. If you don't feel any more intrigue or curiosity, it's a good thing. So, um, I love that you're using that. Have you been on any, like, great dates?
[00:36:37] Danielle: I have.
[00:36:38] Lily: In your last 12 months?
[00:36:39] Tell me.
[00:36:39] Danielle: Yeah. So, I, another one I matched with, we did the voice noting, which was great. We did a lot of voice noting. You know, we talked a lot. We actually talked for like maybe two weeks before he asked me out. Which I feel like is kind of a while, in my opinion. Now that I'm, now that I've been doing it, I feel like that's kind of a long time.
[00:36:59] But.
[00:36:59] Lily: [00:37:00] Yeah,
[00:37:00] Danielle: so we chatted we went and
[00:37:01] Lily: based on your cutoff point or like, you know, like in messaging you can make it longer shorter based on your experience, but continue.
[00:37:09] Danielle: Yeah, so we went to dinner and we just had a lot in common. I felt like I. I limited myself to one drink. That's like also another boundary rule I created where I want to be like present in the mind, you know, not that I was before this, but you know what I mean?
[00:37:25] I want to be present. So we had one drink, we had a great conversation. I think it was like almost three hours of just. A drink that 1 drink, like, just talking.
[00:37:34] Lily: Wow. Yeah.
[00:37:36] Danielle: And it all went well. We did go on a 2nd date. We actually went on 3 dates total. And then I, I don't really know exactly what happened to be honest.
[00:37:45] Cause I feel like he was. Kind of giving, he was saying certain things, but then not really actions adding up kind of thing. Like he'd be like, Oh, I, I had so much fun. Like I can't wait to see you again. But then a week would go by before he texted me [00:38:00] like after the dates, which for me, I feel like is a little bit, it doesn't feel like you're interested after we go on a date and you don't do that.
[00:38:07] But,
[00:38:07] Lily: so what did you do?
[00:38:08] Danielle: Um, so we got to the third date and then after that, he, I have to say, Lily, I didn't actually bless and release with any messages. We kind of just fell off. Like we just kind of stopped talking and it happened to, because he kind of knew it was my birthday too. And in my head, I'm like, okay, let's see how this goes.
[00:38:26] We talked a lot about that. And then afterwards, he's like, Oh, I had a great time. Like maybe we can hang out again soon. Kind of left it open ended. And then I think it was like three days later was my birthday. He never texted. And then we just kind of never talked again. So there, there wasn't real closure with like a blessing release in that it was a good while it lasted.
[00:38:45] It was good.
[00:38:47] Lily: What did you take away from that?
[00:38:48] Danielle: Um, I took away that I want to be more intentional around this type of thing. So like, if I end up having a good date, I want to say like, okay, We had, it seems like we had [00:39:00] a great time together. Like, where do you stand? And then kind of have more of a closure rather than it just dwindling out.
[00:39:07] Lily: It's interesting though, if you don't mind me like coaching you on this for a moment, which is like, here's the thing about the date feedback system specifically, and I don't know if you were using that. And I want, yeah, that
[00:39:18] Danielle: was really helpful.
[00:39:19] Lily: Well, how was that helpful? Tell me more. It's a spread for everybody who doesn't know it's my spreadsheet inside of the brazen breakthrough date.
[00:39:25] Feedback system is like checking in after every day with your date intuition, like with your essence based preferences and, but we are creating a date feedback review process and the brazen breakthrough now to like help you with next dates, but continue, what did you take away from that?
[00:39:43] Danielle: It made me not go run to like a friend or a sister and be like, Oh, this is how this date went.
[00:39:49] Like prematurely, like usually right after I go and call someone and like, talk about it or whatever, without giving myself time to like, actually think about wait, how did I really feel [00:40:00] through this? So again, created kind of another boundary with myself where like, Usually it would be like night dates. So we'd go on a date and I would sleep on it.
[00:40:08] And then the next morning fill out the thing. And yeah, it made me realize that if it wasn't for brazen, I think I could have easily ended up in other relations. Like things could have just, I probably would have. Accepted things and like fell into relationships without really thinking through. Wait, do I want that relationship?
[00:40:31] Do I even really like this person? So it helped me with that a lot.
[00:40:36] Lily: Well, and that's I think the magic is like, so many people say I would have ended up with this person for years. Had I not tuned in with my intuition with this, like, yeah, Process of this, this question that you asked me, like I would have spent years toiling in that relationship and it's, it's time out for that.
[00:40:54] Like you, you get to know what you want. And the thing about this date that you're describing and why I was [00:41:00] like interested in coaching on this for a while. A moment is that it's interesting because most people, most people can tell me what happened. You said, I don't really know what happened. I think you do.
[00:41:12] And that's the mat, which is exactly like, we don't know, like whether they were wild stuff was happening at work or they didn't really want a relationship or they had just gotten divorced. So they didn't tell you, or like they. Yeah. You know, had met somebody else or whatever it is. You don't, you won't know that, but you do know your actions aren't lining up with your words.
[00:41:33] And that is a red flag. And moving forward, you can check in about that and be like, Hey, you say this, but you're doing this, just want to check in intentionally, like what's going on, you also don't have to, right? Like you get to take somebody at, you know, Dr. Maya Angelou and someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
[00:41:52] It's like you, I don't mind a fizzle if you are do, if you're like, [00:42:00] not for me. You know what I'm saying?
[00:42:01] Danielle: Yeah, yeah, 100%. No, I do. And I like that you, how does that feel? I like it. I like that you pointed that out. That, um, It's like, no, I actually do know what happened. And it is true. Like there, the actions weren't aligning kind of thing.
[00:42:15] Lily: Yeah. Yeah. What do you, what do you think you're taking away? Obviously there's so much in your personal life that has shifted. And I think that does come into your dating life as well. Of course, right. Your willingness to take risks, your willingness to be uncomfortable, your willingness to ask deeper questions, ask a qualifying, disqualifying questions, your willingness to know you.
[00:42:34] Your own essence based preferences, which I know yours are amazing. Like all of that has shifted for you. And I hear that you have really centered yourself in your life, not just your dating life. What do you think has chained about changed about your love life and how do you like currently feel about your, the trajectory of your love life?
[00:42:55] Danielle: I feel like I used to play so [00:43:00] much self worth, like all of my self worth and relationships and how I measured like. What makes a good relationship has changed. Like, it used to be very much based on, like, how long you've been together or all these things that I'm realizing actually don't really mean much.
[00:43:17] Um, and it made me look at, like, Who I am isn't defined by that. Isn't defined by my boyfriend status, like whatever, you
[00:43:28] Lily: know?
[00:43:30] Danielle: So, yeah. And I feel like as far as the actual dating goes, I think it's become a lot more intentional. Um, and it's been, it's become a lot more like about me because it's, that's another thing.
[00:43:42] I just feel like was super unexpected for me where I thought dating used to be like, Oh, here's my checklist of like, this is what I would want. But in reality, it's actually so much more deeper, like about you than the external, like, and it's just blows me away. [00:44:00] Cause I never realized that, like, I never realized that was such a huge piece of it.
[00:44:05] And I feel like now I have like a lot of the tools that we were taught, like the self compassion piece and the, just the boundary setting and the check in with yourself, because unfortunately, like. Society doesn't tell you these things and if anything, it's just like, oh, well, you're on this timeline and you should be here and you're not.
[00:44:24] So just settle for this. Like, that's the feeling you get. So unless you're like, choosing to step up and, and do this for yourself. To live aligned. It's hard to do. So that's why I'm glad that that's like definitely one of my biggest takeaways and how like my dating life has changed. It's really my mindset around the dating that has changed.
[00:44:46] Lily: Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think that it's the I'm hearing that it's mindset plus tools that you have the mindset. And you're out of the scarcity mode and that you're [00:45:00] using tools like boundaries, like essence based premises, like qualifying, disqualifying questions because of your mindset.
[00:45:05] Danielle: Yes.
[00:45:06] Lily: Like your thought, your new thoughts.
[00:45:07] Like what are some thoughts that you now have about yourself and your dating life that you didn't have? 12 months ago or beliefs.
[00:45:13] Danielle: Yeah. I was going to say though, I remember the moment in this program where my brain, like, I feel like I saw my brain switch and it was in, I think it was the in person dating module where you're just kind of like, fuck it.
[00:45:25] Like you almost like go on this. I don't want to say go on a rant, but you're like, fuck this. Like who said it has to be this way. Who said the guy has to come up to you first or whatever the dating rules are. And it felt so like, okay, finally, someone's saying this out loud. Like I'm sick of like pretending there's like all these weird ass rules or like weird ass timelines that don't actually exist because you, everyone's on their own path that I remember specifically watching that being like, Oh my God, it's clicking.
[00:45:56] And that was probably like six months in. And it just like changed for [00:46:00] me. Yeah. So that that was a big thing for me, but I'm sorry. What was the original question? I needed to share that. No,
[00:46:06] Lily: like the, the, the beliefs that you now have.
[00:46:08] Danielle: Yes. Oh, that you didn't
[00:46:09] Lily: have before.
[00:46:10] Danielle: Similar to what I was saying with like the self worth stuff, like you need to know who you are for your own self.
[00:46:17] And even like, even if you're married, you're still your own self, like you still have to take care of you. And if you lack the caring of you, your relationship is going to suffer and you have no idea, like you can get divorced at, you know, much later in life than you had expected. Someone can pass away, like all these different things can happen.
[00:46:36] So that's why it's important to like. not rely on an external source for that sense of wellness or like that sense of being. Yeah. Like it's, it's not about the external.
[00:46:48] Lily: And you reclaimed that for yourself. You literally reclaimed your sense of self. You could have continued on gotten married to someone who, you know, [00:47:00] like you weren't sharing your wants and needs with, like, You know, like, and that is what a lot of people have done and they are coming into themselves at different points.
[00:47:09] Hopefully, you know, and I'm just so proud that you chose this inflection point this moment, this time to listen to your heart pull as your sister shared. She like, that's her words when she joined and that you like. Allowed yourself to be vulnerable enough to try something new because I know that that like choosing this was probably out of your comfort.
[00:47:30] Choosing brazen breakthrough was probably out of your comfort zone.
[00:47:34] Danielle: Yeah, it definitely was. So I'm proud of that too. I feel really good about that. Yeah.
[00:47:39] Lily: Good. What last question, what would you say to folks who are on the fence about joining us?
[00:47:45] Danielle: Ooh, yeah. I would say if you've ever had like a moment where you feel like You know, just a thought of like, all your friends are somewhere else and you're not there yet, or you just feel like no one kind of understands [00:48:00] for whatever reason about like, how you feel about dating, whether it's like societal, like we were just talking about, you know, if you ever have like any type of self talk that is negative, you will get something out of this.
[00:48:12] And for me, it was worth it. Like it was worth it to join this and just like literally change your brain. Literally change your brain. Yeah. On how you think through things. Yeah.
[00:48:23] Lily: It sounds like you have so much more creativity in your life right now. How so much self trust in your life right now that I'm hearing.
[00:48:30] And I'm just so honored to witness this chapter of your journey. And I can't wait to see what. Else you co create, you know, and, um, what you attract with this vibrancy that you're like living into, you know?
[00:48:47] Danielle: Yeah. Thank you. I'm excited too.
[00:48:49] Lily: Thank you more, please. Thank you so much for coming on Danielle. I'm so grateful that you were willing to share your story and, and come on and talk with us y'all.
[00:48:59] If you [00:49:00] want to join the brazen breakthrough, check out the link of the description of this episode or the link in the show notes. We are opening very, very soon. Thanks again, Danielle. Bye.