148. How to get out of scarcity decisions in dating
This week Lily is addressing two common questions asked by participants of her upcoming LIVE training. In this episode, Lily discusses how to get out of scarcity decisions in dating, how to feel worthy of what you want, and how to center yourself in your dating life.
This episode is a reminder to look critically at your dating patterns with self-compassion and embrace an abundance mentality. By doing so, you'll be on your way to finding the magical love you deserve.
Workshop Alert! For folks catching this episode on the day and year that it drops (March 28th, 2023): Tonight is Lily’s live training, “Create a Joyful-As-F*ck Dating Life!” You don’t want to miss it! Lily is going to teach you how to build a dating life that both feels incredible and attracts the right partner with ease. Go here to RSVP!
Hot-takes and how-tos from this episode:
Why it's important to look at dating patterns with self-compassion
Recognizing you are deserving of love and affection
By interrupting the pattern of centering someone else, you can focus on your own desires and center yourself in your dating journey
The abundance mentality and the belief that what you want exists
Links:
Join us for the Create a Joyful-As-Fuck Dating Life Workshop TONIGHT (3/28/23)!
Join the Brazen Breakthrough
Date Brazen on Instagram
Date Brazen on TikTok
Subscribe to The Date Brazen Podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or Stitcher!
Show transcript:
Lily
Hello Gorgeous friends. Welcome to another episode of the date brazen podcast. This one is very special, especially for folks who are catching this on the day that it drops in the year that it drops. So if you are listening to this on Tuesday, March 28, before 6pm, Eastern in the year of our Lord 2023 then tonight is my live training that you're going to want to get your butt into because it's going to be so fun, so inspiring. And I'm going to claim it it's going to change your dating life. Like it's going to change the way that you approach dating full stop. It's called Creating a joyful a fuck dating life. And it is available for you to RSVP to the link is in the description of this episode. I wanted to start by saying alert alert tonight is my live free training, creating a joyful as fuck dating life and you need to get there if you've been liking this podcast. If you have been resonating then this room is one you need to be in the chat alone is going to change your life. This live workshop is going to give you step by step exactly how you can create a joyful as fuck dating life that makes the right relationship inevitable. One that centers your worthiness right now, that centers your wholeness right now, a joyful as fuck dating life that is full of your agency and self trust and play and fuck it energy with all of the emotional safety. That is what we're going to cover tonight how to create that, because I know that the right relationship becomes inevitable when you get yourself in the way of courageous aligned opportunity. And so coming to a workshop like this one tonight is an invitation to the first step, like into aligned opportunity into putting yourself out there with more intention. So I'm so excited about it. Now this training is sponsored by my incredible program the brazen breakthrough. And just to remind you if you don't know the brazen breakthrough is my step by step feminist as fuck group program that is going to give you the tools to create that joyful as fuck dating life sustainably with community full of belonging. And it's that mindset work meets tactical strategies so that you can move out of the anxious overwhelming cycle of dating and into an agency filled path forward. That feels like self care. Because I don't know if you're aware of it. If you're listening to this podcast, it probably means that your dating life is low key high key bothering you, or annoying you or even more extreme, really getting under your skin, maybe even an ambient way in the back of your brain, you feel like Oh God, I know that I'm whole right now. And I just want something more here there has to be more than just mediocre dates, and ghosting and swiping on dating apps and feeling out of control of this process. And inside of the brazen breakthrough, you are going to create a dating life that is vibrant and brilliant. And that attracts the right people to you that attracts the right people to you with ease. You're going to build boundaries that are bolder than you've ever set before. You are going to get celebrated by other single badass is in our daily coaching Slack channel, where like they're going to celebrate the shit out of you like you've maybe never been celebrated before. You're going to be asked to show up and be celebrated be seen be coached in our monthly group coaching sessions for a year. And you're going to be asked to show up for your desires and let them take up more space in your day to day life. Specifically your love life desires, your love life desires do not take away from your wholeness right now. They make you whole they make you human, they desires make you human. So in this space in this room, you're going to learn how to allow your desire to take up more space, allow it to expand and you're gonna learn the tactical strategy to attract that which you desire to you. So that is the brazen breakthrough. Now brazen breakthrough closes on March 31. So in this workshop, you're going to get my step by step process. And you're also going to get a special invitation to join us inside brazen breakthrough and you're gonna get a VIP look in the back end. What is it like inside? What does our member portal look like? What does that on demand course look and feel like? What is going on in our Slack channel daily? What do we talk about in our monthly coaching sessions it's all going to be talked about in my free training. So if you want to join us if you've been thinking about joining us, the link to join us inside the brazen breakthrough right now before March 31 2023 at 11:59pm Eastern. The link to join us is in the description of this episode. And you have the link to RSVP for my free live workshop creating joyful as fuck dating life in the description of this episode as well. So for this episode, I really wanted to laser focus in on two questions that you might have. And you might have these questions in your dating life. And you're thinking, How could anyone or the brazen breakthrough or anything, fix these solve these questions? They feel so big and so looming large, when you register for our live training, you get an email, it's like, what do you want to learn about? And these folks responded with these questions. I really, really liked their questions. And I wanted to show you what it is like to get coaching around these very tender questions around the subject of feeling worthy for what you want, and getting into abundance versus scarcity in your dating decision making. So here is a little taste of what we're going to do inside the training tonight. And what we do every single day inside the brazen breakthrough, if you're listening to this after March 28 2023, or after March 31, when brazen breakthrough doors closed will open back up much later this year. I know that this episode will also serve you because these are questions that you've probably struggled with too at one point or another. Alright, let's get into it. Hey, I’m Lily Womble former top matchmaker and founder of date brazen, after setting up hundreds I realized that with coaching women could match themselves better than anyone else ever could. With my unconventional feminist approach, I've helped women around the world build courageous and self trust filled love lives. And now I'm here to support you get ready, because I'm about to share the exact steps you need to attract a soul quenching partnership and feel amazing about yourself along the way. This is the date brazen podcast.
This question was so good. I think I struggle with feeling like I'm deserving of magical love. And I tend to focus on what the other person likes or wants versus what I want or potentially deserve. So this points to why it is important to like, look critically at our dating patterns with all of the self compassion, right? So self compassion in response to this question. Sounds like this is a really hard fucking thought, mindfulness over identification, right? This is a really hard thought, I am struggling with this thought, wow, I don't think I'm deserving of the love that I want. Ooh, I think that this kind this sort of feeling. And thought comes up so often in the lives of women around me in my own life. Like, I'm not deserving of that magical thing. I'm not deserving of what I what I really desire. It's too much, it's too big. And so in response, your very human lizard brain focuses on dimming, I love that this person's had magical love, like they're claiming that they want this magical thing. And then in response to that it's shrinking. I focus on what other the other person wants, I don't actually send her the magical love that I want. I send her their experience. And specifically for folks who date men, women and people within our patriarchal society have been taught, let me use let me speak from the eye. I have been socialized to center the needs and wants of men around me for my own emotional safety. Now, I carry a lot of unearned privilege as a white woman, there are so much that people who hold marginalized identities go through in terms of needing to send to being taught to center other people for their own safety, even physical safety. Right. And so I'm just saying this is a bigger issue that we all need to take a hard look at in our own lives where we are where you are, potentially centering someone else in your life in your love life specifically, because that is what the patriarchy has been designed to teach us to do. So that the established order continues to be the established order so that white cis men continue to be in places of power because women or people who are not white cis men have been taught to center white cis men in but like specifically for dating a dating narrative. And it's a survival mechanism, right? Even if you don't cognitively resonate if you're like, I know that that's untrue. It could be something that your body is defaulting to out of a place of wanting to be safe. Because this thought I'm not deserving of the love that I the magical love that I want. That's a hard fucking thought. And in response to our thoughts, which are not facts, they're emotional interpretations of the world around us in response to our thoughts, our bodies have a reaction, our bodies have a reaction to our thoughts. And that reaction is a feeling a sensation. And we're neuro biologically wired to fear rejection, like we fear death, because when we lived in caves, when we were rejected, it meant being cut out and literally dying. And so in some ways, it is in very much all of the ways a survival mechanism to think I'm not deserving of it, because it's sort of beating the universe to the punch, like I feel rejection so much that I'm going to decide that I'm not deserving of the magical love that I want. So your body probably goes into save yourself mode, fight flight freeze, or fawn mode, in response to that thought, maybe your body, your nervous system is thrown into a fight flight or freeze RUN mode. And so then, when I'm activated, I don't make the highest decisions for myself. And what I really need is to slow down practice self compassion, reregulate take three big deep breaths, maybe move my body, maybe lay on the floor, maybe jump and shake around for a few minutes, maybe do a tapping meditation. I want to pass that along to you that the first part of this sentence, I'm struggling to feel like I'm deserving a magical love what's happening in your body? And then how can you move through that feeling. That's why in the brazen breakthrough, we start with the dating detox, which is like stop dating for at least a month, so that you can get quiet and get still with your inner knowing. And then doing the caring for your nervous system module. So that you can learn skills to practice self compassion practically actively daily, so that you can get really granular into what you're feeling what it's like in your body. And I also teach you a five step process to effectively move through hard feelings, right to reregulate. And this is hopefully when you join the brazen breakthrough. You're also working with an incredible therapist who is supporting you through all of these feelings and all of these thoughts. I think in response to the thought, I'm not deserving. Maybe you're feministy brain is coming roaring back. And it's like, no, you're wrong. That's the idea of the seesaw effect. So on one end of the seesaw, it's I'm not deserving of the magical love, I desire. And then on the other end of the seesaw, it’s like the angry opposite the No, I am. And it's like seesaw, seesaw back and forth, back and forth. And the seesaw, neither one of those thoughts is like the answer, right, stepping off of the seesaw to create a new neural pathway looks like caring for your nervous system, practicing self compassion, reregulating and then asking yourself What else might be true? Because I see that I'm not deserving of the magical love. The very natural next step is so I outsource my agency to someone else. Right. So stepping off of the seesaw is interrupting the pattern of going back and forth interrupting the pattern of centering someone else. Asking yourself What else might be true, it might be true that I am learning how to believe that I am deserving of magical love. It might be true that I am in process that I am imperfectly moving forward, you don't have to perfectly believe all of the time that you are deserving to attract your partner. You might want to borrow some of my belief I am very firm in my belief that your desire partnership is inevitable when you show the fuck up for yourself and your joy. And when you put yourself in the way of aligned opportunity. Borrow some of my belief I am steadfast also, building belief is like a slow process that takes work and so not expecting yourself to be perfect at it right now and not expecting yourself to be arrived right now. Right there is no Hogwarts there is no arrived. We are still continuing to go on the journey like it's step by step by step station by station move by move step by step. So then working on that stepping off of the seesaw. Getting yourself in community normalizing belonging, caring for your nervous system, practicing self compassion, then building on that work with identifying your essence based preferences, build building a qualifying disqualifying question system, really planning out what your boundaries are going to be in your dating life. All of that is the unhurried unfolding work that allows you to totally center yourself in your dating journey. You get to center yourself in your dating journey. It is not selfish. It is not harmful to center yourself. You centering yourself is best and what you want is best case scenario for the right person. Because when you center someone else in your dating journey, it is not their best case scenario either. Because I hope they want an equal partnership where both people are fully bought in just like them centering themselves and saying, hey, I want somebody was uniquely qualified for me serves you because they'll find you when they are leaning into I'm uniquely qualified. So that's my take on struggling to believe. And then centering someone else. I think it's that mindset meets tactical strategy that I teach inside that brazen breakthrough, why I really really focus on those two pieces. I also call it embracing the messy, so embracing your imperfection and your big feelings and learning how to move through them learning the practice of self compassion, learning how to have your own back when you have messy moments, showing up messily asking for what you want out loud and often practicing embracing the messy. And then partnered with embodying your mastery, embodying your mastery looks like knowing every single preference, knowing your boundaries, knowing your qualifying disqualifying questions, having a plan. So that's the piece that will help you center yourself and the both of those pieces will help you build belief that what you want does exist because you'll be in the practice of advocating for it so that you can start to see evidence that it exists because your brain will be attuned to it. So that's question number one that I wanted to focus on. I did want to focus on something and I'm hearing a lot of when people first joined brazen breakthrough, they come in, they join our Slack channel, they get access to every single video lesson and workbook immediately, they dive in immediately. They come in the Slack channel they introduce themselves. And I ask what's your intention for being here? And this is where people start to make friends. And they start to like, build and ask Coaching Questions and brag in the Slack channel and all these different tabs. It's amazing, I love it. Again, and again, something that I hear up top that people want to focus on what their intention is, is I want to route out scarcity decision making, I want to have abundance based decision making in my dating life. So this person wrote in, in response to the like, what do you want to learn about, she said, or they said abundance mentality when you struggle to see proof of the abundance and prospects around you. So here's the deal, you are in charge of where your brain pays attention. And if you are actively in safety mode in your dating life trying to survive, then your brain is looking for every reason that your desire is not possible to protect you from rejection. So your brain if you are not feeling emotionally safe in your dating life, if you are feeling consistently like Oh God, what I want isn't possible. It's a safety behavior, right? Searching for evidence that what you want doesn't exist your brain it's sort of like the the red car effect, right? When you're shopping for a red car, you start to see red cars everywhere because your brain is attuned to that data. Now same same is true in your dating life with perceiving options, when you are very clear on your essence based preferences and then you do the thank you more please challenge which we also talk a lot about inside the brazen breakthrough, where you're gonna go out into the world, you're going to actively seek out evidence that what you want does exist even tiny pieces of evidence and you're gonna write them down, and you're gonna like continue to write them down, you're gonna celebrate when you see evidence, you're going to say out loud, thank you more please, that is a practice to build evidence that what you want does exist. And it is about right abundance versus scarcity is ultimately for me, in my opinion about emotional safety. Because when you don't have the skills to move through hard as fuck experiences with self compassion, like rejection hurts like ghosting when you when you are not fluent in the language of self compassion, and emotional granularity and moving through your feelings with with effectiveness and care or when you are not in in belonging with other people who get your struggle and who are with you moving through it with you. Right? Of course you would default to scarcity all the time to protect yourself. So abundance mentality is about building a foundation of belonging to yourself first. It's not about perfection. It's not about Oh, I see abundance everywhere all the time and I never have scarcity feelings. No you're human right you want to survive sometimes you're going to be afraid and like go on a date that doesn't go as you planned and your brain is gonna freak out and be like what does this mean about my future you're going to be on a dating app and you're going to be in the brazen breakthrough I'm gonna teach you how to be so dang specific in your dating app and so joyful and all responses and all messages and all pictures and all prompts that you are going to get fewer matches. Because you are for the few not for the many and you I care about you getting higher quality matches than you going on a bunch of dates because bunch of dates is not an adequate metric to measure whether or not you're making progress, adequate metric is how fiercely Am I showing up for myself, how fiercely Am I being myself. So your nervous system will kick up some some response to having fewer matches or messages. And your job is to ground yourself in that I am trusting that I am for the few, not for the many. And that this is ultimately saving me heart time. This is ultimately getting me closer to the right person, because I'm finally advocating for what I want. And I am showing up and I am I am Thank you more pleasing and I am getting evidence all the time I'm receiving evidence all the time that what I want exists. So that is the practice of building an abundance mentality that what you want does exist that it is it is available. I think when you re route your focus and when you rewire your metric in your dating life to the thank you more please to the boundaries that you're going to set to how fiercely you show up for yourself and have your own back through really hard moments and happy and joyful moments that will build a practice of abundance in your dating life. It is about the practice of abundance, not necessarily the binary of I have a I am abundant or I am scarce, right? It's about the both end and it's about holding yourself in these complex vulnerable spaces with care the utmost care and attention and focus. And in that way like like we talked about all the time this is about focusing on and allowing your desires to expand in your day to day life. So those are my answers to those two very commonly asked questions about abundance mentality and about believing that what you want exists and centering other people. Y'all I'm so excited that the brazen breakthrough is open I'm so excited about tonight's workshop it's going to be magical and glorious and you're gonna catch so much hope and momentum. Whether or not you join us inside of the brazen breakthrough I know that what is meant for you will not pass you by and if you do feel led to join us inside breakthrough I cannot wait to welcome you with open arms. I can't wait to virtually give you a giant hug and celebrate your brags and wins and coach your face off on a daily basis inside our Slack channel. And on a monthly basis one on one on Zoom. In that group coaching session. Every single person who raises their hand in that space gets coached gets attention gets support the content that I've created inside brazen breakthrough changes lives and has for the last five years. So come on in. It is safe to take the leap and we are here I am here for you. You've got this and I've got your back. Talk to y'all soon.