174. How to get out of comparison mode
Hello, gorgeous friends! This week on The Date Brazen Podcast, Lily is diving into a simple 4-step framework to help you escape comparison mode in your dating life, especially during the holiday season.
Whether at a holiday party or hanging with friends, dealing with triggers from engagement stories or past relationships, this framework will help you get into more massive, messy, courageous action toward your desires.
Tune in, save this episode, share it with your best friend, and let's kick off a season of self-care and courage in your dating journey.
Episode Topics and Hot-takes:
“Eliminating comparison is a perfectionistic fantasy.” Comparison is human.
Ask, what thought is useful and true?
Self-compassion is a strategy to help you move forward powerfully.
S.O.F.T.: Self-compassion, Owning your needs, Feel your feelings, Thoughts not facts.
Links:
1:1 Coaching with Lily
69. Worthiness + Winning Results with Simone Grace Seol
Show transcript:
[00:00:00] Hello, gorgeous friends. Welcome to another episode of the Date Raisin podcast. I am so glad that you're here today. I am giving you my four step framework to get out of comparison mode anytime in your dating life, but especially during the holiday season. I also want to share that I am so So excited about 2024.
[00:00:21] I have so much planned for you. So much to support you and your fiercest love life possible so that you can make the right relationship inevitable. And, uh, I'm so excited. So, if you have ever wanted to work with me to create the most juicy, joyful, ease filled love life to make the right relationship inevitable, My one on one coaching is open right now.
[00:00:47] I have a VIP coaching offering that is open right now that you can learn more about if you've ever wanted to work with me one on one to create your most joyful love life. Cause I know that your love life matters to your wellbeing. And I [00:01:00] know that what you desire Matters to your wellbeing and how you pursue what your desire, what you desire matters to your wellbeing.
[00:01:08] So in this one on one container, you and I will co create the most powerful plan of action to create the love life that you've been desiring, the results you've been desiring in your dating life so that you can feel more free. You can feel more full of yourself in a great way. You can dissolve that dating anxiety.
[00:01:26] And so that you can again, make the right relationship inevitable. Check that out in the link in the description of this episode or at date brazen. com to apply to work with me one on one Now this episode is so special because it's a new framework that I'm just sharing here with you I just shared it on my live training a few days ago, and it's really good So it's going to be something that you can put in your pocket at a holiday party or put in your pocket at a friend's Hang out where you might?
[00:01:56] feel like, Oh, am I going to be activated by their dating stories? Am I going to [00:02:00] feel triggered by them getting engaged when I haven't had a good date this year or whatever? It's going to be so helpful for you. So I want you to save this episode. I want you to send it to your best friend so that y'all have this language, this shared language that I'm going to teach you to get out of comparison mode, to really have your own back, especially this season so that you can then get into more massive, messy, courageous action towards your desires.
[00:02:24] After you care for yourself with this framework. So with that, let's get into this episode.
[00:02:34] Hey, I'm Lily Womble, former top matchmaker and founder of Date Brazen. After setting up hundreds, I realized that with coaching women could match themselves better than anyone else ever could. With my unconventional feminist approach, I've helped women around the world build courageous and self trust filled love lives.
[00:02:49] And now I'm here to support you. Get ready because I'm about to show the exact steps you need to attract a soul quenching partnership. And feel amazing about yourself along the way. This is [00:03:00] the date brazen podcast. So this framework is brand new. It's similar to what I've taught in the past, but it's in a format that I'm so excited about because y'all know that I am all about the actionable strategies.
[00:03:13] You know that I'm type A and, uh, I wanted you to have something. So that you could very easily bring to mind help like an acronym that could really help you in times of dating stress, specifically in times of dating comparison, let's break down what might be happening when you feel comparison mode coming up in your dating life.
[00:03:35] Maybe it's triggered by a friend getting engaged, or you see somebody on a dating app that looks like your ex and just are flooded with memories and comparison. Maybe your ex is in a relationship and you're not, or maybe you've never been in a relationship. And so friends complaining about their partners feels very activating and comparison mode flags up.
[00:03:59] [00:04:00] Comparison mode. Might feel really shitty. It might feel like an ick, like a, like a, I don't know how it feels for you and your body, but for me and my body, I've experienced a lot of comparison, not to brag, but no, I experienced comparison on a daily basis. Why? Because I am human and I am paying attention to my brain.
[00:04:22] I am imperfectly paying attention to my brain to be aware of when comparison is happening. Because what I used to do is just let it go on checked, let it go unchecked and unmonitored because I had the thought that comparison made me. Less powerful human being that it was a sign that I was somehow not in my power and my agency because if I was then I wouldn't be comparing myself.
[00:04:45] I wouldn't be feeling so miserable. What I've learned in the past few years of living life in the past decade is that these feelings of comparison are just feelings and feelings are in a lot of ways survival [00:05:00] mechanisms to keep us safe. Like let's look at you. The feeling of anxiety, you know, the feeling of anxiety pops up because something doesn't feel right.
[00:05:08] For example, I can, I struggle with anxiety and I sometimes look at my anxiety and think, why can't you just be quiet? You don't make sense. Why are. And I know that she's there because she's trying desperately to keep me safe and that there's a part of me somewhere that doesn't feel safe in my body in that moment or doesn't feel assured or is struggling with feeling out of control in this life.
[00:05:35] And what she really needs is comfort, right? And time and space and a hug and a snack and maybe a nap. We get to, you get to. Be really soft with yourself. And I think that that's, I'm going to talk more about that within the framework, but eliminating comparison is a perfectionistic fantasy. It's not going to happen.
[00:05:57] Comparison is popping up [00:06:00] because you might have a thought that you're not where you want to be, or you're not arrived yet. And then you have a thought about what that means about you as a person or your identity, especially, oh my God, for those who are high achieving humans. This is especially true. So many people feel embarrassed talking to me.
[00:06:20] I hear it all the time and in one on one coaching calls or one on one applications or mastermind applications are in our slack channel and the brazen breakthrough. Like so many people are like, I can't, I've never thought about talking to a dating coach before. And the act of speaking to a dating coach feels very vulnerable because in my brain, I thought, I would have to be so desperate, quote unquote, to talk to a dating coach.
[00:06:42] It was the same when I was a matchmaker, like people saying, I can't believe I'm so desperate as to use a matchmaker. And what I would say in response is like, this matters to you. Why wouldn't you get support if it matters to you, but there might be some identity stuff at play for you about what it means to be a high achiever who hasn't figured out [00:07:00] something or who hasn't attracted something that they want or who hasn't been in the right relationship.
[00:07:04] I'm also here to say, this is an aside, as I want to do in these episodes, y'all know me, y'all know me, is that I don't believe you haven't found the right relationship because of anything you've done wrong. This is my hot take. A brazen breakthrough client. Said a couple months ago. Haven't I just not found the right relationship because maybe I'm resisting it or I've done something to screw it up because of my anxiety or my whatever.
[00:07:32] And my hot take is that relationships happen in ways that we can't anticipate or expect. There are ways in which you can propel yourself forward by learning how to care for yourself differently, learning how to care for your nervous system differently, calming down any dating freak outs, starting to take massive, messy, courageous action, getting yourself in the way of aligned opportunity.
[00:07:58] However, we're not in control [00:08:00] of the timing. So if we're not in control of the timing, why would you be blaming yourself so hard? Maybe you say, Oh, well, I could have been doing aligned action earlier and to that. I say, could you have haven't there been other ways in your life that you have been learning to thrive and maybe now is the perfect time to learn how to thrive in your dating life.
[00:08:19] Maybe this isn't a given by the way. Then maybe you'll say this is sort of like if you give a mouse a cookie here. I'm just filling in the blanks of what I think you'd say. Maybe you'd say. Okay. But my friend didn't do this work, and she found a partner easily. Or my friend did this work, and he just landed in the right relationship.
[00:08:37] And I say, good for them. That is sort of proof that just, it kind of happens randomly. And we're not in control of the timing, just like we're not in control of so many things in this life. Both and. You don't know. How your friend felt about herself hit themself himself when they got in that relationship, you don't know how it feels to be in [00:09:00] that relationship.
[00:09:00] Maybe it's hard as hell because they're struggling with some fundamental lack of compassion in their relationship towards themselves. Maybe they're struggling. Like, let's not wish that on anybody. However, you don't know the full picture. So if your brain is going, why did it happen so easily for them, and it hasn't happened for me, and maybe that means something about me, and maybe I've screwed up, and maybe, maybe I need to be figuring out more what to do perfectly, and I, I've not, but da da da da da da da da da da, your brain is spiraling, trying to figure out how to be safe, and maybe it's all triggered by comparison.
[00:09:30] It's important to practice number one, self compassion. Of course, I'm feeling this way. I want a relationship and it's not here yet. And that can be really painful. Period. This really sucks. I'm here for you. This is a feeling, not a fact. These are thoughts, not facts, right? Self compassion. I'm here. I'm here with you.
[00:09:53] This sucks. There's nothing that you could say to her feel that would make me want to stop being your friend. One of my favorite Simone soul quotes, [00:10:00] coach Simone soul. She's so great. If you haven't listened to episode 69 of the date, phrase and podcast, she was on and we talked about winning results in your dating life and it was so good.
[00:10:07] So highly recommend. But I digress. Number one, self compassion. Number two, what thought is useful and true about this situation, about you not having found love yet? Whether you just exited a marriage, or you've never been in a relationship. What thoughts are useful and true? Maybe it might be possible that I don't know everything yet.
[00:10:27] It might be possible that I'm still growing. It might be possible that I just haven't met the right person yet. And that doesn't have anything to do with me. It might be possible that I'm in my timing and my timing is right for me. It might be possible that I don't have to do this work to find love that Lily's talking about because you don't.
[00:10:49] You don't have to work with me. You don't have to listen to this podcast to find love. You could do that on a bus tomorrow. You could find a relationship. I care about how you [00:11:00] find, accept, and exist in the best relationship of your life with yourself first and a partner second. You don't have to do this work.
[00:11:10] You get to do this work to prepare yourself to be in the best relationship of your life with yourself first and a partner second. So it might be possible that I get to do this work is a thought that might feel useful and true. So I just wanted to address that rabbit hole of thoughts that you might be going down into when you find yourself in comparison mode.
[00:11:29] And now let's get into the framework that I promised. The strategy It's to go soft. So this is for when you are feeling activated by comparison, period. No matter what can be used in dating can be used to other other places. Just use it. It's going to help you so much. Take notes. Go soft is the strategy. S O F T.
[00:11:53] God, I love an acronym. I think that's the right word for what this is. S O F T. I'm going to break down each step [00:12:00] and what it means. So this is something like. Start memorizing. This is really gonna help you. There's not gonna be a test. You don't have to do it perfectly. Take what you need. Leave the rest as always.
[00:12:08] Okay, number one. S self compassion. Y'all knew I was gonna go there. This is not self indulgence. This is not slowing down just to slow down. This is not Failing. This is not conceding. This is having your own back. A study out of Stanford showed that self compassion is a force that is scientifically proven to reduce stress levels, reduce cortisol and to increase resiliency.
[00:12:39] Resiliency is the ability to bounce back back into your body, back into your power, back into your juiciest boundaries, back into your your grounded Self after heartbreak or after comparison mode floods you and that's not to say that [00:13:00] you have to do any of this perfectly. This is an this is an unhurried unfolding that is going to be lifelong work.
[00:13:04] This is not just like one and done stuff. I'm still working on self compassion and I can say I'm very proud to brag that I practice this framework, though I didn't have the S O F T acronym yet. I practice it daily and it really, really helps me to feel better in my days and to have my own back more. So, number one, self compassion is scientifically proven to help you.
[00:13:27] So do it! Sounds like saying to yourself, of course I'm struggling. I wasn't taught how to have compassion for myself, and I'm struggling with even doing self compassion. It looks like putting a hand on your heart and self comforting. A hand on your belly, taking a deep breath, giving yourself comfort.
[00:13:46] Giving yourself what you need that you didn't get. Or aren't getting right now, giving yourself the same comfort you want from a future partner. Remember, best relationship with yourself first, then a partner. Looks like saying this [00:14:00] sucks. Acknowledging. Don't do toxic positivity all over the place.
[00:14:04] Acknowledge this sucks. I'm here for you. You can do this by the way, in a snap of a finger in your brain. You can do this while at the dinner table with your family. Put your hand on your belly, take a deep breath, say in your head, I'm here for you. This really sucks. I'm sorry. You're feeling this way. This is strategic, not indulgent.
[00:14:21] Self compassion is a strategy to help you move forward powerfully. Number two, the O in soft is own your needs. This means admitting to yourself that you're struggling, not trying to put on a brave face for yourself, not trying to mask it because It's uncomfortable. Now, of course, like what's coming to mind is your sister gets engaged and you feel activated by that.
[00:14:51] Maybe you need to smile and say congratulations. I love you and then go to the bathroom and give yourself what you need. Looks like giving yourself. [00:15:00] A break, I literally wrote down, go into the bathroom, texting a friend, planning something just for you, owning your needs. It doesn't mean that your sister's needs are any less important.
[00:15:11] It just means that your needs are the only needs that you have full responsibility of meeting. You cannot take care of everybody else's needs. Period. I was gonna say if you don't take care of your needs, but it's sort of period like you can't take care of everybody else's needs. You're human. You're only human.
[00:15:31] And so many high achievers like myself who listen to this podcast might be struggling with other people's expectations of them. I'm I'm the oldest child in my family. I'm very practiced at trying to meet everybody's needs in the room. And you know what? It hasn't worked. It's led to me feeling stressed out and alone.
[00:15:48] And, uh, and overwhelmed. So owning your needs is a radical act of self compassion and of agency, owning your needs. Now, obviously, you know what you can [00:16:00] say to certain people, what you can't say to certain people in your family or your friendship. So own your needs for yourself and figure out what is my best next step to getting my needs met by myself and by my loved ones.
[00:16:09] Whoever they are, whoever my most trusted people are F out of soft is feel your feels, feel your feelings. This is really hard and it's going to change your life. Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett coined the term emotional granularity and that term. I learned it from my dear friend, Megan Saxlby. Who was on this podcast, and it was such a good episode.
[00:16:31] We were like baby friends at the time, and now, you know, she spoke at my wedding, and it's, it's awesome. She has changed my life so much by teaching me what she knows about these topics like self compassion and emotional granularity. Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett found that the more precise emotion words we have to describe our experience, the more Agency we have in caring for ourselves and moving through said emotions instead of masking or hiding them from ourselves or pushing them away for fear that they're going to last forever.[00:17:00]
[00:17:00] No, you are having a feeling and prolonging of like avoiding it for a prolonged amount of time is only going to keep it hanging around in the basement and in your mind, you're going to be like, oh, my God, the thing is in the basement down there. Acknowledge it, right? Name it with granularity. You can use, you can Google a feelings wheel that can be really helpful for naming emotions and learning new emotion words.
[00:17:23] I've used it. I use it with my clients. There are so many different types of feelings wheels, but it can be very helpful to name your feelings with granularity. Normalize them. That's also compassionate, right? I'm not alone in feeling this way. This isn't abnormal. So using the sister is engaged example saying like, it's really normal for me to feel this way and not letting the mom voice if that's your mom or a friend's voice or your sister's, whoever not letting the voice of, well, you should be happy and that's all you should feel in this moment.
[00:17:53] No, not letting that voice drive the car. That is not you. That's a, it's another voice. That's not you. You get to be like, [00:18:00] yeah, it's normal for me to feel this way. Okay. And my friends and my parents and my sisters get to have their feelings and I get to have mine, right? Normalize it. And then say to yourself, I'm willing to feel anything to be with you.
[00:18:12] Another one of my favorite Simone soul quotes. This speeds up the process of processing your feelings. Okay. The T the last step in the soft process is thoughts, not facts. This means notice the sentences in your brain. As a loving witness, this doesn't mean, okay, so for the sister engaged example, notice that once you've practiced self compassion, this can just look a moment of like taking a deep breath, hand on your belly and saying, I'm here for you.
[00:18:41] This is really hard. Number two, Oh, owning your needs. What do I need? Do I need to go to the bathroom? Do I need to take a deep breath? Do I need to text a friend? Do I need to call a friend? Do I need to go on a walk? F, feel your feels, name it, like, give yourself normalization, like, own it, take a deep breath, wow, this is really hard, I'm willing [00:19:00] to feel anything to be with you, it will speed up the process of the intensity of that feeling.
[00:19:05] I remember last holiday, and then I'll get to the T finally, but I remember last holiday there was a moment where I felt shame. I had done something that had offended somebody else, and I felt immediate shame. And I've practiced this so much that I noticed the feeling of shame. It really fucking sucked.
[00:19:23] And I felt hot throughout my whole body. I felt like nauseous. And there was a version of me that would try to just fix it, right? Try to try to say, I'm so sorry again and again and again and again and again. That wouldn't have worked to alleviate the feeling of shame that would have only kept me in the shame place, because I would have been trying to rush in to fix.
[00:19:42] Instead, in the moment, in the room, with the person that I offended, I said to myself, That's really hard. I'm willing to feel anything to be with you. And I felt shame, and I allowed it to, like, bubble up. It took, like, 30 seconds a minute. I practice this a lot and I took deep breaths through it and I noticed the [00:20:00] feeling I like saw it in my body.
[00:20:02] I saw it like rise because I was paying attention to it. It felt like a dragon, like dragon's breath, like hot, like, Oh, this is so uncomfortable. I'm willing to feel anything to be with you. I'm willing to feel anything to be with you. I just said that to myself until it subsided, it passed, it moved. And then I was able to say, what do I want to do to make this right?
[00:20:20] Do I want to apologize? Do I want to ask her how this made her feel? Right. And it ended up coming to a very beautiful conclusion that if I hadn't had this, like how to feel anything model, I wouldn't have done that. So then thoughts, not facts. Notice the sentences in your brain as a loving witness instead of saying, you shouldn't be thinking that it's just a thought.
[00:20:39] It's an emotional interpretation of the world around you designed to keep you safe. That's a thought, not a fact. This thought that I'm behind, you know, using the sister getting engaged example or wherever you're feeling comparison. Everybody's in a relationship and not me, right? Whatever it is, this thought feels true because you practiced it a zillion times.
[00:20:57] It is not true. It like is not [00:21:00] true. You get to, once you go through the soft model, practice a thought that feels useful and true. This is the distinct from toxic positivity, because toxic positivity would be like, it's okay, just get up, get up, go, go, it's fine. Instead, you're going to do self compassion, own your needs, feel your feels, and then get to thoughts, not facts.
[00:21:20] A useful and true next step thought might be a baby step thought. Kara Lowenthal calls it a ladder thought. Is it might be possible that I'm just having a hard moment. It might be possible that this comparison doesn't mean anything about me. It might be possible that this comparison isn't going to last forever.
[00:21:36] And it's not a fact, right? It might be possible that I'm not behind. It might be possible that I'm in my timing. Then you can. Really feel more grounded, feel more in your body and have more resources to take a best next step for yourself. I hope this episode felt supportive. I am so excited to bring you more content very, very soon about how to [00:22:00] get yourself supported in your dating life.
[00:22:02] Use this framework. Anywhere that you feel comparison or anywhere you feel stressed, really, I think it could really help. I will talk to you next week. Again, if you want to work with me one on one to create the most joyful as fuck dating life that makes the right relationship inevitable in three short months of intensive one on one work.
[00:22:21] We can do that together in three months of one on one work. Go to the link in the description of this episode to apply. When you apply for one on one with me, it's called VIP one on one coaching with Lily. You will be taken through an application. If you're a good fit, you can schedule a no pressure application call where we can discover if this is the best next step for you and your desires and your love life.
[00:22:43] And as a VIP one on one member, you get access to 12 months of the braids and breakthrough. And you get three months of one on one coaching with me so that I can propel your results and help you break through barriers and blocks in your dating life [00:23:00] faster than you ever thought possible, help you start attracting more faster than you ever thought possible to get you on a really juicy footing for 2024 so that this can be the juiciest year, the most lovely, expansive, self care drenched, boundary filled, agency filled love life year of your life.
[00:23:16] You've got this, and I've got your back, and I will talk to you next week. Bye!