183. Why you need to fire your coupled friends from giving you dating advice
This week, Lily serves up some real talk about why it might be time to bid farewell to dating advice from your coupled friends. You’ll hear why it's crucial to take the reins of your dating life and stop relying on well-meaning but misaligned advice from friends in relationships.
In this episode, Lily encourages you to set boundaries with friends who may unintentionally trivialize or patronize your dating experiences. She emphasizes cultivating supportive communities of single friends who genuinely understand and uplift your dating struggles.
The goal of this episode is to leave you feeling empowered to take control of your dating journey and assemble a crew of friends who've got your back.
Hot-takes and topics:
Your coupled friends don’t know your love story. Hot-take: They don’t know more than you because they are in a relationship and you’re not.
If dating advice friends give makes you feel small, or your dating experience is entertainment for them, it is time to fire your coupled friends from giving you dating advice.
Surround yourself with people who get your dating struggle and who are moving forward with you.
Links:
Pre-order Lily’s upcoming book, Thank You, More Please!
Creating a Confident and Joyful-as-fuck Dating Life That Makes the Right Relationship Inevitable
Show transcript:
[00:00:00] Hello, gorgeous friends. I hope you're having such a beautiful day. I'm pumped for this episode because it is really spicy. The message that I have for you and the call to action that I have for you. Today's episode is all about why you need to fire your coupled friends from giving you dating advice. I want you to take a deep breath, grab your phone, your notes app, grab a sheet of paper and a pen, because I think that this episode is going to galvanize you into really getting the support that you need for your dating life, because if your friends are grabbing your phone, opening it and saying Oh my God, let me swipe for you.
[00:00:46] This is so fun. I'm so bored. No, thank you. If you are venting after a date and saying, I don't think I want to go out with him again. And they say, are you sure you're not being too picky? They sound really nice. Why don't you give them another [00:01:00] chance? When you ask for their dating advice and they say, Oh, it happens when you least expect it.
[00:01:07] I, you know what I did? I stopped caring. And then I met Ben or I met Grace after I just stopped caring. If that is happening to you. Even once in a, once a year or whenever you talk to your couple friends about your dating life, it is time to fire your couple of friends from giving you dating advice.
[00:01:31] Let's get into this episode.
[00:01:38] Hey, I'm Lily Ronville, former top matchmaker and founder of Date Brazen. After setting up hundreds, I realized that with coaching, women could match themselves It's better than anyone else ever could with my unconventional feminist approach. I've helped women around the world build courageous and self trust filled love lives.
[00:01:53] And now I'm here to support you get ready because I'm about to show the exact steps you need to attract a soul quenching [00:02:00] partnership and feel amazing about yourself along the way. This is the date brazen podcast. So if you've been asking for coupled friends to give you support in your dating life, this is very natural and normal because you love your friends.
[00:02:14] They're amazing. You've worked so hard on these friendships. And the truth is that your coupled friends don't know your love story. This is really spicy. I need you to hear this. Your coupled friends don't necessarily know more than you because they're in a relationship and you're not. Because they know what worked for them.
[00:02:39] They know what they, what kind of relationship they're in. They know whether they settled or not. They know whether they know what is for them in this season of their life because they're in it. Or maybe they're not even conscious of it and they just landed in a relationship and whatever. How does that make them qualified to give you dating advice?
[00:02:59] [00:03:00] Because truly your love story, your brain, your needs, your next steps. They don't know what the fuck to tell you to do. They are grasping for maybe they love you. Maybe this is all really well intentioned. The swiping for you that maybe you're being too picky. Let's give them the benefit of the doubt.
[00:03:16] These folks who are trying and not and failing, let's just say they're trying and they're failing to support you in your dating life because what happens with this kind of dating advice of oh, it happens when you least expect it. Oh, let me swipe for you. Is that subconsciously or consciously you're clocking that maybe they're patronizing you.
[00:03:35] Maybe they are really earnestly believing that they know more than you because they're in a relationship and that shit. Can be really harmful to your path because it puts you both the you two friends in a position of oh, my coupled friend is ahead of me in life because they're partnered, which. Is [00:04:00] patriarchal socialization, that's not the truth, right?
[00:04:04] Your coupled friend, if they are not somebody who is giving you aligned dating advice that makes you feel empowered, if they're giving you dating advice that makes you feel small or makes you feel like you aren't seen or makes you feel trivialized because you're single or makes you feel like your experience is their like your dating experience is like the jester to them because they are a parent and they're married and they just want the, they just want the entertainment of your dating story.
[00:04:33] If you are being made to feel like that or you're casting yourself in that role of the jester, oh my God, you'll never believe what happened in this, on this date. You are purposefully, if you're purposefully making your dating life into a joke at the expense of your deeper desire, then it's time to look in the mirror.
[00:04:54] And it's time to set a big old boundary, okay? It is time to fire your [00:05:00] coupled friends from giving you dating advice. It's time to cast them in the role in your life that best serves you. Which might be support, which might be celebration at work or celebration for or talking about familial relationships or whatever.
[00:05:15] If they're not giving you aligned dating advice, then you need to bless and release them from your dating support team. Now I do want to Daniel Boehner Jackson, who is a new friend of mine. She's a friendship educator. She has a fabulous book coming out soon called fighting for our friendships, and she's brilliant.
[00:05:34] And she did an episode recently of her podcast, the friend forward podcast, all about how friends hold each other accountable and how we need to really examine how we Are blessing and releasing people who are trying to hold us accountable because we just want to be right now. If your couple friend is holding you accountable to your deeper desires and saying, Hey, you're in a relationship that doesn't meet what you shared your needs are like.
[00:05:58] I was in that toxic [00:06:00] situation ship years ago about, I think it was like eight years ago now. And a friend of mine she was coupled at the time, I believe. She literally put it on the line. She was holding me accountable to my own desires, and I was not ready to hear it, and I, we didn't speak for a while.
[00:06:17] She was like, Lily, this relationship, you're not getting your needs met. I do not like him for you. He is down, gaslighting you into believing that you're too much and your needs are too much. I don't like that. I think that he's wrong for you, based on what you've told me you desire. And my response at the time, because I was very deep into that bad relationship, And I was not willing to concede.
[00:06:39] I had a lot of work to do. I wasn't ready. I was like, you know what? I hear you, but I don't agree. And I love him. And she was like, okay I'm here for you and I love you. And we got off the phone and we didn't speak for two months. And then we got back together as friends. When I broke it off with that person, that's not the kind of coupled friend I'm talking about.
[00:06:57] I'm not talking about coupled friends who [00:07:00] hold you to your own desires. I'm talking about coupled friends who are making light of, or of your dating life, or unintentionally, probably, or who are giving you dating advice that feels really minimizing and shrinky stop being so picky, go on more dates, right?
[00:07:15] Going to your coupled friends for dating advice generally probably is not moving you forward. You want belonging so get into aligned belonging. That's why I only do group coaching. That's why I really want this community. This podcast to be a community. That's why I'm on tick tock. People are making friends in the comments.
[00:07:35] That's why in the chat of all of my life coachings that it's lit up with friendship and belonging because you need to be surrounded by people who get your dating struggle and who are moving forward with you. Okay. And it's time to fire your couple friends from teaching you how to date because they don't know themselves.
[00:07:56] Because you need to be in the driver's seat. You need to [00:08:00] stop defaulting to their advice and start figuring out what works for you because their love story is not how your love story is going to look right, so that's why I am really excited because you deserve to be in belonging with other single bad asses who get your dating struggle who are moving forward with you who are getting it.
[00:08:20] Out of the negative conversation about dating, because that's the thing about maybe other single friends is that it's difficult to get into a positive conversation, a hopeful conversation about dating. That's another way that the status quo can be upheld of like shitty dates. Bad situation chips is that maybe you're stuck in a negative loop in your friendships with other single folks about dating and how much men suck.
[00:08:42] People suck. Women suck. It all sucks. It's not possible, right? So you deserve to be in a room of people. You deserve to be supported in your dating life with people around you who get your dating struggle, who are acknowledging the [00:09:00] difficulty and the shitty parts, and who are also moving forward powerfully beside you.
[00:09:07] That is why I'm pumped for my upcoming live free training where you are going to be amidst a room of single badass humans who are feminist as fuck, who are whenever. Going to be encouraging you and moving forward with you in their dating lives in my live free training called creating a confident and joyful as fuck dating life that makes the right relationship inevitable.
[00:09:32] The link to save your spot to learn my anxiety relieving plan of action, to learn how to make dating apps optional, to learn how to make the right relationship inevitable this year. The link is date brazen. com slash joy to save your spot. It's on February 15th. And then in terms of. Like outside of that live training or outside of joining us in my program, the brazen breakthrough, which is going to change your whole fucking life and your love life, specifically making your the right relationship.
[00:09:58] Inevitable. [00:10:00] I want you to do a couple things with your couple friends. Let's like, let's keep on them for a second. After this episode, if you realize that you need to make a change that your couple friends aren't supporting you in the way that feels good and you're dating life, then it's time to set a boundary either with yourself in your own brain.
[00:10:18] Okay. With yourself in your own brain, meaning, Hey, I'm just going to decide with myself that I am not going to bring up my dating life because it's not leading to what I want. And I'm instead going to, you need to fill that gap of talking to your couple of friends about your dating life with a single friend who.
[00:10:35] You want to build a more hopeful conversation with maybe you send them this episode or you send a single friend the thank you more please challenge and you say, let's do this together, right? You can build your own community and your own belonging, your dating life. Maybe it's an internal boundary with your couple of friends and just you know what?
[00:10:51] I'm just not going to go there anymore with them. That's totally fine. You can also set an out loud boundary with them. If dating comes up and they give you a piece of advice that [00:11:00] doesn't feel aligned, you can say, Hey, I'm actually. Good on my dating life. Sometimes when you say that it makes me feel minimized or it makes me feel discouraged.
[00:11:09] And I would ask that, we not talk about dating that way or that you help me get into the possibility of more and not, sure that I'm being too picky because that actually doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel affirming, right? You can say that to your friends. Your friends want to know how to love you better.
[00:11:24] Dating matters to your well being and you dating deserves your attention. Your love life deserves your attention, not because you're lacking in any way because dating matters to your well being and you're not alone, right? There are ways to get support for your dating life that feel like an exhale and don't feel like a self blamey rigid.
[00:11:44] Shrinky mess. Don't feel like you having to sacrifice your agency or your desires when people say you're being too picky. That's being asked to not want what you want. Maybe you've been a little rigid in the past to protect yourself. Maybe you've been [00:12:00] like very open minded to your detriment because you were afraid that what you want didn't exist.
[00:12:04] That's all okay. And this is an invitation into what are you going to do now? You want the right relationship. It's not here yet. Let's figure this shit out together. That's why I'm so excited about the live training. That's why I'm so excited about the book coming out very soon, which you can pre order now.
[00:12:23] This book is going to this live training, the brazen breakthrough, however you want support in the date brazen ecosystem. It's going to give you the tools, permission and next steps for you to thrive in your friendships Transcribed To fire your couple friends from needing to support you in your dating life in a way that doesn't feel aligned.
[00:12:45] Anyway, it's going to give you that your friends, your couple friends, if you give them the book, or you send them this podcast episode, like they can learn the skills of supporting you better and not projecting onto you. [00:13:00] Maybe your single friends are going to learn how to create a more hopeful. Juicy, authentic, joyful conversation about dating that actually moves you forward together.
[00:13:13] And you are going to learn how to show up in your dating life with all of your power and agency, confident that what you want exists, confident in yourself and what you're bringing to the table. And with those tools and skills and mindset, you'll be able to attract the best relationship of your life.
[00:13:30] Because I don't care if you find a relationship. I care about you finding the best relationship of your freaking life. Figure out what your boundary should be. What your next step is with your coupled friends. Are you going to set just a boundary in your heart of Hey, I'm just not going to bring it up with them because it doesn't feel good.
[00:13:47] Or you're going to set an out loud boundary with them like, Hey, I don't want to talk about dating. It feels, it makes me feel this way when we talk about dating and you say I'm being too picky or you want to swipe for me. And it's, it, I don't want to make my dating life into a [00:14:00] joke anymore. I'm really earnestly trying.
[00:14:02] And so here's how you can support me better. You can say that to a friend, your friends want to know how to love you better. You can also invite in a single friend to the dating conversation with you and create a container intentionally to say Hey, I know that dating is really tough and for a week or for today, I would love to.
[00:14:22] Be in like creative problem solving mode or thank you more please mode. We gather evidence that what we want does exist this week and we have a phone call to talk about it and we, we share a notes app and we, write down what is our thank you more please moments throughout the day. I love hearing those stories of how listeners are combining their thank you more please moments to build hope and evidence that what they want does exist.
[00:14:42] So you've got this and I've got your back. I can't wait to coach your face off February 15th and my live free training. I can't wait to support you with my book. Thank you more, please. A feminist guide to breaking down dating rules and finding love. Pre orders mean everything in the book [00:15:00] process. It determines how many books are printed, how many bookstores and libraries.
[00:15:03] Have the book at all. So pre ordering really means everything. And I'm so grateful for your support and so humbled by this whole process. Cause it's just a dream come true, set the boundary, claim what your next step is with your single friends and know that you're not alone. What you want is closer than you realize.
[00:15:22] And I'm here to help you get it. Love y'all talk to you next week and hope to see you on February 15th at that live training date brazen. com joy for all the info and You can also order the book and get your pre order bonuses at date brazen. com slash book. Talk to y'all soon. Bye[00:16:00]