219. Dating During the Election
How do you date with intention and authenticity during an election season? You’re in luck! Lily is back with a special episode all about dating during the election. She explores how to navigate the heightened political climate with a boundaried, agency-filled plan to attract people who truly align with your values.
Lily also shares tips on crafting a profile that reflects your values, managing tough discussions on dates, and knowing when to "bless and release." Get ready to learn how to vet dates based on political beliefs, set firm boundaries, and confidently steer conversations.
You’ll learn:
Understanding your boundaries and using essence-based preferences to define how you want to feel in a relationship
How to incorporate your political values into your essence-based framework
Best practices for bringing up politics in dating, including a reminder that “You cannot say the wrong thing to the right person.”
Guidelines for dating during an election year, focusing on asking questions and prioritizing your emotional well-being
Tips for including your political preferences in your dating profile
Navigating heated political discussions during a date with grace
Links:
Pick up your copy of Thank You, More Please where all books are sold!
121. Dating Apps, AMA
135. How to create your essence-based preferences
162. The complete dating detox guide
Show transcript:
[00:00:00] Hey, gorgeous friends. Welcome to another episode of the Date Brazen podcast. I'm so glad that you're here for this special, special episode, all about dating during the election. It's going to be quick and dirty. I want you to have your notes up out, taking notes because the why behind this episode is that in this heightened time that is so important for the United States, It's important for you in your love life to have a boundaried agency filled plan to attract people that are aligned with your values.
[00:00:33] It's important for you to know what boundaries you need to set and when, how to vet people more easily when it comes to values, especially political values. So I'm going to give you a how to guide in this episode. It's going to be super, uh, fun question mark. I think, yes, as you know, I'm a feminist dating coach.
[00:00:51] I'm an intersectional feminist dating coach, striving to be intersectional every single day. Personally, I hope that Kamala Harris is our next president. [00:01:00] I hope that, uh, the November election brings about a state of the United States that is That is safer and more equitable for LGBTQ folks, for women, for anybody with a marginalized identity.
[00:01:15] Uh, and, uh, I'm excited to vote for her. So I know that for myself, when I was dating, I wanted to find a progressive partner. I come from the deep South. I remember what it was like to be in Birmingham, Alabama, and to be one of the only people at my school. Uh, my public. school that believed the way I did. I remember boys in my high school classes and my AP English classes saying things that, looking back, were just so disturbing about women's rights, LGBTQ plus rights.
[00:01:50] Like, I remember what it was like to be a little blue dot. in a big red space. And if that's you, I see you. This episode is going to [00:02:00] support you. And if that's not you, if you're in a place where you agree with most everybody around you, I live in New York City now. I tend to agree generally. With, uh, the, the more progressive value system here in the city, nothing's perfect.
[00:02:14] I, I just want to say like, this is for you, whether you are a blue dot in a red state or whether you are, uh, in a, in a sea of blue. Not to, you know, reduce a progressive value system to a blue situation that that's a podcast for a different time with somebody who is a political analyst who can break that down more effectively.
[00:02:36] I'm talking about if you have progressive values, if you want to date somebody with progressive values, like I did in my dating life, most all of my clients want to do, uh, then this episode is for you.
[00:02:52] Hey, I'm Lily Womble, former top matchmaker and founder of Date Brazen. After setting up hundreds, I realized that with coaching women could match themselves [00:03:00] better than anyone else ever could. With my unconventional feminist approach, I've helped women around the world build courageous and self trust filled love lives.
[00:03:07] And now I'm here to support you get ready. Cause I'm about to show the exact steps you need to attract a soul quenching partnership. And feel amazing about yourself along the way. This is the date brazen podcast. I want you to know what questions to ask, when to ask them and how to set boundaries. And uh, the first step in this process is to know your own boundaries, to know your own preferences.
[00:03:31] Okay. That's the first step. You got to know your essence based preferences. If you don't know, you should listen. You get to listen to episode 135, which is a deep dive on all things EBPs or essence based preferences. Basically, this is defining how you want to feel inside of the right relationship. What values, personality traits do you want and how do those generally make you feel?
[00:03:54] Because, um, you probably want somebody kind, funny, smart. Well, those words, if you asked yourself a [00:04:00] bunch of why that, why does this, what does this mean to me? Um, why does this matter to me? You would get to your own unique definition of each of those words, values, personality traits, and you'd then have your love life vocabulary.
[00:04:11] When you do this, um, uh, I think that political values have to be included in your essence based preferences list. You know, someone who is compassionately curious, which is an essence based preference root word that a lot of my clients come to. Your definition of that word, compassionately curious, might mean they care about the well being of others around them.
[00:04:32] They care about the rights of others around them in this specific way, fill in the blank. Um, they, uh, go up to somebody solo at a party and make sure they feel included. In the micro and in the macro, they donate to causes that create a better world. They donate to an abortion fund or they're passionate about expanding voter rights.
[00:04:53] And so they donate and volunteer their time for an organization that helps get people registered to vote or brings people to [00:05:00] the polls. Like just imagine for yourself, how might. Your essence based preferences include political preferences. Own that for yourself. If you want to find somebody who is pro choice, actively working to be anti racist, trans inclusive, um, et cetera, then you get to put that in your essence based preferences and then you get to ask qualifying, disqualifying questions that gauge whether or not.
[00:05:24] That person has those values. So this goes into how you want to feel with your future partner. You probably want to feel belonging. You probably want to feel inspired. You probably want to feel like you admire them and their values. You want to feel like they care deeply about those around them. Like if you want to create a partnership and a life with that person, then, uh, it's important to dream about how political values might fit into that.
[00:05:49] Now, uh, again, listen to episode 135 on a full deep dive into essence based preferences where you'll not only create, you know, the, the political side of what you want, [00:06:00] but you'll also create such a robust like vision for your future partnership that will guide you toward the right people, settle proof your love life in the process.
[00:06:09] And allow you to know who to bless and release more swiftly. You can also pick up my book. Thank you more, please, for a full chapter on essence based preferences that will really help in this process. Now it's gotta be said that some people's boundaries will not be other people's boundaries. Obviously.
[00:06:24] Some of my clients are fine with somebody more conservative in some ways and more progressive or liberal in other ways. Um, and some aren't know yourself. I'm not prescripting anything here. I'm just offering like my side of the street with how I would go about it and how I did go about it when I was dating.
[00:06:41] When do you need to bring up politics and dating? I asked my online community, I got a lot of questions about like, what is it the right time? I just want to blanket this with something that I say all the time, which is that you cannot say the wrong thing to the right person, period. So, the wrong, the right person for you will [00:07:00] be able to ask follow up questions, will be able to ask for clarity if they need it, will have a response that is respectful and caring and thoughtful.
[00:07:09] The wrong person for you will be like, why did you just ask that? So here's when to bring up politics in dating. I think you need to do it sooner rather than later, not in a, just in a way that is like curious, because you need to gather that information to know whether or not somebody is right for you.
[00:07:27] Very similarly to the question, what are you hoping to find in your dating life? If you're looking for somebody who's looking for partnership, then you don't want to go on a bunch of dates with somebody who's just looking for a casual hookup. Again, looking for a casual hookup is totally fine. If you're looking exclusively for a serious relationship, or you are cool with a hookup, but you really want a date to find a partner, then you need that on the table, like before your first date, or at least on your first date.
[00:07:58] Same, same with political [00:08:00] preferences. I know for those who are on, who are specifically in, in places that are more Republican or red at this time during the election. It can feel like a nerve wracking thing. Again. I remember growing up in Birmingham, Alabama, what it was like to disagree with most people around me and how uncomfortable that was.
[00:08:22] Uh, and, and look, We are where we are. You are in the spot that you find yourself in. And I think it's important to ask these questions early, no matter where you are to get clarity, to know who to bless and release more swiftly on their journey to find the right people for them. So you can find the right people for you.
[00:08:40] So I recommend putting it in your profile and I'm going to show you how I recommend asking qualifying disqualifying questions early. And I'm going to tell you which ones the best time to find a progressive partner. Is during an election because people are more likely to be sharing their value system and what they care about, [00:09:00] uh, more readily and out loud.
[00:09:02] How do you find a progressive partner during an election season? Like right now, you know your preferences, you ask the right questions and you listen to your gut and you bless and release someone who doesn't align with where you're going. Period. I also want to say that if you don't want to date during this time, that's perfectly fine to do an intentional dating detox around this time.
[00:09:22] You can listen to episode one 62 of the date brazen podcast for the complete dating detox guide. If you just want to take a break and reset your nervous system, you can also get my book. Chapter one is the dating detox chapter. So you'll be ushered into a luxurious dating pause, um, with that tool. So here are a few guidelines when dating during an election.
[00:09:43] You're for the few, not for the many. As always, you are for the few, not for the many. Be selfish. Want what you want. Give yourself permission to want the kind of partnership that you want in alignment with the values that you want. You don't have to [00:10:00] settle for somebody who is out of alignment with your values if that's important to you.
[00:10:05] Be specific, ask questions and care for your nervous system. Again, again, again, again, you cannot say the wrong thing to the right person. So here's how to put your political values, your progressive values in your dating profile. I'm going to give you two examples from clients of mine that we worked on this skill with.
[00:10:26] So one of the prompts that Um, bumble and hinge, both. Those are the two dating apps that I recommend, not because they're better than the others, just because they're easy to use. There's a ubiquity associated with them. A lot of users mean that means that you're, you have more access to people who are on dating apps.
[00:10:44] because they have more users. There's again, so much more to say about dating apps, but I'll leave it there. You can listen to episode one 21 of the date brazen podcast for a full deep dive on dating apps. Ask me anything. So prompts to [00:11:00] put in your profile and then your answers that can point to progressive values to vet people.
[00:11:04] You should leave a comment if is a great one. Um, and this was this client's answer. You're excited to meet an American. This was an American abroad living in another country. You're excited to meet an American with a Southern accent, a little mystical witchy aura, think Stevie Nicks, and someone who is passionate about progressive politics.
[00:11:24] You can insert in that third one, like passionate about fighting for a woman's right to choose or passionate about expanding voting rights, passionate about LGBTQ plus rights, passionate about fill in the blank, whatever you're passionate about. Another option is the prompt. The sign of a good date is, and this client wrote, a conversation that goes to a million places could include our families, right?
[00:11:47] Pointing to family oriented, you're looking for a lot of values in this, in this process. Our families, best place for Indian takeout in DC, season two of love is blind, right? You've got this like Our [00:12:00] family's very family oriented, best place for Indian takeout. Like, let's try new food together. Let's try amazing food together.
[00:12:06] This is some food that I love. Um, in DC, a season two of love is blind, kind of this like high low, you know, somebody who is looking at like fun, trashy TV potentially. Uh, and the last thing they said is, and expanding voting rights. This client was very passionate about expanding the right to vote and helping get out the vote.
[00:12:27] And to recap, Conversation that goes to a million places could include our family's best taste place for Indian takeout in D. C., season two of Love is Blind, and expanding voting rights. You could also insert something else there that you're passionate about. And, and that's just two examples of how to seamlessly integrate your value system into your profile, both for family orientedness and progressive political values.
[00:12:49] They all can be in a beautiful both and, uh, in your profile. Another question that I got When, um, talking to my community about this topic is how [00:13:00] should you ask non hostile probing questions about someone's political affiliation when they don't list it on their profile. So once you know your essence based preferences, when it comes to politics, you need to figure out the right qualifying disqualifying question to ask early.
[00:13:15] As podcast for any amount of time, I love the question, what's bringing you joy lately? And you can ask that as an opener. It really eliminates surface level conversation and allows you to go deeper, quicker. And when they ask you back, because they've got to ask you the question back, or when they ask you a question back, you can talk about what's bringing you joy.
[00:13:37] Um, is, you know, you know, watching the newest season of love is blind to use that, carry that through and also voting for Kamala is bringing you joy or volunteering for the campaign knocking on doors or the Tim Walz truck ads are bringing you a lot of joy. They're so joyful and I love seeing him be America's dad right now.
[00:13:58] Whatever it is that [00:14:00] you are, what is bringing you joy. You can say and throw in something about the election that is bringing you joy. Now, if nothing about this election is bringing you joy, if it's filling you with dread and there's a lot of big feelings, then, you know, that's good information to care for yourself.
[00:14:16] And you don't have to say anything related to the election as it Comes to bringing you joy, but that's just an option other options for you know Maybe a few questions down the road are what leaders are you inspired by lately? You know you ask them you get good information about them They ask you you share good information about yourself and you allow them to show you who they are in their response to you Right?
[00:14:40] Um, if their response is generous and um, and a yes ending, then keep going. If it's a shut down anger, why would you say that? Then it's a pretty good sign to bless and release. What have you been reading lately? What have you been reading lately? Great qualifying disqualifying question. If you had a million dollars to donate, Where would [00:15:00] you give?
[00:15:01] Amazing question. And by the way, you need to know these answers for yourself. How would you answer? Where would you donate a million dollars? What have you been reading lately? If you haven't been reading anything lately or you've been watching TikToks that have been educating you, um, uh, on a certain topic or whatever, like you could say that, whatever, like, just, you Engage these questions in a way that is aligned for you and pick the ones that feel best for you.
[00:15:26] Another great question is what could you talk about for hours? They could answer any of these questions with something surface level. And you're like, Oh, I haven't gotten to know their answer to this. Like in a, are they progressive or they not, or they're whatever. So you just answer authentically for you and see how they respond.
[00:15:44] And if you don't have clarity, um, and you're feeling like, Oh, we could go on a date, but you still don't have clarity on the, Where are you on the political spectrum? Um, you could even ask, like, where do you land on the political spectrum? Period. That's fine to ask. Another [00:16:00] question, is it appropriate to bring up politics on the first date?
[00:16:04] I would say appropriate is a trap. And if you're looking for someone who aligns with your values unabashedly, then it is a good idea to ask about this. before a first date. And if you are stuck on, it's impolite to ask about politics on a first date, I grew up like that. Don't talk about it. It's impolite.
[00:16:30] It's whatever. This is where you get selfish. And you say, this is not just some game. This is who I'm spending my precious time with. This is who I am. Going on a date with, and this is who I am sharing a little bit of my heart with. It's very vulnerable and it is appropriate for me to be clear and boundaried around this, right?
[00:16:51] So instead of asking, is it appropriate to ask this, ask yourself, what is appropriate in response to my own desires? Okay. A couple more questions that I got that [00:17:00] I want to answer on managing political differences. How do you deescalate heated political conversations on a date? Sometimes it happens. Uh, and I really think that it depends on the level of heat that we're talking about, right?
[00:17:14] Because again, you're looking for somebody who can respectfully engage in conversation. You're looking for somebody who can, um, who aligns with your values, obviously. And if you're on the date and you realize, Oh, wow, we don't really align on that value. You're looking for somebody who's able to like engage respectfully.
[00:17:31] If it becomes disrespectful, there's anger on the part of the other person that is really activating for you or what have you, you can always leave the date. You can always go to the bathroom, take a deep breath, come back, say, Hey, I'm going to go wishing you the best. You can, you don't have to stay on the date.
[00:17:45] You can leave early. You also, if you're looking for somebody who like, if you find out that they're not in alignment for political reasons or whatever reason, maybe you find out on a date that they don't want kids and you really want kids or vice versa, then [00:18:00] look for somebody who can navigate difference respectfully.
[00:18:03] And then if they're not on alignment, then after the date you bless and release simple, simple, simple, simple, simple. How can you set boundaries with someone who thinks you're too picky about certain political issues? Okay. The political is personal period. Okay. So you can just say, this is what I believe.
[00:18:21] This is my truth. Period. You're looking for somebody who can be like, that makes sense. Or, you know, maybe I disagree about that little, that part of it, but I totally get that you get to have that. You get to have that opinion. And I see why that would matter to you. I see why that would be important to you.
[00:18:39] For me. I didn't want to date somebody who I had to convince of the importance of a woman's right to choose what's right for her own body. I didn't want to have to date somebody who I had to convince that LGBTQ plus folks deserved to have the same fucking rights as other people. I [00:19:00] didn't want to have to get into that.
[00:19:00] No! So, if somebody thinks you're being too picky about certain political issues, you can just bless and release. Or, if it's a family member or a friend, you can just say, this is my belief. And you can even say, it baffles me that you would judge me having a belief just like you have a belief, number one.
[00:19:21] Or you could just say, I don't want to talk about this anymore with you if it's a loved one that you, that you're not trying to date. So depending on the conversation, you can leave the date or the conversation, period. So I think overarchingly, this is about giving yourself permission to want what you want, knowing your essence based preferences, knowing what questions you're going to ask somebody to vet them based on what you want, political ways and all ways, and then, uh, trying, getting messy, asking questions.
[00:19:50] really leaning into the fact that you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. And the more you can lean into this strategy of like, I have clarity. I do. I know that I want this. [00:20:00] I ask these questions. I'm looking for this feeling in their response, looking for this clarity in their response. And if I don't get it, I bless and release this step by step process allows you to be surprised by the right person.
[00:20:11] And allows you to end up with someone who is in alignment with what you want. So it's open to being surprised by the right person without getting out of alignment with your values. So I hope this felt like lower your shoulders and like unclench a little bit. And again, you don't have to date during this time.
[00:20:29] It can be a really hard time to date. I remember, you know, in the past seven, eight years going through a lot of these election cycles. It's, it's, it can be a very activating time to date depending on where you live. In the U S or around the world, um, I have clients in Canada who are asking me the same questions clients in the UK and in Europe who are asking the same questions.
[00:20:48] So it's important to go through this process of knowing your own brain, setting the boundaries, asking the questions, blessing and releasing when you have clarity and, or moving forward when you have clarity that they're in alignment. [00:21:00] So the advice that I'm giving in this podcast is the same advice that I give every single day, just with a political purpose.
[00:21:06] flare, but know that everything is everything. The way we do one thing is the way we do everything. So the more clear with what you want, the more boundary you can be, the more that will impact your whole life positively, not just in your dating life and not just during an election season. So, uh, I can't wait to hear your thoughts on this episode.
[00:21:25] And if you have any more questions about this topic, you can DM me on Instagram at date brazen. And if you're curious about this process and how to build EBPs, essence based preferences, and how to build qualifying, disqualifying questions that get to the essence based preferences, and then how to use a dating app with more confidence and agency, and how to date in person with these tools and skills, then you're going to love my book, Thank You, More Please, A Feminist Guide to Breaking Dumb Dating Rules and Finding Love.
[00:21:51] It is out everywhere books are sold right now, and you can grab your copy And go to date brazen. com slash book to get a special [00:22:00] bonus. So whether you get the ebook, the audio book, which I recorded or the physical copy, you can go to date brazen. com slash book to get this special bonus called my podcast listening guide, where I outline 10 top issues that you probably are facing in your dating life.
[00:22:14] And exactly which Date Brazen podcast episode to listen to, to solve that problem within five to 10 minutes. You're going to love this guide. It is super comprehensive and totally free as a bonus when you get my book. So go get the book anywhere books are sold and go to datebrazen. com slash book to get your hands on that juicy bonus as well.
[00:22:33] You've got this and I've got your back. [00:23:00] Bye.