164. How to create an in-person dating life if you're scared to start
This week’s episode is all about in-person dating! Lily is sharing step-by-step how to build confidence and become the version of yourself who approaches people in person with empowered action.
This in-person dating lesson isn't meant to make you micromanage; it's to help you SHOW UP for your desires. The advice inside this episode will help you approach somebody in person in the next 30 days. You’ve got this, and Lily and the entire Date Brazen community have your back.
Episode Hot-takes:
Permit yourself to be in progress, and stop self-blaming for being “bad” at dating.
“How do you get out of self-blame? By practicing self-compassion.”
“Commit to getting messy and practicing. You are not good at in-person dating because you haven’t practiced yet.” What if you just took one action step today?
Celebrate yourself! “Self-celebration is an in-person dating strategy. Celebrate every time you practice in-person dating!”
Links:
SAVE YOUR SPOT for Creating a Confident and Joyful-as-fuck Dating as a Burnout Feminist Badass
Transcript:
Lily Womble:
[00:00:00] Hello, gorgeous friends. Welcome to another episode of the Date Raisin podcast. I am so glad that you're here today. I am going to teach you how to approach people in person. If that sentence made you want to vomit or made you nauseous immediately, don't worry. I'm going to take you through step by step how to build the confidence to become the version of yourself who approaches people in person Often who they find attractive this act alone of having the embodied confidence to approach people in person is going to help you make the right relationship inevitable because you are going to be showing up for your desire for the right relationship in a new way instead of hiding because you're fearful.
[00:00:46] of what is going to happen instead of hiding because you are living in the worst case scenario in your head, dress rehearsing it over and over and over again. I'm going to help you get out of that and into empowered action in person in your dating life with this episode. I hope [00:01:00] you're ready. I'm ready.
[00:01:01] I'm so excited. Let's get into it.
[00:01:09] Hey, I'm Lily Womble, former top matchmaker and founder of Date Brazen. After setting up hundreds, I realized that with coaching, women could match themselves better than anyone else ever could. With my unconventional feminist approach, I've helped women around the world build courageous and self trust filled love lives, and now I'm here to support you.
[00:01:26] Get ready because I'm about to show the exact steps you need to attract a soul quenching partnership and feel amazing about yourself along the way. This is the Date Brazen podcast. So a couple of days ago, I posted a video on TikTok, and it is going viral. I did not expect it to go viral. I was like, Oh, this will just be like, you know, responding to a comment.
[00:01:50] The comment was, I get shy around anyone I find attractive and I look away in person. And this comment was echoed again [00:02:00] and again and again in the comment section. I would die from embarrassment if I went up to somebody in person. Or what about when I turn red like a 14 year old? Or I always freeze up around people I find attractive.
[00:02:11] There's this Consensus or the, or, or a large group of people in my community who are having trouble even imagining what would it be like to approach somebody in person and to say hello or to ask somebody out. And so I made this video about how to do this. And so this episode is an expansion of that, of that video.
[00:02:34] And I know that this episode, the advice inside is going to help you in the next 30 days. Approach somebody in person and either say hello or ask them out. So take out your notes app, start taking notes, get ready. You might want to listen to this episode again if you want to build that level of confidence.
[00:02:56] And the other piece that I'm so excited about is that if this [00:03:00] cop topic resonates with you of building the confidence to approach people in person to make dating apps optional, then you are going to want to get your butt to my free training on October 17th. It's literally called creating a confident and joyful as fuck dating life that makes the right relationship inevitable inside.
[00:03:20] I am going to teach you three things, how to create a fiercely confident as hell dating life without the overwhelm, anxiety, and burnout. You're going to learn how to be. Completely dating app optional, and you're going to learn how to find the juiciest dates in person. You're also going to learn my anxiety relieving dating framework that will make the right relationship inevitable.
[00:03:41] So how to date without the anxiety and overwhelm and burnout. It's what makes the right relationship inevitable because you will be consistently showing up for your desires and asking for what you want. and allowing it to come to you. That's what you're going to learn how to do inside of this free training.
[00:03:59] The other [00:04:00] piece of the training is that you are going to meet a new bestie in the chat. You're going to be amongst your people, other bad ass feminists who are high achieving, who are learning how to really step into their dating lives in a more powerful way, without the patriarchal bullshit, without the pressure, without the self.
[00:04:16] blame and all of the joy, all of the community, all of the belonging. So sign up for that free live training, October 17th. It's coming up very, very soon. It's at 6 p. m. Eastern. You can go to date brazen. com slash joy again. That's deep brazen. com slash joy to save your spot. There is also a link to reserve your spot in the description of this episode.
[00:04:41] So get your, get your butt in those seats. Okay. So here's the deal. If you sign up and register for this live free training on October 17th, you will be the first to be invited into the brazen breakthrough, my proven feminist as fuck 12 month program that will not only make the right [00:05:00] relationship inevitable, it will drench your dating life with support, with coaching, with belonging so that you can find the best relationship of your life with more speed and more ease.
[00:05:10] So if you sign up for this live training, If you get your butt saved a seat, you're going to get the first invite to the brazen breakthrough. And the exciting bonus part is that all of those who register for this free live training, if you decide to join us inside the brazen breakthrough within 48 hours of the live training, you will get access to my thank you more please workshop, which is an exclusive.
[00:05:38] intimate bonus training with me, where I will teach you how to use Thank You More Please to attract a juicy as hell date that will fall into your lap within 30 days of joining us inside of the Brazen Breakthrough. So sign up for the live training. You will be eligible for the bonus if you join us in the Brazen Breakthrough within 48 hours [00:06:00] of that live training.
[00:06:01] That's the live training. That's the next level shit in this episode. Let's outline. How to approach people in person, like if you do nothing else, I hope you come to the live training. I would love to coach your face off and support the hell out of you and help you change your own dating life for good inside of the brazen breakthrough.
[00:06:19] And let's focus on this one baby step forward. The problem. With people with the reality that you find yourself in that. Oh, I can't do it. I would be so embarrassed. I would turn so red is the underlying assumption that you are uniquely bad at this. The problem is that you are blaming yourself and saying, I am uniquely bad at this.
[00:06:41] I am uniquely bad at in person dating, or I am uniquely bad at dating, or I am uniquely embarrassed because fill in the blank. Maybe you are playing an assumption in your head to protect yourself from, from rejection that is like automatically assuming that somebody is going to reject you automatically assuming that you're going to get hurt in some way if [00:07:00] you do in person dating or if you do dating at all.
[00:07:03] And yes, dating requires a heavy amount of vulnerability, and that is scary as hell. And when you show up for yourself and your desires more consistently, it will mean rejection happens. So what are you going to do about it? If you want to move forward and you know that rejection is going to happen, what are you going to do about it?
[00:07:23] Well, number one, you need to give yourself permission to be in progress. Stop blaming yourself for being bad at in person dating. Or bad at dating in general. First of all, nobody's like really good at this stuff. It's vulnerable. It's awkward. It's nerve wracking. And what is so brilliant about my clients when they start to find more of what they want, when they start to attract the juiciest dates of their life, when they start to like enter the right relationship, they're doing so [00:08:00] messily.
[00:08:01] They're doing so messily. They're giving themselves permission to want what they want, and they are giving themselves permission to be in progress, and they are not allowing themselves to be slowed down by self blame. How do you get out of self blame? Self compassion! Oh my God, I love self compassion so much and it is the tool.
[00:08:21] I know that you may be watching and you are listening. I'm recording this. I'm now doing this thing where I'm recording myself, do the podcast episodes to put on Instagram and TikTok. Hello, if you see me there. Self compassion is not just going easy on yourself for the sake of going easy on yourself, that would be cool too.
[00:08:36] Self compassion, there was a study out of Stanford University a couple of years ago that showed that self compassion Reduces cortisol levels, so reduces stress and increases resilience. Two things that you definitely need for a dating life that leads to extraordinary love. Self compassion says, I'm here for you, is a really kind [00:09:00] voice.
[00:09:00] Self compassion also says, wow, I'm having a lot of thoughts. That are kind of kind of stinging. They kind of hurt. Ouch. I'm having the thought that I'm so bad at this. Who would want to be with me? Ouch. That hurts. That's a hard thought. It's not a fact. Self compassion also says I'm not alone. That's why I love group coaching and love doing these live trainings where there is a robust group of other single badass feminist humans who have each other's back.
[00:09:26] Because when you do this in belonging, you're That isolated, that isolation, that shame voice gets a little bit quieter, gets to be a little bit more comforted because you're really freaking not alone. Okay? So number one, to build the confidence to start in person dating is to give yourself permission to be in progress.
[00:09:47] Stop blaming yourself for where you've been or for how embarrassing this concept is to you because you're in progress. You're going to learn how to do this. Nobody's like really good at this [00:10:00] all the time. Nobody's really good at approaching people in person unless number two, you commit. To getting messy and practicing, you are not good at in person dating yet because you haven't practiced.
[00:10:14] You know what practice requires of us an immense amount of vulnerability and resiliency and Uh, uh, like self compassion. Hopefully that's what propels you forward in your practice. I, um, for an example of how fucking hard practice is, because I think a lot of people that I speak to, they're like, but I tried and it was so hard and it didn't end well.
[00:10:38] And I tried in person dating. It didn't end well. I approached somebody and they chuckled at me or it was so it was so, um, not what I had hoped. And it just took me back weeks and I was not wanting to take action for weeks because it was so hard. Yeah. Yeah. That's sometimes what happens when you practice both and the problem is that you're making [00:11:00] that one instance mean everything about you and what's possible and your abilities.
[00:11:08] Deep breath, self compassion. Of course, I'm struggling with this. Who would have taught me how to practice resiliently? I get to, I'm learning how to have my own back. Those are things you can repeat to yourself. An example of how practice is necessary. I was in French for years, years and years, eight years of French in school.
[00:11:28] And I decided to study abroad in Cameroon, which is a Francophone country in, uh, West Central Africa. And I was going to be speaking French and I thought, I've had eight years of French. I will show up and I'm going to know, I'm going to fall in and I'm going to like speak French. I'm going to be good at it only to show up in Cameron and realize that I was the worst French speaker in my class.
[00:11:53] I was the worst French speaker that my, it felt like the worst French speaker my host mother had ever hosted. Like I felt [00:12:00] so much shame that I was not better at French when I showed up. I had so much shame. I remember replaying the scenarios of how many like homework assignments I didn't take seriously, how much I was bullshitting myself through those tests.
[00:12:13] It was very difficult because everyone around me was speaking this language and I couldn't speak it. And then when I would speak it, it was so embarrassing because I would say the wrong thing. I remember thinking that the word, you know, I'm very excitable and very enthusiastic. And I thought that. The word excited in French was excité and I thought that not because I had any proof, but because I just was like, Oh, it sounds like it would be similar in French.
[00:12:42] Turns out excité in French was, uh, sexually turned on. Which makes sense now looking back, but I was, my ass was like up in class being like, Je suis très excité. Like, I am very excited, meaning I am very turned on in French, but didn't know it until my [00:13:00] host mother said, you know, you're saying that you're like turned on, right?
[00:13:05] And I was like, Oh my God, what just reason does he asked is the, is the way to say anyway, practicing was very deeply embarrassing for me. And it wasn't, I wasn't making progress in my practice until of French until. I allowed myself to be in progress until I stopped blaming myself for not being good at French yet and actually started allowing myself to be vulnerable, allowing myself to be bad at it.
[00:13:35] That's the other part of in person dating. It's like, you've got to allow yourself to be bad at it first to then start making progress. What if you had your own back no matter what? So the feeling of embarrassment didn't throw you off your game. It was just like a hard moment, you practiced self compassion through it, you were resilient enough to move on.
[00:13:57] You aren't good at in person dating yet because you haven't [00:14:00] practiced. Everybody is awkward. Everybody is weird. Just show up. Just show up and start. Allow yourself to be read. Allow yourself to look, you know, feel embarrassed like a 14 year old version of yourself. Because at the end of the day, you get to have your own back.
[00:14:16] Doing this with, uh, approaching somebody in person with a friend also helps. So you have somebody like actually reminding you of these things. Maybe even send this episode to your friend who you want to be your co conspirator so that they can know how to support you best in the moment that you're practicing in person dating.
[00:14:31] Practicing in person dating looks like approaching somebody cute at a bar or a restaurant and saying, Hey, how's it going? You're really cute wanted to say hi or you could say hey I love that watch or I like give a genuine compliment and be like, how's your day going or you could even say like hey I know this it like this is really intense, but I just wanted to come over here You look like you're having such a good time.
[00:14:53] What's bringing you joy? Today, like use a qualifying disqualifying question. Those are ways to practice [00:15:00] in person dating. Other ways to practice in person dating are to make eye contact with somebody that you're walking past that is kind of cute and like smiling. I have clients who practice this so much that they get to the point where they can like wink at somebody and feel super proud of themselves and it keeps their in person dating life moving forward.
[00:15:19] It keeps dates coming to them. When they show up for their desires in this way, the third and final step of building the confidence enough to do in person dating to approach people in person is to celebrate yourself to celebrate every single time that you attempt. To do in person dating. Self celebration is a freaking strategy.
[00:15:44] Self celebration is not, um, I was going to say self indulgence, but if you listen to this podcast, you know I love self indulgence too. Self celebration is not haughty. It's not like braggadocious. It's like, it's literally a strategy to keep your human body [00:16:00] doing something. That is uncomfortable. So, for example, when you set the, um, when you set the goal of, like, I will celebrate every win.
[00:16:10] No win is too small. I will celebrate even when I'm embarrassed because that means I'm trying and that celebration planet. What will it look like? It will look like me texting my best friend and saying, like, Oh my God, I just did this. I just made eye contact with a cute person. I want to celebrate it. Or it could look like treating yourself to something, or it could look like a literally just doing like a shimmy shake or a little dance celebrate everyone.
[00:16:36] No one is too small. Self celebration is an in person dating strategy. This dating lesson of like how to do in person dating is not to encourage you to micromanage your dating life. It's not to say that somebody else is not going to show up and co create the right relationship with you. It's saying you first have to show up and co create to then expect [00:17:00] somebody to be drawn into your universe.
[00:17:03] Right. So like showing up for yourself and your desires in your dating life means doing so outside of your home means doing so outside of your room. And if that again, if that thought scares you going back to the beginning, then number one, give yourself permission to be in progress, practice self compassion, stop blaming yourself for where you're at.
[00:17:24] Number two, commit to getting messy and practicing. What if you just took one action step? You get better at in person dating when you practice. The, the end story to my Cameroon journey is that I got really freaking good at French. I was damn near fluent by the end of this semester. And that's due to my incredible teachers and my host families who were so patient with me and who really guided me through.
[00:17:47] And it was due to me allowing myself to be vulnerable enough to try. And number three, get. celebratory of yourself. This work will lead to you [00:18:00] having an in person dating life by the end of 30 days of trying. Like if you try for 30 days, these three steps, you will have an in person dating life. You will be better at in person dating.
[00:18:11] You will have committed to your desires in a new way, and it will lead to you co creating some awesome shit in person in your dating life. The bonus of this is that it also will impact how you do dating online, because the more robust your in person dating life, the less likely you are to settle online because of the fear that nobody else is out there for you, because of the fear of like, oh, this dating app is the answer because I'm not good at in person dating.
[00:18:37] No, take the power away from a dating app. Start practicing in person dating more. This is exactly what we're going to dive into into my, in my free training on October 17th, creating a confident and joyful as fuck dating life that makes the right relationship inevitable, where I'm going to show you exactly how to find love in person confidently.
[00:18:58] I met the love of my life without a [00:19:00] nap. I met him with a dating strategy that I now teach inside of the brazen breakthrough called joy building and, and I'm want to teach you the secret sauce to, to having this brilliant in person dating life that leads to extraordinary love on your terms without the burnout, without the anxiety.
[00:19:17] So come to this live free training. I am so excited to see you there. And again, we are opening the doors to the brazen breakthrough on the live training. And if you decide to join us inside of the brazen breakthrough while you're on the live training, or even if you're watching the replay, you will get access to my thank you more please workshop only for people who are registered for the webinar for the live training and only for people who join the brazen breakthrough within 48 hours of that live training.
[00:19:48] So you got to come or you got to watch the replay. And if you join us before 48 hours, then you will get access to the thank you more please workshop. Which will be another tool that [00:20:00] my promise in that workshop is that you will attract a juicy as fuck date within 30 days of that workshop. I'm going to teach you exactly how to use thank you more please to attract an incredible date to allow an incredible date to land in your lap within 30 days.
[00:20:13] Go to datebrazen. com slash joy to sign up for the live training to be there live and I will talk to you very soon. Bye.