172. How to thrive during the holidays as a single badass
This week, Lily addresses questions she's gathered from her TikTok community, centered around navigating the holidays while single. She delves into the complexities of solo celebrations, sharing her hottest takes, fiercest encouragement, and spiciest support.
Whether you're wondering how to handle prying relatives, seeking advice on thriving as a solo adventurer during the holidays, or craving solidarity, Lily's got you covered. Tune in for a dose of wisdom, a dash of humor, and a sprinkle of festive cheer as Lily guides you on thriving this holiday season as a single badass.
Links:
Register HERE for the upcoming live training- Dec 7th, "How to thrive during the holidays as a single badass"
Download the Free "Guide to Essence-Based Preferences" HERE.
Show transcript:
[00:00:00] Hello, gorgeous friend. Welcome to another episode of the Date Brazen podcast. I'm so glad that you're here today. We are diving into all of the hottest questions that I'm receiving as we gear up for December. This episode is dropping in the final week of November, 2023. And I know That with December comes a lot of different holidays, a lot of different potential family interactions, friend interactions, potentially like engagements of your friends, and maybe some comparison coming in.
[00:00:36] So I wanted to, I gathered a lot of questions on TikTok on the subject of. being single during the holidays. And so I'm going to run through as many as I can in this episode, giving you my hottest takes, my fiercest encouragement and my spiciest support so that you know how to thrive during this holiday [00:01:00] season.
[00:01:00] And speaking of thriving during the holiday season, this episode is brought to you by two presents that I have for you. Number one present is a free live training. called How to Thrive as a Single Badass During the Holidays. It is coming up on December 7th, 2023 at 6 p. m. Eastern. That's Thursday, December 7th.
[00:01:23] And in this training, I am going to coach your face off. I'm going to help you release the dating pressure in comparison so you can feel amazing about yourself throughout this season. I'm going to teach you how to respond to any nosy relatives or friends or coworkers asking about you or your dating life.
[00:01:42] And I'm going to help you build hope and a plan of action that will make your most joyful, confident dating life inevitable and make the juiciest dates of your life inevitable in 2024. So that's present number one. You can register in the description of this [00:02:00] episode. You can also go to datebrazen. com to RSVP.
[00:02:04] And if you show up live, you're going to get coached. I, you're going to build support and community in that chat. It's going to be. A rip roar in good time. Okay. How to thrive as a single badass during the holidays, December 7th at 2023. The second present that I wanted to give you, uh, because I'm so excited that you are in this community and this year has been so incredible is, you know, how I've been talking about essence based preferences.
[00:02:32] This is one of my key lessons inside of my program, The Brazen Breakthrough. Essence based preferences are basically like. The glue of your dating strategy that when you use it, it's subtle proofs your dating life. It helps you bless and release the wrong people with more ease, faster than you would have before.
[00:02:50] It helps you attract the right people for you and know in your body, whether or not someone is right or wrong for you based on these essence based preferences, they're basically magic. I talk all about them [00:03:00] in episode 135 and based on the response to that episode, I've been getting a lot of questions like.
[00:03:06] Oh my God, I need a workbook. I want a workbook. I want to do this work, but it's so much like, how do I keep it all straight? Okay. I've created a workbook for you. This is no longer just for members of the Brazen Breakthrough. It is so good that I wanted to create a workbook for you. So. You can download the Create Your Essence Based Preferences Workbook that is 14 pages.
[00:03:29] It is complete. It is fillable. It is gorgeous and so supportive. And when you download this free guide, you are going to know exactly how to create your essence based preferences step by step. I give you instructions. I give you episodes of the podcast to listen to if you get stuck. I give you so much encouragement and support and literally step by step.
[00:03:51] guide you through creating your own essence based preferences. So you can also go to the description of this episode to download that free guide. You'll, uh, share [00:04:00] your email address, we'll send it right to you. And then you'll be on my email list for all of my feminist dating hot takes and the most encouragement you've ever had for your dating life and for creating the love life that you desire.
[00:04:13] So. Head to get that present in the link in the description of this episode or in the show notes at datebrazen. com. So with that, let's get into this episode.
[00:04:31] Hey, I'm Lily Womble. Former top matchmaker and founder of Date Brazen. After setting up hundreds, I realized that with coaching, women could match themselves better than anyone else ever could. With my unconventional feminist approach, I've helped women around the world build courageous and self trust filled love lives and now, I'm here to support you.
[00:04:49] Get ready, cause I'm about to show you the exact steps you need to attract a soul quenching partnership. And feel amazing about yourself along the way. This is the date brazen podcast. Okay. [00:05:00] Today we're getting into how to prepare for the holiday season for December as a single badass. I'm going to run through your questions.
[00:05:08] As I mentioned up top, I asked my tick tock community. If you're not already following me at date brazen, um, come, it's a party. It's so fun. So, uh, I wanted to share some of the top questions and my hottest takes. in response so that you can use this episode as really a, a warm fire to warm yourself when things feel a little chilly outside.
[00:05:35] Okay. I want this to be a place where you can come and get encouragement, get support that you need, especially because being a single person during the holiday season can be so tough. It can be more triggering. It can be more activating. It can be more lonely. Like all of these things can be at play. So I want you to have a space where you can get support.
[00:05:55] So number one question. This is one that I get all the time. Not so much a [00:06:00] question, but a struggle. My singleness feels even more overwhelming and lonely than it does at other times of the year. And to that, I would say, woof, you are not alone. This is so hard. Comparison is probably rare in its head. It is colder outside, and so people just aren't meeting up, uh, like, as often, because especially if you live in a cold climate, like, people are staying in their houses, and if they're partnered, they're staying in their houses with their partner.
[00:06:28] The whole cuffing season narrative is alive and well, and potentially creating even more pressure. And then... You know, there's like the holiday movies and the holiday celebrations that you create and, and engage in that a lot of them have to do with family or like revolving around family. A lot of the holiday movies are about like falling in love.
[00:06:49] In fact, I dare you to give me a holiday movie that is not about falling in love and then watching those things while you want to celebrate and you want to engage in this, this [00:07:00] special time for so many, it can be activating. So what do you do? What if your singleness feels even more overwhelming and lonely than it does in other times of the year?
[00:07:11] My call to action for you, if this is how you feel, is that this is the moment to engage even More self compassion. If you listen to this podcast, you will know that I can't shut up about self compassion. I, it is the force that has changed my life for the better, more so than any other work I've done over the past five years.
[00:07:35] It is. Creating a softer place for you to land in your body because what's happening if you're feeling even more lonely and overwhelmed by being single at this time of the year is that your brain, your high achieving, amazing, gorgeous brain is probably fighting those things, right? Saying like, don't feel that way.
[00:07:56] We're, we're, we're okay. We're good. Single. It's okay. And you are a good single. Your single life [00:08:00] is beautiful. You're amazing. Your life is full. You have created incredible things. You are not less than because you're not partnered. That is true. Both. And when you feel the feelings of loneliness, maybe that feeling is being, you know, sort of sparked by the thought.
[00:08:18] Um, I want a partner and it's not here yet. Or maybe your brain is going to like worst case scenario land. Maybe it's not possible for me. Another, you know, holiday season single, I said that I wouldn't be single last year and here I am. I'm not in control of this. Or um, it's not possible because it would have happened already.
[00:08:38] And then again, your high achieving brain sort of fights back. This like. Overachieving, like, no, don't believe that. I call it the seesaw brain. And you're going back and forth on the seesaw brain, which only exacerbates the feelings of overwhelm and exhaustion. So self compassion comes in with a warm blanket, and it is not just [00:09:00] going easy on yourself, quote unquote.
[00:09:01] It's not just going easy on yourself. It is a scientifically proven method. Decrease stress because what's happening when you're fighting your own brain saying, don't be so lonely, don't feel so lonely, snap out of it. Is that stress is building, right? You're fighting your brain. Stress is building. Self compassion is scientifically proven by a study out of Stanford to reduce stress levels, reduce cortisol, and to increase resiliency.
[00:09:28] Resiliency is an amazing thing. It is the, how quickly can you care for yourself? Not quickly. How wholly can you care for yourself and practice self compassion so much so that you feel ready to take on. What you want the next day. So it's very similar. I talk about this pretty often on the podcast, but I think it bears repeating because this image is really powerful for me as well is when you were a kid and you were playing on the [00:10:00] playground and you fell and scraped your knee or, uh, another classmate, um, rejected you.
[00:10:08] Right? And it felt shitty. It hurt so badly and you start to cry. There are two different scenarios. Scenario one, an adult comes over to you and it's like, get up, get up. It's fine. It's not, what happened? Uh, that's not what you think it is. No, it's fine. It's fine. That's life. Get on, get over it, get over it.
[00:10:24] Go play, go play. And I don't know about you, but when I was that child on that playground, I was like, Not today, I, I didn't have words to describe it, but if I did have those words, it would, they would sound like, I feel like rejected by you. My feelings don't feel honored by you. Like this feels like you're calling me stupid for having this reaction, right?
[00:10:48] Well meaning adult. If I had the words, I would say your reaction makes me. Think that you think I'm stupid for having this reaction and it doesn't feel good to feel that judgment. That's what's [00:11:00] happening when you try to say, hurry up. Just it's okay. Don't don't feel this way. No, get over it. It's not that bad.
[00:11:05] It's not that bad. The judgment of your feelings is happening. These are feelings not facts. They're just feelings. Everybody at the holidays has feelings. You're not alone. Being single during the holidays when you want a relationship, but it's not here yet can be hard. Both and, those feelings don't mean everything about you.
[00:11:23] They just mean that you're human. There are a lot of people who want something that's not here yet. That space does not make you any less than someone who is coupled. It's like, this is the human experience to hopefully acknowledge your feelings. Look at them with a loving witness energy, not judge them, and hold yourself in compassion as you move through them.
[00:11:50] They're bodily functions like poop. You gotta, like, you're, you're, let's just go there with this metaphor. And again, I've said this on the podcast, but it bears repeating. [00:12:00] You're ingesting these inputs, right? Holiday, the holiday with Charlie, uh, Charlie Cerrone, no, wrong. Cameron Diaz, excuse me. I'm so sorry.
[00:12:08] What a mistake. Cameron Diaz, Jude Law. Uh, Jack Black, Kate Winslet. Okay, you're watching The Holiday. You love that movie. And then suddenly you're like, but I don't have a date on New Year's. And you're at the end of the movie and it's like, shit, I'm comparing myself to Jude Law and Cameron Diaz now. Right?
[00:12:25] And then that's an input. You're taken in that input. It is a, uh, you're having thoughts about it. Emotional interpretations of the world around you, of the movie, The Holiday. Your body. It's having a feeling about it. The feeling is the bodily function. Like when your body is processing food to give you nutrients and then poop, the feelings are giving you information, right?
[00:12:46] The nutrients of those feelings are like information, information. Like how can this feeling tell me or show me what I need right now? How can this feel, like what information is this moment giving me to make me aware of what I [00:13:00] need and how I can better care for myself. Great nutrients, soak it up, learn what you can.
[00:13:04] The feeling part that you get to process and digest and like get out of your system is like feeling it fully. So you're like, God, this sucks. I'm willing to feel anything to be with you. There's nothing that you could say, do or feel that would make me want to stop being your friend. Those are two thoughts from um, Coach Simone Soule, who I really admire.
[00:13:22] That, that's the energy of the second scenario adult. The second scenario adult, when you scrape your, uh, knee on the playground and you're hurting or when a friend rejects you on the playground, you're hurting, the, the adult comes up, gets on their knee next to you. What's wrong? You tell them. They say, Oh, I'm so sorry.
[00:13:41] Is there anything else? You share more. You're like, Oh my God, they care. They say, can I give you a hug? You say, yes, they hug you. You feel in that hug that that hug would go on for as long as you need it to. And ultimately, when you have an adult that is giving you that loving witness energy and holding space for you with an [00:14:00] undefined amount of time on the line, then inevitably what would happen for me as a kid, when I was given that energy is I would have, I would hear a kid playing and I would like, look up and be like, I want to go play and be like, are you sure I'm here for you?
[00:14:13] You'd be like, no, I think I'm okay. They'd be like, okay, well, I'm here if you want to talk. And then inevitably you'd move on and play and like, get on with your life. That is the, that is the magic of feeling your feelings. Asking yourself high quality questions like what is this moment here to show me?
[00:14:29] What does care look like for me? What, what do I need? What assurance, what validation do I need to give myself right now? Then process the feeling. I'm willing to feel anything to be with you. I'm going to be with you as long as you need me to be. Self compassion says you're not alone. Self compassion says of course you're struggling with this.
[00:14:45] You want something. It's not here yet. This is really normal and human. You're not wrong for having these feelings. You're human for having thoughts. These are thoughts, not facts. Feelings, not facts. Then. That's self compassion. Then like processing it, pooping it [00:15:00] out, getting like free of it. But these are bodily functions.
[00:15:05] Like it happens. You're going to feel overwhelmed and lonely this holiday season sometimes. And you have a choice of how you respond to those feelings with compassion, giving yourself the energy that you hope your future self would give you or, and, or if that doesn't resonate for you. giving yourself the energy that you would want from a future partner.
[00:15:26] So that's my answer to that question. Um, Another person said just appreciate in the comments of the like original video. I know I went, I went off on that answer. It's so important. It's self compassion, self compassion, self compassion, life changing force. Um, Amanda said just appreciative that you're aware and supportive.
[00:15:45] Yes, I think that too many like single folks, it is hard out there to be single. Dating is hard, um, facing judgment from people, like people in the world thinking that romantic relationship is the gold standard of human [00:16:00] existence. They're wrong. They're not right. It's just they made choices probably to be in a relationship and they want you to mirror their choices to maybe validate their choices in life.
[00:16:09] Anyway, I digress. So, of course, like being aware and bringing in community to this conversation is really important. That's why I love the community that we've built inside the Brazen Breakthrough. That's why I love the community that we have on TikTok and Instagram. It's, it's, it's, um, it's a rejuvenating force belonging.
[00:16:29] Okay. Um, uh, Any advice on not getting triggered by all the couple y Insta TikTok posts and festive activities for couples? What a good question. My answer is you will be activated. Like there's no avoiding. all of the stimuli, right? Like you're a human in the world. It's not about like avoiding getting triggered, which I hear as sort of a perfectionistic fantasy of like, how do I not get triggered?
[00:16:58] Cause being triggered is [00:17:00] uncomfortable. I think the answer is sort of counterintuitive. It's like, how can I Acknowledge when I'm feeling uncomfortable and have my own back through it instead of like we were just talking about, you know, you're, you get triggered by a stimuli, cute couply thing or a couple getting engaged and then you feel jealous or you feel anger and then you might judge yourself for feeling jealousy or anger.
[00:17:26] You might judge yourself. That's my friend. I shouldn't feel that way. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. You are a human who gets to have feelings. Feelings aren't facts. Feelings are emotional experiences. Feelings are vibrations. Feelings are bodily functions in your body. So feel that shit. Say out loud, there's nothing that you could say, do, or feel that would make me want to stop being your friend.
[00:17:48] Put your hand on your belly or on your heart, take three deep breaths and say, this really sucks. I'm here for you. I swear if you practice just that, when you feel activated, like [00:18:00] notice when you're activated and then do that practice, you will be able to more swiftly move through those. Moments of activation, you, your body will get the message that you're creating this soft place for yourself to land and be cared for.
[00:18:15] And then inevitably you'll get to move through those feelings, have your own back so that you can be happy for your friend or so that you can do something that brings you joy that isn't centered around something coupley. That's my answer is like, don't expect yourself to not be human. Instead, prepare for you to be activated at times and have a plan.
[00:18:36] To care for yourself. Use this episode as a guide. Yeah, I, another question very similar. I embrace being single, but a cute couple activities, hugs and kisses, makes me overwhelmed and sad about the lack of physical intimacy in my life. That sucks. Look, like, it's hard to feel that. Experience of lack of physical intimacy.
[00:18:56] I remember, I mean, I remember [00:19:00] living in San Francisco. It's my first like adult city, first adult job. I didn't have any friendships in the city. I just moved out there for a job from, um, Alabama where I'm from. And I remember like I was single and, um, I was on the bus like a month into living. In San Francisco, and I had to sit close to the person next to me because there weren't many there was no seats.
[00:19:26] It was just like packed. And I remember touching this person's leg, like just my leg touching their leg by sitting next to them and wanting to cry. Examining like, Whoa, I don't want to cry right now. And I realized that that was the most physical touch I'd received in a month. And I know that so many single folks struggled with this during quarantine.
[00:19:49] I know that so many single folks struggled with this, have struggled with this period. And, and I just say that bus example to say like, Whoa, that [00:20:00] experience of longing is so real. And. Sometimes, like, there's only so much that I, as a coach or a fellow human can say, I just want to say that sucks. And... I wonder how you could offer that compassion to yourself, maybe even saying like, this sucks, this is hard, I'm here for you, would soften the edges of that experience and allow you to like, unlock some kindness towards yourself, and then just me saying like, God, that sucks.
[00:20:36] And maybe that's okay. This is a human experience. Like life is 50, 50, 50, great 50 hard. This is a 50 percent hard shit. So thank you for sharing. And I think that potentially what also could help is talking about it with your closest, most trusted loved ones. bringing belonging to this [00:21:00] experience that you might otherwise feel isolated within.
[00:21:03] Shame, if there is shame involved, I, I, I'm not hearing that there is, I'm not assuming that there is, but if, if shame ever is a part of the equation of like, maybe it's my fault that I don't have physical, whatever it is, shame breeds in silence. And so the more belonging you can bring to these conversations and to this experience of being human, the more.
[00:21:27] You will dissolve that feeling, process that feeling and the more you can move on to like caring for yourself and then getting into resilient action taking after. Um, okay. This can be applied to any time, but how early is too early to start dating again? Recently was broken up with but have felt unloved for a while.
[00:21:48] That sucks. And. I want you, if this is you, to really, really double down on self [00:22:00] compassion. I swear it's going to help, especially if you're feeling unloved by others. Really offering yourself like that, this is hard. I'm here for you instead of like fighting it or instead of like trying to push it away or instead of trying to muscle your way into a dating life to, to fix quote unquote fix the unloved, the feeling of feeling unloved, you get to process that feeling, give yourself the care and support you desire from a future partner, get really grounded in your body and date from that place.
[00:22:31] Um, I'm also not saying that you have to be perfectly grounded to date. You can date anytime you damn want. You can date right now. I think that the process that I'm talking about of self compassion will help you cultivate a deeper sense of self trust in your body so that you can better know when it is your right timing to start dating again.
[00:22:53] Cause I don't know the answer. Like, you know, your best answers. Newly [00:23:00] 64, I'm not sure it's. Likely I'll find love again. I'm good on my own, but sad I might may not have romance again. Yeah, that's that's a hard thought And it is just that, a thought people find people, people find love, people find partnerships every single day.
[00:23:20] Your age is not a disqualifier. Your age is simply information. It's not like, you know, like people, I think that it's about practicing, practicing self compassion theme of this episode, and then practicing a baby step thought, like. What if, because practicing self compassion in this case could look, sound like, of course I'm struggling with this idea of finding love again.
[00:23:46] I have had years of disappointment. That's really hard. I'm here for you. You're not alone. This is normal to feel this way. And it's really hard. Like offering yourself that level of like kindness will help you decrease [00:24:00] stress and increase resiliency so that your brain can then more effectively Do a reframe because people are trying to skip the self compassion part and just jump to the reframe part.
[00:24:09] But your brain is like, Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm not ready for that. I can't. That doesn't, that's not true. So do self compassion. Then you can go into what else might be true. It might be possible. That I don't know everything. It might be possible that what I want exists. It might be possible that I haven't met everyone.
[00:24:29] Like find a baby step next thought that feels useful and true right now and then practice it out loud and often and notice when your brain goes to it's over, it's done and just gently reframe, Hey, I'm here for you. That's a hard thought. I get to choose again. I choose. It's, I'm, it might not be impossible that fill in the blank.
[00:24:51] Okay. How, last question, how does singles go into the new year with hope of finding a partner, especially if there's a history of [00:25:00] struggling not to find dates? This question will be answered in full inside of my free live training on December 7th called how to thrive as a single badass. In this holiday, let me repeat that how to thrive as a single badass during the holidays This question of how to build hope is is a really good one And I want to support you with my best strategies so that you can go into the new year Knowing exactly what you want and knowing how to find it Ultimately hope is a feeling hopelessness is a feeling and feelings aren't facts both and when you learn how to Practice self compassion towards when you feel hopeless and cultivate the experience of hope with evidence in the world, you know, helps your brain get on board with believing that what you want exists when you cultivate that hope.
[00:25:59] And when you're in the [00:26:00] practice of cultivating that hope, and I say practice because practice involves like activation, like getting into it, like. Like taking messy, courageous action. When you are in the practice of cultivating that hope, you are more in the way of aligned opportunity, which means that you're taking messy, massive, courageous action, which means you are probably potentially meeting new people.
[00:26:21] You're putting yourself out there. Then you are much more likely to find the right person. I like to say that. Getting in the way of mess, getting in the way of aligned opportunity means that the right relationship is inevitable. Creating a dating life that is both joyful and confident as hell makes the right relationship inevitable as the bonus results.
[00:26:40] The guaranteed results of creating a dating life that is joyful and confident is that you will be in your agency. You will have more joy and ease in the process of dating, which then again. It makes the right shit inevitable. So come to my live training. Get your seat saved. It is in the link to join us [00:27:00] is in the description of this episode.
[00:27:01] You can also go to datebrazen. com to save your spot right now. It's going to be live. Everybody who joins us will get the recording and I'm going to help you build hope for the new year for your dating life and not only build hope but build an action plan to support building more hope. Um, and getting in the way of more aligned opportunity.
[00:27:20] So I'm so grateful that you're here. I'm really grateful for this year. Um, if you're at the end of this episode, you are like the best. And I love hanging out with you. If you listen to any amount of this episode, I love hanging out with you. I'm so glad you're here. There are so many exciting things.
[00:27:39] happening in 2024 for me and date brazen that I cannot wait to share more about with you soon. And, uh, you being a part of this community means so much. I don't take it for granted. So thank you. Thank you. Um, if you're new here, welcome. If you've been here for three years, so glad you're here. And, uh, [00:28:00] I cannot wait to talk to you next week and see you live on December 7th.
[00:28:04] Bye.